Help me be gracious about my art

February 13, 2013 1:57 AM

I have some talent at drawing, but I'm awful at accepting compliments about it, and paranoid about coming off as arrogant (...I could barely type the word 'talent' just then). Help me be less awkward and accept compliments with more dignity!

I feel kind of silly just typing this question. I don't mean to be all, "oh god I'm so talented life is soo harddd". It's just something that bothers me sometimes and I haven't found a good solution yet. I'm fine with accepting compliments normally, and can insert appropriate amounts of warmth/charm/banter as needed - but not when it comes to my art. I feel very fake just saying "thank you" over and over, especially when the general line of these conversations tends to go:

Person A: "You're amazing! I love your art!"
Me: "Thanks! That's so nice of you!"
*Person A and I stare at each other in awkward silence while I wonder if I'm supposed to add something else*

It's not that I don't appreciate their compliments - I know people mean well and I love that (and it's probably so much less of a deal to them, and I'm blowing things out of proportion :P). I think I just don't have a database of inoffensive, canned responses for this, like I do for most other situations.

I'm thinking this question out as I go, so forgive me if it's a bit scattered. Perhaps the best way to help me out on this would be a fill-in-the-blanks game? I find a few types of conversations are quite common and they still stump me even after years. E.g.:

1.
Person A: "Damn, you are so good. I used to draw when I was a kid/I wish I could draw, I suck at drawing."
Me: "Ah nah, it's just practice. Lots and lots of practice, I've been drawing for years :) You should give it a shot!"
Person A: "Nah, seriously, I'd suck at it. It's too hard!"

My response: "Nah, no way, it's just um.. a steep learning curve.. *trails off*"
Better response: _______________

2. [in which everyone is doodling on someone's iPad or something]
Person B: "Haha WTF are you drawing? I bet [cucumber patch] is looking at that like, 'what is that.. that is so bad, I can't even tell what it is!'"

My response: *laughs weakly, tries to think of something nice to say but the moment passes*
Better response: ________________

3.
Person C: "I HAVE to get you to draw something for me/We should really get you to do X event posters/[cucumber patch] can do it, she's awesome!"

My response: *completely put on the spot, and feeling pressured to say yes even without having made a decision* "Um, yeah.. sure? I'll think about it?"
Better response: ________________

On preview, this really DOES seem like a silly question, but I get weirdly wiggy about this topic. My fear of coming across as arrogant/dismissive of other people's skills has held me back from volunteering to do things (I always think, "oh, maybe I should let [other girl in our cohort who draws] do that".. I don't even know why). I guess I'm also afraid of being pigeonholed as "that girl who draws", because sometimes it feels like that's all a lot of people know about me. So I guess that's the second part of my question: how do I just.. worry less about this stuff?

posted by cucumber patch to Human Relations (24 answers total)

1. "Everybody is good at something! I bet you have some hidden talent." or "Sometimes it's hard for me too, but I like the payoff. Hey, *changes the subject*"

2. "Nah, clearly it is a *obviously not at all the thing they are trying to draw, like if it's a cat say it's a detailed rendering of the starship enterprise* ::laugh::"

3. "I don't know, it's just my hobby. I just do it for myself. There's so many artists looking for jobs, do you think you could pay a pro? I'm not a professional."

I think that this is a common issue for people with the types of talents that other people think are "cool", like playing a musical instrument or singing or even something like cooking. Hobbies and talents can be really personal and it's totally okay to express that you'd like to keep it to yourself a little bit. It's also okay to be proud of what you can do! It's not arrogance, particularly if you show that you can laugh at yourself. I've grown up alongside friends who are the people who can draw, and they've all had similar problems. My closest of these friends is now a professional animator and illustrator! But she still feels weird when people demand that she draw for them and when people assume she has opinions on someone else's art.

I guess basically, don't let other people be pushy, to yourself or others around you; putting words into your mouth about someone else (or themselves) as in the case of 1 and 2 is a form of pushiness. You can express what you really think, or laugh off what you really think when it's not relevant, without coming off as arrogant or overly proud.
posted by Mizu at 2:10 AM on February 13, 2013

I like the above, mostly, but would ditch the part about the hidden talent. Why assume that their talent is hidden? That seems presumptuous at best. You could ask them what they are good at/what their hobbies are, as a follow up. They probably are good at something else.

Alternative planned response: yes but you should see my tax return/bike riding/handwriting. Vaguely self deprecating humour?
posted by jojobobo at 2:32 AM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think that just saying thank you and moving on in conversation is fine. You don't need to downplay your own ability or the effort you extended on getting good. False modesty is just false. Don't worry about the other person's reactions or feelings--you can't control what they feel.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:44 AM on February 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

I can totally relate to you here. I showed some work during college, and felt hella awkward getting praise. Here is how I shift the dialog.. always start with "Thanks." Then make a true statement about the art that connects you to it.

Examples:
"Thanks. I pass this building every day on my way to work. I love this arch here and the balance of the windows."

"Thanks. I'm really working on shadows right now."

"Thanks. I love using this orange here."


The key is to be gracious and invite them into your process.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 3:31 AM on February 13, 2013 [26 favorites]

"Thank you very much - I really appreciate that you took the time to let me know you appreciate my work."

THEN, something that connects you to the work.
posted by shazzam! at 4:45 AM on February 13, 2013

Just say "thank you", like Nickel Pickel says, and push the conversation away from the compliment and onto something else.

More important than handling it in the moment is becoming comfortable with the idea that your drawing skill is praiseworthy.

Getting past self doubt is a really important part of progressing in skill. And taking those compliments can help overcome self doubt.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:31 AM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

For general compliments: after thanking them for the compliment, talk about the art.

What inspired you to make that particular art piece
What was the biggest challenge in making it
How long it took to make
Ask them what their favorite part is
etc

For your specific situations:

1. Well, maybe it isn't for you but I'm sure there are things you are good at!
2. Don't put words in my mouth. (You can say this playfully if you're with a group of close friends)
3. I don't have the time, sorry.
posted by royalsong at 6:19 AM on February 13, 2013

Let go of worrying that people will feel badly that you are better at something than they are. Remember that they most likely can do some things that would baffle and frustrate you. It's fine to be happy that they are enjoying your work. Have you ever complimented someone who was good at something that seems baffling and difficult to you? How did they respond?

For example 1, give them an out. They may not WANT to put in the time and effort. "Well, if you ever change your mind there's a book/class/etc I can tell you about. Do you have a hobby?"

Generally, shift focus from yourself to your subject or to them after accepting their compliments to put the discussion in an area that makes you more comfortable.
posted by bunderful at 6:24 AM on February 13, 2013

1. "It's just like Jake said once on Adventure Time. 'Dude, sucking is first step to being sorta good at something!'."

2. "We're all just having fun here! It's a good thing we're not doing karaoke...I don't want to make your ears bleed!"

3. "Send me an email and, my schedule permitting, we'll discuss terms."

You don't need to be ashamed at your talent. Some people have it and some people don't.
posted by inturnaround at 6:34 AM on February 13, 2013

1. "That's too bad. What do you like to do?"
2. "That's terrible! Why would I think that about someone else's drawing?"
3. "That's terrific of you to think of me! Let's discuss my fee for your project later!"
posted by xingcat at 6:49 AM on February 13, 2013

You seem genuinely humble, and genuine humility is often very gracious. Usually that's expressed in terms of gratitude. It says so much about the person, and shows so much respect for others, when a successful person says he couldn't have done it without his partner/teacher/secretary/dog/etc. It's the only thing I like about awards shows and events like that.

The fact is that we are not all born with matching amounts of inherent talents, we don't all have the same capacity and habits for work/study/practice, and we do not all have the same access to education, training and nurturing.

You are fortunate that your unique mix of nature/nurture has resulted in you being able to do something you love and enjoy some measure of recognition for it. So when someone voices admiration for what you have created, a gracious reply would be something along the lines of "thank you, I learned that technique from my fourth-grade teacher, a lovely woman" or "I'm so glad you like it, I struggled with that concept for a while" or "thanks, working with charcoal is so much fun, I've got the best job in the world, really."

More than likely, the other person's unique mix of nature/nurture has resulted in them being able to be pretty excellent at something as well, but it may not be a creative endeavor or it might not be something measurable (they're adventurous and engaging personally) or they may not value their talent (my son is brilliant at math to the extent that it's a fallback major for him in college, and he's completely indifferent about it).

That's not to say you should scout around for what their talent is so that you can deflect the compliment. It's just to say you shouldn't feel put on the spot by compliments. If you do get tongue-tied, remember that when someone compliments you, they're expressing their opinion, so accepting their compliment graciously is a way that you can demonstrate respect for them and their point of view.

As for your specific examples:

1.
Person A: "Damn, you are so good. I used to draw when I was a kid/I wish I could draw, I suck at drawing."

I was lucky to have some great teachers. Drawing keeps me sane, what do you do to chill out?

2. Person B: "... I bet [cucumber patch] is looking at that like, 'what is that.. that is so bad, I can't even tell what it is!'"

OMG I would never think that! Anything drawn with passion is beautiful to me!

3.
Person C: "I HAVE to get you to draw something for me/We should really get you to do X event posters/[cucumber patch] can do it, she's awesome!"

We should talk when we both have our calendars, call me Tuesday. I don't know if I can swing the posters but I can't wait for X event!

posted by headnsouth at 6:51 AM on February 13, 2013

If you're female--try to wrap your head around the idea that you're good at something because you worked at it, not because you were lucky, because you got some genetic lottery ticket, or because someone else inspired/taught/trained you. I understand about being gracious, but more than learning snappy remarks or soothing phrases to recite when someone compliments you--I think that owning your talent/ability is key. Being modest about an achievement is fine, and acknowledge to yourself that you did, indeed, achieve something.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:06 AM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't know, wouldn't it feel a bit better to wing it than to have scripted comments in the event that people say A, B or C? Do you honestly feel that you are a better draw-er than them? Because that might be what is tripping you up.

Also, your responses that you do already don't seem terribly awkward. Maybe it's less weird for them than you.

When I was in high school, I was really competitive but also quite shy. When kids made jokes about me being a brainiac or doing well on a test, I'd get quite weird about it, because it actually really was important to me to be perceived as smart, yet I didn't want to reveal to them that it was important to me. I cared about the appearance of modesty while being fairly immodest at the heart of it.
posted by mermily at 8:12 AM on February 13, 2013

I always just say thanks. I then try to stealthily change the subject to something they're good at, if I know about it.

In your specific cases:

1. Say thanks. If they say it's too hard, I always say that I've been drawing since as early as I can remember, and that what they're seeing is the result of decades of practice. And yeah, it is hard at first, I tell them, because it's not like learning an instrument where you can at least learn a few chords and play a song you like and have it be recognizable. It's discouraging. Like anything new, they just need to stick with it. Sometimes this turns into the stick figure demonstration. This is when someone says, "All I can draw is stick figures," and I'll say, "Well, that's the most important bit, you know," and demonstrate how people are made of shapes and the whole thing about drawing being about seeing objects as the shapes they're made of. This makes them go, "ooh," and they feel like they've learned something and the process is a bit demystified for them. It's a win all round.

2. Say this, or something like it, in a good-natured way: "Man, shut up, don't be a dick. I don't think like that."

3. I usually just say, "Well, drop me an email, let me know what you have in mind," and it doesn't come up again. If somebody wants you to do an event poster, or any project that's a bit of a timesink, let them know what the going rate is for something like that. I tend to pick and choose when this sort of thing happens, and I don't take on anything I'd need to charge for when doing it for friends; I have this principle that I never enter into business relationships with anyone whose friendship I would prefer not to lose.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:27 AM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Kind of parallel to your question, but those kind of questions and comments are at their base, kind of annoying and self centered (to the asker). They don't end up having any kind of perspective on the creative act and end up using your art as a means of talking about themselves (even if its self-critical). So...it is awkward, because they are being awkward. I wouldn't spend a great deal of energy trying to figure out how to un-awkward the situation because it's not your fault.
posted by mockpuppet at 9:10 AM on February 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

1. Try turning a picture upside down before copying it, or try drawing without looking down at the page. (The answer is usually, "Oh, really?..ok." and there's not much further to discuss until they've tried the exercises)

2. Hey, I'll sometimes look at a Picasso and wonder what it is.

3. Jeez, I might be able to but I have other responsibilities and can't promise anything.
posted by bonobothegreat at 11:32 AM on February 13, 2013

I'm you.

1: I have a canned response to this. Jokingly, but also true, "That hasn't stopped a lot of artists!"

2: I'd say something vague like, "Haha, naw," or maybe joke depending, "Well, what is it?" If it's identifiable, "No, that's a great dog."

3: Depending on who/what, "Would I be getting paid?" or "Let me know what you need and I'll figure out if I can do it."

Un-numbered compliment: I just say, "Thank you." I might throw in some kind of anecdote about the painting like, "This one is from a yearbook from 1947 that I found."
posted by cmoj at 12:32 PM on February 13, 2013

Basically, for me (not that compliments happen to me that often but...I mean, like once a year...), I just think back to the advice a teacher once gave us years ago re: music performance: The #1 rule of performing is to never apologize before you go on. (You know how at open mics, lots of people are like, "Sorry, this is gonna suck, just bear with me"?) Once the song (writing, whatever) is out, there, it's out there. No more apologizing.

That helps put me in the mindset of whatever I'm making/doing as a product. And, along with that, you are charged with being the bearer of this product! Anything said about that product isn't a reflection of you; once the product is done all comments are reflections of it. You are charged with giving it a favorable presentation!

Hope that makes sense..
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 2:25 PM on February 13, 2013

Say thank you, genuinely and directly; don't plan any strategies for deflection; and especially don't feel obligated to immediately focus on something else you're NOT good at.

One main reason I find this important is that I'm female like you and there's a MASSIVE gender difference in simply, directly accepting compliments. It's shocking how many of my female colleagues (including well-established professionals) will deflect in some way.

It's not your obligation to play down your talent in any way.
posted by kalapierson at 2:39 PM on February 13, 2013

I agree with Nickel Pickle's response- if it's about a specific piece, it's good to say thanks and then say something informative about the subject matter/ material/ whatever that's interesting but totally neutral and not about your specific abilities. ("Yeah, I found my box of watercolors left over from college and thought I'd put them to good use!" "This tree only blooms for one week out of the year, I just had to paint it so I could enjoy it year-round!" etc.)

If it's just some general comment about your artistic prowess ("I'm so jealous, I wish I could draw" etc) I generally tell people some variation on the following (true) statement: "Thanks so much, but it's funny, I'm really bad at music and sports. It's like all my abilities only got allocated to one category." This may not be true for you of course, but somehow it makes me more comfortable to acknowledge that despite being really good at one thing, my overall balance of talent is no different than anyone else. Then I ask whether they are musical, or play sports, or if I know they do I'll mention something about it. "I've seen you play piano, I'd love to have that talent. Too bad we can't trade for a month, how awesome would that be?"

To be fair, I'm probably more insecure and self-deprecating than most. So these may not be the most appropriate of responses, but they are my real-life responses. I want the attention diverted away from me as quickly as possible so I either talk about the subject of the art, or the person I'm talking to, or whatever.

In terms of "You should draw something for ____ sometime!" I generally say, "sure, maybe, feel free to shoot me an email about it." you know how often people follow through on these statements? practically never. and oddly enough, the few people that do follow up actually usually have really cool and interesting ideas that you end up wanting to do! Plus it makes them soooo happy. This girl I worked with back in college once asked me to draw a picture for her. As soon as she started telling me about it I could tell she'd been thinking about it for a while and it made her nervous to ask me. She was a sweet, romantic single girl and she wanted me to draw a picture of her, with a guy, cuddling in front of a fireplace with a Christmas tree. At first I thought it was kinda silly but I could tell how much she wanted it so I said okay. And you know what? She loved it. It's nice to have your work be so loved every now and then!
posted by GastrocNemesis at 4:54 PM on February 13, 2013

Try assuming that people are enjoying giving you compliments and that you accepting it doesn't take anything away from them - it gives something back.

I get flustered over compliments in a happy way, and I show it, and I just tell myself it's charming. And sometimes I ramble a bit about whatever I'm doing that generated the compliment, and I think that's fine too.
posted by bunderful at 9:32 PM on February 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

In my experience, no one has 'talent'. A lot of people have skills born of hard practice and like to call it talent, but it's really just evidence of practice.

If you think you have 'talent', then awkward is probably something you should preserve, since it's like beauty... you are born with it and didn't earn it. I'd be totally self-conscious bragging about my lovely elbows.

OTOH, if you have developed skills, then you can address compliments with how hard it was to acquire them, how a specific piece involved them, where you think you could use some improvement, and encouraging discussions with folks who hope to (and can quite likely) achieve your level of skill. This makes your project talking about how you DO your art and not some veiled discussion of your superior character traits.

Questions are also good. "What do you like a about this piece? Which one is your favorite? Why?"

Questions are the refuge of the awkward moment. Sometimes, declaratives just fail, but questions move the discussion along wherever YOU want it to go. They also make you look smart, thoughtful, open in addition to skilled.
posted by FauxScot at 4:52 AM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am a professional artist. I draw very well and I am pretty comfortable with that- but I really really hate it when people say "wow, you're so great- I can't even draw a stick figure"

It is seriously one of my biggest pet peeves. I teach people to draw as a side gig- and frankly- they COULD draw better if they put any time or effort into it- but they goddamned don't so they can't. Praising my drawing ability is sort of backhanded then- because they are acting like i DIDN'T just spend the last 20 years practicing every single goddamned day for hours.

So don't be all awkward= and just stop calling it "talent." It's a skill that you shouldn't feel bad about considering how you've spent some serious time working on (for fun or activly who cares.)


Are you talking about strangers or friends? cause if it's strangers- I just say thanks and offer an opinion on something in our general vacinity.

Stranger: "oh my gawd you're drawing that person? that's so good! Do you ever design tattoos for people?"
Me: "Thanks a lot. No I don't do tattoos (for strangers). Doesn't that bridge look pretty with the ivy?/ I think that homeless man is going to pee./ Oh look the eggs are hatching!"

You aren't obligated to talk about your work just because you are in public. I would also suggest ear buds and ignoring people if you are alone in public. If you are with friends at a bar? knock it off- drawing while holding conversation is hard and rude.
posted by Blisterlips at 9:05 AM on February 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm a barely-semi-pro musician*. This happens to me quite frequently. I've got a pretty good singing voice, and I can play piano, violin, guitar, in multiple styles, write my own music, etc...naturally this impresses a few people who don't happen to have this same skillset. They often say the same things to me that your friends say to you.

Sometimes I will say, as sincerely as possible, "Thank you! I'm really glad you like it"

Following are additional responses I find usually work well for me in said situations, filling in your blanks as you requested:
1. Person A: "Nah, seriously, I'd suck at it. It's too hard!"
Better response: ...actually, if the person gets to this point they are probably fishing for some encouragement so I usually tell them: "no really, I'm only this good because I've been TOTES OBSESSED with this since I was a little kid and it's what I am doing CONSTANTLY in my free time"

or I tell them this story: "you know I had a friend in college who was totally tone deaf ever since he was a kid. Seriously he could not carry a tune. But he really wanted to, so he worked and worked and read books and looked at stuff on Youtube and then after about a year or so...not only could he carry a tune but he was so good he scored the lead in Guys'n'Dolls!" Then I give them an encouraging pat on the shoulder and offer some kind of support (like, I'd be happy to give you some pointers or recommend a book if you really want to do this!)

2. [in which everyone is doodling on someone's iPad or something]
My response: *laughs weakly, tries to think of something nice to say but the moment passes*
Better response: I have experienced in group settings like with volunteer choirs that people will be all "I can't sing as well as you, you probably think I shouldn't be here" and I always tell them "What! You think that's what great art/music/singing is about? I sure hope not, because I think you're doing great and I really love the way you sing."

Or again, because I love telling stories, I'll tell the story about how the only reason I got a music scholarship in college was because my professor liked my 'heart'. He actually told me "your technique is quite terrible but you have real passion when you play, and that's a good enough start for me"

3.
Person C: "I HAVE to get you to draw something for me/We should really get you to do X event posters/[cucumber patch] can do it, she's awesome!"

My response: *completely put on the spot, and feeling pressured to say yes even without having made a decision* "Um, yeah.. sure? I'll think about it?"
Better response: "That sounds really cool! Ah shit, but I've got a lot going on right now and I wouldn't be able to commit to that project 100%. You should definitely find someone else for that."

Some additional thoughts:
Music, like drawing (or dancing, poetry, advanced maths) is a craft. Talent is a thing people talk about, "talent" as we call it probably maps to some specific cognitive function that you just happen to be in abundance of which merely aids your practice of that particular craft. For example, if you are pretty good at drawing or painting, perhaps you have very well-developed spatial reasoning, which in turn makes it both relatively easy and pleasurable to draw...so you keep drawing...and you keep getting better...and then one day you wake up and you are DAMN AWESOME at doing this thing that most people can't do. Because they haven't put in the time.

*Meaning I actually receive regular (but extremely small) payment for musical works I have done.
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:30 PM on January 21, 2014