I have a crush on another woman. What do I do?

November 19, 2012 3:44 PM

I (female) am developing a crush on one of the pottery instructors at the drop-in I've started going to. We're both in our mid-late twenties (she's slightly younger), and have chatted a little with one another, but not much about personal stuff. I would like to get to know her better, but I have no experience dating women, and no idea how to find out whether she's gay/bi and possibly interested - or whether this might be ill-advised given that she's there in a professional capacity. I'm super shy, and scared of making her uncomfortable by being more friendly (we're in Canada, and I'm European, so not totally in sync with local customs either). Help?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

In general and with all other considerations aside, it is not really a good idea to approach people in a sexy dating fashion at their place of employment.
posted by elizardbits at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2012 [11 favorites]

If it was me (disclaimer: not gay/bi, and not Canadian), I'd ask her to go get coffee or go get lunch sometime do some other low-pressure hangout kind of thing in a public space - the same thing I'd do if I wanted to make an acquaintance/classmate/etc. start heading toward friend level. That way you can do some more chatting and take the "I'm at work so I need to fulfill certain things toward my customers vs. what I want/need for myself" pressure off of her, if that makes sense.
posted by jorlyfish at 3:51 PM on November 19, 2012 [9 favorites]

Yes, I agree. A coffee invite to test the waters. If she declines, you know to take a step back. I have done this before successfully.
posted by michellenoel at 4:04 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

Can you email her? While usually seen as less forthright, that's a good thing here because I feel like it takes some of the immediacy and complication out of the "buh! customer asking me thing! customer wants to be luvahhhhhhh!" issue.
posted by threeants at 6:53 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

You mention that you have no experience dating women--but are you out? Is it likely that she can tell you're bi/gay based on appearances? If no, consider coming out casually in conversation if you can. I know that's easier said than done, but it could help you find out whether she might be interested.

Or if you go the friendly coffee invite route, which I think is OK too, you should do that near to either the end of the course you're in, or just before a break between terms, or whatever--so if anything awkward does happen (and hopefully it will not!) there will be a natural break in interaction.

I'm a Canadian lesbian, but I really can't say anything about the cultural angle without knowing where you are in Canada. This is a pretty drastically different question in Vancouver vs. in Saskatoon. Feel free to memail me if you like.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:01 PM on November 19, 2012 [1 favorite]

"this might be ill-advised given that she's there in a professional capacity" - I think this probably isn't an issue. Dating students is supposed to be one of the perqs of teaching adults, especially in less formal areas, like the arts.
posted by colin_l at 6:00 AM on November 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, ask her to coffee and see how things are in a neutral setting. If she thinks you're being weird or flirty and isn't in to it, you actually have the perfect out -- you're European so you can giggle about being unfamiliar with cultural norms and play it off. It sounds like everyone is an adult and there isn't that weird teacher / student dynamic, so go for it.
posted by mibo at 6:05 AM on November 20, 2012

"this might be ill-advised given that she's there in a professional capacity" - I think this probably isn't an issue. Dating students is supposed to be one of the perqs of teaching adults, especially in less formal areas, like the arts.

True, but there's still the work boundary issue. Nthing the coffee invite. Best of luck.
posted by disconnect at 12:38 PM on November 20, 2012