My question is, I try to be busy but it still sneaks up on me should I be worried? Also, I do talk to her mom once in a while, should I stop doing that?
December 21, 2012 10:13 AM Subscribe
I posted a question about a breakup at the begining of the month. It's been almost a month now and I'm getting better. I still get sadness, anxiety. Having troubling sleeping still. I'm still trying to the to do the no contact thing but she did call me the other day thinking it was a emergency but it wasn't. I think it set me back. My question is, I try to be busy but it still sneaks up on me should I be worried? Also, I do talk to her mom once in a while, should I stop doing that?
Ending a relationship is like quitting smoking. You still want to be in that relationship, even if you know it's not good for you. Every now and then, it feels like you just cannot handle not being in that relationship. You tell yourself, "Okay, if I just do this one little thing that I know I shouldn't, it'll be okay..." Things that are totally unrelated hit you like a hammer ("Oh, she once had a coat that was this color..." "She would have liked this song...").
Eventually, those impulses come farther and farther apart. You don't obsess as much, you pay less attention to mutual friends in case they say something about her... And one day, you wake up and realize it's been three days since you thought about her. That day won't be tomorrow. It won't be three days from now. But it'll come.
Until then, yeah, stop talking to her mom. And tell her mom why you're doing that, so maybe she won't try to contact you either.
posted by Etrigan at 10:18 AM on December 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Eventually, those impulses come farther and farther apart. You don't obsess as much, you pay less attention to mutual friends in case they say something about her... And one day, you wake up and realize it's been three days since you thought about her. That day won't be tomorrow. It won't be three days from now. But it'll come.
Until then, yeah, stop talking to her mom. And tell her mom why you're doing that, so maybe she won't try to contact you either.
posted by Etrigan at 10:18 AM on December 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Honey, it's only been a month. It makes total sense that you would still go through periods of sadness even now. You'll go back and forth a lot for a few more months still - the sad parts will come less and less frequently, though.
Cutting contact with her mom will make it go a bit faster, but you'll still have those periods of sadness.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:20 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Cutting contact with her mom will make it go a bit faster, but you'll still have those periods of sadness.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:20 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
It's tough going through what you're going through, especially at this time of the year. I'd stop talking to her mom, but let her know why and that it's because you think it will help you move forward. Also, you may want to consider blocking your ex's number. I'll go that route in a no contact situation because it makes the fact that I'm not hearing from the other person the result of MY decisions (at least as much as theirs) and knowing they can't call me keeps me from stressing over how to handle it if they try. I hope you've blocked her on social media, too. One foot in front of the other will get you through this.
posted by alphanerd at 10:27 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by alphanerd at 10:27 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
The way you're feeling sounds completely normal to me. It's only been a month! There's no set time for how long it takes to stop grieving. In some cases, it's taken me a couple years to feel 100% over the person.
I think you should stop talking to her mom though. It's a way of keeping yourself attached to your ex and might stand in the way of your healing.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:43 AM on December 21, 2012
I think you should stop talking to her mom though. It's a way of keeping yourself attached to your ex and might stand in the way of your healing.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:43 AM on December 21, 2012
Breakups are universally sucky, and (as people have said upthread) it is totally understandable that you'd still be having moments of sadness over this. A month is not a long time when you had been planning a lifetime.
My suggestions for you
1. Really believe that what you are currently going through (your periods of sadness, bits of anxiety, having these feelings still sneak up on you) is all totally normal. You aren't "doing it wrong". You aren't being weak. It isn't like you're being a big wuss screaming bloody murder and being upset for weeks over a stubbed toe. The end of a relaionship is a hard thing to go through. You're grieving. You are going through what most people go through when they break up. It sucks but it is NORMAL. Don't feel bad for that.
2. Quit talking to her mom. I think it would be nice to briefly explain to her why, and then stop. I can't think of a single reason why you would need to keep talking with her, and I can think of about a billion reasons why it is a bad idea. So quit with that. Now. And while you're at it, block your ex's phone number.
3. Anticipate that you're going to occasionally struggle. There will be moments where you have those pangs of sadness. Rather than beat yourself up over them, why not plan for them? Have a contigency plan in place. Regularly put a little bit of money aside and when you have one of those days, go out and do something fun for yourself. Go see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a new game, whatever! Make it fun and happy and self-indulgent. bonus points if it is out with people. Plan to spoil yourself on those days so that the sad feelings don't overtake and you don't wallow.
4. Have faith that you're going to have fewer and fewer bad days, and in time you will be totally over this. It will take time but it will happen.
I'm cheering for you, dude. Break ups suck but you can get through it.
What has helped ME in the past on the sad days when I am struggling is to remind myself that it is because of THEM that I feel that bad. I develop an inner dialogue something like "what a jerk, putting me through all this pain and upset! Freg, this sucks and this is THEIR FAULT! I'm glad to be rid of them! Screw feeling sad over them, I'm going to go have an awesome time because they aren't worth being sad over." ... in summary, I channel my breakup sadness in to breakup anger and use that to motivate me to move on.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:46 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
My suggestions for you
1. Really believe that what you are currently going through (your periods of sadness, bits of anxiety, having these feelings still sneak up on you) is all totally normal. You aren't "doing it wrong". You aren't being weak. It isn't like you're being a big wuss screaming bloody murder and being upset for weeks over a stubbed toe. The end of a relaionship is a hard thing to go through. You're grieving. You are going through what most people go through when they break up. It sucks but it is NORMAL. Don't feel bad for that.
2. Quit talking to her mom. I think it would be nice to briefly explain to her why, and then stop. I can't think of a single reason why you would need to keep talking with her, and I can think of about a billion reasons why it is a bad idea. So quit with that. Now. And while you're at it, block your ex's phone number.
3. Anticipate that you're going to occasionally struggle. There will be moments where you have those pangs of sadness. Rather than beat yourself up over them, why not plan for them? Have a contigency plan in place. Regularly put a little bit of money aside and when you have one of those days, go out and do something fun for yourself. Go see a movie, meet a friend for coffee, buy a new game, whatever! Make it fun and happy and self-indulgent. bonus points if it is out with people. Plan to spoil yourself on those days so that the sad feelings don't overtake and you don't wallow.
4. Have faith that you're going to have fewer and fewer bad days, and in time you will be totally over this. It will take time but it will happen.
I'm cheering for you, dude. Break ups suck but you can get through it.
What has helped ME in the past on the sad days when I am struggling is to remind myself that it is because of THEM that I feel that bad. I develop an inner dialogue something like "what a jerk, putting me through all this pain and upset! Freg, this sucks and this is THEIR FAULT! I'm glad to be rid of them! Screw feeling sad over them, I'm going to go have an awesome time because they aren't worth being sad over." ... in summary, I channel my breakup sadness in to breakup anger and use that to motivate me to move on.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:46 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
No more talking to mom. I really liked my ex's mom and sort of missed her after we broke up, so I get where you are coming from, but I think you have to let go of mom too in order to properly heal. You don't have to be rude about it. You can explain why you need to break off contact.
You'll get better, it just takes time. Make sure to keep busy, like busy every single day never stay in your apartment go to a meet up if you need to, busy. The busier you are the less you will think about your ex.
posted by bananafish at 11:12 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
You'll get better, it just takes time. Make sure to keep busy, like busy every single day never stay in your apartment go to a meet up if you need to, busy. The busier you are the less you will think about your ex.
posted by bananafish at 11:12 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
The problem with talking to her mom is that eventually she'll say something that totally traumatizes you. That's how I found out an ex was engaged and WAY too much about that whole situation, in all of maybe three sentences. It's not worth the risk since it's a dead end situation anyway. Stop talking to the mom and make space in your heart for your next partner's mom.
posted by salvia at 12:23 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 12:23 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:17 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]