Mid-Twenties Mismatched Libido
June 25, 2012 10:03 AM Subscribe
Mismatched libido: we've been together for five years, we're both mid-twenties, she says "once a month would be okay."
I'm male, mid-twenties. My girlfriend and I met in college, have been together for five years, we've lived together for three-ish. Our sex life has had ups and downs, but overall I would say it has been good. But we've been having sex less frequently over the last six months. Communication is one of our strengths, though, so we're both aware of this and have been talking about it.
My girlfriend has been seeing a counselor for other reasons, and her counselor said she needed to be having sex more often. But, my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine, with the exception being one girl who would be okay with sex once a year. So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
I would like to have sex twice a week, but wanting sex when she doesn't makes me feel "like an animal"/"beastly"/"ashamed" (I was raised fundamentalist Christian but have been agnostic/atheist since before we started dating). If I could want sex less, I would, but I know that's not going to be the only solution.
I love my girlfriend a lot, we've both very much in love. So we want to find a compromise and work through this. But we're not really sure how to go about it. Can we meet in the middle? Any suggestions?
P.S.: She is on the NuvaRing, and I found a few anecdotes on google about decreased libido on NuvaRing, but I don't know if that has anything to do with this.
I'm male, mid-twenties. My girlfriend and I met in college, have been together for five years, we've lived together for three-ish. Our sex life has had ups and downs, but overall I would say it has been good. But we've been having sex less frequently over the last six months. Communication is one of our strengths, though, so we're both aware of this and have been talking about it.
My girlfriend has been seeing a counselor for other reasons, and her counselor said she needed to be having sex more often. But, my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine, with the exception being one girl who would be okay with sex once a year. So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
I would like to have sex twice a week, but wanting sex when she doesn't makes me feel "like an animal"/"beastly"/"ashamed" (I was raised fundamentalist Christian but have been agnostic/atheist since before we started dating). If I could want sex less, I would, but I know that's not going to be the only solution.
I love my girlfriend a lot, we've both very much in love. So we want to find a compromise and work through this. But we're not really sure how to go about it. Can we meet in the middle? Any suggestions?
P.S.: She is on the NuvaRing, and I found a few anecdotes on google about decreased libido on NuvaRing, but I don't know if that has anything to do with this.
1)Twice a week is so far from unreasonable it couldn't see unreasonable with a telescope.
2) How much sex is "normal"? However much the two of you decide is normal, as a couple. You girlfriend's "friends" opinions on your bedroom activities are irrelevant.
3) Try low-intensity sexual activities, and see how they feel. Explore the other bases.
4) Check out Dan Savage's Savage Love column in the Seattle Stranger. He answers this question every other week. (He's a little blunt though, fair warning)
posted by nickhb at 10:15 AM on June 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
2) How much sex is "normal"? However much the two of you decide is normal, as a couple. You girlfriend's "friends" opinions on your bedroom activities are irrelevant.
3) Try low-intensity sexual activities, and see how they feel. Explore the other bases.
4) Check out Dan Savage's Savage Love column in the Seattle Stranger. He answers this question every other week. (He's a little blunt though, fair warning)
posted by nickhb at 10:15 AM on June 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
i have known a woman who was having trouble with her libido and having orgasms on the nuva ring, small sample, but it is a known side effect.
you are also getting to the cooling down phase...living together for 3 years, you are past the head over heels romantic phase, and things tend to slow down. she may have wanted to have sex more often at the beginning because of the excitement, but now things have evened out, and she may be ok with sex once a month.
have you kept things interesting? asking about her fantasies? trying new things you both might enjoy?
if the sex is great once a month, and that's all she's willing to do, maybe she could be with you while you masturbate? watching my man play with himself always gets me in the mod, anyway, and usually leads to sex.
another thought was couples counseling.
posted by virginia_clemm at 10:16 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
you are also getting to the cooling down phase...living together for 3 years, you are past the head over heels romantic phase, and things tend to slow down. she may have wanted to have sex more often at the beginning because of the excitement, but now things have evened out, and she may be ok with sex once a month.
have you kept things interesting? asking about her fantasies? trying new things you both might enjoy?
if the sex is great once a month, and that's all she's willing to do, maybe she could be with you while you masturbate? watching my man play with himself always gets me in the mod, anyway, and usually leads to sex.
another thought was couples counseling.
posted by virginia_clemm at 10:16 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
There is no such number. Every individual has their own libido; every couple needs to work out their own compromise when their levels of desire differ. Your girlfriend shouldn't be talking to her girlfriends to figure this out; she should be talking to you.
posted by ook at 10:20 AM on June 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
There is no such number. Every individual has their own libido; every couple needs to work out their own compromise when their levels of desire differ. Your girlfriend shouldn't be talking to her girlfriends to figure this out; she should be talking to you.
posted by ook at 10:20 AM on June 25, 2012 [12 favorites]
Well to respond specifically to your comment on NuvaRing -- yes, that's a side effect, and the reason I stopped using it. It's actually a common side effect of most hormonal birth controls. It is supposedly less on the localized ones such as the NuvaRing, but no two people respond the same.
posted by DoubleLune at 10:21 AM on June 25, 2012
posted by DoubleLune at 10:21 AM on June 25, 2012
I never felt like that when I was in my mid-twenties. I wanted sex all the time then. Has she asked a doctor? did the drop coincide with the ring? did it coincide with other stressors (new job? family stuff?)? Did it coincide with weight gain or something else that might be triggering a self-esteem thing?
One thing that helped me was to have one day of "we absolutely are not having sex" every week. For us it was Sunday. I knew he could not ask for sex on sunday, and so I was willing to be physically intimate with him (making out, massages, just cuddling, whatever) because I knew it wouldn't lead to sex, and it turns out I was missing those things, so it ultimately led to more sex. Eventually.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:23 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
One thing that helped me was to have one day of "we absolutely are not having sex" every week. For us it was Sunday. I knew he could not ask for sex on sunday, and so I was willing to be physically intimate with him (making out, massages, just cuddling, whatever) because I knew it wouldn't lead to sex, and it turns out I was missing those things, so it ultimately led to more sex. Eventually.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:23 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
You communicate well, but do you compromise well?
If so, then a middle number such as once a week could work well.
There is no 'normal', btw. Any number in the range of once a minute to never is acceptable it both parties are happy with it.
posted by Vaike at 10:24 AM on June 25, 2012
If so, then a middle number such as once a week could work well.
There is no 'normal', btw. Any number in the range of once a minute to never is acceptable it both parties are happy with it.
posted by Vaike at 10:24 AM on June 25, 2012
Please don't feel ashamed for wanting to have sex twice a week. You are not beastly. That is absolutely normal and healthy.
posted by something something at 10:24 AM on June 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
posted by something something at 10:24 AM on June 25, 2012 [15 favorites]
Some questions: how often were you having sex, on average, before the last 6 months?
Having sex once a month would be "fine"--meaning "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if we only had sex once a month?" or "I'll compromise on having sex once a month because you want to, but really I could have much less and be okay with it?" There's a big difference between those two, in my opinion.
You mention that you're good at communicating--has she mentioned why she has had decreasing interest in sex? Does she want this to change, or is she okay with it? Is she open to seeing a doctor to address any possible physical reasons that may be causing this drop in libido (i.e. Nuvaring)?
Does she ever initiate sex? Does she ever feel (unintended by you, surely) pressured to have sex? Are you physically intimate otherwise (just kissing, other fooling around, etc.)?
I think this is all about having an in-depth conversation about the issue. Totally possible that you've already done this, but with the info available, that's what I've got. (And yes, wanting to have sex twice a week is nothing to feel ashamed of or feel beastly about.)
posted by dysh at 10:28 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Having sex once a month would be "fine"--meaning "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if we only had sex once a month?" or "I'll compromise on having sex once a month because you want to, but really I could have much less and be okay with it?" There's a big difference between those two, in my opinion.
You mention that you're good at communicating--has she mentioned why she has had decreasing interest in sex? Does she want this to change, or is she okay with it? Is she open to seeing a doctor to address any possible physical reasons that may be causing this drop in libido (i.e. Nuvaring)?
Does she ever initiate sex? Does she ever feel (unintended by you, surely) pressured to have sex? Are you physically intimate otherwise (just kissing, other fooling around, etc.)?
I think this is all about having an in-depth conversation about the issue. Totally possible that you've already done this, but with the info available, that's what I've got. (And yes, wanting to have sex twice a week is nothing to feel ashamed of or feel beastly about.)
posted by dysh at 10:28 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Decreased libido isn't just a symptom of Nuvaring, it's a known symptom for ALL hormonal birth control. Some women are affected more then others, some none at all. It took me years to finally figure out what the problem was, and then I was never able to find a pill, patch, or ring that didn't turn sex into a pleasant, but unnecessary, encounter. Personally I'm a little peeved it isn't mentioned more often, especially at the doctors office.
It can take a month or two to get back to normal after being on hormones and not only might it not be the cause, but having sex without a hormonal back-up could potentially create enough concern that it isn't worth it for her. You should still speak to her about it, and if she's willing to try it then use condoms AND pull out.
If this is just a completely mismatched libido thing, personally I'd find the idea of bowing out of the relationship an acceptable option. Being in a relationship without sex is like being good friends with someone who would be upset if you dated. If that's not what you want, don't take it.
posted by Dynex at 10:29 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
It can take a month or two to get back to normal after being on hormones and not only might it not be the cause, but having sex without a hormonal back-up could potentially create enough concern that it isn't worth it for her. You should still speak to her about it, and if she's willing to try it then use condoms AND pull out.
If this is just a completely mismatched libido thing, personally I'd find the idea of bowing out of the relationship an acceptable option. Being in a relationship without sex is like being good friends with someone who would be upset if you dated. If that's not what you want, don't take it.
posted by Dynex at 10:29 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
Mismatched libido can be a dealbreaker for a lot of couples. I know that a couple ex-couples that broke up in part to the fact that neither party was ever happy with the frequence of sex (one always felt it was too much, the other always felt unsatisfied). I am a high-libido type person and if my partner told me they would be fine with once-a-month sex... well, that would be a major major problem. (Thankfully, my partner has the same sex drive as me so we have sex ~5 times a week.) It isn't about one person being perverted and nasty, and the other being clean and chaste. Libido is largely a chemical thing and it doesn't really warrant judgement. However, once a month seems extremely low to me. Whether or not it is unreasonable is up to you to decide, but were it me I would feel once a month wasn't reasonable, especially if the frequency had been about 10x that amount. For me, being intimate with my partner is important. It makes me feel closer to them, the physical closeness adds to my emotional closeness, and frankly I get really cranky when I'm not getting sex often enough.
Maybe look in to the Nuvaring issue. Did her decreased libido coincde with her starting to use it? And if she isn't willing/able to compromise to a frequency that satisfies you then couples counselling.
Also, what your girlfriend's friends think about your sex life is absolutely irrelevant. Why the crap do her friends get a say in how often you have sex?? I also have trouble believing that would be the consensus. I am a woman and I know a lot of other women (married, single, and dating), and not a one would say "once a month" or "once a year", I would wager a lot of money they would say "1-3 times a week", and it isn't like I hang out with a bunch of promiscuous skanks...
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:30 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
Maybe look in to the Nuvaring issue. Did her decreased libido coincde with her starting to use it? And if she isn't willing/able to compromise to a frequency that satisfies you then couples counselling.
Also, what your girlfriend's friends think about your sex life is absolutely irrelevant. Why the crap do her friends get a say in how often you have sex?? I also have trouble believing that would be the consensus. I am a woman and I know a lot of other women (married, single, and dating), and not a one would say "once a month" or "once a year", I would wager a lot of money they would say "1-3 times a week", and it isn't like I hang out with a bunch of promiscuous skanks...
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:30 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
Twice a week is normal. Once a month is normal. Let's start from the principle that neither of you is being unreasonable in the sexual frequency you currently think of as optimal, but rather that right now your expectations are mismatched.
Now, how do you negotiate something different? Encouraging her to speak with her GYN about whether the NuvaRing is affecting her libido is one thing you both might try. Talking about how it really doesn't matter about how much sex her girlfriends think is "enough", since she isn't having sex with them, is important, but it's also important to do this in as non-blaming a way as possible.
I'll give you a datapoint, because I am oversharey like that: Mr. Sidhedevil and I are currently having sex pretty once a week (twice feels like a treat!) and he's 50 and I'm 47. We would certainly be having sex twice or three times a week on the regular if our schedules and my illnesses permitted. I'm also using the NuvaRing and taking an SSRI inhibitor, but I am one of the lucky people who don't find that those medications affect their libidos too much.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:34 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Now, how do you negotiate something different? Encouraging her to speak with her GYN about whether the NuvaRing is affecting her libido is one thing you both might try. Talking about how it really doesn't matter about how much sex her girlfriends think is "enough", since she isn't having sex with them, is important, but it's also important to do this in as non-blaming a way as possible.
I'll give you a datapoint, because I am oversharey like that: Mr. Sidhedevil and I are currently having sex pretty once a week (twice feels like a treat!) and he's 50 and I'm 47. We would certainly be having sex twice or three times a week on the regular if our schedules and my illnesses permitted. I'm also using the NuvaRing and taking an SSRI inhibitor, but I am one of the lucky people who don't find that those medications affect their libidos too much.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:34 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
her counselor said she needed to be having sex more often.
You're good communicators--talk with your gf about finding a new therapist. Seriously. IANAD or therapist or counselor, but I've had plenty of experience on the other side of the kleenex box and this sounds off the wall to me (without knowing more context than is presented here). Maybe give couples counseling a try?
posted by scratch at 10:36 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're good communicators--talk with your gf about finding a new therapist. Seriously. IANAD or therapist or counselor, but I've had plenty of experience on the other side of the kleenex box and this sounds off the wall to me (without knowing more context than is presented here). Maybe give couples counseling a try?
posted by scratch at 10:36 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Just a data point. I'm asexual and desire no sex at all, and even to me, "twice a week" doesn't sound beastly or "too much". So there's really no reason to feel ashamed - you sound pretty reasonable in general and you both sound like you want to work this out. I know some women who suddenly lost their desire alltogether in their mid- to late twenties. Some just accepted it, told their partners to get lost if they couldn't deal with a surprise-no-sexlife-over-night situation and never bothered to look into it why they were feeling that way. So from that end, you're lucky because your girlfriend does talk to you.
I'd probably start with checking if there's a hormone imbalance. Being on birth control sounds like that might be a factor and hormone changes are a fairly common reason for a drop in sexual desire.
Since you and your gf are good at talking about problems, it might also be helpful to consider partner therapy. It's never one person's problem, so the logical thing to do is working it out together.
posted by MinusCelsius at 10:43 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'd probably start with checking if there's a hormone imbalance. Being on birth control sounds like that might be a factor and hormone changes are a fairly common reason for a drop in sexual desire.
Since you and your gf are good at talking about problems, it might also be helpful to consider partner therapy. It's never one person's problem, so the logical thing to do is working it out together.
posted by MinusCelsius at 10:43 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Second Sidhedevil and MinusCelsius on all points. My husband and I fall in between your level of desire and your girlfriend's level of desire, and it's always annoying to be told you're defective in some way for not wanting to bone constantly.
It may help to take all pressure off her to have sex. I have found in the past that when I felt pressured, it would turn me off like a light switch. No matter how innately lustful I was at the time, if I was being expected to perform sex acts on what I perceived as a schedule, it would stress me out. It'd be like, "Oh god, he wants to have sex again, despite that I am tired and my allergies are flaring up and I work twice as hard as he does AND it takes twice as much work to get me to orgasm as it does for him and then he gets obviously bored and sleepy the second he comes and that turns me off and WHY DOES HE THINK OF ME AS A MACHINE THAT PUTS OUT ANYWAY!" I mean, it's a somewhat irrational train of though, but it totally happens.
You sound like a sweet guy. I know you two can work this out. Hang in there.
posted by Coatlicue at 10:44 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
It may help to take all pressure off her to have sex. I have found in the past that when I felt pressured, it would turn me off like a light switch. No matter how innately lustful I was at the time, if I was being expected to perform sex acts on what I perceived as a schedule, it would stress me out. It'd be like, "Oh god, he wants to have sex again, despite that I am tired and my allergies are flaring up and I work twice as hard as he does AND it takes twice as much work to get me to orgasm as it does for him and then he gets obviously bored and sleepy the second he comes and that turns me off and WHY DOES HE THINK OF ME AS A MACHINE THAT PUTS OUT ANYWAY!" I mean, it's a somewhat irrational train of though, but it totally happens.
You sound like a sweet guy. I know you two can work this out. Hang in there.
posted by Coatlicue at 10:44 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
But, my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine, with the exception being one girl who would be okay with sex once a year. So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
You're not fucking them and they're not fucking her, so how does this even enter into the situation? This isn't equivalent to the counselor's "perspective" - this is a group of people trying to be cool and nonchalant in front of their friends.
You and your girlfriend need to sit down and talk about what each of you wants, how you might be able to compromise, and how you can build on your existing communication skills. For example, even if the frequency with which you have sex doesn't increase, maybe she could work on initiating sex more often to make you feel desired. Maybe there's more you can do to ger her interested in more frequent sex and she is waiting for an opportunity to tell you when you both are not sidetracked by being mildly irritated with one another.
TL;DR: There's no substitute for actually talking to one another about this. Maybe the counselor can help shape her perspective on her feelings, but ultimately you need to listen to that perspective firsthand (and vice versa).
Good luck - you sound like a thoughtful guy.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:56 AM on June 25, 2012
You're not fucking them and they're not fucking her, so how does this even enter into the situation? This isn't equivalent to the counselor's "perspective" - this is a group of people trying to be cool and nonchalant in front of their friends.
You and your girlfriend need to sit down and talk about what each of you wants, how you might be able to compromise, and how you can build on your existing communication skills. For example, even if the frequency with which you have sex doesn't increase, maybe she could work on initiating sex more often to make you feel desired. Maybe there's more you can do to ger her interested in more frequent sex and she is waiting for an opportunity to tell you when you both are not sidetracked by being mildly irritated with one another.
TL;DR: There's no substitute for actually talking to one another about this. Maybe the counselor can help shape her perspective on her feelings, but ultimately you need to listen to that perspective firsthand (and vice versa).
Good luck - you sound like a thoughtful guy.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:56 AM on June 25, 2012
Neither your girlfriend's friends nor her therapist get a vote. They're not in bed with y'all.
As others have said, there's no exact "normal". If you do care about comparison to the expectation, I'd venture that twice a week is slightly more frequent than is customary but not unusually so; once a month is a fair way less frequent than average but still not into absurd territory. (Once a year seems absurd to me for a sexual relationship, so there are reasonable limits.) There's a range of healthy sexual frequencies, but ultimately "normal" and "healthy" take a backseat to your and your girlfriends' comfort levels. Something that works for both of you is good. Something that doesn't work for one or the other or (worse yet) both of you is bad.
I imagine you can find a compromise that works. Birth control hormones definitely can impair the libido; is switching to an alternative birth-control approach (e.g. barrier methods) feasible? This doesn't guarantee that you'll get exactly what you want: it may be that your girlfriend's sex drive simply doesn't match yours, and then you can compromise, but if you can get your desires a bit closer to the same point, you can probably find a frequency where you're both satisfied.
posted by jackbishop at 11:06 AM on June 25, 2012
As others have said, there's no exact "normal". If you do care about comparison to the expectation, I'd venture that twice a week is slightly more frequent than is customary but not unusually so; once a month is a fair way less frequent than average but still not into absurd territory. (Once a year seems absurd to me for a sexual relationship, so there are reasonable limits.) There's a range of healthy sexual frequencies, but ultimately "normal" and "healthy" take a backseat to your and your girlfriends' comfort levels. Something that works for both of you is good. Something that doesn't work for one or the other or (worse yet) both of you is bad.
I imagine you can find a compromise that works. Birth control hormones definitely can impair the libido; is switching to an alternative birth-control approach (e.g. barrier methods) feasible? This doesn't guarantee that you'll get exactly what you want: it may be that your girlfriend's sex drive simply doesn't match yours, and then you can compromise, but if you can get your desires a bit closer to the same point, you can probably find a frequency where you're both satisfied.
posted by jackbishop at 11:06 AM on June 25, 2012
Just for the record, I object to calling a libido "healthy" based on the frequency of desire. It's not more or less healthy to want no sex, weekly, monthly or daily sex. As long as both parties are happy, the sexlife itself can be "healthy" even if you don't have one.
Also wanted to add: The "her friends say this and that" and "her therapist says something else" - that's bound to clash at some point, and that point is your girlfriend. Her friends tell her one thing ("having even less sex than you is normal"), the therapist tells her another thing ("you don't have enough sex") and she ends up caught in the middle. But neither her friends nor her therapist are in her position and can really judge what she needs. Only she can do that, and it's not an easy thing to figure it out if two forces you consider as trustworthy tell you opposite things. You as a couple should dismiss both points as invalid and start from zero, to figure out between the two of you what you want and what is normal and "healthy" for your relationship.
If couple therapy is an option, get a new therapist, not your gf's current one. You want a new perspective from someone who isn't biased by thinking to know what one party needs.
posted by MinusCelsius at 11:07 AM on June 25, 2012
Also wanted to add: The "her friends say this and that" and "her therapist says something else" - that's bound to clash at some point, and that point is your girlfriend. Her friends tell her one thing ("having even less sex than you is normal"), the therapist tells her another thing ("you don't have enough sex") and she ends up caught in the middle. But neither her friends nor her therapist are in her position and can really judge what she needs. Only she can do that, and it's not an easy thing to figure it out if two forces you consider as trustworthy tell you opposite things. You as a couple should dismiss both points as invalid and start from zero, to figure out between the two of you what you want and what is normal and "healthy" for your relationship.
If couple therapy is an option, get a new therapist, not your gf's current one. You want a new perspective from someone who isn't biased by thinking to know what one party needs.
posted by MinusCelsius at 11:07 AM on June 25, 2012
use condoms AND pull out
Don't combine the withdrawal method with condoms. It diminishes the efficacy of the condom, which is designed to be used through ejaculation.
If you want to both double up on birth control and avoid hormonal birth control methods, maybe her looking into the cervical cap or the diaphragm or a non-hormonal IUD with her GYN is the way to go.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:14 AM on June 25, 2012
Don't combine the withdrawal method with condoms. It diminishes the efficacy of the condom, which is designed to be used through ejaculation.
If you want to both double up on birth control and avoid hormonal birth control methods, maybe her looking into the cervical cap or the diaphragm or a non-hormonal IUD with her GYN is the way to go.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:14 AM on June 25, 2012
Saying it diminishes the efficacy of the condoms is a bit of a stretch, the link you give states it's more likely that the man will forget to hold the base of the condom. I've had three condoms break, so break vs forgetting to hold base I'm still going with pulling out. It doesn't have to be directly before orgasm.
Copper IUD's are known to cause very painful cramping, and it's difficult to find a dr who will insert one if you've never given birth. Diaphragms are a cruel device for anyone prone to UTI's (you can't take it out for 8 hours, but it is pressing directly against the infection aaauhg).
This is definitely something for the OP to consider, that maybe the stress around preventing pregnancy and other health risks with sex is part of why his gf is avoiding it. There are a lot of different options out there, all with pros and cons, it often feels that it would be easier to just not go there.
posted by Dynex at 11:33 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Copper IUD's are known to cause very painful cramping, and it's difficult to find a dr who will insert one if you've never given birth. Diaphragms are a cruel device for anyone prone to UTI's (you can't take it out for 8 hours, but it is pressing directly against the infection aaauhg).
This is definitely something for the OP to consider, that maybe the stress around preventing pregnancy and other health risks with sex is part of why his gf is avoiding it. There are a lot of different options out there, all with pros and cons, it often feels that it would be easier to just not go there.
posted by Dynex at 11:33 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine
Alarm bells are ringing, red lights flashing...
So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
And neither of them are hers.
posted by rhizome at 11:37 AM on June 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
Alarm bells are ringing, red lights flashing...
So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy".
And neither of them are hers.
posted by rhizome at 11:37 AM on June 25, 2012 [7 favorites]
Neither your girlfriend's friends nor her therapist get a vote. They're not in bed with y'all.
posted by jackbishop at 1:06 PM on June 25 [+] [!]
Just want to second that.
The only "normal" y'all need to worry about is what's normal between the two of you. My SO and I can go from having sex every day to once a month and we find nothing wrong with that range of intercourse. It is as it is. She shouldn't compare y'all's sex life to anyone else's and worry about what is "normal." As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "Normal is a setting on the washing machine." Don't over think it. But I would consider a different therapist if I were her.
posted by patheral at 11:43 AM on June 25, 2012
posted by jackbishop at 1:06 PM on June 25 [+] [!]
Just want to second that.
The only "normal" y'all need to worry about is what's normal between the two of you. My SO and I can go from having sex every day to once a month and we find nothing wrong with that range of intercourse. It is as it is. She shouldn't compare y'all's sex life to anyone else's and worry about what is "normal." As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "Normal is a setting on the washing machine." Don't over think it. But I would consider a different therapist if I were her.
posted by patheral at 11:43 AM on June 25, 2012
From my limited experience, and having been in yyour shoes, I wish I would have taken note and moved on sooner. The issue just became a point for contention, and friction.
Pressure just makes things worse, and sexual frustration in a relationship is difficult. Trying to schedule just added more pressure, and a lack of things going as planned was again, more pressure.
I think now looking back having closer matched libidos is a good thing. Yes, these things wax and wane, but if you are fine with once a month, make sure you really are fine with once a month.
Again, I wish I would have known this sooner, and it is even more difficult when you are with someone you love. At one point I was told to go outside of the relationship. At that point I should have known it was over.
Best of luck.
posted by handbanana at 11:44 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Pressure just makes things worse, and sexual frustration in a relationship is difficult. Trying to schedule just added more pressure, and a lack of things going as planned was again, more pressure.
I think now looking back having closer matched libidos is a good thing. Yes, these things wax and wane, but if you are fine with once a month, make sure you really are fine with once a month.
Again, I wish I would have known this sooner, and it is even more difficult when you are with someone you love. At one point I was told to go outside of the relationship. At that point I should have known it was over.
Best of luck.
posted by handbanana at 11:44 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
You should absolutely NOT feel bad about your libido or wish it were less than it is. The problem is not you alone, so don't make it your problem. You're buying into an idea that you're the bad guy when, as you've described it, you're not. The problem is you're mismtached with your partner on this issue.
Try to find a compromise. If you can't, you'll have to decide how important this issue is to you. If it comes down to it, I have no dubt you could find someone better matched with you in this way.
posted by cnc at 11:49 AM on June 25, 2012
Try to find a compromise. If you can't, you'll have to decide how important this issue is to you. If it comes down to it, I have no dubt you could find someone better matched with you in this way.
posted by cnc at 11:49 AM on June 25, 2012
If it's something she wants to work on, she has to talk to her gyno about her birth control and she needs a therapist (perhaps a sex therapist you both can visit) who says more than "do it more often" because that's about the least helpful advice I've read in a while.
posted by sm1tten at 11:53 AM on June 25, 2012
posted by sm1tten at 11:53 AM on June 25, 2012
Just want to add, how much she wants to work on the issue will be telling (at least in my case) as to how much result you will receive. If her attitude is lackluster, dont expect anything to change... because it most likely wont.<
posted by handbanana at 11:57 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by handbanana at 11:57 AM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
My girlfriend has been seeing a counselor for other reasons, and her counselor said she needed to be having sex more often.
What? I have a hard time believing that a counselor would say this. Counselors are generally NOT supposed to be prescriptive. Is this an entirely accurate description of what the counselor said? If it's true that a counselor did say this to her, it's not cool at all to hold it over her head as an appeal to authority. I'm not saying you are doing that, I'm just saying please avoid it. It will not help you get where you're going at all to make her feel pressured into agreeing to something.
But, my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine, with the exception being one girl who would be okay with sex once a year.
It sounds like your girlfriend for some reason does not feel like she can be straight up with you about how much sex she wants. That she feels like she has to appeal to the authority of numbers. To prove that it's not just her, that lots of other people feel this way.
I know you said you guys are really good at communicating but this makes me think you might have some major blind spots. It sounds like your girlfriend is afraid of just being straight about how she feels and what she wants because you will argue that what she wants is WRONG. Or that it's abnormal, or how she feels doesn't matter because "authorities" think she "needs to" do something else. Or how she feels is invalid because she couched it as a consensus of her friends and what her friends think shouldn't matter. (Those all fall under the umbrella of "What you want is WRONG.")
So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy."
It doesn't sound like she "has" two opinions. It sounds like she has one opinion that she couched as the consensus of her friends. The other is someone else's opinion.
I think you need to just cool it and start over because you are not going to make ANY progress as long as she feels like she can't be straight up with you about what she wants. And she is never going to feel that way as long as you are acting like she is WRONG and she SHOULD feel differently or be doing something differently.
Start from another baseline. Start from the baseline of totally accepting her wants and not trying to argue that they are wrong. I am saying this because I think it will give you a BETTER shot of successfully meeting in the middle.
posted by cairdeas at 11:58 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
What? I have a hard time believing that a counselor would say this. Counselors are generally NOT supposed to be prescriptive. Is this an entirely accurate description of what the counselor said? If it's true that a counselor did say this to her, it's not cool at all to hold it over her head as an appeal to authority. I'm not saying you are doing that, I'm just saying please avoid it. It will not help you get where you're going at all to make her feel pressured into agreeing to something.
But, my girlfriend came back from a girl's weekend with her friends and said that they all agreed that having sex once a month would be fine, with the exception being one girl who would be okay with sex once a year.
It sounds like your girlfriend for some reason does not feel like she can be straight up with you about how much sex she wants. That she feels like she has to appeal to the authority of numbers. To prove that it's not just her, that lots of other people feel this way.
I know you said you guys are really good at communicating but this makes me think you might have some major blind spots. It sounds like your girlfriend is afraid of just being straight about how she feels and what she wants because you will argue that what she wants is WRONG. Or that it's abnormal, or how she feels doesn't matter because "authorities" think she "needs to" do something else. Or how she feels is invalid because she couched it as a consensus of her friends and what her friends think shouldn't matter. (Those all fall under the umbrella of "What you want is WRONG.")
So my girlfriend has two conflicting opinions about how much sex is "normal" or "healthy."
It doesn't sound like she "has" two opinions. It sounds like she has one opinion that she couched as the consensus of her friends. The other is someone else's opinion.
I think you need to just cool it and start over because you are not going to make ANY progress as long as she feels like she can't be straight up with you about what she wants. And she is never going to feel that way as long as you are acting like she is WRONG and she SHOULD feel differently or be doing something differently.
Start from another baseline. Start from the baseline of totally accepting her wants and not trying to argue that they are wrong. I am saying this because I think it will give you a BETTER shot of successfully meeting in the middle.
posted by cairdeas at 11:58 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
How are you making her feel during sex that she doesn't really want to that often? Is there any sexual mistrust? Does she think you aren't thinking of her during sex? Is it really a libido thing or are you guys having differing approaches to what would really be fulfilling?
posted by discopolo at 12:11 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 12:11 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
If I was feeling like a broken jerk for having a low libido - and I do feel that way, sometimes - I would be incredibly relieved to hear from friends that I am not alone. If my therapist scolded me for not having sex enough, I would feel so ashamed.
I don't understand what a "compromise" is here. Is she...supposed to let him have sex with her even when she doesn't want to?
posted by Lyn Never at 1:55 PM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't understand what a "compromise" is here. Is she...supposed to let him have sex with her even when she doesn't want to?
posted by Lyn Never at 1:55 PM on June 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
You know the cliche: Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love. Most men seem to feel all emotionally generous and doting after a roll in the hay. Most women need that first to want a roll in the hay. Maybe you can work on it from that angle? Try giving her more reasons to feel all lovey dovey? (Not a criticism. Purely an attempt to be helpful.)
posted by Michele in California at 2:02 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Michele in California at 2:02 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
And she is never going to feel that way as long as you are acting like she is WRONG and she SHOULD feel differently or be doing something differently.
I'm really not seeing that sort of attitude in his post. If anything, he's saying that his own feelings are wrong (see the paragraph beginning "I would like to have sex twice a week...").
Anyway, I'd like to echo those who say that neither of you are wrong, or abnormal, or anything like that. Neither of you should be ashamed in any way. And equally, echo those who say that the opinions of the therapist and her friends don't really matter, because they're not the people involved (especially the therapist, per Lyn Never's comment).
So, solutions?
Could you be happy masturbating in private instead of having sex?
Or masturbating with her involvement? (I've had some very enjoyable sex that was just me masturbating with a partner licking and kissing my nipples, for example).
Or would she be willing to give you the occasional hand job or blow job, even if she wasn't in the mood for penetrative sex? (Not meaning this as a sexist option: I'm a hetero man and I've been on both ends of that equation).
That's a bsically mechanical approach that focuses on your needs. Another approach would be to look more closely at why she doesn't desire much sex..where I think discopolo is on the right track - if you guys truly have good communication, maybe this is something you can explore.
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2012
I'm really not seeing that sort of attitude in his post. If anything, he's saying that his own feelings are wrong (see the paragraph beginning "I would like to have sex twice a week...").
Anyway, I'd like to echo those who say that neither of you are wrong, or abnormal, or anything like that. Neither of you should be ashamed in any way. And equally, echo those who say that the opinions of the therapist and her friends don't really matter, because they're not the people involved (especially the therapist, per Lyn Never's comment).
So, solutions?
Could you be happy masturbating in private instead of having sex?
Or masturbating with her involvement? (I've had some very enjoyable sex that was just me masturbating with a partner licking and kissing my nipples, for example).
Or would she be willing to give you the occasional hand job or blow job, even if she wasn't in the mood for penetrative sex? (Not meaning this as a sexist option: I'm a hetero man and I've been on both ends of that equation).
That's a bsically mechanical approach that focuses on your needs. Another approach would be to look more closely at why she doesn't desire much sex..where I think discopolo is on the right track - if you guys truly have good communication, maybe this is something you can explore.
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2012
I've been in your position, a few times actually, and have a fairly strong opinion about. That being the case, it is entirely possible that I'll be projecting kinda strongly in my answer here. I'm trying my hardest not to, but just fair warning. so:
Sex, and how often you have it, is not something that anyone gets to decide except for the people who are having it with one another. 2 people, in a relationship, will each want sex at certain times, at certain frequencies. each person gets to decide how often that is, and precisely when, and no one gets to tell them to have it more or less often. moreover, both partners can freely change their mind about the situation at any time, and neither one should be tied down to promising sex at a certain frequency. that said:
if you want sex more often than you're having it, and your partner doesn't want sex as often as you want it, then you both have a very difficult decision to make. basically, you have needs that aren't being fulfilled. she may ALSO have needs that aren't being fulfilled, and that may be why she's not as interested in sex at the frequency you'd like to have it. she may, however, simply be satisfied with sex about once a month, and that's her right. either way, you two need to address the fact that you aren't being satisfied. not because it's her job to satisfy those needs, but because in a relationship that's... what you do. try your best to be there for one another and do what you can to keep one another satisfied.
what her friends think, and what her therapist thinks, simply does not enter into it. they're friends, so saying things like that is what they do and she has every right to consult them and get their opinion. but at the end of the day it comes down to: what does she want from the relationship and what do you want? she may not feel sexually inclined because she's dissatisfied in some other way. You say you guys are open about the situation and talk about it a lot, so see if that's what's up. It may take some time and patience to figure that out. Or she may simply have a lower libido than you do.
so now what? well, this is the heart breaking and awful part. if you don't get what you need out of a relationship, no matter how amazing the person otherwise is, you should strongly consider breaking up. please understand, this is not an ultimatum. at no point should you think of this as "either I get sex this often or I'm gone." But if you continue to be unhappy because of this, well... sex is important. two people in love can fall very quickly out of love when the sex life doesn't meet the needs of both partners adequately. regardless of what her friends say, there are plenty of women and men who enjoy sex more frequently than once a month and will value a partner who feels the same way. And having sex seldomly enough that it's a source of unhappiness for you will breed resentment and ruin a relationship. there's nothing wrong with her wanting sex more or less often than you do, and there is NOTHING wrong/beastly/whatever with you for wanting it more often. you two may very simply not be compatible, sexually. if so, breaking up is almost inevitable.
so keep talking. but try to see the situation this way: two people, with varying levels of satisfaction with the relationship. if the relationship is to survive, you need to figure out how to keep you both satisfied within reason. for you, the big problem is sex. for her it may be something else. try to figure that out together. and please understand: at no point is it a good idea for her to simply have more sex with you because that's what you want, even if she doesn't. she should never be sleeping with you because if she doesn't she's afraid she'll lose you. either you guys figure out how to figure this out so that you're both happily engaged in a healthy sexual relationship or you come the understanding that as much as you love one another it isn't working. again: no ultimatums. no lines drawn in the sand. it's a long, slow, painful process to realize you aren't happy and need to move on. treat it respectfully if that ends up being the case, and be aware that this isn't about her failing to satisfy you, or you failing to satisfy her. this is about two people who have a hurdle. it may be that you aren't compatible, in which case the hurdle is insurmountable. it may also be that you are and there's something else at play, and you can deal with that. the only way to find out is to talk talk talk and both be understanding of and respectful of one another's expectations and feelings.
at the end of the day, you shouldn't accept a relationship that leaves you so dissatisfied, especially not sexually. you are not a beast, and you should never feel ashamed of your sexual needs and desires. talk to her, figure out how you can both be happy with your sex life. it may be that you can't both be happy with it. if not, then my sincerest condolences, and I wish you luck with an awful situation to go through. if you can, then work it out. talk about it, and always remember that you have every right to stand up for your needs in this. it's the only way to keep the relationship strong, and it's also a perfectly legitimate reason to end the relationship, as hard as that will no doubt be.
posted by shmegegge at 2:56 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Sex, and how often you have it, is not something that anyone gets to decide except for the people who are having it with one another. 2 people, in a relationship, will each want sex at certain times, at certain frequencies. each person gets to decide how often that is, and precisely when, and no one gets to tell them to have it more or less often. moreover, both partners can freely change their mind about the situation at any time, and neither one should be tied down to promising sex at a certain frequency. that said:
if you want sex more often than you're having it, and your partner doesn't want sex as often as you want it, then you both have a very difficult decision to make. basically, you have needs that aren't being fulfilled. she may ALSO have needs that aren't being fulfilled, and that may be why she's not as interested in sex at the frequency you'd like to have it. she may, however, simply be satisfied with sex about once a month, and that's her right. either way, you two need to address the fact that you aren't being satisfied. not because it's her job to satisfy those needs, but because in a relationship that's... what you do. try your best to be there for one another and do what you can to keep one another satisfied.
what her friends think, and what her therapist thinks, simply does not enter into it. they're friends, so saying things like that is what they do and she has every right to consult them and get their opinion. but at the end of the day it comes down to: what does she want from the relationship and what do you want? she may not feel sexually inclined because she's dissatisfied in some other way. You say you guys are open about the situation and talk about it a lot, so see if that's what's up. It may take some time and patience to figure that out. Or she may simply have a lower libido than you do.
so now what? well, this is the heart breaking and awful part. if you don't get what you need out of a relationship, no matter how amazing the person otherwise is, you should strongly consider breaking up. please understand, this is not an ultimatum. at no point should you think of this as "either I get sex this often or I'm gone." But if you continue to be unhappy because of this, well... sex is important. two people in love can fall very quickly out of love when the sex life doesn't meet the needs of both partners adequately. regardless of what her friends say, there are plenty of women and men who enjoy sex more frequently than once a month and will value a partner who feels the same way. And having sex seldomly enough that it's a source of unhappiness for you will breed resentment and ruin a relationship. there's nothing wrong with her wanting sex more or less often than you do, and there is NOTHING wrong/beastly/whatever with you for wanting it more often. you two may very simply not be compatible, sexually. if so, breaking up is almost inevitable.
so keep talking. but try to see the situation this way: two people, with varying levels of satisfaction with the relationship. if the relationship is to survive, you need to figure out how to keep you both satisfied within reason. for you, the big problem is sex. for her it may be something else. try to figure that out together. and please understand: at no point is it a good idea for her to simply have more sex with you because that's what you want, even if she doesn't. she should never be sleeping with you because if she doesn't she's afraid she'll lose you. either you guys figure out how to figure this out so that you're both happily engaged in a healthy sexual relationship or you come the understanding that as much as you love one another it isn't working. again: no ultimatums. no lines drawn in the sand. it's a long, slow, painful process to realize you aren't happy and need to move on. treat it respectfully if that ends up being the case, and be aware that this isn't about her failing to satisfy you, or you failing to satisfy her. this is about two people who have a hurdle. it may be that you aren't compatible, in which case the hurdle is insurmountable. it may also be that you are and there's something else at play, and you can deal with that. the only way to find out is to talk talk talk and both be understanding of and respectful of one another's expectations and feelings.
at the end of the day, you shouldn't accept a relationship that leaves you so dissatisfied, especially not sexually. you are not a beast, and you should never feel ashamed of your sexual needs and desires. talk to her, figure out how you can both be happy with your sex life. it may be that you can't both be happy with it. if not, then my sincerest condolences, and I wish you luck with an awful situation to go through. if you can, then work it out. talk about it, and always remember that you have every right to stand up for your needs in this. it's the only way to keep the relationship strong, and it's also a perfectly legitimate reason to end the relationship, as hard as that will no doubt be.
posted by shmegegge at 2:56 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Sexual desire is self-perpetuating, and I don't think it's inappropriate or non-standard for a therapist to tell you "do it more and you're likely to want it more." This is not very far from the pretty common suggestion that a couple make specific dates to have sex because if you don't make time for it, you are not going to have any. (As to how these or similar suggestions may or may not have been made, I wouldn't take a report of "he says she says that she says" to be the world's most accurate report of what was said and how.)
But as an absolute first resort, I'd ditch the hormonal birth control and give it a few months to clear out. You guys could always look at condoms or an IUD or both.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:57 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
But as an absolute first resort, I'd ditch the hormonal birth control and give it a few months to clear out. You guys could always look at condoms or an IUD or both.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:57 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
When was the last time you tried seducing her? I mean, really appealing to whatever of the five senses she prefers. If she likes smell, try finding a really good smelling candle to light in the bedroom (something you can't buy at the grocery store, like these), or get yourself a really amazing cologne. If she likes taste, get/cook her something really special for no reason - a favorite wine, maybe. If she likes sight, take a surprise trip somewhere beautiful, or buy a piece of art for the bedroom. If she likes hearing, go to a concert, get some fresh music or upgrade the bedroom speakers. I like touch, personally, and I bought myself silk sheets. It's an indulgence, but it makes some part of my brain purr like a cat in a sunbeam and I feel more connected to my body. Does she have a nice vibrator? Get her one, and get familiar with it yourself.
If you have a spare moment anywhere, get close to her, slip a hand to the small of her back and rub your thumb there gently. Make direct eye contact and think at her, "I'd love to fuck you so hard right now." Put that thought in your eyes. Smile, then break away and go do something else. Don't kiss her or try to grope. Just try to focus your desire for her so she can feel it. Keep having little moments like this, and wait for her to stop you and initiate a kiss. Give her the control.
I found I hated what hormonal birth control did to my libido and I made getting a non-hormonal birth control method a priority. In my case, I got my tubes tied. It does me a world of good in the libido department to have no anxieties about pregnancy.
See if she'll start taking some vitamin D and fish oil. This is a super tricky problem because it could be mental or physical or a combination. Your best bet is not to assume an adversarial "you're the broken thing in this equation" attitude. Instead, team up with her to overcome this together.
posted by griselda at 3:11 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you have a spare moment anywhere, get close to her, slip a hand to the small of her back and rub your thumb there gently. Make direct eye contact and think at her, "I'd love to fuck you so hard right now." Put that thought in your eyes. Smile, then break away and go do something else. Don't kiss her or try to grope. Just try to focus your desire for her so she can feel it. Keep having little moments like this, and wait for her to stop you and initiate a kiss. Give her the control.
I found I hated what hormonal birth control did to my libido and I made getting a non-hormonal birth control method a priority. In my case, I got my tubes tied. It does me a world of good in the libido department to have no anxieties about pregnancy.
See if she'll start taking some vitamin D and fish oil. This is a super tricky problem because it could be mental or physical or a combination. Your best bet is not to assume an adversarial "you're the broken thing in this equation" attitude. Instead, team up with her to overcome this together.
posted by griselda at 3:11 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
A few things:
First, nthing that hormonal birth control can lower desire. I thought that I had stopped enjoying sex as I got older. When I stopped with it, mine went back through the roof.
Secondly, when you say that she doesn't want to have sex, does she actively not want to have sex, or is she just not initiating/not initially into it but okay having it? Does she enjoy it when you have sex?
Twice a week is nothing to be ashamed of. That's not even a really high sex drive. That's just kind of average. You're definitely not a beast, no matter what your upbringing said.
posted by corb at 4:52 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
First, nthing that hormonal birth control can lower desire. I thought that I had stopped enjoying sex as I got older. When I stopped with it, mine went back through the roof.
Secondly, when you say that she doesn't want to have sex, does she actively not want to have sex, or is she just not initiating/not initially into it but okay having it? Does she enjoy it when you have sex?
Twice a week is nothing to be ashamed of. That's not even a really high sex drive. That's just kind of average. You're definitely not a beast, no matter what your upbringing said.
posted by corb at 4:52 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
You know what, I don't think you should have to seduce your partner to have sex more than once a month is a relationship. Sure, up the romance, but I'd be more likely to ditch the hormonal birth control than flagellate yourself for not being romantic enough.
And honestly, she might just not be that into it anymore. You guys met in college, and maybe this relationship has reached it's expiration date. A lot of people are still figuring out their sexuality in their early twenties, and your girlfriend might be among them.
The conversation between her and her girlfriends strikes me as really weird.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:29 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
And honestly, she might just not be that into it anymore. You guys met in college, and maybe this relationship has reached it's expiration date. A lot of people are still figuring out their sexuality in their early twenties, and your girlfriend might be among them.
The conversation between her and her girlfriends strikes me as really weird.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:29 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Ugh, sorry. More than once a month *in* a relationship.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:08 PM on June 25, 2012
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:08 PM on June 25, 2012
I agree with the others that her birth control may be a problem. She could try getting a testosterone pellet shot to get her mojo back.
posted by jmd97 at 7:16 PM on June 25, 2012
posted by jmd97 at 7:16 PM on June 25, 2012
The comment from ablazingsaddle makes me want to clarify something: Even though I am female, in my marriage, I was the one who was routinely turned down. So I am not really all that sympathetic to the side that wants less sex.
Having said that, I made my suggestion because everything I have read and conversations I have had with women who were withholding sex from their men suggests to me that usually a woman first wants to feel loved/in love. If you aren't yet willing to call it quits, I think that fact might be useful info and might help you come to a workable compromise.
You can't control someone else. You can't simply demand or force them to service you. You can try to understand what each of you needs and try to find a palatable means to arrange some kind of win-win situation. In most heterosexual relationships, the man has more physical sex drive, the woman has more emotional need. I say that not to say you are required to seduce her. I say that to suggest it might be a viable path forward. It might not be. There may be some underlying problems you are unaware of (on both sides) which can't be worked out, or at least not in that way. But if you try everything in your power to respect her, make sex more appealling and so on and it doesn't work and the relationship ends, you can at least stop feeling like "a beast" who makes "uneasonable" demands. By the time I left, I was at peace with my part of it. I value that a great deal. It is part of why I am not bitter.
Anyway, I tried to make a suggestion I thought might help. I tried to do so as objectively as possible and without projecting my ex's crap onto your lady. I hope this post makes that information more useful. It isn't a suggestion that it is all on you. It takes two to make a relationship work. It is only to say you are the person asking and this might be a piece of it you can work on if you so choose. But, no, you shouldn't feel bad about needing as much sex as you need. I would be the last person on earth to suggest you should feel guilty about that.
posted by Michele in California at 7:34 PM on June 25, 2012
Having said that, I made my suggestion because everything I have read and conversations I have had with women who were withholding sex from their men suggests to me that usually a woman first wants to feel loved/in love. If you aren't yet willing to call it quits, I think that fact might be useful info and might help you come to a workable compromise.
You can't control someone else. You can't simply demand or force them to service you. You can try to understand what each of you needs and try to find a palatable means to arrange some kind of win-win situation. In most heterosexual relationships, the man has more physical sex drive, the woman has more emotional need. I say that not to say you are required to seduce her. I say that to suggest it might be a viable path forward. It might not be. There may be some underlying problems you are unaware of (on both sides) which can't be worked out, or at least not in that way. But if you try everything in your power to respect her, make sex more appealling and so on and it doesn't work and the relationship ends, you can at least stop feeling like "a beast" who makes "uneasonable" demands. By the time I left, I was at peace with my part of it. I value that a great deal. It is part of why I am not bitter.
Anyway, I tried to make a suggestion I thought might help. I tried to do so as objectively as possible and without projecting my ex's crap onto your lady. I hope this post makes that information more useful. It isn't a suggestion that it is all on you. It takes two to make a relationship work. It is only to say you are the person asking and this might be a piece of it you can work on if you so choose. But, no, you shouldn't feel bad about needing as much sex as you need. I would be the last person on earth to suggest you should feel guilty about that.
posted by Michele in California at 7:34 PM on June 25, 2012
You mention that she's seeing a counselor for other reasons. Is she on any kind of antidepressant? Because as Sidhedevil mentions, SSRIs have a tendency to cause libido loss. If she's on hormonal birth control at the same time, that can be doubly hard. Or, could she be depressed? In my experience, all those things combined can really work against your libido. I finally ditched hormonal birth control, for a variety of reasons, and went with a copper IUD.
Keep talking with each other. My partner and I have completely mismatched libidos. I'm female and have (what I consider) an average drive while he doesn't have nearly as much drive. We talked. We continue to talk. We've worked out our system and we're both happy and satisfied. So, keep talking.
posted by persephone's rant at 4:53 PM on June 26, 2012
Keep talking with each other. My partner and I have completely mismatched libidos. I'm female and have (what I consider) an average drive while he doesn't have nearly as much drive. We talked. We continue to talk. We've worked out our system and we're both happy and satisfied. So, keep talking.
posted by persephone's rant at 4:53 PM on June 26, 2012
Just popping in to say that I've been on and off Nuvaring (and other hormonal bc) multiple times and my libido gradually decreased when on birth control (so low that I was rarely in the mood anymore at all) and was noticeably MUCH higher after stopping birth control. That could definitely be a factor.
Good luck figuring it all out!
posted by sucre at 6:55 PM on June 26, 2012
Good luck figuring it all out!
posted by sucre at 6:55 PM on June 26, 2012
Response by poster: We just had a long talk. I was expecting to feel relieved and unburdened afterwards. Instead I feel worried and anxious. She said she wanted to go lie down by herself for a while. I'm not sure what is going to happen next.
posted by moonroof at 9:30 PM on June 26, 2012
posted by moonroof at 9:30 PM on June 26, 2012
Hey moonroof, sorry to hear you feel worried and anxious. Sometimes that's just what happens when you're in between a series of conversations that ultimately lead to a solution. (It may take more than one.) And her saying she wanted to lie down by herself for a while isn't necessarily a bad thing--it may just be how she processes. Genuinely hope that it all works out in both of your favor. You seem like a nice, thoughtful guy.
Hope that if you need any more specific advice, you'll post again. Best of luck, and feel free to memail me.
posted by dysh at 8:06 AM on June 27, 2012
Hope that if you need any more specific advice, you'll post again. Best of luck, and feel free to memail me.
posted by dysh at 8:06 AM on June 27, 2012
Unfortunately, moonroof, I think "relieved and unburdened" is not the result of conversations like these. Nobody has a conversation about feeling dissatisfied with an aspect of a relationship and goes "whew!" You're in a difficult situation and there are a lot of different results that may come from it. Nevertheless, facing this problem is important and I'm glad you two are doing that. Good luck with this, whatever the result.
posted by shmegegge at 8:39 AM on June 27, 2012
posted by shmegegge at 8:39 AM on June 27, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I can't believe that her therapist told her how much sex to have, that seems really wrong to me. As for her friends, who cares what they think and what works for them? That's between them and their partners.
You and your girlfriend need to discuss what's appropriate for you as a couple. Can she get into it for your sake once a week and alternating Saturdays? (I mean, come on, how hard is it?)
Certainly if she has an aversion and absolutely doesn't want to have sex, then there's no trumping that. But barring that, can you agree, in the interest of fairness and happiness for the BOTH of you that you have a certain amount of sex?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:10 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]