My boyfriend needs therapy?
November 1, 2012 9:24 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend is depressed about the current state that his life is in and it translates to him being negative, sad, or angry pretty much all the time.
My boyfriend is currently upset about a lot going on his life- finances, living situation, work, etc. Everything seems to leave him on edge. When we are together, all he does is complain about his situation and express negative opinions about others. When we aren't together, I get texts all night about how much his life sucks and how he hates everything. When I suggest ways to try to help him change his situation, he just tells me that he is "stuck" and can't change jobs, can't move, can't keep his house clean, can't not wait until the last minute, etc. When I suggest therapy, he completely writes it off. It's not even an option for him right now.
It's really starting to bring me down. I have no idea what to do or say anymore. He is always on edge and is easily angered. I'm walking on egg shells and nothing I do seems to help. At the same time, I feel like I just do not want to be around someone like this as it puts a huge dark cloud in my day.
This isn't a constant behavior. He does have moments where he seems happy and like his "normal" self, but I am worried those moments are becoming few and far between. We have been dating for almost four years. I don't want to break up with him. I want to help him. I'm just not sure how to help someone who doesn't help themselves.
My boyfriend is currently upset about a lot going on his life- finances, living situation, work, etc. Everything seems to leave him on edge. When we are together, all he does is complain about his situation and express negative opinions about others. When we aren't together, I get texts all night about how much his life sucks and how he hates everything. When I suggest ways to try to help him change his situation, he just tells me that he is "stuck" and can't change jobs, can't move, can't keep his house clean, can't not wait until the last minute, etc. When I suggest therapy, he completely writes it off. It's not even an option for him right now.
It's really starting to bring me down. I have no idea what to do or say anymore. He is always on edge and is easily angered. I'm walking on egg shells and nothing I do seems to help. At the same time, I feel like I just do not want to be around someone like this as it puts a huge dark cloud in my day.
This isn't a constant behavior. He does have moments where he seems happy and like his "normal" self, but I am worried those moments are becoming few and far between. We have been dating for almost four years. I don't want to break up with him. I want to help him. I'm just not sure how to help someone who doesn't help themselves.
I'm sorry that must be rough. All you can do is listen to him, but if it's starting to get you down tell him. It's not a bad thing to communicate about these types of things. If he gets angry at you for telling him that, that just shows his immaturity. Negativity can be contagious. My boyfriend can get like this. He gets mad if someone even looks at him wrong. Just ignore it when he complains of the small stuff. If he is always negative, more negative things are going to happen to him.
posted by Autumn89 at 9:29 AM on November 1, 2012
posted by Autumn89 at 9:29 AM on November 1, 2012
Sometimes life sucks, and it creates some emotional turmoil. Sometimes we become depressed (in a clinical sense), and it becomes the lens through which we interpret everything else. It's good that you encouraged him to at least check this possibility out. It's okay for you to set some conditions for your relationship. For example, you can let him know that you can't keep living this way unless he talks to someone about what's going on. There are kind and non-manipulative ways to communicate this kind of thing.
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2012
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:30 AM on November 1, 2012
When I suggest ways to try to help him change his situation, he just tells me that he is "stuck" and can't change jobs, can't move, can't keep his house clean, can't not wait until the last minute, etc. When I suggest therapy, he completely writes it off. It's not even an option for him right now.
You need to set boundaries and stick to them and be firm. Either he starts talking to a therapist - or just basically does whatever would satisfy you that he's trying to at least change his negative attitude - or you need to walk away. Set a deadline. Feel free to make it a generous one. At this point you've tried everything you can so maybe the realization that he'll lose the only good thing left in his life will shock him out of inaction. But if it doesn't, you have to go.
I know that sucks and I know you don't want to. But if he's gonna be determined to drag someone down, would you rather he drag down one person, or two?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:43 AM on November 1, 2012 [6 favorites]
You need to set boundaries and stick to them and be firm. Either he starts talking to a therapist - or just basically does whatever would satisfy you that he's trying to at least change his negative attitude - or you need to walk away. Set a deadline. Feel free to make it a generous one. At this point you've tried everything you can so maybe the realization that he'll lose the only good thing left in his life will shock him out of inaction. But if it doesn't, you have to go.
I know that sucks and I know you don't want to. But if he's gonna be determined to drag someone down, would you rather he drag down one person, or two?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:43 AM on November 1, 2012 [6 favorites]
I feel like I just do not want to be around someone like this as it puts a huge dark cloud in my day.
Tell him. You know he doesn't want to take action, which is pretty classic for someone who is depressed. But let him know you just can't keep on with him like this. If he knows it is a deal breaker, that might work.
I hate to say this, but you may need to move away from this relationship if telling him how you feel doesn't move him to any action. You can leave the door open -- tell him that if he can start to deal with his situation, you'll be there to support him -- but just remaining mired with him in his current state isn't going to take either of you in a positive direction.
posted by bearwife at 9:46 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Tell him. You know he doesn't want to take action, which is pretty classic for someone who is depressed. But let him know you just can't keep on with him like this. If he knows it is a deal breaker, that might work.
I hate to say this, but you may need to move away from this relationship if telling him how you feel doesn't move him to any action. You can leave the door open -- tell him that if he can start to deal with his situation, you'll be there to support him -- but just remaining mired with him in his current state isn't going to take either of you in a positive direction.
posted by bearwife at 9:46 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm just not sure how to help someone who doesn't help themselves.
You can't. You have to take care of yourself. Your boyfriend has to take care of himself. Accept that you can't do it for him, and then reassess your situation.
I feel like I just do not want to be around someone like this as it puts a huge dark cloud in my day.
Keep this in mind when you reassess your situation. As his partner, you should of course be a sounding board for him. That's not the same as being his therapist or the person who carries his burden for him.
posted by headnsouth at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can't. You have to take care of yourself. Your boyfriend has to take care of himself. Accept that you can't do it for him, and then reassess your situation.
I feel like I just do not want to be around someone like this as it puts a huge dark cloud in my day.
Keep this in mind when you reassess your situation. As his partner, you should of course be a sounding board for him. That's not the same as being his therapist or the person who carries his burden for him.
posted by headnsouth at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Trick him into getting exercise. Do things that require you to go out and walk. Be more active. The things you want him to do, do together at first. Depression feeds off inactivity and depressed people need a bit of help climbing out of the inertia well sometimes.
posted by srboisvert at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by srboisvert at 9:47 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
That boy needs therapy.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 9:48 AM on November 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by tapesonthefloor at 9:48 AM on November 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
Couple of columns actually. Ask him to make a list of all that sucks in his life. Next to that write why and then what he can do about it. (you can add another column if it is something he can change-a Yes or No).
Sit his ass down and then go over each of the things that suck and give suggestions on why and what HE can do about it.
Then is action time. If he doesnt take action he cannot complain.
Most likely only two things can happen. One is that he will see things clearly which is why most folks are confused and troubled because it is all in their heads but they cant be clear about it. That will help him to take action.
Or, he will or is a lazy guy who only wants to complain and not do anything. This is the time he will show you what he is really made up of. In such a case you need to figure out if you want to leave or stay with someone like this who will drain you of your energy, be a huge burden around your neck bringing you down. Such people are something you have to drag forever. Up to you. Good luck
posted by pakora1 at 10:06 AM on November 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Sit his ass down and then go over each of the things that suck and give suggestions on why and what HE can do about it.
Then is action time. If he doesnt take action he cannot complain.
Most likely only two things can happen. One is that he will see things clearly which is why most folks are confused and troubled because it is all in their heads but they cant be clear about it. That will help him to take action.
Or, he will or is a lazy guy who only wants to complain and not do anything. This is the time he will show you what he is really made up of. In such a case you need to figure out if you want to leave or stay with someone like this who will drain you of your energy, be a huge burden around your neck bringing you down. Such people are something you have to drag forever. Up to you. Good luck
posted by pakora1 at 10:06 AM on November 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're right that being with someone with untreated depression is terribly draining and damages your quality of life. And everyone deserves a life that is not exhausting.
My partner has a history of--and issues with--depression. He's generally unmedicated and what works for us is his promise that if he needs help, if he feels himself reaching the point where he needs medication or therapy, he will tell me. I will make the first appointment. I will drive him there; I will drop off and pick up the first prescription; and I will remind him to take the pills until he's on a working regimen. This is a promise from him that I can trust and that he know is a deal-breaker. If he lets his depression go untreated to the point where neither of us can cope with the illness, I can leave. He knows this; I know it.
Exacting such a promise from a person whose depression has gone too far is probably not possible. Asking for it might even be cruel. But it might be worth keeping in mind for the future.
I would suggest taking a day when your boyfriend is doing well. Go somewhere comfortable and private and gently explain that you think he needs to see a doctor--not a therapist--a medical doctor who can diagnose the malaise and prescribe something. That you love him, you're worried, and that surely he's aware that he's not doing well. Tell him you'll make the appointment; you'll take him and drop him off; you'll run errands necessary to get him into a treatment plan that works. Assure him you'll work with him to improve the situation, but that if it doesn't improve, you can't live like this.
Only you can tell when it's gone too far, but please understand that sometimes, yes, it does go too far, and that leaving a person with an untreated and destructive illness is sometimes necessary.
Like someone noted above, diet, exercise, and laying off the self-medicating (drugs or alcohol) can help. Perhaps use those things to facilitate a "good day" but I'd be surprised if they were enough on their own to improve his condition in the long term. There's pretty good evidence that these patterns of thinking create really strong feedback loops in the brain chemistry.
posted by LeeloDallasMultiSocks at 10:10 AM on November 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
My partner has a history of--and issues with--depression. He's generally unmedicated and what works for us is his promise that if he needs help, if he feels himself reaching the point where he needs medication or therapy, he will tell me. I will make the first appointment. I will drive him there; I will drop off and pick up the first prescription; and I will remind him to take the pills until he's on a working regimen. This is a promise from him that I can trust and that he know is a deal-breaker. If he lets his depression go untreated to the point where neither of us can cope with the illness, I can leave. He knows this; I know it.
Exacting such a promise from a person whose depression has gone too far is probably not possible. Asking for it might even be cruel. But it might be worth keeping in mind for the future.
I would suggest taking a day when your boyfriend is doing well. Go somewhere comfortable and private and gently explain that you think he needs to see a doctor--not a therapist--a medical doctor who can diagnose the malaise and prescribe something. That you love him, you're worried, and that surely he's aware that he's not doing well. Tell him you'll make the appointment; you'll take him and drop him off; you'll run errands necessary to get him into a treatment plan that works. Assure him you'll work with him to improve the situation, but that if it doesn't improve, you can't live like this.
Only you can tell when it's gone too far, but please understand that sometimes, yes, it does go too far, and that leaving a person with an untreated and destructive illness is sometimes necessary.
Like someone noted above, diet, exercise, and laying off the self-medicating (drugs or alcohol) can help. Perhaps use those things to facilitate a "good day" but I'd be surprised if they were enough on their own to improve his condition in the long term. There's pretty good evidence that these patterns of thinking create really strong feedback loops in the brain chemistry.
posted by LeeloDallasMultiSocks at 10:10 AM on November 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
I highly recommend two books that might help: "Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond" and "Talking to Depression."
Depressed people can be assholes. I say that both as someone who struggles with depression and as the partner of someone who struggles with depression. It sounds like you're experiencing something really common, which is basically, "Where is the person I love? I don't like this person very much at all." It's ok to feel that way. Your boyfriend isn't trying to be an asshole, but that doesn't mean his behavior doesn't affect you.
It is a problem if he won't get treatment. You are doing your best to be supportive, but everyone upthread is right: you can't make him better. You also can't be his therapist. You are not a substitute for a professional. Both of the books above recommend ways that you can talk to him about about treatment options and encourage him to pursue them. And Depression Fallout (and Anne Sheffield's other book "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed") talk about what to do if you feel like you might need to leave the relationship.
All of these books emphasize that you have to take care of yourself first. I'm so sorry that this is happening, I know it can be tough. Good luck.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 10:10 AM on November 1, 2012 [7 favorites]
Depressed people can be assholes. I say that both as someone who struggles with depression and as the partner of someone who struggles with depression. It sounds like you're experiencing something really common, which is basically, "Where is the person I love? I don't like this person very much at all." It's ok to feel that way. Your boyfriend isn't trying to be an asshole, but that doesn't mean his behavior doesn't affect you.
It is a problem if he won't get treatment. You are doing your best to be supportive, but everyone upthread is right: you can't make him better. You also can't be his therapist. You are not a substitute for a professional. Both of the books above recommend ways that you can talk to him about about treatment options and encourage him to pursue them. And Depression Fallout (and Anne Sheffield's other book "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed") talk about what to do if you feel like you might need to leave the relationship.
All of these books emphasize that you have to take care of yourself first. I'm so sorry that this is happening, I know it can be tough. Good luck.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 10:10 AM on November 1, 2012 [7 favorites]
Sometimes we like to stay angry and complain because it allows us to do nothing to better our situations. A lot of people like playing the victim role and staying angry. They justify their anger and feel entitled to it. They spend a lot of energy complaining about their sucky situations instead of using that energy to better their situation. Angry victims are always looking for sympathy and are looking for ways to justify their anger. Your boyfriend might not even be aware of what he's doing or how he's alienating others and destroying his own life. Angry victims believe they are a special case and others don't know what it's like to be them.
Yes, he should seek therapy but you can't make him do that. What you can do is refuse to coddle him and quit trying to come up with solutions. I'm not accusing you of coddling, and any loving person would want to help her partner, but you can't help the angry victim by offering solutions and sympathy. It's more helpful to point out what he's doing and refuse to hear when he's putting others down or wallowing in self-pity. He needs to be aware of his anger and take responsibility for his behavior.
posted by Fairchild at 10:19 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yes, he should seek therapy but you can't make him do that. What you can do is refuse to coddle him and quit trying to come up with solutions. I'm not accusing you of coddling, and any loving person would want to help her partner, but you can't help the angry victim by offering solutions and sympathy. It's more helpful to point out what he's doing and refuse to hear when he's putting others down or wallowing in self-pity. He needs to be aware of his anger and take responsibility for his behavior.
posted by Fairchild at 10:19 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Approaches for fixing his depression (or his life) are not going to work because he does not want you to fix him. What he wants is for you to listen and make sympathy noises when he complains.
You should recognize this, discuss that you have conflicting needs (he wants you to listen/sympathize, you don't want to hear it), and offer a compromise where you both get what you need some of the time. As a suggestion: he gets a fixed amount of time each day when he can vent and whine and you'll give him unconditional sympathy without trying to nag or fix things, outside of that time period he needs to suck it up.
posted by anaelith at 10:27 AM on November 1, 2012
You should recognize this, discuss that you have conflicting needs (he wants you to listen/sympathize, you don't want to hear it), and offer a compromise where you both get what you need some of the time. As a suggestion: he gets a fixed amount of time each day when he can vent and whine and you'll give him unconditional sympathy without trying to nag or fix things, outside of that time period he needs to suck it up.
posted by anaelith at 10:27 AM on November 1, 2012
He is always on edge and is easily angered. I'm walking on egg shells and nothing I do seems to help.
Be very careful that you are not slipping into codependent mode and tolerating his bullshit, or
"trying to help him". I've been there (I was the angry one) and it's all bullshit. If you're walking on eggshells, stop. Call him out. Leave. Tell him he's acting like a child. He can self-destruct all he likes but don't go along with him. Don't think you can change him if you're a good and loving partner who only wants to help. The man needs to take some personal responsibility. Everybody gets angry and an emotion is an emotion but he crosses a line when he abusing and alienating others with his anger.
posted by Fairchild at 10:35 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Be very careful that you are not slipping into codependent mode and tolerating his bullshit, or
"trying to help him". I've been there (I was the angry one) and it's all bullshit. If you're walking on eggshells, stop. Call him out. Leave. Tell him he's acting like a child. He can self-destruct all he likes but don't go along with him. Don't think you can change him if you're a good and loving partner who only wants to help. The man needs to take some personal responsibility. Everybody gets angry and an emotion is an emotion but he crosses a line when he abusing and alienating others with his anger.
posted by Fairchild at 10:35 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
My husband was in a similar situation some time ago, after an extended period of unemployment following a very unexpected (as in, he had been assured his job was safe) layoff.
I tried to help him but it became clear to me that although I was being well-intentioned, I was well out of my depth. Absolutely nothing I said helped, and in fact would sometimes anger him more. It was making me miserable and an emotional wreck. It made me doubt myself to the point that I truly wondered if I was a bad person because the things I was saying and thought were good, positive things were apparently terrible and hurtful.
I eventually admitted to myself that I couldn't handle the situation anymore. I realized that the best way to help him was to do whatever it took to get him into therapy. I know people frown on ultimatums, but I had nothing else at my disposal other than to say, "I can't do this anymore. I am here to help you in any way I can, but I can't help you in your current state. It's not fair to expect me to be here for you when you aren't doing anything to help yourself. Either you go to therapy, or we need to separate." And I meant it.
He had been resisting therapy for a long time, but this finally worked. I told him that the idea was to explore his feelings and find coping skills, and I wasn't implying anything bad about him by saying he could benefit from therapy.
He was in therapy for a few months, until he and his therapist both agreed that he had reached a point where he understood his feelings better and had learned some good ways to handle them and cope. It was very, very helpful and he still draws on what he learned when he starts to experience the kinds of feelings that seem to send him on a spiral.
Please know that admitting that you don't have the skills to help him does not reflect badly on you. You may feel this at some point, or he may even imply it ( as in, "if I loved him enough, I'd be able to help him.") He has an issue that requires professional assistance, and it is a show of love to acknowledge this and ask him to get that assistance.
Best of luck to both of you.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 11:08 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I tried to help him but it became clear to me that although I was being well-intentioned, I was well out of my depth. Absolutely nothing I said helped, and in fact would sometimes anger him more. It was making me miserable and an emotional wreck. It made me doubt myself to the point that I truly wondered if I was a bad person because the things I was saying and thought were good, positive things were apparently terrible and hurtful.
I eventually admitted to myself that I couldn't handle the situation anymore. I realized that the best way to help him was to do whatever it took to get him into therapy. I know people frown on ultimatums, but I had nothing else at my disposal other than to say, "I can't do this anymore. I am here to help you in any way I can, but I can't help you in your current state. It's not fair to expect me to be here for you when you aren't doing anything to help yourself. Either you go to therapy, or we need to separate." And I meant it.
He had been resisting therapy for a long time, but this finally worked. I told him that the idea was to explore his feelings and find coping skills, and I wasn't implying anything bad about him by saying he could benefit from therapy.
He was in therapy for a few months, until he and his therapist both agreed that he had reached a point where he understood his feelings better and had learned some good ways to handle them and cope. It was very, very helpful and he still draws on what he learned when he starts to experience the kinds of feelings that seem to send him on a spiral.
Please know that admitting that you don't have the skills to help him does not reflect badly on you. You may feel this at some point, or he may even imply it ( as in, "if I loved him enough, I'd be able to help him.") He has an issue that requires professional assistance, and it is a show of love to acknowledge this and ask him to get that assistance.
Best of luck to both of you.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 11:08 AM on November 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
We have been dating for almost four years. I don't want to break up with him.
I wanted to address this first, before giving my two cents.
Is the reason that you don't want to break up with him because you've been together for four years? Or are those two, separate thoughts?
The reason I ask is because so many people stay in deteriorating situations because of the sunk cost fallacy. If you're hanging in with a relationship that no longer gives you what YOU need, and instead drains you, merely because you've been with this guy for four years, I think you need to reassess.
If you want to stay with your boyfriend for other reasons, I'll continue:
He's wallowed enough. Now he needs to take action.
1. Get a counsellor/see the doctor. Now.
2. He needs to clean the house. Now.
These are two things for which there is NO prohibition. He can call around to find a therapist who will accept his insurance, or will see him on a sliding scale, or whatever.
Cleaning the house, that's just common sense. It will take a couple of hours and no one should live in a shit-hole or visit one.
I see no reason that you shouldn't put your foot down and insist that these two things get done this weekend.
If he's still resistant, if he still refuses, then tell him you want a break and cut him off from texting, calling and being with you until he can do so in a positive frame of mind, or until he's actively working on it.
How long would you put up with someone with abdominal pain, who complained about it, but who refused to go to the doctor? At what point would you just take them to the hospital for an apendectomy? At some point, the only thing to do is to take action. Since you can't do this for him, he needs to do it.
You've been offered some scripts here, they're all pretty good. Use the one fits you the best.
You teach people how to treat you. If you allow your boyfriend to vent to you, as you have been doing, then why would he change, when it feels so good?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:57 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I wanted to address this first, before giving my two cents.
Is the reason that you don't want to break up with him because you've been together for four years? Or are those two, separate thoughts?
The reason I ask is because so many people stay in deteriorating situations because of the sunk cost fallacy. If you're hanging in with a relationship that no longer gives you what YOU need, and instead drains you, merely because you've been with this guy for four years, I think you need to reassess.
If you want to stay with your boyfriend for other reasons, I'll continue:
He's wallowed enough. Now he needs to take action.
1. Get a counsellor/see the doctor. Now.
2. He needs to clean the house. Now.
These are two things for which there is NO prohibition. He can call around to find a therapist who will accept his insurance, or will see him on a sliding scale, or whatever.
Cleaning the house, that's just common sense. It will take a couple of hours and no one should live in a shit-hole or visit one.
I see no reason that you shouldn't put your foot down and insist that these two things get done this weekend.
If he's still resistant, if he still refuses, then tell him you want a break and cut him off from texting, calling and being with you until he can do so in a positive frame of mind, or until he's actively working on it.
How long would you put up with someone with abdominal pain, who complained about it, but who refused to go to the doctor? At what point would you just take them to the hospital for an apendectomy? At some point, the only thing to do is to take action. Since you can't do this for him, he needs to do it.
You've been offered some scripts here, they're all pretty good. Use the one fits you the best.
You teach people how to treat you. If you allow your boyfriend to vent to you, as you have been doing, then why would he change, when it feels so good?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:57 AM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is a tough one.
On the one hand, if he is depressed, then you are not talking to him, you're talking to his condition. Cognitive distortions like "I am stuck and nothing will ever change" are commonly associated with clinical depression. So is persistent hopelessness and dread. If he is clinically depressed, then it's possible that "helping himself" is not an option, because he's not in control. In other words, if this is a medical condition then he isn't going to just snap out of it, and blaming him for the problem is also not appropriate because it's not his fault that he's clinically depressed.
On the other hand, encouraging his helplessness isn't going to help him either. If he is clinically depressed, the solution should involve some combination of therapy and/or medication to help with the symptoms. You are correct to suggest that he seek therapy, but you shouldn't be surprised that he is resistant to it, given his state. Ultimately, you can't force him to go to therapy. Which just leaves you with how you should act.
I think you have to assess how serious the situation is. Do you feel that he is threatening to you or dangerous? If so, don't try to "stick it out." If you think he is a threat to himself, call the police. If not, you may have to decide how long you're willing to hold on to this relationship. It's hard to be in a relationship, even with someone you really love, if they aren't giving you anything in return. It may get worse or it may get better, but don't expect that you'll be able to fix someone's psychological condition.
posted by deathpanels at 12:09 PM on November 1, 2012
On the one hand, if he is depressed, then you are not talking to him, you're talking to his condition. Cognitive distortions like "I am stuck and nothing will ever change" are commonly associated with clinical depression. So is persistent hopelessness and dread. If he is clinically depressed, then it's possible that "helping himself" is not an option, because he's not in control. In other words, if this is a medical condition then he isn't going to just snap out of it, and blaming him for the problem is also not appropriate because it's not his fault that he's clinically depressed.
On the other hand, encouraging his helplessness isn't going to help him either. If he is clinically depressed, the solution should involve some combination of therapy and/or medication to help with the symptoms. You are correct to suggest that he seek therapy, but you shouldn't be surprised that he is resistant to it, given his state. Ultimately, you can't force him to go to therapy. Which just leaves you with how you should act.
I think you have to assess how serious the situation is. Do you feel that he is threatening to you or dangerous? If so, don't try to "stick it out." If you think he is a threat to himself, call the police. If not, you may have to decide how long you're willing to hold on to this relationship. It's hard to be in a relationship, even with someone you really love, if they aren't giving you anything in return. It may get worse or it may get better, but don't expect that you'll be able to fix someone's psychological condition.
posted by deathpanels at 12:09 PM on November 1, 2012
In my relationship, I am the depressed partner. What I'm doing to stop burdening my boyfriend (who has been my rock for far too long now) is: starting therapy next week, trying to cope more effectively by reading self-help books instead of displacing my negative feelings onto him, and focusing my energy on taking better care of myself. As I'm sure you know, his motivation has to come from within, and until he finds it, your relationship is likely to stay the way it is.
Boundaries are your friend. I've reached a point in my relationship where I have to create them because my boyfriend is all too willing to shoulder the weight of my unhappiness, and that just isn't right.
At some point, he has to open his eyes to how his depression affects you. That moment when I saw how overwhelmed my boyfriend was by my constant state of suffering was when I finally snapped back to reality and made an appointment with a counselor.
I wish you two the best. Take care of yourself.
posted by constellations at 12:11 PM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Boundaries are your friend. I've reached a point in my relationship where I have to create them because my boyfriend is all too willing to shoulder the weight of my unhappiness, and that just isn't right.
At some point, he has to open his eyes to how his depression affects you. That moment when I saw how overwhelmed my boyfriend was by my constant state of suffering was when I finally snapped back to reality and made an appointment with a counselor.
I wish you two the best. Take care of yourself.
posted by constellations at 12:11 PM on November 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I care about you, but for the last [period of time] you've spent so much time dwelling on and vocalizing negative thoughts that it's been stressing me out and bringing me down. Have you been thinking about how you can dael with this, such as going to talk to a therapist or changing your [stressful situation] or something?"
If he says he's not going to try anything, or that he doesn't see a problem, or lashes out at you, you can follow up with:
"If you [aren't going to try anything|don't see this as a problem|are going to jump down my throat for bringing it up], then you need to know: the challenge of dealing with your moodiness isn't nearly as bad as the problem I have with that response. You need to acknowledge this is a problem for you, and if it really isn't, at least acknowledge it is a problem for me, and try to do something about it. If you can't or won't, then I can't -- or won't -- be in a relationship with you."
Might as well just bring it to the forefront and see what he says, or get permission to move on without much drama because he's showed you his cards.
posted by davejay at 7:31 PM on November 1, 2012
If he says he's not going to try anything, or that he doesn't see a problem, or lashes out at you, you can follow up with:
"If you [aren't going to try anything|don't see this as a problem|are going to jump down my throat for bringing it up], then you need to know: the challenge of dealing with your moodiness isn't nearly as bad as the problem I have with that response. You need to acknowledge this is a problem for you, and if it really isn't, at least acknowledge it is a problem for me, and try to do something about it. If you can't or won't, then I can't -- or won't -- be in a relationship with you."
Might as well just bring it to the forefront and see what he says, or get permission to move on without much drama because he's showed you his cards.
posted by davejay at 7:31 PM on November 1, 2012
Although he's uncomfortable seeking counseling he may still be open to asking his primary care doctor for an SSRI like Zoloft or Wellbutrin for a short time. It may help immensely in itself and seeing that it does work may change his thinking about counseling.
posted by putzface_dickman at 3:36 AM on November 2, 2012
posted by putzface_dickman at 3:36 AM on November 2, 2012
My husband has depression issues, and we have a pattern worked out much like LeeloDallas has with his/her partner. That said, when my husband's in a depressive phase, simple, short, declarative boundaries help the most.
For instance: "I love you. This is really hard for me. It's really impacting me - negatively - to watch you spiral downhill like this. I can't do this anymore. I need you to get help."
It might feel mean. It might feel like you're abandoning him. You're not. What you are doing is laying out, "This is where I am. This is my limit." That's a kindness. It means you're giving some ideas as to where your limits lie, as opposed to just walking out one day. And if this continues, that's quite likely - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually you'll reach a point like the young rope-rider and just lose your shit and be done. You'll just be done and there will be nothing that will make it better. Everyone has a limit. It's ok for you to tell him where your limit is, especially if you can tell him before you reach it.
He may get pissed off. He may say that you're not being supportive. He's wrong. You've been supportive, and I bet if he got help you'd continue to be supportive. But you have to take care of you.
posted by RogueTech at 9:35 AM on November 2, 2012
For instance: "I love you. This is really hard for me. It's really impacting me - negatively - to watch you spiral downhill like this. I can't do this anymore. I need you to get help."
It might feel mean. It might feel like you're abandoning him. You're not. What you are doing is laying out, "This is where I am. This is my limit." That's a kindness. It means you're giving some ideas as to where your limits lie, as opposed to just walking out one day. And if this continues, that's quite likely - maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually you'll reach a point like the young rope-rider and just lose your shit and be done. You'll just be done and there will be nothing that will make it better. Everyone has a limit. It's ok for you to tell him where your limit is, especially if you can tell him before you reach it.
He may get pissed off. He may say that you're not being supportive. He's wrong. You've been supportive, and I bet if he got help you'd continue to be supportive. But you have to take care of you.
posted by RogueTech at 9:35 AM on November 2, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Saying, "It makes me feel sad/upset/helpless when you go on and on about how terrible things are and won't engage about the possible solutions we can decide upon together. So from now on, we can talk for [x minutes, whatever] per phone call/day about it, then I'm either going to change the subject, or we're not going to hang out/talk on the phone/email about it for the rest of the day" can protect you from letting him bring you down.
posted by xingcat at 9:29 AM on November 1, 2012 [6 favorites]