How do I handle an ultimatum from my girlfriend?
August 16, 2012 1:36 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend has given me an ultimatum regarding anxiety and travel. Is this a problem or an opportunity?
Due to some pretty serious anxiety/panic attack issues in my 20s, I developed a form of agoraphobia where I am extremely reluctant to travel anywhere that isn’t a fairly short car ride back to my home. I haven’t left my home state since 1997. I also have a very difficult time going anywhere if I am not the one doing the driving. Something about not being in control makes me feel very anxious.
My girlfriend of just under two years knew this about me even before we started dating. She loves to travel, however, and a few months ago she essentially gave me an ultimatum: either I travel with her or we break up. I suggested we start small and maybe drive somewhere in the 5- to 6-hour range of home, but she insisted we fly somewhere. So she booked us a trip to Vegas next weekend. It’s only a two-hour flight, but already I’m feeling extremely anxious about it and I’m envisioning having to cancel, which will of course be a really big deal to her.
This weekend, while driving around town with her (a rare case where she was driving), I started feeling anxious and asked if maybe she could drop me home before she went on with her day. This is the only time I have ever felt really anxious around her, and her reaction was not sympathetic at all. She was very annoyed with me for ruining the plan of the day, and she got really upset that I ordered a meal at a restaurant that I ended up feeling too anxious to eat. She has always been very obsessed with us getting married, and one point she said, “Is this what it will be like when we get married and have kids? I’ll have to tell them Dad can’t come with us to certain things?” Needless to say, this makes me worry even more about how she will react if I do feel anxious while on the trip.
I should note that I have traveled with her a few times, but always to destinations within an hour or two of home. I totally get where she’s coming from, but I can’t help feeling that her needs are superseding mine in this case.
So should I look at her ultimatum as a problem with our relationship, or do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again, albeit in sort of a forced, anxiety-producing way? I do have a big vial of Klonopin and I would hope that would get me through the 3-day trip, but I really worry about freaking out on the plane, or in Vegas, and not having a quick and easy way back to safe, familiar territory.
Due to some pretty serious anxiety/panic attack issues in my 20s, I developed a form of agoraphobia where I am extremely reluctant to travel anywhere that isn’t a fairly short car ride back to my home. I haven’t left my home state since 1997. I also have a very difficult time going anywhere if I am not the one doing the driving. Something about not being in control makes me feel very anxious.
My girlfriend of just under two years knew this about me even before we started dating. She loves to travel, however, and a few months ago she essentially gave me an ultimatum: either I travel with her or we break up. I suggested we start small and maybe drive somewhere in the 5- to 6-hour range of home, but she insisted we fly somewhere. So she booked us a trip to Vegas next weekend. It’s only a two-hour flight, but already I’m feeling extremely anxious about it and I’m envisioning having to cancel, which will of course be a really big deal to her.
This weekend, while driving around town with her (a rare case where she was driving), I started feeling anxious and asked if maybe she could drop me home before she went on with her day. This is the only time I have ever felt really anxious around her, and her reaction was not sympathetic at all. She was very annoyed with me for ruining the plan of the day, and she got really upset that I ordered a meal at a restaurant that I ended up feeling too anxious to eat. She has always been very obsessed with us getting married, and one point she said, “Is this what it will be like when we get married and have kids? I’ll have to tell them Dad can’t come with us to certain things?” Needless to say, this makes me worry even more about how she will react if I do feel anxious while on the trip.
I should note that I have traveled with her a few times, but always to destinations within an hour or two of home. I totally get where she’s coming from, but I can’t help feeling that her needs are superseding mine in this case.
So should I look at her ultimatum as a problem with our relationship, or do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again, albeit in sort of a forced, anxiety-producing way? I do have a big vial of Klonopin and I would hope that would get me through the 3-day trip, but I really worry about freaking out on the plane, or in Vegas, and not having a quick and easy way back to safe, familiar territory.
Have you made any attempt to get this treated? If not, why not? I would be very upset if I were your girlfriend and you have this sort of life-limiting anxiety and yet in two years had made no attempt to get it treated (which is what it sounds like). I know what panic attacks are like, and I don't think jumping into the deep end here is necessarily the best activity, but it sounds like you have made no attempt here in several years, and that would be a problem for me.
posted by brainmouse at 1:43 PM on August 16, 2012 [44 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 1:43 PM on August 16, 2012 [44 favorites]
Well, it's really up to you, but the fact that your girlfriend rejected your suggestion of starting small and instead booked a trip to Vegas just seems straight-up jerk town to me. It's clear you're willing to work on this, but she does not seem like a helpful person to be working on it with.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:43 PM on August 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
posted by oneirodynia at 1:43 PM on August 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
Holy shit, Las Vegas, with its non-stop whirring and crowded streets and long lines and walks through miles of casino to get to your hotel room? (This is my take and I LIKE Las Vegas.) I think she is being horribly unfair, and yes, I would see it as a problem with your relationship that she is trying to force this on you. Did she book this trip without your knowledge and consent? If so, you are well within your rights to not go and instead book an appointment with a couple's counselor.
posted by Wordwoman at 1:44 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Wordwoman at 1:44 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
You've discussed your anxiety issues with her in an open and honest way, presumably? If so, she knows the deal and should be willing to act supportively if she intends to be part of your life. Suggesting a flight when you're obviously not remotely at ease with the idea sounds a little selfish to me; but I'm also surprised that you just went along with the suggestion.
On the other hand (take this as advice from one anxiety sufferer to another), facing your fears and beating them is incredibly liberating. I used to be incredibly anxious about travelling (for me it was the act of travelling, not the distance from home, that caused anxiety). But in the past decade I've learned to drive, and fly at least twice a year, and while I wouldn't describe either as my favourite activities, my life is immeasurably easier now that those things don't bother me.
posted by pipeski at 1:45 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
On the other hand (take this as advice from one anxiety sufferer to another), facing your fears and beating them is incredibly liberating. I used to be incredibly anxious about travelling (for me it was the act of travelling, not the distance from home, that caused anxiety). But in the past decade I've learned to drive, and fly at least twice a year, and while I wouldn't describe either as my favourite activities, my life is immeasurably easier now that those things don't bother me.
posted by pipeski at 1:45 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Have you made any attempt to get this treated? If not, why not? I would be very upset if I were your girlfriend and you have this sort of life-limiting anxiety and yet in two years had made no attempt to get it treated
Agreed. Constantly having my outings ruined and plans changed to accommodate your anxiety would get really frustrating after awhile if you weren't working with a professional to address your issues. This is a great opportunity for you to pursue treatment.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:45 PM on August 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
Agreed. Constantly having my outings ruined and plans changed to accommodate your anxiety would get really frustrating after awhile if you weren't working with a professional to address your issues. This is a great opportunity for you to pursue treatment.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:45 PM on August 16, 2012 [23 favorites]
It would be completely healthy if she had set boundaries, instead of issuing an ultimatum. If she had said she could only be in a relationship if you'd work on the problem, because travel is a dealbreaker for her, that would be fine. But the way you guys are interacting on this isn't as healthy as it could be.
I hope this is, indeed, an opportunity. An opportunity to work on your anxiety AND an opportunity to have healthier communication patterns. Would she be open to counselling? Because it'd be great to get some professionals in to help y'all with this.
posted by ldthomps at 1:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I hope this is, indeed, an opportunity. An opportunity to work on your anxiety AND an opportunity to have healthier communication patterns. Would she be open to counselling? Because it'd be great to get some professionals in to help y'all with this.
posted by ldthomps at 1:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Your girlfriend is acting like someone who believed she'd be able to handle this but has been getting increasingly frustrated for the last two years and is acting mostly out of that frustration.
If I were in your shoes - but this is just me - I would just go on the trip, but today - seriously, today - I'd call a therapist and make an appointment. I think ultimata are kind of crappy but this sounds like a salvageable situation and if this is the impetus needed to get you started on overcoming this, well, okay.
So the answer to your question:
So should I look at her ultimatum as a problem with our relationship, or do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again
is: Both, with the caveat that the ultimatum isn't the death-knell of your relationship or anything, just an expression of poorly-handled frustration.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
If I were in your shoes - but this is just me - I would just go on the trip, but today - seriously, today - I'd call a therapist and make an appointment. I think ultimata are kind of crappy but this sounds like a salvageable situation and if this is the impetus needed to get you started on overcoming this, well, okay.
So the answer to your question:
So should I look at her ultimatum as a problem with our relationship, or do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again
is: Both, with the caveat that the ultimatum isn't the death-knell of your relationship or anything, just an expression of poorly-handled frustration.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
The fact that you felt so anxious about it and were still willing to go on a 4-5 hour driving trip was a more than decent compromise. I think you'd be right to be upset that she forced the more extreme option. That's just mean.
You say that was the first time you felt that anxious around her, is it possible she's not aware of how serious your anxiety is? She may be thinking you're a dedicated homebody, not someone with a serious phobia.
Seconding treatment. Beating anxiety will open up a whole world to you.
posted by sonmi at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
You say that was the first time you felt that anxious around her, is it possible she's not aware of how serious your anxiety is? She may be thinking you're a dedicated homebody, not someone with a serious phobia.
Seconding treatment. Beating anxiety will open up a whole world to you.
posted by sonmi at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Your girlfriend booked a trip to Jerktown.
That said, knowing for two years you have a mental problem and not seeking treatment for it (especially when it's pretty obvious it would cause problems) kind of situates you in Obliviousville.
And neither of those are particularly good locations to nurture a relationship.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [18 favorites]
That said, knowing for two years you have a mental problem and not seeking treatment for it (especially when it's pretty obvious it would cause problems) kind of situates you in Obliviousville.
And neither of those are particularly good locations to nurture a relationship.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [18 favorites]
She needs to help you manage your anxiety, learn to live with it, or GTFO.
I have a mild anxiety around travel, coupled with a somewhat deeper anxiety around spending money, and I briefly dated someone who fancied herself a jet-setter and who made her displeasure of my more local and frugal ways an issue in our relationship. I put up with it long enough for her to pound into me the idea that expressing my anxiety around travel would get me dumped, and this idea has only made it harder for me to travel, and has stayed with me long after the relationship ended.
I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend is doing the same thing to you. She is pressuring you to act a certain way when you are already under pressure and may not have the wherewithal to act that way. She is putting your relationship on the line. That's not cool.
posted by gauche at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have a mild anxiety around travel, coupled with a somewhat deeper anxiety around spending money, and I briefly dated someone who fancied herself a jet-setter and who made her displeasure of my more local and frugal ways an issue in our relationship. I put up with it long enough for her to pound into me the idea that expressing my anxiety around travel would get me dumped, and this idea has only made it harder for me to travel, and has stayed with me long after the relationship ended.
I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend is doing the same thing to you. She is pressuring you to act a certain way when you are already under pressure and may not have the wherewithal to act that way. She is putting your relationship on the line. That's not cool.
posted by gauche at 1:50 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
It would be reasonable for her to give you an ultimatum to seek treatment. This? Not so much.
posted by Perplexity at 1:51 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Perplexity at 1:51 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't go on this trip. Do get professional help for your anxiety.
It would be reasonable for your girlfriend to say, "I've realized travel is a deal-breaker for me; if you're not willing or able to get help for your anxiety so that we can travel together on occasion, we need to split up." It is not reasonable for her to book a trip to Vegas on short notice and expect you to go.
I don't know whether your girlfriend is just fed up with the limitations your anxiety imposes on the relationship and doesn't understand mental illness, or whether she's a cruel person. If you've been in a relatively happy relationship for two years, I'd assume it's the former. So, while her approach is completely wrong, I do think you should make a counter-offer by scheduling an appointment with a therapist (and potentially also a psychiatrist) and saying, "I'm willing to work on this to get to a point where we can travel together, but it's not going to happen overnight. Let's check in together about this after I've been in therapy for two months, and let's use XYZ as a measure of my progress."
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:51 PM on August 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
It would be reasonable for your girlfriend to say, "I've realized travel is a deal-breaker for me; if you're not willing or able to get help for your anxiety so that we can travel together on occasion, we need to split up." It is not reasonable for her to book a trip to Vegas on short notice and expect you to go.
I don't know whether your girlfriend is just fed up with the limitations your anxiety imposes on the relationship and doesn't understand mental illness, or whether she's a cruel person. If you've been in a relatively happy relationship for two years, I'd assume it's the former. So, while her approach is completely wrong, I do think you should make a counter-offer by scheduling an appointment with a therapist (and potentially also a psychiatrist) and saying, "I'm willing to work on this to get to a point where we can travel together, but it's not going to happen overnight. Let's check in together about this after I've been in therapy for two months, and let's use XYZ as a measure of my progress."
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:51 PM on August 16, 2012 [11 favorites]
Have you made any attempt to get this treated? If not, why not? I would be very upset if I were your girlfriend and you have this sort of life-limiting anxiety and yet in two years had made no attempt to get it treated
Hence, the ultimatum.
Her Las Vegas trial-by-fire might not be entirely fair, but, there it is. She's frustrated and trying to kick your butt into action. You can do this if you want to. I hope you're not spending lots of time and energy right now prepping yourself for an inevitable panic attack.
If you go, and freak out, you can deal with that too. Remember, you will have your loving girlfriend there with you to help you through it. Make sure you look to her as a helper, and not as the proximate cause of any anxiety.
posted by General Tonic at 1:53 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Hence, the ultimatum.
Her Las Vegas trial-by-fire might not be entirely fair, but, there it is. She's frustrated and trying to kick your butt into action. You can do this if you want to. I hope you're not spending lots of time and energy right now prepping yourself for an inevitable panic attack.
If you go, and freak out, you can deal with that too. Remember, you will have your loving girlfriend there with you to help you through it. Make sure you look to her as a helper, and not as the proximate cause of any anxiety.
posted by General Tonic at 1:53 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Why would you not look at this as an opportunity to treat your anxiety? If you can't arrange help by next weekend, express order the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook overnight express mail.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:55 PM on August 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:55 PM on August 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
She has always been very obsessed with us getting married, and one point she said, “Is this what it will be like when we get married and have kids? I’ll have to tell them Dad can’t come with us to certain things?”
"She has always been very obsessed" seems like a pretty contemptuous way to describe the fact that your longterm girlfriend sees a future with you. It was definitely not a productive comment to make when you were in the midst of an anxiety attack, but I think it reveals a lot about her thinking here.
She has invested two years of her life into a relationship with you and would like to know if there's potential for the long term. For her, she envisions a life with a greater amount of freedom and adventure than you currently have together, because of your anxiety. She is asking herself if she can keep dealing with this forever, and if she can keep dealing with this if you have a family together. The answer is obviously no, but she doesn't want to admit that to herself and give up on this relationship, so she's pressuring you in a big way to change immediately, so the relationship can continue. From her perspective, you changing would solve the problem and remove the potential pain of breaking up, so it just needs to happen, and fast.
But, from the way you describe this situation, it sounds like you might be having some doubts about the long term viability of the relationship, too.
So really you have two questions.
1. Do I want to be with this woman in the long term?
2. Am I ready to start working on my anxiety issues?
I think you should answer these independently, without taking the ultimatum into account, and then see where that leaves you.
posted by crackingdes at 1:55 PM on August 16, 2012 [30 favorites]
"She has always been very obsessed" seems like a pretty contemptuous way to describe the fact that your longterm girlfriend sees a future with you. It was definitely not a productive comment to make when you were in the midst of an anxiety attack, but I think it reveals a lot about her thinking here.
She has invested two years of her life into a relationship with you and would like to know if there's potential for the long term. For her, she envisions a life with a greater amount of freedom and adventure than you currently have together, because of your anxiety. She is asking herself if she can keep dealing with this forever, and if she can keep dealing with this if you have a family together. The answer is obviously no, but she doesn't want to admit that to herself and give up on this relationship, so she's pressuring you in a big way to change immediately, so the relationship can continue. From her perspective, you changing would solve the problem and remove the potential pain of breaking up, so it just needs to happen, and fast.
But, from the way you describe this situation, it sounds like you might be having some doubts about the long term viability of the relationship, too.
So really you have two questions.
1. Do I want to be with this woman in the long term?
2. Am I ready to start working on my anxiety issues?
I think you should answer these independently, without taking the ultimatum into account, and then see where that leaves you.
posted by crackingdes at 1:55 PM on August 16, 2012 [30 favorites]
I think this is a motivation for you to seek treatment. I don't think it was fair of her to book the trip. She should find someone else to go with her to Vegas and you should seek treatment. If you are not willing to seek treatment soon, or she is not willing to work with you within the scope of your treatment, you should end the relationship. Even if the relationship ends, you should seek treatment because this is going to continue to be an issue and is unlikely to resolve on its own.
posted by mimo at 1:56 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by mimo at 1:56 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Your gf doesn't seem to understand that this is a real problem for you. I recommend therapy for the anxiety and phobia, and I recommend cancelling the trip if you can't do it. There may be other anxiety issues that are irritating her. If you're depressed, you may be irritable. Dealing with your anxiety will make you feel better, no matter what happens with gf. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
She has always been very obsessed with us getting married, and one point she said, “Is this what it will be like when we get married and have kids? I’ll have to tell them Dad can’t come with us to certain things?"
Is this what it will be like when you're married: she'll try to coerce you into doing things that are totally unnecessary that she knows you're deeply uncomfortable with?
posted by John Cohen at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
Is this what it will be like when you're married: she'll try to coerce you into doing things that are totally unnecessary that she knows you're deeply uncomfortable with?
posted by John Cohen at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
I'm sorry you are dealing with this crippling anxiety and I really do hope you are getting help.
I think that your girlfriend has had it but she doesn't have the guts to break it off. She knows you'll fail this test and that gives her an out. Sorry.
I don't blame her for not being able to deal with your issues, but obviously there are more straightforward and kind ways to express that no travel is a dealbreaker. Sorry, this sucks.
posted by murfed13 at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think that your girlfriend has had it but she doesn't have the guts to break it off. She knows you'll fail this test and that gives her an out. Sorry.
I don't blame her for not being able to deal with your issues, but obviously there are more straightforward and kind ways to express that no travel is a dealbreaker. Sorry, this sucks.
posted by murfed13 at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
As your question began, I really wanted to side with her. Based on things in my past, I felt her pain and understood her frustration. But then I got to your description of her behavior this weekend and that went out the window. All that I could think was the response I wish you'd have given:
"Is this what you're going to do if we have kids -- bully them into submission if they have mental health issues and make them feel worse about a topic which they already feel bad?"
I'm sorry, but it seems to me that the Las Vegas trip -- and her various reactions to your issues -- are not the problem, but symptomatic of greater problems in such a way that I'd reconsider the whole relationship. Like I said, I understand and can sympathize with her frustration, but jiminy jillickers, playing the hypothetical kids card in a mocking manner is just way over the line of acceptable behavior to me. I worry about how she'd react when you deal with other serious relationship troubles down the line.
Also, you should treat your issues. But maybe go traveling with someone else.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
"Is this what you're going to do if we have kids -- bully them into submission if they have mental health issues and make them feel worse about a topic which they already feel bad?"
I'm sorry, but it seems to me that the Las Vegas trip -- and her various reactions to your issues -- are not the problem, but symptomatic of greater problems in such a way that I'd reconsider the whole relationship. Like I said, I understand and can sympathize with her frustration, but jiminy jillickers, playing the hypothetical kids card in a mocking manner is just way over the line of acceptable behavior to me. I worry about how she'd react when you deal with other serious relationship troubles down the line.
Also, you should treat your issues. But maybe go traveling with someone else.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:00 PM on August 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
In your situation, I'd simply do this: cancel the trip with your girlfriend, saying "look, I appreciate that you're trying to force me into facing this issue, but the way you're going about it is actually making things worse. So I'm not going on this trip, but I am going to take a trip on my own at a level I'm comfortable with, and I'm going to do it during the same period of time, so you can go to Vegas if you want. If that's not good enough for you, then I'm going to have to break up with you so that you can indulge your love for travel with someone else...but either way, I appreciate the thought behind your attempt to push me, and that's why I'm taking this solo trip on good faith that it might do me some good."
Then, plan a trip like so: one day's easy drive (6 hours) drive to a motel, sleep. There, you hit your first milestone. The next morning, do one more day's easy drive (6 hours) in the same direction. If you make it, you sleep at that motel, and you've successfully traveled outside of your fear range. If you don't make it, you turn around and (at most) have to drive less than 12 hours (or one really long driving day) back to your house. I suspect knowing that, technically, you're within a day's drive at the end of the second day (even if it would suck) will go a long way towards easing your discomfort.
And if you can't do that, even if you only make it an hour away before turning around on the first day? Well, you do what you can, keep a diary of how you feel every two hours or so on the trip, and bring that diary to your girlfriend (to show how hard this is for you, and to illustrate that you actually tried) and your therapist (because this is something you might be able to overcome with assistance, so you might as well try.)
Ultimately it is an experiment, but it is one that you totally control (because you're driving rather than flying, and you're doing it on your own terms.) Good luck.
posted by davejay at 2:06 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Then, plan a trip like so: one day's easy drive (6 hours) drive to a motel, sleep. There, you hit your first milestone. The next morning, do one more day's easy drive (6 hours) in the same direction. If you make it, you sleep at that motel, and you've successfully traveled outside of your fear range. If you don't make it, you turn around and (at most) have to drive less than 12 hours (or one really long driving day) back to your house. I suspect knowing that, technically, you're within a day's drive at the end of the second day (even if it would suck) will go a long way towards easing your discomfort.
And if you can't do that, even if you only make it an hour away before turning around on the first day? Well, you do what you can, keep a diary of how you feel every two hours or so on the trip, and bring that diary to your girlfriend (to show how hard this is for you, and to illustrate that you actually tried) and your therapist (because this is something you might be able to overcome with assistance, so you might as well try.)
Ultimately it is an experiment, but it is one that you totally control (because you're driving rather than flying, and you're doing it on your own terms.) Good luck.
posted by davejay at 2:06 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also:
"Is this what you're going to do if we have kids -- bully them into submission if they have mental health issues and make them feel worse about a topic which they already feel bad?"
Yes, exactly that, too. That's why you shouldn't travel with her if you are really going to take this journey on. She's not helping, and she's actually hindering.
posted by davejay at 2:07 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Is this what you're going to do if we have kids -- bully them into submission if they have mental health issues and make them feel worse about a topic which they already feel bad?"
Yes, exactly that, too. That's why you shouldn't travel with her if you are really going to take this journey on. She's not helping, and she's actually hindering.
posted by davejay at 2:07 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Is this what you're going to do if we have kids -- bully them into submission if they have mental health issues and make them feel worse about a topic which they already feel bad?"
Exactly. I think your girlfriend probably does not accept how serious of a problem this is for you and is hoping this trip will just "snap you out of it". Tell her you can't go on the trip, but will see a therapist to work on this. If that is unacceptable to her, you're better off anyways.
You need to be willing to get help and work on this and she needs to be willing to take it slow and be patient about this.
posted by sunshine37 at 2:08 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Exactly. I think your girlfriend probably does not accept how serious of a problem this is for you and is hoping this trip will just "snap you out of it". Tell her you can't go on the trip, but will see a therapist to work on this. If that is unacceptable to her, you're better off anyways.
You need to be willing to get help and work on this and she needs to be willing to take it slow and be patient about this.
posted by sunshine37 at 2:08 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
As a longtime experiencer of anxiety - I'm going to cut your girlfriend a break. I think she probably thinks, "if we do this big trip then anonymous will find out it's no big deal, really." Yes, I even think that after the anxiety made you leave your restaurant meal. Which is really unfortunate when the time honoured way to deal with this stuff is desensitization, changing bit by bit.
I'm anticipating that Vegas is going to be sheer hell for you, and unmitigated frustration for your girlfriend. I'm thinking some research is necessary so you can point out that changing things bit by bit is the way to go (look at agoraphobia for a start).
If your girlfriend won't accept this, possibly it's a dealbreaker. If she's looking at you as marriage material, I'm going to cut her another break. Yeah, it'd be hard to live with someone (I know, I've been that someone) who's anxious.
Therapy. Medication. Desensitization. Get well.
posted by b33j at 2:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm anticipating that Vegas is going to be sheer hell for you, and unmitigated frustration for your girlfriend. I'm thinking some research is necessary so you can point out that changing things bit by bit is the way to go (look at agoraphobia for a start).
If your girlfriend won't accept this, possibly it's a dealbreaker. If she's looking at you as marriage material, I'm going to cut her another break. Yeah, it'd be hard to live with someone (I know, I've been that someone) who's anxious.
Therapy. Medication. Desensitization. Get well.
posted by b33j at 2:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
The Vegas trip is not great, no, and probably ought to be dealt with and discussed separately after you've gotten your anxiety and phobia under control. She sounds like she's really frustrated with you - but you also sound very frustrated with her. But throughout your question, your descriptions of her assume the worst possible intentions on her part. Resentment is poison to a relationship, and it seems like it's coming from both sides here.
This weekend, while driving around town with her (a rare case where she was driving), I started feeling anxious and asked if maybe she could drop me home before she went on with her day. This is the only time I have ever felt really anxious around her, and her reaction was not sympathetic at all. She was very annoyed with me for ruining the plan of the day, and she got really upset that I ordered a meal at a restaurant that I ended up feeling too anxious to eat.
Or, she was excited to be out of the house doing things with you, and was crushed when that was no longer possible. It's not about the meal and it's not about you "ruining the plan." It's about her not being able to do a relatively ordinary thing - driving around town and eating lunch out - with her partner.
She has always been very obsessed with us getting married
As noted, this is a pretty dismissive way to talk about your partner. Can you see yourself marrying her? If so, don't talk about her desire to get married this way. If not, you have a more fundamental problem with the relationship.
I get that you feel like she's not understanding your situation, but it may be a useful exercise to try to imagine yourself in her shoes and why she might be disappointed, frustrated, or discouraged by the limitations your anxiety is placing on both of your lives. If you can verbalize this sympathy to her, she's more likely to direct her frustration elsewhere and respond in kind, and you guys can start seeing your way towards viewing each other as partners and not adversaries.
This only works if you're proactively seeking treatment for the issues you describe. And yes, if you are not in treatment (and it sounds like you're not) call a therapist today.
posted by superfluousm at 2:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [12 favorites]
This weekend, while driving around town with her (a rare case where she was driving), I started feeling anxious and asked if maybe she could drop me home before she went on with her day. This is the only time I have ever felt really anxious around her, and her reaction was not sympathetic at all. She was very annoyed with me for ruining the plan of the day, and she got really upset that I ordered a meal at a restaurant that I ended up feeling too anxious to eat.
Or, she was excited to be out of the house doing things with you, and was crushed when that was no longer possible. It's not about the meal and it's not about you "ruining the plan." It's about her not being able to do a relatively ordinary thing - driving around town and eating lunch out - with her partner.
She has always been very obsessed with us getting married
As noted, this is a pretty dismissive way to talk about your partner. Can you see yourself marrying her? If so, don't talk about her desire to get married this way. If not, you have a more fundamental problem with the relationship.
I get that you feel like she's not understanding your situation, but it may be a useful exercise to try to imagine yourself in her shoes and why she might be disappointed, frustrated, or discouraged by the limitations your anxiety is placing on both of your lives. If you can verbalize this sympathy to her, she's more likely to direct her frustration elsewhere and respond in kind, and you guys can start seeing your way towards viewing each other as partners and not adversaries.
This only works if you're proactively seeking treatment for the issues you describe. And yes, if you are not in treatment (and it sounds like you're not) call a therapist today.
posted by superfluousm at 2:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [12 favorites]
If she were to get her kneecap broken, would she want you to drag her to Vegas so that she could walk it off and get motivated to stop whining?
Mental health is health. You don't snap out of illness.
This is really cruel stuff. Not maliciously cruel, but the kind of cruel that springs from frustration. (Vegas?! Of all the places.)
posted by moammargaret at 2:10 PM on August 16, 2012 [21 favorites]
Mental health is health. You don't snap out of illness.
This is really cruel stuff. Not maliciously cruel, but the kind of cruel that springs from frustration. (Vegas?! Of all the places.)
posted by moammargaret at 2:10 PM on August 16, 2012 [21 favorites]
Vegas? Fuck, man. No. I've circumnavigated the globe. I spent three days on a train from beijing to Lhasa. A couple years ago I went to Vegas, bugged out, and had to fly home. She may not realize it but she's being totally unreasonable here. If she can't meet you halfway, she's gotta go.
posted by cmoj at 2:12 PM on August 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by cmoj at 2:12 PM on August 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
You've both got a problem in your relationship and an issue that needs addressing. Are you happy being this anxious? Do you feel like you want to overcome this issue? If you are happy with your life being so limited and resentful of any activity that might take you away from your small comfort zone then maybe you two are just not meant to be.
However, it really seems like this is something that could be addressed in therapy. You can either a) decline to go on the Vegas trip, withdraw from your girlfriend and push you two into breakuptown or b) decline to go on the Vegas trip and have therapy appointments lined up starting tomorrow. B is, I think, the only way to get through this ultimatum in the best possible way. You may need to see your primary doctor, if you have one, first. So, call up or have your girlfriend call up and help you get this ball rolling.
posted by amanda at 2:14 PM on August 16, 2012
However, it really seems like this is something that could be addressed in therapy. You can either a) decline to go on the Vegas trip, withdraw from your girlfriend and push you two into breakuptown or b) decline to go on the Vegas trip and have therapy appointments lined up starting tomorrow. B is, I think, the only way to get through this ultimatum in the best possible way. You may need to see your primary doctor, if you have one, first. So, call up or have your girlfriend call up and help you get this ball rolling.
posted by amanda at 2:14 PM on August 16, 2012
Your girlfriend is acting out of frustration. And doing so with some degree of insensitivity/hostility.
But.
You are part of of the problem - in at least equal measure. You focus on how unfair it is to you. What about how unfair it is to her? Why have you been in a two year relationship, and not been treating this problem with a health professional this entire time? It's clear your anxiety is limiting your life. But it is also limiting her life. If you are OK with it limiting her life, well, what is she supposed to make of that?
I think what you should do is get help. Immediately. Show your girlfriend that you are doing so. In exchange, ask her to drop the Vegas trip, and agree to have a talk about the future of the relationship in a reasonable time frame, perhaps six months. Fix a date. If by that date it is clear that you are making no progress, then she has to clearly face the fact that she must accept life with you as you are now, or bail. If you've made progress, it's the same conversation - she has to make a decision as to whether the rate of progress is sufficient, or she should bail. This will give both of you time to adjust to whatever happens. But at least there's a point by which a decision will be made - not endless postponing... you've already wasted two years; life is short, both of you deserve the best. You can see it as finding someone who will accept you for who you are - and it is up to you to make yourself the best partner material that you can be... which is true regardless if it's about your work prospects, your hobbies, your habits or your health. For the things you cannot help, well, you deserve someone who will accept that. But you also have an obligation to be the best partner you can be.
posted by VikingSword at 2:15 PM on August 16, 2012 [25 favorites]
But.
You are part of of the problem - in at least equal measure. You focus on how unfair it is to you. What about how unfair it is to her? Why have you been in a two year relationship, and not been treating this problem with a health professional this entire time? It's clear your anxiety is limiting your life. But it is also limiting her life. If you are OK with it limiting her life, well, what is she supposed to make of that?
I think what you should do is get help. Immediately. Show your girlfriend that you are doing so. In exchange, ask her to drop the Vegas trip, and agree to have a talk about the future of the relationship in a reasonable time frame, perhaps six months. Fix a date. If by that date it is clear that you are making no progress, then she has to clearly face the fact that she must accept life with you as you are now, or bail. If you've made progress, it's the same conversation - she has to make a decision as to whether the rate of progress is sufficient, or she should bail. This will give both of you time to adjust to whatever happens. But at least there's a point by which a decision will be made - not endless postponing... you've already wasted two years; life is short, both of you deserve the best. You can see it as finding someone who will accept you for who you are - and it is up to you to make yourself the best partner material that you can be... which is true regardless if it's about your work prospects, your hobbies, your habits or your health. For the things you cannot help, well, you deserve someone who will accept that. But you also have an obligation to be the best partner you can be.
posted by VikingSword at 2:15 PM on August 16, 2012 [25 favorites]
Mental health is health. You don't snap out of illness.
Man, if I could favorite this 1 million times, it would not be enough. I can't add anything to it.
posted by virago at 2:16 PM on August 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Man, if I could favorite this 1 million times, it would not be enough. I can't add anything to it.
posted by virago at 2:16 PM on August 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Your girlfriend doesn't appear to understand what anxiety disorders are, how they manifest, or how they are treated. She could use some education in this area so that she understands your experience better.
You should consider getting some/more professional help for your persistent anxiety issues. Commit to fixing this through therapy, meds, whatever it takes. Do this for yourself, first. Chronic anxiety and panic are debilitating and have bad effects on your long-term health.
Either way, the approaches you both appear to have taken aren't the best roads out of this situation. Find a way to meet each other half way.
posted by quince at 2:18 PM on August 16, 2012
You should consider getting some/more professional help for your persistent anxiety issues. Commit to fixing this through therapy, meds, whatever it takes. Do this for yourself, first. Chronic anxiety and panic are debilitating and have bad effects on your long-term health.
Either way, the approaches you both appear to have taken aren't the best roads out of this situation. Find a way to meet each other half way.
posted by quince at 2:18 PM on August 16, 2012
Virago, that's totally true - but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be pissed if my partner wasn't seeking any treatment for it.
posted by murfed13 at 2:20 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by murfed13 at 2:20 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
She's clearly frustrated with you and, while her ultimatum is really a clear signal that her patience has run out, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't seek treatment to address this head on if you haven't already.
I mean, I can understand how she'd be frustrated. She may have known about your phobia going into the relationship, but that doesn't mean much when you're merely dealing in the abstract. When it becomes real, it can feel like a tether to her and, while she's not being sensitive at all to you, you're also not reflecting much sensitivity yourself. She wants to share her life with you, but you're just not able to fully right now.
Looks like this relationship has reached its end. But you can still work on improving you.
posted by inturnaround at 2:22 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I mean, I can understand how she'd be frustrated. She may have known about your phobia going into the relationship, but that doesn't mean much when you're merely dealing in the abstract. When it becomes real, it can feel like a tether to her and, while she's not being sensitive at all to you, you're also not reflecting much sensitivity yourself. She wants to share her life with you, but you're just not able to fully right now.
Looks like this relationship has reached its end. But you can still work on improving you.
posted by inturnaround at 2:22 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
"I totally get where she’s coming from, but I can’t help feeling that her needs are superseding mine in this case."
If you haven't made a real effort to address this problem during the 2 years you've been together, YOUR needs have been superseding hers for a long time. I get how debilitating anxiety is, but having to tiptoe around another person's anxiety is a recipe for serious resentment.
You have two problems on your hands. It would be better if you solved them independently of each other.
posted by rhythm and booze at 2:23 PM on August 16, 2012 [17 favorites]
If you haven't made a real effort to address this problem during the 2 years you've been together, YOUR needs have been superseding hers for a long time. I get how debilitating anxiety is, but having to tiptoe around another person's anxiety is a recipe for serious resentment.
You have two problems on your hands. It would be better if you solved them independently of each other.
posted by rhythm and booze at 2:23 PM on August 16, 2012 [17 favorites]
Yeah, as someone who has mostly treated their anxiety, I concur that just going on the trip with the degree of symptoms you seem to have is a bad idea.
That said, she would be totally being reasonable to insist that you get treatment and work on the problem as a condition of continuing the relationship. The current situation isn't ideal for either of you.
And as someone who used to have fairly intense anxiety issues that are now more of an occasional inconvenience, I think you should use this as extra motivation to help yourself FOR YOURSELF. Whether the relationship continues or not this will be good for you.
But the trip seems like a guaranteed breakup --- your relationship is already under stress, add in the anxiety and stress of the trip on you and I can't imagine a good outcome.
posted by wildcrdj at 2:25 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
That said, she would be totally being reasonable to insist that you get treatment and work on the problem as a condition of continuing the relationship. The current situation isn't ideal for either of you.
And as someone who used to have fairly intense anxiety issues that are now more of an occasional inconvenience, I think you should use this as extra motivation to help yourself FOR YOURSELF. Whether the relationship continues or not this will be good for you.
But the trip seems like a guaranteed breakup --- your relationship is already under stress, add in the anxiety and stress of the trip on you and I can't imagine a good outcome.
posted by wildcrdj at 2:25 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is one of those situations -- like most relationship situations -- where trying to identify a winner and a loser is counter productive.
Your girlfriend's ultimatum is probably not the best way to deal with your anxiety issues, but most people are not experts on dealing with mental illness, so this may seem like a workable idea to her. And her concerns about the future are entirely legitimate and totally reasonable for someone in a 2 year relationship -- but she expressed them in a particularly cruel and frustrating way.
And your fears are unreasonable and incredibly limiting. It's one thing to be afraid to fly -- though even that is very limiting if your family isn't nearby or you happen to be in a relationship with someone who likes to travel -- but being unable to spend time in a car with someone else driving is sometimes going to be difficult to deal with.
You are both flawed people. You are both dealing with this situation poorly. That is understandable, because it's a shitty situation that is no doubt frustrating and awful for both of you.
You need to get therapy (or more therapy or better therapy) for your fears. She needs to educate herself about how to deal with anxiety and phobias. You both need couples counselling. This is a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but not necessarily a sign that it's irreparably broken.
Unless she's deadly serious about 'fly to Vegas or we're done'. In which case, your relationship is irreparably broken and she's just forcing it to an end where she doesn't have to feel like the bad guy.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:38 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Your girlfriend's ultimatum is probably not the best way to deal with your anxiety issues, but most people are not experts on dealing with mental illness, so this may seem like a workable idea to her. And her concerns about the future are entirely legitimate and totally reasonable for someone in a 2 year relationship -- but she expressed them in a particularly cruel and frustrating way.
And your fears are unreasonable and incredibly limiting. It's one thing to be afraid to fly -- though even that is very limiting if your family isn't nearby or you happen to be in a relationship with someone who likes to travel -- but being unable to spend time in a car with someone else driving is sometimes going to be difficult to deal with.
You are both flawed people. You are both dealing with this situation poorly. That is understandable, because it's a shitty situation that is no doubt frustrating and awful for both of you.
You need to get therapy (or more therapy or better therapy) for your fears. She needs to educate herself about how to deal with anxiety and phobias. You both need couples counselling. This is a sign that your relationship is in trouble, but not necessarily a sign that it's irreparably broken.
Unless she's deadly serious about 'fly to Vegas or we're done'. In which case, your relationship is irreparably broken and she's just forcing it to an end where she doesn't have to feel like the bad guy.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:38 PM on August 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
(Wanted to add: I don't think you're necessarily picking a winner/loser OP, but that seems to be somewhat the tenor of some of the comments.)
posted by jacquilynne at 2:43 PM on August 16, 2012
posted by jacquilynne at 2:43 PM on August 16, 2012
Your girlfriend probably just hit the breaking point and dealt with it in both shitty and cruel ways. (I'm assuming she chose Vegas because she wants to go to Vegas, not because she thinks it would be some sort of extreme desensitization.) It is shitty to buy airplane tickets and make it an ultimatum. It is cruel to bring up kids the way she did.
You've been shitty and cruel in your own ways, too. It's cruel to say she is obsessed with marriage -- she's your girlfriend, she sees a long-term future with you, and like most (but not all) people in this culture, she sees marriage as the marker of that future. It's shitty to just say "I am anxious and so I have to always drive and we can never go anywhere together and I'm not going to work on getting help." (I am assuming that your mention of drugs but lack of mention of therapy means that you are not in therapy, or not in effective therapy.)
Is there any way to bring this up calmly? To have a discussion, perhaps in front of a counselor of some sort, where you can both bring up these issues and work on something that will work out for both of you?
posted by jeather at 2:46 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
You've been shitty and cruel in your own ways, too. It's cruel to say she is obsessed with marriage -- she's your girlfriend, she sees a long-term future with you, and like most (but not all) people in this culture, she sees marriage as the marker of that future. It's shitty to just say "I am anxious and so I have to always drive and we can never go anywhere together and I'm not going to work on getting help." (I am assuming that your mention of drugs but lack of mention of therapy means that you are not in therapy, or not in effective therapy.)
Is there any way to bring this up calmly? To have a discussion, perhaps in front of a counselor of some sort, where you can both bring up these issues and work on something that will work out for both of you?
posted by jeather at 2:46 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have anxiety, but nowhere near your level of anxiety. That being said, though I don't think your girlfriend is dealing with it in the right way, she has a point. If you get married and have kids (something that might happen with her or with someone else), you're going to have to sometimes drive them out of town, or go on vacations with them, or do all sorts of things that would likely not feel safe for you because your level of anxiety is both unusual and extreme. If I were in her position, I'd likely be thinking, "Shit, this guy isn't marriage material, not the way things are right now."
The tricky thing about anxiety is that it fools you into thinking that giving into your anxiety is both righteous and correct, because it's safe. It's not. Please pursue therapy--cocooning yourself from the outside world, from the normal experiences most other people your age are having, is no way to live.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:52 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
The tricky thing about anxiety is that it fools you into thinking that giving into your anxiety is both righteous and correct, because it's safe. It's not. Please pursue therapy--cocooning yourself from the outside world, from the normal experiences most other people your age are having, is no way to live.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:52 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
You should get professional help for your anxiety and agoraphobia. A professional can help you fix this problem.
And you should dump your girlfriend today. Rip the band-aid off fast. This is asshole behavior and you should not stay in a relationship with someone who disrespects you that much.
Someday, when you travel on your own, you'll be happy to be able to do it on your own terms to your own dream destinations.
posted by phoebus at 3:04 PM on August 16, 2012
And you should dump your girlfriend today. Rip the band-aid off fast. This is asshole behavior and you should not stay in a relationship with someone who disrespects you that much.
Someday, when you travel on your own, you'll be happy to be able to do it on your own terms to your own dream destinations.
posted by phoebus at 3:04 PM on August 16, 2012
I have questions about the timeline that change my answers.
1. Had she ever complained about not traveling with you? Suggested you get help?
2. Did she book this trip 'a few months ago,' or like, yesterday?
Beciase if she has always been asking you to get help with this and you have not, the situation is very different from her acting happy as a clam to go explore the world solo while stewing with resentment.
Same idea with the timing of the arrangements. If you've known about this trip for two or three months and haven't addressed this until now, your next actions look different than if she called this morning and said, "Baby! We're got to Vegas!"
posted by tulip-socks at 3:06 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Had she ever complained about not traveling with you? Suggested you get help?
2. Did she book this trip 'a few months ago,' or like, yesterday?
Beciase if she has always been asking you to get help with this and you have not, the situation is very different from her acting happy as a clam to go explore the world solo while stewing with resentment.
Same idea with the timing of the arrangements. If you've known about this trip for two or three months and haven't addressed this until now, your next actions look different than if she called this morning and said, "Baby! We're got to Vegas!"
posted by tulip-socks at 3:06 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
She loves to travel, however, and a few months ago she essentially gave me an ultimatum (...) So she booked us a trip to Vegas next weekend.
So what have you been doing during the time in which she discussed this ultimatum with you months ago, and now? Have you been aggressively pursuing therapy? Gradually expanding your own limits? Have you been doing anything?
I agree that her buying a ticket to Vegas is not the way to go about it, but it seems like she's put up with a lot - and probably a lot of nothing on your behalf (from the sounds of it, you don't mention therapy or any active willingness to work to overcome your anxiety).
Before you go on this trip, you need to figure out what it is that you want - what do you want with your girlfriend, and what do you want for yourself. A couple I know is currently separated, because the husband wouldn't do anything with his wife and son - no vacations, no trips, no apple picking, no hiking, no nothing except going out to dinner sometimes. He was unwilling to change. His excuse was "I'm content just having you around." That's a shitty excuse for staying in a relationship. Being in a relationship for most people, doesn't mean you stay stagnant - it means actively sharing, living, and growing your lives collectively. Your girlfriend seems to want this. While she's going about it wrong, it's very much understandable.
But what exactly is it that you want? It's fine for you to not work on your anxiety and stay where you are forever. That's totally ok, if that's what you want for you. But you also cannot expect others to put their lives on hold.
posted by raztaj at 3:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
So what have you been doing during the time in which she discussed this ultimatum with you months ago, and now? Have you been aggressively pursuing therapy? Gradually expanding your own limits? Have you been doing anything?
I agree that her buying a ticket to Vegas is not the way to go about it, but it seems like she's put up with a lot - and probably a lot of nothing on your behalf (from the sounds of it, you don't mention therapy or any active willingness to work to overcome your anxiety).
Before you go on this trip, you need to figure out what it is that you want - what do you want with your girlfriend, and what do you want for yourself. A couple I know is currently separated, because the husband wouldn't do anything with his wife and son - no vacations, no trips, no apple picking, no hiking, no nothing except going out to dinner sometimes. He was unwilling to change. His excuse was "I'm content just having you around." That's a shitty excuse for staying in a relationship. Being in a relationship for most people, doesn't mean you stay stagnant - it means actively sharing, living, and growing your lives collectively. Your girlfriend seems to want this. While she's going about it wrong, it's very much understandable.
But what exactly is it that you want? It's fine for you to not work on your anxiety and stay where you are forever. That's totally ok, if that's what you want for you. But you also cannot expect others to put their lives on hold.
posted by raztaj at 3:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
In fairness to her - A few months ago she told you that she needed a change: Either you needed to get help or she needed to find a partner who could share her joy of traveling. You've had the issue since 1997. If you haven't done anything to address this issue in 15 years, well, you just aren't going to do anything.
You've put your needs ahead of hers for the last two years and she's pissed. The Vegas trip is thing that will force a break up. However the root cause is her underlying anger at your lack of progress dealing with your mental health issue.
posted by 26.2 at 3:21 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
You've put your needs ahead of hers for the last two years and she's pissed. The Vegas trip is thing that will force a break up. However the root cause is her underlying anger at your lack of progress dealing with your mental health issue.
posted by 26.2 at 3:21 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
(As a practical matter - assuming that your agoraphobia is the large-crowd kind and not the open-spaces kind - if you do wind up in Vegas you should rent a car and get the hell out of there: west to Death Valley, or southeast to the Grand Canyon. Map out some motels that can serve as your home base and that you can return to within an hour of wherever you are. The wide open desert is the exact opposite of Vegas; the antidote to its poison.)
Note to others in this thread who are blasting the OP for not seeking therapy: the large vial of Klonopin did not materialize from thin air. Don't assume that because someone is still sick they haven't sought/aren't seeking help.
posted by moammargaret at 3:29 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Note to others in this thread who are blasting the OP for not seeking therapy: the large vial of Klonopin did not materialize from thin air. Don't assume that because someone is still sick they haven't sought/aren't seeking help.
posted by moammargaret at 3:29 PM on August 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Don't assume that because someone is still sick they haven't sought/aren't seeking help.
If the OP has sought help, it might be relevant to mention it. I don't think anyone is "blasting" the OP for still being sick - but for apparently being inactive in trying to work on his anxiety issues in 15 years (again, going on the lack of mention of therapy, goalposts, etc.). Yes, the OP suggested taking a longer driving trip months ago - but there is no mention of him/them trying this in the months after an "ultimatum" was first put on the table.
posted by raztaj at 3:38 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If the OP has sought help, it might be relevant to mention it. I don't think anyone is "blasting" the OP for still being sick - but for apparently being inactive in trying to work on his anxiety issues in 15 years (again, going on the lack of mention of therapy, goalposts, etc.). Yes, the OP suggested taking a longer driving trip months ago - but there is no mention of him/them trying this in the months after an "ultimatum" was first put on the table.
posted by raztaj at 3:38 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Lots of relationships go on for a few years, but when you get serious about marriage the real deal breakers emerge. There are things which are acceptable in a steady date that one will not tolerate in a lifelong partner.
From the question, the OP is thinking that going an hour's drive from home counts as travel. That's probably a really big step for the OP; however, doesn't meet his partner's needs. They have different needs and cannot find a compromise or way to work together. I'm not defending her Vegas trip choice. However, she did make the request a few months ago and there hasn't been enough progress for her to see this coming to a successful resolution.
The OP asked if this ultimatum represents a problem with their relationship. I'd say, it absolutely does.
posted by 26.2 at 3:57 PM on August 16, 2012
From the question, the OP is thinking that going an hour's drive from home counts as travel. That's probably a really big step for the OP; however, doesn't meet his partner's needs. They have different needs and cannot find a compromise or way to work together. I'm not defending her Vegas trip choice. However, she did make the request a few months ago and there hasn't been enough progress for her to see this coming to a successful resolution.
The OP asked if this ultimatum represents a problem with their relationship. I'd say, it absolutely does.
posted by 26.2 at 3:57 PM on August 16, 2012
I think a better solution would be that the two of you should consult a therapist about exposure therapy to resolve your agoraphobia. My mom is agoraphobic, and I am anxious, so I can relate to both sides. I think your idea of a several hour road trip is pretty bad, and her idea of a flight to Vegas is even worse.
But mostly, the language you use to describe your relationship sounds pretty unpleasant and while I know that this question is about how to handle the ultimatum I can't help but wonder if the relationship is in fact an issue.
posted by sm1tten at 4:41 PM on August 16, 2012
But mostly, the language you use to describe your relationship sounds pretty unpleasant and while I know that this question is about how to handle the ultimatum I can't help but wonder if the relationship is in fact an issue.
posted by sm1tten at 4:41 PM on August 16, 2012
It sounds like your girlfriend waited to bring this up until she was sort of at her breaking point with frustration. And so now she wants it dealt with immediately because she's been stewing silently about this shit for months, and ... well, it's not necessarily the sort of thing that can be dealt with immediately.
You can't just magically become anxiety-free right away, on command. What you can do, as others are pointing out, is begin right away with the process of getting help. If you're not in therapy, start right now. If the meds you're on aren't really giving you relief from your symptoms (and "well, if I reorganize my whole life around avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, then I'm anxiety-free" is not relief from your symptoms, though I know it sure feels a hell of a lot better than "crippling anxiety no matter how I organize my life") then switch to a real psychiatrist if you've just been getting them from a GP, set up a new appointment either way, and hash out a plan for getting the anxiety under control for real.
And then I hate to say this but it's up to your girlfriend to decide whether that's good enough. She's asked for something impossible. You're going to do what you can. And then she'll either recognize you made a good-faith effort and decide to stick around, or decide she doesn't have the patience to wait. You can't control that. But whatever she does, you will have gotten your ass into therapy and started getting your meds sorted out, and that is a huge awesome thing that will provide a hell of a silver lining even if y'all's relationship can't be saved.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
You can't just magically become anxiety-free right away, on command. What you can do, as others are pointing out, is begin right away with the process of getting help. If you're not in therapy, start right now. If the meds you're on aren't really giving you relief from your symptoms (and "well, if I reorganize my whole life around avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, then I'm anxiety-free" is not relief from your symptoms, though I know it sure feels a hell of a lot better than "crippling anxiety no matter how I organize my life") then switch to a real psychiatrist if you've just been getting them from a GP, set up a new appointment either way, and hash out a plan for getting the anxiety under control for real.
And then I hate to say this but it's up to your girlfriend to decide whether that's good enough. She's asked for something impossible. You're going to do what you can. And then she'll either recognize you made a good-faith effort and decide to stick around, or decide she doesn't have the patience to wait. You can't control that. But whatever she does, you will have gotten your ass into therapy and started getting your meds sorted out, and that is a huge awesome thing that will provide a hell of a silver lining even if y'all's relationship can't be saved.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:49 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
The OP asked if this ultimatum represents a problem with their relationship. I'd say, it absolutely does.
True and true.
But the OP also asked:
Is this a problem or an opportunity?
and:
do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again, albeit in sort of a forced, anxiety-producing way?
The OP is not enthusiastically embracing his victimhood. He is, in fact, open to the possibility of just setting his teeth and flying to fuckin' Vegas.
I say take your pills, hold her hand, and go. Your fears are nothing to be afraid of.
posted by General Tonic at 4:54 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
True and true.
But the OP also asked:
Is this a problem or an opportunity?
and:
do I take it as an opportunity to finally try traveling again, albeit in sort of a forced, anxiety-producing way?
The OP is not enthusiastically embracing his victimhood. He is, in fact, open to the possibility of just setting his teeth and flying to fuckin' Vegas.
I say take your pills, hold her hand, and go. Your fears are nothing to be afraid of.
posted by General Tonic at 4:54 PM on August 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Virago, that's totally true - but it doesn't mean I wouldn't be pissed if my partner wasn't seeking any treatment for it.
I agree, murfed, and I agree with those upthread who've said that the girlfriend would be justified in issuing an ultimatum of the "Treatment, or I bail" variety.
But nebulawindphone is right:
I agree, murfed, and I agree with those upthread who've said that the girlfriend would be justified in issuing an ultimatum of the "Treatment, or I bail" variety.
But nebulawindphone is right:
It sounds like your girlfriend waited to bring this up until she was sort of at her breaking point with frustration. And so now she wants it dealt with immediately because she's been stewing silently about this shit for months, and ... well, it's not necessarily the sort of thing that can be dealt with immediately.posted by virago at 8:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Oh, I have been in your shoes. "Is this what it will be like when we get married and have kids? I’ll have to tell them Dad can’t come with us to certain things?" is pretty much exactly what was said to me.
So, yes, my partner has no understanding of anxiety disorders and phobias. He literally just doesn't understand them. And I... hadn't gotten on a plane in 20 years. And that was after significant treatment—after I started getting in elevators and cabs again.
I can tell you that getting through this was sometimes messy and horrible (for both of us! Probably mostly for me!). And also? I think some ass-kicking is in order. You know what people with anxiety don't like to face? Right. Postponement and avoidance (and control) is what we're all about.
Now you are contemplating breaking up with her as a way to further postpone dealing with your anxiety, it sounds like to me. (Not to say that maybe you shouldn't break up with her for other reasons! I don't know her, no idea!)
But she's ending up in the Big Box Of Horrible Things That Must Be Avoided.
The good news is this:
You don't die of anxiety. You don't have to freak out, at any time, even when you're terrified. (Take it from the guy who had to be physically dragged on board a plane and then cried for five hours the first time. Mmm hmm. Pretty! Not particularly ideal, honestly! But hey.)
And what's wrong with you is totally treatable. If she's the thing that spurs you into changing your life, well then isn't that wonderful? Now forget her: Do you want to to treat yourself as if you were homebound for the rest of your life? Do you never want to breathe easily and be spontaneous and go places and be delighted? I bet deep down you want something more than what you have now.
So I hope, with the assistance of great professional help, that you're embarking on an adventure with her. And if not with her, for whatever reason, then at least for yourself. It's up to you to step up.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:21 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
So, yes, my partner has no understanding of anxiety disorders and phobias. He literally just doesn't understand them. And I... hadn't gotten on a plane in 20 years. And that was after significant treatment—after I started getting in elevators and cabs again.
I can tell you that getting through this was sometimes messy and horrible (for both of us! Probably mostly for me!). And also? I think some ass-kicking is in order. You know what people with anxiety don't like to face? Right. Postponement and avoidance (and control) is what we're all about.
Now you are contemplating breaking up with her as a way to further postpone dealing with your anxiety, it sounds like to me. (Not to say that maybe you shouldn't break up with her for other reasons! I don't know her, no idea!)
But she's ending up in the Big Box Of Horrible Things That Must Be Avoided.
The good news is this:
You don't die of anxiety. You don't have to freak out, at any time, even when you're terrified. (Take it from the guy who had to be physically dragged on board a plane and then cried for five hours the first time. Mmm hmm. Pretty! Not particularly ideal, honestly! But hey.)
And what's wrong with you is totally treatable. If she's the thing that spurs you into changing your life, well then isn't that wonderful? Now forget her: Do you want to to treat yourself as if you were homebound for the rest of your life? Do you never want to breathe easily and be spontaneous and go places and be delighted? I bet deep down you want something more than what you have now.
So I hope, with the assistance of great professional help, that you're embarking on an adventure with her. And if not with her, for whatever reason, then at least for yourself. It's up to you to step up.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:21 PM on August 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Mental health is health. You don't snap out of illness.
Apparently this isn't accurate. I can't give any home-run links, because his process of discovery spans many blog entries, but Gabe of Penny arcade had travel anxiety, and general anxiety, didn't seek treatment until he was 30 (fear of pills was part of his problem), but not too long after, he was gushing about the massive changes it made to his life and the freedom he had gained.
It kinda sounds like treatment can be the difference between night and day.
posted by anonymisc at 9:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Apparently this isn't accurate. I can't give any home-run links, because his process of discovery spans many blog entries, but Gabe of Penny arcade had travel anxiety, and general anxiety, didn't seek treatment until he was 30 (fear of pills was part of his problem), but not too long after, he was gushing about the massive changes it made to his life and the freedom he had gained.
It kinda sounds like treatment can be the difference between night and day.
posted by anonymisc at 9:09 PM on August 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Anxiety doesn't get better by avoiding the triggers. Particularly when it is a trigger that the avoidance of causes issues.
I say this as someone who has been treated for PTSD and is currently being treated for anxiety.
Your partner isn't exactly helping, with the douchey comments and the all-in nature of the planned trip. But you have had MONTHS to work on this with her. And when you say she rarely sees you anxious that plays into it too. If she never sees the effect things have on you, or you fighting them, they will never be real. My relationships with EVERYONE have become easier now I just admit that I'm struggling a bit, or a bit anxious, or whatever (everyone being those closest to me who I feel comfortable knowing about my issues). Apart from what it means to me (breaking some of the social anxiety spiral) they can properly parse my silences and off sentences and compulsive movements and help me. Without that cue all they have is someone going silent, doing that weird thing with their hand, and talking like they're pissed off. This does still include my partner because as well as he knows me, if I am deliberately concealing my symptoms he will not know about them.
Mental health does NOT have the same treatment modality as a broken bone. It is far more like physio than anything, if we want to get into reductive comparisons.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:52 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I say this as someone who has been treated for PTSD and is currently being treated for anxiety.
Your partner isn't exactly helping, with the douchey comments and the all-in nature of the planned trip. But you have had MONTHS to work on this with her. And when you say she rarely sees you anxious that plays into it too. If she never sees the effect things have on you, or you fighting them, they will never be real. My relationships with EVERYONE have become easier now I just admit that I'm struggling a bit, or a bit anxious, or whatever (everyone being those closest to me who I feel comfortable knowing about my issues). Apart from what it means to me (breaking some of the social anxiety spiral) they can properly parse my silences and off sentences and compulsive movements and help me. Without that cue all they have is someone going silent, doing that weird thing with their hand, and talking like they're pissed off. This does still include my partner because as well as he knows me, if I am deliberately concealing my symptoms he will not know about them.
Mental health does NOT have the same treatment modality as a broken bone. It is far more like physio than anything, if we want to get into reductive comparisons.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:52 PM on August 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I grew up with a father who has extreme travel anxiety. He always had to take his own car to family functions so he could leave without us. On a trip to Disney World, he never left the hotel grounds and refused to even go near the metro rail. If we were driving somewhere, he would panic if he did not see a place to use the bathroom after 30 minutes or so, to the point where he would be hyperventilating, even if he did not have to actually use the bathroom. He has cancelled countless trips at the last minute. He will not take a bus or a tram or a ferry or any form of transportation that he is not in direct control of, except for the very occasional trip on an airplane if it is absolutely necessary.
As a family, we learned to accept his problem because we could do nothing about it. Eventually he got a prescription for Xanax, which did help a bit. There continues to be two major issues.
1. He lies. He will say his is sick to avoid going somewhere. We would much prefer he say that he just doesn't want to go. So don't lie--just be honest as you have been so far.
2. None of us gets excited about his own plans to go places (taking my mother or both of us) because we doubt that it will actually happen. This causes a lot of tension because he gets angry with us, and we end up walking on eggshells because we don't want to upset him further. So understand that your behavior has a ripple effect on other people, and try to be as understanding about her anger as you can.
So is this a dealbreaker for your relationship? Maybe, if you're not willing to work on the problem. As others have said, her strongarm approach is completely unacceptable, but it would behoove you to consider the effect of your problem on this or future relationships, not to mention your own mental health.
I have extreme anxiety as well, but I did therapy and worked through the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook to overcome my fears. It's not that I don't get anxious anymore--I certainly do--but I'm better able to recognize the signs of impending panic and manage the situation before it gets out of control. I didn't drive for 10 years, I never went anywhere, I'd panic if I got lost or had to call a stranger--I can do all of those things now. Treatment is worth it.
posted by xyzzy at 3:25 AM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]
As a family, we learned to accept his problem because we could do nothing about it. Eventually he got a prescription for Xanax, which did help a bit. There continues to be two major issues.
1. He lies. He will say his is sick to avoid going somewhere. We would much prefer he say that he just doesn't want to go. So don't lie--just be honest as you have been so far.
2. None of us gets excited about his own plans to go places (taking my mother or both of us) because we doubt that it will actually happen. This causes a lot of tension because he gets angry with us, and we end up walking on eggshells because we don't want to upset him further. So understand that your behavior has a ripple effect on other people, and try to be as understanding about her anger as you can.
So is this a dealbreaker for your relationship? Maybe, if you're not willing to work on the problem. As others have said, her strongarm approach is completely unacceptable, but it would behoove you to consider the effect of your problem on this or future relationships, not to mention your own mental health.
I have extreme anxiety as well, but I did therapy and worked through the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook to overcome my fears. It's not that I don't get anxious anymore--I certainly do--but I'm better able to recognize the signs of impending panic and manage the situation before it gets out of control. I didn't drive for 10 years, I never went anywhere, I'd panic if I got lost or had to call a stranger--I can do all of those things now. Treatment is worth it.
posted by xyzzy at 3:25 AM on August 17, 2012 [5 favorites]
Is this what she's going to be like if you get married? Haranguing the kids without empathy if they happen to be different from her, want different things from her, or have disabilities?
Is this really the kind of treatment you want to put up with or subject your future children to? Because I wouldn't. I'd want to be with someone supportive and accepting.
posted by windykites at 5:10 AM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is this really the kind of treatment you want to put up with or subject your future children to? Because I wouldn't. I'd want to be with someone supportive and accepting.
posted by windykites at 5:10 AM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Okay, it sounds like your girlfriend feels completely trapped by your anxiety. She is fed up and frustrated and while booking this trip to Vegas is definitely a jerk move, it is also a jerk move to not tell her for months that you really cannot do this.
It is very likely that your girlfriend is acting like an insensitive jerk because she's panicking that she can't have a healthy relationship with the person she wants to marry, because your relationship right not is so limited by your anxiety. That being said, it seems like she has no idea how mental illness works and forcing you to get on a plane to Vegas or break up is a terrible idea.
Cancel the trip with her, and book an appointment with a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist. Let her know that you are seriously seeking treatment for this. If she wants to stick around, I think she needs to understand your anxiety, how it affects you, and what you are going to do to get better.
posted by inertia at 11:12 AM on August 17, 2012
It is very likely that your girlfriend is acting like an insensitive jerk because she's panicking that she can't have a healthy relationship with the person she wants to marry, because your relationship right not is so limited by your anxiety. That being said, it seems like she has no idea how mental illness works and forcing you to get on a plane to Vegas or break up is a terrible idea.
Cancel the trip with her, and book an appointment with a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist. Let her know that you are seriously seeking treatment for this. If she wants to stick around, I think she needs to understand your anxiety, how it affects you, and what you are going to do to get better.
posted by inertia at 11:12 AM on August 17, 2012
Neuro Linguistic Programming can work very quickly for phobias, and if you have the money to spend on a session, it is worth a try.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:57 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:57 PM on August 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
Break up with her, regardless of what you want to do about your anxiety. A loving partner does not describe the person they're with as having an "obsession" with planning their future. That's really contemptuous, resentful language.
posted by spunweb at 5:01 PM on August 17, 2012
posted by spunweb at 5:01 PM on August 17, 2012
I think the responses pointing fingers at you saying why have you not looked at therapy in all this time are a bit condescending. Maybe I missed a detail where you mention you never worked on it or intend to work on it ever but regardless, I think the comments suggest you don't know what you should be doing.
You really have to break down this problem into more manageable bits-
* Forget about the woman for a while, and her ultimatum. Before she came along, did you realise you still had this issue? Did you plan to do anything about it? For your sakes, your family and friends' sakes?
* Forget about your anxiety. Do you really love this woman as she is? Or does her personality generate more anxiety for you? You really have to see where you lean on this delicate balance. And we are talking serious, long-term relationship here. If she is a 3-5 year pleasure project, then the question is redundant.
* Given your g/f's needs, a g/f you love very much, and your anxiety, which you had always planned to do something about, what is the best course that will be a middle, meeting ground for all parties?
* Are we now going to get through rough patches by giving each other ultimatums? Is this what you should expect when she becomes your wife? Every time she is frustrated, you get an ultimatum?
You need to figure these questions out individually and then figure out what is most important to you. You might be able to work on your anxiety and not go to Vegas and keep your relationship from breaking apart if you really know what you want on every front. This is of course assuming that the g/f will be understanding. If you have done your work and you put the options on the table for her to consider, and she has totally lost it at that point, then maybe you can suggest counseling for her too and/or decide to break up.
posted by xm at 7:43 PM on August 17, 2012
You really have to break down this problem into more manageable bits-
* Forget about the woman for a while, and her ultimatum. Before she came along, did you realise you still had this issue? Did you plan to do anything about it? For your sakes, your family and friends' sakes?
* Forget about your anxiety. Do you really love this woman as she is? Or does her personality generate more anxiety for you? You really have to see where you lean on this delicate balance. And we are talking serious, long-term relationship here. If she is a 3-5 year pleasure project, then the question is redundant.
* Given your g/f's needs, a g/f you love very much, and your anxiety, which you had always planned to do something about, what is the best course that will be a middle, meeting ground for all parties?
* Are we now going to get through rough patches by giving each other ultimatums? Is this what you should expect when she becomes your wife? Every time she is frustrated, you get an ultimatum?
You need to figure these questions out individually and then figure out what is most important to you. You might be able to work on your anxiety and not go to Vegas and keep your relationship from breaking apart if you really know what you want on every front. This is of course assuming that the g/f will be understanding. If you have done your work and you put the options on the table for her to consider, and she has totally lost it at that point, then maybe you can suggest counseling for her too and/or decide to break up.
posted by xm at 7:43 PM on August 17, 2012
Break up with her, regardless of what you want to do about your anxiety. A loving partner does not describe the person they're with as having an "obsession" with planning their future. That's really contemptuous, resentful language
If they've only been together two years and are not even engaged, I'd say it sounds kind of obsessed for her to talk about how their mutual imaginary children will feel about his current anxiety issues.
Also, just to repeat what was said earlier, klonopin does not come from the tooth fairy in the night. So we can assume the OP is working on it, which is probably where the idea of starting small on a little trip came from.
I have sympathy for her - it sounds like she may not understand what anxiety disorders are like. I really don't think that going on a trip to Vegas will help your issues, though. Maybe you could bring her in to a session with your therapist to work out a plan together about how to constructively address the issue? Then she might hear from someone else that it's not just some ridiculous whim on your part not to travel.
posted by winna at 8:32 PM on August 17, 2012
If they've only been together two years and are not even engaged, I'd say it sounds kind of obsessed for her to talk about how their mutual imaginary children will feel about his current anxiety issues.
Also, just to repeat what was said earlier, klonopin does not come from the tooth fairy in the night. So we can assume the OP is working on it, which is probably where the idea of starting small on a little trip came from.
I have sympathy for her - it sounds like she may not understand what anxiety disorders are like. I really don't think that going on a trip to Vegas will help your issues, though. Maybe you could bring her in to a session with your therapist to work out a plan together about how to constructively address the issue? Then she might hear from someone else that it's not just some ridiculous whim on your part not to travel.
posted by winna at 8:32 PM on August 17, 2012
we can assume the OP is working on it, which is probably where the idea of starting small on a little trip came from.
I think it's pretty clear from the context that the OP has not been working on it:
- Not traveling or going anywhere is described by the OP as one of his "needs," to the point where he regards his girlfriend as being selfish for wanting to travel for the first time in 2 years
- The idea of taking a short trip didn't come up in the 15 years of this anxiety issue until the girlfriend, a few months ago, wanted to travel somewhere and presented an ultimatum
- He seems pretty comfortable with the idea of a future in which he doesn't travel, to the point where he considers mentioning how his anxiety will affect his future family life to be out of bounds.
12 years ago, I developed severe pain in my knees that made it pretty much impossible to go running. If I started running, I would have to stop from the aching, and end up with a limp for the rest of the week while I took several pills of Advil to dull the pain. Now I could tell you, 12 years later, how "due to some injuries I got 12 years ago, I no longer run" while I keep a big bottle of painkillers around in case I have a flare up. What I actually did was make an appointment with the doctor the following week, get evaluated to make sure there weren't any more serious injuries, follow a regimen of leg exercises given to me by the doctors, take up yoga, make sure to buy the right pair of running shoes, and exercise well to make sure I could continue running, and I keep up this therapeutic regimen to ensure that I am still able to go running.
I realize that anxiety isn't 100% analogous to my situation because the pathology of the illness is one that inherently makes one reluctant to get treatment for it. However, I think that it is fair to hold people accountable for not treating their illness. Particularly in a relationship, the partner has a responsibility to do things like seek treatment, take his medication on time, etc. Instead, his condition is being recast not as one of his responsibilities to treat and resolve, but rather as a "need" that has to be taken into account by every one else.
posted by deanc at 5:56 AM on August 18, 2012
I think it's pretty clear from the context that the OP has not been working on it:
- Not traveling or going anywhere is described by the OP as one of his "needs," to the point where he regards his girlfriend as being selfish for wanting to travel for the first time in 2 years
- The idea of taking a short trip didn't come up in the 15 years of this anxiety issue until the girlfriend, a few months ago, wanted to travel somewhere and presented an ultimatum
- He seems pretty comfortable with the idea of a future in which he doesn't travel, to the point where he considers mentioning how his anxiety will affect his future family life to be out of bounds.
12 years ago, I developed severe pain in my knees that made it pretty much impossible to go running. If I started running, I would have to stop from the aching, and end up with a limp for the rest of the week while I took several pills of Advil to dull the pain. Now I could tell you, 12 years later, how "due to some injuries I got 12 years ago, I no longer run" while I keep a big bottle of painkillers around in case I have a flare up. What I actually did was make an appointment with the doctor the following week, get evaluated to make sure there weren't any more serious injuries, follow a regimen of leg exercises given to me by the doctors, take up yoga, make sure to buy the right pair of running shoes, and exercise well to make sure I could continue running, and I keep up this therapeutic regimen to ensure that I am still able to go running.
I realize that anxiety isn't 100% analogous to my situation because the pathology of the illness is one that inherently makes one reluctant to get treatment for it. However, I think that it is fair to hold people accountable for not treating their illness. Particularly in a relationship, the partner has a responsibility to do things like seek treatment, take his medication on time, etc. Instead, his condition is being recast not as one of his responsibilities to treat and resolve, but rather as a "need" that has to be taken into account by every one else.
posted by deanc at 5:56 AM on August 18, 2012
« Older Healthy coping mechanisms for being a trans teen | Best way to help a depressed houseguest Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by showbiz_liz at 1:41 PM on August 16, 2012 [38 favorites]