Not sure if he likes me or not.
January 12, 2013 10:04 AM Subscribe
A guy called Matt used to flirt with me a lot and said I was one of the prettiest girls he has seen, asked me out but never went through with it, making me confused. I asked him out and he said yes but in the end nothing happened. I made out with his friend (did not know they knew each other) and yesterday Matt told me that he used to like me but wanted to take things slowly, but will not do anything now because of what happened. Is that just an excuse for him to reject me? Should I should just let this go? Thank you!
There is slow and then there is never happening, and now hes flat out told you NO. The reasons why matter not, hes not for you. Move along, and you'll be happier :)
posted by Jacen at 10:12 AM on January 12, 2013
posted by Jacen at 10:12 AM on January 12, 2013
It sounds like you're both doing a lot of rejecting each other... he should have followed through when he asked you out, yes, but you also didn't follow through when you asked him out... "in the end nothing happened" is a very vague way to phrase it, when once you asked him out it was your job to set specifics of time and place. Then you made out with someone else, so I'm sure he's feeling very rejected by you. To me, it sounds like you made too many mistakes here, and it's time to let this one go.
posted by brainmouse at 10:13 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by brainmouse at 10:13 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Someone who asks you out on a date but then never makes good on said date isn't worth trying to figure out. Matt sounds like he's got some maturing to do. (And chances are good he doesn't know what he feels himself, so be nice to him.) Move along. :)
posted by phunniemee at 10:25 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 10:25 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Matt told me that he used to like me
He already told you the answer: used to like you, isn't interested in you anymore.
posted by John Cohen at 10:31 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
He already told you the answer: used to like you, isn't interested in you anymore.
posted by John Cohen at 10:31 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Let it go. I think you dodged a bullet with this one; he sounds flakey.
posted by Specklet at 10:40 AM on January 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 10:40 AM on January 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
Matt sounds a little insecure and immature. Try not to take his issues personally, and don't worry about following up on this.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:47 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:47 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yes, let it go. It sounds to me like he's either flaky, or wasn't really that into you - he just wanted to flirt and compliment but didn't want to take it to the next level. Some people are better at talking than doing and Matt may be one of them.
If someone really wants a date to happen, they'll make it happen.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:48 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
If someone really wants a date to happen, they'll make it happen.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:48 AM on January 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
He sounds like he likes to complicate things. Dealbreaker!
posted by discopolo at 11:51 AM on January 12, 2013
posted by discopolo at 11:51 AM on January 12, 2013
This stuff happens. I had an almost identical situation a couple years ago -- long term flirtation with someone didn't really go anywhere despite all the dropped hints in the world, so I asked him out, and we had what I thought was a perfectly good date, but then he didn't kiss me, and the whole thing petered out soon after.
It always hurts a little when it happens, because obviously when you meet someone you like you want to see where it goes. But these things that fail to launch even to a low-grade casual dating situation? Meh. There's nothing you can really do, and it's better to chalk it up to "wasn't meant to be" and move on.
The only solution I've come up with is to ask people out decisively, early and often. Shit or get off the pot. That way it's apparent when it's not meant to be and you don't spend months in "OMG DO YOU LIKE ME????" junior high territory.
posted by Sara C. at 12:06 PM on January 12, 2013
It always hurts a little when it happens, because obviously when you meet someone you like you want to see where it goes. But these things that fail to launch even to a low-grade casual dating situation? Meh. There's nothing you can really do, and it's better to chalk it up to "wasn't meant to be" and move on.
The only solution I've come up with is to ask people out decisively, early and often. Shit or get off the pot. That way it's apparent when it's not meant to be and you don't spend months in "OMG DO YOU LIKE ME????" junior high territory.
posted by Sara C. at 12:06 PM on January 12, 2013
TV tells us that people meet and fall in love. Reality tells us that we are fragile creatures who want to avoid hurt and are quite often torn between our object of desire and wanting to protect ourselves from losing that object of desire. Even the "pick-up-artist" and "he's just not into you" types among us are all doing the same thing.
To answer your first question, Is that just an excuse for him to reject me?
It appears that he was into you enough to want to tell you how he felt about you but afraid of being hurt by you. So he said a lot of sweet things that he felt, but when push came to shove, he was taking it slowly--without telling you that's what he was doing. He inadvertently created what he feared by hanging out with you a lot, exposing you to his friend, who was willing to do something.
To answer your second question, Should I should just let this go?
You still like Matt. You are now looking to protect yourself from the hurt of what happened. I suggest neither ending your association or diving right in. Instead, reduce your contact with him so that you will have some protection, while leaving your options open. This may let him understand that he needs to overcome his fear to have you.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:13 PM on January 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
To answer your first question, Is that just an excuse for him to reject me?
It appears that he was into you enough to want to tell you how he felt about you but afraid of being hurt by you. So he said a lot of sweet things that he felt, but when push came to shove, he was taking it slowly--without telling you that's what he was doing. He inadvertently created what he feared by hanging out with you a lot, exposing you to his friend, who was willing to do something.
To answer your second question, Should I should just let this go?
You still like Matt. You are now looking to protect yourself from the hurt of what happened. I suggest neither ending your association or diving right in. Instead, reduce your contact with him so that you will have some protection, while leaving your options open. This may let him understand that he needs to overcome his fear to have you.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:13 PM on January 12, 2013 [5 favorites]
One reading of your question is "Matt told me that he used to like me but does not anymore because he found out from his friend that I had made out with the friend". Is that what you meant?
Now, everyone is entitled to like who they like for any reason they want, but I would not ever get involved with someone whose "like" for me disappeared because they discovered that I had kissed a friend of theirs. That kind of thing usually suggests that the guy has some unexamined ideas about purity ("girls who kiss too much are tainted!") and property ("I must be able to pretend to myself that this girl is mine alone, and I can only do that if I don't personally know any of the dudes she has kissed because if I know them I cannot ignore the fact that she has kissed them"). Also, it messes with the dating pool, since eventually a large percentage of your social circle will have dated and/or made out with each other, and if this fact freaks someone out then he is not a good option for dating.
If this is what's going on, it doesn't mean that Matt is an awful person, but he has some growing up to do.
A piece of advice: as you get older and pick better guys who have more in common with you, you won't have to worry so much about "but he stopped liking me!" because guys won't like or dislike you for stupid reasons nearly so often. If Matt was in fact interested in you primarily because he "thought you were pretty", well, the world is full of pretty girls and while that's an excellent basis for casual making out, it isn't nearly specific enough to make a relationship work.
posted by Frowner at 12:17 PM on January 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Now, everyone is entitled to like who they like for any reason they want, but I would not ever get involved with someone whose "like" for me disappeared because they discovered that I had kissed a friend of theirs. That kind of thing usually suggests that the guy has some unexamined ideas about purity ("girls who kiss too much are tainted!") and property ("I must be able to pretend to myself that this girl is mine alone, and I can only do that if I don't personally know any of the dudes she has kissed because if I know them I cannot ignore the fact that she has kissed them"). Also, it messes with the dating pool, since eventually a large percentage of your social circle will have dated and/or made out with each other, and if this fact freaks someone out then he is not a good option for dating.
If this is what's going on, it doesn't mean that Matt is an awful person, but he has some growing up to do.
A piece of advice: as you get older and pick better guys who have more in common with you, you won't have to worry so much about "but he stopped liking me!" because guys won't like or dislike you for stupid reasons nearly so often. If Matt was in fact interested in you primarily because he "thought you were pretty", well, the world is full of pretty girls and while that's an excellent basis for casual making out, it isn't nearly specific enough to make a relationship work.
posted by Frowner at 12:17 PM on January 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
since eventually a large percentage of your social circle will have dated and/or made out with each other
This has not been my experience, thankfully.
OP, there's nothing to let go of here. I can't tell you if it's just an excuse, if what you did with his friend was unexpectedly "more" than Matt's expectations of you, if his friend likes you, if he doesn't feel comfortable going out with somebody who made out with his friend, or what. All you really need to know if that he used to like you and now he doesn't.
posted by sm1tten at 12:39 PM on January 12, 2013
This has not been my experience, thankfully.
OP, there's nothing to let go of here. I can't tell you if it's just an excuse, if what you did with his friend was unexpectedly "more" than Matt's expectations of you, if his friend likes you, if he doesn't feel comfortable going out with somebody who made out with his friend, or what. All you really need to know if that he used to like you and now he doesn't.
posted by sm1tten at 12:39 PM on January 12, 2013
sounds like a jerk. good riddance.
posted by anthropomorphic at 3:28 PM on January 12, 2013
posted by anthropomorphic at 3:28 PM on January 12, 2013
What does "in the end nothing happened" mean specifically?
posted by Dansaman at 8:29 PM on January 12, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 8:29 PM on January 12, 2013
Matt is silly and needs to grow up. For whatever reason he was indecisive about whether he wanted to date you before. Now that you've moved on to other people, though, he's jealous and wants to hurt your feelings by telling you that he WOULD have wanted to be with you, if only you had not decided to make out with someone else after he failed twice, when openly invited, to make it clear that he wanted to be with you.
What were you supposed to do? Wait on a shelf somewhere until he made up his mind?
You sound young. So take some advice from an older lady: don't waste your time on boys who don't know what they want. Find out what you want out of life -- not just out of love, but of life -- and go after it.
posted by BlueJae at 9:19 PM on January 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
What were you supposed to do? Wait on a shelf somewhere until he made up his mind?
You sound young. So take some advice from an older lady: don't waste your time on boys who don't know what they want. Find out what you want out of life -- not just out of love, but of life -- and go after it.
posted by BlueJae at 9:19 PM on January 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everybody for the advice.
I am 21 and he is 22, and you're right, he is quite immature.
When I asked him out he said he would love to take me out and would let me know once he finished his deadlines, and in the end he never contacted me.
Basically it has been a bit painful because he was leading me on like that, but I will just forget him and focus on what I want out of life :)
Thank you.
posted by lovisa91 at 5:07 AM on January 13, 2013
I am 21 and he is 22, and you're right, he is quite immature.
When I asked him out he said he would love to take me out and would let me know once he finished his deadlines, and in the end he never contacted me.
Basically it has been a bit painful because he was leading me on like that, but I will just forget him and focus on what I want out of life :)
Thank you.
posted by lovisa91 at 5:07 AM on January 13, 2013
Matt is silly and needs to grow up. For whatever reason he was indecisive about whether he wanted to date you before. Now that you've moved on to other people, though, he's jealous and wants to hurt your feelings by telling you that he WOULD have wanted to be with you, if only you had not decided to make out with someone else after he failed twice, when openly invited, to make it clear that he wanted to be with you.
BlueJae hit the nail on the head with this lovely description. I regularly see a guy who treats me the same way as Matt treated you. He's 21, and hasn't got a clue what he wants in life, with the exception of attention from every pretty girl he sees. My strategy for dealing with him is in whatever way protects my feelings and doesn't tank my self-esteem. Hanging around guys like Matt will just erode your self worth and tie up your feelings unnecessary. The good, confident men who are crazy about you will not leave you guessing about their intentions.
Trust your instincts and do what makes you feel happy and whole. You can still be polite, but don't go out of your way to be friendly with these types of guys if it doesn't feel good.
posted by sunnychef88 at 11:18 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
BlueJae hit the nail on the head with this lovely description. I regularly see a guy who treats me the same way as Matt treated you. He's 21, and hasn't got a clue what he wants in life, with the exception of attention from every pretty girl he sees. My strategy for dealing with him is in whatever way protects my feelings and doesn't tank my self-esteem. Hanging around guys like Matt will just erode your self worth and tie up your feelings unnecessary. The good, confident men who are crazy about you will not leave you guessing about their intentions.
Trust your instincts and do what makes you feel happy and whole. You can still be polite, but don't go out of your way to be friendly with these types of guys if it doesn't feel good.
posted by sunnychef88 at 11:18 PM on March 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Some of my friends are more patient than me, but I refuse to put myself in a position where I am rejected (not if I could see it coming).
posted by misspony at 10:08 AM on January 12, 2013 [1 favorite]