Loving and living in the moment?

July 13, 2012 10:59 AM

My boyfriend is moving in 10 days. We will not be continuing our relationship after he goes. How do I enjoy our last bit of time together without constantly mourning the end of the relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been together since the end of February. He told me when we first started dating that he would be moving from our city to a city 1700 miles away. Both of us had just gotten out of other relationships and both thought that this would be a casual thing, but real feelings have developed. Over the course of the last few months we have seen other about twice a week.

He quit his job at the beginning of the week and is spending his last days here having fun and seeing friends and spending time with me. We have been spending lots of time together doing fun activities and having nice dinners and lingering in bed and just having a really great time.

Thing is, I have fallen for him in a pretty real way. He knows that I feel very strongly, though I haven’t said ‘I love you’ outright. I know he feels very strongly about me too, though I’m not sure if he loves me like I love him. It’s rather irrelevant because we have decided that this relationship will not continue after he departs. He’s younger than me (he just turned 25, I’m a woman about to be 30), he isn’t ready to settle down yet (I would like to be pursuing a long-term marriage-minded relationship), neither of us want a long-distance relationship, he doesn’t want to stay and I don’t want to go. Ultimately, though I think he is one of the most wonderful guys I’ve ever dated, deep down I also know he’s not The One just due to basic lifestyle choices and goals.

I’m trying really hard to just enjoy the remaining moments I have with him, but when we fall asleep at night I get really sad that another day of limited days with him has passed. I get really sad when we are doing fun things and an idea of something else fun we can do pops into my head and I realize that we can’t make any plans together.

Mostly I’m sad because I know that in order to move on I’m going to have to go the tried-and-true metafilter route of no-contact. I know that from previous break-ups this is the way to go, especially because I know it will make me sad me to learn of new people he will be dating and good things happening in his life that I won’t be a part of. But in past circumstances I really didn’t want to be in contact because the people or relationships themselves made me sad or angry. In the case with this guy, I want to talk to him every day and he brings me lots of joy. I feel like the relationship is ending right at its peak and the end will be this sudden, jarring stop to what has really brought me a lot of happiness over the last few months.

I do have lots of plans for projects and travel and social things to distract me after he goes, and I’m confident that I will eventually move on. But how do I keep up my game face until after he leaves? I don’t want to drown him in my sorrow and have us part on a sad note. I don’t want to wear him or myself down with the mourning of the death of our relationship. He’s been really comforting when I have expressed my sadness and he has expressed his own, but he’s a lot better at being positive and living in the moment than I am. I really truly want to enjoy every remaining minute with him, but I’m having a hard time when everything we do together reminds me of everything we won’t be doing together 10 days from now. So I need coping strategies for living in the moment and being able to enjoy what I have instead of mourning what I won’t have a few days from now.

tl;dr: My boyfriend is moving. We won’t be staying together but we are ending on good terms. How can I enjoy our remaining time together without ruining it with me being too sad?

Thanks guys.

posted by greta simone to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Why not spend the last few dates redoing your "greatest hits" dates. Maybe do what you did on your first date again, wear the same clothes, eat the same foods. That way you focus on the fun times you've had, you're remembering the good stuff instead of being sad that its done.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:09 AM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Distract yourself as you said, vent your feelings to another friend or family member and give yourself permission to be sad. It's inevitable, really. But this is a relationship you'll be coming out of with lots of great memories and self-respect intact. You'll have melancholy, heal up and move on. Good for you for taking the risk.
posted by rocketpup at 11:10 AM on July 13, 2012

Put it off. Consciously and deliberately tell yourself that you will wait to mourn. There's no reason to be sad about something that hasn't actually ended.
posted by kindall at 11:10 AM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

My advice might not be compatible with PuppetMcSockerson's up there, but I would suggest going off the beaten path with your dates. Don't go anywhere that you will pass by on your regular routine after he moves, since that will only make you sadder then. Keep thinking about future You and how best to take care of her..
posted by lily_bart at 11:18 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Try to do things that will keep you both occupied (so a concert over a museum) and the moment you start to get upset think of this Gabriel Garcia Marquez quote "Dont cry because it came to an end, smile because it happened."
posted by xicana63 at 11:24 AM on July 13, 2012 [10 favorites]

Do your big goodbye right now, and get it out of the way. That way, this Huge Looming Thing is done with, the pressure is off, and you two can actually enjoy your remaining time together.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:30 AM on July 13, 2012

I recently moved away from my steady date under fairly similar circumstances. Hanging out with mutual friends and being busy packing/running errands helped a lot in keeping the emo at bay. We did have a little cryfest the night before I left, and I'm glad that happened (then we called our best friends to come over, so we'd have to stop crying). It's okay to be sad.

FWIW, we are still texting most days and talking weekly, and that's not making me sad. Find a boundary you feel comfortable with, it doesn't *have* to be no contact.
posted by momus_window at 11:40 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I've had this happen twice. Both times the women moved to Finland, so if you're boyfriend is also stolen by the Finn's, you have my sympathy.

I, honestly, just stuck my head in the sand about the whole thing and did my best to pretend that nothing was happening. My logic, to the extent I even thought about it, was that the life we had lived together was what we were enjoying, so I should just keep that going.

But I rock at denial.
posted by bswinburn at 11:48 AM on July 13, 2012

If it is really going to be over, period, for sure, end of story and I was in love... I think that I would just end it now, and start the mourning part 10 days earlier so that I am over it 10 days sooner. Sounds rough, but the consolation prize is that it is always better to love and lose than not to love at all.
posted by snaparapans at 12:06 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

How can I enjoy our remaining time together without ruining it with me being too sad?

I was in a similar relationship back in the fall of 2004 in Chicago. Towards the end, just before he was leaving, he planned a day out for us at the Arboretum to go and walk through the autumn leaves. The entire day was a carefully planned adn designed "experience" specifically to leave us both with lingering memories a la French movies or some such of the perfect ending moment, poignant, bittersweet and yet filled with the love that was, for that moment, for us. He was 27, I was 38.
posted by infini at 12:20 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would aim more towards kindall's putting-it-off strategy. There will be a lot of time for mourning after ten days, which really isn't that long a time; everything until then should be focused on keeping things upbeat, and giving yourselves even more memories to look back upon fondly. Having a big goodbye now risks casting a dark shadow over the remaining time, and ending it early is basically discarding what precious time you have left. I know for a fact that wouldn't work with me, it feels too artificial, like feelings are something to be gamed.

Do not forget the bond you shared, and keep in mind that the future is unpredictable. Don't pin any hopes on a continuation of the relationship later, but don't burn any bridges either. And don't forget to keep in touch.
posted by JHarris at 12:22 PM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I would aim more towards kindall's putting-it-off strategy. There will be a lot of time for mourning after ten days, which really isn't that long a time; everything until then should be focused on keeping things upbeat, and giving yourselves even more memories to look back upon fondly.

This is pretty much my plan. But the question is 'how?'. I'm having a hard time reigning in my sadness and keeping things upbeat. I like the Marquez quotation above though--that's helpful.
posted by greta simone at 12:27 PM on July 13, 2012

My previous comment in a similar thread may be relevant to you. In fact, that entire thread sounds like it would be valuable to read.

What was crucial for me to remember during the last two weeks of that relationship was to not force myself to feel or behave one way or the other. If I felt sad I let myself be sad rather than try and be happy because we were on borrowed time and I didn’t want to “waste it”.

It’s going to hurt - probably a lot - after you two are no longer together but try your best to use this time to remember why you got together in the first place.
posted by Diskeater at 12:36 PM on July 13, 2012

When I was in a similar situation, my (now) ex and I did a breakup ritual the last night we were together. Glossing over a lot of private details, there was some candles lit and we read some blessings/messages to each other. When I got down about the relationship ending in the weeks leading up to it, I planned out other aspects of the ritual--basically, channeling those sad feelings into a concrete item or action I planned to perform. It's a lot more "woo" than I normally am but I'm really glad we did it and it helped a lot.
posted by animalrainbow at 12:42 PM on July 13, 2012

I'm not being sarcastic, and it's not a rhetorical question: Might you be better off saying good-bye to him now, and not waiting till he's about to leave? I mean, say goodbye and stop seeing him.

If you don't want to do that, then what is the upside to continuing to spend time with him while the days are dwindling? Whatever that upside is, it's outweighing the benefits of breaking it off today. Tell yourself, "I have a choice. This sadness is a given, it's not going away. But being with him now is better than not being with him."

Give up on the idea that you can make it more bearable. Concentrate on the upside.
posted by wryly at 12:59 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

I kinda second wryly here. Say goodbye to him now. I'm sorry, but I truly feel this was a total ego stroke on the part of your boyfriend. This isn't some romantic movie. We have real feelings and people, like yourself, have every right to express them without someone trying to make the parting "pretty with sweet sorrow." Get outta here. I'd write him off as a friend and always a friend. No lingering love, nothing. I'd treat him as if he cheated on me, that's how I would get over him. He sounds a bit too present not truly thinking of how his actions affect your heart. That's not fair to you. 500 Days of Summer was a movie I loathed because this "carefree" woman dates a man for some odd years and never takes him seriously. Lame. Get mad girl!
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 1:29 PM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]

I went through a similar thing very recently, where I knew he was moving away from the get-go. I felt exactly like you did a week before it ended - that every time was borrowed time, and every fun thing we did was always tinted with a hint of sepia.

How I coped with the last week was to try and treat the whole thing like a novel to remove the reality from the situation: I concentrated on building as perfect a memory as possible, one where I was the protagonist living through a fairy-tale romance that ended on a bittersweet, literary ending. When real emotions of sadness, longing and lingering feeling inevitably threatened to creep up, I determinately suppressed it because that wasn't according to my script; I gave myself permission to bathe in the limerence and ignore things you may ordinarily have to think about (like long-term compatibility). Then after he left, I let myself wallow in melodrama for a bit, until I gradually drifted back to reality.

YMMV, of course, especially as my whole relationship was much shorter and the situation was quite dramatic - but for me, this really helped me be very in-the-moment and full of life in the last week, and then feeling a sense of closure afterwards. It's been two weeks hence and sometimes I do feel the overwhelming surge of sadness at unexpected moments (it really helps to change your environment or go travelling or something straight afterwards, so that you don't have to keep reminding yourself of him whenever you go past a particular landmark or street corner or whatever). But I think by treating the whole thing almost like a memory from the start helped me enjoy the experience while it lasted, and look back on it fondly later.

xicana63 mentioned its variant above, but the phrase that is currently my desktop background and what I repeat to myself every morning: "Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened." The fleetingness of the experience did not make it any less worth having - some of the best things in life must inevitably come to an end, and it is often this very impermanence that makes it so meaningful.
posted by pikeandshield at 1:52 PM on July 13, 2012

But the question is 'how?'. I'm having a hard time reigning in my sadness and keeping things upbeat.

Are you getting time alone to be sad in? Time with your friends to talk about it being hard? If you're trying to put a good face on things the entire time he's still around, you're going to wear yourself out. Take that time, even if it means a little less time with him right now.

I've been the leaver in this scenario, and it's easier to be "in the moment" when you've got logistics and future plans and very immediate needs to think about. Your boyfriend's attitude doesn't necessarily mean that he's "better" at coping with this -- what he's going through is different than what you're going through.

It made me feel very loved when friends got emotional about my departure. It made me feel very special that my partner at the time wanted to be with me right up to the end, even when it was hard for both of us. Maybe you don't need to work as hard at being upbeat as you think you do, but if upbeat is where you want to be, make sure you're also getting time on your own to feel sad.
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:03 PM on July 13, 2012

You might try putting "You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go"* (Dylan/Blood on the Tracks) on a loop and simply embracing the inevitable pain that comes from the end of something good. (See also: "Nothing Gold Can Stay" by Robert Frost.)

I also thought that pinkeandshield's comment "try and treat the whole thing like a novel to remove the reality from the situation" was a good coping strategy, since you are, in fact, writing your own life story. If you are lucky, a lot of people pass will through your life over the years. If you enjoy them while the are with you and think of them fondly when they leave, you are ahead of the game.

Of course it's painful, but you know that the pain is necessary (he's not in the running for "the one", regardless of the move), so try to take some solace in this, i.e., be grateful that you've always known that this day would come, rather than having the end of what you thought could be a long-term relationship/marriage delivered to you out of the blue.

I must say that I'm surprised by the "end it now" advice, but if that's what gets you through the night, then do what you have to do.

*Wish I could link via YouTube, but I just couldn't face wading through the multiple links to Miley Fucking Cyrus' covers of the song.
posted by she's not there at 4:53 PM on July 13, 2012

The people suggesting you end it now and/or be angry don't have enough appreciation for how special, important and valuable it is to spend GOOD moments with someone you love. Its that whole "better to have loved and lost" thing. You go on and love him and enjoy every last second of happpy time with him that you can, end on a high note, and look back on this relationship fondly for the rest of your life.
posted by thrasher at 5:27 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

How can I enjoy our remaining time together without ruining it with me being too sad?

Try not to worry too much about "ruining it." It puts too much pressure on both of you. If anything, just try to balance the negative part with as much positive as you can. A year from now you will remember what you did; some people will say you won't remember how you felt, but I don't think that's true in cases like this. But you can't really control how you feel, while you can make sure you have positives to remember.

In a similar situation-- relationship that started with my move in sight-- we did a certain amount of "bucket-list" stuff and at least one extravagant meal out. I probably did "ruin it" in some sense on one of our last days, because I made a kind of speech to him about how much the relationship meant to me and how great he'd been. He seemed to find it somewhat embarrassing but I'm glad now that I did it.
posted by BibiRose at 5:33 PM on July 13, 2012

Should have previewed; thrasher said it better.
posted by BibiRose at 5:34 PM on July 13, 2012

Feeling sad can be a good thing not a bad thing. Of course you,re sad, he is leaving. Why not revel in it in a " it hurts so good sort of way"?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:45 PM on July 13, 2012

I agree with the folks advocating ending it now. You don't need to get angry, of course, but making the decision about when to end things gives you a bit of control in this situation, which might make future you feel stronger when this is over. The guy you're dating has already made his decision. You don't just have to accept it and try to make everything perfect between you in the timeframe he has dictated before he disappears. The person you'll be with for the rest of your life is you, not him. The bittersweet last days together could be picturesque and romantic, but, when he is gone, they'll just give you more material to make yourself feel sad. If you act decisively (but not necessarily angrily or maliciously) now, future you can feel that at least some of this was on your terms. Don't wait until after he's gone to do the things you have planned. Do them now, on your own. Don't make your time just a countdown to his exit.
posted by TEA at 7:47 AM on July 14, 2012