Is continuing to sleep with an ex ever not a bad idea?
February 28, 2013 4:01 PM Subscribe
TL;DR: The guy I'm dating non-exclusively is still sleeping with his ex. I can't decide if this is a red flag or not. For the record, I have been the one insisting we keep things open.
I''m hoping the good folks of Ask.Me can help me out with a conundrum I can't seem to sort through on my own. I apologize if this gets overly complicated.
I (mid-20s female) have been dating a man (mid-20s male) for about a month now. I like him, and I know he likes me a lot; I've been trying to take things slowly because I have a long sordid history of jumping way too quickly into new relationships, and because I went through a serious break-up back in November and am very much not ready for something serious right now.
We see each other 2-3 times a week, go out, sleep over, etc. We have talked about other partners (I'm seeing other people as well, though not currently sleeping with any of them) and I know he sees his ex about once a week - he described it as a friends-with-benefits type thing. They dated for two years, lived together for some of that time, and she left him for someone else after lying about it for a while and broke his heart. They still have mutual friends and see each other through them as well, and as far as I can tell they've not taken a significant amount of time off from seeing each other/sleeping together.
I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal; he then followed it up with "besides, she's madly in love with her boyfriend" which is what kind of threw me off. He's also mentioned previously that he doesn't think they (the ex and her new beau) are very good for each other, and I can sense some residual bitterness regarding the whole thing.
I suppose the problem I'm having is twofold:
-First of all, I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex. I don't know that he is, and maybe I ought to just trust what he tells me, but I can't help being a bit wary after my own recent heartbreak.
-Secondly, I'm not even totally sure how I feel about this guy; a lot of the time I really, really like him, and could imagine something serious developing further down the road, and other times it just feels kind of off and like we're not quite clicking the way I have with previous partners. I definitely want to give this thing time, and I'm content with him meanwhile, but:
a) I don't know if my ambivalence indicates that I shouldn't bring this potentially quite touchy subject up with him until I've a better idea of how I feel and/or
b) if our "not clicking" is because I'm holding back with him as I know his ex is still in the picture to some degree and I would very much like to avoid being hurt in this situation.
Too sum up in question form:
Is this even any of my business?
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how?
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back?
Extra bonus question:
Is all of this nonsense an indication that I should give up on open relationships and just ask for exclusivity? I really like dating/kissing other people but so far I haven't really managed to be sexual with more than one person concurrently.
Footnotes:
-Until recently I was still sleeping with my ex, so it's not like I don't understand the temptation, but I stopped seeing him when I realized whatever spark we had was gone.
-I know new guy is sleeping with one or two other people on occasion as well, and that doesn't bother me. Just the ex.
-I know he really likes me, for example he's suggested we make plans for a concert several months away, has wanted to see me more often but I've purposely kept it to 2 dates a week, etc.
I''m hoping the good folks of Ask.Me can help me out with a conundrum I can't seem to sort through on my own. I apologize if this gets overly complicated.
I (mid-20s female) have been dating a man (mid-20s male) for about a month now. I like him, and I know he likes me a lot; I've been trying to take things slowly because I have a long sordid history of jumping way too quickly into new relationships, and because I went through a serious break-up back in November and am very much not ready for something serious right now.
We see each other 2-3 times a week, go out, sleep over, etc. We have talked about other partners (I'm seeing other people as well, though not currently sleeping with any of them) and I know he sees his ex about once a week - he described it as a friends-with-benefits type thing. They dated for two years, lived together for some of that time, and she left him for someone else after lying about it for a while and broke his heart. They still have mutual friends and see each other through them as well, and as far as I can tell they've not taken a significant amount of time off from seeing each other/sleeping together.
I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal; he then followed it up with "besides, she's madly in love with her boyfriend" which is what kind of threw me off. He's also mentioned previously that he doesn't think they (the ex and her new beau) are very good for each other, and I can sense some residual bitterness regarding the whole thing.
I suppose the problem I'm having is twofold:
-First of all, I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex. I don't know that he is, and maybe I ought to just trust what he tells me, but I can't help being a bit wary after my own recent heartbreak.
-Secondly, I'm not even totally sure how I feel about this guy; a lot of the time I really, really like him, and could imagine something serious developing further down the road, and other times it just feels kind of off and like we're not quite clicking the way I have with previous partners. I definitely want to give this thing time, and I'm content with him meanwhile, but:
a) I don't know if my ambivalence indicates that I shouldn't bring this potentially quite touchy subject up with him until I've a better idea of how I feel and/or
b) if our "not clicking" is because I'm holding back with him as I know his ex is still in the picture to some degree and I would very much like to avoid being hurt in this situation.
Too sum up in question form:
Is this even any of my business?
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how?
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back?
Extra bonus question:
Is all of this nonsense an indication that I should give up on open relationships and just ask for exclusivity? I really like dating/kissing other people but so far I haven't really managed to be sexual with more than one person concurrently.
Footnotes:
-Until recently I was still sleeping with my ex, so it's not like I don't understand the temptation, but I stopped seeing him when I realized whatever spark we had was gone.
-I know new guy is sleeping with one or two other people on occasion as well, and that doesn't bother me. Just the ex.
-I know he really likes me, for example he's suggested we make plans for a concert several months away, has wanted to see me more often but I've purposely kept it to 2 dates a week, etc.
It sounds like he's still totally in love with his ex, and that she is cheating on her bf, on top of it all.
Back slowly away from this cluster f*ck and find someone with less dramaz/baggage.
You say you want to go slowly and find something healthy? Hon, this is definitively not a healthy situation that can blossom into something with more commitment.
RUN.
posted by jbenben at 4:08 PM on February 28, 2013 [25 favorites]
Back slowly away from this cluster f*ck and find someone with less dramaz/baggage.
You say you want to go slowly and find something healthy? Hon, this is definitively not a healthy situation that can blossom into something with more commitment.
RUN.
posted by jbenben at 4:08 PM on February 28, 2013 [25 favorites]
Well, I'm a very exclusivity-oriented person, so take this with a grain of salt. But the only time I have slept with an ex is when I was completely hung up on that person and was making bad choices.
But other people are wired differently, I suppose. But I would run away from him in screaming terror.
posted by angrycat at 4:08 PM on February 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
But other people are wired differently, I suppose. But I would run away from him in screaming terror.
posted by angrycat at 4:08 PM on February 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Sleeping with your ex and holding resentment against her current bf is the opposite of how open relationships that are done well operate.
Sorry if I missed that everyone is in open relationships here.
This is still too much drama if you get in any deeper. It will only get worse, not better.
posted by jbenben at 4:11 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sorry if I missed that everyone is in open relationships here.
This is still too much drama if you get in any deeper. It will only get worse, not better.
posted by jbenben at 4:11 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're still not really sure about the guy for other reasons, why do you care about this? It's probably not the best choice a person could make, yeah, especially since it sounds like the breakup was pretty recent and under less-than-amicable circumstances. But since you say yourself that you want to take it slowly, and that you're non-exclusive at the moment, AND that you don't sound too nuts about him at 1 month in, I'm kind of leaning on the side of not-your-business (or maybe more accurately: not-your-probable-trainwreck)
posted by kagredon at 4:14 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by kagredon at 4:14 PM on February 28, 2013
Run.
He dated her for years, they lived together, she broke his heart, and he's still sleeping with her, and telling you how her new relationship is no good for her....
Nothing about that implies that this relationship can end well.
posted by inertia at 4:22 PM on February 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
He dated her for years, they lived together, she broke his heart, and he's still sleeping with her, and telling you how her new relationship is no good for her....
Nothing about that implies that this relationship can end well.
posted by inertia at 4:22 PM on February 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
As others have said, to me it sounds like he isn't really over his ex at all. I've done the "sleeping with an ex" thing and it was always because I was really hung up on them and hoping they would come around at some point. Especially when you factor in his comments about the ex's boyfriend.
If nothing else, this whole situation sounds like a huge mess of drama that's only going to get worse.
posted by Kimmalah at 4:26 PM on February 28, 2013
If nothing else, this whole situation sounds like a huge mess of drama that's only going to get worse.
posted by Kimmalah at 4:26 PM on February 28, 2013
I got into a relationship with a guy who was still living with his ex once, for (he said) boring lease reasons (they had their own bedrooms). He was also still playing a "fatherly" role to her son (not his son, hers from a previous relationship). Something about it made me really uneasy and I didn't listen to that. The relationship spiralled out of control over really stupid things: me asking him to spend time at my place, me asking me to prioritize spending time with me over being a surrogate father to his ex-gf's kid, her going bonkers when he made me his number one myspace friend -- yes everybody in question was over 26 at the time! I justified it all to myself by saying: we are all non-traditional! We are forming our own families and relationships outside the sytem! It's all healthy if we want it to be!
Doesn't really work. When we broke up his girlfriend called me and said hateful things to me. She was still totally wrapped up in jealousy and weirdness. I learned the hard way that if somebody is still intimate with their ex to that degree, maybe she's not really his "ex" yet.
posted by sweltering at 4:34 PM on February 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Doesn't really work. When we broke up his girlfriend called me and said hateful things to me. She was still totally wrapped up in jealousy and weirdness. I learned the hard way that if somebody is still intimate with their ex to that degree, maybe she's not really his "ex" yet.
posted by sweltering at 4:34 PM on February 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
So, to answer your question, on preview. Red flags are if there's any sort of emotional territoriality with the ex. That was the red flag I ignored.
posted by sweltering at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by sweltering at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Okay, don't want to thread-sit but I do want to make a few comments:
-His ex has come up as a topic of discussion maybe 2 or 3 times, and mostly because I've asked questions regarding their relationship. This is hardly the drama-fest y'all are making it out to be.
-I appreciate everyone's responses, but feedback from super monogamous people might not be overly helpful right now. I'm not going to run screaming in the other direction, and once again I am the one who has insisted we be open. I'm fairly sure if I asked for it he'd be exclusive with me in a heartbeat, I just don't actually want that right now.
-I'm friends with a lot of vehemently sex-positive and poly folk, so I'm surrounded by examples of healthy, functional non-monogamy (and some not-so-healthy examples); I know it can and does work for some people; I'm just trying to figure out if it works for me, and this is one of my first forays into that world.
More personal experiences like Rodrigo Lamaitre's answer would be really helpful, thank you!
posted by krakenattack at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
-His ex has come up as a topic of discussion maybe 2 or 3 times, and mostly because I've asked questions regarding their relationship. This is hardly the drama-fest y'all are making it out to be.
-I appreciate everyone's responses, but feedback from super monogamous people might not be overly helpful right now. I'm not going to run screaming in the other direction, and once again I am the one who has insisted we be open. I'm fairly sure if I asked for it he'd be exclusive with me in a heartbeat, I just don't actually want that right now.
-I'm friends with a lot of vehemently sex-positive and poly folk, so I'm surrounded by examples of healthy, functional non-monogamy (and some not-so-healthy examples); I know it can and does work for some people; I'm just trying to figure out if it works for me, and this is one of my first forays into that world.
More personal experiences like Rodrigo Lamaitre's answer would be really helpful, thank you!
posted by krakenattack at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Sorry if I missed this but -- You've said a lot about how you wan t to take it slow, you are putting the brakes on, and that you don't want to jump into a relationship... but what about him? What does he want (with you or otherwise?) And how long ago did his relationship end?
I'm gonna go Lone Ranger here in that I have slept with an ex a few times simply for the sex, but I'm also going to point out that once I met someone I really liked, I stopped doing that. So I am wondering if part of the reason that he hasn't stopped sleeping with her/engaging with her is less because he wants her back and maybe because he has no real motivation to.
At any rate, this sounds like a big ball of drama-rama and for a guy you aren't sure about, I don't know if it's worth it. Maybe you do want exclusivity, but to me it just sounds like you'd like to hedge your bets.
posted by sm1tten at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm gonna go Lone Ranger here in that I have slept with an ex a few times simply for the sex, but I'm also going to point out that once I met someone I really liked, I stopped doing that. So I am wondering if part of the reason that he hasn't stopped sleeping with her/engaging with her is less because he wants her back and maybe because he has no real motivation to.
At any rate, this sounds like a big ball of drama-rama and for a guy you aren't sure about, I don't know if it's worth it. Maybe you do want exclusivity, but to me it just sounds like you'd like to hedge your bets.
posted by sm1tten at 4:37 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
So I always recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino to everyone doing or considering open relationships, and I think this is one area where she's particularly helpful.
In poly speak, we'd call this "chasing primaries"---it sounds like you want to be your dude's primary romantic/sexual partner, and he wants to be the ex's primary romantic/sexual partner, and she wants to be her new guy's primary romantic/sexual partner, and perhaps she is. But my guess is that you'll never come first with your dude as long as he's still having a thing with his ex, so if that's important to you, he may not be The One.
What I would have done in my poly days was go out on a big double date just to clear the air, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:40 PM on February 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
In poly speak, we'd call this "chasing primaries"---it sounds like you want to be your dude's primary romantic/sexual partner, and he wants to be the ex's primary romantic/sexual partner, and she wants to be her new guy's primary romantic/sexual partner, and perhaps she is. But my guess is that you'll never come first with your dude as long as he's still having a thing with his ex, so if that's important to you, he may not be The One.
What I would have done in my poly days was go out on a big double date just to clear the air, but I know that doesn't work for everyone.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:40 PM on February 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Keep it like it is if you're OK with him never, ever becoming emotionally available to you. But I'm reading between your lines and I think you should start sleeping exclusively with other people and not this guy.
posted by mibo at 4:40 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by mibo at 4:40 PM on February 28, 2013
Response by poster: Last one I promise: they broke up last July.
posted by krakenattack at 4:44 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by krakenattack at 4:44 PM on February 28, 2013
Per your followup: The reason I think it sounds dramatic is because they share mutual friends and cross social paths on what sounded like a fairly regular basis despite the fact that she broke his heart and lied to him. I personally have never seen a social circle that could handle that much fucking around, especially if one of the people is a deceitful, and then having a new boyfriend or girlfriend in the mix? I've read this book before, in fact, I was in this book, but hey, for you I hope it has a sweet ending.
Also, to me "open relationship" is different from what you are doing, which is casually, non-exclusively dating. But that's an aside.
posted by sm1tten at 4:44 PM on February 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
Also, to me "open relationship" is different from what you are doing, which is casually, non-exclusively dating. But that's an aside.
posted by sm1tten at 4:44 PM on February 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
The reason I think this situation is going to lead to some major drama is because of the new boyfriend in the mix. Does he even know this guy is still sleeping with his girlfriend? At best, there's a real potential for some major jealousy and at worst he doesn't know but he'll eventually find out (and they ALWAYS find out) his girlfriend is cheating on him with her ex.
So yeah the situation is under control now, but to me it just seems like a ticking time bomb.
posted by Kimmalah at 4:50 PM on February 28, 2013
So yeah the situation is under control now, but to me it just seems like a ticking time bomb.
posted by Kimmalah at 4:50 PM on February 28, 2013
So you are dating a man who is also sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, who is cheating on her new boyfriend. Said new man does not think ex-girlfriend and new boyfriend are good together, so he doesn't see it as a problem that she is being unfaithful to new boyfriend.
And then your new man says that it's not a problem because he could never trust the ex-girlfriend that he is still sleeping with – who is cheating on her new boyfriend – again?
It sounds like your new man and his "ex" girlfriend are having trouble breaking it off. If there's any chance that you could fall for this guy, you should probably keep your guard up. Whilst you know what you don't want – another relationship at this point in time – it doesn't sound like he has any idea of what he wants beyond sex.
posted by nickrussell at 5:08 PM on February 28, 2013
And then your new man says that it's not a problem because he could never trust the ex-girlfriend that he is still sleeping with – who is cheating on her new boyfriend – again?
It sounds like your new man and his "ex" girlfriend are having trouble breaking it off. If there's any chance that you could fall for this guy, you should probably keep your guard up. Whilst you know what you don't want – another relationship at this point in time – it doesn't sound like he has any idea of what he wants beyond sex.
posted by nickrussell at 5:08 PM on February 28, 2013
I don't think OP's post or comments give any reason to assume that ex's new boyfriend is unaware that OP's boyfriend is sleeping with ex (man, this thread does not lend itself to pronouns.)
posted by kagredon at 5:12 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kagredon at 5:12 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
If your dude's ex's new guy doesn't know that your dude and his ex are still having a thing, potential dramabomb. Assuming everyone's cool with everything and behaving responsibly, the key question is whether you want a primary relationship with him or not. If not, keep on keeping on. If so, you're out of luck because he's still enmeshed with her.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on February 28, 2013
Response by poster: Ahh, metafilter derailments. Please assume everyone knows about everyone and that no one is cheating.
posted by krakenattack at 5:17 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by krakenattack at 5:17 PM on February 28, 2013
Best answer: I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal
This, to me, is a red flag. Not that he's sleeping with her, per se; but the fact that he is willing to continue seeing this woman, maintain a friendship with her, and even sleep together, all after she allegedly betrayed him and lied to him. Not to mention that he is, based on your post, clearly still bitter and resentful about what happened.
I do not see how this arrangement with her can possibly be healthy, and the fact the he is willing to stay involved in such a dynamic should give you serious pause, if you're considering pursuing a serious relationship somewhere down the road.
posted by Broseph at 5:20 PM on February 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
This, to me, is a red flag. Not that he's sleeping with her, per se; but the fact that he is willing to continue seeing this woman, maintain a friendship with her, and even sleep together, all after she allegedly betrayed him and lied to him. Not to mention that he is, based on your post, clearly still bitter and resentful about what happened.
I do not see how this arrangement with her can possibly be healthy, and the fact the he is willing to stay involved in such a dynamic should give you serious pause, if you're considering pursuing a serious relationship somewhere down the road.
posted by Broseph at 5:20 PM on February 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
Even taking into account that this is a poly situation (though I tend to agree with sm1tten in that this sounds more like casual dating to me), this bit quoted by Broseph sticks out to me:
I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal
If it were me and I didn't want to get back with my ex because I knew them, went through it and learned my lesson, I'd have said "I won't ever get back together with her because we're not good for each other and it is done". Caveat here: I'm all about words and I will bean plate the fuck out of benign things people say to me but still. That statement to me says that he's not over it and that sleeping with his ex is a way to hang on to her.
And as mentioned already, why would you want to sleep with someone that has wronged you in that way? Hell, I wouldn't be friends with someone that had treated me that way, let alone let their privates touch mine.
To answer directly...
Is this even any of my business? Sure. It absolutely is.
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how? I would, indeed. I'd examine what exactly I was hoping to get out of the relationship and then be very clear and honest about his behavior with his ex shooting red flares into the sky for you. I'd ask if his interest in you included you being his primary and then take that answer, process it, and decide to stick it out or move on. As for the how: You just do it. Bring it up, mention that it's weighing on your mind, and take off with it. I know that seems overly simple for something that's bothering you, but really, it's just that easy.
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back? Um, his sleeping with her would indicate that, yeah. I'm trying to be sensitive to the poly aspect you say is here but he's been down that road with his ex, he got hurt, and he's not moving on. In any relationship (monogamous, poly, whatever) it's not healthy behavior.
posted by youandiandaflame at 6:43 PM on February 28, 2013
I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal
If it were me and I didn't want to get back with my ex because I knew them, went through it and learned my lesson, I'd have said "I won't ever get back together with her because we're not good for each other and it is done". Caveat here: I'm all about words and I will bean plate the fuck out of benign things people say to me but still. That statement to me says that he's not over it and that sleeping with his ex is a way to hang on to her.
And as mentioned already, why would you want to sleep with someone that has wronged you in that way? Hell, I wouldn't be friends with someone that had treated me that way, let alone let their privates touch mine.
To answer directly...
Is this even any of my business? Sure. It absolutely is.
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how? I would, indeed. I'd examine what exactly I was hoping to get out of the relationship and then be very clear and honest about his behavior with his ex shooting red flares into the sky for you. I'd ask if his interest in you included you being his primary and then take that answer, process it, and decide to stick it out or move on. As for the how: You just do it. Bring it up, mention that it's weighing on your mind, and take off with it. I know that seems overly simple for something that's bothering you, but really, it's just that easy.
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back? Um, his sleeping with her would indicate that, yeah. I'm trying to be sensitive to the poly aspect you say is here but he's been down that road with his ex, he got hurt, and he's not moving on. In any relationship (monogamous, poly, whatever) it's not healthy behavior.
posted by youandiandaflame at 6:43 PM on February 28, 2013
I feel like one of the few nonmonogamous people replying here, which is probably what you wanted...
But that said, Jesus. This sounds like such awful highschool drama. I'm striving to be respectful here, but I just can't see a way this won't lead to soap opera crap, almost to the point that I think one or two people involved might even want that.
I can't escape the feeling that he's hung up on his ex, and that maybe she enjoys the attention of having two guys fawning over here. I understand that not having seen many situations like this in the past you might not have recognized the warning signs, but seeing it written out in the way you have it's just cringe inducing.
I'm seconding what other people have said. What exactly do you want from this? You're never going to have a "primary" relationship with him, and eventually she's going to go date someone else and her current boyfriend might flip out on your guy and bla bla bla.
I can't see any good outcome from this that will make anyone involved happy. This is just leading to tears all around.
This seems "open" and "non traditional" on paper, but it really just reads as a crappy drama ticking time bomb winding up. I feel like neither him nor his ex have the maturity to really make something like this work.
I almost want to ask "what attracted you to this person and situation?" But this really isn't the place for that. I would say some introspection is strongly recommended though.
posted by emptythought at 8:26 PM on February 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
But that said, Jesus. This sounds like such awful highschool drama. I'm striving to be respectful here, but I just can't see a way this won't lead to soap opera crap, almost to the point that I think one or two people involved might even want that.
I can't escape the feeling that he's hung up on his ex, and that maybe she enjoys the attention of having two guys fawning over here. I understand that not having seen many situations like this in the past you might not have recognized the warning signs, but seeing it written out in the way you have it's just cringe inducing.
I'm seconding what other people have said. What exactly do you want from this? You're never going to have a "primary" relationship with him, and eventually she's going to go date someone else and her current boyfriend might flip out on your guy and bla bla bla.
I can't see any good outcome from this that will make anyone involved happy. This is just leading to tears all around.
This seems "open" and "non traditional" on paper, but it really just reads as a crappy drama ticking time bomb winding up. I feel like neither him nor his ex have the maturity to really make something like this work.
I almost want to ask "what attracted you to this person and situation?" But this really isn't the place for that. I would say some introspection is strongly recommended though.
posted by emptythought at 8:26 PM on February 28, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Hmm, I am vaguely in your ex's situation. I don't really have a good answer, but maybe the brook's babbling will sound like wisdom.
I've been sleeping with my ex and we're both dating other people. We are "never, ever, ever" getting back together, but the chemistry's great.
I guess I had a fairly long (18 mo) hiatus, including one closed monogamous relationship, but I essentially ended that because the ex's relationship ended also, and I wanted to be close to the ex without inciting the current partner's (not completely unrightful) alarm and jealousy.
So I'm now trying to see myself from the perspective of the people I'm dating. No one's gotten quite as serious as you and this guy: these people are maybe once-per-week, 2-3x/month. I don't think I could be with someone 2-3x a week if I were still really attached to the ex.
Monogamy and closedness guarantee primacy -- that is, being each other's priority. Do you get that feeling from him? Do you believe he is capable of offering that to you?
I like Rodrigo Lamaitre's answer: talk to him; consider his words and actions; consider your feelings and deliberations, then act.
Though, one thing: It does stick out that he speaks ill of his current girlfriend's suitor. What happened to compersion and good feelings within the polycule?
posted by batter_my_heart at 8:47 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've been sleeping with my ex and we're both dating other people. We are "never, ever, ever" getting back together, but the chemistry's great.
I guess I had a fairly long (18 mo) hiatus, including one closed monogamous relationship, but I essentially ended that because the ex's relationship ended also, and I wanted to be close to the ex without inciting the current partner's (not completely unrightful) alarm and jealousy.
So I'm now trying to see myself from the perspective of the people I'm dating. No one's gotten quite as serious as you and this guy: these people are maybe once-per-week, 2-3x/month. I don't think I could be with someone 2-3x a week if I were still really attached to the ex.
Monogamy and closedness guarantee primacy -- that is, being each other's priority. Do you get that feeling from him? Do you believe he is capable of offering that to you?
I like Rodrigo Lamaitre's answer: talk to him; consider his words and actions; consider your feelings and deliberations, then act.
Though, one thing: It does stick out that he speaks ill of his current girlfriend's suitor. What happened to compersion and good feelings within the polycule?
posted by batter_my_heart at 8:47 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let's see, he's dating you and he's sleeping with his ex. No, wait a minute, he's dating his ex and sleeping with you. No, that's not right either, he's sleeping with you and sleeping with his ex and he's dating one or two other people on occasion. No, still wrong, he's sleeping with his ex, sleeping with you, and sleeping with one or two other people on occasion. He's not dating anyone. Got it now?
posted by Dansaman at 9:55 PM on February 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 9:55 PM on February 28, 2013 [4 favorites]
You know he is nothing but trouble. Forget this boy and find another.
posted by Pudhoho at 10:22 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by Pudhoho at 10:22 PM on February 28, 2013
Excellent point, batter_my_heart. OP's dude's hostility to his ex's new BF would be troubling to me. There's something icky about hearing your partner diss another partner's other partner. Not that everyone has to be sunshine and flowers, but what he's doing isn't cool.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:47 PM on February 28, 2013
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:47 PM on February 28, 2013
Best answer: I slept with one of my exes for a few months after we broke up, and I think that it's an experience that I don't think that either of us regrets. We're still (platonic) friends and have moved on to other relationships that suit us better, but we had good chemistry in bed and we knew that we could trust each other. To say that I didn't have feelings for her at the time would be a lie, but I also don't think that the sex did anything to prolong what I would have felt anyway.
As for whether or not it's healthy that your guy doesn't like her new boyfriend: I was not at all a fan of my ex's next guy after me. I don't think that there was anything unhealthy about that; he was objectively mean to her. I did make an effort to be friendly with him when we met (and to give what little credit he deserves, he extended the same effort to me), because I felt like I owed that to my ex. There's nothing unhealthy about disliking someone who behaves badly towards someone for whom you care, whether you had a past relationship or not.
My ex's current boyfriend, by the way, is an absolute delight.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:21 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
As for whether or not it's healthy that your guy doesn't like her new boyfriend: I was not at all a fan of my ex's next guy after me. I don't think that there was anything unhealthy about that; he was objectively mean to her. I did make an effort to be friendly with him when we met (and to give what little credit he deserves, he extended the same effort to me), because I felt like I owed that to my ex. There's nothing unhealthy about disliking someone who behaves badly towards someone for whom you care, whether you had a past relationship or not.
My ex's current boyfriend, by the way, is an absolute delight.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 11:21 PM on February 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
This question has a lot of things you should ask him (is he still carrying a torch for his ex?) and yourself (do you even want to be with him? do you want this to be exclusive?). I feel like you're looking for these objective answers and you'd get more certainty by trying to understand what is emotionally true for you and for him.
posted by salvia at 12:05 AM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:05 AM on March 1, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have a fair amount if experience in open relationships very specific to your question.
As in your case, my guy and his ex were still intimate. She also broke his heart, although no outright cheating was involved. What happened there was that after many years as each other's primary relationship, she swapped out out my guy as her primary for another man.
Unlike in your case, my guy did not have any (that I ever saw) resentment towards the New Guy. None whatsoever.
Long after I was out of the poly side, but still friends with everybody, those relationships still blew up into drama. The reason was simple: This supposedly ex primary couple never entirely moved on from their prior primary dynamic, and it eventually fucked with everyone's head.
You are in the beginning stages of this situation.
You may win if you stick with it, or you may lose.
When everyone cautions you to run, it isn't about poly or monogamous!
Everyone is cautioning you because despite this guy's carefulness about how he does or does not mention his ex, his sentiments about his ex troubled you, and us, too. Hence your question here.
Everyone answering here has been in your shoes with a guy hung up on his ex. He's still sleeping with her AND judging her new primary boyfriend. He's overly invested in her choices. His ego is taking the front seat on this.
Sure. Talk to him!
We're all letting you know his words and deeds are are typically the words and deeds of a man not over his ex. If you feel like being played in this manner, such that you have to prove yourself against her and "top" her in his heart - so be it.
Usually, tho, you should know that your's is the losing role in this type of situation.
Don't invest too much with this guy. If he naturally breaks things off with his ex - yay! If she remains a fixture (even after they stop sleeping together) be prepared for a tough and weird journey.
It's gonna be painful for all involved. I know because I've witnessed it more than the one time I espoused about in the beginning of this comment.
*Furthermore, I agree it sounds like you are casually dating while he is engaging in a version of open relationship, that frankly, most people I know that are successfully poly frown upon. So. There's that*
posted by jbenben at 12:15 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]
As in your case, my guy and his ex were still intimate. She also broke his heart, although no outright cheating was involved. What happened there was that after many years as each other's primary relationship, she swapped out out my guy as her primary for another man.
Unlike in your case, my guy did not have any (that I ever saw) resentment towards the New Guy. None whatsoever.
Long after I was out of the poly side, but still friends with everybody, those relationships still blew up into drama. The reason was simple: This supposedly ex primary couple never entirely moved on from their prior primary dynamic, and it eventually fucked with everyone's head.
You are in the beginning stages of this situation.
You may win if you stick with it, or you may lose.
When everyone cautions you to run, it isn't about poly or monogamous!
Everyone is cautioning you because despite this guy's carefulness about how he does or does not mention his ex, his sentiments about his ex troubled you, and us, too. Hence your question here.
Everyone answering here has been in your shoes with a guy hung up on his ex. He's still sleeping with her AND judging her new primary boyfriend. He's overly invested in her choices. His ego is taking the front seat on this.
Sure. Talk to him!
We're all letting you know his words and deeds are are typically the words and deeds of a man not over his ex. If you feel like being played in this manner, such that you have to prove yourself against her and "top" her in his heart - so be it.
Usually, tho, you should know that your's is the losing role in this type of situation.
Don't invest too much with this guy. If he naturally breaks things off with his ex - yay! If she remains a fixture (even after they stop sleeping together) be prepared for a tough and weird journey.
It's gonna be painful for all involved. I know because I've witnessed it more than the one time I espoused about in the beginning of this comment.
*Furthermore, I agree it sounds like you are casually dating while he is engaging in a version of open relationship, that frankly, most people I know that are successfully poly frown upon. So. There's that*
posted by jbenben at 12:15 AM on March 1, 2013 [5 favorites]
None of this sounds very healthy to me.
There are great ways of being open in a relationship and of being in a polyamorous relationship, I don't see any evidence of them here though.
You know and I know that being hurt and angry with an ex, yet continuing to be friends with that person and sleeping with him/her is unhealthy. How can he get over her, if she won't go away?
You, on the other hand, aren't really ready for a relationship, so you've found a pleasant guy with whom you enjoy sex. I'd applaud you if I didn't think that he was using you in some weird way, in some weird dynamic to score points off his ex.
The part where your question goes off the rails is: I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex.
Well, you're 100% right about that. Do you WANT him to fall in love with you?
And that's where this whole, open/poly/mishmosh is striking us wrong. Either it's casual, in which case, why do you care? Or you're hoping to make it a real relationship down the line, in which case...there's nothing good for you here.
You need to decide what you want out of this, and then determine if the current situation contributes to that, or if it's ultimately going to suck a haunch for you down the road.
Personally, I think it's going to suck a haunch, and your returning to assure us via threadsit isn't making those of us with "experience" feel any more comfortable with your choices or your emotional maturity.
Since you're not all that invested in this guy. Break it off and find another person to be casual with, because this will not end well and you don't want to be around when it explodes.
If you're resisting finding another friend for sexytimes, you need to ask yourself WHY you're finding it hard to give up someone if you're so casual.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:58 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are great ways of being open in a relationship and of being in a polyamorous relationship, I don't see any evidence of them here though.
You know and I know that being hurt and angry with an ex, yet continuing to be friends with that person and sleeping with him/her is unhealthy. How can he get over her, if she won't go away?
You, on the other hand, aren't really ready for a relationship, so you've found a pleasant guy with whom you enjoy sex. I'd applaud you if I didn't think that he was using you in some weird way, in some weird dynamic to score points off his ex.
The part where your question goes off the rails is: I think I'm worried that he'd never be able to really fall in love with someone else if he's still carrying some kind of torch for his ex.
Well, you're 100% right about that. Do you WANT him to fall in love with you?
And that's where this whole, open/poly/mishmosh is striking us wrong. Either it's casual, in which case, why do you care? Or you're hoping to make it a real relationship down the line, in which case...there's nothing good for you here.
You need to decide what you want out of this, and then determine if the current situation contributes to that, or if it's ultimately going to suck a haunch for you down the road.
Personally, I think it's going to suck a haunch, and your returning to assure us via threadsit isn't making those of us with "experience" feel any more comfortable with your choices or your emotional maturity.
Since you're not all that invested in this guy. Break it off and find another person to be casual with, because this will not end well and you don't want to be around when it explodes.
If you're resisting finding another friend for sexytimes, you need to ask yourself WHY you're finding it hard to give up someone if you're so casual.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:58 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
When everyone cautions you to run, it isn't about poly or monogamous!
^This many times over.
I've been poly, open, cheating, FWB, banging an ex i'm still in love with, married... All sorts of relationship statuses.
This is a bad idea because it so coated in red flags it looks like a yelp map.
Fish, Sea, It's full of em.
posted by French Fry at 8:53 AM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
^This many times over.
I've been poly, open, cheating, FWB, banging an ex i'm still in love with, married... All sorts of relationship statuses.
This is a bad idea because it so coated in red flags it looks like a yelp map.
Fish, Sea, It's full of em.
posted by French Fry at 8:53 AM on March 1, 2013 [4 favorites]
I asked him if he would ever get back together with her: he said no, because he could never trust her again after her lies/betrayal;
My experience with this sort of statement is that it is almost certainly not true. He is either lying to you or lying to himself, in terms of his willingness to go back to her and is just waiting out the relationship until he can go back with her.
posted by the foreground at 9:13 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
My experience with this sort of statement is that it is almost certainly not true. He is either lying to you or lying to himself, in terms of his willingness to go back to her and is just waiting out the relationship until he can go back with her.
posted by the foreground at 9:13 AM on March 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
It seems like he's willing to conduct an intimate relationship with someone, and at the same time believe really awful things about them.
Either that or he is misleading you about how much he really likes her. It is characteristic of players to pretend to each woman that he's involved with that he dislikes the others. So, what your bf is doing makes him sound like a player. Now maybe he's not that calculating and therefore not really a player. But... whatever his reasons for acting like a player when there's no reason to... they can't be healthy.
posted by tel3path at 9:56 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Either that or he is misleading you about how much he really likes her. It is characteristic of players to pretend to each woman that he's involved with that he dislikes the others. So, what your bf is doing makes him sound like a player. Now maybe he's not that calculating and therefore not really a player. But... whatever his reasons for acting like a player when there's no reason to... they can't be healthy.
posted by tel3path at 9:56 AM on March 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Staying in this situation (because you can't really call it a "relationship") is like living a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book where every page points to your appearing on an upcoming episode of Jerry Springer.
You deserve a man, not some self-respect-less, torch-carrying guy who's leaving your company to have regular sex with his own personal sour grapes.
posted by blueberry at 8:45 PM on March 4, 2013
You deserve a man, not some self-respect-less, torch-carrying guy who's leaving your company to have regular sex with his own personal sour grapes.
posted by blueberry at 8:45 PM on March 4, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Sure. The people your romantic partners have sex with is your business.
Should I attempt to bring this up with him, and if so, how?
I'm of the mindset that if something about a relationship is bothering you, you should bring it up with your partner. Even if it's prefaced with "hey, I may be being weird about this in this crazy head of mine, but there's this thing that's been bothering me.
Are there other potential warning signs I should look for that might indicate he still wants her back?
Sleeping with her is a big warning sign to me. If you think the open relationship should have a "no exes" proviso, then add that one. That may be uncommon to open relationships, but if you think it'd make you happy, maybe suggest it.
Extra bonus question:
Is all of this nonsense an indication that I should give up on open relationships and just ask for exclusivity? I really like dating/kissing other people but so far I haven't really managed to be sexual with more than one person concurrently.
If you think being in an exclusive relationship would make you happier than being in an open relationship, pursue that goal.
posted by craven_morhead at 4:07 PM on February 28, 2013 [2 favorites]