Has anyone had the experience of 'helping a man along' to readiness?
February 15, 2013 5:22 PM Subscribe
Recently I've met several young men who said they're not ready for a relationship. Generally, they would like to date, even "long term," meaning months, or even a year or few, but they state that they don't feel ready for finding a person to settle down with. I am, however, ready for that. My response so far has been to not date people who state this, either on OKC (e.g. "how long would you want your next relationship to last?" "a few months to a year") or in person (e.g. a guy recently asked why I don't date younger and I said it's because they're usually not ready for something serious, he said 'yeah, I'm not'), but I'm wondering if this is a mistake I should not repeat if it comes up again in the future. Please advise me.
My mother and father have been happily married for 30 years. She told me he 'wasn't ready' when they met, in their late 20s, and that she was very persistent in convincing him they would be happy together, and eventually they became married.
Another older acquaintance, a man, told me that many men he knows needed help from their wives to, in his words, "grow up," and that his wife was the one who pushed for commitment, stability, and marriage and they have been together nearly 55 years now (very different generation, yes).
So I do wonder, when meeting a 28-32 y/o guy these days (roughly my age), who says he's not ready to settle down, if it's necessarily a lost cause. Again, my inclination is not to bet on a losing game, but... I don't know? Is my older acquaintances' perception true more often than not? Do men sometimes come around when in a good relationship? How often is sometimes?
Guys, would you weigh in? Did you think you were 'not ready' until your wife came along? Or did you know you were ready, and only then look seriously? What would you advise me if I meet a guy who seems to like me but states that he's not ready to settle down? Thanks everyone!
My mother and father have been happily married for 30 years. She told me he 'wasn't ready' when they met, in their late 20s, and that she was very persistent in convincing him they would be happy together, and eventually they became married.
Another older acquaintance, a man, told me that many men he knows needed help from their wives to, in his words, "grow up," and that his wife was the one who pushed for commitment, stability, and marriage and they have been together nearly 55 years now (very different generation, yes).
So I do wonder, when meeting a 28-32 y/o guy these days (roughly my age), who says he's not ready to settle down, if it's necessarily a lost cause. Again, my inclination is not to bet on a losing game, but... I don't know? Is my older acquaintances' perception true more often than not? Do men sometimes come around when in a good relationship? How often is sometimes?
Guys, would you weigh in? Did you think you were 'not ready' until your wife came along? Or did you know you were ready, and only then look seriously? What would you advise me if I meet a guy who seems to like me but states that he's not ready to settle down? Thanks everyone!
If you have to persuade someone to be with you, train them to be what you need, and hold their hand every step of the way, you are setting yourself to resent that person... Or for them to resent you and leave you for someone else. Do partners in a relationship grow for one another? Totally. Was my own dad kind of a dumbass to a certain extent and did my mom help him grow out of that? Totally. But it was a marriage of equals, not a pseudo-parent-child relationship.
Trust your gut. That kind of dynamic isn't worth it. Wait for the ones that are ready, and take the ones who say that they aren't at their word. They mean it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:30 PM on February 15, 2013 [7 favorites]
Trust your gut. That kind of dynamic isn't worth it. Wait for the ones that are ready, and take the ones who say that they aren't at their word. They mean it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:30 PM on February 15, 2013 [7 favorites]
"my inclination is not to bet on a losing game"
You are right. Congratulations on having such a smart gut :)
posted by thatone at 5:33 PM on February 15, 2013
You are right. Congratulations on having such a smart gut :)
posted by thatone at 5:33 PM on February 15, 2013
...she was very persistent in convincing him they would be happy together, and eventually they became married.
I both fully believe this and am glad this worked for your parents, but on the whole, trying to convince someone to be with you in a particular way -- marriage, in this case -- if they do not is a recipe for disaster. Men can absolutely "come around" (it's more "change their mind" than "come around" as marriage isn't as much a social inevitability as it was in our parents' time) with time, but there's never a guarantee they will. Give a dude as much time as you're comfortable with, but don't bet your happiness on someone else changing their mind.
posted by griphus at 5:33 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
I both fully believe this and am glad this worked for your parents, but on the whole, trying to convince someone to be with you in a particular way -- marriage, in this case -- if they do not is a recipe for disaster. Men can absolutely "come around" (it's more "change their mind" than "come around" as marriage isn't as much a social inevitability as it was in our parents' time) with time, but there's never a guarantee they will. Give a dude as much time as you're comfortable with, but don't bet your happiness on someone else changing their mind.
posted by griphus at 5:33 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
You're doing it right.
posted by OmieWise at 5:37 PM on February 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by OmieWise at 5:37 PM on February 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
I am 35, and "Not ready" to me has always kind of been a euphemism or a way to say that the man (...usually) doesn't feel like the lady (...usually) was someone that they wanted to be in a relationship with. Like snickerdoodle, I've seen many who have said "not ready for a relationship" and then immediately got serious with the next girl they had a date with.
I don't think in most cases you can force (or "encourage") someone to that conclusion. I agree with These Birds of a Feather - just put your time and energy into the ones that are ready.
posted by getawaysticks at 5:38 PM on February 15, 2013 [6 favorites]
I don't think in most cases you can force (or "encourage") someone to that conclusion. I agree with These Birds of a Feather - just put your time and energy into the ones that are ready.
posted by getawaysticks at 5:38 PM on February 15, 2013 [6 favorites]
Your mom was doing this what, 30 years ago? Different times and generation back then. A man was expected to settle down young and being a long time bachelor was not so cool. I'm sure the times also pressured him to settle down. That is not so much happening with our generation. I wouldn't put in the time on a guy who hasn't hit the "I'm ready to marry the next girl" stage on his own yet.
I second the "you're doing it right." Weed them out sooner rather than later, don't try to fix them up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:39 PM on February 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
I second the "you're doing it right." Weed them out sooner rather than later, don't try to fix them up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:39 PM on February 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
That sounds terrible. Do you want to do that? I've never known anyone who's done that, and you only seem to know one person---admittedly, it's your mum, not some random person, but even so.
Cajoling someone to get married just sounds horrible to me. I would never.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:43 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
Cajoling someone to get married just sounds horrible to me. I would never.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:43 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
48, lady, married to a man for going on 13 years, just so you know where I'm coming from.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:44 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:44 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Agreeing with everyone else. I've been dating a lot the last two years, and met mostly guys in the age range you mentioned who ARE interested in commitment, so they're definitely out there. No need to spend time on someone who doesn't want the same things you do. If you're able to find out right away that someone doesn't want to settle down (e.g., they say so in their online dating profile), I personally would say it's smart not to go out with them at all and run the risk you really like them and later find yourself painfully trying to convince them to change...
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:48 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 5:48 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone else. I just wanted to add that if a guy asks you out and you know he isn't "ready to settle down," I would decline and give him the reason. If he's really digs you, he will change his tune. If not, you made the right call in declining in the first place.
(As an aside, my husband wasn't ready when we started dating. But we also dated for the better part of a decade before we got married. If you have a particular time frame in mind, I would not advise you to go that route).
posted by murfed13 at 5:53 PM on February 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
(As an aside, my husband wasn't ready when we started dating. But we also dated for the better part of a decade before we got married. If you have a particular time frame in mind, I would not advise you to go that route).
posted by murfed13 at 5:53 PM on February 15, 2013 [4 favorites]
My boyfriend repeatedly told me he was not ready when I asked for more commitment, and assured me that he didn't want to get married any time soon over the course of seven years. The relationship, however, was fantastic and I stuck with him despite my anxieties. One day - following yet another painful discussion about marriage that I initiated - he just said, "let's so it". We were married last year (ages 28 and 30) but to be honest we've both been much happier, calmer and more appreciative of each other since the day the decision to do it was made.
So yes, it can work, as long as everyone is upfront about their intentions - he never said that he didn't want to marry me, just that he wasn't ready to do it yet (and we started dating when he was 23 so that wasn't an unreasonable sentiment).
posted by halogen at 6:03 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
So yes, it can work, as long as everyone is upfront about their intentions - he never said that he didn't want to marry me, just that he wasn't ready to do it yet (and we started dating when he was 23 so that wasn't an unreasonable sentiment).
posted by halogen at 6:03 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do confirmed bachelors sometimes give up their freedom for the right woman? Sure they do! People do lots of crazy and uncharacteristic things. Cheaters become loyal. Alcoholics give up liquor. Vegan chefs develop a sudden affinity for steak (hey, she was pregnant, she had cravings, what can you say). If people never changed or evolved their minds or characters, oh what a boring world we would live in. Worse, there would be basically nothing to make movies about!
But - secretly planning and COUNTING on a person to change? Actively cajoling them and pleading with them to do so, with your personal future and happiness contingent upon it? ON PURPOSE AND VOLUNTARILY? When they said up front that they didn't want to? Why oh why would you do that to yourself? That guy better be the freaking cream of potato soup to be worth that much potential heartache. No no no no. There's enough pain and suffering to go around without blithely walking straight into it with eyes wide open. The guys who "change" are the exception, not the rule, and often the process of that "changing" is long and messy and bitter and complicated... Not something you want to choose for yourself on purpose.
posted by celtalitha at 6:11 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
But - secretly planning and COUNTING on a person to change? Actively cajoling them and pleading with them to do so, with your personal future and happiness contingent upon it? ON PURPOSE AND VOLUNTARILY? When they said up front that they didn't want to? Why oh why would you do that to yourself? That guy better be the freaking cream of potato soup to be worth that much potential heartache. No no no no. There's enough pain and suffering to go around without blithely walking straight into it with eyes wide open. The guys who "change" are the exception, not the rule, and often the process of that "changing" is long and messy and bitter and complicated... Not something you want to choose for yourself on purpose.
posted by celtalitha at 6:11 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are possibilities and then there are odds. The possibility is there. The odds are not good.
posted by ead at 6:14 PM on February 15, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by ead at 6:14 PM on February 15, 2013 [18 favorites]
... Unless of course, the thought of being the girl in this question earlier today sounds appealing to you. *shudder*
posted by celtalitha at 6:15 PM on February 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by celtalitha at 6:15 PM on February 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've read your question a couple times now and I can't figure out what mistake you think you're making. If you're turning down dates with people whose goals for relationships don't match yours, that's dating success - weeding out the incompatible.
Don't settle just to get a date, and don't think you have to convince someone to want you back. That's a long miserable road and there's no reason to go down it.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:15 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't settle just to get a date, and don't think you have to convince someone to want you back. That's a long miserable road and there's no reason to go down it.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:15 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've posted before about my experience sticking with someone who wasn't sure (http://ask.metafilter.com/224714/How-to-stay-when-it-hurts-like-Im-already-gone#3250730 , if you're curious).
An important part of that story was that I was *not* doing the whole crazy ultimatums thing that I hear about from my parents'/grandparents' generation. Another important part: it took a long time and was painful, though worth it in the end.
I really wouldn't recommend setting out to persuade someone -- in my case it was that I fell hard for a friend of mine who reciprocated the romantic feelings but turned out to have some past things to work through. And in that case he wasn't phrasing it as "I'm against commitment" exactly. I really wouldn't advise going looking for someone that you will then have to persuade into the kind of relationship you want.
posted by shattersock at 6:18 PM on February 15, 2013
An important part of that story was that I was *not* doing the whole crazy ultimatums thing that I hear about from my parents'/grandparents' generation. Another important part: it took a long time and was painful, though worth it in the end.
I really wouldn't recommend setting out to persuade someone -- in my case it was that I fell hard for a friend of mine who reciprocated the romantic feelings but turned out to have some past things to work through. And in that case he wasn't phrasing it as "I'm against commitment" exactly. I really wouldn't advise going looking for someone that you will then have to persuade into the kind of relationship you want.
posted by shattersock at 6:18 PM on February 15, 2013
I'd agree with what most people are saying: trust your gut. But also leave room for exceptions. If there's someone who really strikes your interest, be honest about what you want, but try taking it slow and see where it leads. Just because you're not now in the same place, doesn't mean you can't meet in the middle. I'd see it more as, "Someone exceptional worth slowing down for" rather than "helping him along."
But yeah, in general, I'd keep doin' what you're doin'.
posted by hannahelastic at 6:19 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
But yeah, in general, I'd keep doin' what you're doin'.
posted by hannahelastic at 6:19 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
One man's perspective...
Absolutely it's possible. Do not worry about 'rules" that you must follow. If you meet a man that offers potential, it is entirely possible that his desire to settle down with you could be ignited and facilitated by the woman that you are and the positive realization you bring about within him. Some men don't often openly admit that in fact, it was the particular woman they met that caused them to reevaluate their current lifestyle, and change (settle down) through her encouragement. Evaluate the potential with each you meet, but don't lose out on a potential opportunity simply for a rule.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:37 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
Absolutely it's possible. Do not worry about 'rules" that you must follow. If you meet a man that offers potential, it is entirely possible that his desire to settle down with you could be ignited and facilitated by the woman that you are and the positive realization you bring about within him. Some men don't often openly admit that in fact, it was the particular woman they met that caused them to reevaluate their current lifestyle, and change (settle down) through her encouragement. Evaluate the potential with each you meet, but don't lose out on a potential opportunity simply for a rule.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:37 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't disagree with the consensus that going into a relationship with the intent to coax, cajole or pressure a partner into 'settling down' is a bad idea, but I am skeptical that 'readiness to settle down' is all that useful a thing to ask about. Guys aren't baking in some sort of oven until they hit a certain temperature and are suddenly "ready." You're asking a simplistic, binary question about a complex set of ideas and feelings., and the binary answers you inevitably get don't tell you much. "I'm not ready" could mean 'I love my footloose, unattached life and want it to go on forever,' or it could mean 'Whoa, I just met you. How should I know where this could go?"
Guys, would you weigh in? Did you think you were 'not ready' until your wife came along?
When I met my wife, I knew I wanted an intimate relationship. I didn't have a plan or a vision of that as-yet hypothetical relartionship's trajectory. I wanted to be close to someone, and to see where that would go.
posted by jon1270 at 6:43 PM on February 15, 2013 [14 favorites]
Guys, would you weigh in? Did you think you were 'not ready' until your wife came along?
When I met my wife, I knew I wanted an intimate relationship. I didn't have a plan or a vision of that as-yet hypothetical relartionship's trajectory. I wanted to be close to someone, and to see where that would go.
posted by jon1270 at 6:43 PM on February 15, 2013 [14 favorites]
I'd say you're totally doing it right, and echo that persuading someone who's not looking for something serious is generally a losing proposition. I just have a possible caveat. Even guys who are ready for long-term committed relationships might consider it a red flag if a woman puts "I'm looking for something serious" in her profile or states it outright on the first date - not because they're not also looking for something serious, but because to them it might be a signal that she's feeling anxious about not being married and is ready to rush into marriage in like, a matter of months. I don't intend that in a politically incorrect way at all; it's simply hard to deny that for some women around the age of 30+, the cultural pressure to get married might be intense in a way that it isn't for guys, and from the perspective of men who at least want to start things out relaxed, it could be frightening for someone to bring that up really early on.
posted by naju at 6:45 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by naju at 6:45 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
What would you advise me if I meet a guy who seems to like me but states that he's not ready to settle down?
For some men, not settling down is more about avoiding a conventional lifestyle than with not committing to one person. A man like that could be persuaded if the sales pitch was about how together, you could save money and travel the world, or he could try starting his own business, or you could both work in a foreign country for a few years, or he could work on his novel, open a bar, or any number of other vaguely bohemian life experiences. This is becoming a cultural norm, but most men have no idea how to even begin living up to it, so if you position yourself as an open-minded, adventurous, unconventional woman, it might create the perception that you could support a man in this goal and maybe help him figure it out.
For other men, settling down might be about monogamy, and that's a totally different attitude. There are many underlying reasons for why a man might not want to "settle down." Some men are lost causes, other are not.
posted by AlsoMike at 7:13 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
For some men, not settling down is more about avoiding a conventional lifestyle than with not committing to one person. A man like that could be persuaded if the sales pitch was about how together, you could save money and travel the world, or he could try starting his own business, or you could both work in a foreign country for a few years, or he could work on his novel, open a bar, or any number of other vaguely bohemian life experiences. This is becoming a cultural norm, but most men have no idea how to even begin living up to it, so if you position yourself as an open-minded, adventurous, unconventional woman, it might create the perception that you could support a man in this goal and maybe help him figure it out.
For other men, settling down might be about monogamy, and that's a totally different attitude. There are many underlying reasons for why a man might not want to "settle down." Some men are lost causes, other are not.
posted by AlsoMike at 7:13 PM on February 15, 2013 [2 favorites]
i agree with kruger5 actually, but i also think that situation he describes is rare and far between; it would be great if that was common.
trust your gut.
probably 9 out or 10 times you can't help him along for lots of reasons that have not much to do with you. he's just not that into you (doesn't see you as having long term potential), he's just not that mature and doesn't see a reason to change, or he lacks life skills and essential experiences that would otherwise make him want the thing you're looking for etc.
basically when you meet someone worth settling down with, they won't need to be sold or convinced or wheedled or begged. they'll want to settle down probably around the same general time that you do, and then you two will probably be excited that you are getting the chance to cover new ground in intimacy together. being excited + working together is way more fun than pressuring someone or trying to sell them something or surrogate parent them...please try to skip that unpleasantness.
just go on dates whenever you want, and be open, be kind, be gracious...but trust your gut. it will not let you down, unless you ignore it.
posted by zdravo at 8:04 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
trust your gut.
probably 9 out or 10 times you can't help him along for lots of reasons that have not much to do with you. he's just not that into you (doesn't see you as having long term potential), he's just not that mature and doesn't see a reason to change, or he lacks life skills and essential experiences that would otherwise make him want the thing you're looking for etc.
basically when you meet someone worth settling down with, they won't need to be sold or convinced or wheedled or begged. they'll want to settle down probably around the same general time that you do, and then you two will probably be excited that you are getting the chance to cover new ground in intimacy together. being excited + working together is way more fun than pressuring someone or trying to sell them something or surrogate parent them...please try to skip that unpleasantness.
just go on dates whenever you want, and be open, be kind, be gracious...but trust your gut. it will not let you down, unless you ignore it.
posted by zdravo at 8:04 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
My sister dates this guy over and over. She invests years and nurtures him into great boyfriend material. Then he breaks up with her and marries the next woman he dates.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:11 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 8:11 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
What people remember in retrospect about "needing help" is probably not accurate self-reporting. Some proportion of those guys fucked up pretty badly, the woman left or threatened to leave, and then the guy figured out that it was time to double down and managed to repair it and get them back. For every couple that can tell that story I suspect there are ten or twenty where that breakup was actually permanent and represented a waste of time for the person who was actually ready there and then. You're not hearing the story about what happened to the relationship before that relationship.
That's not a dynamic I'd want to count on, let alone aspire to, and not something really worth your time. Find someone at your level of readiness now. A lot of relationship advice is bad. You're right not to listen to that crap.
posted by Miko at 8:42 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
That's not a dynamic I'd want to count on, let alone aspire to, and not something really worth your time. Find someone at your level of readiness now. A lot of relationship advice is bad. You're right not to listen to that crap.
posted by Miko at 8:42 PM on February 15, 2013 [5 favorites]
I definitely agree with the above posters on listening to men when they tell you what they want. However, (take this with a grain of salt, since this is not something I have experience with) you might not want to rule out 100% of the men on online dating that only want a relationship of months-years - they might just be answering the questions realistically (ie they would break up within the month-year window if you weren't right for each other) rather than idealistically (ie if they met the right woman).
posted by fermezporte at 9:00 PM on February 15, 2013
posted by fermezporte at 9:00 PM on February 15, 2013
Believe people when they tell you what they want.
posted by bananafish at 11:04 PM on February 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by bananafish at 11:04 PM on February 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
Consider how long you're prepared to wait for a person to decide that they now, finally, want to get married to you. It could be quite a long time, time that could be spent actually settled down with someone who wanted to settle down with you. Someone who wants to settle down with you right now is a known quantity. Someone who doesn't want to settle down but may possibly do so at some undefined point in the future is a very unknown quantity - they may not ever want to settle down and even if they do, it might not be with you.
Don't spend your time trying to change someone into who you want them to be. It rarely works. What happens in other relationships is somewhat irrelevant. There's a lot of variation out there, and the fact that Alice and Bob finally settled down doesn't really have much bearing on Sue and Tom's relationship.
It's OK to want to be settled down. It's OK to want to be settled down with a specific person. It's even "OK" to spend time hassling someone into a relationship with you. The first two concepts revolve around you and what you want. The latter also includes someone else, which adds a great deal of complexity to the situation. You have a great deal more control over yourself than you do over another person. It's far easier to enter the equation with someone who actually wants the same thing you do.
Look at it another way - someone says they're not ready to settle down and you completely disregard that. You hassle them into doing something they don't want to do, just to make you happy. that sounds a lot like coercion to me.
posted by Solomon at 11:48 PM on February 15, 2013
Don't spend your time trying to change someone into who you want them to be. It rarely works. What happens in other relationships is somewhat irrelevant. There's a lot of variation out there, and the fact that Alice and Bob finally settled down doesn't really have much bearing on Sue and Tom's relationship.
It's OK to want to be settled down. It's OK to want to be settled down with a specific person. It's even "OK" to spend time hassling someone into a relationship with you. The first two concepts revolve around you and what you want. The latter also includes someone else, which adds a great deal of complexity to the situation. You have a great deal more control over yourself than you do over another person. It's far easier to enter the equation with someone who actually wants the same thing you do.
Look at it another way - someone says they're not ready to settle down and you completely disregard that. You hassle them into doing something they don't want to do, just to make you happy. that sounds a lot like coercion to me.
posted by Solomon at 11:48 PM on February 15, 2013
I got married at 30. I had previously dated a woman for about 10 years without getting married. I met the woman I married about a year after my final breakup. I was never asked outright if I was ready or how long I thought a relationship should last before permanence, but my actions implied I wasn't ready for marriage and if asked I probably would have said something vague along the lines of hadn't really planned on it, but if I met the right person I am not opposed to getting married.
I happen to think that it is less of a predetermined mindset and more of meeting the right person and knowing it.
I would actually date some of these guys if I were you with a short bailout time frame. I think you would both know if you have a long term future within months. You could easily date someone who claims to be settle down ready and you two get along, but are not made to be married.
If forced to choose between two men, one who stated he was no looking for a permanent stable relationship (marriage) and one who indicated a readiness, I would go with ready boy, but you never know.
At 29, when I met my wife, I may not have consciously thought it through, but I was tired of going out 5 days a week with either my buddies or my gf and drinking 7 beers and generally burning the candle at both ends. It took meeting the right woman to realize I enjoyed staying in and communicating and building a life intertwined and together.
While I consider myself a numbers person or I like to analyze risk reward, I am pretty sure you can not hard code an algorithm with criteria to find the right person.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:58 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I happen to think that it is less of a predetermined mindset and more of meeting the right person and knowing it.
I would actually date some of these guys if I were you with a short bailout time frame. I think you would both know if you have a long term future within months. You could easily date someone who claims to be settle down ready and you two get along, but are not made to be married.
If forced to choose between two men, one who stated he was no looking for a permanent stable relationship (marriage) and one who indicated a readiness, I would go with ready boy, but you never know.
At 29, when I met my wife, I may not have consciously thought it through, but I was tired of going out 5 days a week with either my buddies or my gf and drinking 7 beers and generally burning the candle at both ends. It took meeting the right woman to realize I enjoyed staying in and communicating and building a life intertwined and together.
While I consider myself a numbers person or I like to analyze risk reward, I am pretty sure you can not hard code an algorithm with criteria to find the right person.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:58 PM on February 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've known guys who break up with one woman telling her they don't want to be tied and need to be free to travel the world and live an unconventional life only to marry the next woman and settle into a life of conventional middle class domesticity.
I don't think those men were helped along (or if they were it was too subtle for me to see) and I wouldn't encourage a dating strategy based on trying to help them. Which woman will you be? The penultimate girlfriend or the wife?
posted by Area Man at 2:18 AM on February 16, 2013
I don't think those men were helped along (or if they were it was too subtle for me to see) and I wouldn't encourage a dating strategy based on trying to help them. Which woman will you be? The penultimate girlfriend or the wife?
posted by Area Man at 2:18 AM on February 16, 2013
For me, 'not ready' meant that I didn't have the resources to start a family or I was too busy to do it, with very little to do with the particular person I was seeing.
posted by empath at 3:38 AM on February 16, 2013
posted by empath at 3:38 AM on February 16, 2013
I just wanted to pop back in to say that age really does matter here. I think if you meet a guy who is saying this, especially in the 28+ range, you really need to listen. A bit of a different story than dating guys in their early to mid twenties.
posted by murfed13 at 6:16 AM on February 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by murfed13 at 6:16 AM on February 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
But you don't even know if you want to be in a long-term relationship with these guys.put yourself in their shoes: someone tries to convince you that you need to settle down and get married, then he gets to know you better and dumps you.
Neither my husband nor I were looking for a long-term relationship when we met. In fact, had either of us said from the start that we were looking to settle down, the other one would have said: I don't want to waste your time. But the more we got to know to each other, the harder we fell.
posted by Neekee at 6:49 AM on February 16, 2013
Neither my husband nor I were looking for a long-term relationship when we met. In fact, had either of us said from the start that we were looking to settle down, the other one would have said: I don't want to waste your time. But the more we got to know to each other, the harder we fell.
posted by Neekee at 6:49 AM on February 16, 2013
Well I (female) was not ready to settle down until I met my boyfriend. I have never really been able to date (at least in the initial period) with a finite goal in mind, but I have come to think I am an anomaly. Whenever I have dated someone who said they were looking for someone to settle down with, what happened was a lot of artificial rushing in the emotional and physical development of the relationship, and it didn't work out anyway.
posted by sm1tten at 7:32 AM on February 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by sm1tten at 7:32 AM on February 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Perhaps my biases are showing here - as a man who *always* looked forward to a rock solid long term relationship and settling down, and has absolutely uninterested if not incapable of anything else.
But Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, if you are in your late twenties and beyond, the absolute last thing you want is a partner you have to drag kicking and screaming into maturity - cause maturity in relationships is closely related to maturity in everything else, I've noticed*. You will resent them, they will resent you, and sometimes it just won't even work.
I can tell you OP, we had a child about 18 months ago, and she was not an "easy" baby. If my poor partner had had to grapple with a load of infantalised bullshit from me, it would have been too much. If I hadn't been 100% committed to this relationship, our family, and life together, it would have been too much. It's not like that for every baby, I'm sure (and I hope to god it won't be like that for our second) - but it's like that for a lot.
When the chips are down, you're getting months of 4 hours' sleep a night, you got job pressures, mortgage pressures, and god knows what else, you need a Gibraltar. A Gibraltar, I tell you - whether it has a few monkeys on it or not, you need a freaking rock that will withstand sustained assault from all sides. The last thing you need is some piece-of-crap "reclaimed" land from Macau or whatever; compacted river mud apt to wash away in a King Tide.
* This should not be confused with mature people who don't *want* to settle down because they know themselves and their desires. Don't try to change those ones, either, but they are not bad people or anything .
posted by smoke at 2:56 PM on February 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
But Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, if you are in your late twenties and beyond, the absolute last thing you want is a partner you have to drag kicking and screaming into maturity - cause maturity in relationships is closely related to maturity in everything else, I've noticed*. You will resent them, they will resent you, and sometimes it just won't even work.
I can tell you OP, we had a child about 18 months ago, and she was not an "easy" baby. If my poor partner had had to grapple with a load of infantalised bullshit from me, it would have been too much. If I hadn't been 100% committed to this relationship, our family, and life together, it would have been too much. It's not like that for every baby, I'm sure (and I hope to god it won't be like that for our second) - but it's like that for a lot.
When the chips are down, you're getting months of 4 hours' sleep a night, you got job pressures, mortgage pressures, and god knows what else, you need a Gibraltar. A Gibraltar, I tell you - whether it has a few monkeys on it or not, you need a freaking rock that will withstand sustained assault from all sides. The last thing you need is some piece-of-crap "reclaimed" land from Macau or whatever; compacted river mud apt to wash away in a King Tide.
* This should not be confused with mature people who don't *want* to settle down because they know themselves and their desires. Don't try to change those ones, either, but they are not bad people or anything .
posted by smoke at 2:56 PM on February 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Ask for what you want. If you cannot get it from that person, move on. You can't help anyone who doesn't want what you want.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:22 PM on February 17, 2013
posted by Ironmouth at 12:22 PM on February 17, 2013
So I do wonder, when meeting a 28-32 y/o guy these days (roughly my age), who says he's not ready to settle down
This pretty much describes me to a T when I met my wife who after a short period of time was very interested in settling down with me. I was a little to dense to realize it at the time.
Reader, I married her.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:04 AM on February 20, 2013
This pretty much describes me to a T when I met my wife who after a short period of time was very interested in settling down with me. I was a little to dense to realize it at the time.
Reader, I married her.
posted by Deathalicious at 7:04 AM on February 20, 2013
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This is a really wise inclination that will save you from untold amounts of heartache, angst, wasted time, and bullshit. You should trust it.
posted by Blasdelb at 5:26 PM on February 15, 2013 [45 favorites]