Talk to me about being married, but choosing to live apart.
February 2, 2013 1:48 PM Subscribe
Talk to me about being married, but choosing to live apart. It sounds... awesome, for so many reasons. And I have heard that people do this. But I don't know any real people who have done it. If you or someone you know has this type of relationship, i'd like to know more about your experience. Examples of the type of stuff I want to know is:
Did it work out? What are some not-obvious positives and negatives? Did it meet your expectations? Would you recommend it? How did you manage things like taxes, wills, insurance, health concerns, joint finances, schedules, priorities? Did you feel "really married"? Was it ultimately good or bad for your relationship? What do you wish you'd known before not moving in together?
But feel free to just sound off about what you think is most important.
Did it work out? What are some not-obvious positives and negatives? Did it meet your expectations? Would you recommend it? How did you manage things like taxes, wills, insurance, health concerns, joint finances, schedules, priorities? Did you feel "really married"? Was it ultimately good or bad for your relationship? What do you wish you'd known before not moving in together?
But feel free to just sound off about what you think is most important.
I don't have any advice, but you may find some in this previous AskMe thread.
posted by walla at 2:16 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by walla at 2:16 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
You might find some of the stories in The Sabbatical Marriage to be of interest. The book doesn't necessarily focus on couples who live in different dwellings in the same town, but it does answer some of the questions you posed about couples living apart.
posted by El_Marto at 2:48 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by El_Marto at 2:48 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I posted this answer in the other thread.
One of the pros I didn't touch on in that thread is the child of this marriage. He's now 13. He's a tremendous child with a sort of built-in difference tolerance and a nicely developed critical thinking filter. I credit the non-traditional organisation of his family with this.
As to feeling "really married" I don't know what that means. The secret of marriages is that no two are the same and they all are different on the inside than they look on the outside anyway. Plenty of people who live in the same house live their lives miles apart.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on February 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
One of the pros I didn't touch on in that thread is the child of this marriage. He's now 13. He's a tremendous child with a sort of built-in difference tolerance and a nicely developed critical thinking filter. I credit the non-traditional organisation of his family with this.
As to feeling "really married" I don't know what that means. The secret of marriages is that no two are the same and they all are different on the inside than they look on the outside anyway. Plenty of people who live in the same house live their lives miles apart.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on February 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm married but live apart from my partner because of our jobs and education opportunities. We've been together 9 years, living apart 1, expect to live apart another 3.
So far it's been very difficult but mostly manageable, mostly due to the 5-hour distance. Transport has been the main issue - the amount of time and money it takes up, who takes on the burden.
It didn't meet my expectations - I thought that living apart would give me more time to work on my personal projects, but that didn't happen. My partner and I also care better for each other than we do for ourselves in things like cooking and cleaning. I wouldn't recommend it for people in a relationship that's working well, although I know a lot of people do manage it.
I keep a Google calendar schedule with travel times, finances haven't changed, we do more talking by email and Skype. I missed my partner when I had a health issue as I could have used the in-person support.
posted by quercus23 at 5:19 PM on February 2, 2013
So far it's been very difficult but mostly manageable, mostly due to the 5-hour distance. Transport has been the main issue - the amount of time and money it takes up, who takes on the burden.
It didn't meet my expectations - I thought that living apart would give me more time to work on my personal projects, but that didn't happen. My partner and I also care better for each other than we do for ourselves in things like cooking and cleaning. I wouldn't recommend it for people in a relationship that's working well, although I know a lot of people do manage it.
I keep a Google calendar schedule with travel times, finances haven't changed, we do more talking by email and Skype. I missed my partner when I had a health issue as I could have used the in-person support.
posted by quercus23 at 5:19 PM on February 2, 2013
Response by poster: are you talking long distance, or down the street from each other
I'd say within a 45-minute walk is the maximum distance ideally, definitely in the same city.
Walla, I don't know why that thread didn't come up in my searches, thanks! I'd still love more imput, especially personal experience.
posted by windykites at 6:17 PM on February 2, 2013
I'd say within a 45-minute walk is the maximum distance ideally, definitely in the same city.
Walla, I don't know why that thread didn't come up in my searches, thanks! I'd still love more imput, especially personal experience.
posted by windykites at 6:17 PM on February 2, 2013
I know a couple that is about to be married who are planning on doing this, and a couple who already is married and has just started living apart. I also knew of a couple who was married and lived in totally different cities, but not well (she was one of the professors at the office where I had a job in college).
For the couple I knew about but didn't know well, it seemed to be okay - they had been married for years and lived together for most of it, but their careers took them into two different cities, and that was just what they decided to do. She lived here in New York and he was in Baltimore.
For the couple that has just started living apart, they were always pretty unconventional anyway; they have an open marriage, and that's always seemed to be working. They own two properties here in the city, and they got the idea when an apartment opened up in the property they weren't living in, and she took it. Their teenage daughter seems to be okay with that too.
For the couple that is getting married - they're both people who've been single for a long time and decided well, hell, why should either of them give up the apartments they've each had for years now. And truth be told (I know the groom-to-be VERY well, and in fact I dated him myself 15 years ago), we weren't expecting him to ever want to get married in the first place, so somehow the two of them each keeping their apartments kind of made his friends all say, "oh, okay, now that makes more sense."
The conditions of a marriage are unique to each married couple. If this is what you and your partner want to do, and you've really talked out all the angles of it and still want to do it, go for it. But yes, there have been other couples who've done this and it hasn't lead to Scorched-Earth-Home-Breaking or anything.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:02 PM on February 2, 2013
For the couple I knew about but didn't know well, it seemed to be okay - they had been married for years and lived together for most of it, but their careers took them into two different cities, and that was just what they decided to do. She lived here in New York and he was in Baltimore.
For the couple that has just started living apart, they were always pretty unconventional anyway; they have an open marriage, and that's always seemed to be working. They own two properties here in the city, and they got the idea when an apartment opened up in the property they weren't living in, and she took it. Their teenage daughter seems to be okay with that too.
For the couple that is getting married - they're both people who've been single for a long time and decided well, hell, why should either of them give up the apartments they've each had for years now. And truth be told (I know the groom-to-be VERY well, and in fact I dated him myself 15 years ago), we weren't expecting him to ever want to get married in the first place, so somehow the two of them each keeping their apartments kind of made his friends all say, "oh, okay, now that makes more sense."
The conditions of a marriage are unique to each married couple. If this is what you and your partner want to do, and you've really talked out all the angles of it and still want to do it, go for it. But yes, there have been other couples who've done this and it hasn't lead to Scorched-Earth-Home-Breaking or anything.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:02 PM on February 2, 2013
I have a friend whose father and stepmother did this. When they married, she had teenagers at home and then later her mother moved in. He is an extremely solitary, introverted man, so it made sense for them to live apart. I think their houses were a mile or two away, so trivial by car in their suburban town. Recently, she started the process of moving in with him, because her health is reaching a point where she needs 24 hour support & supervision. She's also lacking in dependents now, so it's just her. I think they probably would have continued living apart as long as it seemed to work.
My partner and I have also talked about this - our ideal would be a duplex where one unit has 3 bedrooms and the other has one, or a house with a mother-in-law unit or suite. That way my partner could retreat to his little space, and I could stay in the big section with the kids.
I couldn't tell you why we would like this; I just know that we would. We've been together for about 7 years, and only sleeping in the same room consistently for two, because of space restrictions. But we don't sleep in the same bed, usually - we have a queen and a full right next to each other in our bedroom. It really just works for us.
posted by linettasky at 8:26 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
My partner and I have also talked about this - our ideal would be a duplex where one unit has 3 bedrooms and the other has one, or a house with a mother-in-law unit or suite. That way my partner could retreat to his little space, and I could stay in the big section with the kids.
I couldn't tell you why we would like this; I just know that we would. We've been together for about 7 years, and only sleeping in the same room consistently for two, because of space restrictions. But we don't sleep in the same bed, usually - we have a queen and a full right next to each other in our bedroom. It really just works for us.
posted by linettasky at 8:26 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have been with my partner for ten years, and I have lived in the tiny refurbished carriage house since we finished renovating it about five years ago. It started because I'm an insomniac who needs quiet and peace. It's also because I'm a writer who needs an office separate from the house, or I'll be distracted and spend all my time doing dishes.
I would say it's been pretty perfect. I do have to make an effort to join the family (he has two teenage children) sometimes rather than isolate in my little cottage out back, and intimacy is something for which effort must be made. (Hey, perimenopause combined with not sleeping in the same bed...)
If we didn't have the carriage house, I think an apartment nearby would also be fine (though we're too poor to do that).
We are not (yet) married, so taxes are separate. I am his life insurance beneficiary, and would get the house upon his death. Our finances are not completely joined, but money travels willy-nilly between us.
We always have breakfast and dinner together, and see each other often throughout the course of the day--we both usually work from home.
I would say that living separately on the same property is great. I often hear from other women that they are jealous of what I have, though their husbands wouldn't be able to stand it. We feel pretty together, but as a woman prone to depression, it can sometimes exacerbate my sense of isolation or I can manufacture a sense of rejection or lack of intimacy. So, psychologically, it can be trying if you are vulnerable. We've worked through that, however, and it's gone pretty well.
I wouldn't give it up for anything, but sometimes I do wonder about how things will go as we age. There will be a time when we can't go up and down stairs and whatever, and our living situation won't be as possible. I can't imagine, though, sharing a room all the time. We both require our space.
posted by RedEmma at 8:26 AM on February 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would say it's been pretty perfect. I do have to make an effort to join the family (he has two teenage children) sometimes rather than isolate in my little cottage out back, and intimacy is something for which effort must be made. (Hey, perimenopause combined with not sleeping in the same bed...)
If we didn't have the carriage house, I think an apartment nearby would also be fine (though we're too poor to do that).
We are not (yet) married, so taxes are separate. I am his life insurance beneficiary, and would get the house upon his death. Our finances are not completely joined, but money travels willy-nilly between us.
We always have breakfast and dinner together, and see each other often throughout the course of the day--we both usually work from home.
I would say that living separately on the same property is great. I often hear from other women that they are jealous of what I have, though their husbands wouldn't be able to stand it. We feel pretty together, but as a woman prone to depression, it can sometimes exacerbate my sense of isolation or I can manufacture a sense of rejection or lack of intimacy. So, psychologically, it can be trying if you are vulnerable. We've worked through that, however, and it's gone pretty well.
I wouldn't give it up for anything, but sometimes I do wonder about how things will go as we age. There will be a time when we can't go up and down stairs and whatever, and our living situation won't be as possible. I can't imagine, though, sharing a room all the time. We both require our space.
posted by RedEmma at 8:26 AM on February 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've known people who are married, live apart and are happy doing so. It all depends on the people involved. The issues they run into tend to be on the practical side - specifically, paying for two residences. Unless one of the couple lives in a separate residence on the same property, both own their homes outright, or can access rent-controlled/cheap housing, paying two mortgages or rentals on two apartments (and two sets of utilities) can be an issue.
There's also the distance issue - people who live within a few minutes of one another (or next door!) have a much easier time of it. True long-distance relationships (or living apart with a long commute) can be hard to keep up over time.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:17 AM on February 3, 2013
There's also the distance issue - people who live within a few minutes of one another (or next door!) have a much easier time of it. True long-distance relationships (or living apart with a long commute) can be hard to keep up over time.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:17 AM on February 3, 2013
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I have also lived in separate cities because of jobs. If you are an academic who's part of a couple, you have likely done this. I really liked that for the work-life balance, but it was really bad for the finances, and also the taxes were a huge headache.
posted by BibiRose at 2:15 PM on February 2, 2013 [1 favorite]