Dormant herpes - when to disclose?

January 27, 2013 9:14 AM

Hey guys, I'm 28 and I have the HSV-1. One outbreak a year or less, got from my mom, etc. Question: when should I disclose this to my partners, considering there's no outbreak? Options I see are: before kissing, before sex, before oral sex, and before engaging a relationship. Knowing about asymptomatic transmission and how most of the population have it I usually don't make a big deal out of this, but I realize different people have different standards, and that culture has some relevance when it comes to this (I'm originally from another country, where I suspect herpes is less of a big deal than in the USA). Anyways - trying to figure out the correct approach here, thanks!
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (17 answers total)

Cold sores are pretty common in the US. For the partners I've been with who got them, it was usually mentioned casually in conversation, and when he had an outbreak we would limit physical contact. It's not really thought of as an STD in the US (and in fact I never hear people refer to it in person as Herpes). I would mention it casually in conversation at some point.

According to Livestrong, 85-90% of Americans have the virus, and about 20% of Americans have outbreaks. So odds are, your partner will have the virus, whether he/she knows it or not.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:42 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Before kissing. Honestly, it makes you seem more trustworthy. If they have it too, then no biggie.
posted by discopolo at 9:48 AM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also trust the CDC stats, not Livestrong. I recall the Lance Armstrong charity actually selling the right to the name to livestrong.com. It has nothing to do with the cancer charity.
posted by discopolo at 9:51 AM on January 27, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've never disclosed it to partners, mostly because it will come up in conversation the first time I get a cold sore (which is relatively often). I also got it as a child from my mom and it's never seemed relevant. It's not an STD (unlike genital herpes), no partner of mine ever had a problem with me not "warning" them, and no partner of mine ever got cold sores after (which means they were probably already exposed to the virus and will just never be symptomatic).
posted by lydhre at 9:51 AM on January 27, 2013

But all that is to say that standard care still applies: no kissing/oral sex when you have an outbreak or feel an outbreak coming on, no sharing stuff that comes in contact with your lips, etc.
posted by lydhre at 9:54 AM on January 27, 2013

Also trust the CDC stats, not Livestrong.

The CDC doesn't have stats on HSV-1, only HSV-2. This previous AskMe has several links to the same statistic, as well as plenty of other good info the OP should look at.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:58 AM on January 27, 2013

It's not the "ST" part that's the problem. It's the "D" part. Whether you get it from your mom or a sex partner, it's not nice to possibly give people diseases without them knowing.

Instead of making the decision for other people, you should give them the facts and let them make up their own mind about whether they want to be exposed to a disease. If most people have it, and most people don't mind being exposed, then you risk nothing by telling. If actually they do mind, then you've got it out in the open.

There may even be a link between HSV-1 and Alzheimer's -- you really shouldn't be making these decisions for others.
posted by Houstonian at 10:04 AM on January 27, 2013 [11 favorites]

Yes, before kissing. I don't have coldsores now, and if I found out after kissing someone that I had been exposed without warning, i'd be pissed. Especially if I caught the virus and the relationship didn't work out.
posted by windykites at 10:22 AM on January 27, 2013 [6 favorites]

And come to think of it, an ex did have coldsores and didn't tell me; I found out when he got a breakout and it was one of the many, many things that caused me to lose trust in him and damaged our relationship. It made me worry about what other infections he might not have disclosed and I went through some serious anxiety before I was able to get an HIV test.
posted by windykites at 10:27 AM on January 27, 2013

Also trust the CDC stats, not Livestrong. I recall the Lance Armstrong charity actually selling the right to the name to livestrong.com. It has nothing to do with the cancer charity.

Somewhat off topic, but this is true. Livestrong.com is run by Demand Media (the content farm that produces eHow.com among many others). Writers are paid something like $25 to write an article, which then goes to a copy editor who gets $5 for editing and fact-checking it. Sometimes you get great articles by people who know what they're talking about. Other times you get complete nonsense. Writers are supposed to include references for their information for fact-checking purposes, but the references don't get published along with the article, so there is no way as a reader to verify the article's claims.
posted by payoto at 11:04 AM on January 27, 2013 [3 favorites]

Mod note: Useful context, but the Livestrong thing is kind of a derail, so let's not pursue that any further.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:33 AM on January 27, 2013

Pretty sure over 50% of the people I ever kissed had the cold sore virus, and pretty sure not one of them ever said anything about it.
posted by yarly at 11:44 AM on January 27, 2013

Just because the sores occur on the top set of lips rather than the bottom set doesn't change what they are. Although many people don't think of cold sores as an STD, they can become one via oral sex, then can spread to others through the "ST" route. So I would let partners know before kissing - or at least before oral sex - to let them decide their own comfort with the risk of contracting the virus either up above or down below.
posted by tentacle at 12:21 PM on January 27, 2013 [1 favorite]

I say try to bring it up as comfortably as possible, maybe over coffee or something. You don't deserve to be stigmatized but your parter(s) deserve fair warning.
posted by bardic at 10:46 PM on January 27, 2013

I would be very upset and likely dump someone who kept this info from me until after we'd kissed. _I_ get to decide my exposure. FTR, I have dated people with HSV.
posted by Anwan at 11:33 PM on January 27, 2013

Yes, my husband has it, and I was not thrilled when I found this out after we had already had an extensive physical relationship. I got over it, because I did a bit of research and realized I had probably already been exposed. But it was not pleasing to find out when he got an outbreak and suddenly told me we couldn't kiss for a while because of it.

It's not a very big deal, no, but it is kind of stigmatized in the US. When my friends or husband are having outbreaks no one ever says anything, but I do hear people making herpes jokes a lot more often than I like. Not every week, or anything, but still. It is something you should warn partners about, but if you have the stats to show that most people have already been exposed, it oughtn't be *that* much of a problem.

I don't get cold sores, by the way. I assume I have it, but we're still cautious about oral or oral-genital contact when he's having an outbreak.
posted by Because at 12:41 AM on January 28, 2013

Is it possible to pass it on without coldsores being present? I'm in the UK, cold sores aren't even thought of as 'herpes', and the only time I've ever brought it up is as 'Oh, I can feel a cold sore coming, don't kiss me'. It's never occured to me to discuss it prior to them appearing, and none of my long-term partners have got them this way. I would find it very unusual if someone felt the need to disclose that they get them at all, rather than a warning because one's on the way. I've never experienced anyone being upset for not doing this myself. It might be a cultural difference, but some of the answers up thread seem the kind of thing I would expect in relation to HIV or genital herpes, not cold sores.

If I have one, I don't share anything - lips, water bottles, lipbalm - until it goes. That's the only courtesy I've ever felt the need to take, so I'm wondering if I'm doing it wrong?
posted by mippy at 8:12 AM on January 29, 2013