Should i still go to the movies?
December 28, 2012 8:37 AM   Subscribe

Friend invited someone else to hang out with us should i still go?

I've(i'm 25, female) become good friends with the girl i work with(19 yrs old), and we've known each other for about 7-8 months now. We were talking the other day about how i haven't seen The Hobbit yet, and she suggested we go together and possibly hang out after. At the time i was all for it, until she said she was inviting her best friend along.

I'm an introvert and even more so when someone i don't even know, never met, don't know anything about comes with us. I turn super quiet and don't say much at all.

I've even started to talk myself out of it. Should i still go?
posted by ohtimorousme to Human Relations (26 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
If you like this woman, you might like her friend. A movie is pretty low-stakes for us introverts (you can just watch the movie in the darkness and let your friend talk to her friend).

You might make a new friend, since she's "pre-approved" by someone you get along with. If you don't like her, you've seen a movie you wanted to see.

I say go for it.
posted by xingcat at 8:38 AM on December 28, 2012 [15 favorites]

You should definitely still go. You wont have to talk or interact much at the movie, and it will be good socialisation practise.
posted by windykites at 8:39 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. I'm an "includer" by nature and always want to have as many friends there as possible.

If it's going to stress you out too much then don't go but if you think you can manage it, do it! You'll be seeing a three-hour movie so it's not like you're going to be talking the whole time anyway. And you might end up with another friend by the end of the night.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:39 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yes, you should. Her friend might also be real nice. You should go and attempt to make conversation as best as you are able, reminding yourself that seeing a movie means a lot of the time you'll be absolved of having to talk, anyway.

We believe in you!
posted by Greg Nog at 8:39 AM on December 28, 2012 [11 favorites]

absolutely. a movie is no pressure at all, since you don't have to talk. and it might turn out to be two friends for the price of one! all up side.
posted by anthropomorphic at 8:39 AM on December 28, 2012

Go for it! Enjoy the movie, talk to your friend some, and if you're comfortable with the friend's friend, talk to her too!

What do you have to lose?
posted by matty at 8:40 AM on December 28, 2012

Yes! It's possible your friend invited the other friend because she thought you'd get along. At some point in your life you didn't know your friend, and now you've become good friends with her. Whose to say the same thing won't happen? Then you'll have another friend!

Never pass up the opportunity to meet someone new, especially someone you already have something in common with. In this case you have your friend in common.

The worst that will happen is you don't care for this person. So you've spent three hours of your life in the company of someone you don't care for. That's not much of a risk when you consider the upsides.
posted by bondcliff at 8:40 AM on December 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Also, once you meet her, you will have met her. Then you can ask her questions and you will know stuff about her, and also have stuff to say. Also, you can always leave if it gets to be too mucch for you. Just plan an excuse ahead of time.
posted by windykites at 8:41 AM on December 28, 2012

Everyone has great reasons for you to go already, so I will just mention that flaking out for a reason that isn't, generally, socially acceptable is a good way to not get invited to do things. When people go do a casual social thing, they will bring other people. Trying to limit all your social interaction to 1:1 will flush out a lot of fun, interesting people both whom you've never met, and who don't want to hang out with a person who does not go to things they have agreed to go to.
posted by griphus at 8:41 AM on December 28, 2012 [10 favorites]

I agree with the people who think you should go. The movie will be the focus of attention, and you won't have to be confronted with the sort of awkward social interaction that (I assume) you fear.
posted by thelonius at 8:42 AM on December 28, 2012

You go to a movie and afterwards you actually have something in common to talk about... the movie. It is actually one of the easiest ways to meet someone new.

cripes yes.
posted by edgeways at 8:42 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Look at this outing as good practice for becoming more comfortable and social with people you've just met.
posted by orange swan at 8:46 AM on December 28, 2012

What griphus said. Don't talk yourself out of what will probably be a great time. One more person is no big deal, and you'll probably like her. You'll be fine.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:47 AM on December 28, 2012

Not going is a real good way to not get invited next time.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:47 AM on December 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

Go. Worst comes to worst you've seen a movie you wanted to see. Best case scenario you meet a new person and they are nice.
posted by wwax at 8:56 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you can be open about being shy, try telling your friend "I tend to get quiet and shy around people I don't know well. So if I end up all quiet, it's just how I am and it's nothing personal about you or your friend." Also, ask her some questions about her friend. That way you won't be walking in completely blind.
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:57 AM on December 28, 2012 [8 favorites]

Friend invited someone else to hang out with us should i still go?

Yes. It is considered socially appropriate to invite other people along to casual outings like this. It would be considered socially awkward or otherwise red-flaggy to bail out because you can't handle another guest (particularly when the outing is a movie where you won't be socializing with each other too much, anyway). You should be a gracious friend and still go. Look at it as the opportunity to go to the movie with your friend and her other friend, not a burden/crisis.
posted by deanc at 9:15 AM on December 28, 2012

I understand the anxiety around being an introvert. It's frustrating to be inhibited from expressing who you are around unfamiliar people. I'm sure you were looking forward to the ease of a night out alone with your friend. But I agree that this new situation is a good opportunity. Some suggestions:

Ask your friend to tell you a bit about the new person. You may already have something in common.

Prepare for the post-movie hang out time.
- Read a few reviews of the movie. You can talk about what the reviewers said -- to hold up your end of the conversation without having to formulate your own opinion on the fly.
- Always read the news before you go out to socialize. And the sports highlights.
- Have some good photos ready to show. A couple pics of your pets. A small number of images from your travels.

Good luck.
posted by valannc at 9:16 AM on December 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

I feel you, I tend to clam up around strangers too. But I agree with the posters above that if she's a friend of a friend, you'll likely like her, and moreover a movie is probably the least social-interaction-heavy activity you could go do. So go out! And yeah it's totally fine to warn your friend about your shyness (she's likely already aware of it, no?)--in my experience people are generally more comfortable with 'openly shy' people than with someone they think dislikes them or is judging them somehow.
posted by Papagayo at 9:20 AM on December 28, 2012

I think I hear where you're coming from – you agreed to one type of outing with your friend, and then the paramaters changed without your input. I have a friend that used to do that all the time, and I would have a hard time with it.

But! If you want a different type of event with your friend another time, you can take the initiative to set something up yourself. For now, assume your friend is trying her best, and – as folks outline above – roll with it. It might be fun.

Or don't go, but accept the consequences.
posted by suprenant at 9:34 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

You should still go. It'll be fun. Probably you will make a new friend. You'll have a lot to talk about after the movie.

If you should decide not to go anyway (you should not decide this, but just in case), I would advise against saying that it's because she invited another person to come along as well. If she doesn't have a lot of experience with extreme introverts, she will be a little confused and very possibly she will get the mistaken impression that you were thinking of this as a date.

But if she's known you for seven months, then she probably knows you get shy around new people. Just go and have a good time. I have psyched myself out of going to any number of fun things, and regretted it immensely, whereas every time I've overcome my misgivings and just given myself a shove and gotten off my ass, I've had a great time.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:34 AM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I actually think it will be easier with 3 people! The group is still small enough for the small group dynamics, but with an extra person, there will be less pressure on you or your friend to constantly make conversation. You will have another person to help carry the conversation, which will be beneficial to you. Plus you might meet a new friend!

Also, bailing because another person is coming might make it seem like you thought this movie was a date situation - I had to check the wording of the question to make sure that was not the case.
posted by fermezporte at 9:36 AM on December 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

You are a quiet person when meeting new people, and the other woman is your friend's best friend. It is likely when you go out for drinks after the movie that they will end up talking a lot with each other while you remain silent.

I am not trying to dissuade you, just to tell you that this
a) is a normal dynamic given the people involved
b) does not reflect badly on you (you'll just look quiet, but not boring or embarassing or something) It also won't reflect badly on the other two (they will not intend to exclude you. Of course it is nice if they have to social awareness to make sure you get your turn to talk, but they're 19.)
c) shouldn't discourage you.

If you don't feel like talking, don't. Listen and enjoy the people you are with. It's only a bad thing if you start to worry about how you are not contributing to the conversation or that they probably hate you or something.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:24 AM on December 28, 2012 [4 favorites]

I was in this situation many times during my introvert stage and now, a decade later, I realize that the times I skipped out due to extra people, that I missed out on some fun times. I agree with everyone else above--go to the movie!
posted by buttercup at 4:07 PM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

The fact that movies are often said to be the worst date ideas because they allow for almost no interaction might comfort you.

No one's said this explicitly, but by dropping out now you may find yourself with fewer invites in the future.
posted by jander03 at 4:09 PM on December 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

As a fellow introvert, you have my sympathies.

If you don't want to go, I think a simple, "Sorry, but I'm just not up to meeting new people right now. Can we hang out together sometime next week?" should work. I've done this in the past and my friendships don't appear to have suffered for it. I'm a fair bit older than you, though, and I think people tend to be more accommodating of others' quirks as they grow older.

Another alternative could be to bring one of your own friends along. Then you'll have somebody to talk with, and it should help you feel more comfortable, too.
posted by Georgina at 4:19 AM on December 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

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