I want to leave, but I don't know how!
August 6, 2012 12:10 PM Subscribe
I want to move across the country, but I'm scared of change. I didn't used to be. What happened and how do I get over it?
I've lived in my current city for a decade. I've had some good times here, but I've been dreaming of leaving for a long time. Some of my best friends live in another city, a city I love a lot anyway. So, naturally, I want to go there! But I'm scared. I was scared when I left for Current City ten years ago, but I was also young and too dumb to think about the risks. I got by on luck. I kind of wish I could turn off my fear and do it again now that I have a little bit more of a cushion, but it's so hard! I have a career where I am now and perks that come with my seniority here. What if I can't find a job in Other City? What if Other City isn't as great as I thought it was once I actually live there? I've been putting off my relocation decision for three years because of these questions, and I'm disappointed in myself.
Please share with me your experiences of just picking up and leaving. How did you do it? I need encouragement and suggestions for turning off the worrywart in my head.
I've lived in my current city for a decade. I've had some good times here, but I've been dreaming of leaving for a long time. Some of my best friends live in another city, a city I love a lot anyway. So, naturally, I want to go there! But I'm scared. I was scared when I left for Current City ten years ago, but I was also young and too dumb to think about the risks. I got by on luck. I kind of wish I could turn off my fear and do it again now that I have a little bit more of a cushion, but it's so hard! I have a career where I am now and perks that come with my seniority here. What if I can't find a job in Other City? What if Other City isn't as great as I thought it was once I actually live there? I've been putting off my relocation decision for three years because of these questions, and I'm disappointed in myself.
Please share with me your experiences of just picking up and leaving. How did you do it? I need encouragement and suggestions for turning off the worrywart in my head.
I pick up and leave at the drop of a hat, I fantasize about it. But as I age, accumulate more stuff and as my friends move around, I realize that the exhileration I used to feel is just not based in reality.
If you are serious about relocating, do a few things first, this is your due dilligence:
1. Go visit your friends in Other City. See if you still enjoy each other, discuss your potential move with them, get a feeling for where they are. For example, if you're still single, and they're married and starting families, your old running buddies are into a very different territory than you are. The dynamic won't be the same and you'll be sad.
2. See if you can relocate with your current company, if that's not an option. Explore jobs in Other City. Update your resume and get a burner with a cell number in Other City and use a friend's address. (You want to appear to be local.) See if you get an opportunity for a better job. Just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you shouldn't be in the market for a job.
3. Start looking into the logistics of moving. Figure out what you'd take, look at apartments on-line to see if anything looks good. Find out how much it will cost you to move. Map your route from Current City to Other City.
Once you've done these things, you'll have a realistic view of what to expect. No matter what you decide, after the initial excitement wears off, you'll feel disillusioned. It's not like you hoped it would be. You miss things about Current City. That's normal.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:34 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you are serious about relocating, do a few things first, this is your due dilligence:
1. Go visit your friends in Other City. See if you still enjoy each other, discuss your potential move with them, get a feeling for where they are. For example, if you're still single, and they're married and starting families, your old running buddies are into a very different territory than you are. The dynamic won't be the same and you'll be sad.
2. See if you can relocate with your current company, if that's not an option. Explore jobs in Other City. Update your resume and get a burner with a cell number in Other City and use a friend's address. (You want to appear to be local.) See if you get an opportunity for a better job. Just because you're comfortable doesn't mean you shouldn't be in the market for a job.
3. Start looking into the logistics of moving. Figure out what you'd take, look at apartments on-line to see if anything looks good. Find out how much it will cost you to move. Map your route from Current City to Other City.
Once you've done these things, you'll have a realistic view of what to expect. No matter what you decide, after the initial excitement wears off, you'll feel disillusioned. It's not like you hoped it would be. You miss things about Current City. That's normal.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:34 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Do you visit Other City a lot? Ramping up your visits there might be a good place to start, if possible. You'll have more things to look forward to and better familiarity with the city, which will make a move easier.
2nding infini that you may just not want to move. There's a road not taken if you do move, too, you know. I move a lot, and I'm hitting my move limit with the most recent one. Moving and change take a huge amount of energy. You might think about whether there are things you could give up to create enough energy/space in your life to be excited about moving. Get rid of possessions? Ditch a toxic friend?
If you know you want to move but are overwhelmed by it, just make a timeline of tasks to complete, and do them as tasks looking only at the next step and not considering the final outcome. Pretty soon the momentum will carry you.
posted by momus_window at 12:42 PM on August 6, 2012
2nding infini that you may just not want to move. There's a road not taken if you do move, too, you know. I move a lot, and I'm hitting my move limit with the most recent one. Moving and change take a huge amount of energy. You might think about whether there are things you could give up to create enough energy/space in your life to be excited about moving. Get rid of possessions? Ditch a toxic friend?
If you know you want to move but are overwhelmed by it, just make a timeline of tasks to complete, and do them as tasks looking only at the next step and not considering the final outcome. Pretty soon the momentum will carry you.
posted by momus_window at 12:42 PM on August 6, 2012
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
So far, the consensus seems to be "You're probably not thinking about this enough. You should maybe not move" which is what I've already been telling myself for the past three years. I do understand that way of thinking, though, so I don't want it to seem like I don't appreciate the advice given so far! Thank you, really! It's just that I'm asking for encouraging experiences and suggestions this time. Believe me, I've got the reality checks a little too covered on my own! :)posted by cortex (staff) at 1:00 PM on August 6, 2012
In answer to some questions: I do visit my friends in Other City frequently. I moved a few times as a kid and have relocated within my current city a lot as an adult. I've got a lot of reasons for wanting to leave my current city. I'm certain it needs to happen. I just need to make myself do it!
If anyone wants to reach out to me for more info or suggestions, I can be reached at 2scared2move@gmail.com.
I've got a lot of reasons for wanting to leave my current city. I'm certain it needs to happen. I just need to make myself do it!
Start.
1. Tracking OtherCity news and info streams. Especially in your particular field of work. Start getting into the headspace of OtherCity and its current events and what's happening.
2. Looking out for jobs, networking with friends in OtherCity, telling them you're preparing to move and looking for work - ask for connections, exploratory interviews, opportunities to meet/greet.
3. Also, make a definite plan to visit friend in OtherCity within this year (if viable/feasible) - then using those dates, start setting up all the meetings and events mentioned above. Or, plan a visit around some big jobfair/event/tradeshow/whateveritisinyourfield
4. Meantime, start culling stuff and thinking of it as a "preparing for a move" - that is, begin the process of pulling up roots (10 years!!) and pulling back from commitments beyond a certain point of time and starting to become vague if there is any plan beyond a certain timeline (could be after 2012)
5. The above will begin to release your roots until you're metaphorically closer to being a hot air balloon with an anchor, just waiting for the green light.
6. At some point soon after all the above has been initiated - that is, in your mind you're beginning to think like Future Resident of OtherCity just here for the moment rather than Long Established Rooted Resident of CurrentCity - you'll want to set a definite date to move. Regardless of job in hand or not, if its truly what you want to do.
7. Once date is set, even if its 6 months in the future, you'll begin the preparation adn planning and packing and clearing and logistics towards it. At this point, the snowball has rolled over the top of the hill and its rarely possible to shove it back up again :)
posted by infini at 1:21 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Start.
1. Tracking OtherCity news and info streams. Especially in your particular field of work. Start getting into the headspace of OtherCity and its current events and what's happening.
2. Looking out for jobs, networking with friends in OtherCity, telling them you're preparing to move and looking for work - ask for connections, exploratory interviews, opportunities to meet/greet.
3. Also, make a definite plan to visit friend in OtherCity within this year (if viable/feasible) - then using those dates, start setting up all the meetings and events mentioned above. Or, plan a visit around some big jobfair/event/tradeshow/whateveritisinyourfield
4. Meantime, start culling stuff and thinking of it as a "preparing for a move" - that is, begin the process of pulling up roots (10 years!!) and pulling back from commitments beyond a certain point of time and starting to become vague if there is any plan beyond a certain timeline (could be after 2012)
5. The above will begin to release your roots until you're metaphorically closer to being a hot air balloon with an anchor, just waiting for the green light.
6. At some point soon after all the above has been initiated - that is, in your mind you're beginning to think like Future Resident of OtherCity just here for the moment rather than Long Established Rooted Resident of CurrentCity - you'll want to set a definite date to move. Regardless of job in hand or not, if its truly what you want to do.
7. Once date is set, even if its 6 months in the future, you'll begin the preparation adn planning and packing and clearing and logistics towards it. At this point, the snowball has rolled over the top of the hill and its rarely possible to shove it back up again :)
posted by infini at 1:21 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I went through exactly this situation. I'd lived in NYC for almost a decade after college, and loved many things about it, but was feeling rather stuck in some ways I wanted to change. Like you, I was very scared to make those changes, but ultimately I realized that if I didn't take steps to change things, I'd wake up five, ten, twenty years in the future still stuck in the same ways and frustrated that I'd let it go on so long without at least seeing what it might be like to make those changes.
At that point (exactly twelve years ago this week!) I moved to San Francisco. I kept my apartment in NYC and sublet it to a friend, in case I decided it was all a horrible mistake and needed to move back. After a few years, I gave up the NYC apartment and have loved living in SF, even though there are many things I still miss about the East Coast and NY specifically.
Did the move solve all of my issues? Nope, not at all. But it reinforced for me that I was capable of making change, and for me, the fear that I was incapable of change was bigger than the fear of change itself. I think there are basically two options in life - be stuck in one place or move forward. For me, moving forward is always the right choice, even when it is terrifying. You've been thinking about this for three years - it's not an impulse move. That said, there are probably other ways to get unstuck if you don't want to leave your current city, and you might explore those options as well. Best of luck.
posted by judith at 1:25 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
At that point (exactly twelve years ago this week!) I moved to San Francisco. I kept my apartment in NYC and sublet it to a friend, in case I decided it was all a horrible mistake and needed to move back. After a few years, I gave up the NYC apartment and have loved living in SF, even though there are many things I still miss about the East Coast and NY specifically.
Did the move solve all of my issues? Nope, not at all. But it reinforced for me that I was capable of making change, and for me, the fear that I was incapable of change was bigger than the fear of change itself. I think there are basically two options in life - be stuck in one place or move forward. For me, moving forward is always the right choice, even when it is terrifying. You've been thinking about this for three years - it's not an impulse move. That said, there are probably other ways to get unstuck if you don't want to leave your current city, and you might explore those options as well. Best of luck.
posted by judith at 1:25 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've lived in my current city for 5 years and change, which is the longest I've ever lived anywhere, so take whatever I have to say about picking up and moving with a grain of salt.
Having said that, I have done the spontaneous 'move across the country with nothing but what will fit in my car', I've given away all my possessions and started over, I've packed up my life into U-Hauls and hired professional movers and sometimes moved across town just for some fresh walls to look at.
I suppose I'm just a restless spirit by nature, but as I get older I want to settle in more and more. The problem is that I know for sure I don't want to settle in where I am right now. I've never been unhappier with a place in my life, to be honest. So I'm making a plan to move back to the northeast (preferably NYC, but the job market will dictate where I land) where I grew up within the next two years.
I'm a mid-level manager in my profession so I've got some marketable skills. It's still a tough market and I'm absolutely scared I won't find a job when I get there. But that's where a lot of my friends are and I have some family up that way, so I know I have a safety net. I also know that if I don't do it I will be miserable staying here.
So I guess my advice to you is to ask yourself this: "Do the risks of making the move outweigh the comforts I have in my current situation?" If the answer is yes, then maybe you should stay put a while longer. If, however, like myself, you know you'll be happier taking the gamble, then you should do it. It's only going to get harder as we get older, so you might as well take the chance now.
posted by carolinecrane at 1:27 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
Having said that, I have done the spontaneous 'move across the country with nothing but what will fit in my car', I've given away all my possessions and started over, I've packed up my life into U-Hauls and hired professional movers and sometimes moved across town just for some fresh walls to look at.
I suppose I'm just a restless spirit by nature, but as I get older I want to settle in more and more. The problem is that I know for sure I don't want to settle in where I am right now. I've never been unhappier with a place in my life, to be honest. So I'm making a plan to move back to the northeast (preferably NYC, but the job market will dictate where I land) where I grew up within the next two years.
I'm a mid-level manager in my profession so I've got some marketable skills. It's still a tough market and I'm absolutely scared I won't find a job when I get there. But that's where a lot of my friends are and I have some family up that way, so I know I have a safety net. I also know that if I don't do it I will be miserable staying here.
So I guess my advice to you is to ask yourself this: "Do the risks of making the move outweigh the comforts I have in my current situation?" If the answer is yes, then maybe you should stay put a while longer. If, however, like myself, you know you'll be happier taking the gamble, then you should do it. It's only going to get harder as we get older, so you might as well take the chance now.
posted by carolinecrane at 1:27 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
So far, the consensus seems to be "You're probably not thinking about this enough. You should maybe not move"
That is not the consensus of opinions that I read. You've got some confirmation bias going there.
I've moved across country a few times and it has it's moments of exhilaration and annoyance. However, if you aren't happy where you are and think you'd be happier somewhere else why are sitting on your butt ruminating? Get going.
That means you start DOING the thing people have mentioned. Start visiting the other city. Get your resume up to date. Join some professional associations in the new city. Start culling your possessions in preparation for the move.
The key is doing - not thinking - doing.
posted by 26.2 at 1:32 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
That is not the consensus of opinions that I read. You've got some confirmation bias going there.
I've moved across country a few times and it has it's moments of exhilaration and annoyance. However, if you aren't happy where you are and think you'd be happier somewhere else why are sitting on your butt ruminating? Get going.
That means you start DOING the thing people have mentioned. Start visiting the other city. Get your resume up to date. Join some professional associations in the new city. Start culling your possessions in preparation for the move.
The key is doing - not thinking - doing.
posted by 26.2 at 1:32 PM on August 6, 2012 [2 favorites]
carolinecrane and I have a lot in common.
In 1989, right after the earthquake, I left San Francisco. My friend Donna and I put most of our stuff in storage, and took with us, everything we could cram into our cars, and moved to Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She got a job right away, it took me about 6 months doing minimum wage stuff for me to find a job with the Phone Company.
We shared a 1 bedroom apartment. Since we didn't have furniture one slept in the bedroom the other in the living room. Worked out great. She met a guy moved in with him. I bought a condo.
I made new friends and really enjoyed my life.
After about 7 years, I got antsy and relocated to Pittsburgh for a job. That wasn't so great, I stayed up there about a year, and then moved back to Florida, back into my Condo.
Then I bought a house. It was beautiful, on a lake, in a great neighborhood. I lived there for a couple of years, then met Husbunny on the interwebs, he moved down.
I had given up the phone company work and went to work as a high school teacher. It was horrible, and I would have done ANYTHING to get out of it. I was offered a job with the phone company, but it was in Nashville. So we sold the house for a profit and moved to Nashville.
We were there a bit over a year, and I was offered a job in Atlanta, Husbunny wanted to go back to school to change careers, so again, we moved.
Been here in Atlanta for about 7 years. Not my favorite place to live, but it's hard to know where to go next.
We're underwater in our house, so we can't sell it. We both have respectible jobs. The people we knew in Florida have moved elsewhere, California is too expensive and the rest of the rolling stones in my family have moved to Dallas, which, no. I just can't. Not Texas.
The dream is to go to B.C. But the planets all have to align in order for that to happen. Husbunny has interests here. His widowed mother is a 5 hour car trip away. We have cats. We have friends. So I think the plan is to learn to love it.
Your plan will be different. But I think once you HAVE a plan, the rest will fall into place.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:55 PM on August 6, 2012
In 1989, right after the earthquake, I left San Francisco. My friend Donna and I put most of our stuff in storage, and took with us, everything we could cram into our cars, and moved to Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She got a job right away, it took me about 6 months doing minimum wage stuff for me to find a job with the Phone Company.
We shared a 1 bedroom apartment. Since we didn't have furniture one slept in the bedroom the other in the living room. Worked out great. She met a guy moved in with him. I bought a condo.
I made new friends and really enjoyed my life.
After about 7 years, I got antsy and relocated to Pittsburgh for a job. That wasn't so great, I stayed up there about a year, and then moved back to Florida, back into my Condo.
Then I bought a house. It was beautiful, on a lake, in a great neighborhood. I lived there for a couple of years, then met Husbunny on the interwebs, he moved down.
I had given up the phone company work and went to work as a high school teacher. It was horrible, and I would have done ANYTHING to get out of it. I was offered a job with the phone company, but it was in Nashville. So we sold the house for a profit and moved to Nashville.
We were there a bit over a year, and I was offered a job in Atlanta, Husbunny wanted to go back to school to change careers, so again, we moved.
Been here in Atlanta for about 7 years. Not my favorite place to live, but it's hard to know where to go next.
We're underwater in our house, so we can't sell it. We both have respectible jobs. The people we knew in Florida have moved elsewhere, California is too expensive and the rest of the rolling stones in my family have moved to Dallas, which, no. I just can't. Not Texas.
The dream is to go to B.C. But the planets all have to align in order for that to happen. Husbunny has interests here. His widowed mother is a 5 hour car trip away. We have cats. We have friends. So I think the plan is to learn to love it.
Your plan will be different. But I think once you HAVE a plan, the rest will fall into place.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:55 PM on August 6, 2012
Take it in stages.
Start job hunting in new city. Preplan several trips to new city, which you can use for exploration and for interviews.
Start culling your belongings in old city, the things you know you won't want to bring with you to new city.
Meanwhile rent a storage unit in new city. They're cheap. Every time you go visit new city, ship some things you know you want to keep but won't need during the transition period to a friend in new city, and pack an extra bag or two for the flight. Leave the stuff in the storage unit.
Start watching real estate in new city. Pick out a neighborhood. Explore the neighborhood. Keep an eye on apartment or house listings.
At some point in this gradual process, one of the following will have happened: you'll find a job or the Perfect Place To Live in new city, which will force you to go through the rest of the transition quickly. Or you will one day look up and realize you're mentally, if not physically, spending more time in new city than you are in old city, and are effectively already moved. Or you will fall out of love with new city, which is perfectly okay.
posted by ook at 2:00 PM on August 6, 2012
Start job hunting in new city. Preplan several trips to new city, which you can use for exploration and for interviews.
Start culling your belongings in old city, the things you know you won't want to bring with you to new city.
Meanwhile rent a storage unit in new city. They're cheap. Every time you go visit new city, ship some things you know you want to keep but won't need during the transition period to a friend in new city, and pack an extra bag or two for the flight. Leave the stuff in the storage unit.
Start watching real estate in new city. Pick out a neighborhood. Explore the neighborhood. Keep an eye on apartment or house listings.
At some point in this gradual process, one of the following will have happened: you'll find a job or the Perfect Place To Live in new city, which will force you to go through the rest of the transition quickly. Or you will one day look up and realize you're mentally, if not physically, spending more time in new city than you are in old city, and are effectively already moved. Or you will fall out of love with new city, which is perfectly okay.
posted by ook at 2:00 PM on August 6, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I've lived in 14 major cities and 4 continents in a space of 4 decades. I'm tired of moving and hate change where just 3 years ago I had my exuberance and anticipatory excitement. I'd like to ask you, if you will, to share if you grew up moving a lot or experiencing a lot of change before answering further.
posted by infini at 12:19 PM on August 6, 2012