I am too old for a sexy sexy texting relationship...

August 24, 2012 7:13 PM

After taking some time off from romance, I found myself happily being circled by a guy I'm attracted to... but so far he appears to be the flirty "all talk, no action" sort. I've not dated many of this breed so I'm out of my element and have just been laying low and staying patiently ladylike. I'm in my 40s though, and I'm not gonna lie... I'm in the mood for some action and too old for games. My patience is wearing thin. Hope me!

Sorry this is long (that's what he said.)

My last relationship was with an "all action, no talk" guy who put me through the ringer and didn't care about my needs, and I decided to be alone for a while afterwards to clear my head. I didn't want to jump into a new relationship for the wrong reasons. I am really ready to be in a romance with a man again, though... I miss so many things about it. I'm not looking to get married or anything, I just want to enjoy my life with someone I like and who likes me, whether for the long or short term.

I met this man through the business I run and immediately thought he was cute. We're both in our mid-40s, active, attractive, intelligent people. He's a Brit living in America, and I'm an American who's spent a lot of time in Britain. The first time I met him, he mentioned a live in girlfriend so I flirted a little but all G Rated because I'm no homewrecker.

A few months later, he showed up at a day-long event I was holding. He was flirting with me pretty much from the get go, and so I teased him about his girlfriend to make sure she stayed in his thoughts. (I'm a big ol' unapologetically cheeky flirt. It's just who I am. But again, I'm no homewrecker.) Within an hour, he whispered to me that his relationship was over. Throughout the day he stayed by my side and flirted, hit me in the arm, chose to be with me instead of exploring the event, and it was really kind of adorable. It reminded me of when boys crushed on me in Jr. High. He told me I was fun to be around and that he liked being with me. He tried to make me blush whenever possible. After the event was over, he kissed me and told me I was making him really hot. I could've gone home with him right then but he was still a stranger to me, so we went out to eat and spent a few hours talking. He didn't ask me much about myself but we had good conversations. At my car, we kissed passionately and he tried to make me blush more, promising more in the future. We parted ways.

I invited him to a similar event I was hosting and he showed up. We were both more tired that day, but we had fun. As he left for his car, he said, "You always have a glint in your eye, did you know that?" I asked if that was bad and he said, "Never." Then he said we should get together sometime. He didn't suggest anything at that moment, so I started to wonder if he was serious. I had really started to feel good about the fun potential of our connection but reminded myself not to get emotionally attached so fast. I just couldn't quite tell what to make of him.

I won't say my halo is firmly intact but in my mind he wasn't going to get further into my pants without at least inviting me on one date, and that didn't seem like such a big expectation. We were both going through major life transitions with moving homes and changing jobs though so I figured I would just lay low, be patient and see if he contacted me again. We were both experiencing a lot of stuff, and I had plenty to deal with on my plate too.

After I wrote him off, the text flirting still kept occurring every few weeks... he said he was fantasizing about me... said he had a hot dream about me... he went into detail... we were clearly heading out of PG territory verbally. I responded by saying I would choose to be flattered and made a joke about how the dream version of me seems to be getting a lot of action lately... I was trying to stay somewhat classy about it, and still waiting for him to stop texting and make an effort to spend time with me in person. I didn't know what he was waiting for, he knows I like him and I refuse to act like I'm needy or desperate.

So we made plans for him to come over and to walk our dogs together but then a few days beforehand he said he couldn't because he had to work. In the following week I heard a lot about how he constantly had to work, because he was transitioning jobs. I wished him well and started writing him off again. Then the next week he drunk texted me while he was on vacation about how much he wanted to "fuck my brains out." The only response I gave was "So I hear." (The next day he sheepishly blamed his friend Jack Daniels, and I asked if his friend was single and followed it up with a link to instant rimshot. I feel like all I can do at this point is chuckle and shrug, but it really is losing its cuteness.) At this point I kind of look at him as a construction worker who calls out to me from the scaffolding as I'm walking along living my life. I am tired of not being able to take men seriously... there's a part of me that really wants to tell him to shut up, get off the scaffolding and do the sexy sexy stuff he's promising or to stop texting me about it.

Would I like to be in a relationship? Sure, I'd like to eventually work towards finding a grown up mutually healthy, beneficial and loving one. Would I be open to having a purely sexual relationship? Possibly, if it was mutually respectful and we discussed our boundaries and expectations in advance. I'm a grown woman, not a kid. I don't really want to jump into something without knowing what it is... but I *do* know that a sexy sexy texting relationship isn't enough for me.

It's not very fair though... if the roles were reversed and I was speaking to a man the way he speaks to me, he would probably be angry at me for being a tease. I would love to have a heart to heart with him about this, but I don't want him to feel like I'm being "heavy" and pressuring him in any way... god forbid. And if I did talk to him I just don't even know how to approach it so that it comes across in a way that will make sense to him and be non-emasculating or embarrassing. It would be easy to talk about if we ever saw each other, but that's part of the problem.

There is also the option of saying, "You know what, if you really want to do all of these things you are saying then prove it. Get over here." But if I'm going to start up a new sexual relationship I want it to be a situation where I'm feeling respected, and "Hi, shut up and come do me" just doesn't seem like the classiest way to get this rolling. Amirite?

Part of me thinks I should just write him off entirely and stop responding... but who knows what his side of the story is. Maybe he has a good reason for being this way... maybe he's waiting for a sign from me that I don't know to give and I'm just not psychic enough to get it.

Okay, I'll be honest. I'm at a loss here.

What do y'all think?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

You say you are not a homewrecker but you flirt with men who are not available. This encourages them to consider you as someone who would gladly put out when they want action on the side. Are you sure his gf is out of the picture? From the likes of it, she is still around (the fact that he flirts but cannot make time for you and also that he doesn't talk about or show in his manner of anything as it relates to "action"). You are more likely his "whiling the time" and he is not taking you seriously. You should block him out and move on, if he needs you he will come for you. Btw, men don't behave like this with women they respect-with them it is about dates and flowers and restaurants and careful planning. Not late night texts and "i want to fuck you" dialogues. Sadly, he doesn't think you are date worthy or relationship worthy material. Move on.
posted by pakora1 at 7:25 PM on August 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

So he's supposedly single, he sends you sexts, but he doesn't ask you on an actual date? I don't see what the fuck is up with that, but it's nothing I'd be interested in wasting my time on.

Ask him on a date and see what he says. My guess is that he isn't actually single.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:28 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

He's not single.
posted by heyjude at 7:41 PM on August 24, 2012 [12 favorites]

He told me I was fun to be around and that he liked being with me.

... but he hasn't taken you out on a date yet? And the only plans you two made was to walk your dogs?

This is a huge waste of your time - you don't have to have a "heavy" conversation with him because he's already told you how he feels. He's obviously not a shy guy; if he wanted to take you out (or fuck you) he would have by now.
posted by desjardins at 7:44 PM on August 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

You say you are not a homewrecker but you flirt with men who are not available. This encourages them to consider you as someone who would gladly put out when they want action on the side.

I don't even know what the fuck that is. I very much advise you to ignore that and move on.

I am also a straight-forward woman and while I enjoy flirting and fun at this point I would say "Look, I like you and I think you're interested in me. If you want to see if this can go anywhere, I suggest you ask me to dinner like a grown-up."

And whenever he dicks around just say "Dude. Dinner or go away."

And then eventually just "Go away."
posted by DarlingBri at 8:07 PM on August 24, 2012 [39 favorites]

Look, somebody needs to step up already. Just ask him out on a date, which will either end it or move you forward. Stop being coy, and be clear. I know you are disappointed that he hasn't asked you out, but you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Tell him you like him, would like to ask him out on a proper date, and is he available for that, in every sense of the word.

And let him know if he is not... Because he's seeing someone, whatever, that it has been fun- it has been right?- and continue your quest to connect with an available, compatible person.


In short, handle your business like you have agency and integrity. And if you have to walk away, walk away knowing you're clear on the situation.
posted by anitanita at 8:17 PM on August 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

My spidey sense interprets all of this as: he's not actually single, but he's attracted to you and would like to sleep with you on the side. Which is why he keeps sexting you and whatnot but not making any date-like plans. Or alternately, he is single but is only really interesting in having sex with you. Either way, it sounds like he's hoping that because you're as hot for him as he is for you, that if he just keeps at it, you'll get impatient with your own standards and just sleep with him and not ask inconvenient questions.
posted by colfax at 8:18 PM on August 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

You say you are not a homewrecker but you flirt with men who are not available.

so? the OP is single. she can flirt with whoever the hell she wants. she's not the one who has an obligation to a partner. even then, some couples do not have a problem with flirting with other ppl and the line that can be crossed varies. don't make the OP feel like shit bc she's single and likes to flirt.

that said, i have to agree: he doesn't sound single. ask him out on a date. if he agrees and cancels again, move on and block his phone number so you don't get his sexts.
posted by violetk at 9:27 PM on August 24, 2012 [3 favorites]

I once swapped phone numbers with a cute bartender, and she used to flirt with me all the time via text (exactly the way your own gentleman caller appears to be doing), but whenever I asked her out she was always "busy" on the day I suggested. So after three such incidents, I deleted her phone number, and the next time I got a flirty text (from a number I didn't recognize) I texted back "Um, thanks, but who is this?"

She responded: "It's Monique. Don't you have my number?" and I answered back "Sorry, I delete people's phone numbers unless I hang out with them in person occasionally."

Her response was "I'm free Friday."

She ended up being my girlfriend in the longest relationship I've ever had.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:29 PM on August 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

He was flirting with me pretty much from the get go, and so I teased him about his girlfriend to make sure she stayed in his thoughts. (I'm a big ol' unapologetically cheeky flirt. It's just who I am. But again, I'm no homewrecker.) Within an hour, he whispered to me that his relationship was over.

If your relationship had ended and someone you were hot for was flirting with you and then brought up your partner, would you wait more than a minute to reassure them it was over? I have to agree with others here; he's probably not single.
posted by catch as catch can at 11:44 PM on August 24, 2012 [5 favorites]

It's over maybe possibly in his mind between him and his girlfriend, at least sometimes when it's convenient for him to think so. I highly doubt that in reality they've broken up, though.
posted by hazyjane at 12:34 AM on August 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

Babe, he has someone else. Ignore. It's not going to become a relationship. Go out with some other cute guy you know.
posted by inkypinky at 3:31 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

In my experience, guys like this love attention, and as long as you're giving it, he's going to keep coming back for more. He's getting something out of your relationship, but the problem is that you're not. If he was going to do something about whatever attraction he feels, he would have done it already.

I agree with the consensus; he's still got a girlfriend. It would not be even close to the first time a guy has lied about that to keep an ego-boosting flirtation going. (She says from experience.)
posted by carolinecrane at 5:09 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

He's not single.
posted by vitabellosi at 7:07 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

He may or may not be single, but he's only interested in the ego-strokes from your attention, not you. (That doesn't mean he wouldn't sleep with you though!). He doesn't want to date you. Cut him out and move on!
posted by windykites at 7:17 AM on August 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you're tired of him playing games with you, why are you playing games with him? He's not going to guess what you want - for all he knows, you're completely content with the state of things because you're not making any moves either! Just ask him out, or do what DarlingBri suggested.
posted by buteo at 8:50 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've been on the guy side of this. My firm represented a union, and the agency had a lawyer I was constantly up against. I'm always nice with opposing counsel, and, well, our calls got long and flirty until she started calling just to flirt.

I was surprised. So we went out for happy hour drinks. It was fun. The flirty calls continued from her. I asked for a date on a weekend but she was strangely busy. A buddy said he thought she could have a boyfriend and I said no way. So he said "ask her out for a weekend." Man did she resist, cancelled, wanted to go out on the weekdays, etc. Finally she wanted to know why I "had" to go out on the weekend and I said I'm just super busy during the week. Later I found out she had a live-in boyfriend.

I bet this guy is seeing someone else, or is messily in a slo-mo breakup with the last girl.

Ask him directly if he has a girlfriend.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:56 AM on August 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

When he says he wants to make out or whatever, why not reply "maybe we could do that after you ask me on a date," or something. If that's the specific thing you want him to do, why not be explicit about it?
posted by salvia at 8:57 AM on August 25, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm definitely nthing that he's not single.

If you don't want to play games, then stop engaging in them. DarlingBri has it, but frankly, I'd be really surprised if this developed into anything at all. This has "non starter" written all over it.
posted by sm1tten at 9:54 AM on August 25, 2012 [1 favorite]