How can I stop thinking about a girl I like, who's too young for me to say anything to, at least enough for me to focus on my work?
August 11, 2012 10:01 AM   Subscribe

How can I stop thinking about a girl I like, who's too young for me to say anything to, at least enough for me to focus on my work? (Snowflakey details inside.)

I met this girl a while back, she's the younger sister of a good friend of mine. I had an immediate attraction towards her, that whole feeling of being "struck by lightning", but when I realized how young she is (she's in high school, I'm in my late 20's), I was pretty disgusted with myself. Luckily, I go to school hundreds of miles from her, so I happily can't reasonably pursue this.

Well that was more than a year ago. She's still in high school, and I still can't stop thinking about her. This is has been interfering with my work for months and months. I can't stop thinking about her even though it's months between the times I see or talk to her, even though I *know* she's underage, and even though I know she's probably not even attracted to someone my age. When I'm at school trying to focus on my lectures, when I'm at home trying to do my work, when I'm trying to go to sleep, my mind won't get off of her. I'm not eating well, either.

All I really want right now is to control these thoughts enough so I can do my work. I have major obligations in my life (I'm a grad student), and I need to do well on them. I want some advice to help me control my thoughts about her.

One thing about me is that I am a person of action. I like doing things about the problems in my life. Being unable to do something about this problem is frustrating beyond belief.

I've tried meeting other people, but I've found that even after talking to them for a while, my heart just won't get invested in them - it's like trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

If she were old enough, or if I wasn't on such incredible terms with her family, I would just flat out tell her and let her reject me and come to terms with all of this that way - when I've been stuck on girls in the past (who were of reasonable age), this has usually completely taken care of my problem. Obviously, the age issue and the awkwardness it would cause within her family make this not an option.

I also try to tell myself to to just wait until she's old enough to tell her, that that is the plan right now, but that only works for a short while. I find myself "purging" in a sense by writing letters to her that afterwards I know would be foolish to send.

Please, someone give me some advice, or some action(s) I can do, that will help me control my thoughts.

The only thing I can think of (this just came to me actually), is writing letters that I don't send, but just save as if I might maybe possibly one day would have the small small smallllll chance of giving her, so that I "trick" myself into feeling like I *am* doing something.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (37 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
You say you've gotten stuck on other girls in the past and dealt with it by "letting them reject you." Maybe look into why you repeatedly get stuck on girls you know aren't a good match.

Often obsessions have less to do with what you're stuck on and more to do with what you're trying to avoid thinking about or dealing with (such as the major obligations in your life).
posted by headnsouth at 10:18 AM on August 11, 2012 [28 favorites]

You don't really know this person. You have idealized her and are infatuated with the idea of her.

Do not contact her. Do not write letters to send to her at some point in the future. That's completely inappropriate and frankly, sounds a little creepy.

I know we are quick to recommend therapy here on AskMe, but... therapy. If your life has truly been as disrupted as you are describing, I think you would benefit from talking to someone about why that is. I think this has less to do with the girl than you might think.
posted by Specklet at 10:18 AM on August 11, 2012 [20 favorites]

I have major obligations in my life (I'm a grad student), and I need to do well on them.

My guess is this obsession is a way to escape thinking about those obligations.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is kind of designed for this.
posted by desjardins at 10:19 AM on August 11, 2012 [15 favorites]

You need to ask yourself some difficult questions, and I think you'll need help answering those questions. Telling her how you feel, writing letters, and so on isn't really taking action. Why? Because simply liking her isn't the issue. You need to take action on figuring out why you are obsessed with her, why her age doesn't put you off. You need to figure out if you can be attracted to a woman without also making you unable to concentrate on anything else. You need to figure out if you are attracted to her because of her youth, not despite it. The action you need to take, the thing you need to do to actually be doing something, is to work out the answers to these questions. You will probably need a therapist to help you do that.
posted by ifandonlyif at 10:20 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

headnsouth has it, ten times over.
posted by Namlit at 10:21 AM on August 11, 2012

I'm wondering, have you thought about why it is you like this girl so much? How much interaction have you had with her? Look, I wasn't a normal teenage girl with I was in high school. I hung with older dudes, all of whom were great to me, respectful and kind, and helped me form an idea in my mind of what I wanted from a man when I got older. I didn't always follow their mold but still, it's nice to know what kind of guy you should be looking for.

However, none of those guys ever hit on me. And they certainly weren't good friends of my siblings. There's a whole level of awkward there that I'm sure is painful for you to deal with. If I were you I'd really think about exactly what it is that's drawing you to her. It's good that you recognize this is not a thing that can happen but doing that doesn't help you move forward, obviously. You need to evaluate your attraction and then I'd suggest looking for and seeking out woman who are available to you but that fit the same mold you think she does. Recognize too that, from your question, it seems that you don't really know this girl at all. Is it possible that she represents a longing you have for that period of your life, when you were her age? It seems like a long shot, that explanation, or maybe it's that you can't have her that's making this tough for you.

At any rate, good luck. Cut yourself a little slack in this department. You're doing the absolute right thing by not pursuing her but it sounds like you're also being really hard on yourself about it. It's okay. Attraction can be weird and stupid. You're being a grown-up about this one. Props for that.

{On preview, got beat on every level of commenting here. Listen to those above :).}
posted by youandiandaflame at 10:22 AM on August 11, 2012

The only thing I can think of (this just came to me actually), is writing letters that I don't send, but just save as if I might maybe possibly one day would have the small small smallllll chance of giving her, so that I "trick" myself into feeling like I *am* doing something.

Hmm, I don't know, from what you've written it sounds like this would be more a form of dwelling on this girl and your thing for her than a way of actively getting her out of your system. The fact that you're giving yourself the "small small smalllllll" chance of one day presenting her with one of these letters sort of tips that off, but even if you were sure you'd never give them to her, it still seems like all this would accomplish is giving you a reason to keep thinking the thoughts you're having.

I know you've said that meeting other people isn't working, but I really think you'd be better of continuing to try this. How many people have you met? How present or half-hearted were you? You might also consider hanging out with the folks from your grad program (or other social circles) - not to strike up a relationship, but just to have other people to fill your life and take your thoughts away from this girl.

In the end, I think you're going to have to be firm with yourself. This girl is not for you. You know this; now cut off all of those little wistful "but what ifs?" your brain keeps going to. Heck, even try that old "snap the rubber band on the wrist" trick or something to catch and stop yourself every time your thoughts start going towards her. No letter-writing. No dwelling. She's not for you.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:25 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Stories of great 19th-century thinkers are full of anecdotes like this, older men marrying the beautiful much younger sisters of friends, and nobody thought less of them for it.

It does, however, make a difference whether she's just about to turn 18, or whether she's like, 13. I honestly see no problem in your wanting to know her better if she's on the brink of majority.
posted by zadcat at 10:27 AM on August 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yeah, this is not about the girl. This is escapism; you've chosen an object only slightly more accessible than a celebrity or fictional character (but rest assured, she is inaccessible).

If you're in grad school, your school probably offers some sort of services that you can take advantage of to deal with your stress levels and help you forge some connections in real life that will replace what you're getting from the imaginary relationship in your head.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:28 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I don't like the letter idea. For one, it seems like scratching the obsessive itch, rather than changing; for another, can you imagine the embarrassment if a friend or girlfriend (or tech support) came across a bunch of letters to an underage girl on your computer? Awkward!

I vote therapy, not so much just for this girl issue, but more generally about obsessions and your overall grad student performance.

Stories of great 19th-century thinkers are full of anecdotes like this, older men marrying the beautiful much younger sisters of friends, and nobody thought less of them for it.

If we still lived in the 19th century, I'd be all for this. We don't, though, and even if she turned 18 tomorrow there's still plenty of baggage to work through here.
posted by Forktine at 10:29 AM on August 11, 2012 [9 favorites]

Are you always completely unable to focus on your work and studies? I'm guessing that there are times when you *are* productive and you do get things done. What conditions are present when you are successful with focusing? Try to replicate those conditions and set yourself up so that you can be successful more often. Set yourself a small goal "I will write 10 paragraphs in the next 20 minutes." When you find yourself slipping, snap a rubber band on your wrist and refocus. At the end of 20 minutes, reward yourself for whatever you are able to accomplish, take a small break, set another goal and start again.

That said - it really seems like you don't actually know this girl well at all. Your feelings are not for or about her. You met her, experienced an attraction, learned of her age, became ashamed. That could happen to anyone. But the way this has taken root in your mind is an indicator of something more, I think. Not with her, but with you.

Maybe you're unable to resolve your embarrassment at being attracted to someone younger. Maybe on some level your unhappy with your life and yet changing course would mean disappointing others and causing general life upheaval - so you pour your emotions and thoughts into this infatuation. Maybe it's something else entirely. Regardless:

See a therapist. And good luck. It's not easy to deal with and it's not an easy thing to acknowledge to others. Writing it out here is a big first step and I wish you well.
posted by bunderful at 10:30 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

When you get feelings that strong about someone you haven't actually spent any time with, there's usually projection coming from inside yourself - you are projecting the image of this perfect partner on someone who for all you actually know may be nothing like these things.
Just try to analyze your feelings, think of the things that you think are perfect about her and figure out where IN YOU you need these things. And try to see where you are assuming things about her personality that again, may be coming from you and your needs and not from her at all.

Once you've done this, separate the real girl from the fantasy girl in your mind. When you think about her, remind yourself that you're thinking about someone who doesn't exist. It's fun to daydream about perfect people who don't exist, and it's common enough to put the face of someone we know on them, but if you keep reminding yourself that this is just a fantasy figure, it will hopefully have less power over you.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:33 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

And yeah, the letters aren't dealing with your feelings, they're just a way for you to scratch the itch. Please don't do that - both because it doesn't seem it will help you and also because of the potential damage if she or anyone else discovered them. Go for a run instead.
posted by bunderful at 10:34 AM on August 11, 2012

I'm worried about you. If you're not eating well, this seems like it might be a mental health emergency. You sound like a thoughtful and conscientious person who really needs some help soon.

From what I know about it, I think that it's important to see a mental health professional to rule OCD out (or get proper treatment for it) before you try anything else.

This sounds like it might be a variant of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I am not a therapist, but I know multiple people who have this particular disorder including a close family member, so I have read about it a lot for a layperson. Some people just have obsessions without compulsive behavior, but the letter writing sounds like it might be compulsive for you. Compulsive behaviors are often performed in order to make obsessive thoughts go away.

It is also somewhat typical for something socially unacceptable or morally repugnant to the OCD sufferer to become the target of an obsession. It absolutely doesn't make you a bad person, AT ALL.

Good luck.
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:37 AM on August 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

One really important question is her exact age. If she's really young then maybe therapy would be the best solution, but if she's about to turn 18 just wait and then ask her out. Either you'll get rejected (and stop obsessing) or get her (and stop obsessing).

Apart from the age thing (which we need more info about), I don't see any big deal here. Men tend date younger women by societal expectation- generally most of the women I go out with are 4-8 years younger than me, and nobody's ever commented on that. I've also had friends give me permission to date their sisters - if you're a nice guy who treats women respectfully, they might even help streamline the courtship process.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 10:46 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

You want a coping mechanism to help control your thoughts? Every time you think of her, visualize her dressed up as a little girl (assuming that doesn't turn you on, which which case disregard). Pigtails, grass-stained jumper, diaper, dirty face. You can train yourself to revile her.
posted by juniperesque at 11:02 AM on August 11, 2012

Heck, even try that old "snap the rubber band on the wrist" trick or something to catch and stop yourself every time your thoughts start going towards her.

This is a variant of a technique called "thought stopping" which has never been definitively shown to work for obsessive thoughts. There are therapeutic techniques that have been shown to help, as have some medications, but this is not one of them, and if I recall correctly it has been shown in some studies to eventually increase the frequency of the obsessive thoughts.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:03 AM on August 11, 2012 [8 favorites]

I think "young rope rider" might be on to something. Before over interpreting these thoughts and ascribing various psycho-dynamics to them it might be worthwhile to treat the thoughts as simple obsessive thoughts. I do not think it is a good idea to engage in any repetitive behavior around the thoughts--no writing, thought stopping, rubber bands, etc. Try giving yourself absolute permission to have the thoughts--you might set aside 15-20 minutes a day to concentrate on the thoughts--during this time "force" yourself to have the thoughts and give yourself permission to experience any associated feeling with the thoughts. Thoughts in them selves are just that--thoughts. The reason for obsessive thoughts is usually that one is trying to avoid them (shame, guilt,fear, sinful, etc). If after several weeks the intensity and frequency of the thoughts are not diminishing you might seek professional help. It is relatively easy to treat through CBT and use of SSRIs can be helpful in reducing the frequency and intensity. If the thoughts have a sexual component (which would be extremely normal) it probably is not a good idea to engage in associated masturbation unless you can also give your self permission to treat these fantasies and masturbation as normal and permissible. I am assuming the young lady is close to the age of majority and is not a preteen. In other words--it is OK to think of "pink elephants" when told not to and they will go away the more you give yourself permission to think of them. Good Luck and don't be hesitant to ask for help if they continue to be troubling.
posted by rmhsinc at 11:03 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think where you're getting hung up is in the transgressive fantasy of doing something you know you're not supposed to do with your friend's sister, while she's too young. Unfortunately there's nothing you can really do to de-eroticize that fantasy, because any attempt to punish yourself for your "bad thoughts" is just going to make the fantasy that much more erotic and compelling to you.

Why don't you just resolve that you'll tell her you love her the day she graduates from college, but not a day before? Focus on the more romantic (and more banal) fantasy of what that relationship would be like when she's an adult, and therefore available to you as an equal partner, and in that way try to steer yourself away from thinking that you might somehow impossibly be with her now. You can't be, so it's not worth thinking about, and continuing to obsess about it in the face of that immutable reality is ultimately a fantasy of self-harm. (The real content of this fantasy is "What if I did something to just blow up my whole life?")

As a side benefit, imagining a real relationship with her half a decade or more away may help you snap into some reality about just how unrealistic this fantasy of love really is.
posted by gerryblog at 11:06 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Once again--young rope rider is on target. Do not try any thought stopping tricks with out professional guidance. The goal is to treat the thoughts as normal, acceptable and the same as any other thought that may occur to us fallible humans. You really do not want to give them a special significance by either rewarding or punishing them. Now compulsive behavior associated with thoughts is another matter and another topic.
posted by rmhsinc at 11:09 AM on August 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

On a slightly different angle, are you having trouble meeting women (or just people) at school?
posted by rhizome at 11:29 AM on August 11, 2012

Learn to shift.

What you're feeling for the girl isn't in the girl. It's within yourself; a reaction, an intensity, an emotional response that's wholly internal.

So learn to elicit that same reaction/intensity/response for your work at hand (or, even better, for whatever you happen to be focusing attention on at any given time). It will actually be easier to do so now, because you have, close at hand (so to speak), an example of what you're shooting for.

Don't get overly stuck on the external trigger. Just learn to ride the stream.
posted by Quisp Lover at 11:39 AM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm wondering why you, a grad student in your late twenties, would think you would have anything in common with a high school girl. It's like two different species, almost. (I understand and in fact know a couple who started out exactly like you and got MARRIED, but hey, as soon as she got a little older and more mature, DIVORCE.)

A question to ask yourself when you go to a therapist (and I think for you you might better) is why you are having difficulty being attracted to your own peer group. Because, hey, there are a lot of women out there, nice looking women with brains and the ability to converse on your level. Why would you want to put yourself on the shelf so long waiting for this girl-who most likely would see someone your age as ew, ancient. (I raised two girls along with their brother and know how they thought about older guys.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:01 PM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Aside from all the issues that others have addressed quite well, I have only this to say:

Do NOT write her any more letters, not even "fake" letters that you don't intend to send. Doing so will create a stronger link to this girl in your head and will prolong your infatuation with her. Any activity that engages the possibility of a romance with her is a bad idea, in the long-run. Try to turn your brain to other things instead.
posted by brina at 12:19 PM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Here's a recent AskMe you may find enlightening.
posted by griphus at 12:22 PM on August 11, 2012

Don't write her. Don't plan to ask her out.

Think about the qualities you find interesting in her and look for them in people more age- and stage-appropriate.

The reason it used to be "cool", as far as society was concerned, for older men to build relationships with really young women was that women in general were infantilized and disempowered by society.

In today's world, a young woman still in high school is thinking about college and/or career, and about dating people in her own age group and her own stage of life; she's not sitting at home doing the flowers and playing the pianoforte like a Jane Austen heroine who's got no life prospects instead of getting married.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:38 PM on August 11, 2012 [6 favorites]

And seriously, if you're this distracted from your life every time you get a crush on someone you don't actually know well, you need some help learning strategies on how to manage feelings of attraction in a more balanced way.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:40 PM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

Well, first, you should seek professional guidance. No letters. None of that. This is obsessive behavior and requires therapy to resolve.

Second, have you actually had extended conversations with her? I'm your age and when I talk with attractive 18, 19, 20-year-olds I'm struck by how different they are from me in terms of maturity, life goals, approach to the world, etc. It's so stark and off-putting it negates any physical attraction I might have to them. High school age? I can't even imagine. Have you spent a lot of time thinking about how that relationship would realistically play out? What, are you going to take her to the prom? Never go to bars for another five years until she's old enough? When she's complaining about what another girl said to her in second period or her gym class teacher you're wondering about wrapping up your degree, getting a job, buying a house. Her friends are getting their driver's licenses. Your friends are building businesses, figuring out retirement plans, taking care of aging parents, starting families. She and her friends need to ask their parents for permission to come home after 10:00pm. You and your friends can conceivably jet off to Africa any time you want. They get excited about the transgressive experience of having a beer. When is the last time you got excited about the experience of having a beer?

It is difficult for me to believe that you've talked with her for more than fifteen minutes, put a lot of thought into how a relationship like this would work, and still retained your ardor. If you haven't, then maybe the solution is to not try to avoid thinking about her but to think long and hard about the actual likelihood of relating to someone of that age group. Like, go find some kids in your area of her age (volunteer at a high school? Talk to a professor's kids?) and decide if they are people that you'd consider viable intellectual and emotional peers and appropriate for long-term friendship. Because this chick is not going to be different from them.

If you have had extended conversations with her, if you are of the impression that she really is more relatable than women your age, then I strongly suggest that this is something you discuss with a therapist because it indicates there are serious social-relational issues going on that are not tied to this girl.
posted by schroedinger at 1:00 PM on August 11, 2012 [16 favorites]

I feel like I should just mention that I have two different relatives who met their husbands under similar circumstances - one of whom is in her late 20s now, one of whom has been married for 45+ years. It's not like you have fallen into infatuation with someone of another species or something. I think a lot of the appeal of this for you might be in its sort of sexy outre nature: let me tell you that it is not that unusual, and you are not some sort of pervert, as a lot of people in this thread are implying (I'm assuming you met her when she was closer to sixteen than twelve, i.e. more womanly than childish). I had a thing awhile back for someone who I thought was inappropriately young for me and a lot of what kept me thinking about it was thinking about what a romantically creepy person I was for having these thoughts. However, you are not romantically creepy. You are totally normal. You're titillated about the idea of a romance that shocks friends, parents, etc. You would be amazed how little this would shock some of the people involved. Wait until she's of age and go for it. Watch as most of the world yawns. Yeah maybe your friend is grossed out that you've been leching on his sister but he'd feel that way if she were two years younger than him, too. She's his little sister.

The couples I know who met this way are very very boring people who lead very very VERY conventional lives. There is nothing inherently transgressive about the feelings you're feeling, and the fact that you believe there is is making this way sexier for you than it ought to be.
posted by town of cats at 2:09 PM on August 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

I disagree, fake letters might work. At least they worked for me in not dissimilar circumstances. Most important need that the OP currently have is very strong urge to tell her. Fake letters will fulfil that urge without creating needless drama. Alternatively the OP could start a diary and describe his feelings. Once again that worked for me.

Writing a fake letter or an entry about my crush in a diary every time permitted myself to move on to other things and stopped the whirlwind of obsessive thoughts. Moreover it stopped obsesive thoughts from appearing in the first place -- every time it came up, I just thought, "I'll write about it in the evening", and moved on.
posted by przepla at 2:34 PM on August 11, 2012

she's in high school, I'm in my late 20's

I think it is very important that the OP provide the exact age of the girl. Would a sexual relationship with her be illegal? I'm going to answer like it would be.

You need some therapy, ASAP. You don't need any hack or special tricks from stangers on the internet, you need professional help to learn how to control your thoughts.

There is some language in your question that I find really disturbing. Especially the following:

I was pretty disgusted with myself. Luckily, I go to school hundreds of miles from her, so I happily can't reasonably pursue this.
>>To me this reads as: so even though you're disgusted with yourself for having this romantic/sexual obsession with this teenager - it is really only the geographic distance that (luckily) prevents your from persuing this?

If she were old enough, or if I wasn't on such incredible terms with her family...
>>This sounds to me like,"well if she was still underage but I don't have a relationship with her family to ruin then I would persue this relationship.

Again, I strongly encourage you to get professional help.
posted by 3T at 4:35 PM on August 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

I want to echo St. Alia of the Bunnies and schroedinger, there are worlds between a teen and an almost 30 yr old. Each and every year means a massive learning experience and change for a teenage girl. It also sounds like you don't know her but the "struck by lightning"-feeling is purely physical attraction. I used to know a guy who serially dated younger girls, girls who were in high school, living with their parents, hardly knew anything about the world. Let's just say he was left behind not only by the girls but also by his peers in a big way.
You say you don't eat well, you can't focus on uni - this are serious issues. Seek help. You are a person of action, you can do something about it by going to therapy!
posted by travelwithcats at 5:10 PM on August 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

This happened to my husband when he was in his early twenties. He met a close friend's sister, thought she was about 18, got interested, and then (fortunately before saying anything to her), found out she was only 14. However, he couldn't shake his thoughts about her. Interestingly, he says it really helped to tell the girl's brother. The brother was totally disgusted, threatened to beat him up if he so much as looked at the girl again, and also told a bunch of his other friends about how ridiculous it was. They were close enough friends that they weren't going to drop him as a friend about something like that, but the joint ridicule and disgust snapped him out of it. Probably in a similar way to how a rejection from the girl has worked for you in the past.

Only you know whether that is an option with your friend circle, but it MIGHT work to tell some people who you know will be harsh and honest.
posted by lollusc at 7:12 PM on August 11, 2012

As you don't say how old she is, I can't comment on that at all.

So, I'll just go with this:

I have major obligations in my life (I'm a grad student), and I need to do well on them

And she's young, and she doesn't have to be concerned with such things. And, if you could be together, neither would you.

Your brain has constructed a fantasy so that you procrastinate because work and obligations and growing up is hard. Far better to spend time fantasising about what-ifs.

But, you know, sometimes your brain can be dumb because by procrastinating on something unachievable, you can wind up doing what you fear - cocking up the things you can actually achieve.

Maybe write out what all of your obligations will get you in the future - what you will achieve and accomplish in your life if you focus on them and write about how each are important to you. Devote that energy you're investing in her in reminding yourself where you really want to go and why you're doing what you're doing.
posted by heyjude at 3:11 AM on August 12, 2012 [3 favorites]

Everyone will have a different opinion on whether they would want someone ten years older then them, someone they've only briefly met, pining obsessively about them so bad it was affecting their work, but have you considered how this would look from her point of view? Personally in high school if I found out someone in their late 20s that knew my family was writing me stacks of love letters I would have been TERRIFIED. You say all you need is a "no thank you", but after all this time is she going to believe that? That would be one hell of a send off to college, moving away from home and being independent for the first time worrying this man you barely know is going to show up.

You don't acknowledge in your question that you have no idea who this person really is, and that alone worries me. Some part of you needs to be aware that your fantasies are an almost 100% creation of yours alone that doesn't exist outside your head. If you need help getting to a place where you see that, the action you should be jumping to is getting that help, not writing letters to a teenager and counting off the days.
posted by Dynex at 9:42 AM on August 12, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm just going to suggest that if you do decide to try writing letters, consider using a code name for her rather than her real name. That way if they are discovered any damage to you is minimalized.

But really, please see a therapist.
posted by bunderful at 2:29 PM on August 12, 2012

Maybe get someone else to write the young ladys rejection letter for you? Get a friend, family member, or even yourself to write it. I'm not a professional anything, but its a thought I had.

Heck, you know how its going to go: Dear Anny, thank you. But no: age, maturity, family friendships, I have my own boyfriend already, I need to focus on school and drivers ed and then college.
posted by Jacen at 6:05 AM on August 13, 2012

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