What to expect when I'm expecting to be expecting soon?

February 10, 2013 3:41 PM

My husband and I think we may start trying for our first child within the next year. I'm looking for books and other resources to help inform myself about the biological and health side of the equation, as well as psychological, relationship, and general life consequences of having a baby.

Relevant details:

-I'm 24 and he's 25, we got married in October

-Homeowners in a community with good schools; plenty of room for multiple kids at our house

-He's established in his career and the breadwinner; he's likely to continue increasing his income for quite a while

-I'm student getting a second undergrad degree and I freelance full-time to supplement our income. I will hopefully start medical school in August 2015 if I'm accepted. I have a strong preference for several local programs, but we have decided we can and will move if we really have to (i.e., I don't get in here). The logistics of that are something we could only really decided at that time.

-I will finish undergrad Spring 2014, so I will have a year off between that and starting med school, and so the perfect timing would be if I gave birth right after ending school (thus starting to try late in 2013 or early 2014). This would mean I would be pregnant my last two quarters and would probably be taking the MCAT pregnant. I'm not sure if that should be a major concern or not (would pregnancy just make me uncomfortable during the test, or could it actually make it hard for me to do well?)

-The local state med school, which is my top choice, provides multiple options for on-campus, low-cost daycare. I'm not sure about the other schools, but they are in cities, so I am assuming there would be options.

-Both our families are fairly local, although we live out in a rural area that is 45 min or more away from all of them. Some family members would be willing to provide a lot of help. Both of us have siblings with toddlers, and both of our parents love having the grandbabies spend the night or stay over while mom and dad do what they need to do.

-We both really want kids. He has been ready pretty much from the time we married, except for some concerns about not having enough money saved due to the large cost of paying for a wedding followed by our house down payment one week later. I have been a bit more hesitant due to concerns that it will impact my ability to get through school or make the career choices that I feel like I need to make. I've never considered foregoing children completely an option, though, and have felt like I would probably prefer the mid- to late-twenties the time to go for it. After talking to a lot of people, it looks like a great many women have babies during some phase of their medical training. This window between undergad and med school seems like it might be the best time to go for it, compared with my other options.

-Not on any hormonal birth control. Hormonal birth control seems to give me some mood issues (both low dose estrogen and progesterone only pills), so I stopped taking it a few months ago. I'm not planning to get on anything in the near future due to possible baby plans. We're using a barrier method for now.

So I'm looking for resources that will both inform me of the medical and health side of the equation for a healthy conception and pregnancy, but also anything that will give me some things to think about when it comes deciding if we want to do this now. Books, websites, documentaries, and any advice you have to share would all be greatly appreciated!

posted by wansac to Health & Fitness (10 answers total)

Taking Charge of Your Fertility is the go to book. Congrats, and good luck!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:53 PM on February 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Agree with Take charge of your fertility.... AWESOME book... Read it 5 times over... See your Dr first, be sure you are healthy to conceive, take your vitamins and then have a baby.....just do it, enjoy the ride....be informed and healthy and take all reasonable precautions but do it!! And enjoy it, don't over think. It goes by so fast.....Biggest congrats....my baby days are over but I would give anything to be doing it all over.... So much fun!!
posted by pearlybob at 4:45 PM on February 10, 2013

This would mean I would be pregnant my last two quarters and would probably be taking the MCAT pregnant. I'm not sure if that should be a major concern or not (would pregnancy just make me uncomfortable during the test, or could it actually make it hard for me to do well?)

I am in my third trimester right now. I would not want to be taking any tests, especially of the "life deciding" level of importance that I would guess the MCAT is. I have had an easy pregnancy, but except for a couple of months in my second trimester I've had the kind of mild ailments that would make concentrated study very difficult (nausea, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, etc).

Getting pregnant, from a physical perspective, is not that big a deal unless it is. You're in your mid 20s, it will probably be a breeze, and if it isn't, buy "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and read up, then see a doctor if problems persist. Hell, even being pregnant isn't that big a deal unless it is. Read through the ask.me archives for questions by pregnant ladies, talk to your friends that have babies. Make sure you have good health insurance.

I think having a baby in between school and medical school makes it incredibly unlikely that you will go to medical school. There are a lot of societal pressures that you are going to face after you give birth. Is your husband interested in true co-parenting, or is he just interested in having kids? There's nothing wrong with either, but if you're going to go back to medical school he will need to be willing to do more than earn money, and he may pressure you to put off school until the kids themselves are in school. It's very different to have a kid while you're already invested in a program and know the demands and can negotiate those demands with your husband. I wish I could give you books or resources to support this but the best I can come up with is Get to Work which is definitely a manifesto but has some interesting facts about the challenges that women with children will face in creating and maintaining careers. If you're at all interested in that angle of your life, reading on this issue may be worthwhile.

Good luck with all of it. The best advice I can give is that you've got a long time to get pregnant and so whether you start now or later, it's really not worth worrying about fertility or the physical stuff unless and until you find you have a problem.
posted by ch1x0r at 4:46 PM on February 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I think having a baby in between school and medical school makes it incredibly unlikely that you will go to medical school.

This was initially a concern of mine, but I'm highly, highly motivated to make it happen regardless of where I am at with the children situation. I know that statement probably doesn't seem like it means a whole lot as I'm not yet contending with everything being a mother will mean, so I guess all I can really say is that have tremendous faith that I will push on through. I do think it's possible that I could get delayed 1-2 years by having a child (which is not something I want to happen, but also wouldn't be the end of the world), but I just cannot envision giving up this path to stay home or continue working in my current profession.

I've been very encouraged by a lot of the stories of non-traditional medical students that started school with an infant at home. Maybe they're exceptional and there's many more people out there that wound up giving up after a baby came along, but... I guess it's just a risk I'm willing to take, since I know how I feel about it and I think the odds are good I'll eventually find my way into a program that is right for me even if a baby comes along in the next year. Hopefully that's not an overly naive point of view.

My husband is really eager to be a dad, so I anticipate a lot of support beyond earning money. Your comment has made me realize there are quite a few conversations we need to have (probably many times) before making the final decision, re: making sure we are both completely on board with me going to school on the timeline I have planned if there is still a baby in the mix.

As far as taking the MCAT pregnant... I'll have to take another look at my class schedule and when I will have taken enough prereqs and have enough review time to see if maybe that could be avoided.

The advice here so far is much appreciated!
posted by wansac at 5:36 PM on February 10, 2013

I know people who did law school and med school in all stages of pregnancy/childbearing/child raising. Sometimes it isn't easy or fun, but if you're motivated and have support, it's completely doable. My advice is to not get too caught up in the details because, as with all things pregnancy, it'll work out how it works out. If that means school happens six months or a year later, so be it. I'm in my third trimester of my third pregnancy and second child, and will say that the only time that I would have been totally unable to handle anything was after a second-trimester miscarriage of my first pregnancy, and that's because I spent a couple months barely functioning. Had I been in school or in a different situation, I am sure I would have taken a semester off or went on disability. Which is why such things exist. i know people who gave birth days before the bar exam; others days after. I know other people who pushed the test to the next sitting. Point is, you make it work for you, based on how you are feeling and what seems like it will work at the time.

taking charge of your fertility is a good start. But really, I think you should go to a library or bookstore and just start browsing. There are so many books, and it depends on what kind of voice you're looking to get your advice from. Read a couple chapters until you find one you feel like is speaking to you.

As a mid-30s working professional with a kid and one on the way: I envy your ability to choose the childbearing at this earlier stage. If I were rewriting the history of my life, I'd love to have had my husband and kids at the stage your at. Good luck to you!
posted by dpx.mfx at 5:44 PM on February 10, 2013 [2 favorites]

What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding for him. It is a humor book, but humor is a good thing.
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:45 PM on February 10, 2013

you should start taking folic acid now.
posted by sabh at 6:01 PM on February 10, 2013

I am in my third trimester right now. I would not want to be taking any tests, especially of the "life deciding" level of importance that I would guess the MCAT is. I have had an easy pregnancy, but except for a couple of months in my second trimester I've had the kind of mild ailments that would make concentrated study very difficult (nausea, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, etc).

Everyone's different, of course, but I did a lot of very difficult academic work while pregnant. Just another data point.
posted by kestrel251 at 7:08 PM on February 10, 2013

Be prepared for anything. Seriously. After watching several of my friends and relatives have easy pregnancies and complication-free deliveries I had decided I was worrying too much and I should just relax. Instead I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum and spent both of my pregnancies lying on the bathroom floor just trying not to be sick. I couldn't 'do' anything at all and it became especially difficult during my second pregnancy because now I had a one year old to look after!

Both deliveries ended in emergency c-sections as well. This was a humbling stage in my life. So plan all you like, just be prepared to have your plans change!

As far as 'general' life consequences, the biggest lesson I have learned is how to shrug off well-meant advice. People see a baby and all of the sudden want to pass judgement on everything you do! It took me a long time to stop taking it personally and stop defending my own decisions. Once I did I felt liberated and a lot less stressed.

Best wishes for you! You sound like you have big plans for your life!
posted by pink candy floss at 7:35 PM on February 10, 2013

I am not a doctor, but I had my baby during the last year of my second degree program (in a competitive profession). The pregnancy was pretty unremarkable for the most part, but being pregnant and going to school is very different from being pregnant and going to your job. I would be concerned about critical coursework and MCAT during the 3rd trimester. For me, the first trimester was rough because I was pukey all the time, but it didn't impact my grades. The second trimester was golden. The third trimester ... yikes. I had heard that women get "pregnancy brain" but I didn't realize that was a real thing. About six weeks before my due date I suddenly became a lot less sharp, even at simple arithmetic that I had mastered 20 years ago. In a work context that's usually fine - your co-workers see that you are further along in the pregnancy and you have backup. In a school context, exams are when they are, and you can't have your teammate take it for you. Of course if something terrible happens and you need a formal accommodation for disability you will get it, but in competitively graded courses it's not like the professor is going to bump up your exam score because you were pregnant. Another thing to consider is how potential references will see you. I guess if I were you, I'd wait to get pregnant until I locked in my medical school acceptance and had already begun.

And, yes, screw what people think of you -- but if you are dependent on letters of reference from certain sources watch out for accidentally "mommy tracking" yourself, you know?

I am also acquainted with a handful of women doctors who had babies during med school and residencies. So clearly women do it and do it well.
posted by stowaway at 8:18 PM on February 10, 2013