Is she calling off the wedding?
July 13, 2012 7:48 AM   Subscribe

The other night, I met my Fiancee and we went out on a date. She is a wonderful person and I am madly in love with her. We've been together for less then a year but we're already planning a wedding next year. She wants to study abroad in out of the country the last semester of school (Spring). When I expressed concern that we wouldn't be as close when she got back as we are now, she said that If I'm concerned about that, we should NOT be getting married. What do you think?

We spend almost everyday together now, we do not live together but are living very close. Am I overreacting about her wanting to move very far away?

We've been down this path before and she's already said that she wants to get married instead of traveling abroad, but if she's rethinking this, could she be rethinking me?

Am I overreacting? We talked further and she said that she just wants an adventure. Then said she chooses me over the adventure. It's frustrating, its hard. What do I do ?

My concern is we'll be going from physical touch & quality time (both of our love languages) to video of her 1000 miles away over skype. That we won't be able to nature our love languages so we probably won't be where we are now, relationally.

Throw away email: manamerican796@yahoo.com
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
She's right
posted by txmon at 7:51 AM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


It's good that you realize that your love language involves proximity, but that doesn't mean that you can't weather a few months' separation -- that will seem like nothing in the total scope of your relationship, if you're headed for a life together. Either view it as a hardship to be gotten through, and you'll be fine to reconnect when she comes back, or come up with some set of ways to best stay connected while she's gone (Skype, letters or packages, who knows) so that you're not starting from scratch. Either way, she'll be glad she had the adventure (in a rather structured environment), you'll muddle through, and you'll probably be no worse off for the week or two it takes you to get back to where you are now. Don't make this into a deal-breaker on a life-long relationship.

Really, months seem long in college and incredibly short in real life. Let her go.
posted by acm at 7:55 AM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think you, as a couple, need to make a choice. She wants an adventure, but will choose you over that. Will she resent you later for that? You have to ask her to be honest about it.

You don't think you'll be able to handle being newly-married to someone who is so far away. Can you adjust that? Can you move to where she is while she studies abroad? Why is one semester's worth of giving-up-what-you're-doing-here not worth it, if that's not something you want to do?

You don't have to get married right away. You can stay engaged while she's away. Getting married so quickly might be perfect for you, but in my opinion, this bit of trouble shows that you're probably rushing into it a bit too quickly.
posted by xingcat at 7:55 AM on July 13, 2012


In love less than a year...you may be rushing wedding talk. You haven't experienced much of each other yet. Time apart should be clarifying, not terrifying.
posted by agregoli at 7:55 AM on July 13, 2012 [24 favorites]


I don't see why she can't have both traveling abroad and getting married?

Is it hard when you are in a long distance relationship? Yes. But, you two can get through this distance through Skype conversations, phone calls, letters, or possibly even visiting her at one point.

While you two will be far apart from each other, if your relationship is strong enough then it can overcome the physical distance.

As it stands, I don't think she's calling off the wedding. Instead, I think she's trying to say that if you two aren't able to handle some physical distance then you aren't READY to get married.

Which, if you think about it is understandable, especially because relationships involve a lot of obstacles, sometimes physical distance, and even emotional distance.

Support her decision and realize that she will miss you just as much, but sometimes you need to do things on your own while in a relationship and this seems to be one of those things.
posted by livinglearning at 7:58 AM on July 13, 2012 [10 favorites]


The study abroad decision does not need to be such a big deal. It's just a few months, which is nothing next to the rest of your lives. You're turning it into a big deal with your overreaction.
posted by John Cohen at 8:00 AM on July 13, 2012 [13 favorites]


Not wanting her to be far away is one thing.
Preventing her from acting on her desire for adventure is another.

Married couples need to support each other, or the marriage won't work because one partner will always feel regretful or resentful. For her, it sounds like this means supporting her desire to travel and have adventures. For you, it sounds like this means maintaining physical closeness. I think this is a test for you as a couple: can you figure out a way that you can both either get what you want, or come to a compromise that you can both live with and not resent?

I think found that travel can be a sticking point for many couples -- when one has wanderlust and the other doesn't, it can be difficult to navigate. "You're so boring, why don't you want to broaden your horizons?" "Why can't you just be satisfied with our life at home?" It's good to figure out how to deal with this (or whether you can deal with this) now, before you get married.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:07 AM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I've been away from my wife from 6 months to a full year at various intervals. There's always a getting reacquainted process, but it's not all that difficult. If your relationship can't manage a few months away, you don't need to get married.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:07 AM on July 13, 2012 [11 favorites]


I agree, I think she's right. If you are planning on spending the rest of your lives together then there may well be times when circumstances necessitate you spending even a few months apart. It happens.

There's no need to rush getting married. You can always get married later. Studying abroad, however, is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I am NOT having a go at you here but I would like to gently suggest that you might be being a bit controlling by telling her that you don't want her to go away for a semester. What I mean is, of course it's fine for you to say that you're sad about it and that you'll really miss her. However, actively trying to get her not to go seems to me like you're putting your needs before hers. You are framing it that it's for the good of the relationship, and maybe it is, but it's still an enormous sacrifice to ask of someone. If your relationship is strong enough for the two of you to be planning to get married, it had better to be strong enough to stand a couple of months apart.
posted by rubbish bin night at 8:08 AM on July 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


My fiancée and I had to do 9 months of long distance starting 4 months after we began dating. She'd already had plans to go back to school in another country when we started dating and there was no way she was going to back out of it, nor did I want her to. We skyped daily, managed to visit one another a few times, and had a good chunk of time together at Christmas (so really, it was actually consecutive 4-month breaks with a big visit in the middle) and we've found that we're WAY stronger since she moved back in May. We're getting married this September and have never felt so rock-solid. And I need to be in physical contact with her constantly. It kills me when I can't hold her hand.

So let her do it. I can almost guarantee that you're buying yourself future resentment if she stays for you.
posted by fso at 8:09 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years; for three months of that I was in the middle of West Africa with literally no means for communication (5 minutes of staticky satellite phone every two or three weeks not withstanding). I am in the process of planning a full year's trip to the same place to do fieldwork in the same place. This is my education and my career planning. My boyfriend has to be able to accept that there will be times when we are unable to communicate and when we will be in very different places. This is going to be a lifelong thing - not usually for a full year, but anyway. Travel for fieldwork is a necessity for me and one of the things I love about him is that he understands and doesn't want to stifle me or keep me from advancing in my career, and we make sacrifices and compromises for eachother. I hate being away from him, too, but I love what I do. If it turns out that he can't work with my need for independence, travel, and occasional physical distance then we are not going to have a successful relationship and it will suck, but we'd need to break up. I can't sacrifice my dreams in a compromise.

I don't think that your fiancee is necessarily reevaluating you - I think she's reevaluating what she wants from life and in what order. Were I in your fiancee's position - deciding not to study abroad in the throes of a new and amazing relationship, given some time and imposing , I might think again about what my immediate priorities versus my longterm priorities, and how I could reach a balance between all of them. I wouldn't look at this as "we're calling off the wedding" unless you say "No! Choose between this or me." As someone who maintained a relationship without contact - just think of how lucky you two will be to be able to skype and e-mail eachother!
posted by ChuraChura at 8:24 AM on July 13, 2012


As it stands, I don't think she's calling off the wedding. Instead, I think she's trying to say that if you two aren't able to handle some physical distance then you aren't READY to get married.

That is the likely scenario, but on the other hand, some people, as much as they love their SO, are very independent and really need their alone time. Other people are, for lack of brain cells to think of another term without the negative connotations, needier. As the person planning to study abroad, I would assume that you fiancee is the more independent of the pair of you. Personally if my fiance reacted as you did regarding going away for one semester before we were even married, I'd definitely need some time out to rethink the marriage. And it's not because the response is wrong per se, just that for someone who wants to maintain a bit of independence, it might be a big red flag that this relationship isn't actually going to be a great fit in the long term.

Also FWIW, I dated someone for 8 years, 5 of which were spent thousands of miles apart (literally DC/London). I would agree that it is a far from ideal situation for most couples, especially for that period of time. But we remained close through phone calls and emails in between really wonderful visits (and yes the relationship did eventually peter out, but we always kinda knew that we weren't going to end up married or even living together). So your statement that you wouldn't be as close after the separation is not empirically true, at least not for everyone. I would agree that there is a period, whether it's a day or a week, where you need to readjust to the person being around again, but it wasn't necessarily awkward or bad. Of course YMMV.
posted by kaybdc at 8:24 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


You shouldn't get married anytime soon. You have so much time to figure things out. Less than a year might as well be less than a day. Sounds like the time apart will be good for both of you.
posted by moammargaret at 8:26 AM on July 13, 2012


I agree with her. There are so many things that change during the course of a relationship, and so many unforeseeable contingencies. Being apart for a few months seems to me among the least of these. While it's good to understand that your love languages impact your relationship, it's also important to know that you can accommodate love languages in other ways that may not be immediately obvious.

Spend some time getting to know her, but more importantly, yourself, in deeper ways.

And take a second to watch Sliding vs Deciding on YouTube. Consider whether this engagement is about wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone, or is it about this being the next step in a relationship that is moving quickly?

The opportunity to travel is for her a big thing, and as Scott Stanley says, "your love life is not neutral." In this case, you are asking her to remove a huge opportunity, both professional and personal, as well as educational.
posted by bilabial at 8:34 AM on July 13, 2012


Am I overreacting? We talked further and she said that she just wants an adventure. Then said she chooses me over the adventure. It's frustrating, its hard. What do I do ?

It's normal for people to want to spend a semester studying abroad. It's not normal to decide to give that up just because you're getting married in the future. Your fianceé had a preexisting life and academic agenda before she met you. Just because you got together doesn't mean the rest of her plans and expectations went away.

You're posing this as though one should "choose love over adventure." Are you sure you're not just making excuses for the fact that you're not very adventurous and wouldn't have done any of that, anyway, and you're resentful that your fianceé feels differently?

Both of you obviously want to get married. The trick is to figure how to fit those plans and your impending marriage into the visions you have for your futures and what you want to do and experience.
posted by deanc at 8:37 AM on July 13, 2012 [7 favorites]


Both of you are right.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:45 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


She's absolutely right. Long-distance relationships usually don't work well, and on top of that more normal relationships that result in breaking up do so at the 6 month or the 12 month mark, so you're basically playing double jeopardy.

Based solely on those two facts, I don't give your relationship good odds of surviving. (Although I hasten to point out that this is based exclusively on statistics and I can't factor in any of the specific details exclusive to your relationship, which could easily be an outlier.) That means that marriage is the last thing you should be thinking of; I recommend concentrating instead on ways to make your relationship survive her prolonged absence. It'll be hard enough to do that even without the added pressure of being newlyweds. And, if the worst scenario comes to pass, breakups are way easier than divorce.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 8:51 AM on July 13, 2012


Are you rigt to be concerned and voice that concern? Yes.

Is the extended time apart a surmountable obstacle? Probably.

Is she right to distort your concern to an extreme as way of countering it? Absolutely not.

If you are concerned, she should want to help allay your concern. Similarly, you should be looking for a way to find a way for her to do this thing that is important to her while feeling comfortable with it.
posted by Good Brain at 8:51 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


We spend almost everyday together now, we do not live together but are living very close. Am I overreacting about her wanting to move very far away?

Personally I wouldn't want to marry someone unless I'd lived with them - how do you know how you'll get on 24/7? Of course there may be reasons for you that don't exist for me.

I once worked with a guy whose relationship with his girlfriend was always long distance - first for study, then for his year abroad, then while he moved for work while she finished her degree. They are now married, so it can happen, but I bet if one of them has said 'it's moving away or marriage' it wouldn'tve.

You've not been together for a year yet. It's a long life. See what happens. Let her do what she wants, because you can't marry someone and expect them not to do so. If you really can't handle that, then perhaps it's just not your time to get married to someone.
posted by mippy at 9:12 AM on July 13, 2012


Also, can you clarify what you mean by 'love languages'? You're saying you can only stay close via spending time together in person and/or physical contact? Sorry, I don't know this term.
posted by mippy at 9:15 AM on July 13, 2012


Set aside the self-help love language stuff for a minute, and boil this down: she wants to travel abroad, you want her to stay at home.

If you get your way, she'll resent it (either intentionally, or unintentionally). If she goes abroad, you will have a few months apart; if your love is as strong as you say, everything else will be fine. I agree with her: if her living her life and being happy conflicts with your belief in your closeness, you aren't ready to be married.

Married life means constant compromise, and often life requires less than ideal situations. You make a marriage work by finding ways that give equitable amounts of freedom and satisfaction to both partners, and when something comes up that requires compromise, you should both be automatically leaning towards being the one to compromise in favor of your partner's happiness. I see her doing so here, but not you.
posted by ellF at 9:31 AM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


The book The Five Love Languages is very helpful as a description of how couples can get into patterns of miscommunication, but it isn't meant to be a prescription (or worse, a proscription!)

Expressing concern or anxiety about how difficult it's going to be when you and your fiancée are apart is healthy. Trying to guilt her out of going is not. Do your own work to come to terms with the separation.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:35 AM on July 13, 2012


Oh, and the answer to your question of "what should I do?" is "stop trying to control her, and stop giving her ultimatums."

Ultimatums are for when partners are doing something harmful or abusive, like addictions or reckless spending. They're not for positive choices that may come with some discomfort or inconvenience, like a semester abroad.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:40 AM on July 13, 2012


One semester is a really short period of time. If you're planning to be together the rest of your life, this is likely not the toughest thing you're going to have to get through together, by a long chalk.

Also, presumably you knew she wanted to do this when you got engaged - what's changed? Were you secretly hoping she'd change her plans and stay home because you got engaged? Don't know if that's true or not, just throwing it out there.
posted by penguin pie at 9:49 AM on July 13, 2012


I capitulated to my now-husband's desires that I not travel on a Fulbright (the year before our wedding). He voiced the same concerns you have voiced to your fiancee and I listened. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
posted by tidecat at 10:08 AM on July 13, 2012 [5 favorites]


When I was in college, my girlfriend was thinking of spending her whole junior year abroad. I reacted very badly. She ended up not going, and we stayed together for more than a year after that. Still, I think that my reaction irreparably damaged our relationship, and was a major contributor to our breaking up later. Whether or not that's true, it certainly wasn't my finest hour.

Also, you guys are in college, have been together less than a year, and are getting married? I would really urge you to consider having a very long engagement. At least a year, probably more.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:09 AM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


One of the best things about study abroad is that for many people, it's a (pardon the term) "broadening" experience - particpants learn and grow and develop new appreciations and new knowledge and experiences. If she has the opportunity to do this, you are trading a few months of time for a woman who very likely will come back wiser and more thoughtful for the rest of her life. Why would that be a bad bargain? Please don't clip her wings - that is a bad way to start a lifetime together.
posted by pointystick at 10:23 AM on July 13, 2012


If your relationship is strong enough to be considering marriage, it's strong enough to survive 4 months apart, regardless of 'love language'.

It sounds like you're not ready to get married but you're planning to be ready by a certain time (have you set the actual date for the wedding?) and you're concerned that with a 4 month break you wont be ready by the predetermined time. I think unless significant deposits have been paid you should hold off on the wedding planning and let her have her 'adventure' - its an opportunity she may never get again. If you love her, the wedding can wait.
posted by missmagenta at 10:31 AM on July 13, 2012 [2 favorites]


My son got engaged to a lovely girl and right after that she moved to Spain to go to school for a year. They are doing just fine-he is visiting her now but she has also decided to come back early. Point being she left in January, there is Skype, and they trusted each other.


If you can't deal with separation maybe you need to slooooowww dowwwn.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:35 AM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


You just have to see how it goes. It will be hard, and I don't know if it will work out, but you can't or shouldn't ask her not to go.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:37 AM on July 13, 2012


I never studded abroad and still regret it a decade later. Man, I would be so pissed at you for pulling that clingy BS.
posted by scottatdrake at 11:09 AM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


You do not sound remotely emotionally mature enough to be getting married. Let her go and do some work on yourself in the meantime. It'll benefit your relationship with her if you get back together, and it'll benefit you in the long run if you don't.
posted by Hello Darling at 11:52 AM on July 13, 2012


I studied abroad when I was a teenager. My parents are hyper helicopter types who sobbed at the airport when I left. They also insisted I go. They told me I would have memories that I would treasure for the rest of my life, and they were right.

I honestly can not imagine denying someone I love that experience. Your reasons for keeping her at home strike me as selfish and self-serving. You don't want to potentially damage your bond for your own sake, it's not worth the risk for YOU because you won't be the one experiencing another culture, learning and growing from it.

I'm very lucky that my crazy parents had travelling abroad as teenagers and fully realized the benefits of doing it. Your fiancée would be luckier if you did too. I sincerely hope she's mature enough to stick to her guns and go.
posted by Dynex at 12:04 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


Upon second reading this stood out to me:

"Then said she chooses me over the adventure"

Are you telling her if she goes that it will be the end, and her choosing to go means she chose it over you? "Do what I want, or it's over" is a horrible foundation for a relationship.
posted by Dynex at 12:10 PM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


ChuraChura has shared a well written description of other kinds of relationships - those which are built on such a platform of mutual trust and respect, and a strong connection, that each person is free to be "themselves" yet move back and forth between the "couple" and the "individual".

The way my life is going right now, its going to be very similar to her relationship and what I'm already discovering is that what it takes is a commitment to making it work through the offgrid dislocations and the wanderlust but the heart is what is anchored.

Since the two of you have been so close you have probably not developed the sense of "connection" that electronic communication provides in its own way - i.e. if you're emailing thoughts and sharing observations and have a sense of where the other is at in their mental space, it rarely feels like its been a "break" when you've been apart. Its the offgrid that harder and yet, in a way, that is probably why the poets have said that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".

This week I learnt to miss him. That's a first. It will make the rest of the year that much more poignant seeing as how we're more likely to be apart than together but at the same time teh bond and willingness to make it work/be viable is undeniable. I'm not looking forward to the continent hopping I'm going to be doing but lets see where this goes.

One semester is 14 weeks. Let some fresh air blow through your togetherness, you may be surprised at what you learn and come to appreciate.

Or, as the other poet, Hallmark Greetings, said:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was.
posted by infini at 12:12 PM on July 13, 2012


Define "less than a year."

There's a good chance you don't really know each other that well yet. If you can't survive this, you shouldn't get married. Marriage isn't a checkbox - trust me, it's great to find out early if it isn't going to work.

This is what she wants, and you both sound very young, so this is the time to do it. Accept it and work around it. Anything else is just your insecurities at play.
posted by chundo at 12:14 PM on July 13, 2012


When I was in college, I was seriously dating an otherwise very nice guy. I decided to study abroad for a semester (which eventually ended up turning into a whole year because of how great the program was and how I thrived in it - sorry, maybe that's not helpful right now), he expressed concerns similar to yours. He actually said things like, "Well aren't you going to regret missing spring formal" and whatever other "important" activities we had going on. Even at that age, I could understand that the opportunity to study abroad was more important than spring formal and I was shocked that he didn't agree.

We ended up breaking up. You two don't have to break up, but giving her grief about going will cause her to feel guilty and might cause her to rethink your relationship. If you ask her not to go and she complies, she will feel resentment towards you for stifling her sense of adventure and she will regret it, almost certainly. Supporting her for this relatively short period of travel will let her know that you want what's best for her and you want her to grow and develop to her full potential. This is what spouses are for, ideally. If you want to be her spouse, support her.
posted by CheeseLouise at 1:22 PM on July 13, 2012 [3 favorites]


I agree with her. One of the things I love about my husband is that, if I say something like, I've always wanted to go to India, I'm thinking of going for a few weeks, what do you think?, he says something like, that sounds awesome, I'm not interested in going but I want you to have this experience that you want. It's something I try to emulate - if he said, I want to quit my job and try to make it as an actor, I would try to say, if that's what you want, let's try to make it work. If you can't encourage her to follow her dreams, I don't think you should get married because you'll just be holding her back. That's not love. That's being selfish. Why do you want to prevent someone you love from doing something that would make her happy and enrich her life?
posted by kat518 at 2:42 PM on July 13, 2012 [1 favorite]


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