My boyfriend carry other woman's panties, am I overreacting?
March 3, 2013 1:52 PM Subscribe
On 3 different occasions, during a year and a half, I found in my boyfriend's stuff other women's panties. I was so in shock. I is like surreal to me. I am wondering if this is a sufficient reason to leave someone?
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we've been living together for 6 years. We're in our early 30s. We have no child, no mortgage, only an apartment.
At the beginning of 2011, I saw a pair of panties (100% not mine) in my boyfriend's closet. I did not snoop, it was in the middle of the place. I asked, he said that it was old. I said ok...
Somewhere in fall 2011, I was speaking with my boyfriend in our apartment. He had his laptop bag with the front pocket open when I noticed that a pair of panties was hanging from the pocket. The panties were 100% not mine and not his size so he's not a cross-dresser. Just regular panties, not fancy, used, not new. I asked what it was, he said he found them in the backyard (we like in a multiple-apartment building) and he said I thought they were yours. So I asked if so, why didn't you give them to me? He said I was about to, I put them in my bag.
He looked nervous, had big eyes, not clinging his eyes anymore during the conversation. I said ok and I left the room. I was sure he would get rid of the panties as soon as he could since I confirmed to him they were not mine.
In December 2012, I decided to wash the sheets and blankets while he was at work. When I took the sheets to put them in the washing machine, I didn’t notice anything. When I was unloading the washing machine, I was in shock; the same panties were in our washing machine, more than 1 year after. They sure were in the pillowcase since I didn’t see them when loading the washing machine.
When he came back from work, I told him while showing the panties “ I told you those are not mine, why are those panties in our washing machine”? He said that the weekend before, he did clean his laptop bag, found the panties and decided to put them in his pillowcase since he was at his family cottage with his dad. He brought his pillow there. I said why didn’t you put them in garbage and how come you kept them for over a year? He said he has never cleaned his bag since and that he didn’t want to put the panties in the garbage so that his dad would find them. By the way, in his pillowcase, there were those panties + 2 that were mine. Also, he uses his laptop bag almost everyday. I said ok and tried to forget this again.
Really, I try to believe him but my gut feeling tells me something is wrong there. No sorry, my gut feeling is screaming to me to leave.
By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. He goes out with friends on Thursday nights and doesn't want me to go with him. I don't have access to his computer, cell phone, etc.
Since December, I can't help but think about this. Would you leave your boyfriend “just” for a pair of panties? I am about to leave him, just wondering if I am overreacting, if the panties is a reasonable cause? What do you think? The worst thing is that I did not snoop to find them.
I have to figure it out soon because we have to renew (or not) the lease before the end of the month. Time is running.
By the way, I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we've been living together for 6 years. We're in our early 30s. We have no child, no mortgage, only an apartment.
At the beginning of 2011, I saw a pair of panties (100% not mine) in my boyfriend's closet. I did not snoop, it was in the middle of the place. I asked, he said that it was old. I said ok...
Somewhere in fall 2011, I was speaking with my boyfriend in our apartment. He had his laptop bag with the front pocket open when I noticed that a pair of panties was hanging from the pocket. The panties were 100% not mine and not his size so he's not a cross-dresser. Just regular panties, not fancy, used, not new. I asked what it was, he said he found them in the backyard (we like in a multiple-apartment building) and he said I thought they were yours. So I asked if so, why didn't you give them to me? He said I was about to, I put them in my bag.
He looked nervous, had big eyes, not clinging his eyes anymore during the conversation. I said ok and I left the room. I was sure he would get rid of the panties as soon as he could since I confirmed to him they were not mine.
In December 2012, I decided to wash the sheets and blankets while he was at work. When I took the sheets to put them in the washing machine, I didn’t notice anything. When I was unloading the washing machine, I was in shock; the same panties were in our washing machine, more than 1 year after. They sure were in the pillowcase since I didn’t see them when loading the washing machine.
When he came back from work, I told him while showing the panties “ I told you those are not mine, why are those panties in our washing machine”? He said that the weekend before, he did clean his laptop bag, found the panties and decided to put them in his pillowcase since he was at his family cottage with his dad. He brought his pillow there. I said why didn’t you put them in garbage and how come you kept them for over a year? He said he has never cleaned his bag since and that he didn’t want to put the panties in the garbage so that his dad would find them. By the way, in his pillowcase, there were those panties + 2 that were mine. Also, he uses his laptop bag almost everyday. I said ok and tried to forget this again.
Really, I try to believe him but my gut feeling tells me something is wrong there. No sorry, my gut feeling is screaming to me to leave.
By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. He goes out with friends on Thursday nights and doesn't want me to go with him. I don't have access to his computer, cell phone, etc.
Since December, I can't help but think about this. Would you leave your boyfriend “just” for a pair of panties? I am about to leave him, just wondering if I am overreacting, if the panties is a reasonable cause? What do you think? The worst thing is that I did not snoop to find them.
I have to figure it out soon because we have to renew (or not) the lease before the end of the month. Time is running.
By the way, I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.
By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. He goes out with friends on Thursday nights and doesn't want me to go with him.
Really, I don't think the panties are the issue. You're not happy. You want to leave. You don't need our blessing or our votes, but you deserve to be happy.
posted by jetlagaddict at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Really, I don't think the panties are the issue. You're not happy. You want to leave. You don't need our blessing or our votes, but you deserve to be happy.
posted by jetlagaddict at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This is the third time I've posted this on here, but it seems apt here:
The thing I wish I knew earlier in my dating life is that you don't have to have an excuse to break up. You really don't. There doesn't need to be a reason, the person doesn't have to be a bad person or doing anything particularly awful to you. "I don't want to date this person anymore" is all the justification you need, both internally and externally. You don't love him. You don't want to be with him. Let yourself act on that without having to come up with the whys. Just end it.
posted by brainmouse at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [101 favorites]
The thing I wish I knew earlier in my dating life is that you don't have to have an excuse to break up. You really don't. There doesn't need to be a reason, the person doesn't have to be a bad person or doing anything particularly awful to you. "I don't want to date this person anymore" is all the justification you need, both internally and externally. You don't love him. You don't want to be with him. Let yourself act on that without having to come up with the whys. Just end it.
posted by brainmouse at 1:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [101 favorites]
By the way, we’re not that happy together either.... By the way, I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.
These are the most important parts of this story. Sounds like you already knew what you wanted before this happened, but didn't feel like you were "allowed" to leave. You seem hopeful that this is finally something that can justify you leaving. You don't need permission or justification to leave if you're unhappy, but by the power vested in me by the Internet, I hereby grant you the power to leave this relationship. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy.
posted by the jam at 2:00 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
These are the most important parts of this story. Sounds like you already knew what you wanted before this happened, but didn't feel like you were "allowed" to leave. You seem hopeful that this is finally something that can justify you leaving. You don't need permission or justification to leave if you're unhappy, but by the power vested in me by the Internet, I hereby grant you the power to leave this relationship. You deserve a relationship that makes you happy.
posted by the jam at 2:00 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
I wonder if your husband has a fetish for panties and doesn't feel comfortable telling you. He's obviously hiding panties in his pillow case (some of these are yours). It's possible that he's seeing someone else and collecting her panties but it's also possible that he's taking panties from the laundry mat or off of clotheslines.
He's lying to you. I don't buy either of his stories. If it were me, I'd be fine with my husband having a fetish for panties but I wouldn't be fine with him lying about it or with him cheating (if we were monogamous by agreement).
posted by dchrssyr at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2013 [18 favorites]
He's lying to you. I don't buy either of his stories. If it were me, I'd be fine with my husband having a fetish for panties but I wouldn't be fine with him lying about it or with him cheating (if we were monogamous by agreement).
posted by dchrssyr at 2:02 PM on March 3, 2013 [18 favorites]
So he probably masturbates with the underpants (both the ones that are yours and the ones that are not yours, which he probably either bought or maybe found in the laundry) and is embarrassed to admit it. That alone wouldn't be a huge deal for me. But it sounds like you're not happy with him anyway, so.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:03 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:03 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Dude, I'd leave him without the panties issue. You're not happy anyway. That's enough of a reason. The only reasonable cause you need is your unhappiness.
That being said, I'm pretty sure he didn't find these panties in the yard. Nothing about his story adds up. You don't find your girlfriend's undies in the yard and hoard them in your laptop bag. And nor, generally, do you keep some random panties in your pillowcase. Either he's a panty fetishist and lying to you about that, or he's slept with someone else and lied about that (and is now keeping that woman's undies in your bed). Either way, at best he's lying to you about something.
You have this stranger's permission to break up.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:05 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
That being said, I'm pretty sure he didn't find these panties in the yard. Nothing about his story adds up. You don't find your girlfriend's undies in the yard and hoard them in your laptop bag. And nor, generally, do you keep some random panties in your pillowcase. Either he's a panty fetishist and lying to you about that, or he's slept with someone else and lied about that (and is now keeping that woman's undies in your bed). Either way, at best he's lying to you about something.
You have this stranger's permission to break up.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:05 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
I agree with the others to a point. You don't need a reason, other than being unhappy, to break up with someone. But seriously? Panties that can't be explained by cross-dressing? In his laptop bag? He found them in the back yard and thought they belonged to you? He's either cheating or is hiding a panty fetish.
posted by shrabster at 2:05 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by shrabster at 2:05 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
You need to leave. Yes, he will cry. He will be sad. You will also be sad, at least temporarily. Ending something that has lasted 7 years is bound to make those involved sad. But that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.
Ending the relationship will be best for both of you.
posted by dry white toast at 2:07 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ending the relationship will be best for both of you.
posted by dry white toast at 2:07 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
At a minimum, you deserve a better set of lies than the ones he's told. Is this really the best he can come up with?
posted by Houstonian at 2:08 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by Houstonian at 2:08 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
The panties are irrelevant. You're not happy anyway. Please, please, find a way to be happy, either on your own or with someone who is honest, wonderful and makes you happy.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:12 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:12 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Read first four sentences (above fold) and my answer is YES. Going back to read rest, I'm positive that my answer will not change.
posted by bquarters at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013
posted by bquarters at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013
Get out. You can do it cleanly and with few entanglements and start looking for someone with whom you're happy and who's happy being with you. But this is over.
Best of luck.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013
Best of luck.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013
Uh, guess I'm a prude but I would TOTALLY leave someone if they were carrying around another woman's underpants.
posted by joan_holloway at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013 [24 favorites]
posted by joan_holloway at 2:13 PM on March 3, 2013 [24 favorites]
So, this is not really about the underwear. Leave because you're unhappy.
posted by heyjude at 2:14 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by heyjude at 2:14 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just a thought- would they fit him? Maybe he likes to wear them now and then and doesn't care to admit it.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:18 PM on March 3, 2013
posted by small_ruminant at 2:18 PM on March 3, 2013
Your gut is screaming at you to leave! The specific reason doesn't really matter at that point. Personally, even if things were going very well, I would probably leave my SO if three instances of found panties happened as you described above. Even if it were for totally innocent reasons, he isn't being honest with you about those reasons (if that's the case).
posted by marimeko at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by marimeko at 2:34 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've known random panties to appear under nonsuspicious circumstances. I often stayed with a male friend in the college dorms, which were sublet during vacations. On one of these occasions he handed me a pair of panties and said "here you go, freshly laundered," and I said "those aren't mine."
I know what you're thinking, but he was a practising Christian who didn't sleep around. Most likely they belonged to whoever stayed in the room during the vacation.
It's not even suspicious that my male friend handed me a pair of panties.
Your situation doesn't sound remotely like this. I realize I'm in the minority here, but I definitely would leave somebody over a recurring pair of unexplained panties. It's like asking "would you take offence at receiving three white feathers in the mail?" There's nothing offensive about feathers, unless you live in a society where mailing someone three white feathers is a codified insult. Saying "they're just feathers" would be very unperceptive. Scattering panties across the domestic landscape, and then obviously lying about them... What kind of a position is that to put you in?
I don't even care what the explanation for the panties is, what's important is that he won't provide that explanation. I know people are saying "what's important is that you have a bad relationship" and here's where my interpretation intersects with that. If you had a good relationship, all panties would be explained, and you wouldn't have gotten to the point of wanting to leave over this.
posted by tel3path at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
I know what you're thinking, but he was a practising Christian who didn't sleep around. Most likely they belonged to whoever stayed in the room during the vacation.
It's not even suspicious that my male friend handed me a pair of panties.
Your situation doesn't sound remotely like this. I realize I'm in the minority here, but I definitely would leave somebody over a recurring pair of unexplained panties. It's like asking "would you take offence at receiving three white feathers in the mail?" There's nothing offensive about feathers, unless you live in a society where mailing someone three white feathers is a codified insult. Saying "they're just feathers" would be very unperceptive. Scattering panties across the domestic landscape, and then obviously lying about them... What kind of a position is that to put you in?
I don't even care what the explanation for the panties is, what's important is that he won't provide that explanation. I know people are saying "what's important is that you have a bad relationship" and here's where my interpretation intersects with that. If you had a good relationship, all panties would be explained, and you wouldn't have gotten to the point of wanting to leave over this.
posted by tel3path at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: "Where did you get these panties?" '
"Um, the backyard."
"Oh, okay."
Just look at how ridiculous that sounds. He is lying to you. Why he's lying is open to debate, but those are not backyard panties, I can assure you.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2013 [35 favorites]
"Um, the backyard."
"Oh, okay."
Just look at how ridiculous that sounds. He is lying to you. Why he's lying is open to debate, but those are not backyard panties, I can assure you.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 2:40 PM on March 3, 2013 [35 favorites]
The panties are not 'a red herring' or 'irrelevant' and yes I would sure as shit dump his ass for lying to me about god knows what (Stealing other women's used underwear to masturbate with? Keeping creepy trophies of other conquests? GROSS), and then I'd go to the sexual health clinic and get a full screen.
If you don't have a mortgage or children with this guy, don't bother sticking around for this contemptuous treatment. It doesn't sound like he includes you in his life much and the over-zealous guarding of privacy, given the other evidence, does not bode well.
Don't throw more time away on him because you've already spent 6 years together. There is no 'payoff' for putting up with this stuff, trust me.
posted by everydayanewday at 2:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
If you don't have a mortgage or children with this guy, don't bother sticking around for this contemptuous treatment. It doesn't sound like he includes you in his life much and the over-zealous guarding of privacy, given the other evidence, does not bode well.
Don't throw more time away on him because you've already spent 6 years together. There is no 'payoff' for putting up with this stuff, trust me.
posted by everydayanewday at 2:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
I agree with the people who say that panties or no panties, you're not happy together, so there's your answer. However, I'd just like to add:
I have been in many backyards. Many times. I have never found a pair of panties there.
posted by Flunkie at 2:46 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
I have been in many backyards. Many times. I have never found a pair of panties there.
posted by Flunkie at 2:46 PM on March 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy.
This is an excellent reason to leave a relationship. You don't even need to bring the panties into it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:57 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is an excellent reason to leave a relationship. You don't even need to bring the panties into it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:57 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
By the way, I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.
Anecdata time. My sister had a longtime boyfriend of about five years who also had a secret. His was more along the lines of "I like to pretend to be women and then troll craigslist m4w section" but whatever. It was one of those things she'd ask him about, he'd have a story, she was like "I need you to be a little less secretive about this. You are welcome to your private life but it needs to not interfere with our relationship." and it mostly didn't. But every now and again it would, or it would leak over into their life together (He'd be doing secret texting, or she'd find porn in the recycle bin when she took it out). She had a big come to jesus conversation with him on New Year's saying that she thought they either needed to work this out or call it off because his secrecy (combined with lack of attention to their relationship stuff) wasn't okay with her, dealbreaker territory and she felt like she was doing all the work. He did the crying and begging thing. They had a miserable month together during which she felt they were "working on things" and then he surprised her by saying he'd rented an apartment and was moving in 48 hours, mail was already forwarded, goodbye. My sister's a little pissed she didn't dump his ass in January.
All of this is just to say, if you're not happy you're not happy. And if there's an ongoing thing, there's an ongoing thing. If you're not communicating well, you're not communicating well. This isn't about panties, really, that's just a symptom.
posted by jessamyn at 2:58 PM on March 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
Anecdata time. My sister had a longtime boyfriend of about five years who also had a secret. His was more along the lines of "I like to pretend to be women and then troll craigslist m4w section" but whatever. It was one of those things she'd ask him about, he'd have a story, she was like "I need you to be a little less secretive about this. You are welcome to your private life but it needs to not interfere with our relationship." and it mostly didn't. But every now and again it would, or it would leak over into their life together (He'd be doing secret texting, or she'd find porn in the recycle bin when she took it out). She had a big come to jesus conversation with him on New Year's saying that she thought they either needed to work this out or call it off because his secrecy (combined with lack of attention to their relationship stuff) wasn't okay with her, dealbreaker territory and she felt like she was doing all the work. He did the crying and begging thing. They had a miserable month together during which she felt they were "working on things" and then he surprised her by saying he'd rented an apartment and was moving in 48 hours, mail was already forwarded, goodbye. My sister's a little pissed she didn't dump his ass in January.
All of this is just to say, if you're not happy you're not happy. And if there's an ongoing thing, there's an ongoing thing. If you're not communicating well, you're not communicating well. This isn't about panties, really, that's just a symptom.
posted by jessamyn at 2:58 PM on March 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
If this were happening to me, I would lay out the facts as you have here, tell my boyfriend calmly that I don't believe him, and that he needs to help me understand what's going on.
posted by anthropomorphic at 2:58 PM on March 3, 2013
posted by anthropomorphic at 2:58 PM on March 3, 2013
I'd take a half second, ok, you are not happy with each other which may be a very legitimate reasons to go find other pastures. FWIW, most couples do go through some period where they may be unhappy with one another. There are ways to explore is a short term or long term thing. I mean, seriously if you are justs ticking around because it is easier than the alternative rip the bandage off and flee. If you guys do have real compassion and love for one another buried beyond this ennui it may be worth figuring out what is wrong (yeah... therapy...)
Regardless, the underwear thing does pose a real problem because something is happening that he is ashamed about. An affair or cross-dressing or a fetish are the obvious explanations, but rest assured there is something else then what he is telling you, and it well may be why the relationship is they way it is.
posted by edgeways at 2:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Regardless, the underwear thing does pose a real problem because something is happening that he is ashamed about. An affair or cross-dressing or a fetish are the obvious explanations, but rest assured there is something else then what he is telling you, and it well may be why the relationship is they way it is.
posted by edgeways at 2:59 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
The panties are not evidence of an affair, if that's what you're asking. It's a fetish.
The fact that he's embarrassed about it and hiding his fetish, and you're suspicious of it, hoo-boy, that's a much bigger question...
Of course, I could be wrong, but this just all seems like "careless masturbator" more than "had tawdry sex in your bedroom with someone else who happened to leave her panties and your boyfriend didn't scrub the place for evidence."
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:00 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
The fact that he's embarrassed about it and hiding his fetish, and you're suspicious of it, hoo-boy, that's a much bigger question...
Of course, I could be wrong, but this just all seems like "careless masturbator" more than "had tawdry sex in your bedroom with someone else who happened to leave her panties and your boyfriend didn't scrub the place for evidence."
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 3:00 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS DEFINITELY CHEATING ON YOU. (And he's not happy with you, and your not happy with him.)
Make the decision to leave him based on that statement, not "is it a problem that he has other women's underwear".
posted by Kololo at 3:35 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Make the decision to leave him based on that statement, not "is it a problem that he has other women's underwear".
posted by Kololo at 3:35 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I disagree that he's definitely cheating. I think it's a fetish. I don't really see why someone who was cheating would keep the (same pair?) of undies around for years. Unless he's cheating AND has an underwear fetish, which ok, is a possibility, too many blank spaces.
But yeah. No kids, no permanent ties, otherwise crappy relationship, you don't seem to have any compelling reasons for staying and he doesn't seem to be interested in working with you... just go.
posted by celtalitha at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
But yeah. No kids, no permanent ties, otherwise crappy relationship, you don't seem to have any compelling reasons for staying and he doesn't seem to be interested in working with you... just go.
posted by celtalitha at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think that the most likely thing is that he has a panty fetish that he's ashamed of. The fact that some of your panties were in his pillowcase pretty much seals it. It's understandable that you're upset, but it may also help you to deal with this to try to understand how he's feeling too - he's hiding something from you that he's ashamed of, and it's making him miserable. When you discover his secret, you're angry and confrontational (which is understandable, no-one likes to be lied to) so now he's probably shoveling another load of guild and shame onto himself.
I'm not saying that you have to try to stay with him, but it would really be a kindness if you guys were to sit down and have a really good, open talk where you guys try to figure out together - is this a fetish? if so, can you be ok with it? as fetishes go, it's pretty innocuous - maybe if he were open and honest about his desires, they wouldn't bother you. It's entirely possible that the strain of keeping this secret is what is causing discord in your relationship. If you decide to break up with him, you could save him a lot of extra shame and grief if you make it about your mutual happiness together, not about the panties.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying that you have to try to stay with him, but it would really be a kindness if you guys were to sit down and have a really good, open talk where you guys try to figure out together - is this a fetish? if so, can you be ok with it? as fetishes go, it's pretty innocuous - maybe if he were open and honest about his desires, they wouldn't bother you. It's entirely possible that the strain of keeping this secret is what is causing discord in your relationship. If you decide to break up with him, you could save him a lot of extra shame and grief if you make it about your mutual happiness together, not about the panties.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:41 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
P.S. I have a story verrrrrrrry similar to Jessamyn's sister, albeit different "topic of shame and secrecy" and two kids involved. Ugh. I can tell you, these things, once an issue to the relationship, are soooooo not simple to solve. Even if it's "just" an innocent fetish. He's obviously ashamed about it, he's lying to you, you're having all kinds of communications issues and you're both unhappy and clinging without being able to trust each other. Really, either get him to go to a counselor with you (which will be long and painful and I kind of doubt will happen in the first place) or... which I more recommend... just move on.
posted by celtalitha at 3:46 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by celtalitha at 3:46 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
By the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy.
The rest of your question is irrelevant. This is reason enough to end your relationship. What possible reason do you have for staying?
posted by modernnomad at 3:50 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
The rest of your question is irrelevant. This is reason enough to end your relationship. What possible reason do you have for staying?
posted by modernnomad at 3:50 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with everyone else that if you two are not making each other happy, there's no point to staying in the relationship. End it.
However, I also wanted to point out that it's not necessarily weird for him to have a regular guys night out or for you not to have access to his phone or computer. He gets to have friends and privacy even while in a relationship (as do you).
posted by ktkt at 4:15 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, I also wanted to point out that it's not necessarily weird for him to have a regular guys night out or for you not to have access to his phone or computer. He gets to have friends and privacy even while in a relationship (as do you).
posted by ktkt at 4:15 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
fwiw, I met this guy at an associates party many, many moons ago who drunkenly told me he had a fetish with women's underwear, so far gone that he actually bought it regularly from women, in used condition, off the internet. His gf also drunkenly told me she didn't let it bother her, apparently he had quite the collection. I suppose their ability to openly acknowledge and discuss it made it acceptable in their relationship. Some people are into things that the majority find weird, and some people are willing to accept other's weirdness when the majority would not. Whatever floats your boat type thing?
More importantly, I want to concur with others here, the part of your question that struck me was "by the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. " I think you already know what is best for you.
posted by Under the Sea at 4:54 PM on March 3, 2013
More importantly, I want to concur with others here, the part of your question that struck me was "by the way, we’re not that happy together either. No communication, we don't do a lot of activities together and he doesn't seem happy. " I think you already know what is best for you.
posted by Under the Sea at 4:54 PM on March 3, 2013
Like others, I think the more important question is why you're wasting your life with someone you're really not happy with, panties or no panties (and by the way, I totally don't buy his story). You only live once.
Try and enjoy it, yeah?
posted by Fister Roboto at 5:17 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Try and enjoy it, yeah?
posted by Fister Roboto at 5:17 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I tried to leave him in summer 2011 for other reasons but he started crying and begging me to give it a second chance, which I did.
Finish Him.
Seriously though: there is this notion out there (Seemingly more among young women than young men, in my observation)... That you need some kind of reason to break up with someone.
That is horseshit. It's not a cellphone contract. It's daily choice to cohabitate and have sex.
Considering Sex is part of the equation... there cannot be debate or logic required. Because then we are not in consent-land anymore, we've moved to coercion-ville.
You want to leave, leave. He wants to cry. Fine. you leave he cries.
posted by French Fry at 5:56 PM on March 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
Finish Him.
Seriously though: there is this notion out there (Seemingly more among young women than young men, in my observation)... That you need some kind of reason to break up with someone.
That is horseshit. It's not a cellphone contract. It's daily choice to cohabitate and have sex.
Considering Sex is part of the equation... there cannot be debate or logic required. Because then we are not in consent-land anymore, we've moved to coercion-ville.
You want to leave, leave. He wants to cry. Fine. you leave he cries.
posted by French Fry at 5:56 PM on March 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
It doesn't matter why he's lying to you or what he's covering. It doesn't even matter that it's about underpants, which suggests he's concealing something sexual that's important to him. What matters is that he is lying to you, over and over, about the same thing. Why would you put up with that?
posted by gingerest at 6:39 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gingerest at 6:39 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone. I think you're right, I am not focusing on the right thing. What's important is that I am not feeling good in this relationship. My boyfriend is often lying, even about small stuff so there is no trust there anymore. Or he makes promises that he won't keep, or he says that we will do something and last minute, he says he can't or doesn't want to. I am always waiting... It drives me crazy.
I have to admit that when I found the panties in December, maybe it accelerated the idea of leaving him. I told myself that I couldn't go further with this guy. I cannot buy a house with him, have a child, buy a car, etc.
posted by daile at 7:31 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have to admit that when I found the panties in December, maybe it accelerated the idea of leaving him. I told myself that I couldn't go further with this guy. I cannot buy a house with him, have a child, buy a car, etc.
posted by daile at 7:31 PM on March 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Dear daile:
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we've been living together for 6 years. We're in our early 30s. We have no child, no mortgage, only an apartment.
One more item sticks out to me when I read your question - perhaps because a similar length of time passed before I ended a relationship. I was hesitant to leave because of the amount of time I had "invested" in the relationship already. Don't let the number deter you from leaving. If you don't leave now and revisit this question next year - what will have changed? Don't throw out the good years with the bad; when you make your decision, endeavor to leave as soon as you can.
posted by seawallrunner at 9:26 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we've been living together for 6 years. We're in our early 30s. We have no child, no mortgage, only an apartment.
One more item sticks out to me when I read your question - perhaps because a similar length of time passed before I ended a relationship. I was hesitant to leave because of the amount of time I had "invested" in the relationship already. Don't let the number deter you from leaving. If you don't leave now and revisit this question next year - what will have changed? Don't throw out the good years with the bad; when you make your decision, endeavor to leave as soon as you can.
posted by seawallrunner at 9:26 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Way past time to leave.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:38 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by BlueHorse at 9:38 PM on March 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Since it's the same pair of panties you keep finding, it made me think of the character Slutty Kay from Little Children. (If you haven't seen it, a married man becomes obsessed with a woman on the internet and buys a pair of her panties to use while masturbating.) It's possible he's not cheating but has a kink he doesn't want you to know about. But that's neither here nor there. Leave him because you're unhappy.
posted by jabes at 9:03 AM on March 4, 2013
posted by jabes at 9:03 AM on March 4, 2013
Like others have said, yes, it's time to end this relationship. Actually, it's well past time to end it. With neither of you being happy, there's reason enough. Add to that the numerous instances of you finding underwear that is Not Yours in his possession and his coming up with ridiculous reasons as to why he has it. Who knows what the hell he's doing with it, but between the fact that he does and the lies he's been telling you for years about it, are again reason enough to call it a day.
Move on. You'll be glad you did.
posted by SoftSummerBreeze at 11:28 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Move on. You'll be glad you did.
posted by SoftSummerBreeze at 11:28 AM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: When I said that we're not that happy together, I was speaking about me. I assume that he's not happy, he never said that to me. Beside the panties, I have found 3 lists with objectives where he said "to find a girlfriend", sms with a girl I've never heard of, he doesn't let me drive his car for all those crazy reasons, a msn conversation with a friend where he said that he was not happy with me (ok, for that I snooped and feel bad about it). Seriously, I have a hard time to belive he loves me.
But when I tried to break up in 2011, he was in shock, he said he loves me but his actions say otherwise. I am pretty sure it will be the same this time agin.
Why is it so hard to tell him? Maybe because we barely speak to each other so it's not "natural".
Should I just say "Listen, I don't want to renew the lease, I want to break up, I am not happy with you anymore. And the panties are just too much". And let him ask questions?
posted by daile at 4:51 PM on March 4, 2013
But when I tried to break up in 2011, he was in shock, he said he loves me but his actions say otherwise. I am pretty sure it will be the same this time agin.
Why is it so hard to tell him? Maybe because we barely speak to each other so it's not "natural".
Should I just say "Listen, I don't want to renew the lease, I want to break up, I am not happy with you anymore. And the panties are just too much". And let him ask questions?
posted by daile at 4:51 PM on March 4, 2013
You should say "This is not a discussion. The correct number of times to come home with another woman's panties is ZERO. You did it three times. I'm breaking up with you. Our lease expires at the end of the month, and that's when I'm moving out. If you're staying here until then, you're sleeping on the couch."
Why let him ask questions? That sounds like you still hope he's innocent. There's no discussion to be had. If you want Chinese food for dinner but he wants Italian, THAT'S a discussion. Ending a relationship because he came home with other women's panties again and again even after you caught him the first time...?! There's nothing to discuss.
posted by 2oh1 at 5:59 PM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Why let him ask questions? That sounds like you still hope he's innocent. There's no discussion to be had. If you want Chinese food for dinner but he wants Italian, THAT'S a discussion. Ending a relationship because he came home with other women's panties again and again even after you caught him the first time...?! There's nothing to discuss.
posted by 2oh1 at 5:59 PM on March 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
You don't need to let him ask questions. He knows more or the answers than you do.
It's a shock, I know, that you're not just shrugging your shoulders and complying with whatever he does, be it finding a girlfriend, sequestering the car, or contributing extraneous panties to the household. But ai'm afraid he'll just have to cope with the shock. Same as you did.
posted by tel3path at 6:05 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's a shock, I know, that you're not just shrugging your shoulders and complying with whatever he does, be it finding a girlfriend, sequestering the car, or contributing extraneous panties to the household. But ai'm afraid he'll just have to cope with the shock. Same as you did.
posted by tel3path at 6:05 PM on March 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Let's look at this:
You are not happy.
That right there is enough.
You (don't need, but) have everyone's permission to leave him.
You deserve to be happy.
Continuing to stay with this guy keeps you from being happy.
----
If that doesn't seem like enough, add in the following:
Guy is collecting panties like it's Y2K. When asked, he gives a explanation cribbed from a 6-year-old. "Backyard", really? To repeat the wonderful quote above:
Just as likely is that these panties belong to someone else. So did he steal them from other women? Did he buy them from other women?
Or, again, just as likely, is he sleeping with other women?—not only being a POS, but also exposing you to unknown STDs?
And then there's this:
a guy that you're not happy with ☑
who is not happy with you ☑
who is staying with you to keep a roof over his head ☑
while he is on the look for someone else ☑
Honestly, there's enough here for three breakups.
I'd line up a place and move out while he was at work.
Let him keep his crying act to himself and his pillowcase full of women's panties.
posted by blueberry at 9:36 PM on March 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
You are not happy.
That right there is enough.
You (don't need, but) have everyone's permission to leave him.
You deserve to be happy.
Continuing to stay with this guy keeps you from being happy.
----
If that doesn't seem like enough, add in the following:
Guy is collecting panties like it's Y2K. When asked, he gives a explanation cribbed from a 6-year-old. "Backyard", really? To repeat the wonderful quote above:
"Those are not backyard panties,He has—and this is the best case scenario here—got some sort of panty fetish, be it wearing, cuddling, or whatever. Fine. But, even though you two have shared your lives the better part of a decade, he doesn't trust you enough to be honest about it.
I can assure you."
Just as likely is that these panties belong to someone else. So did he steal them from other women? Did he buy them from other women?
Or, again, just as likely, is he sleeping with other women?—not only being a POS, but also exposing you to unknown STDs?
And then there's this:
...Beside the panties, I have found 3 lists with objectives where he said "to find a girlfriend"... a msn conversation with a friend where he said that he was not happy with meSo, now we have:
a guy that you're not happy with ☑
who is not happy with you ☑
who is staying with you to keep a roof over his head ☑
while he is on the look for someone else ☑
Honestly, there's enough here for three breakups.
I'd line up a place and move out while he was at work.
Let him keep his crying act to himself and his pillowcase full of women's panties.
posted by blueberry at 9:36 PM on March 4, 2013 [9 favorites]
y'know, your updates paint a much wider picture than your original question, and I have to say that it's definitely time to get out. It's crappy to have to break up with someone, especially if they make a fuss over it, but I think that you'll be a lot happier afterwards. An odd fetish is one thing, but along with all the other stuff, it's just too much.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:55 PM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:55 PM on March 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, with the updates and all... Just move out and move on. If you feel you owe it to him leave a note or voicemail or email, but the ship has sailed, up to you how much forewarning to give, none is a viable option. As is no further contact.
posted by edgeways at 6:54 AM on March 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by edgeways at 6:54 AM on March 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
He's a lazy motherfucker who isn't happy with you but wants to have regular sex with you and is too much of a coward to break up with you. He's probably cheating now and is lying in wait for the right woman to leave you for. I say this bluntly not to hurt you, but because I think you should be way more pissed off at this guy than you are, and definitely drop his ass and let him cry himself to sleep for a few nights. Let him bawl his little secretive, manipulative cheater eyes out right into a pair of used panties.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:46 AM on March 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by stoneandstar at 9:46 AM on March 5, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Why do I feel so bad to want to breakup with him, I don't get it. I am sure about what I want but I just don't do it. I know for sure I will have no regrets, I don't love him anymore. I thought about snooping on his cell phone to find a proof. But if I don't find anything, my doubts won't go away. So I concluded snooping is not worth it... Any advice? Anyone has been in this situation before?! Thank you.
posted by daile at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2013
posted by daile at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2013
Yeah, I think you're making this more complicated than it needs to be. You're not prosecuting him for a crime in a court of law - you're dumping him because you're miserable. There's no standard of evidence for ending a relationship - you don't need to prove he's a liar or a skunk. Are you unhappy and out of love ONLY because of the underpants? It sure doesn't sound like it - you two "barely speak".
posted by gingerest at 9:04 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gingerest at 9:04 PM on March 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
« Older Need To Find A Freelance Editor | How can you make sure buyers use a web-platform... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
You admit that neither of you are happy. This is the key issue here, not the panties.
posted by fight or flight at 1:57 PM on March 3, 2013 [29 favorites]