I told a girl that I still have feelings for her and now she has stopped talking to me
August 20, 2012 9:48 PM   Subscribe

I told a girl that I still have feelings for her and now she has stopped talking to me. I feel like such a loser right now, I'm not sure what to do next.

This girl... I can't explain it. I often hate her, am irritated by her, she is often just plain rude to me, yet I still somehow want to keep talking to her. She is sometimes crazy, and does all sorts of mean things to me. She really liked me at one point, but then we sort of had a falling out and I stopped talking to her for a few months, I removed her completely from my life. She treated me badly, she rarely cared about what I had to say. I have never told her this so she still doesn't fully understand why I just ditched her for a while.

I decided I wanted to talk to her again, so I started talking to her again a few days back. Its been a rough few days, a good amount of fighting. Whenever I bring up the past, she says she used to really like me (we also said we loved each other but she never seems to mention that), but when I try to talk about it more she says she doesn't want too. I tried to tell her how I really felt, that I can't stop talking to her and that I think i still like her, then she just hung up with no warning. I feel weird at the same time that I care so much, I thought I hated this girl not long ago...

I feel like crap now, since I sort of let my heart out and was rejected. I'm not sure how to proceed, do I try and contact her elsewhere? Do I try and reconcile this or should I just give up? I don't know if it will work out if she won't even talk to me besides about the weather and basic junk like that.
posted by johnx to Human Relations (30 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
When you really find the "right" girl, or even the right "right now" girl, you won't be saying, "I often hate her." Good relationships aren't like that, unless you're truly a person who thrives on the crazy-making.

Take some time away. Learn more about yourself. Think about the things that really make you happy, and the personal attributes and qualities that you like in others, not just romantically but platonically, too. THen you'll be in a better state of mind when the right girl appears.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:52 PM on August 20, 2012 [4 favorites]

This is a gift. You tried to cut her out and failed, even though you needed to. So now she's cut you out and that's great news for you. Block her from social media, delete all numbers, etc. and let yourself move on.
posted by brainmouse at 9:52 PM on August 20, 2012 [11 favorites]

Response by poster: Often is a bit exaggerated, but for the longest time I did hate her when we weren't talking. And bit a during the relationship.
posted by johnx at 9:57 PM on August 20, 2012

You tried. It didn't work, be proud of yourself for trying to grab the brass ring. Now walk away.
posted by bitdamaged at 9:57 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

People in healthy relationships do not hate each other ever. Get annoyed with each other or angry with each other, sure, but hate each other? Never.
posted by brainmouse at 9:59 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would walk away, but don't look at it as giving up. You're choosing something better for yourself. Something healthier and happier - and you will be happier. Maybe not today, next week, or even next month, but that's ok because you will find something better.
posted by youngergirl44 at 10:03 PM on August 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

johnx: "I'm not sure how to proceed, do I try and contact her elsewhere?"

No. God no. No no no.

johnx: "Do I try and reconcile this or should I just give up?"

You give up and move on.
posted by chairface at 10:12 PM on August 20, 2012 [3 favorites]

I strongly suspect there's a connection here to your recent question about dealing with involuntary negative emotions, in part directed toward women. Until those issues are mitigated, I think you should doubt your negative judgments both about this woman and about yourself, but you should also set this particular relationship aside for good and chalk it up as a lesson in how weird things can get. Don't beat yourself up over this, but try to understand the context: your depression, social anxiety, and whatever else led to your participation in an unhealthy relationship. I wouldn't just try to move on from this relationship--I'd recommend seeing it as the last straw that gets you to talk with a therapist and figure out what the big picture is here.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:25 PM on August 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

I feel like crap now, since I sort of let my heart out and was rejected.

Yeah that's kind of how it works sometimes. But look, at least you were brave enough to declare your feelings and see where things went. And the thing is, if you keep doing this, you'll get better at telling who you should actually let your heart out to. This woman showed all signs of not being the woman for you because, regardless of reasons, it sounds like you guys just didn't work.

And based on this and your last few AskMe questions I think you could really benefit from therapy to talk out your issues with people and especially women. I get that you don't want to go to therapy, so maybe try Moodgym which is online CBT and/or the Feeling Good handbook
posted by grapesaresour at 10:30 PM on August 20, 2012 [7 favorites]

You'll find someone else who won't provoke such conflicting emotions and guessing games. It may sound crazy now, but eventually you'll look back on this and wonder where your head was at. Keep the long-term in mind, don't let your emotions get the best of you, and save yourself a ton of frustration in the meantime.

Deep down you'll probably tell yourself you can win her back, or make things better, but don't put yourself through a lot of grief trying to make it happen. You deserve better. And maybe she'll grow out of it too, but not overnight.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 10:32 PM on August 20, 2012

A few months back, she didn't really care much for what you had to say. That doesn't seem to have changed in the interim. Why were/are you so into her, when you say that she's treated you so poorly? That's not healthy.

Rejection hurts so very, very much, yes, but this rejection is truly a blessing in disguise. It's an opportunity to strengthen your positive attributes, and, of course, learn something from your experience. You're better off without her.

Do not continue to contact her.

Echoing grapesaresour's small text, too.
posted by peeet at 10:46 PM on August 20, 2012

Every day we choose the little changes that make who we are tomorrow. You can keep circling around your unmet want forever or you can get on with changing into the person who is over her.
posted by ead at 11:02 PM on August 20, 2012 [14 favorites]

Just to echo what everyone else has been saying, let go and move on. It sucks at first, but from an outside perspective it's pretty clear from everything that you say that this girl is not the right person for you in any way shape or form.

The crazy thing about attachment though, is that it is sometimes just that, crazy. You aren't good for each other, you don't get along, you've admitted that you have hated her, and yet some part of your brain is still hung up on the idea that you want her.

Try to recognize that you probably are letting emotions and the crazy things your brain does when it gets attached to someone get in the way of looking at this situation rationally.

There are lots of other great people out there, people that you won't hate, people who you'll get along with much better, but in order to find them you'll have to totally let go of this girl first.

Good luck!
posted by tokaidanshi at 11:09 PM on August 20, 2012 [2 favorites]

also I say all of this from personal experience. I've had a really hard time letting go of people too, even though I understand that they aren't good for me. I don't mean to belittle your feelings, I know it's super tough. But I also know that time spent hung up on someone who doesn't want to be with you, and who isn't right for you, is ultimately time you're going to wish you had back after you have actually gotten over them.
posted by tokaidanshi at 11:13 PM on August 20, 2012 [1 favorite]

She's moved on, now you need to as well.

It is really, really hard - I have a hard time letting go and moving on - but it's so unproductive to stay stuck on someone you can't have. There are so many other things you could be doing.
posted by heyjude at 11:40 PM on August 20, 2012

The single best bit of wisdom I learned about relationships is this: "When we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us."

So if your goal is to have a satisfying (i.e., happy, healthy) relationship with someone in the future, your first step must be figuring out how to have a satisfying (happy, healthy) relationship with yourself. This is exactly what therapy is for. If you really won't consider (or don't have access to) therapy, please take grapesaresour's suggestions. The solution to the pain you're feeling isn't located in somebody else; it's ultimately only located within yourself.
posted by scody at 11:42 PM on August 20, 2012 [6 favorites]

These have been some highly dramatic months. It doesn't have to be that way, but it also kinda sounds like you both like jerking each other around. Chill out, don't even worry about the weather and basic junk like that. The future will take care of itself.
posted by rhizome at 12:56 AM on August 21, 2012

I think you may find the book Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham illuminating. Not only is it a fantastic novel, but it's about a man obsessively in love with a woman who despises him. If you generally find it useful to observe others in order to gain insight into yourself, I think you could learn a lot from this book.
posted by grokfest at 1:07 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

It sounds like she doesn't want to deal with your crap. It sounds like you don't love her, you're just stuck on her. I think you need to stay away from this woman completely, and get your butt into therapy. IANAT but you're sounding like you have some traits that a therapist can help you out with. (I'm not judging; I'm recognising things in you that I've learned to see in myself).

By the way, trying to force someone into a conversation that they clearly don't want to have, in this context, does not sound like a loving gesture. The way you describe it, it sounds selfish, whiny, obsessive and egotistical. Stop it! Step away! Stop wallowing! I say this with nothing but love. Get the fuck away from the telephone unless you're making a call to your therapist.
posted by windykites at 3:14 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I still have feelings for her
I often hate her
[I] am irritated by her
I think i still like her
I thought I hated this girl

Do you respect her? If yes, respect her wishes not to talk to you anymore. If no, find another girl you do respect.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 4:12 AM on August 21, 2012

Do you actually like her, or the idea of her?

Because from your description of her, the experience of being around her doesn't sound that fun for you.

Or consider this - if you found someone who wasn't rude, disrespectful, uncaring etc, would you give a moment's thought to this first girl?
posted by MuffinMan at 4:30 AM on August 21, 2012

I've been through like two and a half less overtly dramatic/confrontational versions of this dilemma, though I would have fared better had my partners in delusion been as direct as yours. Spare yourself the unnecessary pain and shame, and just let go -- it will take time, but you will move on.

Also nthing the comments about nurturing self-love and respect.
posted by black_lizard at 5:02 AM on August 21, 2012

The old cliches are always appropriate: there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Don't be desperate, don't despise yourself. Get help to channel these feelings into positive action. Get out and date as soon as you can, make her a footnote in your history, move on.
posted by epo at 5:39 AM on August 21, 2012

Give up. Move on. Everybody has, at some point in their lives, been powerfully attracted to someone who was no good for them. The lucky ones among us eventually realized that and took the painful steps required to remove that person from their lives and, eventually, their thoughts. This is a wake-up call for you. You need to stop seeing this person, talking to her, or following the details of her life on social media. You need to do your best to stop thinking about her altogether, but you definitely need to avoid her. It will be painful at first, but you will feel better later. And it's pretty painful right now anyway, am I right?

This episode does not in itself reflect poorly on you. You are not a loser because you were unable to twist your life into a shape that allowed you to have a lasting relationship with this woman. Everybody goes through some variation of the experience that you are currently dealing with -- it is a very basic human experience, one that has been the subject of drama and song for millennia. That doesn't make it less painful, but you should remind yourself that you are not especially bad or unsuccessful or unlovable just because you couldn't make it work with this one person.

There are approximately three and a half billion other people of your preferred gender in this world, and once you get past this experience, learn your lessons from it, and return to the romantic world wiser and more mature, you will find that quite a few of those other people are just as interesting and attractive as the one you are giving up on now, if not moreso. Some of them will also be much healthier for you.

Give yourself permission to let this woman go. Be free. Do not be ashamed for giving up. Do not attempt to be friends. Just move on with your life, cleanly and completely. You will be much, much better off for it.
posted by Scientist at 6:24 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

The secret to life in two words: reduce drama.
posted by moammargaret at 8:13 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'm not sure how to proceed

Proceed by walking away from this drama-coaster.

do I try and contact her elsewhere?

No. No. If she doesn't want to talk to you, respect that.

Do I try and reconcile this


or should I just give up?

If you stop trying to have a drama-free relationship with this person then you will not be giving up any more than you'd be giving up if you stopped trying to teach linear algebra to an egret.

I don't know if it will work out if she won't even talk to me besides about the weather and basic junk like that.

Your relationship with this person has gotten you so spun around that you began this sentence with "I don't know if it will," and not "I like her and all, but I know it definitely wouldn't." That is all I need to know to say: Walk away.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:42 AM on August 21, 2012

I call this "Schroedinger's Girlfriend". You have feelings (feelings magnified by drama in your case) for someone. If you say nothing, you do not know how she feels but she still has an opinion one way or another. If you say something, you will know but it may not be the answer you want.

Nothing has changed. She still feels how she felt. You don't get to make her feel another way. You don't get to badger, bargain, manipulate, trick, convince, or negotiate her into feeling another way.

You made your bid. She declined. She was always going to have declined. It stings, but you'll never get anywhere with anybody if you're not at least willing to own up to your feelings.

But, yeah. Don't have relationships with people who make you crazy. That's for television shows, not real life. Strive for less drama - and more honesty - in your life.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:45 AM on August 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Oh, of course you can't let go of her. She treated you poorly and thus confirmed your belief that all women act badly, just like your mother. If you could have gotten this infuriating person to treat you well, you would have scored a victory by proxy over your mother.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:47 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Leave it alone and take steps to getting yourself off this roller coaster. So many people do this, of all genders, with people of all genders! They find someone who exemplifies all their doubts and fears about people of the gender they're attracted to, latch on to that person, and then flip between feeling like they're finally winning (when things are going well) or wrap themselves in the comfort of having been right all along about those goddamned {gender} who are all the same (when things are going poorly).

You can get off the roller coaster and actually get somewhere if you try. Love is so much better than triumph or self-satisfied bitterness.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:53 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I had a very similiar experience.

However, I never "hated" the girl in my situation.

You took a big step in opening up and sharing your feelings with her. It sounds like she may have some (personal) "issues" that resulted in her possibly taking advantage of you/leading you on.

Like some of the others have said - use this as a learning experience. Don't let it bring you down and move on. Don't dwell on her/the past/"what could have been" - she wasn't the right one and would've hurt you even worse if you continue(d) the relationship.

Don't try to reconcile. From what you've described - you've done nothing wrong. If it means never talking to her again, that's probably best.

You're going to find a girl that appreciates you.
posted by n1c35h07 at 10:00 AM on November 7, 2012

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