Awkward + shy + no date
October 20, 2012 9:34 AM Subscribe
Help a shy girl socialize at a wedding where she knows nobody
A good friend of mine, with whom I hang out alone, for dinner or drinks, a few times a year, and attend events based on our shared hobbies, is getting married tonight. Yay! I love her. Her fiancee is great, I'm very happy for her. I was invited so I feel like it's important to her that I be there, so I will be attending.
But I literally will know 3 people. Her, her finance, and one of her friends, who is a bridesmaid. (I wasn't given a date.) Of course there will not be time to hang out with any of them at the ceremony, they all will be doing wedding party things. I am a super shy person who can usually do okay with a conversation once I get in there, but starting them is a nightmare.
I think once I get to the dinner part I will be solid (can talk about the food, forced seating, etc, and I know my friend has put thought into seating chart) but the cocktail hour after the ceremony/before the sit-down, is where my nerves lie. My fallback for this type of situation is spending time in the bathroom and non-bathroom time checking my phone--which is way too tacky to do at a wedding I know. How do I introduce myself to people and what are good topics (besides "beautiful ceremony!" "do you know bride or groom?" I feel like those are yes/no type answers not conducive to full convos).
Wedding is this weekend and we're on the east coast, if that helps.
A good friend of mine, with whom I hang out alone, for dinner or drinks, a few times a year, and attend events based on our shared hobbies, is getting married tonight. Yay! I love her. Her fiancee is great, I'm very happy for her. I was invited so I feel like it's important to her that I be there, so I will be attending.
But I literally will know 3 people. Her, her finance, and one of her friends, who is a bridesmaid. (I wasn't given a date.) Of course there will not be time to hang out with any of them at the ceremony, they all will be doing wedding party things. I am a super shy person who can usually do okay with a conversation once I get in there, but starting them is a nightmare.
I think once I get to the dinner part I will be solid (can talk about the food, forced seating, etc, and I know my friend has put thought into seating chart) but the cocktail hour after the ceremony/before the sit-down, is where my nerves lie. My fallback for this type of situation is spending time in the bathroom and non-bathroom time checking my phone--which is way too tacky to do at a wedding I know. How do I introduce myself to people and what are good topics (besides "beautiful ceremony!" "do you know bride or groom?" I feel like those are yes/no type answers not conducive to full convos).
Wedding is this weekend and we're on the east coast, if that helps.
Have two drinks in addition to whatever other advice you get in this thread (one if you're small and don't normally drink). Seriously, it'll calm your nerves, which is a prerequisite to anything else.
posted by Rykey at 9:42 AM on October 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Rykey at 9:42 AM on October 20, 2012 [5 favorites]
My fiance runs off on me at weddings all the time, leaving me to be pretty much alone. I've got some practice at this now.
You know what? Introducing yourself, and then discussing "how do you know the bride/groom?" "where are you from?" "what do you do?" things are all perfectly fine as conversation starters. People aren't really that creative in starting conversations, this is what they all want to know anyway. Continuing a conversation is about asking the other person a question relevant to what they've mentioned, something that piqued your interest (if even only slightly).
People will default to being more chatty at a wedding because they know everyone's connected to the bride and groom, not just strangers. Make at least one friend to start, and get them to introduce you to other people, thereby doing the hard part for you.
posted by lizbunny at 9:45 AM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
You know what? Introducing yourself, and then discussing "how do you know the bride/groom?" "where are you from?" "what do you do?" things are all perfectly fine as conversation starters. People aren't really that creative in starting conversations, this is what they all want to know anyway. Continuing a conversation is about asking the other person a question relevant to what they've mentioned, something that piqued your interest (if even only slightly).
People will default to being more chatty at a wedding because they know everyone's connected to the bride and groom, not just strangers. Make at least one friend to start, and get them to introduce you to other people, thereby doing the hard part for you.
posted by lizbunny at 9:45 AM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
YMMV, but I'm also naturally awkward & shy and cover it up by taking it upon myself to approach others who appear to be the same and bond with them over being awkward & shy in a crowded place. It also takes my mind off my own social anxiety if I'm busy scanning the group for someone else who's checking their phone, staring at their hands, etc. Then I get my courage up, walk over, and say, "Hi, I'm Pammeke - I'm a guest of the bride, but I only know her, her fiance and one other person here. I figured if I introduced myself to you, I'd know two other people." [sheepish grin]
Only very rarely have I had that not result in commiseration/chumminess, and in those cases I just said, "Um... OK! Nice to meet you!" and went off to the ladies' room to get my courage up again. And a cocktail hour is just an hour...
As for topics, I always like hearing stories about the bride/groom which are funny/touching/charming/impressive, regardless of which side I'm sitting on. Maybe something related to your shared hobbies?
Good luck! I'll be rooting for you!
posted by pammeke at 9:48 AM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Only very rarely have I had that not result in commiseration/chumminess, and in those cases I just said, "Um... OK! Nice to meet you!" and went off to the ladies' room to get my courage up again. And a cocktail hour is just an hour...
As for topics, I always like hearing stories about the bride/groom which are funny/touching/charming/impressive, regardless of which side I'm sitting on. Maybe something related to your shared hobbies?
Good luck! I'll be rooting for you!
posted by pammeke at 9:48 AM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Seconding the whole 'so how do you know the couple, where are you from, etc'. I jut went to a wedding where I didn't really know anyone, and I'm kind of awkward and shy too but I was dancing with everyone by the end of the night.
posted by greta simone at 9:49 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by greta simone at 9:49 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Remember that at most weddings half the people don't know the other half. It'll probably be impossible for other people to tell that you know nobody; most people will just assume that you happen to be among the half they don't know.
"Do you know the bride or groom?" becomes more than a yes/no answer with a simple change to "how do you know the bride and groom?"
posted by oliverburkeman at 9:50 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Do you know the bride or groom?" becomes more than a yes/no answer with a simple change to "how do you know the bride and groom?"
posted by oliverburkeman at 9:50 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
Can you offer to help during cocktail hour? The wedding party might be hectic at the time, so you could help take some of the weight off them while giving yourself a 'task' so that you won't be twiddling your thumbs before dinner.
posted by Vaike at 10:09 AM on October 20, 2012
posted by Vaike at 10:09 AM on October 20, 2012
Also remember that folks will be in a happy mood, and expecting to chat with people they don't know. I'm a pretty outgoing person, and would be happy to make conversation with a shy someone during the cocktail hour. Go ahead and initiate some chitchat; it may feel a little awkward at first, but you'll be better of than if you sit in a corner on your own.
Hope you have fun!
posted by Specklet at 10:12 AM on October 20, 2012
Hope you have fun!
posted by Specklet at 10:12 AM on October 20, 2012
I'm pretty shy around strangers but normally don't mind being "alone" at social functions where I don't know anybody. Mostly because I make an effort to smile and also find myself amused and entertained by observing the festivity. It almost always results in strangers making eye contact, smiling back and starting a conversation. Pay attention to your body language and relax, it will make you infinitely more approachable if you don't have the social stamina to seek out strangers.
Have a good time!
posted by loquat at 10:16 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Have a good time!
posted by loquat at 10:16 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you spot a couple chatting by themselves, it might mean they are both shy and are clinging to each other. Introduce yourself to them and they will probably be grateful that they have someone new to talk to. Repeat as necessary. This may sound silly, but no harm will be done if it doesn't quite work.
posted by Bokmakierie at 10:24 AM on October 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Bokmakierie at 10:24 AM on October 20, 2012 [7 favorites]
The venue itself can give a fair amount of mileage when it comes to smalltalk and initiating conversation. If they picked it for a nice setting or gardens or whatever, then you can go with Isn't the view lovely? or I love the fall colour in the leaves, didn't they choose a nice setting? If it's very upmarket, Wasn't Bride well-organised to book this place?, or I've never been here before, isn't the decor impressive? If there are lots of children underfoot, They certainly have a lot of energy, don't they?, and take your cue from whether the reaction is a smile or an eyeroll before you commit yourself to either praising the kids or complaining about them being there.
Don't try and break into what look like close groups of friends - have a look around and there are bound to be other single people or smaller groups who look more open to you joining them.
There may well be some odd-one-out relatives or neighbours who are there with what was a dutiful invitation by the couple. In that case, making an effort to talk to them will please the couple and their families, who'll be relieved that someone is being sociable with them, and since you said there's assigned seating for the meal, you're not committing yourself to more than a part of the cocktail hour with Cousin Awkward.
posted by Azara at 10:27 AM on October 20, 2012
Don't try and break into what look like close groups of friends - have a look around and there are bound to be other single people or smaller groups who look more open to you joining them.
There may well be some odd-one-out relatives or neighbours who are there with what was a dutiful invitation by the couple. In that case, making an effort to talk to them will please the couple and their families, who'll be relieved that someone is being sociable with them, and since you said there's assigned seating for the meal, you're not committing yourself to more than a part of the cocktail hour with Cousin Awkward.
posted by Azara at 10:27 AM on October 20, 2012
It's true that "do you know the bride or the groom" is a yes or o question. But how do you know the bride or the groom is an excellent wedding conversation starter.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:33 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:33 AM on October 20, 2012 [2 favorites]
You sound a bit like me, and I am attending something similar in two parts this weekend. I went to a reception last night, and I found it helpful to be that guy, the one who asks the basic questions, which for you are like "So how do you know them," "Where are you from," and so on. Small talk can be your friend here, and everybody knows that it's valid ground to cover.
posted by rhizome at 10:36 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 10:36 AM on October 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
There always will be other individuals or (more likely) couples who will clearly not know anyone either, and will be standing at the perimeter looking a bit lost or intimidated. You can spot them and chat to them. At weddings I generally find older people - the uncles/grandaunts/godparents/parents friends - very chatty and buzzy about a big day out, and delighted to talk to the younger guests. These two groups are your targets.
How do you know the couple, Have you travelled far, Are you staying in the hotel, Are those people [groom]'s old classmates, Have you seen that gift table, Oh did you have to leave your kids with friends .... there are any number of openers and conversation keeper uppers until you get to more solid ground. I guess in October there won't be much rambling round the lawn by the guests if you want to get away from the cocktail party, but you could always have a nose through the hotel lobby and things, I imagine others will be too.
Good luck! A couple of drinks is a good idea but don't gulp down a zillion of them in an effort to make yourself look occupied, you'll regret that.
posted by jamesonandwater at 11:49 AM on October 20, 2012
How do you know the couple, Have you travelled far, Are you staying in the hotel, Are those people [groom]'s old classmates, Have you seen that gift table, Oh did you have to leave your kids with friends .... there are any number of openers and conversation keeper uppers until you get to more solid ground. I guess in October there won't be much rambling round the lawn by the guests if you want to get away from the cocktail party, but you could always have a nose through the hotel lobby and things, I imagine others will be too.
Good luck! A couple of drinks is a good idea but don't gulp down a zillion of them in an effort to make yourself look occupied, you'll regret that.
posted by jamesonandwater at 11:49 AM on October 20, 2012
I am also sort of shy and awkward, and I find that having a drink in my hand (doesn't have to be alcoholic) helps prevent the dreaded "What do I do with my hands????" mental tape loop from playing while I am chatting up strangers.
Also, if the conversation is winding down, you can drain the glass, then kinda gesture with it and smile and say "Well, I'm gonna go grab another drink!" If the conversation is going well, do the same except add "Want anything from the bar?"
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 12:45 PM on October 20, 2012
Also, if the conversation is winding down, you can drain the glass, then kinda gesture with it and smile and say "Well, I'm gonna go grab another drink!" If the conversation is going well, do the same except add "Want anything from the bar?"
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 12:45 PM on October 20, 2012
A simple party game: try to find out what the other person is passionate about, make them talk about it. Great for shy people, all you'll have to do is listen.
posted by Tom-B at 1:19 PM on October 20, 2012
posted by Tom-B at 1:19 PM on October 20, 2012
I am fairly social /not shy but I tend to figure "everyone hates me!", so I tend to feel like although I want to talk, no one wants to talk to me. Much to my surprise, every time I have attended a social function like a wedding and made a point of being chatty and drawing people out, the bride or similar has thanked me for putting people at ease. It never occurred to me other people there might be just as insecure as I was.
Just remember that even glib people can be insecure. Just because they come across as smooth doesn't mean they aren't also feeling nervous about talking to you. I always think my opinion about someone I barely know can't possibly matter to them. I am usually more wrong on that point than right. Being nice to someone is generally welcomed, even if it comes with a bit of stuttery type nervousness.
posted by Michele in California at 1:34 PM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just remember that even glib people can be insecure. Just because they come across as smooth doesn't mean they aren't also feeling nervous about talking to you. I always think my opinion about someone I barely know can't possibly matter to them. I am usually more wrong on that point than right. Being nice to someone is generally welcomed, even if it comes with a bit of stuttery type nervousness.
posted by Michele in California at 1:34 PM on October 20, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've recently discovered the joys of hanging out with people much older than me in social settings. They tend to be more gracious and socially adept than I, and I seem to naturally assume that they are less judgmental (whether that is true or not I don't know, but I like thinking it) and therefore more accepting of my awkwardness.
What I do is try and find some older people and stand near them looking lost and alone. One of them will invariably say something to me, and then it goes from there. You sound braver than I, so you could approach them with a compliment on their attire or something and take the initiative.
posted by Brody's chum at 1:47 PM on October 20, 2012
What I do is try and find some older people and stand near them looking lost and alone. One of them will invariably say something to me, and then it goes from there. You sound braver than I, so you could approach them with a compliment on their attire or something and take the initiative.
posted by Brody's chum at 1:47 PM on October 20, 2012
Can you leave? No seriously - I find the cocktail hour part of the wedding interminable even if I know people. And then by the time you get to dinner you've run out of all your small talk and you're expected to continue talking to people for another four hours.... bah, humbug.
If you have a car and there's a cafe or something nearby, make an excuse "Oh I just need to go and pick up a card for my gift - I left it at home by accident", and go and get a coffee and read for awhile. Obviously get back before the bride and groom for the dinner, but I don't think there's any social obligation to stick around when you don't know anyone and the guests of honour aren't even there.
And yes, drink.
posted by kjs4 at 3:13 PM on October 20, 2012
If you have a car and there's a cafe or something nearby, make an excuse "Oh I just need to go and pick up a card for my gift - I left it at home by accident", and go and get a coffee and read for awhile. Obviously get back before the bride and groom for the dinner, but I don't think there's any social obligation to stick around when you don't know anyone and the guests of honour aren't even there.
And yes, drink.
posted by kjs4 at 3:13 PM on October 20, 2012
I'm almost always socially anxious, even when I *do* know people. I try to ask a lot of questions, and to have a slight smile on my face. Compliment the interesting earrings, or comment on the cake. I try to remind myself that a lot of other people are feeling awkward, too. Generally, it works well, and I find that by the end of the evening or event, I'm doing all right. Also, yes, have a couple of drinks!
posted by ebee at 4:13 PM on October 20, 2012
posted by ebee at 4:13 PM on October 20, 2012
Response by poster: Followed all of your advice, thank you everyone! Had a great time. Great call on questions to ask, talking with older folks, asking lots of questions, and finding the other awkward people.
posted by manicure12 at 2:35 PM on October 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by manicure12 at 2:35 PM on October 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
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