I hate talking about money...

October 2, 2012 9:56 AM

How to fairly split up expenses with an S/O on an upcoming trip?

My parents have a timeshare in a certain location. The hotel will be fully covered, and only one plane ticket will be covered. They think that because I am covering hotel costs for a week, I should get the free plane ticket and have my S/O pay for his own. The other option is that I buy two tickets, apply the discount (about the price of one plane ticket), and we split the difference on the second one.

My parents also think that he should pay all or most of the entertainment, food costs, etc. We would be staying there a week and haven't yet decided on which hotel, but it's probably gonna be upwards of $100 per night, and food and entertainment for 2 definitely won't cost that much per day.

I should also mention that we decided to plan this trip because my parents have some points in their timeshare account that need to be used up this year, and that's why we decided to go on this trip. I feel like he partially agreed to go because he could save money and get to go on a cheap vacation (and that's why I'm going too), so I feel weird if it ends up just me saving money and not him. (Yet this timeshare isn't free for my family either... we've spent hundreds of dollars on it every year and points have accumulated that way.)

I feel like I'm making this way more complicated than it should be, so I decided to come on here to clear the fog a little. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total)

Are your parents going on this trip? If not, how is it any of their damn business?
posted by amanda at 9:57 AM on October 2, 2012 [52 favorites]

a) This is none of your parents business (even if they ARE coming on this trip it's none of their business). You should not tell them how you decide to split up costs.

b) Split all the costs evenly. It's awful to make him come on vacation with your family and then make him pay for everything (including everyone's entertainment).
posted by brainmouse at 9:58 AM on October 2, 2012 [38 favorites]

And, no. Your parents are wrong. You and your SO split transportation costs and food and entertainment costs between the two of you. The free hotel has no bearing on this issue. None.

Because, here's the thing -- would you be going at all if you had to pay for the lodging, too? Probably not. Just take it out of the equation.

And the only reason that it matters whether your parents are going or not is I can't figure out from your question if your parents want your SO to pay for THEIR food and entertainment expenses in exchange for the "free" hotel. In that situation, you should stay home because your parents are silly.
posted by amanda at 9:59 AM on October 2, 2012 [14 favorites]

Your parents seem to care a lot for something that doesn't concern them at all.

I would treat the hotel costs and free plane ticket as a gift from your parents to you. How you choose to split the remaining costs is entirely up to you. I would either split all the costs evenly, or have him pay for his plane ticket but split everything else evenly. It seems really unfair and strange for him to pay all the food, entertainment (etc.) costs.

Regardless though, this is a decision for you and your SO. Your parents really don't have any input on this.
posted by randomnity at 10:00 AM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yes to all of the above. Why would he pay for everything? So you get a completely free vaca? That doesnt seem right.
posted by murfed13 at 10:00 AM on October 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Unless there's a big wealth/income disparity between you and SO, you and your SO split things evenly, and your parents have no business in this matter.
posted by zippy at 10:02 AM on October 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

Shit, if I was offered the opportunity pay my way on vacation and buy all the food for everyone, I'd opt out and stay home. Or I'd pick my own damn vacation and pay for it.

I agree with everyone else. Split the costs evenly between the two of you.

Oh. And what's this WE when you say that we've spent hundreds of dollars on it every year. That's not YOU is it? It's your parents.

Just to keep it all straight.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:03 AM on October 2, 2012 [12 favorites]

The way you deal with it is:

1) Split things with your SO in whatever way makes both of you the most happy and comfortable.

2) Tell your parents that you've sorted out the expenses in a way that benefits you*, and thank them for letting you use the timeshare. Leave it at that.

*They are free to interpret "benefits you" as "benefits my kid financially," even though you mean, "beneficial to my relationship happiness."
posted by phunniemee at 10:05 AM on October 2, 2012 [12 favorites]

Don't worry about what your parents think should happen.

Do what works for you and your SO.

Unless, of course, your parents are buying you a plane ticket, in which case you let them do that and then divvy up the rest in whatever way seems fair.

(I'd probably just offer to pay for half the SO's ticket, but I guess there are other ways?)
posted by Sara C. at 10:07 AM on October 2, 2012

Split the costs! Remember that fights and resentment over money are really destructive to relationships - in the long run, even if you save a couple of hundred dollars it won't be worth it. (I mean, unless this is an extremely casual FWB-style thing, which I assume it's not).
posted by Frowner at 10:08 AM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah I'm not totally clear on a few things here

1. hotel = timeshare? Or are they staying at a timeshare and you're staying in a nearby hotel that you are paying for? What does "covered" mean in terms of flight and/or hotel?
2. parents are/are not going? i.e. is your SO covering food for them as well as the two of you?
3. who pays for the timeshare?

But basically I agree with everyone. You work this out with your SO in a way that seems fair to the two of you and tell your parents it's not their business.

I see this type of scenarios sometimes where the parents want to give a gift to their kid but not to their kid's SO for some reason and/or they're making judgments on the relative incomes/savings/cash reserves of the two of you and that's just busybodying, to me.

It seems super fair to split things with your partner more or less equally or in a way that seems "fair" to the two of you and then have a good time with it. Your parents' opinions don't really matter here.
posted by jessamyn at 10:10 AM on October 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

What does your SO want to do?
posted by discopolo at 10:14 AM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Obviously they're just worried that you're paying for him, supporting him, and maybe they think you're being taken advantage of by a freeloader?
posted by discopolo at 10:15 AM on October 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

All the costs while you are there should be split. You can split the plane ticket or not (if you don't since you view it as a gift from your parents, you should probably take more of the entertainment/food costs).

But imagine it in reverse -- your SO's family has a time share, offered you points that are expiring, you agree to go because cheap vacation, and then suddenly it's not cheap because you are told that you have to pay for everything because your SO is giving you the points.

Your parents don't really need to know the details of this. Organise it financially in a way that makes sense, and suggest to your SO that the two of you take your parents out for dinner as a thank you for the gift.

(I am assuming you are both in reasonably equal financial positions.)
posted by jeather at 10:15 AM on October 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Honestly, every time I've been invited to someone's family's timeshare, it's turned out to be a huge inconvenient moneysink where we have to do things in a certain expensive way and during dates when airfare is astronomical because they've already spent the money on it and we can only go during xxx date (to a place where I have no desire to go, anyway). Except, you know, that's not really my problem, so I just say "no thank you." It's your SO's problem now because you want him to go with you--to be part of the family, in essence--but without getting any of the benefits from it. Massively unfair.

Split it evenly, like grown-ups.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:26 AM on October 2, 2012 [13 favorites]

It sounds like your parents are giving you a gift of a free hotel and free plane ticket. Your SO is coming along but your parent's aren't explicitly gifting him (they are okay if he stays in the hotel because it doesn't "cost" you or them financially).

If that is true then it is kinda reasonable for your parents to be explicit that this is a gift just for you and they don't want you to end up paying for what they planned as a super cheap vacation for you. Same as if they gave you a car for your 21st birthday and then found out your SO was the one using it all the time, you can see how that would miff them? That they didn't give your SO a comparable gift speaks to his place in your family as someone they have a relationship with solely through you (if you are married THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING).

How are you and your SO sharing daily expenses now? Are you living together and finances are intermingled? Or are you living apart and not in a committed (marriage/LTR/Living together) relationship in your parent's eyes. The fact that you talk about this "costing" him more to me indicates that you do NOT share finances.

Even if he goes and spends just his plane ticket and the minimal food costs he is "saving" money on the free accommidation. Basically getting a bigger bang for his buck and getting a cheap vacation. I would think it weird to expect him to pay for ALL the food for the two of you but I can see that working out if you have strongly differrent incomes and he earns a lot more than you. Personally, I would be more inclined to split eating out costs the way you do now or have the person that chooses the place pay the bill.
posted by saucysault at 10:27 AM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

So your parents have a timeshare, and you'll be going with your SO to the location of the timeshare, but you "haven't decided on which hotel" yet and the hotel will likely cost in the ballpark of $100/night. I'm confused.

Do you mean that:

Your parents have a timeshare in Town X, and will be going to Town X to stay in their timeshare condo/cabin. They've invited you to join them in Town X and are willing to pay your airfare and also put you up in a hotel. You will be bringing your SO to Town X with you but your parents haven't offered to pay his airfare. They believe that because he will be staying with you in the hotel they're paying for, he should pay for his own airfare and also cover the cost of food and entertainment for everyone.

Is that correct?

If so, you're confronting two things that your parents are handling sort of poorly: 1) what your parents get to know/dictate about your financial decision-making; 2) what your parents get to dictate about the reciprocity someone shows after they've been generous with him. (The short answer to both is: none.)

If you are going on vacation with your parents and SO, and your parents are covering your hotel (and thus covering your SO's lodging expenses as well), it would be reasonable, polite, and kind for your SO to thank them profusely for their generosity in paying for the hotel, and to show his gratitude by buying dinner for everyone one evening and/or covering the group's tickets to some fun event/attraction during the trip. He does not, however, "owe" anyone anything, and it's none of your parents' business whether you and he split the cost of his plane ticket, meals out, etc.

I'd suggest you let your parents know that you and your SO are working out your financial decisions on your own. You don't need to stamp your feet and say, "This is none of your business!" (though it is none of their business), you just need to be firm that you're not sharing the details with them. If they press you: "We'll handle it ourselves, thanks. We can't wait to get to Town X and do [thing Town X is famous for]!" If they can't let it drop: "Mom/Dad, I'm not going to discuss our finances with you."

You'll likely also need to tell them ahead of time that your SO won't be able to cover the cost of all food and entertainment--but spin this as a positive, "We talked it over, and [SO] won't be able to cover all the food and entertainment costs, but he'd love to take us all out to dinner on Saturday at [nice/famous/delicious restaurant in town]." (Note: only do this if your SO is actually willing to take the family out to dinner; totally fine if the two of you split the cost, but he has to actually be on board with thanking your parents and letting the unpleasantness be water under the bridge.)

As for actually working it out with your SO: it depends on your relative financial situations. Splitting the out of pocket costs (i.e., his airfaire, food, entertainment) either evenly, or proportional to your respective incomes could make sense. It depends on what you two (and only you two) decide makes sense.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:30 AM on October 2, 2012

it sounds like your parents don't want your s/o to go on the trip and/or they're trying to break you up. you should probably deal with monetary issues in your relationship without the input of your parents.

also, this: Yet this timeshare isn't free for my family either... we've spent hundreds of dollars on it every year

if you haven't put your own money into it in a significant way, this is a meaningless point - one that might come off as a little entitled or spoiled while you're trying to convince your s/o to go on a vacation that will cost him hundreds more that it costs you. i don't say this to be rude, but to hopefully help you consider how this might all sound to your partner.
posted by nadawi at 10:35 AM on October 2, 2012

In this case, the timeshare slot is free since the points will expire either way. Seeing it any other way is massively unfair to your SO, as he didn't make that financial commitment, your parents did -- undoubtedly if the sky is the limit for a planned trip, you two would likely choose another destination, right?

I think you are right to feel uneasy here. Ignore your parents and split costs down the middle (or however you usually do in the relationship). If they continue being ridiculous, and especially if they would be along on this trip, simply cancel and plan something else together. Your parents do not get to give you a gift that requires only your SO to shell out a ton of cash.
posted by susanvance at 10:58 AM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you do decide to "split" costs the way your parents have suggested, make sure you tell him before the trip so he can decide not to go.
posted by murfed13 at 11:17 AM on October 2, 2012 [10 favorites]

PhoBWanKenobi's point is really important. It's likely this *isn't* the vacation your SO would have chosen if it weren't for the fact that your family has expiring timeshare points.

There's nothing crummier than when someone has the attitude that they're doing you a favor, when, in reality, the favor is inconvenient, unpleasant, and/or expensive.

It's not your boyfriend's responsibility that your family has been spending money on a timeshare that would otherwise go to waste.

It sounds like you've got one of those swappable exchangeable time-share deals, but think of it in terms of a concrete timeshare -- you've got a week in a vacation house in a specific place. OK? And your family isn't going to be able to use it. And they haven't been able to find renters. And so they offer it to you and your boyfriend -- but your boyfriend has to pay the rent.

This adds up to them having used your relationship to subtly coerce your boyfriend into renting from them, instead of any of many other choices he might have made about how to spend his vacation and his vacation money.

Letting someone use your expiring timeshare is a nice thing to do, but it's nothing like giving someone the money you have spent on the timeshare to freely use to vacation as they please, and that's what your parents' scheme is treating it as.

Seriously, split the out-of-pocket. Being able to go on a vacation with your SO, together, is a nice gift. Don't let the money get in the way.
posted by endless_forms at 1:00 PM on October 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

Consider not going, if this makes you or your parents feel you are beholden to them. They should not be sharing an opinion of how you split costs with your romantic partner.

Your question is confusing. It's a timeshare or a hotel? The hotel is free, or you're "covering hotel costs"? Are you parents going?

If you are getting a hotel that your parents pay for, it's pretty unfair for you to count that as your "contribution" and make him pay anything. You are likely too old to count your parents actions as your own.
posted by spaltavian at 1:50 PM on October 2, 2012

The only two options are: he pays for his plane ticket, you split everything else; or you split everything including the plane ticket.

If your parents are going on this vacation with you, the two you buy or make them dinner one night to say thank you, and all the other dinners are split as couples. If you are old enough to be going on vacation with your boyfriend, that's how it works.

If your parents are being weird about the boyfriend and money, we need more details to help you.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:40 PM on October 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

I see this type of scenario sometimes where the parents want to give a gift to their kid but not to their kid's SO for some reason and/or they're making judgments on the relative incomes/savings/cash reserves of the two of you and that's just busybodying, to me.

Yep, something like this. My parents are unfortunately very prone to this type of behavior. I finally stopped accepting any favors or gifts at all after the straw broke the camel's already-broken back. Please don't wait until your late-30s to set boundaries. My parents' version typically progresses like this:

--> "I'm proud of you and respect you as an adult, you should get to take a vacation. I want you and your S/O to use the timeshare account as our gift to you two. Aren't we the best?" Optional: But hey, you're doing us a favor by using our points, otherwise they'd go to waste."

--> "Well, you shouldn't have to pay for anything else, you're already providing all the things that are paid by points. Your S/O owes you because you're the reason that this trip is possible. Since we made it possible for you to make it possible, it affects us too." (And gives us the right to busybody around in the details of your personal life.)

--> "Well, we're sharing our points with you because you belong to our family (just like the way we provided for you as a small child) it's not YOURS to gift to someone else. What do you mean it's none of our business, it's OUR money (they have ceased to be points, may as well be cash as far as they're concerned by this point), you must be brainwashed to take this guy's side when he's taking advantage of your (our) generosity."

--> Yeah, actually, he owes us MASSIVE GRATITUDE because we gave him a free trip! We will now share unkind opinions based on wildly illogical assumptions! Because we're only looking out for you because we care about what's best for you and don't want you to get hurt." Optional: Personal attacks and guilt-tripping directed at their horribly selfish child.
posted by desuetude at 2:56 PM on October 2, 2012 [6 favorites]

(Um, yes, I'm projecting more than a little. Sorry. Hope that was helpful anyway.)
posted by desuetude at 2:56 PM on October 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yikes, can't quite tell how exactly this is playing out but it sounds like a *terrible* holiday.

Is your boyfriend expected to pay for drinks and entertainment for your parents? If so, that's terrible and totally unreasonable.

I'm also not clear, you say "The hotel will be fully covered", but then you say, "haven't yet decided on which hotel, but it's probably gonna be upwards of $100 per night" - is the hotel covered or not? Is that the 'value' it would have if you were paying, or what someone (your parents, you, your SO) will pay. This question is kinda confusing!

Regardless, I think the question is, is your O an S? Cause if he is, and you are a unit, then barring things like huge income disparities, you split. Because you are a couple, one unit, and that is what is fair and right when you are sharing a life with someone. What your parents give to you, they give to him, etc. You are in everything together.

If your O is not an S, then honestly this doesn't sound like the type of holiday he either should go on, or would go on. If your parents are coming along, and are this tight about money and spending and obligation and who owes what to whom, that kinda shit just really ruins a good holiday fast for me. Holidays are about having fun and relaxing, not jotting up a bill between lovers and families (sweet georgia brown). So I suggest you split everything, and also get some real clear communication happening with your SO so everyone knows what's what, and you can gauge how pissed he is at your parents outrageous imputations (and he will be pissed, I'm pretty sure, to a degree).
posted by smoke at 7:25 PM on October 2, 2012

Very bluntly (but hopefully constructively): Your parents are dicks. If you care about him, tell him to opt out.

This vacation will be a terrible time for him, regardless of his finances. That he'll be on the hook to pay for his own terrible time is just one of those sick ironies visited upon us in late capitalism. Hey may do it if he loves you, but he will resent it, and he will be right to resent it. Let him off the hook and tell him not to go.
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 8:30 PM on October 2, 2012 [2 favorites]