Category: I'd Kill For Your Problems
October 16, 2012 5:39 PM Subscribe
Should I go for the fun-but-not-serious sure thing or the potentially-serious long shot?
I'm kind of sort of seeing someone, NC, much younger than myself, and while it's fun, I have a hard time taking her seriously. (She doesn't take me all that seriously, either. She wants me to be "spiritual," I want her to stop bugging me about being spiritual; she laughs it off; she sees me as a waypoint). At the same time, I've started hanging out with somebody closer to my age, KS. We like each other a lot, we really enjoy each other's company, we have a lot in common, similar personalities, etc. I feel like there's potential for a longer relationship. But... she has a boyfriend (long distance, on the rocks, one year). Regardless of my relationship to her, I'm of the opinion that the relationship with her boyfriend is going nowhere fast, but I realize that it means something to her, and that it's not simply a matter of breaking up. I get back from a long trip on Thursday, and I have to decide whether to pursue KS at the expense of what has come to be a comfortable and sexually fun yet unfulfilling relationship with NC or to remain friends with KS and continue to see NC.
That's the dilemma in a nutshell. What would you do?
I'm kind of sort of seeing someone, NC, much younger than myself, and while it's fun, I have a hard time taking her seriously. (She doesn't take me all that seriously, either. She wants me to be "spiritual," I want her to stop bugging me about being spiritual; she laughs it off; she sees me as a waypoint). At the same time, I've started hanging out with somebody closer to my age, KS. We like each other a lot, we really enjoy each other's company, we have a lot in common, similar personalities, etc. I feel like there's potential for a longer relationship. But... she has a boyfriend (long distance, on the rocks, one year). Regardless of my relationship to her, I'm of the opinion that the relationship with her boyfriend is going nowhere fast, but I realize that it means something to her, and that it's not simply a matter of breaking up. I get back from a long trip on Thursday, and I have to decide whether to pursue KS at the expense of what has come to be a comfortable and sexually fun yet unfulfilling relationship with NC or to remain friends with KS and continue to see NC.
That's the dilemma in a nutshell. What would you do?
Well, KS is unavailable. So it looks like it's NC.
posted by heyjude at 6:17 PM on October 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by heyjude at 6:17 PM on October 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
There's no dilemma here at all. It's actually a great situation to be in. You continue your friendship with KS while having a fun, easy-going relationship with NC.
The dilemma won't come until KS is single and you need to make some decisions. Until then enjoy it.
posted by mannequito at 6:29 PM on October 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
The dilemma won't come until KS is single and you need to make some decisions. Until then enjoy it.
posted by mannequito at 6:29 PM on October 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There are really serious challenges that come from pursuing someone who is in a relationship. I am not saying this to moralize. I am saying this as someone who has been in that situation and read whatever research I could get my hands on to try unfuck my life.
First, whatever needs her current bf are meeting are things you probably don't know about and may well not want to meet should he exit the picture. Second, if she does find you desirable currently, it is probably because you meet some need he can't but you probably aren't a good fit for all her needs. Third, affairs of that sort usually are a breakup ploy, which means if she gets with you while with him, you will likely be dumped before the year is up. Fourth, pursuing her now might, ironically, stabilize her primary relationship by making his shortcomings more bearable. Fifth, if you do get together this way and actually get the girl, you may never overcome the trust issues that causes.
If you pursue her, I suggest you do it with eyes wide open, a journal handy for coping with the inevitable fallout from such a shitty situation, and arm yourself with whatever knowledge you can about the whys and wherefores for all the ways this can go so wrong.
Or skip the drama, dump them both and go looking elsewhere for a good match who is actually available.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 6:31 PM on October 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
First, whatever needs her current bf are meeting are things you probably don't know about and may well not want to meet should he exit the picture. Second, if she does find you desirable currently, it is probably because you meet some need he can't but you probably aren't a good fit for all her needs. Third, affairs of that sort usually are a breakup ploy, which means if she gets with you while with him, you will likely be dumped before the year is up. Fourth, pursuing her now might, ironically, stabilize her primary relationship by making his shortcomings more bearable. Fifth, if you do get together this way and actually get the girl, you may never overcome the trust issues that causes.
If you pursue her, I suggest you do it with eyes wide open, a journal handy for coping with the inevitable fallout from such a shitty situation, and arm yourself with whatever knowledge you can about the whys and wherefores for all the ways this can go so wrong.
Or skip the drama, dump them both and go looking elsewhere for a good match who is actually available.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 6:31 PM on October 16, 2012 [14 favorites]
Why isn't the answer neither in the short term?
posted by vers at 6:32 PM on October 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by vers at 6:32 PM on October 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Have fun with NC while waiting for KS relationship to fizzle. You can drop hints with KS, or mildly flirt while being friends with her.
posted by katypickle at 7:19 PM on October 16, 2012
posted by katypickle at 7:19 PM on October 16, 2012
What's the dilemma? If KS and her bf break up, then go to town. In the meantime, she's not available; there's nothing to pursue. Have some respect for her and her relationship.
posted by violetk at 7:26 PM on October 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by violetk at 7:26 PM on October 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Keep on tapping NC until KS and her boyfriend come to some sort of resolution. If NC becomes too much with the spiritual crap, end it then.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 PM on October 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:36 PM on October 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: One point of clarification: When I say the relationship with the other boyfriend is going nowhere fast, I mean that he kind of makes her feel like shit - it reminds me of a relationship I was in, in which my SO was continually making me feel worthless - which is why I don't have that many compunctions about playing some kind of role in its demise.
posted by nob'dy at 8:48 PM on October 16, 2012
posted by nob'dy at 8:48 PM on October 16, 2012
Best answer: I don't personally have a moral objection to you pursuing KS. (Because I don't know enough to object, not because I wouldn't ever.) But I would strongly encourage you to spend some quality time with your belly button and try to figure out why you think you need to choose between (what you have framed for us as) "shitty option A of staying with a girl you are just not that into or shitty option B of pursuing someone in an apparently dysfunctional relationship".
You can't come up with a nonshitty option C? If not, then why not? (And I am not looking for a public response. That answer is between you and your belly button.)
But if you decide to go with shitty option B, feel free to drop me a line once in a while. I have a closet full of such t-shirts and might be able to help you avoid the worst of the potential drama of such a situation. (Assuming you will listen. Most people won't.)
posted by Michele in California at 9:04 PM on October 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
You can't come up with a nonshitty option C? If not, then why not? (And I am not looking for a public response. That answer is between you and your belly button.)
But if you decide to go with shitty option B, feel free to drop me a line once in a while. I have a closet full of such t-shirts and might be able to help you avoid the worst of the potential drama of such a situation. (Assuming you will listen. Most people won't.)
posted by Michele in California at 9:04 PM on October 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Pursue KS, worth a try. Could be her commitment to her bf is out of a sense of obligation to him, not because she's happy enough to stay. Knowing that someone else is genuinely interested in a relationship with her will make her give thought to the whole situation, perhaps expediting her choice to leave this guy who makes her feel shitty.
Pursuing her will take a while - slow, steady and persistent efforts to spend time with her, getting to know her better, complimenting her and indeed making it known in subtle ways you're interested in her romantically, growing less subtle as she responds positively. But you sure as hell don't want to criticize this other guy, that will make her side with him to defend him, against you. You want to instead demonstrate you're a wonderful guy and she'll make her own comparisons. Hopefully you win.
You'll have to pay attention to how things are going though. If she ends up stringing you along because she likes the attention but still can't decide to break it off with her bf and be with you, you'll have to draw the line somewhere and exit the scene - for your own well-being.
posted by lizbunny at 10:47 PM on October 16, 2012
Pursuing her will take a while - slow, steady and persistent efforts to spend time with her, getting to know her better, complimenting her and indeed making it known in subtle ways you're interested in her romantically, growing less subtle as she responds positively. But you sure as hell don't want to criticize this other guy, that will make her side with him to defend him, against you. You want to instead demonstrate you're a wonderful guy and she'll make her own comparisons. Hopefully you win.
You'll have to pay attention to how things are going though. If she ends up stringing you along because she likes the attention but still can't decide to break it off with her bf and be with you, you'll have to draw the line somewhere and exit the scene - for your own well-being.
posted by lizbunny at 10:47 PM on October 16, 2012
"I feel like there's potential for a longer relationship" doesn't usually go hand-in-hand with "she has a boyfriend". If you want a long-term relationship with this woman, you aren't helping yourself out by breaking up her relationship to get with her. You're potentially creating a whole lotta issues (MiC laid these out pretty well) that you wouldn't otherwise have.
posted by Polychrome at 2:09 AM on October 17, 2012
posted by Polychrome at 2:09 AM on October 17, 2012
One point of clarification: When I say the relationship with the other boyfriend is going nowhere fast, I mean that he kind of makes her feel like shit - it reminds me of a relationship I was in, in which my SO was continually making me feel worthless - which is why I don't have that many compunctions about playing some kind of role in its demise.
KS is not you and her current relationship is not your previous relationship. Be careful about projecting your feelings and the things you wish you had done in that relationship onto KS's current relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you so much that she is willing to end her previous thing so she can give you 100%. "It's not simply a matter of breaking up" is you justifying settling for less than what you deserve.
posted by headnsouth at 3:55 AM on October 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
KS is not you and her current relationship is not your previous relationship. Be careful about projecting your feelings and the things you wish you had done in that relationship onto KS's current relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you so much that she is willing to end her previous thing so she can give you 100%. "It's not simply a matter of breaking up" is you justifying settling for less than what you deserve.
posted by headnsouth at 3:55 AM on October 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by peacheater at 5:44 PM on October 16, 2012 [3 favorites]