Picking Yourself Up By Your Boostraps
February 10, 2013 4:35 PM   Subscribe

Greetings All: Well, it's February and the weather is pretty crummy which is appropriate for this time of year. For those of you reading this post, I don't have a lot to add to what is going on in my life right now. To make matters simple, I would say this that I have lived in a very closed off world for most of my life. I have made some pretty bad life choices, and that I have tried to see the positive of the things that have gone my way. Unfortunately, things are not going the way that I would like right now which makes me me feel as thought I am in the same boat as everyone else.

I know that I have a lot of things that I need to do to get my life back into shape, it is just so damn hard. I vacillate between trying to distract myself by reading or turning on the television and wanting to sleep even when I am not entirely tired. Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of clinical terms that could describe what I am feeling, but the essence of what I am feeling is a lifetime of bad decisions catching up with me and my not being able to cope with dealing with them.

Let's just say for arguments sake that I give it another attempt. I get up, I get more room organized. I make a pile of papers and bills that I need to take care of. I make a decision to apply for ten different jobs a day and I have no idea what the result will be. Yes, this is how life works. Life is not some fairy tale that ends up working out magically for everyone. I end up finding a job that is a long commute to and from work and it doesn't pay a whole lot but it is a job and maybe I even get lucky and find some benefits. I guess my questions is why do I feel so disgusted with how everything has turned out? I enjoy helping people, more importantly, I find satisfaction from teaching people how to do things, but that does not make me an efficient learner.

I have hit bottom before in my life and I truly believed that I would never allow that to happen again. This time it is different. My self-awareness is at least up to par that I realize that I am not some innnocent victim that has had some bad breaks that resulted in this. What do you do when you realize that everything that is matter in your life has something to do with some bad decision that you have made. Or that the people you have believed to have all the answers in life really don't have the answers but they do have their own agenda and you're either with them or against them.

When I was younger, I used to be able to muscle it up when I had to do things that I really had no desire to do. I would tell myself this is going to suck, but the sooner I get started the sooner I will get through this. Somehow I have lost that ability to muscle through the shit that I don't want to deal with. I can do it, it just hurts so damn much.

There are a lot of other negative things going on in my life right now, but I really don't want to go into too much greater detail. I personally think that one of the biggest impediments to gaining any momentum is that when you are younger, you can't always recognize when you're walking the wrong direction so you keep going just because that is the direction that you are going. It is very different when you know that you are walking the wrong path and that it is taking all the energy you have just to walk in the wrong direction. The idea of turning around and backtracking and having to check more of your premises makes you even that much more tired.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
posted by nidora to Human Relations (7 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
You sound depressed. Find a therapist and talk this out.

While that's happening, don't focus on YOUR WHOLE LIFE in one big chunk. Give yourself small tasks to get through each day, and things that will give you a sense of accomplishment when each one is done.
posted by xingcat at 4:42 PM on February 10, 2013 [6 favorites]

I guess my questions is why do I feel so disgusted with how everything has turned out?

Because depression is a medical illness that can lead to these thought patterns. Your post exhibits many of its symptoms.

Somehow I have lost that ability to muscle through the shit that I don't want to deal with. I can do it, it just hurts so damn much.

This kind of fatigue is a key symptom of depression. See a doctor so that you can get help and feel better.
posted by salvia at 4:59 PM on February 10, 2013 [4 favorites]

Somehow I have lost that ability to muscle through the shit that I don't want to deal with. I can do it, it just hurts so damn much.

I broadly dislike diagnosing anyone of anything over the internet but, man, you've got the smell of clinical depression all over your Ask Metafilter history.

You've got to figure how you can get therapy, a diagnosis and if necessary the right medication.
posted by mhoye at 5:00 PM on February 10, 2013 [4 favorites]

"What do you do when you realize that everything that is matter in your life has something to do with some bad decision that you have made."

Decide to do something else next time.

The way you present this, your life as an amorphous mishmash of failure you have no motivation to remedy (because... Only more failure awaits whichever way you turn? Seems to be implied) suggests that in fact you are depressed.

You know quite well what to do - break down your problems and solve them one by one. You're just too fed up to do it. So start with the problem of being depressed. Print your question and show it to your doctor.

If it helps, I predict that in no more than two to three years your life will be marvellous in nearly all respects. You do need to address the depression problem now, though, so drag that reluctant ass over to the phone and make that appointment. After that you will have accomplished a very big thing for today and can rest as much as your schedule will allow.
posted by tel3path at 5:04 PM on February 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

You've taken the first step in just being involved in the Mefi community. So far you have asked questions and responded within your own posts. Why don't you look at other people's questions and see if you can help them (there is even a bunch of unanswered questions). Look at the metafilter site and get involved in a few conversations. Meanwhile, everyday get up, get dressed and make your bed. While the sun is up go for a short walk around the block. Do a small thing that you have been putting off. Have a nap as a reward. Write in a journal or blog. At the end of the night make sure your sink is clear and clean. Repeat. One of the small things to do that you have been putting off is making an appointment with your doctor. Either you haven't been going or the professional help you are getting isn't enough/the right type. Bring your questions from askme (well, maybe not the one about your computer) so the doctor can see you have had distorted thinking for quite some time. There is a better, positive life for you, once you get past this hard part.
posted by saucysault at 6:48 PM on February 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

Listen - I know that you might not totally buy into the idea that depression is responsible for all of the failings and inadequacies in your life and resolving it will magically solve everything. I don't either. Realistically, you probably do have something to do with a lot of what's making you feel dissatisfied, which is true for everyone because realistically, most things can be resolved with some intelligent pattern-breaking and proactivity.

But the thing is, if you want to fix the things that are making you feel crappy, you need to know what the things that are making you feel crappy actually are in the first place. Generally, if you're not depressed, this is pretty easy because your feelings act as a litmus test for what's going wrong. But if you're depressed, knowing what's actually making you feel depressed becomes WAY harder because a) you don't know if you're actually feeling crappy at an issue, or if you're just using an issue to blame your background levels of crappy-feelingness on, and b) your reactions are oversensitive and uncalibrated so you never know if something's REALLY bothering you or not since you don't have a realistic way of interacting with the outside world.

And that's why everyone suddenly jumped on the therapy train right now. Not because we don't want to help you with your problems, because hello, this is AskMe and we love love love love problems, but we don't know what your actual fucking problems are! You vaguely go on tangents here and there, but you just sound completely confused and lost. We can't know what you want until you actually know what you want, so that's why you need to sort out in your mind what problems are "real" for you and what problems are in your head. THAT'S why you need to go to therapy, so you can come back and tell us a few months later, "oh, the ACTUAL reason I was feeling particularly crappy right now was concretely this," and then we can actually all give you advice.

So will investigating your depression magically solve everything? Probably not. But will it make everything you're bringing up here a shit-ton easier to solve? Probably, because then you can actually communicate to both us and yourself what's actually wrong, so we can work together to devise proactive plans to fix them!
posted by Conspire at 8:09 PM on February 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

If you know that you are walking in the wrong direction, then how can you be surprised that your tired and distracted? Even horses, made to work are listless and easily distracted. On the way back to the stables, they gallop. It takes an experienced rider to control the horse.

Often what people call courage is just the experience of knowing that not doing something will turn out worse in the long run. This is the benefit of maturity. It is courage in the face of adversity like a rider in the face of a horse that cannot understand the need for his work.

Now: You have no choice but to "give it another attempt". Every moment of your life is an attempt, by definition. If you run in the direction you think is right, the dividends will increase your energy. It's like sharing a smile with a stranger: A little bit of energy out, and a little bit coming in, until the trickles turn into waterfalls.

Get up!!
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 2:41 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

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