The shortest paths to insanity.
July 13, 2012 12:48 PM   Subscribe

Grant Morrison talks about a temple with 365 steps in Kathmandu that it's said will grant one enlightenment within one's lifetime if one can run up the steps in one breath (I may have details wrong). What are some similar discrete, concrete tasks that are supposed to produce relatively unambiguous (though possibly purely empirical) results?

Like, say if you touch the feet of some statue it's supposed to make you luckier. That's no good because how do you know if you're luckier (supposing that it's pretty easy to tell if you've become enlightened)? Something as general as "meditation" also wouldn't work because meditation is not a clearly defined task and no one ever said you'd experience samadhi every time you meditate no matter who you are.

Some Crowleyan ritual or chant that will summon Baphomet's presence (you know whether you think you see a goat-man) or make you grow horns (you'd physically have horns) would be a good example. Another example in a different vein would be if you use a dreammachine you'll have visual hallucinations (you can tell that you've having geometric hallucinations). Or like my first example you go to X place, do Y, and Z happens.

I realize this could be extended to cover stuff like, "If you drink whiskey you get drunk," but that's obviously not what I'm looking for.
posted by cmoj to Religion & Philosophy (25 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
I understand that if you kiss your own elbow, you'll change gender.

I have absolutely no idea where I read that.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:51 PM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!
posted by theodolite at 12:54 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I should add that the task should be possible for any normally-abled human.
posted by cmoj at 12:55 PM on July 13, 2012


Folding 1,000 cranes for a wish. Depending on the wish, that could be pretty unambiguous.
posted by pie ninja at 12:55 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Kissing the Blarney Stone is supposed to impart "the ability to deceive without offending."
posted by carsonb at 12:59 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


Climbing the steps of Mount Tai has some Taoist significance but damn if I can find anything on it right now.
posted by griphus at 1:00 PM on July 13, 2012


365 steps... if one can run up the steps in one breath

But that's not possible for an average normally-abled human (I doubt I could run up 35 steps in a single breath), whereas many people can indeed kiss their own elbow!
posted by DarlingBri at 1:00 PM on July 13, 2012


There are lots of variations on divination, like the one described here for "the [female] teenager who was beginning to wonder about marriage." Although there's still room for doubt, because what if she got married within the year but suspected the fellow with whom she ended up wasn't the one she'd seen in the mirror after all?
posted by homelystar at 1:04 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Hmm you're right. Then it should just be generally possible, and elbow-kissing goes on the list!
posted by cmoj at 1:05 PM on July 13, 2012


Folding 1,000 cranes for a wish. Depending on the wish, that could be pretty unambiguous.

That's right; there are plenty of task-related methods that will grant wishes. Breaking off the larger half of the wishbone at Thanksgiving and blowing out all the candles on your birthday cake in one breath, to name just two.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:12 PM on July 13, 2012


There are a whole bunch of "wear x bracelet until it falls off and y happens" believes from Judaism (wear this red string, when it falls off you will meet the man you are supposed to marry) and Catholicism (saint bracelets, last saint standing is your saint) to Brazilian wish ribbons (when it falls off your wish comes true).
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:14 PM on July 13, 2012


If you are a princess, and you kiss an enchanted prince who is currently in the form of a frog...
posted by homelystar at 1:15 PM on July 13, 2012


Completing at least 100 kilometers of the pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela in Spain gives you a plenary indulgence, aka remission of the temporal punishment of sin, aka you get to skip purgatory and go straight to wherever.
posted by acidic at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2012


cmoj: "Grant Morrison talks about a temple with 365 steps in Kathmandu that it's said will grant one enlightenment within one's lifetime if one can run up the steps in one breath (I may have details wrong). What are some similar discrete, concrete tasks that are supposed to produce relatively unambiguous (though possibly purely empirical) results?"

I'd argue that "granting enlightenment within one's lifetime" is totally unempirical. If you achieved enlightenment later, how would you know it was from climbing those steps? Also, Grant Morrison spouts a lot of bombastic shite, like the idea that the Invisibles would be saved from cancellation if his readers all jerked off simultaneously.

Are all the variations of "Do [X] and your wish will come true" off-limits? Because there are a ton of them. If you rub my foot I'll tell them to you.
posted by mkultra at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2012


Well, there's the endless list of "cures" for the hiccups.

Plus: step on a crack, break your mother's back. I was able to definitively debunk that claim on many occassions.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:18 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Nianfo
In most Pure Land traditions, mindfully chanting of the name of Amitābha Buddha is viewed as allowing one to obtain birth in Amitābha's western pure land called Sukhāvatī (skt. "Realm of Bliss"). It is felt that this act would help to negate vast stores of negative karma that might hinder one's pursuit of buddhahood.
This in Japanese is 'Namu Amida Butsu' and (in the movies, take with a grain of salt) is the thing that Ninjas say when they get sliced open and are about to drop dead. Just like Christianity (of some sorts), you just have to call his name and he will grant you reprieve from the cycle of rebirth and take you to the outskirts of heaven where you'll wait for everybody else in the world to catch up to you so you can all enter Nirvana together.

It has been argued that actual belief is not necessary, because belief is a human-condition type of thing that has no place outside of this petty incarnation. So you don't even have to believe to be afforded this salvation, just say it. It has also been argued that you can say it for others since we're all the same anyway (like Mormons baptizing the dead, it's all good).

This ramble leads up to a story I once read in Tricycle magazine (a Buddhist mag that I haven't seen in ages) where they ask a monk what his feelings were about things like rats in hospitals causing disease and insects spreading malaria and whatnot and how the Buddhist do-not-kill-anything meshed with it's-them-or-us. He replied something to the effect that he'd squash a mosquito and say 'Namu Amida Butsu' for it.

May you all be reborn a Buddha.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:32 PM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


My mom passed down a superstition from her father that was a variant of "splitting the pole." Instead of the unambiguous bad luck that most people associate with splitting the pole, her father's idea was that you'd having a falling out with the person you were with.

To remedy this, you say "bread and butter bread and butter," but you can also use that as a warning to someone who is about the split the pole.

No matter how much I rolled my eyes when I was younger, I still get a visceral feeling of NONONO anytime I'm with someone who splits the pole.
posted by SugarAndSass at 2:07 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


There are a large number of ones for women which are "do X and you will get pregnant". Spending the night on the penis of the Cerne Abbas giant and running round the ring of Brodgar are two which come to mind in this vein.

Similarly there are a lot of curative rituals associated with places, which are often quite specific (and thus fairly unambiguous); for example, Mên-an-Tol will cure you of rickets. At clootie wells you are supposed to get better from your illness as your clootie rots, which again is clearly defined in terms of action and outcome.
posted by Coobeastie at 2:47 PM on July 13, 2012


If you go to Shikoku, Japan and visit all 88 temples on the island, you gain enlightenment. Or, as one of my elderly English students once told me, you get a free pass into heaven. Last time I talked to him, he and his wife had done it three times. I like to think they're just making double-extra sure, rather than thinking that they have something horrible to atone for.

As an aside, I'd never heard of "splitting the pole" until now, and were it not for Google, I would have continued to think it required an axe - which just made the whole thing weirder...
posted by MShades at 4:41 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


SugarAndSass: "My mom passed down a superstition from her father that was a variant of "splitting the pole." Instead of the unambiguous bad luck that most people associate with splitting the pole, her father's idea was that you'd having a falling out with the person you were with.

To remedy this, you say "bread and butter bread and butter," but you can also use that as a warning to someone who is about the split the pole.
"

I've never heard it called "splitting the pole", but it's definitely something I'm familiar with. Growing up in Northern California, I only learned it with the "falling out" consequence (what's the "unambiguous bad luck" you mention?), but we had the added detail that after the first person said "bread and butter!" the other had to respond with something else that so-obviously-goes-together: "cheese and crackers!" "cinnamon and toast!" "hugs and kisses!"
posted by Lexica at 7:05 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


At Todaiji in Nara, Japan, there's a pillar with a small hole in the base that's the same size as one of the nostrils of the giant Buddha there. If you can crawl through it, you'll supposedly be granted enlightenment in the next life.
posted by sunset in snow country at 8:42 PM on July 13, 2012


Touching the rope that pulls the carriage of the Black Nazarene during its procession, or even better, touching the statue itself, is supposed to grant the devotee's usually specific wish (i.e. healing of a sickness). It's a crazy event, and millions of people risk getting trampled on, robbed, suffocated, etc., just to carry this out.
posted by pimli at 10:43 PM on July 13, 2012


> To remedy this, you say "bread and butter bread and butter,"

There's an old Popeye cartoon in which Popeye does this w/Ms. Oyl. I didn't understand it for a decade after that.

In Kyoto's Kiyomizu temple, there are two stones about twenty-thirty feet apart. Walk to one from the other with your eyes closed and your wish will be granted.
posted by user92371 at 1:40 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


If you go to a wedding, bring home a piece of wedding cake and sleep with the cake under your pillow, that night you will dream of the person you will marry. (I am guessing this only works if you are single)
posted by SisterHavana at 9:24 PM on July 14, 2012


D'oh. It seems every time I write a comment I have a typo. That's what I get for trying to be sneaky and quick while at work. Ambiguous, not unambiguous.
posted by SugarAndSass at 8:20 AM on July 16, 2012


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