Give it to the preacher lady!

August 23, 2005 12:14 PM

I need to know the proper etiquette for gift-giving to the officiant at my wedding. She's a pastor from my youth, and after looking her up, she agreed to officiate at my wedding. She never said anything about $$, but we'd like to get her a gift to thank her.

Here's the story: She was a pastor of my church when I was growing up. My parent's stayed at the church and I eventually left as I grew up, moved out, etc (note: I never got another church and my religious beliefs are pretty atheistic.) When my fiancee and I decided to get married, i suggested her as it would be an agreeable choice for both our families.
I looked up the pastor, gave her a call, and she agreed to perform the ceremony for us. She never mentioned anything about costs (I know some officiants charge to do these things,) but we'd be happy to pay if she asked. We would, though, like to get her a small gift to show our thanks, but we're stumped on what to get her.
She's middle-aged, pastor at a faily progressive church in the city where we live, and quite a wonderful woman - if that helps.

posted by itchi23 to Religion & Philosophy (10 answers total)

She probably charges a fee.

Ask the church secretary.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:17 PM on August 23, 2005

My father, a minister, takes no fee and accepts no tips. He will take a bottle of wine or some such, but no money.

I would second BYOB (BTGOG) above, ask the secretary.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:38 PM on August 23, 2005

When I got married, my uncle did the ceremony. He turned down payment, but my parents made a donation to the church where he pastors.
posted by moosedogtoo at 12:43 PM on August 23, 2005

Similar story. A friend of the family officiated, and we donated to his church, and provided a token of appreciation afterwards.
posted by boo_radley at 1:23 PM on August 23, 2005

We were in a similar situation for our wedding, and ended up giving our pastor (who is married with two young children) a gift certificate for dinner with his wife at a nice local restaurant. He seemed very appreciative and said it was entirely appropriate.
posted by gregchttm at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2005

A conflation of the past comments - my father, a minister, doesn't charge a fee, but he appreciates a contribution to his church.
posted by bibliowench at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2005

I'm officiating a wedding (for a friend) this weekend, and I don't expect any gift at all. On the other hand, I'm not going to be giving any gift either.
posted by Invoke at 1:46 PM on August 23, 2005

Ask the officiant directly what they prefer. Give them three choices, a fee, a gift to their church, or a donation to a cause that is near and dear to them in their name. (We selected the third choice with our officiant as his church didn't accept donations.)
posted by IndigoSkye at 1:55 PM on August 23, 2005

I think the usual thing to do is to discreetly pass an envelope with a cash "donation" to the officiant. Usually
the father of the bride does this, in traditional circumstances
that is. I wouldn't ask the officiant, he/she can decide for
themselves what to do with the money and you won't be
putting them on the spot.
posted by bat at 2:49 PM on August 23, 2005

I believe a gift to the officiating person is very appropriate, particularly if you are not an active member of the congregation. After the service have a member of your wedding party (best man/e.g.) give a gift to the minister with a message to the effect-" the bride and groom wanted to give you this in appreciation for all your time and preparation--we hope you will accept this but if you choose not to please feel free to donate it to the church "--In doing a little checking round (internet and experience) I would suggest $50-$250--remember--most clergy are not terribly well compensated and their time is their business and a wedding probably means time away from family/friends. Their other work does not stop because you are getting married. Congratulations
posted by rmhsinc at 5:59 PM on August 23, 2005