Ugly Breakup
December 19, 2012 12:27 PM Subscribe
Where do I begin......
Ok let's go…sorry for my writing, Im french.. :P
I have been single for about 7 years.
Last winter went on my regular trip with a friend, came back…and decided to peek a little on my Dating Website.
Wow ended up checking a nice profile…oulala interesting young male.
Send him a message, WROTE me back, back and forth back and forth…wow I was chocked and amazed that Finally had a nice conversation throw email and finally decided to meet him.
The day finally arrived, we meet :)
We connected right away,I was really physically attracted to him, had an awsome date with him, wouldn't wanted to leave :).
The next day, we meet again for cooffee. Conversation was good, we had a chemistry….as I thought we had…
Things quickly started to be Official after couple of dates…and this guy was upfront to me and starting to be really honnest. Actuallly, he was an ex-addict, who did prison couple of times for drugs related/fights, went to rehab couple of times too, but was rebuilding his life , had a nice job , was still living at his sobriety home.
I had my own condo, my own thing so he metnionned after only a month of dating, maybe we should try and live together.I didn't really think straight, I was still in my bubble so …I finally accepted it…He had a way of saying things at his advantage. So he took his clothes and his bike and moved in.
AFTER the move, things started to be a little bit out of hand.
This guy TOOK OVER my place as his own , bought a bulldog (has a never had a dog before in my life because I knew the responsiblities who came with it), smoked weed like crazy inside my place. I started to really feel that I had pretty much nothing say and accept I he was. I took the dog like my own, took care of her, walked her ect…He introduce me to his familly I really connected with his mother!!!His familly was great :)
The only thing he did was somking weed, watch tv and eat basically.
When I started to ask him to come with me at gathering with my friends or weeddings ect, HE REFUSES all the time, and we fought about that alot,he was really agressive with his words. I really didn't like that at all. Only 4 months of the relationship, I started to cry all the time, asking myself what was going on in my life. I didn't do anymore photography, I didn't see my friends as often as I used to and my familly either. He was not interested to come in my familly and try to know my people. That really hurts my feeling. He was always right I was always wrong basically. I started to really being depressed and at my work things starting to reflect as I was less and less focus. I knew at some point, he could totally hit me, he was violent not physically but emotionnally and I knew that one time things would eventually escalated and the possiblitiy of him hitting me was possible. I started to panic inside. Try to fix him. I couldn't. I really try and blended the way he wanted me…but my body rejected it.
Finally, I decided to leave him….
It was not easy, he was in denial and didn't understand me at all.He was screaming that he would change, stop smoking weed and spending all his money on weed, come with me with my friends and familly ect He was very angry and then sad and then super angry and then he understood the man he was and we were not compatible for eachother. I wrote him a nice email and said that I was going to live at my mom for awhile and let him my place and space for him to try and find a new home. I gave him 2 weeks. I said that i didn't want any contact with him... no more 10 min voicemail at my work, or texts or phonecalls. I thought that dealing with all of that seperately would be better for us. And after the dust be down, we could sit down and talk…but I just couldn't at this time.
He finally stopped calling me and harassing me. The day of the move arrived and I didnt' hear from him…I waited all day…at the end of the day I ask my best friend to go see my place if he was out, As i was kinda afraid of him a mixed feeling I knew something was not right.
And here is the PUNCH….HE STOLE EVERYTHING …my couch, Flat screen plasma tv, my laptop with allll my pictures and souvenirs, some deco, a beautiful lamp in my room, my plunger (LOL), my condoms, my lingerie, glasses, cups, pots and pans, my AC, vaccum, my sheets like ALOT of things. I WAS sooo shocked and sad and angry at the same time I couldn't believe what situation I was in.
He left a nice letter, saying that I was a coward to had done this, I put him in debts, I deserve it, it was only fair what he did, and he finally said Anyways..Go Fuck yourself!
I was completaly out of my mind. I couldn't belive what he did…I just couldn't believe it at all, I was devastated.
I called the cops, filed a report and couple of days later I found out my insurances was not covering this robbery as he was ''living'' with me and he had a kea. I was again completaly depressed. This is all my stuff I accumulate since 10 years ago….he basically refurnished his new place with all my shit!!!!!I was very upset!!!!!
And 4 days after the robbery, I was sooo curious to see if he was online, sure enough he was fully active again on the same website we meet with pictures that I took and ready to settle again with a ''special someone''…WTF!!!!! I was pissed off!!!What a Con-Artist or what??!! I couldn't believe it again!!!! All of my friends and familly are completaly on my side and my close familly helped me alot coping with all of that…...
The status of my situation now, is the police is investigating on him and try to have my stuff back.
I want to know, how the hell I can go on with my life now???I have a rage inside of me and I don't think it's really healthy….I am seeing a counsellor, that's helping me a bit. Any advices????
Thank you sooo much :)
Ok let's go…sorry for my writing, Im french.. :P
I have been single for about 7 years.
Last winter went on my regular trip with a friend, came back…and decided to peek a little on my Dating Website.
Wow ended up checking a nice profile…oulala interesting young male.
Send him a message, WROTE me back, back and forth back and forth…wow I was chocked and amazed that Finally had a nice conversation throw email and finally decided to meet him.
The day finally arrived, we meet :)
We connected right away,I was really physically attracted to him, had an awsome date with him, wouldn't wanted to leave :).
The next day, we meet again for cooffee. Conversation was good, we had a chemistry….as I thought we had…
Things quickly started to be Official after couple of dates…and this guy was upfront to me and starting to be really honnest. Actuallly, he was an ex-addict, who did prison couple of times for drugs related/fights, went to rehab couple of times too, but was rebuilding his life , had a nice job , was still living at his sobriety home.
I had my own condo, my own thing so he metnionned after only a month of dating, maybe we should try and live together.I didn't really think straight, I was still in my bubble so …I finally accepted it…He had a way of saying things at his advantage. So he took his clothes and his bike and moved in.
AFTER the move, things started to be a little bit out of hand.
This guy TOOK OVER my place as his own , bought a bulldog (has a never had a dog before in my life because I knew the responsiblities who came with it), smoked weed like crazy inside my place. I started to really feel that I had pretty much nothing say and accept I he was. I took the dog like my own, took care of her, walked her ect…He introduce me to his familly I really connected with his mother!!!His familly was great :)
The only thing he did was somking weed, watch tv and eat basically.
When I started to ask him to come with me at gathering with my friends or weeddings ect, HE REFUSES all the time, and we fought about that alot,he was really agressive with his words. I really didn't like that at all. Only 4 months of the relationship, I started to cry all the time, asking myself what was going on in my life. I didn't do anymore photography, I didn't see my friends as often as I used to and my familly either. He was not interested to come in my familly and try to know my people. That really hurts my feeling. He was always right I was always wrong basically. I started to really being depressed and at my work things starting to reflect as I was less and less focus. I knew at some point, he could totally hit me, he was violent not physically but emotionnally and I knew that one time things would eventually escalated and the possiblitiy of him hitting me was possible. I started to panic inside. Try to fix him. I couldn't. I really try and blended the way he wanted me…but my body rejected it.
Finally, I decided to leave him….
It was not easy, he was in denial and didn't understand me at all.He was screaming that he would change, stop smoking weed and spending all his money on weed, come with me with my friends and familly ect He was very angry and then sad and then super angry and then he understood the man he was and we were not compatible for eachother. I wrote him a nice email and said that I was going to live at my mom for awhile and let him my place and space for him to try and find a new home. I gave him 2 weeks. I said that i didn't want any contact with him... no more 10 min voicemail at my work, or texts or phonecalls. I thought that dealing with all of that seperately would be better for us. And after the dust be down, we could sit down and talk…but I just couldn't at this time.
He finally stopped calling me and harassing me. The day of the move arrived and I didnt' hear from him…I waited all day…at the end of the day I ask my best friend to go see my place if he was out, As i was kinda afraid of him a mixed feeling I knew something was not right.
And here is the PUNCH….HE STOLE EVERYTHING …my couch, Flat screen plasma tv, my laptop with allll my pictures and souvenirs, some deco, a beautiful lamp in my room, my plunger (LOL), my condoms, my lingerie, glasses, cups, pots and pans, my AC, vaccum, my sheets like ALOT of things. I WAS sooo shocked and sad and angry at the same time I couldn't believe what situation I was in.
He left a nice letter, saying that I was a coward to had done this, I put him in debts, I deserve it, it was only fair what he did, and he finally said Anyways..Go Fuck yourself!
I was completaly out of my mind. I couldn't belive what he did…I just couldn't believe it at all, I was devastated.
I called the cops, filed a report and couple of days later I found out my insurances was not covering this robbery as he was ''living'' with me and he had a kea. I was again completaly depressed. This is all my stuff I accumulate since 10 years ago….he basically refurnished his new place with all my shit!!!!!I was very upset!!!!!
And 4 days after the robbery, I was sooo curious to see if he was online, sure enough he was fully active again on the same website we meet with pictures that I took and ready to settle again with a ''special someone''…WTF!!!!! I was pissed off!!!What a Con-Artist or what??!! I couldn't believe it again!!!! All of my friends and familly are completaly on my side and my close familly helped me alot coping with all of that…...
The status of my situation now, is the police is investigating on him and try to have my stuff back.
I want to know, how the hell I can go on with my life now???I have a rage inside of me and I don't think it's really healthy….I am seeing a counsellor, that's helping me a bit. Any advices????
Thank you sooo much :)
You need to tall to a lawyer. He was probably legally a tenant or something that will allow you to pursue him in court.
posted by fshgrl at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2012 [5 favorites]
Well go ahead and be angry, it will protect you in the future!
I think you learned from this? That you should be suspicious of any man that moves too fast and especially who tries to move in with you very early or do anything that involves combining assets? Especially if you already know he is an addict and has done jail time. Any man has to prove himself over a long enough period of time, even one without a criminal record!
I know that MeFi will scream when I say this but a good book for someone in your situation is "The Rules". Yes it is twee, yes it is sexist and assumes that all you want out of life is a white wedding with sugar on top, but you need to pay attention to the things it asks you to *do* because *doing* those things will give you time to watch and see how the man*behaves*. Another essential book is "Why Men Love Bitches" for graceful boundary setting. I don't care how much MeFi hates these books, they are good remedial reading for someone who has had the experience you did. I literally screened out more than one man who later turned out to be a real wrongdoer by paying attention to these books against my natural inclinations (and one of them had a social façade so convincing that a lot of people would have been - and were - fooled).
posted by tel3path at 12:45 PM on December 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think you learned from this? That you should be suspicious of any man that moves too fast and especially who tries to move in with you very early or do anything that involves combining assets? Especially if you already know he is an addict and has done jail time. Any man has to prove himself over a long enough period of time, even one without a criminal record!
I know that MeFi will scream when I say this but a good book for someone in your situation is "The Rules". Yes it is twee, yes it is sexist and assumes that all you want out of life is a white wedding with sugar on top, but you need to pay attention to the things it asks you to *do* because *doing* those things will give you time to watch and see how the man*behaves*. Another essential book is "Why Men Love Bitches" for graceful boundary setting. I don't care how much MeFi hates these books, they are good remedial reading for someone who has had the experience you did. I literally screened out more than one man who later turned out to be a real wrongdoer by paying attention to these books against my natural inclinations (and one of them had a social façade so convincing that a lot of people would have been - and were - fooled).
posted by tel3path at 12:45 PM on December 19, 2012 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Yes, That is what i will do. Thanks for taking the time to wrote me !
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:45 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:45 PM on December 19, 2012
I would sue him. (I'm American, it's my first response to everything.)
Do you have recourse in the courts? If the stuff was worth under $5,000, then we'd sue in small claims court. If more than that, you can still sue in civil court.
It may or may not be worth it though. I'd do it, just to fuck with him and let him know I'm not weak.
Also, if his family is nice, call them and see if they will intercede on your behalf.
Other than that, look on it as a lesson. A really horrible lesson.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:47 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do you have recourse in the courts? If the stuff was worth under $5,000, then we'd sue in small claims court. If more than that, you can still sue in civil court.
It may or may not be worth it though. I'd do it, just to fuck with him and let him know I'm not weak.
Also, if his family is nice, call them and see if they will intercede on your behalf.
Other than that, look on it as a lesson. A really horrible lesson.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:47 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I will sure do read those books :) Thanks again!!!!!
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:48 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:48 PM on December 19, 2012
Also, expect to feel bad for a long time. There is a lot of pressure to bounce back quickly, and if you can, that's great, but experiences like this are very injurious and recovery can just take time. So don't feel bad about feeling bad! *Behave* with dignity and remember that anger and sadness are only feelings and you have a right to feel them in the privacy of your heart.
posted by tel3path at 12:49 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by tel3path at 12:49 PM on December 19, 2012
Sue the bastard, and get your stuff back. There's no way this is legit. I am not a lawyer.
posted by oceanjesse at 12:49 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 12:49 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Im from Canada and yes, its worth little under 5000$, I will persue to small claims court! I called his mother the morning after and told the story...I had a feeling that she was not that shoked...I was completaly angry and was saying how mean this is...She said that he is 37 years old and that he is not under her responsability anymore!!!!
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:50 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by Butterflies47 at 12:50 PM on December 19, 2012
Mod note: Butterflies47, I hope Ask Metafilter can be useful for getting you some practical advice on this crappy situation, but this is not a chatroom or a space to vent. You can comment if you need to post followup information or clarifications about questions folks have, but beyond that you need to not do a lot of commenting in here yourself.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:54 PM on December 19, 2012
You can probably pursue your items thought the civil courts; realisitically though, he will probably destroy anything of value to you and it will take time, energy and money that would probably be better pent on healing yourself.
For your (completely understandable) rage - try working out/doing a really physical activity to burn through some of it. I am so sorry, you don't deserve this.
posted by saucysault at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2012
For your (completely understandable) rage - try working out/doing a really physical activity to burn through some of it. I am so sorry, you don't deserve this.
posted by saucysault at 12:55 PM on December 19, 2012
Do what you can to pursue recourse (notify the dating website about what happened, work with the police, speaking with a lawyer for a free consultation) but try to move on.
You are not going to get your possessions back. You are not going to get $5000 back.
It will take about a year for you to recover emotionally from this. But try to move on. And don't log into that website ever again.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2012
You are not going to get your possessions back. You are not going to get $5000 back.
It will take about a year for you to recover emotionally from this. But try to move on. And don't log into that website ever again.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:59 PM on December 19, 2012
Oh, since you are in Canada you may want to reconnect with the police but the domestic violence division, (let them know who else you have contacted on the police force). Also reach out to your local battered women shelter (you can do it by phone) to find out what local specific resources you may have access too.
You mentioned he was in prision before, any chance he has a probation officer you can contact too?
posted by saucysault at 1:00 PM on December 19, 2012 [7 favorites]
You mentioned he was in prision before, any chance he has a probation officer you can contact too?
posted by saucysault at 1:00 PM on December 19, 2012 [7 favorites]
Depending on your exact location, you might have other recourse. Certainly you can go to small claims court -- having the letter might well help you there -- though you will have to deal with collections on your own. You might also want to reread your insurance policy to be sure it really does exclude this theft.
posted by jeather at 1:09 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 1:09 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]
You might want to get a lawyer to deal with your insurance company, or just give you a second opinion on your insurance policy.
I just had a car accident that involved two supposedly reputable insurance companies (mine and the other party's) and I STILL had to call my old attorney and clarify the law/threaten court to get the coverage my state guarantees me as the "victim" in the accident. No kidding.
Also, that sounds like more than $5,000 worth of items. Do you get full replacement value under your policy, or current value?
Seriously. Go back to the insurance company after speaking to an attorney.
Similarly, do NOT stop calling the police and following up there. If they bring charges for "theft" it will absolutely improve your insurance claim's chances.
Get A Lawyer.
posted by jbenben at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
I just had a car accident that involved two supposedly reputable insurance companies (mine and the other party's) and I STILL had to call my old attorney and clarify the law/threaten court to get the coverage my state guarantees me as the "victim" in the accident. No kidding.
Also, that sounds like more than $5,000 worth of items. Do you get full replacement value under your policy, or current value?
Seriously. Go back to the insurance company after speaking to an attorney.
Similarly, do NOT stop calling the police and following up there. If they bring charges for "theft" it will absolutely improve your insurance claim's chances.
Get A Lawyer.
posted by jbenben at 1:15 PM on December 19, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wow, what an absolute scum bag! I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. I hope you know now to take things slow with someone you are getting to know. Never move in with someone if it's been less then a year. I would even wait more then a year...
Hopefully things work out and you can get all your things back!
posted by Autumn89 at 3:44 PM on December 19, 2012
Hopefully things work out and you can get all your things back!
posted by Autumn89 at 3:44 PM on December 19, 2012
I agree with jbenben, $5000 doesn't sound like nearly enough. Carefully consider what it will cost you to replace everything that you've lost. The little things really add up. Where are you in Canada? In BC, you can sue for up to $25,000 in small claims court.
posted by keep it under cover at 7:33 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by keep it under cover at 7:33 PM on December 19, 2012
Just to say you sound like a very sweet person and I hope everything works out OK. Small claims court is a good recommendation.
posted by rmmcclay at 10:26 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by rmmcclay at 10:26 PM on December 19, 2012
I don't know how good this advice is but I've known of a couple people way back who'd gotten a police officer to go with them to retrieve their stuff. This was when someone kicked them out after a break up and didn't want to give it back. Seeing a police officer at the door makes people more cooperative.
If you have the receipt for you TV or anything else, you have proof of ownership. It's a long shot but you're not out anything to ask if an officer could go with you to retrieve items you can proof are yours.
The other angle you could try is to see if your ex has a parole officer. If he's been in jail for drugs, he might still be under supervision. If he is, I'd call him and straight up tell him to return your stuff or you'll contact his parole officer and let him know of the theft.
Do keep checking in with the police about your case. Be polite but don't let it drop. I think you have a shot of getting some of your stuff but you're going to have to be determined about it. Good luck and be careful of the scammers out there! Sorry you're having to deal with this.
posted by stray thoughts at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you have the receipt for you TV or anything else, you have proof of ownership. It's a long shot but you're not out anything to ask if an officer could go with you to retrieve items you can proof are yours.
The other angle you could try is to see if your ex has a parole officer. If he's been in jail for drugs, he might still be under supervision. If he is, I'd call him and straight up tell him to return your stuff or you'll contact his parole officer and let him know of the theft.
Do keep checking in with the police about your case. Be polite but don't let it drop. I think you have a shot of getting some of your stuff but you're going to have to be determined about it. Good luck and be careful of the scammers out there! Sorry you're having to deal with this.
posted by stray thoughts at 2:37 PM on December 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
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I hope the police are successful in getting your stuff back, but even if they're not, it might be a price worth paying to have gotten this guy out of your life.
Try to find some new activities to fill the space left. Physical activity's good for getting the rage out, but anything new might help. Ask your friends for suggestions -- it can be easier to try new things with a friend.
Good luck!
posted by asperity at 12:35 PM on December 19, 2012