did I go too far?

December 10, 2012 1:42 PM

What does "too smart for your own good" mean?

I recently attended a social gathering hosted by [person of authority]. We played a game, during which I made a reference to something that person says all the time. S/he has displayed a good sense of humor, and I joke around with everyone all the time, so I thought s/he would find it hilarious. But s/he just said "oh _____, you are too smart for your own good" with a semi-smirk/quasi-smile. Afterwards I apologized and s/he said it was fine, and that they were honored to be quoted.

But I actually have no idea what all of that meant. I am very worried that I pissed her/him off.

What do you think, hivemind?

posted by atetrachordofthree to Human Relations (25 answers total)

IME this is usually said by adults to children when the child has said something that makes the adult feel foolish. YMMV.
posted by elizardbits at 1:45 PM on December 10, 2012 [10 favorites]

I wouldn't worry about it. I remember hearing this growing up too. It can mean you're a smart alec, but I think in this context it was more a jokey thing, like "oh, you're so clever haha".
posted by MattMangels at 1:46 PM on December 10, 2012

Okay, well, you basically gave us nothing here, but it's a light rebuke
posted by MangyCarface at 1:46 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

You're being incredibly vague here, so my impression is simply that you were playing a game, you talked shit (seriously, I have no idea if there's a non-colloquial term for this concept) and the other person did likewise. If their attitude toward you didn't get any colder after that moment, you can be confident that when they said it was fine, it was fine.

Just, for the love of god, do not do any more apologizing.
posted by griphus at 1:46 PM on December 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

I think that "too smart for your own good" in this case means that despite your intelligence, you chose to say something that either hurt or offended your friend by crossing a social boundary. You might have mentioned something they'd rather not discuss or simply been a bit over-the-top in your joking.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 1:47 PM on December 10, 2012 [24 favorites]

If you can tell us what it is that she says all the time we may give you better answers.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:47 PM on December 10, 2012

I doubt they were offended. Worst-case scenario: If I said this to someone, it would probably be something I spit out in mildly flustered embarrassment of someone parroting me (e.g. I have several phrases I say a lot, and *I'm* aware that I say them a lot, but if someone said one of them back to me--thereby acknowledging that OTHER people know I say it a lot--I'd probably be slightly embarrassed and give some sort of catch-all response like the one you got). It's probably more along the friendly lines of "You little over-perceptive smart-alec!"--I wouldn't worry.
posted by lovableiago at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

It probably meant that you said something that was true, but that she / he disliked what you said - probably because you hit on an uncomfortable truth.

In general, I suggest giving everyone in your question a gender, and maybe a name. It makes it easier to read and respond to. It's fine to use a pseudonym.
posted by insectosaurus at 1:48 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I think it was was basically a kind and very tactful way for this person to tell you, in mixed company, to stop being such a smart-ass, but her response to your apology seems very good-natured, so I wouldn't worry about it. I 100% doubt she was actually particularly offended and she's probably also totally forgotten it happened, so you should DEFINITELY drop it.

However, maybe don't joke around with Persons of Authority with such abandon in the future. It's generally best to err on the side of caution in these situations.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:49 PM on December 10, 2012 [8 favorites]

It was a light social slap.

It's ok. You shouldn't worry about it.

The semi-smirk/quasi-smile means that you're forgiven this time but this friend didn't appreciate what you did.
posted by vacapinta at 1:50 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

It usually means "you're a smart ass", and it is usually said after a zinger that puts someone in their place. Like when you point out someone's combover after they've made a comment about your acne.
posted by bondcliff at 1:52 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: ah, let's say Bob. Bob has a signature phrase... something not embarrassing, but along the lines of "What could be the underlying cause" So, in a game where we all have to answer various questions each other asked, I planted a question card so that Bob draws the card that asks "What could be the underlying cause?" and had to ask everyone that during the game.

I was surprised when Bob asked if I was referencing a sentence in his new book and realized maybe he didn't know he says it all the time. Bob was still cool demeanor-wise afterwards. But you know, he's someone I wouldn't want to offend.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 1:53 PM on December 10, 2012

Was it flirting? If not, it sounds like you teased him and he got you right back. You feel weird because he's in a position above you but I don't see any harm done. Hell he might even like you better for your playfulness. I would.
posted by Katine at 2:00 PM on December 10, 2012

It sounds like it could be a vebal tic that others don't generally remark on due to politeness and he doesn't realize he's saying nearly as much as he is.
posted by ODiV at 2:05 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Generally I have found this statement is a polite way of saying,"Yes, you are very smart and young, and are trying to show you are smart, but also you are socially clueless, and don't realize you just made a faux pas."

I was told this frequently as a child, and with age I have found that silencing my inner rifftrax with the goal of being nicer to people, who are after all mostly a lot more fragile than we realize, vastly outweighs the downsides.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 2:09 PM on December 10, 2012 [25 favorites]

I view this phrase as the equivalent to the slightly more cumbersome "you get in your own damn way." Meaning that, while technically correct, factual, smart or whatever... from another angle the thing you said was inappropriate, foolish, or less than intelligent for the given situation. You had the answer, but it killed the mood. She pointed that out for you. This is so you all can continue on at equal footing, everyone's face saved.

There's no need to feel bad about this; whatever hurt was incurred by the thing you said was returned with something equally correct, factual, and smart, on the level that she is playing at. So you two are even. You win the facts game, she wins the social one. Carry on.
posted by iamkimiam at 2:12 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I was going to say pretty much what ODiV said. What his reaction means depends on whether his signature phrase is something that he says all the time on purpose or if it's an unconscious verbal tic. If it's the former (doesn't sound like it is) then the rejoinder is just a playful rebuke. If it's a tic that you've just pointed out to him in a social situation, then it's a more serious breach, and the rebuke should be taken more seriously.

Even with your added detail, it's hard to say. I have a previous boss who used a lot of management jargon and business speak. I can't think of a specific jargony example, but in his interactions with me, for example, his solution to whatever design problem he perceived in my work was invariably "How about a drop cap here?" So, my colleagues and I joked among ourselves about drop caps all the time, but I think if anyone had ever popped that into a social lunch, he would not have found it clever or funny at all, and his apparently good natured "You're too smart for your own good," would have meant "You think you are smart, but you are, in fact, my underling and now you will pay."
posted by looli at 2:13 PM on December 10, 2012

Best answer: "Too smart for your own good" in almost any context usually implies that your cleverness outstrips another virtue - usually common sense or tact - to the point where it backfires. (It's also often a rebuke that gets lost on its recipient, because the kind of people who are too smart for their own good are really proud of being smart and not always in tune with "their own good." But that's neither here nor there.)

It can be kindly or critical, a lot like "bless your heart." We don't know if Bob felt affronted or not. But in this situation, OP, I wouldn't worry. You apologized and he forgave you. Don't get hung up on it, just hold back on anything zing-y in the future.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:29 PM on December 10, 2012 [22 favorites]

I guess there's a few different ways to look at this:

1) Were you being a douche for making the joke? Probably not, sounds like an OK joke to make with friends, and it depends on your intentions (i.e. were you being deliberately mean?)
2) Was it unwise of you to make the joke with him? Definitely, because he has power over you, therefore you should not risk offending him.
3) Was he really offended? Hard to say, and only time will tell. If he was, there's not much you can do about it beyond the apology you've already offered.

At the end of the day, if you even have to ask "Did I go too far?", the answer for those who prefer to play it safe is "Yes".
posted by wutangclan at 2:33 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

It means: "You seem to put a lot of effort into displaying your own cleverness, even where higher priorities, such as politeness, exist. In summary: don't be such a dick".
posted by pompomtom at 4:29 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

It often means "You're smarter than me, and I don't like it." Of course, they won't flat out tell you that's what they're thinking, but that's what's happened. You zinged them and they couldn't think of a better zing to respond with, so they feel inferior. And they try to turn your smartness into a defect.

Fuck 'em.
posted by MexicanYenta at 5:24 PM on December 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

In this case, I think you meant your highlighting of his verbal tic to be a comradely bonding thing, but since you sprung it in him, and it was in front of other people, he couldn't be sure that you weren't mocking him instead. So it came across like you'd purposefully wrong-footed him and were bonding with others at his expense. His "too smart for your own good" remark was his way of saying, "hey, dude, not cool."
posted by MsMolly at 6:24 PM on December 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

"Too smart for your own good", hmm...let's see, I guess that's the same as being too clever by half, right?
posted by PaulBGoode at 9:40 PM on December 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I always understood "too smart for your own good" to mean something along the lines of "you are smart, but you are too stupid to know how to use your smarts to your best advantage." As in, your smarts are beyond what you're capable of using well.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:12 AM on December 11, 2012

Hm. Someone recently said this to me in a message on OKCupid, of all places. He said that something I had written in my profile was hilarious (I got the sense it was the specific turn of phrase I had used that he found amusing). Then he said, "You're too smart for your own good." I was slightly confused about what he meant by this, but now after reading this AskMe am even more confused. He definitely wasn't rebuking me; what I said could not have been seen as offensive or insulting (it was about myself, and I don't think it could be read as self-incriminating, either... I guess it was slightly self-disparaging in a wry way). I think sometimes it really can just mean like, "good one" or "oh snap," or "you're a witty one," without any hint of "you've just made a faux pas" or "you're clever but clueless." Even if that's not the original/correct sense of the phrase, I think some people use it that way.
posted by désoeuvrée at 2:07 PM on December 11, 2012