It's not you, it's me... Or is it?
January 31, 2013 8:01 AM   Subscribe

Need strategies for not getting stuck in my own mind for hours every day over thinking a new relationship. How to know whether you are ruining things in your own head or things are not right?

A bit of background… I’m 27, M, never been in a relationship. I was over 350lbs/25 stone due to comfort eating, up until a couple of years ago when I lost 12. Until about 4 years ago I spent my life at home with an alcoholic abusive step father except when I moved back and forth between my (homophobic)grandparents because my mother was very ill and depressed. This has left me with many medical issues (mainly kidney failure), confidence issues, abandonment/self-belief issues and a body like a deflated walrus.

In the last year I have been working on my confidence using things like mefi, affirmations, meditation, exercise, diaries, learning an instrument, counselling, good friends (I have many) all the usual. But what I never expected was other people so start to be attracted to me and to have relationship issues on top of it all. I’ve been told since my weight loss I am very attractive which is starting to sink in, this has lead to me exploring my sexuality, a few awkward sex encounters, trying to date a few guys here and there, but nothing ever seemed to work because I got hurt a few times and wasn’t getting what I wanted or I wasn’t right for them.

I’m at the stage now where I have met someone who I have fallen for pretty quickly, it’s been over 2 months, which is a record for me. We see each other 2 or more times a week one night out, one night in. this are great when I’m on form we have a good communication, he makes me laugh, he is intimate, we have shared interests, he says for him things are so easy and he really likes me and wants to get to know me better, he wanted exclusivity/commitment first and changed his fb status first to “in a relationship” has been open about being ready for a relationship as he has never been in one either. He never cancels, is always on time and always seems to enjoy himself with me. He seems to relax fall asleep easily with me and seems overall content. He makes me want to be more casual about life and things, I’m giving up smoking tomorrow because I hate the fact that I need it to get by and he doesn’t like it which means I need reassurance from you guys about what to do in the next few weeks when I am at high stress points, because:

There are things that make me unsure. While he is content and relaxed, I am thinking about everything, and then thinking some more about it. He has never been in a relationship before, he is 25, only had a lot of casual sex encounters and said it left him feeling used and damaged and he needs time for us to build up to having ‘sex with feelings’ (we have done other things) He is a big part of my life already, I’m happy for him to come home, come to meet all my friends (which he is happy to do) But I don’t feel part of his world at all. I can’t go to his house, he says his parents don’t allow anyone over and are not very accepting of his sexuality. I’ve never met his friends, he says he doesn’t have close friends the way I do that he spends a lot of time alone reading or watching TV and goes to restaurants alone etc and is self admittedly not very emotional/sympathetic person despite loving his pets and family very much. I know he’s not the type of person who ‘needs’ someone else or will be overly crushy & touchy/affectionate the way I am. Sometimes I think I need someone like him because he is so grounded and a lot of my emotional outbursts just wash over him, he has a great, cool personality and that it would be 10 times worse if I was dating someone as reactive/needy/dramatic as me.

A few examples of actions that make me confused if it’s me or him are:

1.if he is having a bad day at work I will be very huggy, supportive, talk about strategies to forget about it. Talk about jobs he has applied for, distract him with after work activities, but if I am having a bad day at work he will say something dismissive like “I’d gladly swap with you” because he feels I have an easy stress free perky job, I kind of do but I still get annoyed.

2. I would ring him a lot in the evenings and when we talked about it he thought that it was weird that I was ringing him every night so I said would let him take the lead and ring me whenever, it’s been two weeks and he hasn’t called . When I mentioned it he said “I like to hear from you and ring whenever you want.” He will sill text me every day which leaves me confused about his desire to be with me I mean me wanting to speak to him and him obliging is not the same as him wanting to speak to me.

3. I pulled him about getting a text from someone called “hot guy” in his phone, he said it was a number he had saved on a night out before we met in November and didn’t even know the persons name or who it was, that he told the person to not text him anymore. Then turned it around asked did I have trust issues, did I feel he was meeting other people or did I think he even wanted to, that if I was going to read through his phone that it would be a deal breaker for him. He felt not trusted that I needed to work on because he would end things with me before being with someone else.

4. I buy lots of little gifts, like to hold hands, like to talk about 'us' cuddle and kiss a lot which means I initaite kissing/fun a lot more than he does, and i am in the mood 100 times more often than he is which makes me feel either not wanted and sleasy or too much for him.

This has all happened with all the other guys, about 4/5 times now. I felt like I wasn’t getting enough support/affection/reassurance and ended up feeling like they weren’t right and losing interest and dumping them despite being devastated that I didn’t put enough effort in and feeling like I had ruined it, I had lots of trust issues if they were getting texts/still using dating sites where we had met and causing scenes, wanting to know where they were etc.

So do I follow the half of my brain that says he accepts my past, could be the best thing to happen to me and stop with my need to constantly have emotional support, hear how wanted/attractive I am, cause drama with body issues and stuff and find strategies to just enjoy taking the time to get to know him. To just let him take the lead instead of me pushing for more time together, holidays and more commitment /phone calls etc and see where time takes because he does always text, never complains about anything and keeps showing up; or

Realise that I have no good role models for relationships, am not capable of letting anyone in, give up again, tell him he’s not good enough for me and go back to feeling alone and unwanted, bring up the lack of support as a deal breaker and keep looking for someone so ideal and understanding that they may never be found?


TL,DR
My first relationship, never dated anyone beyond a few weeks, have lots of depression/anxiety issues. Need strategies for not getting stuck in my own mind for hours every day over thinking every text/action my bf takes as black/white and good enough/not good enough/is he the one.

How to ease up with the limerance and just chill out. Basically knowing whether I am ruining things in my own head as I have a history or doing or is it just me ignoring lots of red flags because of my issues?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (9 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
There is never anything to be gained from not chilling out. Time will tell if he's trustworthy or not, if he's really into you or not; you will preemptively sabotage it by looking through his phone and pushing too hard. Sometimes we sabotage things because it's the only way to feel in control. It's really uncomfortable when we feel like someone else has control over the situation. However - you still have control over your own feelings.

Relax, and if you can't relax, keep busy to keep your mind off of it all. Worst case scenario, you date this guy for awhile and one or both of you loses interest. It's not the end of the world. All relationships end until one doesn't.

Life is so much easier when you don't worry about getting hurt.
posted by desjardins at 8:18 AM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


First, how freakin' amazing are you to get yourself healthy and to put yourself out there emotionally?

You are a rock star; you have my approval to look in the mirror and tell yourself you're wonderful (and you don't need my approval, btw).

Now, this being MeFi, my best guess is that you're going to get advice to talk to a therapist about all this stuff. I second this advice. You've done so many great things, and you have so much to look forward to, which brings me to...

life is way too short to ignore that little voice inside your brain. Basically, your instincts are dead on. This guy is not giving you the affection you deserve. Someone else out there will...you are not doomed to a life alone and unwanted when you call this guy (one last time) and tell him you no longer want to see him. End of that story (but FWIW, from your description, he is not a nice person.).

To the question of how can you relax? This is where some therapy can help, because you've done so much already, and you need a little help in this area, and you need to care enough for yourself to do this. Sure, maybe you have been a little overzealous in the past. The fact that you think it could be the case means you want to continually grow and good for you!
posted by kinetic at 8:20 AM on January 31, 2013 [6 favorites]


It sounds to me like the two of you have different emotional needs/expectations about relationships. Which is fine! This can be negotiated. You seem to want more contact and physical affection than he does, but that doesn't mean he's less interested than you are.

If he doesn't call you -- some people just don't like the phone. I can count on one hand the number of times I've spoken on the phone with my partner. It sounds like your fellow is happy to talk if you initiate, but has no desire to initiate himself. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you; it just means he's not the phone type.

This is the sort of thing that's worth having a conversation about. If him being more physically affectionate would make you feel loved, tell him that you'd like him to be more physically affectionate, and give him specific examples of what to do. He can't read your mind. It's okay to ask for what you want. It doesn't mean you're "clingy" or "pushy" or "demanding." The flip side of this is learning to acknowledge the ways in which he shows love. Some people do it by taking out the trash without being asked.

Also, therapy. Best of luck!
posted by baby beluga at 8:49 AM on January 31, 2013 [1 favorite]


Back when I was having no end of relationship drama, everybody would tell me that it was unreasonable of me to want to speak with someone I was dating more than once a week.

I've since learned (because I am now the best relationship I've ever had, which is saying something, since I thought I had one like this once before and now I'm divorced) is that, unless your partner is trekking through Mongolia, long gaps between communications are a big warning sign.

Those friends who gave me that advice? They weren't wrong, they just saw me choking burgeoning relationships to death and I think they were trying to help me be a little less obsessive and a little less clingy.

I would trust your instincts in this case. I'm not saying that your guy is an evil person, or that even that he's been lying to you. But some people are just good at acting to get what they want. To be honest, he sounds like a snake. It may be true that he has troubles, but it is not your job to fix them, not at this point in the relationship. You don't owe him anything.

Here is how you can tell when your relationship is really something to hold on to:

1. Your support of your partner is reciprocated. There's a reason why marriage vows contain the phrase, "in good times and in bad." (I am not equating a dating relationship that is but two months old with marriage, but it's almost never good when things start out the way they have with you and your boy.)

2. You don't spend hours of each day agonizing about whether your partner really cares about you, because you don't have to. Your partner appreciates you and lets you know without you having to prompt him. Relationships are indeed work, but it should be "easy" work, not Sisyphean work.

3. He doesn't come up with excuses why you shouldn't meet his family or friends. In fact, he can't wait to introduce you to his family and friends. (Closet situations may exclude the family at first, but he would at least be eager to introduce you to his other friends.)

Those points might sound a bit trite, and too awfully simple to be the truth, but true they are. You might be thinking, "that's too much to ask for." It is not. It is the difference between a real long-term relationship and a casual one. That's fine, if it's a casual relationship you are looking for, but clearly, you aren't.

So what should you do?

First, you need to move your "locus of control" inside. All this means is that you see the world in terms of the things that you can control, instead of in terms of the things others control, or things beyond anyone's control.

You want more out of your relationship than you are getting. You are focused on your boyfriend, who isn't giving what you want or expect. Thinking about this way puts the locus of control firmly with your boyfriend.

Instead, do this: think about the idea of relationship, and be very clear about what that means to you. This relationship is not serving you, because you are wasting your valuable time and heart ruminating about it. This is something you can control: you can drastically reduce your investment in it (great, if you can manage it), or you can end it entirely (something I would seriously consider at this point, given your past and your situation; adopting a wait and see approach doesn't fundamentally change the landscape for you, you'll just do more of the same worrying. You need to burn your boats, which will force you to concentrate on further improving your already very fine self and look elsewhere for what you want).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with ending it if you're not getting what you want and your boyfriend is dismissive of your wants, desires, troubles and fears.

Second, keep working on your self-concept. You have come a long way, but there's more work to be done. Happily, taking the first step described above will go some distance towards building you up, provided you do it the right way, which is by telling him not that he's not good enough for you (locus outside), but that you aren't getting the things you want (it's okay to use that word) and you're not interested anymore (locus inside). Make it about your choice.

Your feelings matter. Period. You might think that sounds selfish. My advice: selfishness is not your problem, rather the opposite. You are not in danger of becoming an asshole.
posted by rhombus at 9:06 AM on January 31, 2013 [5 favorites]


These are natural issues that come up in relationships when you haven't had much experience communicating your needs to someone else. You will learn this over time, but the best thing in situations like this is to be clear about what you want and how you feel - and to expect the same from the other person.

So the situation you describe in 1, yes, it's disappointing because you feel unsupported. But it doesn't sound like you have spoken to him about how he's making you feel. You need to directly say to him "hey, I know that my job is fairly laid back and I am grateful for that, but I still have stressful days sometimes, and it makes me feel unsupported if I try to tell you about that and you're unsympathetic. Sometimes I just need to vent, and I want to be able to do that with you and feel like you're taking it seriously."

I'm with you, it would drive me crazy if my significant other did not call me for 2 weeks. Did you tell him how that made you feel? Did you try to come to a compromise based on your needs, i.e. "I don't mind not talking every night if that feels overwhelming to you, but I'd like to talk every couple of days, and I don't want to feel like I am the only one putting in the effort to make the phone calls." He needs to know that you expect him to call you every couple of days, so that if he does not fulfill your expectations and needs, you can address that with him and it will make sense.

From what you describe you may also have different "languages of love" (as cheesy as that sounds to say) and differing sex drives. Again, these are things to talk about. Don't just "let him take the lead" - but tell him what you want from him (in a direct way, not just "I wish you would call me more") and see if he can give that to you.

You don't just break up with people without trying to talk through the reasons that things aren't working out for you - at least not people you genuinely like! This guy is not a mind reader, and even though he's doing things that for some people would be no brainer-relationship errors, he might be completely oblivious to how much they're bothering you. If you've clearly discussed these things with him and he still can't meet your needs, absolutely break up with him. But I think practicing having these conversations would be a really good thing for you even if you feel like the relationship might not be headed in the right direction ultimately.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:11 AM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


This has all happened with all the other guys, about 4/5 times now. I felt like I wasn’t getting enough support/affection/reassurance and ended up feeling like they weren’t right and losing interest and dumping them despite being devastated that I didn’t put enough effort in and feeling like I had ruined it, I had lots of trust issues if they were getting texts/still using dating sites where we had met and causing scenes, wanting to know where they were etc.

OK, so on the one hand, most people you date you will not date for long. Most people *will* be wrong for you, not interested enough, or you won't be interested enough in them, and lots of people *will* be jerks and cads. All this is true.

However, the section I quoted above pretty neatly identifies your pattern:
1) You're afraid it won't work out, you're afraid they'll cheat or not love you, so
2) you sabotage and nuke everything right from the get-go.

This is a pretty standard relationship pattern in people just starting out, honestly, especially people with backgrounds like yours. So, standard metafilter call for therapy and meditation, the former to sort out your self-sabotage pattern, the latter to generally calm your shit.

But meantime, you might try listing out your real needs and your real fears. Journal about your interactions and your reactions, each day. This will help you figure out how much your boyfriend is actually doing wrong, versus how much you panic.

Believe me, I get the panic! But I started keeping a journal in one relationship, and realized that while I was sitting here going OMG HE NEVER CALLS HE'S TOTES CHEATING OMG I could look back at the journal and see, "oh. Actually, we just talked Monday, it's Wednesday afternoon. He calls all the time, I'm just feeling insecure and needy and it's warping my perspective." Alternately if you keep journaling you might find that this guy really isn't treating you terrifically.

This is not to denounce gut feelings, which are often tremendously useful in relationships. But sometimes your gut can get stuck in panic mode as a default, and journals/therapy/meditation can help you reset it to normal.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:31 AM on January 31, 2013 [4 favorites]


I disagree that anyone is to blame here or that this guy is a bad person!

It's possible that his parents are homophobic and he is an introvert. That's not really the point here.

This is your problem:

Nthing that most people you date will not be right for you and it won't work out! You'll have to learn to accept this and take it a bit easier on yourself and others. If dating were easy and if everyone was naturally and easily compatible with everyone else in the world... C'mon! We both know that's just not how the world works!!

It's ok to relax your dating style. You've had a rough upbringing, I know you want to feel that feeling, that you are aching for it, and for it to be real. But I need you to put that aside for the time being. That aching is false.

You are already everything you need to be, right here, right NOW.

You've made it through the tough part. This next bit is a piece of cake compared to what you've survived, trust me on this. You won't make the happiness you've successfully earned and worked hard for come any faster at this stage by making too much of every relationship that crosses your path. There is no "Do or Die" feature to this stage, even though it feels like it's so urgent or that any mistakes are inherently fatal. (I know! I know!)

The truth is that at this stage in your life, believe it or not, you are on even footing with the rest of the world. Most of the folks we all date are wrong for us, until the right one comes along. Everybody goes through this stage. You are officially Normal. You're just like everybody else when it comes to dating. This is GOOD. Most guys from here on out are not going to be long term relationship material, and that's OK.

Now.

I hate phoning, but I love to text. If this guy shows up to dates and keeps in touch regularly, I don't necessarily see the problem with not phoning you to chit chat.

However.

The secrecy/introverted thing sounds 100% incompatible with your relationship style and requirements, and it's OK to throw this one back and continue to date if this feature is driving you nutso. At 25 years old and still living at home, frankly, he sounds closeted. I doubt he has a secret life and is cheating on you, but then again, he is bringing baggage to the party that he sounds unwilling to acknowledge. Again, I think you two may both be very nice, and yet incompatible. No blame for either of you. As I indicated above, that's how these things often work out.

You can do what you want. You are in charge of your life now. There is no pressure, no "Do or Die" scenario. Take your time. No one is to blame, there doesn't have to be a "bad guy" for you to need to move on. There doesn't have to be a "Good Guy" for you to decide to stay. You can just hang out and enjoy someone's company. Or not. You are in charge of your life now. Choose what makes you feel good. That's really the only rule.


One more piece of dating advice I'll give you....

While that feeling of limerance makes you feel really really high, and you can feel it with platonic friends as well as romantic, it's sometimes a warning sign. If it's so high, it feels overwhelming, well, it's not fun to feel overwhelmed all of the time by another person. It feels like you are losing yourself, doesn't it?

IMHO, every time a person made me feel too overwhelmed emotionally, it never worked out the way I hoped. I've had many many deep and satisfying connections that featured some aspects of limerance, but never did a connection featuring feelings of being truly overwhelmed lead to anything particularly beneficial or lasting. I wish I had learned to recognize and step away from those types of overwhelming connections sooner in my life.




You're doing fine. You can handle this. Congratulations on improving your life! I'm so very happy for you. Welcome to the rest of your life. You'll be fine now. It's ok. It's great!!

Heck. You don't need me to tell you. You'll find out soon enough:))
posted by jbenben at 11:31 AM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


Thank you so much for all your answers,

Just wanted to clear up that he does keep in contact everday via text and is out to everyone and his friends do know about me he just sees them like once a month whereas I meet friends almost daily . I am willing to chill out and not give up so early in getting to know each other, also being fed up starting over and because I can recgonise the self sabotage mentioned above: I know i'm breaking the anonimity but wanted to throw in an e-mail address: krisb9@hotmail.com

I found the previous answer by DavyMetal helpful

"One tip I've used successfully to combat this in my own behavior is the "lean back". Right now you're leaning forward emotionally, physically and behaviorally.

Take a deep breath, relax your body and mind, be silent a moment and lean back. Be calm. Observe. Feel grounded in your body. Connect to your inner source of sensuality and confidence and enjoy the warmth of your own inner radiance, essentially. Be as self-assured. Do everything slowly and deliberately-- gesture, speak, move and think with purpose and pleasure. Be sensual. Be yourself.

Practice this as a private reset when you feel yourself getting anxious about a man, whether you're alone or with him.

And, weirdly enough, leaning back creating positive, peaceful, sensual personal space seems to draw other people in-- must be one of those principles of the Tao.

PS Your feelings are really normal. I don't know anyone who isn't distracted by these thoughts and feelings when in love or infatuation, especially when things are coming to a make or break point in the relationship."
posted by krisb1701d at 12:00 PM on January 31, 2013 [4 favorites]


Speaking of the "lean back," a life lesson I learned from partner dancing: one partner (usually the woman) follows and one person (usually the man) leads. These roles don't have to stick to specific genders. In your case, you probably want to be following half the time and leading half the time.

There's such a thing as backleading. That's when the follower tries to guess where the leader's going to go and subtly, or not so subtly, steer him and the dance in that direction. Backleading never works out. It makes the dance gangly and off-beat; often, it brings it to a premature end.

The secret to partner dancing is a little bit of tension between the leader and the follower. The follower waits a split second for the leader to make a decision, then reacts. If the leader doesn't move, the follower doesn't move. If the leader spins the follower and doesn't grab her hand, the follower keeps spinning until he does.

I used to backlead in relationships. Now I'm trying something new by following. It's working a lot better so far. I recommend it.
posted by Bluestocking_Puppet at 12:27 PM on January 31, 2013 [3 favorites]


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