Just not up for dealing with this right now
December 15, 2012 5:24 AM   Subscribe

So a couple years ago this happened, pretty much in my front lawn. I thought I was pretty much over it, and hadn't really thought about it too much despite the 14 mass shootings since then, but I'm feeling totally worn down by yesterdays events. What's your best advice for shaking this sort of thing off?

I can't really afford therapy right now, so I'm mostly looking for DIY solutions here.
posted by Kid Charlemagne to Health & Fitness (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Instead of trying to shake it off, I'd really let yourself feel your emotions - grief, sadness, worry, fear - whatever they are. They might be really intense for a while, but the intensity will pass. If you let yourself feel the strong emotions and they pass, you are likely to feel much better than if you try to suppress powerful emotions.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:33 AM on December 15, 2012 [9 favorites]


It's head-in-the-sand, but I've found that a strict media fast (esp. FB and MeFi - for me, anyway) combined with a run / long walk outside someplace peaceful, followed by a beer or two at a good bar + reading in bed has been very effective.

The beer can easily be substituted with tea or, in moments of real crisis, greasy comfort food.
posted by ryanshepard at 5:39 AM on December 15, 2012 [10 favorites]


I don't necessarily think it's something you can shake off, but it might help to tell yourself that somewhere around 70 to 80% of murder victims were killed by someone they know. While it does seem like gun violence is increasing, mass shootings are still exceedingly rare. Not that that makes it any better, but that's what I repeat to myself when I start getting worried about such a thing happening to me or people I know. I'm more likely to die of cancer or a heart attack or a car accident than something like yesterday's event.

That being said, I do think you need to address your feelings in a meaningful way. Maybe you could keep a journal or use the Internet to find a support group for people who have witnessed crimes and/or have anxiety about these things. Right now, I think much of the country probably feels as you do...disheartened, disgusted, wondering when we will have to go through this again. I think talking to friends and family members and being candid would be a good thing too. As I answer this question I realize I am worn down as well, and afraid of the unknown.
posted by thank you silence at 5:46 AM on December 15, 2012


I'm so sorry. Of course you're upset and feeling shaken by the news: many of us --- who have never been so close to a frightening and upsetting event --- are feeling that way. You aren't alone. Be gentle with yourself and accept that this feeling is natural, however unwelcome it is.

Remember that, however heartbreaking and tragic the news is, it is newsworthy because it is unusual. The sad events reported are out of the ordinary, or they wouldn't be reported.

Take a break from watching the news. Listen to music that makes you happy. Look at art, whether it's soothing, cathartic, or awe-inspiring. Hug your loved ones if they're near. Do you have a pet, or a friend with a pet? Contact with animals can relieve stress and is just plain fun and comforting.

Get some good exercise. Eat well. Make sleep a priority (and if you have trouble sleeping, do what you can to rest well, anyhow). Take care of your body. Your physical well-being is important to maintain emotional well-being.

Sign up for volunteer work if you have the opportunity and feel able to do it right now: helping someone else focuses your attention on positive events.

You may have seen Fred Rogers' advice about how to help children deal with tragic events; it tends to circulate during sad or scary times. It's good advice for adults, too: turn off the TV, talk about your feelings, remember that any feelings are okay to have but not all feelings are okay to act upon, keep to a routine, make time for play, and make note of your efforts --- small or large --- to make a positive change in the world. And most especially, remember that, though the news focuses on the tragedy and violence, there are always people working to make things better, some of them quietly in the background:
When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.
You can even remind yourself that you are part of such a community. AskMe is precisely that: a community of people trying to help each other for no other reason than because we can.
posted by Elsa at 5:50 AM on December 15, 2012 [22 favorites]


Shared joy is doubled, shared pain is halved. Trite; true: we are social creatures. Comfort is most easily found in the company of others. Friends, family, even strangers at a traditional pub. While we need alone time to process things intellectually, interacting with others in a social context lets the important brain chemicals like dopamine and serotonin out to do their own polishing off of the sharp corners.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:01 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Seconding insectosaurus. Let the tears come and make way for them somehow if you have to. For me, that way is seated meditation. The tears come and go, but at least I give them permission to come now.

In your case, if this interests you, you might want to find some instruction and sit with folks as a group at first, since I think your emotions might be more intense right now than mine were. Any good Zen center shouldn't charge you anything but a nominal (voluntary) donation.
posted by Currer Belfry at 6:05 AM on December 15, 2012


I'll second what superfish said, get involved in making a change, it will provide you with a sense of doing the right thing, and also connect you with people of a similar mindset.
posted by HuronBob at 6:13 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Since last night I went to music/videos that directly played on my emotions and spent a couple of hours wiping snot in front of YouTube. I feel cleansed. May I offer you a hug?
posted by infini at 6:18 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you can, donate blood.
posted by Carol Anne at 6:22 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


The media, and even social media, is generally going to optimize for the most extreme coverage. I sometimes find it helpful to stop watching/reading most news and spend more time on cute overload or ravelry or something like that. Leading up to the election, I was finding myself really stressed out and fucked up about political stuff, so I actually used some technical tools to stop myself from looking at certain political sites from several computers I use. It helped, a lot.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:29 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Write your lawmakers ( although probably best to wait a few days and edit before sending) - it'll be somewhat cathartic, and, while it may amount to nothing, it could help you feel like you're accomplishing something.
posted by backwards guitar at 6:47 AM on December 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


On a cognitive level, there is a way of framing this that is, though grim, also healing: "There are always around me in the world other people who this kind of shock and trauma, this kind of terrible knowledge, and I and we are not alone, even if we don't do a single thing beyond that presence for one another to reach out in anything but thought, meditation, prayer." Trauma/horror lies and kills (the spirit if not always the body) by telling you you have been made alone, separate, cut off from your society, terribly exceptional, by your witness or experience. (Indeed, this is one of the main symptoms of PTSD.) I'm doing a terrible job of trying to explain this, but I hope you have some sense of what I'm getting at--perhaps you've felt some of this too.
posted by availablelight at 6:59 AM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nthing a media blackout, at least for a few days. I turned on the radio a few minutes ago (out of habit) and caught the last few seconds of a story on Newtown, and I was weirdly relieved when they then turned to reporting on Egypt. Just avoid all of it if you can - definitely no TV news.

If you can afford a couple days away, whether out in nature (if that's your thing) or in a different town/city, try that.

Otherwise, my technique is like infini's - I find it hard to cry sometimes even when I want to, so I'll prime the pump with movies or music that's guaranteed to make me lose it. Then I lose it. Then a hot shower or bath and some movies or TV that's low-key and entertaining and doesn't make me think about the things I don't want to think about. And bourbon.

Or! If you've got a project you've been putting off - organizing your sock drawer, sorting through the bags of things you've been meaning to take to the local thrift store, tagging all your mp3s, etc. - this might be a good time to dive in and just get it done.
posted by rtha at 7:35 AM on December 15, 2012


I had a mass shooting two blocks from my little house in my idyllic small-town neighborhood a few years ago. I am dealing with it by doing something. I donated to the Brady Center and wrote a bunch of letters to elected officials yesterday. And then I reminded myself once again to be extra kind and gentle with everyone I meet. You don't know who has been a victim of a horrific event like this, or who is so mentally fragile that just your ordinary kindness might keep them from cracking and perpetrating an act like this. Small kindnesses can have big consequences. (And so can small donations.)
posted by HotToddy at 7:37 AM on December 15, 2012 [4 favorites]


I like to get out in nature, sit, hike, doesn't matter what the weather is like, I find it very healing.

Reading has always been good therapy for trauma, a book I love is When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.

Lighting candles and thinking of the dead, wishing them well on their journey.

Taking myself out for something pleasant, coffee and pastries or a good dinner, a concert, to remind myself that life is precious.

Going to the place where the traumatic event happened and leaving something for the lost.

Giving something to someone in need, in memory of them.

Allow yourself to be sad or whatever else you feel.

Tell people you are upset and ask for help.
posted by nanook at 9:07 AM on December 15, 2012


In the "write your legislators" department, I'm wondering if it might feel good to send a "Thank You" card to the NRA.
posted by Corvid at 9:42 AM on December 15, 2012


Do you think doing something positive in remembrance of Ryan Hummert would help? Maybe you could donate $10 to Backstoppers?

Yesterdays events brought up some bad, sad personal memories for me, too. I wish you all the best.
posted by BlueJae at 9:47 AM on December 15, 2012


I remember that day quite clearly, Kid, as I lived in StL at that point as well. I agree - consider sending a letter and donation to the Ryan Hummert Scholarship Fund (Hummert was the murdered firefighter) or see if you can talk with the city of Maplewood about volunteering to do some work in the city park named for him.

The snarky bastard in me like's Corvid's idea of sending a card to the NRA congratulating them on abetting the murder of children. Don't be me.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:12 AM on December 15, 2012


While you weren't directly a victim of this incident, perhaps these folks could either help or direct you to some free services.
posted by Daddy-O at 10:23 AM on December 15, 2012


If you can't afford therapy, maybe you can find a copy of this book to be helpful. The language is a bit vague and woo on first read, but that's because we just don't have good ways of expressing these concepts in english. I use the focusing technique to help me process through stuff/ figure out what's going on with me. Honestly, it's not as good as seeing a skilled therapist, but it helps a lot.

There might also be therapists or programs in your area that provide sliding-scale or affordable services. Maybe a mefite in your area can direct you to those resources.

Massage therapy would possibly help; you body creates muscle memory in times of trauma. This is usually something that manifests in physical tension, and releiving some of the physical tension can also relieve some of the emotional stress and even effect long-term trauma to a degree. There's science to back this up; it's not as absurd as it might sound.

Also, I don't know if this is feasable or desirable for you, but I would seriously consider moving. Having to be in a place where something terrifying happened to you/ you witnessed something frightening is probably going to make it hard to overcome this.
posted by windykites at 10:38 AM on December 15, 2012


You should go take a walk around the botantical gardens. I did that this morning with my son and it was very peaceful despite the lack of foliage in bloom. Seeing a bunch of kids running around having a good time with their families helped as well as the long moments of quiet peace the gardens provide in the middle of the city.
posted by Jacob G at 10:49 AM on December 15, 2012


I had the privilege of sitting on a grand jury and it was coincident with indictments coming into play for some of the worst crime that has been in this area in a decade. I will not say specifically, but we heard testimony from one witness who's recalled words upon seeing the crime was "you sick fuck". It was wearing. It hurt to hear about crime that happened within blocks of my son's day care. In the weeks afterward, I couldn't look at locations without think "yeah, that's where [that crime] happened."

I dealt with it by talking with people. In my case, I waited until the indictments were in the press and didn't speak of anything beyond public record, but talk I did. On the one hand, it was a serious pessimization of my outlook on human nature, but on the other hand I kept in mind that I was seeing a stilted view of the world - the proportion of people who perform these heinous acts are much, much smaller than the general population. Way smaller. They are tragic, for certain, but then there are the people whose job it is to deal with the aftermath and the teachers who protected the other children. There are way, way more of these people in the world.
posted by plinth at 11:12 AM on December 15, 2012


I didn't know you lived near where that happened; I'd be traumatized, too. An incident with similarities to that happened in my neighborhood a few years ago, and other things have happened on my block since then that have left me questioning whether I even want to go for a walk around here by myself a lot of the time.

I actually had a debate with myself a few minutes ago about whether I wanted to walk a block to go get lunch, given the shootings this week and the things that have happened in my neighborhood in the past. I ended up acknowledging that while it's probably at least partly irrational to feel this way, I still don't want to go outside by myself today. And that's OK.

I would focus on other things, especially hobbies. Watch Netflix, if you have it, or a comforting or cathartic movie that you love. Listen to music. Make art or build something new.

Now I'm going to try to take my own advice...
posted by limeonaire at 12:19 PM on December 15, 2012


I don't have any advice to add, but I wanted to say that it's been a really sad, angry, hard 24 hours for me, too, even though I don't have any connection to the shooting yesterday. I found myself getting angry with my friends for going on with their business-as-usual Facebook postings, and much much angrier at people on the other side of the inevitable gun control debates. I have had to force myself to get things done, to just move around and try to stay away from the internet. And I've spent a lot of time with my 14-month-old son, which also helps.

I guess I just wanted to say, I sympathise with you, and with all those who can't just shrug yesterday off.
posted by daisystomper at 4:11 PM on December 15, 2012


I was beaten up in a riot in Los Angeles the day after the Rodney King beating; youths smashed up the Westwood neighborhood during the opening of the film New Jack City, and me with it. I also once interfered with a man who was beating his girlfriend and he assaulted me with a hammer. In neither instance was I horrifically hurt, but in both it wasn't for lack of the other person trying.

And I often think I am over it, but there's something residual about it. When some similar crisis happens, I feel a profound panic and sadness rise up. I suppose in some ways it has sharpened my sense of real danger, and I am glad of that. I was in a car once when a drive-by shooting happened, and immediately ducked and told my companion to duck, almost without thinking, as soon as I hear the bullets. I think there is something useful to knowing that there is a real terminus to life, because people sometimes just go into a disbelieving shock where they can't do anything, even protect themselves. The downside is sometimes those feelings come up when I am not in any actual danger.

I also feel awful about yesterday's events. It brings up all sorts of things, besides the times when I was in danger, such as a friend of the family I had when I was a child who was murdered in a similar shooting in a Jewish Community Center. It's not really possible to tamp down these feelings, and, like you, I don't have access to something like therapy right now.

I suppose it helps me that I have been through this sort of thing a few times, and I know it will pass, and that my feelings are okay and understandable, given the circumstances. I take frequent breaks if I start feeling overwhelmed, and I try to get back to routine, but I haven't been shutting out the news. I know it's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I often feel like crying. I feel a lot of powerlessness and frustration, especially as I think this exact story may repeat itself again and again through my life.

But what can you do? You plow on, and give yourself whatever space you need to feel whatever you need to feel, and know that you'll be able to get back to life, because we humans are generally built to do this. I get through it by having faith that I can get through it, because I have previously. And I try to take whatever anger and frustration I have and turn it into something useful. Give money. Organize. Whatever makes me feel not quite so powerless in the face of these terrible events. It helps.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 6:23 PM on December 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


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