Help a single mother work, to make things work.

February 12, 2013 10:55 AM

Hello, I am a divorced single-mother and US Army National Guard veteran. I am currently living in a bad situation and need to move away from it.

Asking for a friend:

Hello,

I am a divorced single-mother and US Army National Guard veteran living in Pennsylvania. I am currently living in a bad situation and need to move away from it.

I have several chronic health issues and am unemployed. I'm working with vocational rehabilitation to find gainful employment, but am stuck in the issue that most single mothers face- I need childcare to work, but I need to be working to afford child care. The child care subsidy doesn't kick in for up to two months once you qualify for it, so that won't solve my problems.

I've applied for work at home jobs through NTI, but I need a land-line to start work for them and I can't afford it. I own a vehicle, but it needs a new muffler to pass state inspection and the inspection ran out at the end of the year.

I'm not sure what I can do to improve my situation- I have a great resume, but I need accommodation due to health to work effectively, I have no money to get things going.

My daughter's father has re-married and lives in Oregon and has not paid child support. If I sue him for it, I won't get anything as he is a student and as I am living with his mother, my daughter and I will end up out on the street.

Cannot get cash assistance until I get child support, but again, that would put me on the street due to the housing situation.

Currently collecting food stamps.

Any advice?

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (20 answers total)

Could grandma or aunt watch your daughter for the first few weeks of your new job? You could offer to pay them back for it over time, if necessary. That would at least allow you to hunt for outside-the-home jobs.

If not grandma/aunt, is there anybody you could find to watch the kids? It really sounds like this is the core problem in finding a "normal" job.
posted by zug at 10:58 AM on February 12, 2013

Some of these things sound like the sort of thing Modest Needs would help with. Have you tried applying there? They offer little bits of money to help people get over these kinds of small hurdles.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:07 AM on February 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you have health issues that require accomodation, see if you are eligible for disability via SSI.

Make an appointment with a Social Worker through the Pennsylvania State Department of Welfare.

They offer an on-line application although it may benefit you to go in and speak with someone in person to see what you might be eligible for.

Off hand, in addition to food assistance, depending on the age of your child, WIC, Welfare, Section 8 and even electric/gas/telephone assistance.

Pennsylvanians pay a ton of taxes, and they support excellent programs like these. Go see what you can get for yourself!

There's emergency assistance that will get you out of your current situation, which I would advocate.

You need a caseworker, someone who's job it is to help folks in need get the assistance they need to get back on their feet.

Don't be too proud to accept the money, if not for you, for your daughter.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:54 AM on February 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

It sounds like you have no support network, which is how most people overcome these challenges. You must feel poweless and defeated. A lot of what you are facing is systemic and not the fault of anything you did, or choices you made. Since asking for the (reasonable and legally required) child support your child deserves would end your housing situation I would say your housing situation is very precarious - anything could make your exMIL kick you out. Is there any reason to stay in Pennsylvania except for your current temporary housing? It sounds like your child is young and not school-aged so she does not have ties to the community.

If I were you I would move to where the (good-paying) jobs are. If Pennsylvania feels like "home" to you, then look at it as a temporary relocation for get your feet under you and return home when your child is in early elementary school. I keep hearing about North Dakota as a place to get work (the crappy, manual labour-based "masculine" jobs pay more but the operations and various companies usually need a large variety of skills sets in supporting roles). I thought Alaska was another place that often has well paying jobs but maybe that has changed. Without information about your specific skills and needed modifications I can't help further but your rehabilitation specialist would probably have ideas about the type of work to look for. Currently you have a non-functioning car; does it make sense to sell it for immediate money you could use to get closer to jobs?

If you have to stay where you are for whatever reason would you be able to start a home daycare in your current living situation? Would it make financial sense to rent an apartment and offer child care, can you get by with that?

Another option I would explore is retraining/education in an employable-while-needing-modified-tasks field at a cheaper school/scholarship, with loans to tide you over till graduation. Yep, loans suck but they would give you a bit of stability, allow you to go after your ex for what he should be paying (I don't know about Oregon or Pennsylvania but being supported by a new wife and being in school is not an excuse for abandoning your child's financial needs) and schools usually have access to child care subsidies for you to attend school and part time work. Good luck. I am sorry you appear to live in a place that does not help people overcome relatively minor obstacles to self sufficiency.
posted by saucysault at 11:57 AM on February 12, 2013

I don't understand why you would not get anything if you sued him for child support. Was there not a child support stipulation in your divorce order? I am assuming that your ex has an obligation to pay child support, and the state of PA has an interest in him paying as well. Can you contact these guys? Give them a call and tell them what is going on.

It is very concerning that you say that you will end up on the street if you go after your ex for child support. I feel like your question is missing a lot of details, I am hoping that you can add a throwaway email address or send an update to the mods. But first, give that state bureau a call and at least hear what they have to say. These guys are not lawyers, no, but they are like steamrollers. And, just so you know, I know someone in a very similar situation who ended up with pro-bono legal representation and was able to get some similar issues with child support and her ex straightened out. Please have your friend memail me if you want. I'm a single mom, too.

On preview, yes, you need a caseworker.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 12:02 PM on February 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

So, do you have to prove that you are receiving child support in order to receive cash assistance, or do you just have to show them proof that there is a court order in place for child support? Do you have a copy of your divorce order?
posted by lakersfan1222 at 12:08 PM on February 12, 2013

I don't understand why you would not get anything if you sued him for child support.

Because she's living with his mother; sounds like she will throw the two of them out if child support is pursued via the courts.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:10 PM on February 12, 2013

It is very concerning that you say that you will end up on the street if you go after your ex for child support. I feel like your question is missing a lot of details, I am hoping that you can add a throwaway email address or send an update to the mods.

Not my question, but I think the implication in the question is that because she lives with her ex-husband's mother, if she sues him for child support, his mother will ask her to leave.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:11 PM on February 12, 2013

Another way to deal with the lack of a support network might be to get out of your ex's mom's house and start building a support network right where you are. Churches often offer child care during services and also many churches are dead serious about helping people who are facing financial challenges. I know transportation is an issue though.

Choosing to accept a free place to live with his mom instead of public cash assistance is not necessarily financially unreasonable.
posted by steinwald at 12:12 PM on February 12, 2013

This sounds rather like blackmail on your mother-in-law's part - hit my son up for child support and I'll put you on the street. Child support is in place to pay for your child - food, clothing, etc. Your ex-husband helped to create that child, his is morally and legally responsible to help support it financially until it is 18 years old. So what if he's a student? He's remarried and supporting a new wife; if he is unable to pay court-ordered child support then eventually his driver's license will be revoked and he may ultimately go to jail. That's not being mean or vindictive on your part, it is simply requiring him to live up to the responsibilities he signed on for when he co-created that child.

Apply for anything and everything that you can right now - for example, the child care subsidy. Two months will go by faster than you think. See if your health concerns make you eligible for SSI, etc, etc.
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:10 PM on February 12, 2013

Memail me. I have access to a lot of resources specifically for veterans, including contact with people in PA.
posted by corb at 1:23 PM on February 12, 2013

Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.

I have no one to watch my daughter. I have no family myself, and ex-mother-in-law (whom I and my daughter reside with) works full-time, cannot watch her except after 6 at night. And is not very willing to. Thank you, Zug.

I will check out Modest Needs, thank you Jacquilynne.

I applied for SSDI, was denied and am building a case to appeal. Food Stamps is welfare, we have that but can't get cash assistance without suing my ex for child support. He has no cash income, so I can't get a portion of nothing if I sue him for child support. If I do sue him, his mother (whom we live with) will throw us out. Thank you, Ruthless Bunny.

I would move away from PA, but that requires money. That I don't have. The truck is an old 1996 nissan pathfinder, I'd be lucky to get a grand for it in it's current condition. In home childcare requires a bathroom to be on the first floor and this house is split-level. It also is not up to building code and would require money that I and my ex mother in law don't have to get it there. Also, I don't know that she would allow me to do it. Thank you for your kindess though. SaucySault.

There was no custody/child support portion in our divorce decree as he did a mail-order divorce. I agreed not to contest it if he gave me custody of her, so he did. He also agreed to pay my car insurance in lieu of child support and as I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter when he left, I was in emotional chaos and just agreed. Now that I've applied for cash assistance since losing my job, I realize that his paying my car insurance doesn't count (I assume his wife is footing that bill now that he doesn't work at all) I will end up on the street because I live with my ex husband's mother as I have no one else to stay with. And yes, in order to get cash assistance I have to prove my ex is paying child support. The divorce order doesn't matter. I can get a copy of the divorce decree but it costs $20 and I have no money.
Thank you, Lakersfan1222

posted by cortex (staff) at 1:33 PM on February 12, 2013

I asked a contact at work who deals with military hiring and they suggested contacting the Wounded Warriors Project.
posted by bitterpants at 2:43 PM on February 12, 2013

You are putting up a lot of barriers, which is normal, but is keeping you stuck. Have you sat down with your MIL and explained you can't access the cash assistance unless you file for child support? It looks like he would have to pay $50 a month according to the guidelines. Has she said she will be throwing her granddaughter out because her son may have to skip one restaurant meal a month? If she has, then I reiterate that you need to leave ASAP because someone that irrational will throw you out without a moment's notice for hanging the towels wrong. If you haven't had that conversation with her then you need to establish if she really would throw you out or if you are making assumptions. She doesn't sound supportive anyway so you need to change your living situation regardless. Being threatened with homelessness is abusive and scary but if it happens it may allow you to access some emergency services.

Sell the truck. Yes, it is only a thousand but you don't have the luxury of hanging on to a giant decorative paperweight when that money could be used to buy a couple of bus tickets to a job elsewhere or get you into a stable housing situation. (I don't know if it is done in the united states but in my country people often move to where govt support is more generous and easier to get/cost of living is lower; look at how to access any state support if you move and the jobs are slow in coming). If you can't afford $20 for necessary paperwork to access benefits then you can't afford to keep a truck you can't drive (and the change in not needing car insurance justifies getting cash from the ex as well). You can buy another vehicle when you are back on your feet.

It sounds like you feel stuck and are overwhelmed and can't find a way out. That is where a caseworker can really help you prioritise the things you can control and help you take next steps. You CAN do this. It will get better
posted by saucysault at 3:21 PM on February 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

Ok, you are between a rock and a hard place so it's time to start getting REAL creative. You need to find some ways to make some money, where you can take your daughter to work with you.

The first thing that pops to mind is becoming a nanny. Put out an ad. Explain your situation, offer a discounted rate on the condition that you can bring your daughter with you. You really want to play on the fact that you are a good trustworthy person (AND A VET drop this into conversation whenever possible) who has been placed in a horrendous position and is eager to work, but doesn't have child care.

In the same vein, babysitting. Or working at a small home run childcare place. You'll have to be very proactive and sell yourself. Craft your elevator pitch/1 paragraph life story about why you are in the position your are in and that you need a job where you can bring your child with you. You realize this is an unusual request and because of this you are willing to take a 10-20% pay cut. Blanket the town with emails, put an ad on craigslist, tell everyone you know what you are looking for. A lot of people struggle to pay for childcare and do things like nanny shares to cut the costs. If you adequately convey that you are honest and trustworthy and give them lots of background about yourself, a lot of people will probably be willing to sign on to a slightly unusual situation for the savings.

I think the biggest thing is you need to craft how you are going to tell your story and then roleplay with friends. You need to come across as someone that's been dealt a raw deal, but is a fighter, a hard worker, honest, and not a victim. You're a single mom and a vet who was left by her husband while she was pregnant with no support system whatsoever other than an ex-mil that is a good for a roof over your head, but not much else. That's a compelling story.

Also, once you get on your feet and out of your ex-MIL's house (and you will, this is the hardest it will ever be) you need to sue the shit out of your ex-husband. I don't care if he has no money (and you really don't know whether he has money or not), there are many ways to get real creative about collecting child support. You deserve it and your daughter deserves it. Oh and when you do make sure to tell your lawyer how him and his mother threatened to make you and your infant daughter homeless if you tried to get the child support you are legally entitled to.

Also, one other thing now that I'm at it. Religious even a little? Take this with a grain of salt because I'm an atheist, but if you're religious you should be joining some great big community oriented church. They really are the perfect place to network and build a community of people that can help you out with things like childcare and getting you back on your feet. Again you have a compelling story, if people get to know you and understand your situation, they are likely to want to help you if they can.
posted by whoaali at 4:58 PM on February 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

Where in PA do you live? If you are able to somehow commute to NY, look into tactical nannies. I read about this a few days ago- former female service members looking for work as nannies can be paid as much as $1500/week.
posted by lovelygirl at 6:14 PM on February 12, 2013

You sound completely boxed-in and overwhelmed! Yet you demonstrate creativity - if not desperation - by going to Metafilter for input. I hope some of our suggestions are actually helpful.

Can you contact local Community Legal Services for advice on your specific circumstance? There may be options or assistance you are not aware of. Pennsylvania is currently a fairly unwelcoming state for people who need temporary government assistance (I live in Pennsylvania), since Governor Corbett actually did away with cash assistance last year. Are you sure cash assistance is actually an option? Even more than a lawyer, you need a social worker who is familiar with programs in your particular location - and a lawyer might be able to access a social worker. Medicaid, child care, access to mental health or medical care, job training, transportation subsidies may all be within your reach with the right advice and assistance. There are all sorts of programs civilians are not aware of, but good social workers are worth far more than their weight in gold.

It seems a cruel catch-22 you reached with your ex-husband, but your daughter should not suffer. A good attorney familiar with these issues might be able to revisit the agreement you made with him with more favorable terms, especially as it appears his financial circumstances are more secure than yours. An attorney might be able to help you access Section 8 subsidized housing, and subsidized day care, so you are not so terribly dependent on your ex-husband's mother.

I think each county has to have low-cost or free legal assistance by law. Anyone of a lawyerly bent who can assist this poster? It might help if you identified your county.
posted by citygirl at 9:17 PM on February 12, 2013

Response by poster: I caution against getting rid of the car. If you're not in an area that has excellent public transit (i.e. not in Philly or Pittsburgh) dumping the car could seriously hurt what job prospects you could find.

Have you looked into online job companies like Tutor.com? If you search Metafilter you should find more recommendations for companies to apply to. You won't get tons and tons of cash, but if you're in the situation where you don't have an extra $20, the extra $500-$600 could do you real good.

Definitely see if you can meet with a caseworker to help you out.

Can you apply for housing assistance? I know the waiting list is long as hell in PA, but you may as well go for it.


You are putting up a lot of barriers, which is normal, but is keeping you stuck.

I do not think the OP is choosing any of the barriers she's facing, so "putting up" is a rather uncharitable characterization of the situation.
posted by Anonymous at 10:47 PM on February 12, 2013

Mod note: This is another followup from the asker.

Here is her response to the questions and answers so far, with additional info that was asked for by the hivemind:

@Steinwald- I have nowhere else to go. No one to stay with. My next option is a homeless shelter. I have not been attending my church consistently enough to be eligible for resources there yet (some weekends I can't go due to my health issues) and regarding cash assistance, I would have to sue for child support first, so that's not going to help me right now.


@Oriole Adams-

Yes, it is blackmail. But I literally have no one else I can stay with in the mean time. Otherwise we would not be here. I've been exploring Veteran's assistance but I was not active duty long enough to qualify for VA assistance. I am working on proving my military acquired injuries so I can qualify for VA assistance. I can apply for the childcare subsidy, but unless I am working I am not eligible, and I have no money to pay anyone to watch my daughter in the mean time. I am currently begging friends to help me out, so we'll see where that goes. I'm still applying for jobs daily in the mean time. I also have emails and voicemails out to the YWCA /YMCA to see if maybe they can help me somehow. I applied for SSI and was denied, but am building a case with which to appeal.


@bitterpants-

just got off the phone with Wounded Warriors Project. Thanks for the info, they're going to route me some good resources!


@saucysault-

Yes, I have tried talking to her. She becomes irate and threatens to sue me for custody of my daughter. She doesn't care. She is irrationally guarding her son because she things I am going to somehow harm him or take his visitation away. He never sees her anyway. I can't leave as I honestly, completely have nowhere to go but a homeless shelter. I am sourcing options with the VA and other housing programs in the interim, but I have to complete the process of becoming eligible for VA assistance first, and I am working on that. If it meant street or staying with someone, if I could get to baltimore I have someplace I could stay for maybe a week, maybe a night or two with another friend. But nowhere stable. I have worked with an institutional housing program that I am currently not eligible for, but if I get thrown out I would be, so it's a backup plan.


It would be silly to sell my truck when repairing it and getting it inspected would cost $300. It's also a backup shelter should I need it. I won't be selling my truck. Thanks for the suggestion though. My ex husband pays the insurance on it in lieu of child support. Thanks for your confidence, I know we can get out of this situation, I'm making phone calls and emails daily. Something will pan out, and once I prove my military-acquired injury and qualify for VA assistance, more doors will open for me.


@whoaali-

Your suggestions are really inspiring. I will totally get on the ball researching and writing out my 1 paragraph life story. Also, I am not religious but am spiritual and belong to a large community church. I will call them anyway, but last I heard one has to attend there for 6 months consecutively to qualify for assistance. I sort of have, but have chronic health issues and don't go sometimes when it's bad. Maybe it can work anyway. :)


@citygirl- I live in York, and I believe there is a pro-bono legal company near me. I will give them a call and see what I can do. Lawyering up isn't a bad idea.


@schroedinger- Thank you for understanding my lack of desire to get rid of my truck. PA is rural and I'd be screwing myself if I got rid of my truck. The housing assistance programs here are waitlisted to hell, but maybe I can somehow get lucky and get to the top of the list. And thank you for understanding I'm trying to BREAK barriers, not put any up. I'm trying not to let desperation make me behave rashly.

posted by cortex (staff) at 9:09 AM on February 13, 2013

You need a throwaway email address, sister. Memail me.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 7:26 PM on February 28, 2013