Is it normal to have a fluctuating body image?
December 17, 2012 6:35 PM   Subscribe

Do most people have stable perception of their own attractiveness?

I feel like I don't have a very stable perception of my own looks. Frequently I feel like I am pretty, but occasionally I'll see myself in a random mirror or I'll see a particular photograph of myself and it will turn my whole self-perception topsy turvy with regards to my attractiveness. Suddenly, I'll feel that I've been laboring under a huge misapprehension that I'm basically attractive, and I'll feel that actually I am basically unattractive. I realize this is fairly unhealthy. How normal is it? I know self-interpretation in mirrors is different than in photos, etc. but how much variance do people normally perceive?

Objectively, I feel like I don't have enough information to know whether I am good looking or not or not. I get attention from time to time, but then, I have some acne scars from my late teens, and crooked teeth and I don't objectively know how much influence these factors have. Is it important for people to know where they stand in terms of attractiveness, or is it all a self esteem issue - be confident with what you've got, etc.?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (35 answers total) 22 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think it's pretty normal. I regularly look at myself in the mirror and think "ugh, huge hooked nose, crooked teeth, squinty eyes... it's a mess." Then the next day my thoughts are more "Damn right I'm a good-looking son of a bitch. Fuck yeah, go me!" I can assure you, my actual appearance is not all that variable.
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:36 PM on December 17, 2012 [8 favorites]


But acne scars and crooked teeth can be changed, so if either bugs you, you can do something about it. I usually think I look pretty darn good, and try not to put my self in a situation that might cause me to change my mind. (Although when I got a new glasses prescription, I was sort of stunned at (a) how dirty my house was and (b) all those new "laugh lines". ) I don't like ugly photos of myself, so I delete 'em and keep the ones I like.
posted by Ideefixe at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I can always tell when I've had too much to drink because I go from looking relatively normal-decent-good (how I feel I normally look) to weirdly pasty and freckley with funny teeth and a sideways nose. This has been one of the tough things for me in getting in shape and eating right. If I wake up being all "Go me I am in AWESOME SHAPE today!" I may not eat right because hey, mission accomplished, right? It's good to have some objective-ish things (I weigh this much, my pants fit this well) to help give you a bit of a reality check.
posted by jessamyn at 6:42 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


It's a forest-for-the-trees thing. No one spends as much time closely and critically examining your face and body as you do. So, after a while, the flaws become glaring and the stuff that isn't the flaws gets washed out because it's the, well, stuff that isn't "bad." Except, short of disfiguring knife-fighting scars and meth teeth (rather than the acne scars and crooked teeth we all have), it's the flaws that other people don't notice, and the other stuff that they do.

The best thing you can do is assume you are good-looking regardless of what sort of feedback you're getting from your brain, and take care of yourself. Confidence in your appearance, regardless of the appearance itself, goes a long way.
posted by griphus at 6:45 PM on December 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


Rating of my day to day self under fluorescent lights: 6
Rating of my gym self on the treadmill: 5
Rating of my just rolled around in bed with a stable life partner self: 8
Rating of my gussied up single self out on the town: 8
Rating of my 5 drinks drunk dancing self: fucking A is for AWESOMETOWN USA !! 10! 11!

Sometimes I look in the mirror and see the types of things you are talking about - not perfect skin, weird teeth, inconsistent hair, etc and it just starts to all look like a disjointed group of parts that cannot possibly form an attractive whole.

When this happens I walk away from the mirror/offending facebook photos/stupid pants and decide to keep demanding that people pay attention to me anyway. We all have good days, bad days, regular days and on and on. Don't sweat it.
posted by skrozidile at 6:50 PM on December 17, 2012 [31 favorites]


This happens to me. I asked my mom, and she said it happens to her also and has worsened as she's gotten older as, "the gap between how awesome I look and how awesome I feel widens."
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:54 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I regularly swing from one end of the perception spectrum to the other; from I'm hot to I'm a she-beast. I do believe this is why phenomenons like camera phobia and dressing room meltdowns exist.
posted by cecic at 6:58 PM on December 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


You have to remember that people respond to a bunch of things about you, that they don't look all that closely at one frame of your movement. You're too dynamic to gauge properly through one photograph. It all depends on lighting, mood, facial expression, The way you dress. etc.
posted by discopolo at 7:01 PM on December 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


I think this is probably the normalest thing. Pay attention to settings, too; whenever I'm in a bathroom in an office building I think "OH MY GOD I HAVE THE WORST SKIN KNOWN TO MAN" because JESUS I look terrible there, then other times I'll be washing my hands at home and I'll be like "Who is that really pretty woman with the nice hair and charming freckles?". Both lighting and mood can have a huge effect on this.

Also, I would go with "be confident with that you've got". If there's stuff you can and want to change, go for it; if you don't, that's fine too. I'm just now in the process of coming to terms with the idea that maybe it's okay to spend some time thinking about my appearance and it won't make me a shallow vapid harpy (I'm twenty-eight) so if it's helpful you have permission from The Internet to think about your appearance if you want to. In that vein, I would say grooming is often more important than looks; if you look at "attractive" people you'll often realize that in fact they are people who have taken more time and care with (and possibly have more knowledge about how to optimize) their appearance. If you want that to be you, do some research on flattering haircuts and colors of clothing and stuff and maybe start getting facials (even if you are a guy; it could really help). Otherwise, hey, forget it, your time is limited and it's not that big a deal.

Basically yes, everyone's perception of their own attractiveness goes up and down a lot and it's really up to you to prioritize how important being "attractive" is. It's your time and effort and money so use it the way you want.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:02 PM on December 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


It's totally hormonal. There's a point in my cycle where I'm basically a supermodel in my own mind and then another few days where I feel like a grimy pillsbury doughboy but with worse hair.
posted by fshgrl at 7:06 PM on December 17, 2012 [20 favorites]


I perceive a ton of variance. In my bathroom mirror at home? Mostly OK. Catching a glimpse of myself as I walk past a shiny storefront window? OK. But the mirrors at some stores, for some reason whenever I see myself in them, I'm shocked at how horrible I look. Also CCTV cameras whenever I catch myself in one, it's like, oh fuck, I never realized I look like such a dork. I think there's a real disconnect between my self-image and how I'm actually perceived by others. But, you know, nobody has ever come up to me and outright told me I'm ugly and look like a dork, so I live with knowing that I'll never really know how I come off, and the reality is somewhere in between my idealized self-image and my worst fears about myself. (except if I were to watch a candid video of myself which of course I'm never going to do willingly).
posted by pravit at 7:06 PM on December 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I must have some really flattering lights in my bathroom, because I look awesomesauce in my bathroom mirror, but I look totally different in the mirror at work. Now I understand why they sell makeup mirrors with different kinds of lighting. Are you looking at yourself in different kinds of lighting conditions? That probably accounts for a lot of it.

Is it important for people to know where they stand in terms of attractiveness, or is it all a self esteem issue - be confident with what you've got, etc.?

I have known objectively attractive people who hated how they looked and objectively plain people who were confident as all get-out, and the confident ones got 100x the attention. I would say it's about 50% pure confidence, 30% rockin' whatever you've got, and 20% good genes.
posted by desjardins at 7:25 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


(By "rockin' whatever you've got" I mean choosing clothes that flatter your body type, etc.)
posted by desjardins at 7:25 PM on December 17, 2012


It's normal.
posted by wilful at 7:40 PM on December 17, 2012


As a teenager (and even through college and my early post-college years) I had a really hard time telling whether I was adequately attractive or not. I think this had a lot to do with fluctuating self-esteem and dizzying hormonal surges and so forth. Now that I'm over 30, I'm pretty much seeing the same okay-looking-but-often-tired-and-kind-of-overly-serious face in the mirror everyday. And since I no longer worry about my weight or breast size, I pretty much look at my slightly flabby toddler mom body with C-section scar and say, "Yup. There it is."
posted by daisystomper at 7:42 PM on December 17, 2012


It's all context: lighting, hormones, liquor, etc. Poor lighting is especially unflattering. Which I think contributes a lot to peoples' dissatisfaction with their appearance in photographs. I think also that, unless you've just washed ashore clinging to oil-drenched wreckage, you're most probably perfectly attractive. And maybe even then too.

I can always tell when I've had too much to drink because I go from looking relatively normal-decent-good (how I feel I normally look) to weirdly pasty and freckley with funny teeth and a sideways nose.
The very same transformation occurs whenever I have a few too many snorts of Picasso Vodka. Especially the nose thing.
posted by Pudhoho at 7:49 PM on December 17, 2012


Is it important for people to know where they stand in terms of attractiveness, or is it all a self esteem issue - be confident with what you've got, etc.?

FWIW, I've felt subpar (scrawny, short, prone to greasiness - and now with a receding hairline) for the last 20+ years.

Before I met my partner, I typically cut myself off before I even got started, dating-wise. I got to watch some crushing rejections of guys who didn't have a good sense of their own attractiveness, but have also seen some goofy-looking guys with appealing personalities and guts date wildly "above their league".

The universe seems to be on the side of beautiful people, and then average people with beautiful personalities, in that order. If you're not beautiful, confidence and charm are everything, and being able to set aside whatever misgivings you have about your looks to let those shine through are critical.
posted by ryanshepard at 8:07 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Another vote for normal; a lot of it, to me, feels emotional in origin. A touch of depression, stress, etc. and I am just disgusted with my appearance.
posted by Miko at 8:16 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't at all. Sometime I think I'm pretty decent looking and other times I can barely look in the mirror. One constant factor that affects this is how recently I've shaved (I look better without facial hair) but yeah, it really varies.

I would say in general though I have pretty low self-esteem.
posted by Fister Roboto at 8:27 PM on December 17, 2012


What everyone else said, but also the fact that there's no such thing as "being attractive" or "not being attractive." There's no objective scale. Attractiveness depends not only on the observer but on the circumstances too.
posted by threeants at 8:32 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Some of it's normal, but what I usually think is more, "Wow, I look awful" (right now) - "Wow, I look bad when I slouch," or, "Wow, I look pasty and tired as hell" (and, hey, I AM tired! Also office bathroom lighting is evil).

Attractive people also have bad-looking pictures or angles. It's a matter of how you look in reality when you're moving, when you're smiling and talking and laughing - how you look in a still image doesn't say half of it.
posted by Lady Li at 8:37 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yes, this is normal, especially:

Objectively, I feel like I don't have enough information to know whether I am good looking or not or not.

This is basically how I feel all the time, but I'm married and I get compliments so I must be doing ok. And when I have bad days I just keep my head down and trying not to think too much about it. Self deprecation is fun too, as long as it's light-hearted. Like today I have a lovely zit on my cheek that I've been calling an egg sac full of spiders. Please do hatch soon, baby spiders?
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:42 PM on December 17, 2012


I don't know if it's normal, but it's sure as hell common. Attractiveness is ridiculously subjective, so you may as well be confident with what you've got. And if you're anything like me, call a moratorium on any changes to your appearance when you're under the influence of hormones/anxiety/depression.

There's always that one week when I'm sure doing 'something' with my hair is the solution to everything and I have almost always lived to regret it. YMMV.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:12 PM on December 17, 2012


Normal for me. I mostly don't think about how I look at all, and I actually look in a mirror quite rarely, but when I do put in a query, the answer back ranges from "fit and attractive" to "yes, that face is a human face" to "what *did* you do to that nose?" None of these are useful because the range is so wide, so I mostly just don't think about it.
posted by nat at 9:52 PM on December 17, 2012


Totally normal. One of the things that threw me for a loop was that the way you look in a mirror is not the way others necessarily see you. I have seen people with not quite symmetrical faces look very different in person than what we would see when looking in window (or mirror) at same time.

Everyone has good days and bad days.

Not sure if it is directly relevant, but just saw this article about Victoria Secret model Cameron Russell speaking for 10 minutes at a TED conference on why not to be a model. Here is the YouTube link.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:07 PM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I read of a study once that came out with the results that women are very good at estimating their "objective" attractiveness; men, not so much.

Forget where I saw the study though.
posted by bearette at 12:29 AM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hell, no.

I feel as if I have no firm handle on how attractive I am. My own perception of my looks is a slithery, slimy, elusive thing.
posted by Salamander at 12:53 AM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Of course it's normal. It's not a failing to not be totally happy with everything all the time. You don't need to strive for some perfect level of contentment any more than you need to look 'perfect' (whatever that is). Be happy enough and healthy enough, a bit cheeky about life, and you will be more than attractive enough.
posted by inkypinky at 3:13 AM on December 18, 2012


Besides all the reasons people gave above (hormones, mood, etc.), I noticed something that had a huge, totally unfair effect: the quality of the mirror I am looking at.

I was convinced I was unattractive every time I passed the mirror in my hallway, but by the time I got to the mirror in my bedroom I looked okay again. Solution? I put a different mirror in the hallway, and now I am nice-looking in all parts of the house!
posted by Pwoink at 6:08 AM on December 18, 2012


Well, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who varies on this from time to time.

I'm a problem solver by nature, so my own variance of attractiveness made me start investigating it. I did research on what makes people attractive, and one of the best articles I found was this, and the key from it was:
Their shocking finding was that, by far, the most attractive features fell under the category of "self care". These features were changeable aspects like good grooming, neat hair, nice fitting and quality clothing, good posture, and healthy weight. Essentially, the most attractive features about a person (male or female) is that they put forth some effort to shower, groom, select some nice cloths, stand up straight, and manage their diet a bit.
So when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, I make a point to try and improve some of these aspects. For me, that usually means I need a haircut. Sometimes I need to replace the ratty shirt, or no longer wear that color. Maybe it's something smaller, like standing up straight, or something bigger like re-committing to the gym a few times a week. For a woman, it could also help to buy a new lipstick or eyeliner.
posted by I am the Walrus at 6:59 AM on December 18, 2012 [6 favorites]


Just chiming in to say this is totally normal for me too. Sometimes I think I'm very pretty and expect that the entire world will fall in love with me and sometimes I think I'm a total hag and can't fathom why anyone would want to be seen with me. Either way, it usually turns out to be a self- fulfilling prophecy. Confidence is a powerful thing.
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:23 AM on December 18, 2012


I recommend that you take a lot of photos of yourself, even if you can't bear to look at them now. I was camera-phobic and round-shouldered and hid behind a fringe for most of my twenties, but when I see some of the (sadly rare) photos of me from that time, I think "DAMN, WOMAN. You totally rocked it."
posted by vickyverky at 8:35 AM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think people are probably the worst judges of their own attractiveness (present party included) to the degree that:

A) To simply make it out of bed each day without drowning in a hopeless pit of despair and depression, one has to keep up at least some level of a positive self-image, which includes having confidence in his or her own looks even if that requires a bit of healthy self-delusion

Years ago I was on an online dating site that required every user to rate their own attractiveness on a scale from "Well Above Average" to "Below Average" as part of their profile. The whole time I used the site I think I only saw only 1 or 2 profiles that listed their level of attractiveness as anything less than "Above Average", which, even acknowledging that attractiveness is subjective, seems sort of mathematically impossible?

B) Simultaneously, I think people tend to obsess and worry over their looks in ways that go mostly unnoticed by anyone else (for example, I'll often do and redo my hair 3 or 4 times before I'll leave the house. My wife always laughs when this happens since to her it looks the same each time, whereas I'm convinced the first 2 or 3 attempts would have left the world gawking at how hideous I look).

Some of this is situational too. When I go to industry events filled largely with out of shape, poorly dressed, technology geek-types, my confidence in my looks goes up. When I go to a bar filled largely with guys a decade younger than me, in better shape, wearing the latest fashions, it goes down.

One thing I'm guilty of, which has been mentioned to some degree already, is to pass off any unflattering photo of myself as "bad lighting" or a "distorted image", while assuming any photo where I look good is a perfect replica of my actual looks.
posted by The Gooch at 10:10 AM on December 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


So when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see, I make a point to try and improve some of these aspects.

I think this is a big deal. Even if someone is not conventionally beautiful (whatever that means to you), if they have put effort into the presentation of their physical self, my first thought is "wow, they look sharp". Which is probably not a good thing, as I usually haven't even spoken to them yet, but that's my first shallow reaction.

On the other hand, I recently met someone who was really physically beautiful (to me). Tall, curly dark hair, luminous skin and striking blue eyes. And they looked like they had rolled out of bed, pulled on clothes that had been laying on the ground all night and had hunched over posture with their eyes glued to the floor. Maybe they had been hit on or praised for their good looks too often, and this was in response? But my first thought there was "What a shame, I wonder what's happened to this person that they look like a mess?"
posted by lootie777 at 11:43 AM on December 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


Age age age. The solution (in my experience) is age. In the meantime, DON'T HANG OUT with the people who make you feel anything other than super-hot. THAT VOICE IS WRONG. YOU LOOK TOTALLY NORMAL.
posted by skbw at 6:57 PM on December 18, 2012


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