He's my boy.
July 16, 2012 2:35 AM Subscribe
Considering moving out of the parental home again, after four years living here and bonding strongly with their cat. Cat was only a couple of months old when I moved in. He's now four. I'm feeling awful and guilty (quite apart from sad at the fact that I'm going to miss him too). How is he going to take my absence and can I make this easier?
While my parents' cat officially belongs to them, it's me with whom he's bonded since about 2 months old when I returned from some time overseas and he was just new to the family. I've remained here since, for various reasons, and the family jokes that I've become his love interest. I'm the only one he sits on, sleeps on, who gets countless rolls on the floor in greeting when I come home, he sits at the door to my granny-flat miaowing and demanding to be let in and shown that I'm definitely not in there when I'm out, etc. I love him to bits but obviously can't live with my parents all my life. And an opportunity to move in with a friend has just come up, which I'm now considering.
I thought I'd read somewhere once that someone's cat (who left home and got lost) had taken up with an entirely new human within six weeks and forgot the old one. While that would be hugely convenient, is this how it works really? Or is he going to feel abandoned? If so, for how long, and what (if anything) can I can do to prevent it?
Stories/experiences?
While my parents' cat officially belongs to them, it's me with whom he's bonded since about 2 months old when I returned from some time overseas and he was just new to the family. I've remained here since, for various reasons, and the family jokes that I've become his love interest. I'm the only one he sits on, sleeps on, who gets countless rolls on the floor in greeting when I come home, he sits at the door to my granny-flat miaowing and demanding to be let in and shown that I'm definitely not in there when I'm out, etc. I love him to bits but obviously can't live with my parents all my life. And an opportunity to move in with a friend has just come up, which I'm now considering.
I thought I'd read somewhere once that someone's cat (who left home and got lost) had taken up with an entirely new human within six weeks and forgot the old one. While that would be hugely convenient, is this how it works really? Or is he going to feel abandoned? If so, for how long, and what (if anything) can I can do to prevent it?
Stories/experiences?
Is taking him with you absolutely out of the question? It seems your folks recognize that you are his person. Is your friend allergic to cats?
It's true that cats can eventually come to love the one they're with ;) if the one they're with is willing to invest considerable time and patience and unrequited adoration - but cats never forget nor cease to prefer their chosen.
posted by likeso at 3:15 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's true that cats can eventually come to love the one they're with ;) if the one they're with is willing to invest considerable time and patience and unrequited adoration - but cats never forget nor cease to prefer their chosen.
posted by likeso at 3:15 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your cat will be fine (I'm assuming, of course, that someone else in the house will take over as responsible care-giver, box cleaner, feeder, petter of said cat). There really isn't much you can do to mitigate the situation other than take the cat with you.
We've a little Siamese who was "Jill's cat" for years, and then Jill moved away as graduates do, little cat is now MY cat (but still loves to see Jill when she comes to visit.
posted by HuronBob at 3:18 AM on July 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
We've a little Siamese who was "Jill's cat" for years, and then Jill moved away as graduates do, little cat is now MY cat (but still loves to see Jill when she comes to visit.
posted by HuronBob at 3:18 AM on July 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Seconding the idea that you should take him with you.
posted by parrot_person at 3:22 AM on July 16, 2012
posted by parrot_person at 3:22 AM on July 16, 2012
Take the cat, and let your parents know. It's prolly a given already.
Expect several weeks for your cat to adjust to the new place. Keep your cat in your room with a couple of litter boxes, food, water, toys, couple of folded up beach towels under your bed, etc...
Beautiful happiness in your new place!
posted by Pudhoho at 3:48 AM on July 16, 2012
Expect several weeks for your cat to adjust to the new place. Keep your cat in your room with a couple of litter boxes, food, water, toys, couple of folded up beach towels under your bed, etc...
Beautiful happiness in your new place!
posted by Pudhoho at 3:48 AM on July 16, 2012
I think you should take the cat if you can.
I bonded with my in-law's cat and left (couldn't take her). She sat on the bed for about a month after we left. She's taken to hissing / scratching (did to me once but not anymore) randomly and doesn't sit on my lap anymore when I visit.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 4:30 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I bonded with my in-law's cat and left (couldn't take her). She sat on the bed for about a month after we left. She's taken to hissing / scratching (did to me once but not anymore) randomly and doesn't sit on my lap anymore when I visit.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 4:30 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Take the cat!
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:35 AM on July 16, 2012
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:35 AM on July 16, 2012
Your cat will be fine if you leave it behind. Your attachment to the cat, with the emotions and feelings that it brings, is much more substantial than the cat's attachment to you. Taking the cat with you is a solution for you, not for the cat.
posted by OmieWise at 4:47 AM on July 16, 2012 [12 favorites]
posted by OmieWise at 4:47 AM on July 16, 2012 [12 favorites]
If you can't take the cat for whatever reason, don't worry - the cat will miss you, but he will recover. Cats are by nature self-sufficient, so he may protest and complain, but that's as far as he will take it. Remember, dogs might protect your dead body, but any cat would just say a brief prayer then dig in.
On the other hand, the cat will remember you - they aren't blank slates. He may pretend to be aloof when you come to visit, but take bets on how long til he breaks and settles back into his favorite lap - it won't be as long as you think. It will be a chance for the cat to develop new patterns which can be a mixed bag for us emotionally, but it is fine for the cat.
posted by dness2 at 4:48 AM on July 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, the cat will remember you - they aren't blank slates. He may pretend to be aloof when you come to visit, but take bets on how long til he breaks and settles back into his favorite lap - it won't be as long as you think. It will be a chance for the cat to develop new patterns which can be a mixed bag for us emotionally, but it is fine for the cat.
posted by dness2 at 4:48 AM on July 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It really depends on the cat. When I moved to a different country I left my two cats with my Mom, who already had a cat. Holly totally adapted super quickly, but then she is an attention hog towards anyone (human or animal). All she wants is to be petted, loved and fed by ANYONE.
Yoshi, on the other hand, took a few months to feel at home, and I think even today, almost three years later, he still gives me a "oh, you left me here and I LOVED YOU" look when I come to visit*. He's a finicky eater, and much more stress-prone. He loves my Mom now too, but he doesn't do the super happy purr-purr with her he did with me (and sometimes still does, when his weird little cat brain lets it go). I sometimes consider taking him with me, but Holly loves both him and my Mom's cat to bits and they cuddle together all the time... So I don't dare split them up. I do still feel guilty sometimes, though (humans have weird little brains too...). But that's my problem to deal with, not the cats'. Also, they had to move to another house, which yours won't have to do.
Both cats were living in a shelter when I took them in, having been left there together by a newly divorced couple (yeah, seriously...), and at that time Holly adapted faster as well.
Your cat is amazingly cute, by the way.
*I may very well be projecting here. But you may end up doing that as well, which is something you should consider.
posted by neblina_matinal at 5:01 AM on July 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Yoshi, on the other hand, took a few months to feel at home, and I think even today, almost three years later, he still gives me a "oh, you left me here and I LOVED YOU" look when I come to visit*. He's a finicky eater, and much more stress-prone. He loves my Mom now too, but he doesn't do the super happy purr-purr with her he did with me (and sometimes still does, when his weird little cat brain lets it go). I sometimes consider taking him with me, but Holly loves both him and my Mom's cat to bits and they cuddle together all the time... So I don't dare split them up. I do still feel guilty sometimes, though (humans have weird little brains too...). But that's my problem to deal with, not the cats'. Also, they had to move to another house, which yours won't have to do.
Both cats were living in a shelter when I took them in, having been left there together by a newly divorced couple (yeah, seriously...), and at that time Holly adapted faster as well.
Your cat is amazingly cute, by the way.
*I may very well be projecting here. But you may end up doing that as well, which is something you should consider.
posted by neblina_matinal at 5:01 AM on July 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think it also depends on the cat's personality - I have two cats and left them with my parents when I went abroad for a year and one of them adjusted just fine and latched onto my dad who played with him all the time, but the other cat pretty much only likes me so it took him a few months before he started to warm up to anyone. When I came back he was super pissed and it took him another couple of months to forgive me for leaving him.
Remember, dogs might protect your dead body, but any cat would just say a brief prayer then dig in.
Have to disagree with this. I'm pretty sure that if I died my cats would both "protect" my dead body - one time I had a virus and was throwing up, and after I was done I turned around to find both of them sitting right behind me and they stayed right by me for the rest of the day.
Anyway...I think the cat has chosen you, so take him if you can!
posted by fromageball at 5:03 AM on July 16, 2012
Remember, dogs might protect your dead body, but any cat would just say a brief prayer then dig in.
Have to disagree with this. I'm pretty sure that if I died my cats would both "protect" my dead body - one time I had a virus and was throwing up, and after I was done I turned around to find both of them sitting right behind me and they stayed right by me for the rest of the day.
Anyway...I think the cat has chosen you, so take him if you can!
posted by fromageball at 5:03 AM on July 16, 2012
I forgot to say: I wrote that to help you decide if you should take the cat or not, not if your should live at home forever so you can be with him. Definitely don't do that :)
posted by neblina_matinal at 5:06 AM on July 16, 2012
posted by neblina_matinal at 5:06 AM on July 16, 2012
Best answer: I have been around cats since before I was born, and disturbingly, they do adapt. They miss their main human for a while, but they learn to love who they are with. When I left home, my cat was 6. When she was 3, I left home for two weeks on a trip to the centre of the country - she was pissed off and scratched me when I came home as punishment, but forgave me about 3 seconds later. She had sulked when I went to hospital for 3 days two years later, so badly that my mother sneaked the cat in to visit me.
I left home 6 months after that, and only came back for a week or two at a time. She was pleased to see me, and perhaps there had been some weeks where she looked for me disconsoledly (but the only sentient beings I could ask are dead), but she got over it, didn't lose weight, learned to love my mother, and enjoy being the boss of the other felines. Later when I had my own place, I had to agree with Mum that Scrappy was happy where she was, and it would have been unkind to move her.
Now, I have my son's 10 year old cat (surely not that old). My son comes and catsits when I have to travel, and Gordon purrs his little heart out, but when I come home from travel, he is delighted. I would say, if Gordon was given a choice, he would pick me now, because I've been his main source of scritches for a good couple of years now, plus I tolerate him coming in under the covers when it's cold (and leaving, and knocking to come back and leaving) and other good stuff.
So, leave your cat if you have to, and be assured, your cat will bond with the other household members. Your cat will also remember you fondly. It's okay. You can go.
posted by b33j at 5:46 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I left home 6 months after that, and only came back for a week or two at a time. She was pleased to see me, and perhaps there had been some weeks where she looked for me disconsoledly (but the only sentient beings I could ask are dead), but she got over it, didn't lose weight, learned to love my mother, and enjoy being the boss of the other felines. Later when I had my own place, I had to agree with Mum that Scrappy was happy where she was, and it would have been unkind to move her.
Now, I have my son's 10 year old cat (surely not that old). My son comes and catsits when I have to travel, and Gordon purrs his little heart out, but when I come home from travel, he is delighted. I would say, if Gordon was given a choice, he would pick me now, because I've been his main source of scritches for a good couple of years now, plus I tolerate him coming in under the covers when it's cold (and leaving, and knocking to come back and leaving) and other good stuff.
So, leave your cat if you have to, and be assured, your cat will bond with the other household members. Your cat will also remember you fondly. It's okay. You can go.
posted by b33j at 5:46 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Leave the cat. (Take the cannoli.)
The cat will be fine without you. It won't pine for you, and it may or may not be happy to see you when you visit (sorry, but cats can be spiteful little furballs sometimes). It'll probably be happy to see you, but it'll be okay either way. Coping with change you can't control is what you must do when your brain is the size of half a peach.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:04 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
The cat will be fine without you. It won't pine for you, and it may or may not be happy to see you when you visit (sorry, but cats can be spiteful little furballs sometimes). It'll probably be happy to see you, but it'll be okay either way. Coping with change you can't control is what you must do when your brain is the size of half a peach.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:04 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It depends on the cat, of course, but as an anecdote, we got a kitten when I was five, and we grew up together. Thirteen years later, I went away to college out of state and rarely came home. I did miss her, but it took about three weeks for her to adapt to a single-human household (my mom) and resume her cuddling with my mom instead of me.
As long as your folks don't dismiss the cat and are willing to be available for lap sitting, nap surfaces, and plenty of love and attention, your cat will be fine.
On the occasions that I did come home, usually once or twice a year, it took her about 30 minutes of warming up and loved on me just as before. In fact, as she got much older, her senility made her oddly docile and sweet to everyone, when before she was only really sweet to people she knew. Aw, here I go getting wistful.
As to your own adjustment, I can say that it really helped me when my mom got a digital camera and sent me emails with pictures of her sometimes, with cute captions.
posted by juniperesque at 7:06 AM on July 16, 2012
As long as your folks don't dismiss the cat and are willing to be available for lap sitting, nap surfaces, and plenty of love and attention, your cat will be fine.
On the occasions that I did come home, usually once or twice a year, it took her about 30 minutes of warming up and loved on me just as before. In fact, as she got much older, her senility made her oddly docile and sweet to everyone, when before she was only really sweet to people she knew. Aw, here I go getting wistful.
As to your own adjustment, I can say that it really helped me when my mom got a digital camera and sent me emails with pictures of her sometimes, with cute captions.
posted by juniperesque at 7:06 AM on July 16, 2012
Too many moves can affect a cat, so if this is not a somewhat permanent move, keep in mind it could affect your cat's sense of safety. I moved too many times in a short timespan, and my kitty became very vigilant and stressed out. My second cat became very sick after I moved.
There are pros and cons to both. Go visit often if you move and don't take him!
posted by sleeping beauty at 7:14 AM on July 16, 2012
There are pros and cons to both. Go visit often if you move and don't take him!
posted by sleeping beauty at 7:14 AM on July 16, 2012
Best answer: The cat will be fine. I left "my" cat of 4 years when I left for college. He would be snuggly when I came back for break. After I graduated and moved out permanently, and it had been 6 mo or so before I visited my parents, I'm pretty sure he forgot who I was - I didn't get any more special treatment than a random person.
So, as long as your parents will take good care of him, he will be absolutely fine.
posted by Fig at 7:47 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
So, as long as your parents will take good care of him, he will be absolutely fine.
posted by Fig at 7:47 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's odd to say that you are more attached to the cat than vice versa. It sounds like he's as attached to you as a cat can be. I don't think he'd die of a broken heart if you left him, but that doesn't mean he'd be unaware of your absence.
Looks like you should take him with you, really.
Anecdata: several weeks after my Dad's funeral, our Flash, who was his constant companion, led me into his room, sat down firmly, and asked me point-blank, "Where is he?" That is not the behaviour of someone who isn't strongly attached.
posted by tel3path at 7:55 AM on July 16, 2012
Looks like you should take him with you, really.
Anecdata: several weeks after my Dad's funeral, our Flash, who was his constant companion, led me into his room, sat down firmly, and asked me point-blank, "Where is he?" That is not the behaviour of someone who isn't strongly attached.
posted by tel3path at 7:55 AM on July 16, 2012
I took the family cat with me when I went away to graduate school. He's actually held up fine through several cross country moves and remains, to this day, more attached to me than any other person. Of course, even when I lived at home, I was footing most of the vet bills, but to my mother he was just a cat while to me, he's my sweet-pea-kitty-darling. I think it really depends on you, your cat, and your parents.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:58 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:58 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: My parents both love him and care for him; there's no doubt he'll be well loved in my absence (just by people who view him more as a cat than MY SWEETPEA BABY). The move might be temporary AND my friend is allergic to cats, so really what I'm hoping for here is, "He will be fine!" If he acts cranky with me I can hack it, I just hate the thought of him feeling abandoned and lonely; my mother mentioned earlier that it would be hard seeing him hang around by my door wondering where I was when I'm not coming back regularly any more, which is what prompted the question. Thank you so much everyone for your stories and advice, I'm taking it all on board. Maybe I go (without him) and visit a lot for the first little bit...?
posted by springbound at 8:52 AM on July 16, 2012
posted by springbound at 8:52 AM on July 16, 2012
Response by poster: Also, no, they wouldn't be pleased at the idea of him going with me - not unless he really does look likely to suffer. "Too bad, he's my cat!" might've been heard uttered by Mum earlier! She was kidding, but, y'know, serious too. I probably should aim to keep a relationship with my parents throughout this I suppose. ;)
posted by springbound at 9:52 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by springbound at 9:52 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I've "lost" 3 cats to other people (ended relationships) that I was very close to, and none of them seemed to care after a few weeks.
posted by xyzzy at 10:14 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by xyzzy at 10:14 AM on July 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Lots of great advice. I am not sure about taking the cat. If you were moving into your own home, one that you planned to stay for a good while, I would do it, take the cat. But cats bond not just with people, they also bond with their environment and get very disoriented when they are moved, they are extremely territorial animals, and a lot of their life, energy and peace of mind is invested in 'place'. Shut a door that they expect to be open, and you can see how upset they get when a part of their habitat is disrupted. Alternatively, take a dog, dogs' territory is primarily the person/pack they are with. You can get in a car with them, and they are just fine. Not so much the cat.
I have noticed that my cats pick a person as their one and only, it is usually the person that is unclaimed, or most available. But if that person is not around, they go to the next person. It is some weird thing they do. When I came on the scene, my husband's cat (much to his dismay) promptly became my cat. Our new cat is his cat, except when he is out, then she quickly seeks me out for attention. As others have said, if your parents are available to the cat, it should do just fine.
posted by nanook at 12:23 PM on July 16, 2012
I have noticed that my cats pick a person as their one and only, it is usually the person that is unclaimed, or most available. But if that person is not around, they go to the next person. It is some weird thing they do. When I came on the scene, my husband's cat (much to his dismay) promptly became my cat. Our new cat is his cat, except when he is out, then she quickly seeks me out for attention. As others have said, if your parents are available to the cat, it should do just fine.
posted by nanook at 12:23 PM on July 16, 2012
Response by poster: Agree, lots of awesome advice here. I wanted to "best answer" ALL of them: thank you so much everyone. I'm definitely getting the idea that it depends on the cat, and the environment. I know the environment is more than welcoming to him (he was my mother's cat for his first month here - he was so young she had to bottle-feed him - and there's been good-natured competition about his affections since I stole him away from her; she'll be delighted if he switches back to Team Mum). Plus I'll visit him for super duper cuddles (hopefully not haughty indifference!). And if by some chance he pines there is an opportunity to pull out of the lease quite soon (worst case scenario). I'm feeling optimistic, though, now. Thank you all, lots! Mojo says thank you, too!
posted by springbound at 3:54 PM on July 16, 2012
posted by springbound at 3:54 PM on July 16, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by springbound at 3:05 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]