My man or my career?
August 24, 2005 4:38 PM   Subscribe

What should I choose - my man or my career?

I was recently offered a job in England (I live in California now) and it really is my dream job. Unfortunately, I'm also currently dating my dream boyfriend. We've been together for over 2 years and this relationship is more serious than any other I've been in. There's no promise of marriage anytime in the near future and his career prohibits him from moving to any international location, so him moving for my career is out of the question.

I've talked to him about this and he's told me that if I decided to take the job, he would want to continue dating, though I don't think I can do long-distance relationships.

I know that if I move, I'll most likely meet someone else and be happy and if I stay here I'm sure I'll find a job that I'll enjoy (I'm an optimist), but this is the first time I've had to choose between love and work.

I'm having a hard time deciding what path to take in life and I'd love to hear advice. I'm not taking suggestions - I'll decide - but I'd like to hear from you. Did you pick your career or your significant other? Are you happy with your decision or would you have done it differently?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
You know, if you even need to ask the question...

Seriously, for me love would trump career every single time. So long as the love was good. Because for me good love is waaaaay more important than any job. But that's me. I don't know about you. You have the chance to travel and take a job you think will be good. The very fact that you're tempted at all suggests to me that maybe your dream love isn't quite as dreamy as it could be.

Long distance love is possible, if the love is strong. I speak as one who maintained a long-distance (transatlantic) relatioship for over three years. But I have to tell you those Brits are irresistible so temptation will be everywhere. I speak as a Brit, naturally. I think the question you need to answer is how much are you prepared to sacrifice for this opportunity?
posted by Decani at 4:59 PM on August 24, 2005


Take the job.

You'll know soon enough if you made the wrong decision. If you did, quit the job and go back to him if that's what you both want.

However, pass on the job and you'll never know as it'll be filled quicker than either of you will find a new mate (assuming you're gonna not rush right into another relationship, which my assumption if you're truly in love).
posted by dobbs at 5:05 PM on August 24, 2005


I have never had a job for longer than 5 years, although admittedly I have never had what I would consider a dream job. But to me, jobs are temporary. You might get the dream job, and then get laid off next year. Or you might discover it's not what you actually wanted, or you might change your mind about what you want out of a career as you age. It's just not likely that you will stay at the job for the rest of your life.

However a partner...I know the divorce rates are high, but I still do believe in staying with a spouse til death do you part. If this is the dream guy, and you could see it lasting forever, I would say stay with him. I would choose my mate over work any day. Work is just way less important in the long run.
posted by veronitron at 5:07 PM on August 24, 2005


Having been in a similar situation, the deciding factor for me was that the job was relatively easy to back out of.
So I rationalized that if found that the job wasn't as good as I thought it would be, or if I missed the person terribly, after a few months I could always resign and return.

In the end, after 1 year apart we re-grouped to the same city and stayed together for another 5 years.

LDRs are tough, and the 8 hour time-difference makes it very difficult to schedule phone-calls. You'll also be very busy getting to know your new city and country, as the UK is quite different from California, especially so if you're out of London.

Good luck, it's a difficult one.
posted by quiet at 5:12 PM on August 24, 2005


Go to England. Life is too short not to have a fantastic adventure. You can always come home. If there is no promise of marriage and he's not adventurous enough to take off with you - it’s even more critical that you go. (Really, after two years - if you want to get married and he's not even talking about it - is he really that dreamy?)
And when you leave - be open to the possibility that you could get back together if your paths crossed again - but go to England a free woman.
I stayed in California for a guy I ended up resenting for it to the point that we broke up anyway - long after my opportunities for career adventure had passed.
posted by Wolfie at 5:14 PM on August 24, 2005


I just went though almost this exact scenario. Take the job!
posted by starscream at 5:21 PM on August 24, 2005


I think it comes down to which is more important in your life. Can you lead a happy life in a job that's not the best? Some can; some can't. Alternatively, can you settle for a man who's not your dream while having the drive job?
For me, I would choose the relationship in a heartbeat. I used to revolve my life around work. However, at a ripe young (and I admit most likely nieve) age of 23, I am past that stage. What kind of job I work in the least of my concerns anymore; all's I care about is a fulfilling life outside of the workplace- though some may get a sense of fulfillment our of their job. I know my mom does, and all the more power to her.
posted by jmd82 at 5:23 PM on August 24, 2005


I decided when I'd found a good guy, that any job of any sort would and could wait while he went to law school in rural noplace. However, my work takes me places, sometimes for months at a time and we work that out just fine.

Then again, I can't imagine myself saying "I'd likely meet someone else and be happy" if I moved away from the guy, especially for a job. That's just not my way. For me, it's tons easier to find a good job than a good mate.
posted by jessamyn at 5:32 PM on August 24, 2005


I'm in the middle of a similar scenario.

I left a four-year relationship and good job on the East Coast for grad school and my home city in the Midwest (there are some other factors, but those are the basics). I've been back in the Midwest for a year and have no plan to leave.

Even though me and the S.O. decided to technically split since we're not in the same place, we still talk multiple times a day, visit each other occasionally and have no interest in starting up a relationship with someone else.

So, while you think you may move somewhere and just find someone else, that doesn't necessarily happen no matter how hard you try to make it so. Moving on from a perfect someone is often a lot easier in theory.
posted by awegz at 5:34 PM on August 24, 2005


Go to England because there will probably be someone just like him there. Maybe even better.

I may be facetious, but the fact you ask this question shows that he is replaceable.
posted by fire&wings at 5:35 PM on August 24, 2005


The job - take a risk. And if you don't go, you'll always wonder "what if?"
posted by awesomebrad at 5:42 PM on August 24, 2005


Propose marriage.
posted by OmieWise at 5:53 PM on August 24, 2005


I'm also currently dating my dream boyfriend.

The way you worded this makes me feel like you should take the job. If he's a dream "boyfriend" (rather than a life partner, soulmate, or whatever) then it sounds like you could have many other dream boyfriends pretty easily.

If he really is "the one" though, I'd say you'd be nuts to go. It's not as if you're moving overseas for that once in a lifetime opportunity to launch a mega business or star in a movie or something. It's a job, and jobs are everywhere and coming along all the time. True love doesn't, but I get the impression this isn't true love, after all.
posted by wackybrit at 5:55 PM on August 24, 2005


I'm not going to give you advice, because I believe you'll know what's right for you. All I can give you is my story. After graduating from college, I moved to Richmond to be near my boyfriend (who was in grad school) and to live with my parents until I found a job. Nine months of job searching later, I was on the verge of broke and I finally got my first job offer. It was for my dream job... 2.5 hours away. And I took it. It was the first job of my career, and a great opportunity for me.

2 years later, I'm engaged to be married to the boyfriend, and I still have my dream job. I'm not happy that we've had to spend the last 2 years apart, and it isn't always easy, but I am happy with the choice I made. My career is very important to me, and I am of the opinion that if we can make it work long distance, then we can make it last till death do us part.

The great thing about taking the job is that you can always quit and go back to him. But if you pass on the job for him, you can't quit him to get the job back later.
posted by geeky at 6:04 PM on August 24, 2005


starscream: I just went though almost this exact scenario. Take the job!

Me: I just went through almost this exact scenario. I took the job. (UK --> Australia.) I miss her terribly.

/insert four pages detailing exactly how much I miss her/

Just make sure the job's that good, I guess. (I suspect I didn't.)

Oh, and I second what agewz said about "having no interest in starting up a relationship with someone else" -- this has not been a matter of choice for me.
posted by bright cold day at 6:31 PM on August 24, 2005


I really like OmieWise's suggestion. At very least you need to have a frank talk about it if you're the getting-married type. Because it might come out that he's not that type and the debate is between job and non-commital guy. Plus, it'd make the best story to tell your kids later.

If it really does end up as a tie would you rather be at where you're at in CA or England? Location might be a nice tie-breaker. If we're talking London and the job doesn't pay much, good luck investing in real-estate.
posted by ontic at 6:39 PM on August 24, 2005


I took the job. (UK --> Australia.) I miss her terribly.

Yeah, but UK->Australia isn't the same as USA->UK, particularly if you hate the current government, hate the people that vote for the current government, hate their stupid way of talking in a string of cliches and their completely humorless dispositions.

Take the job.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:39 PM on August 24, 2005


Why does it have to be an either-or? I chose to go to school in another country knowing full well it meant at least four years of a primarily long-distance relationship for me and my fellow. We talked about it long and hard, and decided we'd simply make our best go at it. But it was never a decision between being with him and pursuing my education. Instead, from him it was "Okay, you want to do this with your life, how can we continue to do right by our relationship while you are away?"

Maybe with another guy "doing right" would have been breaking up. Maybe because the connection wasn't strong enough, or because it had come time to end anyway, or one party wasn't supportive, or simply because a long distance relationship wasn't what we wanted. But, that wasn't the case here and with just one year left to go I'm pretty damn sure we're going to make it.

We are two people. Yes, we who chose to share our lives in a fundamental way, but that doesn't keep us from being individuals with our own lives as well the one we share. Like geeky, we just see this time apart as a temporary challenge to a life-long relationship.

So, I say: Go for the job! This is your life! But don't be fatalistic about that choice necessarily coming at the cost of your relationship with your boyfriend. No one but you can tell you that you can't have both, or even which you'll be happy with.

For a couple great threads on making long-dstance relationships healthy and fun see here and here.
posted by nelleish at 6:53 PM on August 24, 2005


Take the job.
posted by fake at 7:21 PM on August 24, 2005


Job. But I think you know that already.
posted by Ruki at 7:41 PM on August 24, 2005


I've picked my career, over and over again.

The result is that I have my dream job and some stability/security in my career, and am still an eligible bachelor with memories of some wonderful relationships; I have less hair and a few more wrinkles than I did when I started.

But I'm getting tired of being alone, and I don't think I will be much longer.

My point being is that when it's time, it's time. And after two years it's certainly time for you and your boyfriend to know whether marriage should be on the table.

My opinion, then:

If you don't go to England, it's because he proposes and you accept. Period.

Neither one of these two separate actions fall under the parvenu of AskMe. :)
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:51 PM on August 24, 2005


I'm going to join the throng in suggesting that you choose the job. If your boyfriend's job is such that he'll never be able to move internationally, this seems likely to become an issue yet again in a few years, even if you decided to stay with him now.

You don't say why your boyfriend's career prohibits him from ever moving internationally, but I'll take your word for it. So, if you stayed, he'd get to have a job he (I'm assuming) loves, but you'd have to settle. Would you be happy with that, really?

It seems to me that the fact that you're asking means that you want the job more than you want the boyfriend. You say you'll "most likely meet someone and be happy" if you move, and if that's what you think you can't possibly be in love with your boyfriend to the point where you should stay. Period.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:01 PM on August 24, 2005


If you don't take the job, then you will subconsciously blame every professional frustration large and small on your boyfriend and the sacrifice you made for him - unconsciously at first, then (as these frustrations accrue and as the dream relationship in its natural ontogeny becomes dreary reality) as real resentments. One day you will fight, and in anger over some little compromise he refuses to accept, you will say: "I gave up my dream job for you!"

Take the job.
posted by nicwolff at 8:10 PM on August 24, 2005


IMHO, If you're in a relationship for two years and still no idea of marriage or not, don't put your life on hold for him. He may turn out to be it, but after 2 years, you should know by now.

Take the job, move to England, have a WONDERFUL amazing time, and keep in touch with him and visit back & forth if it's okay with you guys.

You should know by now if there's a future in it. Period.
posted by aacheson at 8:19 PM on August 24, 2005


You're right: You can find another job, and you can find another man. So you're the only constant. Decide what you want to do by deciding who you want to be. Do you want to be the type of woman who leaves her man for a job, or do you want to be the type of woman who leaves a job for her man?
posted by cribcage at 8:22 PM on August 24, 2005


Life is short.. live through your heart. Do what inspires you! Do what feels good! Choose the path which feels more open, more relaxed, less stressful, more fun. There really is no right or wrong answer. Move to England, that's great! Don't move to England, that's great! No matter what you choose, you are not wrong.
posted by dhammala at 8:35 PM on August 24, 2005


I believe I'm copying someone else's advice from a previous askme thread, but I thought it was very useful advice.
Take a coin, heads you go, tails you stay. Flip the coin, DON'T look at it. What are you hoping for? Do that, and ignore the coin.
posted by forforf at 8:41 PM on August 24, 2005


Take the job. Love will find a way. It may not be the way you imagine, but it will find a way.
posted by Dr. Zira at 9:03 PM on August 24, 2005


Make an ultimatum.
posted by angry modem at 9:06 PM on August 24, 2005


Think of yourself as the starring actress in a romantic comedy. What makes a romantic comedy interesting? She always takes the job.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 9:23 PM on August 24, 2005


I had a wonderful opportunity to go to grad school in another state. It was something that I've wanted to do for many years. My boyfriend of two years quit his lucrative job to move with me and take a less lucrative job because he loved me and supported me and knew how important it was to me. We're now married.

I'm not saying that's necessarily how it even should work out, but the fact that my man didn't want me to give up on my dreams (and has been incredibly supportive while I pursue them) made me know he was the one. Theoretically, if this is your dream job, your dream man would want you to have it.
posted by Kimberly at 9:47 PM on August 24, 2005


Not going to tell you what to do, but I'd urge you to remember that just because going to England is the more exciting option doesn't mean it's the better one. Everyone on AxMe will tell you to take the job because their lives are dull and they like the vicarious thrill of you packing up and shipping out--it's kinda a perrenial fantasy, you know--but then they don't have to deal with your broken heart, vicariously or no. Of course what you *really want to do* is go to England. What you *really wanted to do* when you got drunk last weekend was to go home with the bartender. Doesn't mean it was your best bet. On the other hand, if you never take the plunge anywhere in your life, then that would be an awful shame.

And: Why doesn't the boy come with you? Then you'd *both* be taking the plunge,--and you'd be taking an exciting risk with your relationship without swinging (ick) or getting married (yawn).
posted by armchairsocialist at 10:19 PM on August 24, 2005


Which one will last longer? Think carefully. Loneliness and poverty are both things that come to us suddenly, when we least expect them. The difference is that some things are easier to bear than others.

What I mean is: poverty (or even just lack of the dream job) isn't so bad, really.
posted by koeselitz at 12:38 AM on August 25, 2005


I suppose I would advocate as much compromise on all levels as possible. By that I mean I would have a conversation with the bf about your disquiet about LDRs and his possible wrangling a meetup in the UK in 3 months following the move; finessing the new job such that they give you time off (and airfare if poss.) for a return meetup in 6 months but an overall agreement with the bf to revisit the topic in say 9 months or something of that nature, to determine if there's a future. In other words, try out the LDR first for a finite amount of time. I'm not sure about showing bf the thread butttttt.....you should bring ALL of this stuff up now, even if it's to agree to defer to a certain point in time.
posted by peacay at 4:14 AM on August 25, 2005


Since your bf is prepared to give a long distance relationship a go then why not give it a go. It won't be easy on either of you, consider it a growth period, but if you think you may meet someone else then you should let him know of this risk and that he could end up getting hurt. Good luck!
posted by Chimp at 4:49 AM on August 25, 2005


Is your life based on Self-Ambition or Love&Companionship?

I believe both type of people exist, you just need enough past experience to decide in what group you belong.

My opinion? I can search for a job on a newspaper or web site. One of them can be a dream job. Even if you are on a new exciting city, learning to be alone - especialy if you had a good relationship - will not be easy. So, there goes all the excitment of a new overseas job.

But I sure can't find my dream relationship in a newspaper, because it is a lot more dificult to match people that to match skills.

But then again, maybe I am a Love&Companionship guy myself...

PS: Whatever you do, believe me, distance is a love-killing machine. Even if your love is strong, it kills you slowly with pain of not having you SO next to you...
posted by LittlePrince at 6:23 AM on August 25, 2005


Go for the job. And MY life is not dull, its an amazing adventure. You'll sort out the BF issues as life flows. Maybe he'll follow, maybe he'll wait. Maybe you'll find some other guy that sparks your fancy lots better. Maybe your leaving will provide him with motivation to do something to keep you.
posted by Goofyy at 6:55 AM on August 25, 2005


Take the job. Never change your plans for a man. If you turn the job down you will forever resent him for it when the relationship hits a bumpy bit. I've been there and have been on the receiving end of that resentment.
Take the job.
posted by Floydd at 7:40 AM on August 25, 2005


Take the job. If it's meant to be, your love will abide.
posted by lola at 9:22 AM on August 25, 2005


Be sure to tell us what you do. :)
posted by dhammala at 9:59 AM on August 25, 2005


Another vote for taking the job. It seems like the boyfriend is willing to stick around and try to make things work if you take it. The job will not wait. Good luck!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:34 AM on August 25, 2005


I need closure! What happened?
posted by sapienza at 3:27 PM on September 21, 2005


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