Do I miss my boyfriend or not?
October 27, 2012 2:12 PM   Subscribe

So my boyfriend went away for a week for work. I thought I'd miss him like crazy, but I kinda don't? Is this normal??

We've been together a little over a year now. It really has been the best year of my life and I know he would say the same thing. He told me after one week that he loved me (I know! Fast!), and we really have barely been apart since then. We've talked seriously about marriage, too. I have no doubt that he is the one for me, except....he had to go away on business this week. Because of the distance traveled and work logistics, we haven't really had a chance to talk. This is our first real separation in a year. Thing is, I don't really miss him. I mean, I can't wait until he comes home, but the quiet time has been nice. Is this normal? Or is my subconscious trying to tell me some deep, dark thing I didn't know?? It might seem silly, but I'm seriously confused about why I don't miss him more.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Perfectly normal. You are still two different people.
posted by trip and a half at 2:14 PM on October 27, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sounds like you're finding yourself in a healthy, not codependent relationship, possibly for the first time. Unless you're actively dreading his return, I think you can celebrate this.
posted by telegraph at 2:14 PM on October 27, 2012 [22 favorites]

I mean, I can't wait until he comes home, but the quiet time has been nice.

This is, I think, the ideal reaction - you miss him, but not so much that it's interfering with your life, and you're able to appreciate the upside (quiet time). Congratulations - you appear to have a healthy relationship!
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:18 PM on October 27, 2012 [53 favorites]

This is normal and healthy, and is expected of a mature relationship.
posted by Tanizaki at 2:19 PM on October 27, 2012

Sounds healthy to me. My wife heads out on various adventures a few times a year... Me and the dog get to do all the stuff we want that she doesn't enjoy, approve of, or tolerate. Our diet is terrible and we stay up too late....

posted by HuronBob at 2:21 PM on October 27, 2012 [13 favorites]

TOTALLY healthy. You are secure in your relationship, and I bet you will be really glad to see him when he gets back.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:22 PM on October 27, 2012

Sure. You know he's coming back, you know it's a week. You're getting to indulge in the feelings and actions that you cannot when he is around, but which might pale over longer than a week. If you missed him terribly I would actually consider that a bit more of a problem.
posted by OmieWise at 2:26 PM on October 27, 2012

Of course, you don't have to tell him that. I always tell my wife how much I've missed her, even if what I mean is that I'd miss her if the separation went on much longer than a week.
posted by OmieWise at 2:27 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Nothing wrong with this. I love my wife, but also enjoy having a few days to myself now and then.
posted by Area Man at 2:27 PM on October 27, 2012

Honey, it's not a bug, it's a feature!
posted by ouke at 2:31 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

My SO was away for a week. I missed him a bit but I also really enjoyed having the whole bed to myself and being able to work at night without worrying about waking anyone.

I found I missed him *when he got home*, like then the sudden rush of OH GOD I MISSED YOU happened.
posted by The Whelk at 2:39 PM on October 27, 2012 [5 favorites]

As others have said, this is healthy and mature -- because it's a clear sign that you have maintained a solid sense of self separate from your boyfriend, even as you love him like crazy.
posted by scody at 2:46 PM on October 27, 2012 [2 favorites]

Normal! I was in a long-distance relationship with Mr Telophase for three years before he finally moved to my city, and I can't say I spent a whole lot of time missing him when we weren't together. It helped that we emailed and texted a lot, and talked on the phone a bit.

I didn't really start missing him when he wasn't with me until we moved in together, then married. And now when he's not here, it feels obvious that a presence in my life that I'm used to being with isn't near me.

I went to Japan for 3 weeks about a year after we started dating and didn't miss him at all then, although I felt vaguely guilty about that when I realized I didn't! But there was really too much new stuff to do and see to spend much time thinking about other things. And one day I will return to Japan, this time with him, and that will be awesome also. (I should maybe admit that I didn't miss my cat, either, until I was almost home and then ALL I WANTED was to see my cat but the car that was supposed to pick me up from the airport was delayed, and I had a cold, and I was horribly jetlagged and all this was conspiring to KEEP ME FROM MY CAT.)
posted by telophase at 3:15 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Totally normal. My husband goes away for a couple of days to a couple of weeks a few times a year and I LOVE IT. In now way does this mean I do not love him, it just means I enjoy my own company and flying solo for a bit.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:20 PM on October 27, 2012

I have gone away without my SO a few times during our relationship and only talked to him a couple of times in a week, but we still engaged in mass snuggles upon my return. This is totally fine. Enjoy being with yourself.
posted by futureisunwritten at 3:20 PM on October 27, 2012

Normal - and healthy. What trip and a half said... you're still two different people, and the quiet alone time is nice. I'm introverted, meaning, I recharge by being alone... so the occasional week apart or whatever is heaven (and nothing personal). I stay up super late working on art projects and watching Pride and Prejudice with the commentary on; he can watch history documentaries and eat lamb burritos in his underwear.

We were long distance for about two months, six months into our relationship. I didn't miss him, and this kinda worried me too, at the time. It's good though... I like him and want him - but I don't NEED him. We're confidant, mature adults who would also be OK on our own. I think this fact alone is a huge part of our success. We got married about a year after that, and will have been married five years next year. We're very happy together. =) =)
posted by jrobin276 at 3:43 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

When my wife goes out of town, I'm excited. It gives me a week or whatever to slob around, to watch horror movies (she doesn't like them and I can watch when she's asleep, but not loud because she doesn't like waking to chainsaws and screaming) all night long, to eat the way I want to eat, to throw myself into projects or going to the gym without worrying about us spending time together, and so on. It's like a little vacation from my life.

But I'm awfully glad when she gets back.

I think as long as you're glad when he comes back, things are fine.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 5:28 PM on October 27, 2012 [1 favorite]

Relationships, even happy ones, have a rarely spoken of downside, which you've just found out: Constantly sharing physical, emotional and mental space can be a little exhausting.

Having a the time and space to not have to consider another person, even one we dearly love, turns into a rare treat.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:30 PM on October 27, 2012 [7 favorites]

Congratulations. You're a grown-up.
posted by rokusan at 8:38 PM on October 27, 2012

"Or is my subconscious trying to tell me some deep, dark thing I didn't know??"

YES! That you are happy, secure and a complete person on your own, congratulations, depressingly few people get this far.
posted by Blasdelb at 2:49 AM on October 28, 2012

I've been married for 10 years and love my wife to bits, but it's just lovely when she goes away. I slob around, drink heavily, play videogames. Then about a day before she comes back I clean up the house obsessively and get really excited about her walking back into the house.

So: no, you're fine.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:32 PM on October 28, 2012

I asked my therapist about this once. I think I said something like, "I absolutely love my partner and want to stay with him for the rest of my life, but I feel like if I didn't...I would be okay." She said, "Don't you think that's ideal?"

You enhance each other's lives but your self is still intact without him. Hooray for healthy relationships!
posted by TrixieRamble at 3:43 PM on October 28, 2012

My husband used to go on business trips once a month for 3 days at a time. I really enjoyed having some real "me" time where I got to slob around, watch a million episodes of Friends, eat stinky Korean food to my heart's content, read really late into the night without worrying that the light was keeping him up, and basically hog the entire bed. So yeah, totally normal and I would say healthy.

But you know how in the Calvin & Hobbes comic strip Hobbes always waits by the door and just LAUNCHES himself at Calvin when he comes home from school? That's sort of how I feel when he gets home.
posted by like_neon at 2:45 AM on October 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

IME, totally normal and healthy. My husband goes on the road for a week or so a couple of time a year and we've come to recognize that it's a really good thing for our relationship. From my perspective, a week of peace and quiet, and being able to cook anything I want without concern about his tastes? Oh yeah.

Although we did find that while we were fine texting each other during the week, we made the mistake of having an actual phone call about five days in, at which point we both got walloped by the invisible hammer of I miss my sweetie I'm tired of sleeping alone wahhhhhh!
posted by Lexica at 7:12 PM on October 29, 2012

It's normal. Don't over think things. It's good to feel a sense of independence and limerence is actually quite limiting.
posted by minerving at 5:01 PM on October 30, 2012

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