Children's hand me downs - yay or no thanks?
July 28, 2012 1:12 PM Subscribe
I would like to offer some of the nicer hand-me-downs from my daughter's collection of clothes and toys to a friend in my department who has a daughter a few years younger. She and her husband are both Korean, and I want to make sure there is not a cultural issue that makes used things somehow weird or icky.
I plan to offer them -- she is certainly welcome to say "no" (I'm not going to drop off a huge pile of stuff unannounced ;) ). But my concern is that they just might be too polite to say "Eeek! No!" if this is weird for them.
To clarify -- these are the nicer dresses and toys that I thought she might appreciate before I drop off a bulk load of usual stuff at the Goodwill.
I, my friend, and her husband are all doctoral students, so we all know about being frugal, so that isn't really the issue. I just don't want to inadvertently cross any cultural taboos. So, is there anything I should know about Korean culture and the offering of hand-me down children's clothes? Thanks.
I plan to offer them -- she is certainly welcome to say "no" (I'm not going to drop off a huge pile of stuff unannounced ;) ). But my concern is that they just might be too polite to say "Eeek! No!" if this is weird for them.
To clarify -- these are the nicer dresses and toys that I thought she might appreciate before I drop off a bulk load of usual stuff at the Goodwill.
I, my friend, and her husband are all doctoral students, so we all know about being frugal, so that isn't really the issue. I just don't want to inadvertently cross any cultural taboos. So, is there anything I should know about Korean culture and the offering of hand-me down children's clothes? Thanks.
Best answer: Personally I am not aware of any Korean cultural issues regarding used things, but personal attitudes differ. In my own family we got hand-me-downs from other relatives growing up, and one of my sisters-in-law regularly exchanges children's used clothing and toys with her sisters. But another sister-in-law is just not into second-hand items. In my experience second-hand clothing and toys were never received from outside the (extended) family.
I can't see any harm in offering. My feeling is that your friend is far more likely to politely decline than politely accept if she is not want the items.
posted by needled at 1:40 PM on July 28, 2012
I can't see any harm in offering. My feeling is that your friend is far more likely to politely decline than politely accept if she is not want the items.
posted by needled at 1:40 PM on July 28, 2012
Yeah, I'd (quietly, privately) ask the lady first: leaving aside the Korean/American cultural intersection, it's just way too easy to inadvertantly offend both her and her husband.
Perhaps instead of directly passing these outgrown clothes and toys to your friend, you could get a group of parents --- say at least half a dozen or more --- together and exchange with each other; any leftovers can go to Goodwill. That way it would take out the possibility of inadvertantly implying they are unable to provide well for their daughter, by making it an "all us parents are in this together!" combination adult tea party and kids' play date.
posted by easily confused at 1:47 PM on July 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
Perhaps instead of directly passing these outgrown clothes and toys to your friend, you could get a group of parents --- say at least half a dozen or more --- together and exchange with each other; any leftovers can go to Goodwill. That way it would take out the possibility of inadvertantly implying they are unable to provide well for their daughter, by making it an "all us parents are in this together!" combination adult tea party and kids' play date.
posted by easily confused at 1:47 PM on July 28, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't think you should. I'd be insulted unless you were my family member.
posted by discopolo at 1:58 PM on July 28, 2012
posted by discopolo at 1:58 PM on July 28, 2012
Errr... "heard you're having a girl" would be more like... "I thought you might want them for Beverly."
I think that this also depends upon the nature of your relationship.
posted by k8t at 1:58 PM on July 28, 2012
I think that this also depends upon the nature of your relationship.
posted by k8t at 1:58 PM on July 28, 2012
Can those who imply this would be insulting clarify whether they have kids or not? I regularly exchange outgrown clothing with friends and it never occurred to me that anyone might find this insulting.
posted by bq at 2:15 PM on July 28, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by bq at 2:15 PM on July 28, 2012 [8 favorites]
I had a Korean friend in elementary school and it was never an issue to give toys to her younger sister, culturally. Her parents were very traditional and certainly would have stopped me from giving (expensive) toys to her siblings. There was no politeness problem involved since I was 7 or 8 and it would have been easy to tell my parents to stop this.
However, this was my best friend's sister who was notoriously envious of each and every toy that wasn't hers. So I never gave her anything unasked. I'd say just forget about cultural differences and just handle the situation as you would with friends of any other heritage.
posted by MinusCelsius at 2:18 PM on July 28, 2012
However, this was my best friend's sister who was notoriously envious of each and every toy that wasn't hers. So I never gave her anything unasked. I'd say just forget about cultural differences and just handle the situation as you would with friends of any other heritage.
posted by MinusCelsius at 2:18 PM on July 28, 2012
My parents and their friends had no qualms about sharing hand-me-down children's clothing--so much of it is gently worn because they grow out of it so quickly that it makes sense to pass it around. Then again, we were just frugal German/Scots-Irish.
You could let her know that you had a lot of nice girls' clothes and some toys in really good condition that your daughter has outgrown, see if she's interested, and invite her and her daughter over to choose what they would like. Might be fun for the little girl, too.
posted by tully_monster at 2:21 PM on July 28, 2012
You could let her know that you had a lot of nice girls' clothes and some toys in really good condition that your daughter has outgrown, see if she's interested, and invite her and her daughter over to choose what they would like. Might be fun for the little girl, too.
posted by tully_monster at 2:21 PM on July 28, 2012
invite her and her daughter over to choose what they would like.
Super awkward.
I would go with "I wondered if you might like any of these for Beverley, or might like to pass them to another little girl who would enjoy them. I'm so sad Sarah has outgrown them, there are some lovely things." She can do whatever with them in privacy then.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:55 PM on July 28, 2012 [5 favorites]
Super awkward.
I would go with "I wondered if you might like any of these for Beverley, or might like to pass them to another little girl who would enjoy them. I'm so sad Sarah has outgrown them, there are some lovely things." She can do whatever with them in privacy then.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:55 PM on July 28, 2012 [5 favorites]
Most Korean immigrants I've know have love free used stuff. My relatives (who are Korean) enjoyed both giving and receiving old kids' clothes and toys. (Some very valuable Transformers of mine were lost this way, in fact.) Sometimes they got things they couldn't use and just tossed them. It was still appreciated and wasn't a big deal.
Every person is different, of course.
posted by ignignokt at 3:04 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Every person is different, of course.
posted by ignignokt at 3:04 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm Indian and grew up in the US. My mom didn't believe in hand me downs from outside the family, especially not clothes. My niece might have hand me down toys (only from her cousins), but not clothes.
Just give them to Goodwill.
posted by discopolo at 3:24 PM on July 28, 2012
Just give them to Goodwill.
posted by discopolo at 3:24 PM on July 28, 2012
I think it depends on how old the kids are, as well. Once, when I was 13 or 14, my mom came home with a box full of "hand-me-downs" from a coworker's daughter. It was weird and made me feel like this girl I didn't even know probably knew that my mom was too poor to buy me clothes.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 3:27 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by easy, lucky, free at 3:27 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Update from Korean grad student Mommy friend who said hand-me-downs from friends are totally okay especially if they're in nice condition. She got tons herself.
posted by k8t at 4:29 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by k8t at 4:29 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My parents immigrated to the United States from Korea, and if there's one thing they absolutely loved when we were growing up in the United States is when people gave them hand-me-downs for me and my sister to wear. HOLY MOLY. I don't know how third generation and beyond would handle this situation, but since you mentioned they were Korean I'm going to assume they're immigrants as well.
The best way to bring up your extra clothes to her is to tell her that you have some really pretty clothes that your daughter can't wear anymore that look to be about her daughters size, and ask her if she would like to take them.
Don't tell her to pick what she wants, just give them all to her. "Pick what you like and leave the rest" is a freaking TRAP to Koreans, example of things my Mom has encountered:
The only time someone in Korean culture would typically be insulted by this is if they're super duper rich, in which case they'll see it as you looking down on them. Regular folk value frugality!
posted by french films about trains at 5:15 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
The best way to bring up your extra clothes to her is to tell her that you have some really pretty clothes that your daughter can't wear anymore that look to be about her daughters size, and ask her if she would like to take them.
Don't tell her to pick what she wants, just give them all to her. "Pick what you like and leave the rest" is a freaking TRAP to Koreans, example of things my Mom has encountered:
- older Korean relative:"ohh I have some extra clothes for Suzy Q, you can pick what you like to give to her"
- unsuspecting Korean mom: "Wow, thank you! I'll take these."
- older Korean relative:"Why didn't you take these? They're perfectly good clothes. YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THESE?? THESE CLOTHES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH!!???"
- unsuspecting Korean mom: "No! Uh I mean.. um.."
The only time someone in Korean culture would typically be insulted by this is if they're super duper rich, in which case they'll see it as you looking down on them. Regular folk value frugality!
posted by french films about trains at 5:15 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
As a more modern data point: My sister's boss is Korean. We live in California. The year is 2012. The boss will sometimes mention to her that she has some really nice tops and dresses that she doesn't wear, and asks my sister if she'd like to take them. My sister accepts, picks out the things she likes, gives away the rest.
It's totally normal for Koreans.
posted by french films about trains at 5:17 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's totally normal for Koreans.
posted by french films about trains at 5:17 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, my mom still receives very nice cardigans, coats and other clothing from her friends even to this day that are previously worn. My mom is in her 60's, as are her friends. As long as the clothes are clean, nice quality and presented nicely (folded up into an old department store shopping bag) there is no real taboo or stigma around this practice.
posted by french films about trains at 5:20 PM on July 28, 2012
posted by french films about trains at 5:20 PM on July 28, 2012
Best answer: Presentation is important, too.
Folded, in a nice department store bag
vs
stuffed in a black garbage bag
would make me feel totally different.
posted by xmts at 5:30 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Folded, in a nice department store bag
vs
stuffed in a black garbage bag
would make me feel totally different.
posted by xmts at 5:30 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In case it wasn't clear from my profile, I am Korean, with family living in Korea, and as I've said I've seen differing attitudes towards second-hand items even within my own family. I had a cousin who had a baby in the U.S. while in graduate school with her husband, and while they both came from wealthy families, she was perfectly okay with getting hand-me-down clothes and toys, because kids outgrew things so quickly.
french films about trains brings up a good point, presentation is important. Anyway, I'd say don't overthink it, just offer.
posted by needled at 5:50 PM on July 28, 2012
french films about trains brings up a good point, presentation is important. Anyway, I'd say don't overthink it, just offer.
posted by needled at 5:50 PM on July 28, 2012
Response by poster: Thanks for all the good answers.
I retrospect -- I am likely overthinking this.
Yes, I'll ask first, make it easy to say "no," and make it clear these are just a few things I thought her daughter might like (some Duplo blocks she played with last time they were over, for example).
Nice department store bag - of course! I hoard those like a mad old lady ;)
Thanks again for the reassurance.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:22 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
I retrospect -- I am likely overthinking this.
Yes, I'll ask first, make it easy to say "no," and make it clear these are just a few things I thought her daughter might like (some Duplo blocks she played with last time they were over, for example).
Nice department store bag - of course! I hoard those like a mad old lady ;)
Thanks again for the reassurance.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:22 PM on July 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not knowing specifics about Korean culture here but just commenting generally on hand-me downs: I'd say if she is particular about her own dress you're taking a risk. She might accept out of politeness but then not use the clothes.
My kids are five and six and over the years kind friends and family members have passed on their children's outgrown clothes. Almost without exception I found fault with the stuff: stains, pilling, boring design, wrong fit for my taste. A dear friend paid $40 to ship a parcel, which included her son's worn shoes. I was embarrassed for her.
posted by Dragonness at 9:16 PM on July 28, 2012
My kids are five and six and over the years kind friends and family members have passed on their children's outgrown clothes. Almost without exception I found fault with the stuff: stains, pilling, boring design, wrong fit for my taste. A dear friend paid $40 to ship a parcel, which included her son's worn shoes. I was embarrassed for her.
posted by Dragonness at 9:16 PM on July 28, 2012
Wow - I am really shocked by all the negativity toward giving other people your nicely used clothes and toys. That must be why asking is totally the way to go!
My cultural addition to this thread: our very dear Korean friend (who does have an American wife) offered us their son's nice used clothes (some of which they had received used from the husband's brother's son's closet). So, within some Korean families they give used clothes to each other and some Korean families do give used clothes to people outside the family. Of course there were some clothes with stains or that were not our tastes so we put them to the side, but the price of used clothes is sorting through them and saying a big thank you. The clothes we received were folded, clean, and in boxes.
My personal addition to this thread: I wore nothing but hand me downs from my cousins as a kid (except new underwear from my Grandmother that was given once a year). That worked totally fine until I was an early teenager when everything was embarrassing, so clothes from my cousins were too. But I seem to have gotten over it because I happily took my Korean friends' kid's clothes for my kid and when those boxes come have a big old sorting party!
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 5:55 AM on July 29, 2012
My cultural addition to this thread: our very dear Korean friend (who does have an American wife) offered us their son's nice used clothes (some of which they had received used from the husband's brother's son's closet). So, within some Korean families they give used clothes to each other and some Korean families do give used clothes to people outside the family. Of course there were some clothes with stains or that were not our tastes so we put them to the side, but the price of used clothes is sorting through them and saying a big thank you. The clothes we received were folded, clean, and in boxes.
My personal addition to this thread: I wore nothing but hand me downs from my cousins as a kid (except new underwear from my Grandmother that was given once a year). That worked totally fine until I was an early teenager when everything was embarrassing, so clothes from my cousins were too. But I seem to have gotten over it because I happily took my Korean friends' kid's clothes for my kid and when those boxes come have a big old sorting party!
posted by mutt.cyberspace at 5:55 AM on July 29, 2012
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(And FWIW, cultural stuff aside, there are some people who are into hand-me-downs and some that aren't.)
However, I know that my Korean mommy grad student friend often buy clothes for her baby when she's in the U.S. for conferences.
"Hey friend. I heard that you are having a girl. How wonderful! I was doing some cleaning and found a tupperware of Allison's cute baby and toddler dresses and other clothes as well as some baby toys. I'm not planning on having another baby until after we move, so I don't need them. Would you guys like them? They're all in good condition."
But I asked my friend and am awaiting her reply.
posted by k8t at 1:26 PM on July 28, 2012