What game is this boy playing?
July 11, 2012 2:34 PM   Subscribe

Help me see clearly and avoid any mis steps; We finally went on our first date (lasted 9 hours) and had plans for a second. I thought for sure he liked me but he ended up canceling the date and hasn't messaged me since. I want to reach out but am sitting on my hands because I don't want to appear needy. Should I reach out or let it be? (More details inside)

The guy I was talking to online for 6 months (!) finally set up a date and it went phenomenally well. It lasted for 9 hours, we laughed, ate, danced, talked and kissed at the end of the night. He asked me out on our second date the same night to do something I had mentioned during the conversation I had always wanted to do. He texted me when I got home, we exchanged 3 texts regarding how well the night went and all seemed well in the world. Then a week passed without any conversation or confirmation (firming up plans such as the time/location) for the second date.

Not wanting to repeat the previous scenario that caused ripples in our progress, I texted him the day before our tentative date asking if we were still on. 3 hours later he replied that he had to work because of a trip he was taking the following week and had to cancel. *I knew about the trip months ago so this is valid. It still seemed like a brush off to me because I wondered if he would have said anything had I not texted him first, or why didn't he tell me before that he wasn't going to be able to make it.... but I know I can be quite sensitive/negative about interpreting guys behaviors so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I replied showing that I was sad but understanding ("awww, maybe some other time then") and wished him a good trip.

So now a week has passed in which he was on his trip, and we haven't been in touch, save a few hits of contact (playing an app game on our phones). It appears he is now back because he logged into the dating site yesterday but hasn't texted/messaged me. I was dying to let him know how much I missed him by sending him a text or email that said "going through withdrawal" but deleted it as I came to my senses that if he had missed me he would have messaged me first as I did when I went away and returned. (Am I having those unreasonable expectations/rules that he isn't aware of again?) It just appears to me that when people are really excited about each other you would be dying to reconnect or see them again.

So, now do I sent the text or just sit on my hands and wait? Do these events read as though he is not interested (maybe he thought he was and changed his mind?!)

Sigh. I am so exasperated with this one mainly because I really like him and think he likes me too, but then am not so sure. Meeting him in person confirmed that he is the shy/nerdy type so I don't know if I should chalk it up to that or stop lying to myself and take the hint that he he is just not that into me or he would be doing way more. After 6 months of constant contact I feel like we had a connection but now I feel like hmm, I don't know this guy - it's only been one date - don't get your hopes up etc. Yet, I can't shake how badly I want this to work...

Please talk some sense into me - help me see clearly!
posted by soooo to Human Relations (45 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
Send him a message asking how his trip went, and suggesting another get together if he has time.

If he blows you off from this one, he is not interested.
posted by sparklemotion at 2:37 PM on July 11, 2012 [19 favorites]


i think you should also go back on that dating site- so he might also note it. plus you might go on some more dates. if he gets back to you later, you'll be more confident and in a better place to not let him take you lightly. so i'm saying you don't have to write her off completely, just temporarily. go meet some other people and reassess situation in a month! if by then he hasn't responded to you, you can send him something then.
posted by saraindc at 2:39 PM on July 11, 2012 [4 favorites]


Send him a text. Keep it low-key, but let him know you're interested. Something like "Hoping for a rain check on that date. Let me know when is good for you."

If he continues to waffle, move on.

Also, I would strongly recommend against communicating electronically for six months before actually going on a date. For that matter, I'd recommend against communicating electronically for six days. Just meet. Our online personas are not the same as who we are in person—sometimes they're wildly different. You want to be interacting with people as they are in person.
posted by adamrice at 2:39 PM on July 11, 2012 [16 favorites]


Let it be. Forget about him.
posted by discopolo at 2:43 PM on July 11, 2012 [4 favorites]


You know how they say there are plenty of fish in the sea?

It's a really big effin' sea, and our collective mistake is that we end up fishing from really tiny boats.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:46 PM on July 11, 2012 [10 favorites]


It takes seconds to send a "thinking of you" text. Why chase someone who can't bother to do that, or follow through on a date he proposed.

We live in a weird ass society where we do not explicitly tell dates how we feel, merely hint at it. He may have explicetly told you he had a good time but his actions since have told you how he really feels.
posted by munchingzombie at 2:51 PM on July 11, 2012 [10 favorites]


Oh man, this is tough.

On the one hand I want to say, "don't worry about games - who cares about seeming needy! If that's what you need he should know upfront! Don't be ashamed!"

On the other hand, interested guys don't behave like this, unless they're playing mind games. Do you want to bother needing a guy who is either 1. uninterested in you or 2. interested in playing mind games?

On the third hand, it's been one date. In my opinion you're spending a disproportionate amount of time seriously thinking about this person versus actual relationship status. Speaking from experience, in a few weeks you'll be pissed at yourself for wasting so much time agonizing over this instead of just reading a book or taking a bike ride or something.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 2:51 PM on July 11, 2012 [6 favorites]


he's either not interested or flaky. blow this guy off and move on.
posted by facetious at 2:53 PM on July 11, 2012 [4 favorites]


If you're prepared to be ignored or stood up, you should text or email just to say hey. But in general I subscribe to the "if he wanted to see you, he would" theory. I went on a LOT of first dates with online people that went JUST LIKE THIS. The one who is still my boyfriend after 5 years called me when he said he would. Sorry, dude. I hate this for you!
posted by masquesoporfavor at 2:58 PM on July 11, 2012 [12 favorites]


You are done here. Walk away.

- I think this guys a jerk, and you should, too. Really? You had to track him down to find out your date was cancelled?? Ugh.

I want you to remember this feeling you are having. Whether on purpose or through thoughtlessness, this guy is whitholding attention from you and it is making you positively ache for him. But it is a trick! "Witholding" is just a trick! Don't fall for it, sister. You're worth A LOT more than this.

I hope now you can see this situation for what it is. I hope this helps you shrug it off and move forward.

Mostly, I hope you are now inoculated against this emotional trickery in the future.

It's not you, it's him. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 2:59 PM on July 11, 2012 [32 favorites]


I would agree with what others have said. One more chance, a casual text asking how his trip went. If he isn't interested, it won't change anything, and at least you will have some closure. If he has been flaking because of social anxiety or otherwise or was legitimately busy, then yay and go on your second date and see how it goes.

But yeah if he seems unwilling to stay in touch, or reschedule your second date I would say to move on. It will stink because you've wasted 6 months talking to this guy, but putting up with that kind of hot and cold treatment is only going to make it worse in the long run. Plus as Cool Papa Bell said - there are lots of fish in that big ole sea. Have fun with it!
posted by Quincy at 3:00 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


You have gotten attached too quickly. I highly recommend the book Attached, which really helped me see that this is exactly what I do. I know this feeling- the "limerence," the obsession, the aching desire to know what is going on, all too well. On his end there are a variety of things that could have happened- got back together with ex while on his trip, feeling ambivalent about dating, death in the family. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. What matters is not investing yourself and your emotions in people who have no stake in your life beyond talking online and having been on one cool date. That's a bad idea. You are giving someone who has very little concrete ties to you way too much power over your happiness. You need to be going on other dates with other people and keeping yourself busy with other things. And also you need to be aware that this anxious behavior is your attachment style and you do not do very well with dating people who are "avoidant" in their attachment style.
posted by melissam at 3:05 PM on July 11, 2012 [16 favorites]


This guy made you chase him down to blow you off. Who cares about his opinion of you? Start focusing on your opinion of him and his behavior. Because, from where I stand, he seems like a flaky, immature jerk and you have every right to view him as such. He doesn't deserve anymore chances and you should forget about him.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:05 PM on July 11, 2012 [11 favorites]


Do not send one more text.

Why?

Because you should demonstrate to yourself that anyone who blows you off like this is, by design, not worth your valuable time, effort, or attention.

Simultaneously, make an effort to cease fabricating excuses and motives for people who do not follow through. Train yourself to only find people who are consistent and interested as attractive. Train yourself to find flakiness and a lack of effort as supremely unattractive.

Best to you. This was a great learning experience, if you want to take it that way - and I hope you do.

No one finds a great partner until they stop putting up with shenanigans like this. You are one step closer now. Yay!
posted by jbenben at 3:08 PM on July 11, 2012 [39 favorites]


He's the one who canceled, therefore it's up to him to rearrange. And yes, if he wants to see you he will get his finger out.

I agree that if you had to chase him to get him to cancel, you're not going to have any luck chasing him to get him to actually make a date. I think you should really go dark between dates, but I also don't think you're between dates - sorry.

Also: in contact online for six months? And your first date lasted nine hours? Too long before first date, and too long first date. I also think this guy is more into stringing people along than anything else. I fucking hate cat stringers in all areas of life, and they get no mercy in the world of me, but unfortunately you might have to learn this through experience.

If you can force yourself, please do go on the dating site and fish around some more. If he sees you, he'll just have to take it. If he messages you, you don't need to respond - you're talking to someone and you are not the kind of girl who uses call waiting. This is different from if he contacts you directly, rather than through the site - he's on the site and it's not for you, so toy can be on the site and it's not for him either and you won't be interrupted by someone who knows perfectly well how to contact you.
posted by tel3path at 3:10 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


I agree with everyone. This guy doesn't even have the consideration to let you know that he's planning to break your date without being asked directly? He is already treating you poorly at a time when everyone is theoretically on their best behavior. Don't bother chasing this guy any further. I would focus on meeting someone else who considers you worth the effort of basic courtesy.
posted by anonnymoose at 3:11 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


P.S. Just to echo others--this is about HIM, not YOU. Do not beg for the crumbs of his attention! It starts a bad pattern and you deserve to date people who give freely of their time because they like you.
posted by anonnymoose at 3:13 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


I can't address the six months of online talking or conventions of text etiquette, but I can explain why (as a guy) I have bailed on a woman after a first date that seemingly went very well.

1. I was considering cheating but decided to give my existing relationship another try.
2. I met another woman who seemed more promising and decided to pursue her instead.

Now in each of these situations, I at least called the women and let them know not to expect another date (telling white lies as necessary). Do you see how bad it is now? Even a quasi-cheater and semi-player (or trader-upper?) treats women better than the way this guy is treating you.
posted by 99percentfake at 3:17 PM on July 11, 2012 [14 favorites]


I texted him the day before our tentative date asking if we were still on. 3 hours later he replied that he had to work because of a trip he was taking the following week and had to cancel.

This is at best very bad manners and incredibly annoying. Even if he was great otherwise, this kind of ineptitude at making plans (assuming that's what it is, and not just him blowing you off) could cause real conflicts down the line.

And I agree with everyone saying you're too attached but I can also completely see how that happened - six months of contact online and then nine hours of romance? Seriously I know of people who've gotten married shortly after a beginning like that, so I don't blame you for being so invested in it. Just don't get in any deeper than you already are, or it will feel even worse.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 3:20 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm going to side with the naysayers here. Exponentially undervalued: the doing what will keep us in good graces with ourselves. In this situation, sounds like the terrain is not on mutual terrain, and thus slippery and I am not saying everyone needs to be all Stuart Smalley with us in the process of dating, but this person doesn't inspire a metric ton of trust. Just as a person. Consistency when getting to know people, and being in relationship, is important. That is not mutually exclusive from spontaneity and fun.

Stay in your good graces. That's what really matters. I value is being able to bloom in someone's company. This person is stomping all over your blooming. Really? No.

And, yes, it sucks to like someone and not have it work out. But, you are in a golden window of time where it's all about you. Follow yourself back out of there and keep your compass set to real love. I don't presume to know how you were feeling, love, like, likelove, lovelike, whatever. But real care, and genuine interest, follow similar paths.
posted by simulacra at 3:22 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


Two edits:
1) "I value" should read, "What I value..."; and
2) "...terrain is not..." to something like, "terrain is not on mutual ground."

posted by simulacra at 3:26 PM on July 11, 2012


I'm of two minds here.

I've been in almost this exact situation. I met someone via online dating, we got along famously, there was some very powerful kissin', I thought I had met The One, we made second date plans right away, went on an equally fun second date, and then... radio silence. Never heard from the guy again. Even after repeated "hey there, what's going on?" type texts. From that, my best advice for you is, move on, don't sweat it, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. If this guy wasn't that into you, why bother obsessing over it?

On the other hand? It's been a couple weeks since your first date, and he's been occupied by a heavier than usual workload and travel in the meantime. It's sort of rude that he flaked on your other date, but I've done similar things when I've bitten off more than I could chew socially during a stressful period at work. Maybe give him time to get home, relax a little, have some breathing room? If you don't hear from him in two more weeks, then it's time to worry that Something Is Wrong.

Also, it's been one date. I'd find it unusual if I were in a similar situation and the dude texted me from his travels saying he missed me. You've met him exactly one time before!

One more thing -- this is a textbook Online Dating 101 reason not to have a 6 month online relationship with someone without meeting them. You're now stuck in some very serious and committed relationship head space, but also at the same time you've been on one date. You've muddled everything up and it's impossible to have any notion of how this is all supposed to work. Next time, don't do this. Meet as soon as possible. If you won't be able to meet for six months, then it's not meant to be.
posted by Sara C. at 3:30 PM on July 11, 2012 [5 favorites]


I'm not going to scold you for the 6 months online thing; no matter what anyone says, there are no rules in dating. Except: respect yourself. That's the only one that really counts.

He must have some good qualities, or you wouldn't have dated him. Unfortunately, his less good qualities won and he's acting like a douchebag. He may have his reasons, traumas, psychological issues, but he needs to deal with them or not. In the meantime, you don't deserve to be dumped on like that. You deserve someone who respects your time and your feelings enough to pick up a fucking phone, or to not string you along in the first place.

Life is short and the ocean is big. Keep looking.
posted by emjaybee at 3:53 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]


Aw, hon. I'll repeat what I've had to tell friends, Mefites and myself, with varying degrees of painfulness: if a guy is really, REALLY into you, he'll move heaven and earth to stay in contact with you in SOME way. If he ain't, he won't. Barring extraordinary circumstances - like, say, being at war - that's all there is to it.
posted by julthumbscrew at 4:04 PM on July 11, 2012 [10 favorites]


When I was dating, any time I found myself obsessing over what texts meant or making reasons or why it had been two weeks and nothing, I knew it was time to move on. I decided never to date anyone who played games or whose motives I was constantly questioning. Why? Because someone who is interested will let you know. In fact, they'll be crystal clear because they won't want to lose you. Consider how you're acting when you're keen. You're keeping in touch, letting him know you're available and thinking of him. Someone who feels the same way would be doing it back, trip or no trip. He's not. Hold out for someone who will. You deserve it.
posted by Jubey at 4:05 PM on July 11, 2012 [10 favorites]


Maybe he met someone else. Maybe he realizes that he’s not up for dating right now. Maybe his workload is too much. There are a million reasons why he’s not talking to you and none of them matter. It has been at least a week (possibly two?) with essentially no contact. It’s time to move on.

I don’t see any real harm in sending one last text or message as long as you keep it light but don’t be surprised if you never hear from him again.

When I was doing the online dating thing, I would say something to the woman if we had been going out for a few dates and I wasn’t feeling it but I would do the radio silence thing (and had it done to me) if we only went out on a date or two. There were a handful of women who did that to me after what I thought was a phenomenal first date and I was completely baffled when I never heard from them again but there’s no point in giving them free rent in your headspace.

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable but you may want to reconsider the six month thing next time for exactly this reason. Personally, if I was frequently messaging a woman and we didn’t make plans to meet within a few weeks, I would move on.

It sucks to be rejected but don’t despair. His loss!
posted by Diskeater at 4:09 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


I too have been in this exact situation. Grr! What. Is. Wrong. With. People? So so so frustrating, not to mention just plain rude. I just have to believe that no matter what, this start is not a good harbinger of things to come. At the very least, he's got communication issues. DOUBLE CAPPED GRR GRR.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:31 PM on July 11, 2012


I remember your previous questions, and not to sound harsh, but I think you have to have a hard reboot in the dating department. In the past 4 months you have been hung up on two different guys who were essentially unavailable and expressing disinterest (albeit in different ways). I understand why this is incredibly painful, but you can stop future pain by not banging your head against this same wall.

I used to have a horrible "picker" in the men department. When I finally had enough, I stepped out of the dating pool and got counseling to figure out why I chose essentially the same type of guy over and over and over again to my detriment.

I don't know you at all other than what you have posted here, but I think this might be a good option for you. And I agree with all of the others who said not to contact him and to let go.
posted by murrey at 4:55 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


It sounds to me like he met someone in the week/became less interested (perhaps because you didn't contact him either?) after your first date (but before his trip) but isn't willing to definitively cut you loose yet. Even if this isn't true, and he is just being shy, you already feel like you're chasing him which makes you feel bad. Even if you text him, and he answers, I think you'd still have doubts. So, why bother?


My question to you is what are you doing in the meantime? Are you still going on dates?
posted by sm1tten at 5:27 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


So, I think you can text him -- once -- to say "hey, how was your trip, and when are we going on our second date" without seeming too needy or clingy at this point.

I actually can't tell if he's been back from his trip for a week, or if he's been on his trip for a week, and I think it makes a difference in terms of whether we should have expected him to get in touch with you in that time. I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to expect a "hey I miss you" text while he's away on the trip after one date.

All that said, I suspect something is up. Flaking on your second date and not telling you about it until you pressed him to confirm you were still on is a big red flag. I don't know if he's more interested in someone else, if he has a lot of shit going on, if he realized he's just not that into you, or what... but it implies something like that to me. Taking six months to finally meet you is another big red flag, for that matter.

Now, all that said, what I really think you should do is: whatever will help you get over this. If you need to text him to give yourself some kind of closure, do it. But if you don't, I wouldn't. Maybe he contacts you for a second date in a couple days, and if you're still into him, great, but I don't think that right now caring whether that happens is a good place for you to be.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:38 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I think he got back from his trip on Sunday - but since he logged on to the dating site yesterday, I would say he could have gotten back yesterday the latest.

Also, the 6 months thing - I know it's terrible - but to be fair he did try to ask me out a couple of times, albeit very passively/not straightforward enough and I didn't take the bait... yet he kept on talking to me and showing interest. So we have had a bit of choppy and weird start.

Yes, I am still going out on dates. I have a (second) date with another guy tomorrow night and have 2 other guys I am speaking to / dating at the moment. I am still throwing out bait on the dating site but sad to say, my heart is with this guy and I am kicking myself because I was trying not to get too attached!
posted by soooo at 7:42 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am just getting back into dating after a pretty horrible breaking-of-the-heart. I was super hesitant to go on that first one, but I bit the bullet, had a SUPER GREAT time with the guy, he kept saying he thought I was awesome and great, and we planned to hang out again. Then after a couple more days, radio silence. I panicked, for about two days. It stopped after two days because I remembered something pretty important:

I don't want to be with a person who 1) doesn't want to be with me, 2) isn't adult enough to be up front with me about how he really feels, and 3) can't take two seconds to say hello.

It was easy to drop my interest in the guy after I remembered that, and by the time he ended up texting me a while later to say "oh hey sorry, I met this other girl I really like, but I thought you were so awesome and funny and just didn't want to leave you hanging" I had already stopped caring and it made me laugh out loud to think that he thought I would still be "hanging" on to something about him.

When you start approaching dating as a way to find someone who's right for YOU, not a way to be right for someone ELSE, you start having a lot more freedom from needing the validation/reciprocity of someone else, and can concentrate on finding what you really need. :)
posted by so_gracefully at 7:44 PM on July 11, 2012 [25 favorites]


very passively/not straightforward enough and I didn't take the bait... yet he kept on talking to me and showing interest. So we have had a bit of choppy and weird start.

Whoa. What?

Yeah, this is rule #2 of Online Dating 101.

If you have a lot of back and forth contact with someone on a dating site, but they never initiate plans to physically meet, that means they're not into you. Period. Full Stop.

When you said this had gone on for six months, I assumed you had some kind of torrid skype relationship because he was living across the country or overseas or something. Not that you batted messages back and forth like a six month tennis match, but the subject of meeting never really came up.

If this boy liked you, he would have asked you out five and a half months ago. Sorry. You should probably cut your losses and move on.
posted by Sara C. at 8:03 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


With all kindness, the "my heart is with this guy" is a pretty counterproductive way of doing a first date. You had a tremendously fun first date and then all indications are that he lost interest. This happens.

So what can you do differently in the future? You can manage your expectations differently. Also try to be less engaged in what he's doing on the dating site? (I remember that you can't block other members' activity from one of your earlier questions, but can you minimize that window or anything that would keep him off your radar when you're on the site?)

Best of luck to you. I know this is all stressful, and it sucks when what seems like a great connection doesn't go anywhere.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:22 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]


If this is the same guy you had the miscommunication with about going to the circus, where you told him he wasn't enthusiastic enough or whatever it was, something seemed off about his communication style from that question, and honestly even though you had fun on the date I doubt you guys are meant to be.

If this is another guy entirely, just ignore what I said.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:26 PM on July 11, 2012


From reading this and your last question, it really sounds like this guy is not available at all, and possible dating someone else (multiple?). move on.
posted by bearette at 9:04 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ugh, I remember your previous questions. You're still hung up on this guy? Please, please move on. Whatever else, one thing is abundantly clear: this guy does not want to date you. If he wanted to date you, he would. It's not that hard to make plans to go on dates with someone you want to date.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:23 PM on July 11, 2012 [6 favorites]


I went back and read your other questions and, I have to be honest, I became progressively more concerned about you after each post (I read them chronologically).

It's hard but the guy in question doesn't want to hang out with you. He should go into your 'no contact' pile as soon as possible (the sooner the better for your ego).

How do you take your mind off a guy when you've got an urge to be obsessive? The most basic advice I can give you is to go find other things to do besides dating. I'm not saying stop dating, I'm saying don't dedicate your life to staring at email boxes, tracking logins/views and quickly responding to any direct contact from a potential romantic partner. You seem incredibly needy, overly anxious and hopelessly codependant. The qualities you're exhibiting have a tendency to result in relationships with freeloading, abusive and/or all around not-good-for-you relationships.

Maybe you're not ready to date? I'm convinced that the secret to life is being happy alone. Are you happy being alone? Do you have enough activities and non-romantic relationships in your life to fulfill and support you?
posted by shew at 11:00 PM on July 11, 2012 [5 favorites]


On a hunch, I looked up your previous AskMe's - and they were exactly as I suspected. You have torrid online relationships for months, get really emotionally invested, then are crushed when you meet in person and both people's fantasy doesn't live up to the reality. This is not normal, and based on how it affects you it is certainly not healthy.

What "normal" people do on dating sites is exchange a couple of e-mails, arrange to meet in person and see if there's chemistry - and then if there's not a mutual attraction on both ends (which happens 90 -96% of the time, according to some standards) they move on. They don't think about it for weeks later because it's not a big deal for them: they haven't invested months into talking to this person, just a couple of e-mails.

The problem is that you are (whether by accident or design) what I refer to as a "game-player" - you make it so difficult to meet you in person that the only other people with the patience to swap e-mails with you for 4-6 months will be other "game-players" - and they will almost certainly be romancing other people at the same time... since nobody wants to spend five months exclusively investing emotional energy in somebody who could (for all they know) be a fat man living in his mom's basement and pretending to be a girl online for various odd reasons. I strongly recommend that you try meeting somebody after three emails inside of having five months of online fantasies about them. Also, perhaps it might be a good idea for your first date to be coffee for an hour instead of a nine-hour marathon date.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 4:51 AM on July 12, 2012 [7 favorites]


So, first:

I have been this guy. I actually had a date with a guy from OKCupid a few years ago that went exactly like this - or probably did from his side.

We chatted online for a while - possibly even months, because I was super busy, and then he was busy. We finally made time for a date.

He wasn't that attractive physically, but he was really fun. I enjoyed hanging out with him, so I kept doing it, because what the hell, I'd already got babysitting for the night, why not? Thus, our "first date" probably did take up about nine hours. It was all incredibly fun - he took me great places, cool little hidden spots, and we had great conversation and were having drinks. We talked about next dates we'd like to go on.

Then somehow it was time for us to go home and he kissed me and there was just zero fucking chemistry. None. And it's a little late to call after the other person, "Hey, it just didn't work for me!" as they're leaving.

So you go home. And when you go home, you start thinking, "But I had a great time! Maybe the chemistry can be improved with time!" And then you meet someone else. And you're really attracted to them. And you leave that first relationship down like gangbusters.

I've never actually stood anyone up this way, though, but I have not always made it clear I was no longer interested. So the guy often kept texting me. "I'm going to be hanging out here. If you want to stop by, you're invited!" "I'm having a party! If you want, you're invited!" And I'd see these texts, and kind of cringe, because I didn't have a good reason for not wanting to date the guy again other than "you're just not that attractive," so I didn't know how to explain, and was so stressed that I didn't want to spend the time having that conversation with someone I'd gone on one date with.


Looking at your other questions: I notice you're kind of a bit...attached to people. This may be something to work on.
posted by corb at 2:30 PM on July 12, 2012


Response by poster: Yes, its the same guy and to be clear he is the only one who I've spoken to online for a long time before meeting. All the other guys I've met right away, and haven't felt anything, obsessed or cared if they never called back. So it's not a pattern. I think the only reason I grew attached to him is because he was consistently talking to me/showing me attention over the months and the "time" I invested myself in "getting to know him".

So, I decided I wouldn't text him and just wait to see what he does... actually I deleted his number completely so I couldn't text him if I wanted to. He hasn't emailed/called/texted but he did make a move in the app game today that we are known to play with each other. Yet, no note in the game. Does this warrant me saying welcome back and asking how his trip was (in the game)? I don't want to read too much into such a small action (trying to get better at this overthinking stuff!) I guess I'm just second guessing that he may be over there stewing that I haven't said anything to him since he's been back because he did mention how long he'd be gone for - people's perspectives and perception of things are SO different it's amazing! I don't even know anymore.
posted by soooo at 7:49 AM on July 13, 2012


Dude. I'm going to be somewhat harsh here. There's nothing TO overthink. There's no "differing perceptions" thing. Making a move in an app game does NOT indicate ANYTHING AT ALL. It's something you do with anyone, unthinkingly, that you can do while half-asleep. He's not over there stewing because he's NOT that interested in you. I cannot say it often enough: people, especially women, are really, really awesome at coming up with elaborate excuses for other peoples' shitty behavior. "Oh, he's not disinterested... he's just [stewing/depressed/kidnapped by pirates/a special little flower]!" No. If he's interested and not mentally ill, he WILL MAKE THE EFFORT. If he doesn't, he isn't. Full stop.
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:24 AM on July 13, 2012 [4 favorites]


1. He's not that into you. It's time to move on.

2. If you must, send him a message saying "hey, welcome back! Want to meet for coffee/beer/dinner and tell me about your trip?" If he wants to meet up, he'll respond. If not, he won't. End of story.
posted by Diskeater at 3:33 PM on July 13, 2012


This is how he acts at the beginning of a relationship, when he's showing you his best side. This is him looking as attentive, interested, and attractive as he can be. Is this really what you want to settle for?
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:49 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: You were all so right and I feel pretty silly right about now. I played my last move and sent him a message in the game saying welcome back and asking how his trip went yesterday. Hasn't responded yet was on the dating site again today so I just deleted him from the game and that was the final tie. I no longer have his number and refuse to send him any emails. I guess he made the move just so we could wrap up the game and be done with each other.

I will keep my eyes open moving forward for the red flags and do my very best not to repeat the same mistake again (if a guy waits so long to ask me out or has a problem asking me out directly, that should tell me all I need to know. Shy my a$s). I kept harping on how he was in the very beginning, so sweet and attentive and all that - that when the shift occurred I kept on in hopes that side of him would return and I wouldn't feel rejected.

I've never had problems picking guys in the past but these last two that I have fallen for have been really disastrous, mostly because when they decided to opt out instead of me doing the same I seem to want to cling more than ever seeking validation. From henceforth, I will train myself to find someone who opts out and exhibits signs of not wanting to be with me, to be unattractive.

Thank you all for the words of wisdom (even the tough words) and allowing me to see who he really is and how I was devaluing myself by accepting his crumbs and making excuses for him. I think it's clear I need to work on myself.
posted by soooo at 2:44 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


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