How to stop my colleague undermining me at work?
December 19, 2012 12:30 PM Subscribe
At work, my slightly-more-experienced colleague makes a habit of saying subtle and/or ambigious cricitisms, disguised as innocent remarks. I spoke to management about it recently but they couldn't see the problem. How should I deal with a work colleague who tries to undermine me and make me look bad, but who is subtle enough not to get caught?
Management said bullying was a serious allegation and there was no evidence my colleague intended to imply anything negative with her remarks. On the face of it her remarks do sound innocent, but she uses implication, inference and hypothetical scenarios to convey that I"m not capable in my job, that I'm gay*, that I'm inappropriately dressed for work etc.
I'm convinced these implications are no accident, but instead my colleague is trying to undermine me and make me look bad. I'm having trouble proving what I think - most of it is communicated through tone of voice, body language, precise choice of words.
My colleague doesn't do anything wrong when management are around - in fact she is totally sweet and innocent and is otherwise a good employee. Some people see this colleague as a "pot-stirrer" but many miss/ignore the implications of what she is saying. She has some friends who will help defend her, whereas people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.
How do I deal with this subtle, undermining sort of bullying if management isn't going to help?
How do I stop myself from getting bullied in the first place?
*I want to point out I have no issue with gay people / homosexuality at all, in fact I come from quite a liberal culture. But my colleague, and many of our my workmates come from a different culture, where being gay is seen as a mortal sin / something to be ashamed of. Management seems to accept this stance as being part of this large minority group's religious and cultural beliefs.
Management said bullying was a serious allegation and there was no evidence my colleague intended to imply anything negative with her remarks. On the face of it her remarks do sound innocent, but she uses implication, inference and hypothetical scenarios to convey that I"m not capable in my job, that I'm gay*, that I'm inappropriately dressed for work etc.
I'm convinced these implications are no accident, but instead my colleague is trying to undermine me and make me look bad. I'm having trouble proving what I think - most of it is communicated through tone of voice, body language, precise choice of words.
My colleague doesn't do anything wrong when management are around - in fact she is totally sweet and innocent and is otherwise a good employee. Some people see this colleague as a "pot-stirrer" but many miss/ignore the implications of what she is saying. She has some friends who will help defend her, whereas people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.
How do I deal with this subtle, undermining sort of bullying if management isn't going to help?
How do I stop myself from getting bullied in the first place?
*I want to point out I have no issue with gay people / homosexuality at all, in fact I come from quite a liberal culture. But my colleague, and many of our my workmates come from a different culture, where being gay is seen as a mortal sin / something to be ashamed of. Management seems to accept this stance as being part of this large minority group's religious and cultural beliefs.
If you are behaving professionally and doing your best, there is a very, very small chance this kind of thing will affect your career long-term. You've said here that people recognize this person is a "pot-stirrer"; why do you think anyone would take anything she says about you seriously? In my experience, employees like this typically dig themselves into holes in the end by alienating their coworkers and proving themselves more interested in other people's business than their own work. Just keep your head down, do a good job, be pleasant and friendly to your coworkers, and pretend nothing is amiss. Don't stoop to her level and she will probably lose interest and move onto someone else.
posted by something something at 12:36 PM on December 19, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by something something at 12:36 PM on December 19, 2012 [9 favorites]
If she's not actually doing it in front of management, and your colleagues don't notice, then she's either not doing it to make you look bad or she's going about it completely backwards. She may be trying to bully you or get you to change behavior that she thinks is inappropriate (the two are not the same, really) but that's not something you can take to management at this point.
There are two ways to deal with this. One is just ignoring the implications. Take what she's saying at face value, don't respond to whatever subtext you're seeing, and don't worry about it. If she really is trying to get you to respond to the subtext, she'll escalate, and you can deal with it then.
Two, bring the subtext up. When she hints that your clothes are inappropriate, say "Are you saying that this skirt is too short for work?" Make her have the conversation out loud. This will either embarrass her into leaving you alone, or, again, it will make it an Actual Thing that you can then deal with directly.
Me, I'd go with option one because I have perfected a wide-eyed innocent look that kills nonsense like this dead, and I don't actually care enough to dig this sort of issue up into the light, but if you are happier dealing with it directly, then by all means go for it.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:38 PM on December 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
There are two ways to deal with this. One is just ignoring the implications. Take what she's saying at face value, don't respond to whatever subtext you're seeing, and don't worry about it. If she really is trying to get you to respond to the subtext, she'll escalate, and you can deal with it then.
Two, bring the subtext up. When she hints that your clothes are inappropriate, say "Are you saying that this skirt is too short for work?" Make her have the conversation out loud. This will either embarrass her into leaving you alone, or, again, it will make it an Actual Thing that you can then deal with directly.
Me, I'd go with option one because I have perfected a wide-eyed innocent look that kills nonsense like this dead, and I don't actually care enough to dig this sort of issue up into the light, but if you are happier dealing with it directly, then by all means go for it.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:38 PM on December 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
Age-old wisdom: bullies pick victims based on reaction & vulnerability
Use her provocations as inspiration material while working out
Give her no-reaction at all (professional & wiser move) or, if it's just the two of you, you can kind of fuck with her (deadpan: "I'm going home and burning my wardrobe")
posted by MangyCarface at 12:39 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Use her provocations as inspiration material while working out
Give her no-reaction at all (professional & wiser move) or, if it's just the two of you, you can kind of fuck with her (deadpan: "I'm going home and burning my wardrobe")
posted by MangyCarface at 12:39 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
How does it impact you in the workplace, other than pissing you off?
Now I hate this shit, but really, unless you can document, not only that she's being specificly inappropriate, but that it's hurting you in some way, HR and your manager aren't going to get involved.
Now, in my world I'd sidle up to her ear and say, "Jasmine, stop it, I'm working here. Do I come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth?" But I can get away with it.
Personally, I think you've poisoned your well. You're trying to foment revolution against someone and instead of keeping it to yourself, you're enlisting everyone you can think of. It's childish. Adults don't let this stuff get to them. Because it's stupid. Here's how your boss now perceives you, "Jasmine is being MEAN to me! She says nasty things and hurts my feelings." God help you if you're female and your boss is male. God help me, if that's the case.
Have to tried to speak with her directly about it? If not, why not? Does she intimidate you?
At this point, leave for another job. Ignore her as much as you can, and stop talking about the situation with other people.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:41 PM on December 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
Now I hate this shit, but really, unless you can document, not only that she's being specificly inappropriate, but that it's hurting you in some way, HR and your manager aren't going to get involved.
Now, in my world I'd sidle up to her ear and say, "Jasmine, stop it, I'm working here. Do I come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth?" But I can get away with it.
Personally, I think you've poisoned your well. You're trying to foment revolution against someone and instead of keeping it to yourself, you're enlisting everyone you can think of. It's childish. Adults don't let this stuff get to them. Because it's stupid. Here's how your boss now perceives you, "Jasmine is being MEAN to me! She says nasty things and hurts my feelings." God help you if you're female and your boss is male. God help me, if that's the case.
Have to tried to speak with her directly about it? If not, why not? Does she intimidate you?
At this point, leave for another job. Ignore her as much as you can, and stop talking about the situation with other people.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:41 PM on December 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
You should read Suzette Haden Elgin's The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence (or perhaps the work version, which I have never read) which will help you pinpoint what this person is saying and how they are saying it in order to have plausible deniability, and also how you can respond to it without looking like the person who is causing a problem. It sounds like an absurd book, but it really unpacks things well.
posted by jeather at 12:43 PM on December 19, 2012 [21 favorites]
posted by jeather at 12:43 PM on December 19, 2012 [21 favorites]
Be completely professional around her. Give her no personal openings at all, including rising to her oh-so-subtle bait. That is to say, you don't respond to her tone or implications, only the purportedly innocent words she uses. Do not discuss this with her or others. If she crosses the line, note that in a journal. If she goes over the line repeatedly, formalize your complaint with your documentation to your immediate boss. Never, ever, place personal trust in her.
The trap here for you is responding to her, or trying to document edge of the line behavior. That's what this is about, and it's what you don't want to fall for.
posted by bearwife at 12:43 PM on December 19, 2012
The trap here for you is responding to her, or trying to document edge of the line behavior. That's what this is about, and it's what you don't want to fall for.
posted by bearwife at 12:43 PM on December 19, 2012
I agree with others - don't respond to her. I had it driven home to me just today how much someone's actual performance at work matters over perceived shortcomings. Go in to work, be as professional as possible, and let your work speak for itself. This lady's nonsense will only be to her own detriment, in the end.
posted by LN at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by LN at 12:46 PM on December 19, 2012
I will add that the downside to responding to the subtext is if she claims there isn't any (and witnesses believe her, which it sounds like they will,) you kind of look like a lunatic, and your premature approach to management also tends in that direction.
(There is a third option if you're female, which is beginning a relentless yet deniable flirting campaign, which I might possibly be bloody-minded enough to endorse, but really it sounds like you're not on secure enough social footing to attempt it.)
posted by restless_nomad at 12:48 PM on December 19, 2012
(There is a third option if you're female, which is beginning a relentless yet deniable flirting campaign, which I might possibly be bloody-minded enough to endorse, but really it sounds like you're not on secure enough social footing to attempt it.)
posted by restless_nomad at 12:48 PM on December 19, 2012
1. Watch Downton Abbey, Are You Being Served?, The Golden Girls, etc for lessons in how to deliver snide remarks and the potential retorts at your disposal.
2. ....
3. Profit.
Seriously though, you can either react with the same or ignore it, you really have no other option short of wearing a wire and attempting to explain to management how when your coworker said "Well Bless your little Heart" it actually meant "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of". I'd not recommend the latter.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
2. ....
3. Profit.
Seriously though, you can either react with the same or ignore it, you really have no other option short of wearing a wire and attempting to explain to management how when your coworker said "Well Bless your little Heart" it actually meant "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of". I'd not recommend the latter.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
I am not sure exactly what sort of things she says, but sometimes I've had a bit of luck looking someone in the eye and saying "What do you mean?" Or "I'm not sure how to take that." Calm. Not defensive, not angry.
As annoying as she may be, it's not likely she really poses a threat to you. It may be she doesn't quite feel comfortable with you or doesn't like you much. It's unpleasant, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's out to sabotage you. It could even be that this is her way of being funny or flirting. I make subtle digs at people I *like* - sometimes it takes me a while to catch on that they are not enjoying it, and I let it go.
It could also be you - I mean this gently. There are some people I just won't ever see in a good light because they set off alarm bells for me in a way I can't explain.
It's a good idea to ask yourself: What is the REAL risk that she poses? Break it down. Often this helps me realize that ok, I don't like the person, I don't like what they are doing, but they aren't really a threat.
And avoid her without being obvious about it.
posted by bunderful at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2012
As annoying as she may be, it's not likely she really poses a threat to you. It may be she doesn't quite feel comfortable with you or doesn't like you much. It's unpleasant, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's out to sabotage you. It could even be that this is her way of being funny or flirting. I make subtle digs at people I *like* - sometimes it takes me a while to catch on that they are not enjoying it, and I let it go.
It could also be you - I mean this gently. There are some people I just won't ever see in a good light because they set off alarm bells for me in a way I can't explain.
It's a good idea to ask yourself: What is the REAL risk that she poses? Break it down. Often this helps me realize that ok, I don't like the person, I don't like what they are doing, but they aren't really a threat.
And avoid her without being obvious about it.
posted by bunderful at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2012
I would just laugh the sort of amused, tolerant laughter that people laugh when someone has attempted to do something amusing and failed because they are bad at life. Laugh in her face. Shake your head a little sympathetically at her sad insecurities that make her act this way.
And seriously if someone is fucking insinuating that you are a gay person and as such are less competent at performing your job because of your sexuality and management is allowing this to happen, find a new job and fucking report the entire workplace to your local/state LGBT advocacy group as a place that allows hate speech.
posted by elizardbits at 12:56 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
And seriously if someone is fucking insinuating that you are a gay person and as such are less competent at performing your job because of your sexuality and management is allowing this to happen, find a new job and fucking report the entire workplace to your local/state LGBT advocacy group as a place that allows hate speech.
posted by elizardbits at 12:56 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
If I were in your position, here's what I'd do: I'd stop listening to her when she talks about me, and I'd start listening to her when she talks about other people.
Watch her behavior with others; is she doing it to other people? Keep a close eye and a close ear. Is she saying similar things? Do people seem to be reacting negatively to her? If not, then consider the possibility that it is your own perceptions that are adding weight and import to her perhaps ill-conceived but not mean-spirited commentary.
However, if she is saying similar things to other people, or you see people reacting to her in similar ways as you do, take someone else who witnessed it aside later and just ask "hey, I need a favor. [person] tends to rub me the wrong way, and I'm having trouble figuring out if it's her behavior that's the problem, or if I have issues that I need to work on that aren't her fault." Then: "I noticed earlier that [person] [did the thing that you noticed] to [other person]. Did that bother you? Because I trust your judgment, and it would have bothered me, so if it didn't bother you it would be helpful to know that maybe I'm reading too much into it."
This should be done discreetly and in good faith; that is, you must genuinely have a desire to see if it is you or her, not a desire to have your own concerns validated. Many people in the world let things roll off their backs unless they're blatant, and since your primary concern is how others view you when she treats you this way, understanding how others feel when they see a third party treated this way will give you insight on whether it is something you should be concerned about or not.
Believe it or not, when we see bad behavior, others often do, too, if our perception is realistic and reasonable. If nobody else -- literally -- can see it, then it's a good bet that either you're in a terrible culture of people that you should be nowhere near (meaning terrible for you, or terrible in general, hard to say which), or your perceptions are really out of whack. Start looking at it from that angle.
posted by davejay at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
Watch her behavior with others; is she doing it to other people? Keep a close eye and a close ear. Is she saying similar things? Do people seem to be reacting negatively to her? If not, then consider the possibility that it is your own perceptions that are adding weight and import to her perhaps ill-conceived but not mean-spirited commentary.
However, if she is saying similar things to other people, or you see people reacting to her in similar ways as you do, take someone else who witnessed it aside later and just ask "hey, I need a favor. [person] tends to rub me the wrong way, and I'm having trouble figuring out if it's her behavior that's the problem, or if I have issues that I need to work on that aren't her fault." Then: "I noticed earlier that [person] [did the thing that you noticed] to [other person]. Did that bother you? Because I trust your judgment, and it would have bothered me, so if it didn't bother you it would be helpful to know that maybe I'm reading too much into it."
This should be done discreetly and in good faith; that is, you must genuinely have a desire to see if it is you or her, not a desire to have your own concerns validated. Many people in the world let things roll off their backs unless they're blatant, and since your primary concern is how others view you when she treats you this way, understanding how others feel when they see a third party treated this way will give you insight on whether it is something you should be concerned about or not.
Believe it or not, when we see bad behavior, others often do, too, if our perception is realistic and reasonable. If nobody else -- literally -- can see it, then it's a good bet that either you're in a terrible culture of people that you should be nowhere near (meaning terrible for you, or terrible in general, hard to say which), or your perceptions are really out of whack. Start looking at it from that angle.
posted by davejay at 12:57 PM on December 19, 2012 [6 favorites]
short version: stop trying to get people to agree with you that she's terrible, and start listening to what other people actually do think of her, then use that information to see if your own perception is out of whack.
posted by davejay at 12:58 PM on December 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by davejay at 12:58 PM on December 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
Agreeing with others not to feed the troll.
But also important: Document this behaviour. One little file on your computer recording everything, as updated each time it happens. Doesn't have to be detailed, just the date and a quick comment. Keep it to yourself until needed.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
But also important: Document this behaviour. One little file on your computer recording everything, as updated each time it happens. Doesn't have to be detailed, just the date and a quick comment. Keep it to yourself until needed.
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:10 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Well, I would be tempted to say to her in an ever so slightly confidey tone, "You know, Trollina, I'm gay."
Before she can respond, continue, "Yes, Trollina, I'm gay, happy, cheerful, vivacious, and gamesome today. It's the ideal mindset for a productive day's work." Then go your way visibly rejoicing, perhaps humming "I Feel Pretty" or, if male, "There Is Nothing Like A Dame". Be sure to do this when nobody else is around.
Also, document.
posted by tel3path at 1:24 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Before she can respond, continue, "Yes, Trollina, I'm gay, happy, cheerful, vivacious, and gamesome today. It's the ideal mindset for a productive day's work." Then go your way visibly rejoicing, perhaps humming "I Feel Pretty" or, if male, "There Is Nothing Like A Dame". Be sure to do this when nobody else is around.
Also, document.
posted by tel3path at 1:24 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Some people see this colleague as a "pot-stirrer" but many miss/ignore the implications of what she is saying. She has some friends who will help defend her, whereas people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.
I'm going to go against the general grain here and suggest that maybe she isn't really doing what you think she is doing. You don't document anyone in your question who agrees with you that this is occurring, including your own friends (although this might just be an artifact of how you wrote your question). You also haven't provided any examples of the things she has said or done that would illustrate this behavior. I bring this up not because it changes what your response should be (I essentially agree that you either ignore it or ask her for clarification in a non-confrontational way), but because at this point you seem to risk doing damage to yourself professionally by accusing her of these behaviors. It's worth asking yourself if there could be other explanations for what you see as bad behavior, and adjusting your workplace demeanor such that you don't make unverifiable accusations against colleagues.
posted by OmieWise at 1:28 PM on December 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'm going to go against the general grain here and suggest that maybe she isn't really doing what you think she is doing. You don't document anyone in your question who agrees with you that this is occurring, including your own friends (although this might just be an artifact of how you wrote your question). You also haven't provided any examples of the things she has said or done that would illustrate this behavior. I bring this up not because it changes what your response should be (I essentially agree that you either ignore it or ask her for clarification in a non-confrontational way), but because at this point you seem to risk doing damage to yourself professionally by accusing her of these behaviors. It's worth asking yourself if there could be other explanations for what you see as bad behavior, and adjusting your workplace demeanor such that you don't make unverifiable accusations against colleagues.
posted by OmieWise at 1:28 PM on December 19, 2012 [10 favorites]
What OmieWise said. I have encountered one person who operated almost exclusively through insinuation, but even so, over time, a documentation trail would have shown a pattern.
That still wouldn't mean it would have been productive to engage them on any of it, though. Not only would it have made me look bad, but such people become truly frustrated the more you take their words at face value.
posted by tel3path at 1:32 PM on December 19, 2012
That still wouldn't mean it would have been productive to engage them on any of it, though. Not only would it have made me look bad, but such people become truly frustrated the more you take their words at face value.
posted by tel3path at 1:32 PM on December 19, 2012
unfortunately i have dealt with this exact coworker. and unfortunately, she is the best kind of bully--one who does it out of sight of authority/others and who therefore cannot be punished for it.
to those asking what she is actually doing to harm you? um--it's demoralizing and upsetting and depressing to go to work everyday and have someone tell you that you can't do you job, that you're a hated class of person, and so forth. it's creating and environment that makes you uncomfortable and unable to perform your job at 100% effectiveness and plus ruins your day.
the advice to "ignore her" is really hard to follow when this kind of interaction is day in and day out.
who knows why she has it out for you, but she does. and she will likely continue to bully you until you leave. standing up to her once in a fabulous brilliant blaze of glory might work, or it might get you let go.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:58 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
to those asking what she is actually doing to harm you? um--it's demoralizing and upsetting and depressing to go to work everyday and have someone tell you that you can't do you job, that you're a hated class of person, and so forth. it's creating and environment that makes you uncomfortable and unable to perform your job at 100% effectiveness and plus ruins your day.
the advice to "ignore her" is really hard to follow when this kind of interaction is day in and day out.
who knows why she has it out for you, but she does. and she will likely continue to bully you until you leave. standing up to her once in a fabulous brilliant blaze of glory might work, or it might get you let go.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:58 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Are you sure she's only doing it to you?
I have a co-worker like this, and she's awful; but I realized eventually that she was doing it to everyone. And now when I think I've had just about enough and am going to let her have it, I remind myself that behaving like this is a sign of true, deep unhappiness and that it's not easy going through life like that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:09 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have a co-worker like this, and she's awful; but I realized eventually that she was doing it to everyone. And now when I think I've had just about enough and am going to let her have it, I remind myself that behaving like this is a sign of true, deep unhappiness and that it's not easy going through life like that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:09 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
How do I deal with this subtle, undermining sort of bullying if management isn't going to help?
Make sure everybody likes you more than her. Then when she says negative things about you, they will frown and be nonresponsive to her instead of smiling. And if she continues to do it after those cues, they will gradually begin to socially ostracize her of their own accord.
How do I stop myself from getting bullied in the first place?
Maybe joke to a few of your friends (in private, without the bully present) that she's actually trying to flirt with you in a passive-aggressive way, like little boys in a schoolyard who throw rocks at girls they're attracted to. Then when she does these subtle digs at you, just catch your friends eyes and wink (or nod knowingly), and ask her to tell you more. If done properly, they'll start to smirk about her behavior, and she'll sense that people are laughing at her but won't know why.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 2:39 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Make sure everybody likes you more than her. Then when she says negative things about you, they will frown and be nonresponsive to her instead of smiling. And if she continues to do it after those cues, they will gradually begin to socially ostracize her of their own accord.
How do I stop myself from getting bullied in the first place?
Maybe joke to a few of your friends (in private, without the bully present) that she's actually trying to flirt with you in a passive-aggressive way, like little boys in a schoolyard who throw rocks at girls they're attracted to. Then when she does these subtle digs at you, just catch your friends eyes and wink (or nod knowingly), and ask her to tell you more. If done properly, they'll start to smirk about her behavior, and she'll sense that people are laughing at her but won't know why.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 2:39 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh heavens no, do not try to rope your coworkers into some backstabby plot. You'll end up with the knife in your own back.
Be calm, strong, and mature. Don't stoop to Mean Girl hijinks in the workplace, please.
posted by nacho fries at 3:29 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Be calm, strong, and mature. Don't stoop to Mean Girl hijinks in the workplace, please.
posted by nacho fries at 3:29 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, pseudo-sexualizing your co-worker's comments (by gossiping to other co-workers, and tittering about her "flirting") could open up a big ol' can o' Sexual Harassment against *you*. Yikes. Creating a sexually-charged environment ain't cool.
posted by nacho fries at 3:45 PM on December 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by nacho fries at 3:45 PM on December 19, 2012 [3 favorites]
Can you tell us what you took to your management? If it's more specific than what you wrote (or could otherwise give us specifics), that may change the sort of responses you're getting here. If it's about as specific as what you wrote, I could understand why management would find it difficult to act on, even if what you're describing from your coworker is happening.
What you are describing is a real thing, and I believe you when you say it's happening.
In any case, you keep from being bullied by confronting problem behavior and standing up for yourself well. (This means handling things face to face, assuming good faith and seeking to improve the relationship, having a plan, not letting your emotions get the better of you, admitting your role in the problem, staying focused, and following through.) It's a skill I learned, and one I actually used today with good results. I recommend Crucial Confrontations in addition to The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense (at Work).
posted by alphanerd at 3:55 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
What you are describing is a real thing, and I believe you when you say it's happening.
In any case, you keep from being bullied by confronting problem behavior and standing up for yourself well. (This means handling things face to face, assuming good faith and seeking to improve the relationship, having a plan, not letting your emotions get the better of you, admitting your role in the problem, staying focused, and following through.) It's a skill I learned, and one I actually used today with good results. I recommend Crucial Confrontations in addition to The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense (at Work).
posted by alphanerd at 3:55 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Management does not care that someone is unpleasant for you to work with. Management cares that the people doing the work are efficient and effective.
You have brought your opinion of another coworker to management as a complaint. You didn't have evidence of it or of any unprofessional conduct, and you didn't show that it was affecting productivity or the bottom line. You also apparently didn't address it directly with your coworker first, which for adults/professionals should have been your first action. *And* you have talked with numerous other coworkers about it, which is gossip and, although common, completely unprofessional, especially as you are trying to develop alliances against the other person. This is really not ideal behavior for the workplace; you have essentially criticized a coworker behind her back with no evidence.
Management said bullying was a serious allegation and there was no evidence my colleague intended to imply anything negative with her remarks .... people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.
I would be very careful from here on out. Management has made clear to you that they believe your complaint was not only unfounded but wrongheaded.
Are you sure you're being bullied? I say this as a person whose amygdala is on hyperdrive 24/7 and I absolutely don't want to minimize what you're feeling ... but it could be more a personality conflict than actual bullying (which I have to agree with your managers, that's a loaded term and a very serious allegation). In the workplace you need to have a rather thick skin sometimes to succeed. As in most cases, I think humor and detachment are the most appropriate responses here.
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
You have brought your opinion of another coworker to management as a complaint. You didn't have evidence of it or of any unprofessional conduct, and you didn't show that it was affecting productivity or the bottom line. You also apparently didn't address it directly with your coworker first, which for adults/professionals should have been your first action. *And* you have talked with numerous other coworkers about it, which is gossip and, although common, completely unprofessional, especially as you are trying to develop alliances against the other person. This is really not ideal behavior for the workplace; you have essentially criticized a coworker behind her back with no evidence.
Management said bullying was a serious allegation and there was no evidence my colleague intended to imply anything negative with her remarks .... people I'm friendly with say they don't want to get involved or want to be friends with everyone.
I would be very careful from here on out. Management has made clear to you that they believe your complaint was not only unfounded but wrongheaded.
Are you sure you're being bullied? I say this as a person whose amygdala is on hyperdrive 24/7 and I absolutely don't want to minimize what you're feeling ... but it could be more a personality conflict than actual bullying (which I have to agree with your managers, that's a loaded term and a very serious allegation). In the workplace you need to have a rather thick skin sometimes to succeed. As in most cases, I think humor and detachment are the most appropriate responses here.
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
I worked with Arch(Enemy) Annie a few years ago! Start employing the following phrases:
"Why would you say that?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Wow, do you realize what that sounded like?"
Lather, Rinse, Repeat for any personal or non-business related utterances from this person. Don't engage her in anything that is not directly business related as she will use those conversations as an in to undercutting you once again. Then you can say (in a bored tone):
"I would like to care about your opinion but I find that I do not." And walk away.
posted by jaimystery at 5:21 PM on December 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
"Why would you say that?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Wow, do you realize what that sounded like?"
Lather, Rinse, Repeat for any personal or non-business related utterances from this person. Don't engage her in anything that is not directly business related as she will use those conversations as an in to undercutting you once again. Then you can say (in a bored tone):
"I would like to care about your opinion but I find that I do not." And walk away.
posted by jaimystery at 5:21 PM on December 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
I really can't believe some of the suggestions of "things to say back to her" by some commenters... but anyway...
I think headnsouth has the right perspective on this. There will always been some person in your workplace who you just don't get along with because of personality conflicts. It happens all the time and management knows this. In fact, your manager may have once been in your position. Instead of asking them what they can do about her, you might want to approach it the other way around and see if they have any advice for you to improve your working relationship with her.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 10:46 PM on December 19, 2012
I think headnsouth has the right perspective on this. There will always been some person in your workplace who you just don't get along with because of personality conflicts. It happens all the time and management knows this. In fact, your manager may have once been in your position. Instead of asking them what they can do about her, you might want to approach it the other way around and see if they have any advice for you to improve your working relationship with her.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 10:46 PM on December 19, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
[Ignore their uber subtle behavior which makes it not fun for them to rag on you]
posted by skrozidile at 12:33 PM on December 19, 2012 [9 favorites]