Crush with eyeliner
December 5, 2012 4:40 PM   Subscribe

Could this all-consuming crush be due to either thyroid or peri-menopause hormones or something else besides a bolt of lightning?

So I have a great, 10-year long, relationship with my best friend (we're both female). In the past couple of years we've become even closer and 5 days ago, I developed a massive crush on her. It's bad. I think about her all day and night, play scenarios out in my head, talk to myself in my car about her, started a playlist (I told you it was bad!), etc. I've also got insomnia something bad which is unusual for me.

The crush part is actually ok and I'm enjoying the ride. There's no way I can ever breathe a word of it to her since we are both in crappy marriages and, more importantly, she has said she doesn't think she could become a lesbian (in talks unrelated to how much I want to kiss her). But I think I can maintain some semblance of pride and dignity until it goes away. Except for the times when I feel like I want to throw up from the overwhelmingness of it all.

Which brings me to my question, why did it start to begin with? I've always been somewhat attracted to her (as I am to most of my friends) and I've had some dreams about her throughout the years. And I love her most of any of the adults in my life. But when I woke up from those dreams in the past, I thought, "that's silly because I don't find her attractive in *that* way" (although I find other women very attractive in that way).

This happened in an instant and I can't seem to turn it off. Some things I'm thinking about are peri-menopause (I think I'm having signs, haven't talked to my doctor yet) or thyroid levels. I had my thyroid out about 14 months ago and am still in the process of adjusting my levels.

The peri-menopause stuff I'm reading describes personality changes in the opposite direction: depression, anger, etc. so I was wondering if anyone else had this type of reaction instead.

It just seems so overwhelming and uncontrollable that it's made me wonder if there is a chemical or hormonal imbalance going on. I feel almost like I'm manic but I'm not bi-polar or depressed at all (and I know those signs too well - see "crappy marriage" above). But I'm walking around whistling and snapping my fingers at work and just have the biggest smile all the time. Does this set off red flags with anyone? Is there something serious I should be thinking about here?

throwaway account: if you have questions
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I have this theory that a lot of the time, when a crush hits you so bad it becomes this obsession that you're thinking about all the time, a lot of the time it's that your brain is trying to ignore and avoid problems in your own life by finding something else to fixate on. Especially when your problems seem intractable or insurmountable, or like they would take a ton of effort to solve. My guess is that if you solved your marriage problem, this would lessen quite a bit on its own.
posted by cairdeas at 4:59 PM on December 5, 2012 [13 favorites]

IANAD, obviously, buuuuuuut... several thoughts:

1. A sudden burst of intense physical (not so much emotional) desire sounds like it maybe, possibly, theoretically could be due to either an uptick in testosterone production OR a downtick in estrogen/progesterone (FTM transsexuals report feeling like horny teenage boys after getting their first shots, and lots of hormonal birth control methods kill womens' libidos). If you have decent health insurance, it certainly wouldn't hurt to have your GP or an endocrinologist check your hormones.

2. I've known a number of women of perimenopausal age who had harbored vague same-sex attractions for years, but who, for some reason, at that age, began identifying as lesbians. Not saying this is or is NOT what's happening with you - just saying that it's something I've seen a number of times.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:03 PM on December 5, 2012

Also, vis a vis the thyroid: if you were previously massively hypothyroid and recently tweaked your levels to the point that you're finally euthyroid (or even mildly hyper-), you certainly might expect to feel kinda GREAT, comparatively speaking. I can see where this new feeling of well-being might be an ideal incubating ground for a crush - but I cannot see it causing one to hit you like a Mac Truck, all of a sudden and out of nowhere.
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:07 PM on December 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you are both in crappy marriages, and you love her deeply, this is an AWESOME way to deal with those things!

Says the lizard hindbrain.

Been there, done that and I just rode it out. It pops up now and again but I just ride it out. I try not to dwell, and to be mindful (i.e. I am fantasising about being the absolute centre of attention for someone because right now I'm having to share my partner's attention acutely) rather than wallowing in it. As fun as that is.

(Mind you my T4 was up last blood test and I have been pondering asking my GP to check my hormones since my mother went through v. early menopause starting around my age).
posted by geek anachronism at 7:08 PM on December 5, 2012

why did it start to begin with?

we are both in crappy marriages

At least part of the reason.
posted by Miko at 8:00 PM on December 5, 2012

For what it's worth, when I was going through perimenopause, I had incredible spikes in libido that seemed to hit out of nowhere. This skewed my judgment and led me to obsess sexually about people who weren't available or weren't the best choices. However, this was more of a global spike in libido, lusting after strangers as well as friends. Sanity returned when I entered menopause for real due to surgery.
posted by ceiba at 11:37 PM on December 5, 2012

Just smooch her and see what happens.
posted by SassHat at 12:43 PM on December 6, 2012

From the OP:
Thanks for the responses, everyone. Knowing that others have had this kind of hormone rush makes me feel better about it all. Fingers crossed I don't get drunk at her Christmas party!
posted by jessamyn at 12:49 PM on December 6, 2012

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