Leaving to work abroad. Will a LDR work?
July 31, 2012 9:18 PM Subscribe
I'm leaving the country soon to work abroad. Will a LDR work?
I'm a gay man in my late twenties. For the past 5 years I was involved with several emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and oftentimes emotionally abusive men which led to drama filled relationships that were draining, I lost my sense of self, and my life was turned upside down. During that time I went through intensive therapy, did a lot of introspection to analyze my behaviors and patterns in my childhood that I acted out in my adult relationships, and worked towards becoming an emotionally healthy person. It was a lot of hard work, but I think I made some great progress and I'm ready for a serious, long-term relationship. I haven't dated anyone seriously in about 2 years.
Two months ago, I met a recent college graduate. We are similar Myers-Briggs type (INTP). We've been dating non-exclusively (to my best knowledge), we enjoy solitary pursuits, have similar interests etc. Unfortunately, before we met I made the decision to relocate out of the United States for at least 1 year for work. Prior to this, I relocated 6 times in the past two years and I am getting exhausted from finding new friends and dates in every new location. If we had been dating for a little bit longer, I probably would skip the job abroad and find something local because I'd like to settle down.
Currently, there are many good signs of a potential for healthy, long-term relationship and this is a great change in pace from my previous dating history. We've traveled together, worked through a difficult conflict, and enjoy each others company. However, there have been some red flags: he mentions that others have criticized him for being cold, emotionless, and distant. He claims it's based on how he related to his parents and that there might be something wrong with him in order to have a romantic relationship. Also, given his age I'm concerned that he should be free to play the field, date around, and gain more life experience before settling into a relationship.
We've discussed all of these issues, but I am at a loss as how to deal with the issue of moving away and considering dating long-distance. We've talked about the idea of traveling to see each other on a semi-regular basis, and he is supportive regarding my job abroad. My emotions are saying to give it a shot, but reason is saying to enjoy the remaining time we have together and suggest we put everything on hold and be friends. I see a lot of potential here, but I don't want to be too pushy and desperate to force something that hasn't matured enough to survive long-distance and ask him to commit to continuing our dating relationship through emails and expensive flights. I'd counter that if I were in his position I would make the commitment to make things work (because I'm ready to commit to a serious LTR at this stage of my life), but I just don't think he's there yet.
Of course, the best approach is to have a discussion about this. But I want to approach the situation knowing what my goals are, while not pushing things too fast and appearing desperate for a relationship.
I'm a gay man in my late twenties. For the past 5 years I was involved with several emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, and oftentimes emotionally abusive men which led to drama filled relationships that were draining, I lost my sense of self, and my life was turned upside down. During that time I went through intensive therapy, did a lot of introspection to analyze my behaviors and patterns in my childhood that I acted out in my adult relationships, and worked towards becoming an emotionally healthy person. It was a lot of hard work, but I think I made some great progress and I'm ready for a serious, long-term relationship. I haven't dated anyone seriously in about 2 years.
Two months ago, I met a recent college graduate. We are similar Myers-Briggs type (INTP). We've been dating non-exclusively (to my best knowledge), we enjoy solitary pursuits, have similar interests etc. Unfortunately, before we met I made the decision to relocate out of the United States for at least 1 year for work. Prior to this, I relocated 6 times in the past two years and I am getting exhausted from finding new friends and dates in every new location. If we had been dating for a little bit longer, I probably would skip the job abroad and find something local because I'd like to settle down.
Currently, there are many good signs of a potential for healthy, long-term relationship and this is a great change in pace from my previous dating history. We've traveled together, worked through a difficult conflict, and enjoy each others company. However, there have been some red flags: he mentions that others have criticized him for being cold, emotionless, and distant. He claims it's based on how he related to his parents and that there might be something wrong with him in order to have a romantic relationship. Also, given his age I'm concerned that he should be free to play the field, date around, and gain more life experience before settling into a relationship.
We've discussed all of these issues, but I am at a loss as how to deal with the issue of moving away and considering dating long-distance. We've talked about the idea of traveling to see each other on a semi-regular basis, and he is supportive regarding my job abroad. My emotions are saying to give it a shot, but reason is saying to enjoy the remaining time we have together and suggest we put everything on hold and be friends. I see a lot of potential here, but I don't want to be too pushy and desperate to force something that hasn't matured enough to survive long-distance and ask him to commit to continuing our dating relationship through emails and expensive flights. I'd counter that if I were in his position I would make the commitment to make things work (because I'm ready to commit to a serious LTR at this stage of my life), but I just don't think he's there yet.
Of course, the best approach is to have a discussion about this. But I want to approach the situation knowing what my goals are, while not pushing things too fast and appearing desperate for a relationship.
One thought:
Not everyone is the "play the field" type. I got married at age 19 (I happen to be a female who lives a heterosexual lifestyle, if it matters to you). I had a string of relationships during my divorce, but that was partly due to being doped to the gills on prescription medication. I got myself healthier, got off all the meds and stopped seeing anyone. When I am "clean and sober", I am very Not the "play the field" type. For me, that isn't an age thing. That's just how I am.
So are you sure your younger love interest even wants that? Shouldn't that be his decision to make for himself? Not that it answers your question, but I know from firsthand experience that I get pretty offended when older men want to make decisions of that sort for me merely because I happen to be younger.
So maybe you need to ask him how he feels about such things?
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:51 PM on July 31, 2012
Not everyone is the "play the field" type. I got married at age 19 (I happen to be a female who lives a heterosexual lifestyle, if it matters to you). I had a string of relationships during my divorce, but that was partly due to being doped to the gills on prescription medication. I got myself healthier, got off all the meds and stopped seeing anyone. When I am "clean and sober", I am very Not the "play the field" type. For me, that isn't an age thing. That's just how I am.
So are you sure your younger love interest even wants that? Shouldn't that be his decision to make for himself? Not that it answers your question, but I know from firsthand experience that I get pretty offended when older men want to make decisions of that sort for me merely because I happen to be younger.
So maybe you need to ask him how he feels about such things?
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 9:51 PM on July 31, 2012
No one can give you a guarantee as to whether it will work or not, it basically depends on how much you both want it and are committed to it. The fact that he's open to traveling to visit is a good start, I assume you would do the same.
FWIW, I started a LDR having only been dating the guy for a month, I moved cross country thinking it was over, we kept in touch, kept talking and sporadically visiting, got engaged after a year, I moved to be with him 6 months after that, then got married. It's now been almost 7 years and we have a baby. Yay! So it can work, but I recommend having an end date in sight where you know you'll be together so there's light at the end of the tunnel. Plan to Skype or phone a lot (we would text/talk up to 5 times a day even though I hate the phone) because without it there kind of isn't a relationship. It's not the same but better than nothing.
One last thing, finally being together made me realise how much we still didn't know each other because phone conversations just don't replace real life interaction. There was a lot of new discoveries, good and bad. So prepare for that.
Basically give it a shot, a lot of people will tell you you're crazy to do it for a guy you've only just started seeing and chances are it won't work... But just sometimes it does.
posted by Jubey at 9:52 PM on July 31, 2012
FWIW, I started a LDR having only been dating the guy for a month, I moved cross country thinking it was over, we kept in touch, kept talking and sporadically visiting, got engaged after a year, I moved to be with him 6 months after that, then got married. It's now been almost 7 years and we have a baby. Yay! So it can work, but I recommend having an end date in sight where you know you'll be together so there's light at the end of the tunnel. Plan to Skype or phone a lot (we would text/talk up to 5 times a day even though I hate the phone) because without it there kind of isn't a relationship. It's not the same but better than nothing.
One last thing, finally being together made me realise how much we still didn't know each other because phone conversations just don't replace real life interaction. There was a lot of new discoveries, good and bad. So prepare for that.
Basically give it a shot, a lot of people will tell you you're crazy to do it for a guy you've only just started seeing and chances are it won't work... But just sometimes it does.
posted by Jubey at 9:52 PM on July 31, 2012
Based on everyone I've met who's tried this, the answer is probably no. The only people I've seen it work for are people who were really committed to a specific end point where they would be back together, and who saw eye to eye about how that would specifically happen.
In other words, like, "in six months, I will come live in your country and do X so as to be able to legally live/work there." If you can't do that, it probably doesn't have much potential. And I've seen international LDR's fail even with those conditions in place.
posted by Sara C. at 10:00 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
In other words, like, "in six months, I will come live in your country and do X so as to be able to legally live/work there." If you can't do that, it probably doesn't have much potential. And I've seen international LDR's fail even with those conditions in place.
posted by Sara C. at 10:00 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like it's a good idea to try, at least as partners.
It might be a good idea to stay friends and keep in touch, and maybe see where things stand when you get back to the area.
But there's a good reason on each end of this relationship to not try to make it a "thing" while you're gone.
1) The standard MeFi line about "Believe things that people tell you about themselves". Him self-describing as cold and distant does not necessarily bode well for a relationship in general, and for one lacking an in-person component, doubly so.
2) If you're tied to someone back home, it will impede your ability to settle in to your life abroad and really be present there, especially if you're tweaking your hours to be in touch on skype/phone.
3) Situationally... you don't even know how long you're going to be gone. LDRs with no "end" date are twice as stressful, because when the distance hurts, there's no end to the hurt in sight.
I keep coming back to the line about you wanting to stop moving so much, and how you might skip moving abroad if you'd been together longer, but I'm not sure what to make of it. Try to separate the issue of dating this guy long-term from the issue of moving abroad, and make your peace with each individually.
posted by itesser at 10:31 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
It might be a good idea to stay friends and keep in touch, and maybe see where things stand when you get back to the area.
But there's a good reason on each end of this relationship to not try to make it a "thing" while you're gone.
1) The standard MeFi line about "Believe things that people tell you about themselves". Him self-describing as cold and distant does not necessarily bode well for a relationship in general, and for one lacking an in-person component, doubly so.
2) If you're tied to someone back home, it will impede your ability to settle in to your life abroad and really be present there, especially if you're tweaking your hours to be in touch on skype/phone.
3) Situationally... you don't even know how long you're going to be gone. LDRs with no "end" date are twice as stressful, because when the distance hurts, there's no end to the hurt in sight.
I keep coming back to the line about you wanting to stop moving so much, and how you might skip moving abroad if you'd been together longer, but I'm not sure what to make of it. Try to separate the issue of dating this guy long-term from the issue of moving abroad, and make your peace with each individually.
posted by itesser at 10:31 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]
I started a relationship about two months before an international move. When I left, we decided it was over and that we would be friends. We then proceeded to email every day for the next 8 months, while dating other people (not very much, as it turned out) until my new work visa cleared and I moved back.
I'm curious whether you made a particular effort to be matter-of-fact in your question? I agree with showbiz_liz that you don't sound passionate about this guy. If you aren't, then absolutely leave and get on with your life.
If you are passionate about him, though, my advice is still break up for now. Your move may be relatively short-term (1 year) but it's still a reasonable length of time. Being in a full-on LDR is too intense for something that just started two months ago and isn't even exclusive yet. If you stay in contact as friends, and the potential you see now is really there, it will develop in spite of the distance and you can proceed from there. On the other hand, if it doesn't work out, you won't wind up regretting that you chose the man over the move.
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:58 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm curious whether you made a particular effort to be matter-of-fact in your question? I agree with showbiz_liz that you don't sound passionate about this guy. If you aren't, then absolutely leave and get on with your life.
If you are passionate about him, though, my advice is still break up for now. Your move may be relatively short-term (1 year) but it's still a reasonable length of time. Being in a full-on LDR is too intense for something that just started two months ago and isn't even exclusive yet. If you stay in contact as friends, and the potential you see now is really there, it will develop in spite of the distance and you can proceed from there. On the other hand, if it doesn't work out, you won't wind up regretting that you chose the man over the move.
posted by snorkmaiden at 10:58 PM on July 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sounds like it would suck. I vote no. Or rather, I vote "get out early rather than late."
posted by oceanjesse at 11:21 PM on July 31, 2012
posted by oceanjesse at 11:21 PM on July 31, 2012
Why not have an open relationship, with each of you given the freedom to date whom you will while you are out of the country. Nothing says you have to ditch your boyfriend. You can each visit each other, skype, etc. If he has wild oats to sow, he can. If you find other interesting people, you can date them and see where it goes.
This will only work if you're both flexible enough and not jealous. If your relationship gets more serious, neither of you will be interested in dating others, and after the first year, you can decide how to proceed. If you find that once you're mixing and mingling with others that the original relationship isn't for you, move forward in that respect.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:51 AM on August 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
This will only work if you're both flexible enough and not jealous. If your relationship gets more serious, neither of you will be interested in dating others, and after the first year, you can decide how to proceed. If you find that once you're mixing and mingling with others that the original relationship isn't for you, move forward in that respect.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:51 AM on August 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's only been two months and you're not even dating exclusively. This isn't a good basis for starting an LDR. This is all the more so because:
posted by J. Wilson at 5:52 AM on August 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
- All of these red flags about him involve him telling you he's not a good partner or looking for a romantic relationship; and
- You sound like you're so relieved to be finally dating someone who isn't an asshat that you don't want to let it go, rather than being in love with this guy in particular.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:52 AM on August 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Two months in a non-exclusive dating relationship with red flags on one side and settling on the other and a difficult (but resolved) conflict in between does not sound like it would equal a successful LDR. I'd suggest that when you talk to him, you broach the idea of continuing to date non-exclusive but were I him, I'd be hesitant to commit to a LDR under these circumstances... and I'm around your age.
posted by sm1tten at 9:39 AM on August 1, 2012
posted by sm1tten at 9:39 AM on August 1, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, were I you, I'd let this one go, leaving it open that you might get back together if you're both single when you get back home. You'll have a much better experience that way, and it doesn't sound like you'd be sacrificing an epic romance in order to do so.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:37 PM on July 31, 2012 [3 favorites]