Should I maintain radio silence?
July 24, 2012 6:24 PM   Subscribe

I cut ties off with someone, and every few months she sends me an e-mail or Facebook message trying to get back in touch. Should I send her a message to tell her to stop?

I had a longtime online friendship with a girl. We lived on opposite sides of the country (east coast/west coast), and would chat and flirt online. Mostly text-chat, very occasionally voice.
About two years ago we were in the same city at the same time, and hooked up. A precondition of this happening was that we both understood it was no-strings-attached fun.

Well, it was, but immediately afterwards she got very jealous/angry very quickly about anything I would tell her about. It was overboard and after asking her to stop, I eventually had to tell her it was over - I didn't want to have contact with her anymore.

In the time since, I've met a wonderful woman, we have moved in together, and my life is just generally in a different place.

Every six months, I get a message essentially asking for me to reconnect and continue chatting online as friends, that sort of thing. It usually includes some sort of commentary about what happened, or about how she's changed, and so forth.

I have left these unanswered. I feel like I was very clear when I cut ties. Should I continue leaving them unanswered, or should I send a message just saying to leave me alone?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Continue to leave them unanswered. Eventually, she will take the hint, but if you acknowledge it, even to request she stop, you are encouraging further contact.
posted by katemcd at 6:26 PM on July 24, 2012 [16 favorites]


Unless it is seriously bugging you, a message every six months is infrequent enough that you probably don't want to risk what may happen if you acknowledge that you're paying attention to her (i.e. more frequent messages.)
posted by griphus at 6:27 PM on July 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


(If it is seriously bugging you, set up an email filter for her address and block her on Facebook. Either way, contact is ill-advised.)
posted by griphus at 6:27 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Block her on FB, filter and delete her emails. Seriously.
posted by Hello Darling at 6:35 PM on July 24, 2012 [10 favorites]


Yeah, the fact that she's still contacting you means she's still believes there's a chance with you. If you in any way acknowledge that, even negatively, that belief will be justified. Don't do it. Keep ignoring her and do as others say and block her on Facebook or reroute her emails.
posted by patheral at 6:42 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've sorta been on both sides of this equation. I think if you just give her a reason to stop talking, it would give some closure and she might back off on her own. I know if you told me that you "are in a wonderful place right now. -Sentence explaining your situation_. I hope life is working out for you. I wish you the best" I'd get the hint and back off. I'd be hurt if you just didn't respond to my messages. Maybe she is just fishing to see how you are, and if she realizes you are happy, she would move on.
posted by eq21 at 6:52 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Gavin de Becker says in one of his books that if someone calls you 100 times and you pick up the phone the 101st to tell them to stop calling, what you've taught them is that it takes 101 calls for them to get an answer from you.

I would just delete the messages like any other unwanted email or Facebook message.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:56 PM on July 24, 2012 [18 favorites]


I was in this kind of position, and chose to make the tie-cutting more unilateral: I blocked her on facebook and set up gmail to auto-delete everything she sent me. It's been great for my sanity.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:02 PM on July 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


I had (have) a similar situation with someone who I had told never to contact me again. It's almost a year later, and she still calls or emails me on average about once every month and a half. I have never responded, and I never will; it would be inviting too much drama.

I would suggest that you do not respond. Do not block her messages, as you may one day need to present them to the police for the purposes of showing a pattern of unsolicited contact from her, but definitely don't answer. It is of no consequence whether or not she understands your reasons for not answering her; don't think about that. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe; do not give this problematic person an opening to invite herself back into your life.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 7:05 PM on July 24, 2012


If you contact her to stop she will more than likely try to turn you around. No contact.
posted by heyjude at 7:16 PM on July 24, 2012


She sends me an e-mail or Facebook message trying to get back in touch. Should I send her a message to tell her to stop?

If you want to get back in touch, then yes.
posted by box at 7:22 PM on July 24, 2012


You have already told her that you didn't want to communicate with her, and why. She didn't forget. She won't pay any more attention if you tell her again.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:30 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you have specifically actually really said - in just so many actual words - that you do not want to communicate with her, then yes, absolutely, block her all to heck.

But if what you said was more like "I'm sorry, I just don't think this is going to work, I hope you have a nice life," then for crying out loud, send her a message saying "I do not want to communicate with you. Please stop."

If there is a chance she is legitimately guessing, it's kind and rational to give her a clear-cut answer. If there is no chance she is legitimately guessing, then obviously she's being unkind and/or irrational. So, you know, duh.
posted by SMPA at 7:44 PM on July 24, 2012 [14 favorites]


I think you should say something. Imagining myself in her shoes, even if I were just thinking of keeping in touch/being friends/seeing how you're doing, I'd want a very clear statement, not just silence (which in email can be very ambiguous.)
posted by spbmp at 8:51 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've been that girl, as much as I hate to admit it, and I don't think you should ever respond. The person I was still holding a candle for would occasionally respond (this was smutty stuff, but I wanted more and for some reason thought I would eventually get it) and it's the infrequent responses that made it really hard to get over this person. Had they maintained radio silence, it would have made my life a lot easier during those dense years of my life.

Eventually I met a lovely lady and deleted all those old e-mails, threw away the letters, and stopped the PMS-induced sad fest where I would imagine that we could have worked out based on some bedroom chemistry.

Whew, that's a pathetic story but I hope it helps you realize that responding will probably just give her hope, even though there is none. Good luck!
posted by thesocietyfor at 9:22 PM on July 24, 2012 [6 favorites]


I just realized that though you're obviously not asking if you should reconnect with her in some smutty way, my answer may appear to be implying that. I meant that even some benign "hey, not interested in being friends and would appreciate if you don't contact me again" will probably lead to another e-mail in six months seeing if you still feel that way, because having been in that situation it really didn't matter what the other person was saying, in my mind we were meant to be and I tried to find hope in every interaction.
posted by thesocietyfor at 9:26 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Alas, I guess I will have to break the unanimity here.

I don't think 4 emails over 2 years is the kind of stalker situation where the only thing that will keep you safe is no contact. (Assuming that the emails are normal, emotionally balanced, and pretty short.)

It often happens that when people have a falling out, emotions are running really high in the moment, but later on, people cool down and reconnect. I think most people end up trying to reach out again if the falling out wasn't horrific and they really valued knowing the person beforehand.

My guess is that she's thinking it's one of those situations, and that when you said you didn't want to have contact with her anymore, it was because of her behavior during that time, not necessarily forever.

I think if you write back to her and let her know that you don't hold hard feelings anymore, but when you said you didn't want to talk anymore you meant permanently, and asked her to please respect that you don't want any more contact, period, and would not be replying to her again yourself, that would work.
posted by cairdeas at 9:48 PM on July 24, 2012 [6 favorites]


You ended the relationship. Don't let it take up any more of your brain space. Block her and forget about it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:50 PM on July 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't see how informing her at this point that her contact is unwanted would have the effect you intend. People stating that if they were in her shoes that all they would need is a "please stop" are not addressing how irrational contacting an ex every six months is when they never reply. You do not rationalize with the irrational.

If she's honestly not aware at this point that you don't want to talk to her, telling her that fact isn't going solve this.

Delete, reroute, ignore.
posted by Dynex at 1:32 AM on July 25, 2012


I would err on the side of kindness, and actually tell her that you will never want to have contact with her again. After all, four emails is not really excessive given the circumstances. Reply to this one and then block her, so even if she then steps up contact or tries harder it won't actually affect you. And it might give her some closure so she can stop wondering.

On the other hand, if you feel you were absolutely clear that you never ever wanted to talk to her again, you're not obliged to do anything other than delete and block.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:11 AM on July 25, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'd say don't respond. I've been in almost the other side of this situation - I was the one who said I didn't want contact anymore (not because I didn't actually want to contact him but because I knew he wasn't interested and because I was I knew it wasn't good for me to be in contact with him) but I was also the one who kept breaking my own rule and sending him an email to meet up every couple of months. He would basically always respond when I contacted him and we would meet up - just for coffee or something, it was never anything more after our initial hookup - and then it would take me weeks to get over it again. Eventually I got over it and stopped contacting him (moved out of the country; this helped). I always think it would have made the whole thing easier if he would have just given me the radio silence thing after the first time I told him I didn't want to have contact anymore.

You may feel mean not responding to her, but it sounds like you've made it clear that you're no longer interested. She needs to move on.
posted by Rinoia at 5:41 AM on July 25, 2012


Seconding Parasite Unseen.

Do not respond, but keep the messages in case you need them for police/legal reasons.

Good luck!
posted by commitment at 6:54 AM on July 25, 2012


I think that four emails in two years is annoyingly persistant, but not stalk-y. She is not unaware that you don't want to speak with her - no answer is a "no answer" here, and you've already apparently stated to her that the relationship was over. I don't see a reason to answer her or even filter the emails, unless they've got a tone you're not mentioning here -- I'd just block and move on.
posted by sm1tten at 7:58 AM on July 25, 2012


I'm going to second the taking a long look at exactly what you said that started this 2 years no contact. It might seem 100% obvious to you, but with these types of things I prefer no ambiguity. If it wasn't "I no longer wish to have any contact. ever" you might have an issue. "move on with my life"... "I don't think it's in our best interest to speak (any word other than 'ever')" ... Etc are not 100% obvious.

If someone wanted to have no contact with me, but was not blocking me on social media and not being highly explicit or some other Very clear cue... I could see myself missing the boat. twice a year seems plausible.

If it were me I would:

1 Block her on Facebook all online media at the very least.
2 Write "I do not wish to have any further contact,"
3 then set up a filter to delete her mail.

You can also just skip step 2.
posted by French Fry at 9:32 AM on July 25, 2012


Sometimes no response *is* a response. Fail to file your tax return, and the IRS understands perfectly what you're (not) saying.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 1:38 PM on July 25, 2012


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