How seriously should I take him?
June 7, 2012 1:20 PM   Subscribe

How seriously should I take his repeated suggestions that I move to his town?

Background: I'm a recent graduate (23/F) and ready to relocate for my first real job! My particular field allows me to consider pretty much any major international city for a job, so I've been happily considering my options, and visiting a couple of cities to see for myself before I actually make the move.

The guy (26) in question is an acquaintance I've known for 3 years (we went to the same school), and right off the bat we were never just friends because we flirted and made out 2 months into knowing each other, right before he moved out of town for a job. Since the move though, we have been keeping in touch and the nature of our correspondence has always been flirtatious. Anyway, 3 months ago we were IMing when he found that I was looking into places to relocate to, and since then had been encouraging that I consider the city he's in. He even went as far as offering to put a good word in for me at his office, which I was interested in (we have the same profession). Up until that point I had dismissed our conversations as fun flirty banter (since he was famous for being quite the sexual animal back in college), but the potential of working in a fun town with relatively good job prospect, a good solid group of people I already know AND the possibility of hooking up with him got my attention. So recently I flew over to visit and stayed with him for a week to see the city for myself, and...yep you guessed it, it was a even better time than I had expected!

He showed me around his neighborhood, made me brunch, and we hung out with his best friends. On days when he was at work, I would get texts from him making sure that I was okay when I was alone (rest of the time I was either with friends or on casual dates with a couple of male acquaintances). We then would meet later in the day and have dinner, go out for drinks, and finally snuggle in bed, watch TV and have (amazing) sex. We would talk about our families, dreams, all the things you talk about when it's just going well. We had such a good time that he actually said that he wish we got to spend more time together when we first met (back in 3 years ago). On the last two nights, he even held my hand as we walked back to his place. And did i mention that he was still mentioning that I should move the whole time?

Now I'm back, still warm and fuzzy from the sight of him staring back at my cab as it took off for the airport. I think I actually want to move to his city, and am also enamored with him especially having gotten to know him better as a person. I feel very encouraged by his suggestion that I move, am enamored by and want to take it (and everything else that he did/said) as a sign that he's into me as more than just what we are right now.

So the question is, should I just go for it and move to his city (given that I get a job offer, which is likely)? Is it legitimate that he is part of the reason for it? I must make it clear that while I'm completely drowning in limerence right now that even if it doesn't work out between us, I would still be happy to be in the new town because I already have friends/casual dates/(by then) a job there. And importantly, how should I approach us? Should I bring up the subject with him at all? Or let it develop when I actually am in the city first (for fear of making things so serious so fast)?

Thank you all in advance!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total)
My only suggestions:

1. Do not, under any circumstances, move in with him right away
2. Do not, under any circumstances, take a job working in his office. What if your relationship sours? It will be awful to go to work every day.

But otherwise you're young, have other friends there, like the city, and think you can get a job there? Go for it! Even if the relationship doesn't work out, moving to a new place is a great experience when you're young.
posted by jabes at 1:24 PM on June 7, 2012 [14 favorites]

If you have a likely job offer, you should go for it! You don't have anything to lose. But it's important that you have other things there to keep things steady: a job, your own apartment/place to go, other friends. Enjoy!
posted by mochapickle at 1:27 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

I agree with jabes. It sounds like you would be happy there even if they guy thing doesn't work out, so the budding relationship is just a bonus tick in the plus side of evaluating that city. Go for it, but take his advice on getting your own place and a different employer.
posted by Eicats at 1:30 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

(sorry- his/her, didn't mean to genderize you jabes!)
posted by Eicats at 1:30 PM on June 7, 2012

Is your question about whether you should relocate to this particular city, or whether this boy is serious about you?

I think that if you like the city in question, have strong job prospects (especially if you would have a job offer before relocating), and have a built in group of friends in this new city, yeah, that all sounds great! Definitely move there!

On the other hand, I think that if you are mostly relocating there as opposed to somewhere else because of this guy, and the potential job and the potential friends are just icing on the cake, then maybe you should think this through a little more.

Because to be extremely honest, there is a strong chance that this dude is not, like, THE ONE 4-EVA, and that you would (eventually) need to live in this city and not be dating him. And regardless of whether that is next month or next year, it's something you need to think about in a very responsible and emotionless sort of way, completely divorced from your feeling for him.
posted by Sara C. at 1:31 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is it legitimate that he is part of the reason for it? I must make it clear that while I'm completely drowning in limerence right now that even if it doesn't work out between us, I would still be happy to be in the new town because I already have friends/casual dates/(by then) a job there.

Yep, totally legitimate. Most people with a bunch of otherwise equal choices will end up being most influenced by something random - 'well I love the history of Chicago' or 'it has such beautiful cobbled streets' or similar. Having a guy there that you like, if all else is really equal, is a good enough reason to tip the balance.

Nthing don't move in with the guy straight up, and be careful about tying your work life together too much. Don't invest everything into the idea that you'll be in the city with him - as Sara said, at some point you probably won't be with him and you should be sure that you're ok with that.
posted by jacalata at 1:35 PM on June 7, 2012

Do it! You like him, you like the city, you like the job. The only thing I'd suggest is not to move in with him, not even temporarily to find a place.

Go for it!
posted by vivzan at 1:37 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

How seriously should I take him?
Not seriously at all - you have no idea of whether his intentions match your expectations. But if you like the city, have friends there, and can get a job/place to live (somewhere that he isn't), then go for it. World is your oyster, and alladat.

Considering that you are, at best, casually dating, I think that unless he brings it up, I wouldn't feel any need to approach the "us" part. You're not moving there for him/a relationship, solely, so I'd avoid giving him that impression (of course, if it does, that's a different AskMe) OR dismissing what you've already got going.
posted by sm1tten at 1:40 PM on June 7, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you get offered the job, consider it seriously and if it seems as good or better than any other offer, accept it.

Leave your friend out of the equation. Nthing not to move in with him, but certainly keep him apprised of your comings and goings. It's fine to locate near your job and your friends, (including him) but don't orbit around this guy.

Have fun!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:52 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

You should move if you have reasons for moving other than this guy.

None of us know how he's feeling. He could be totally head over heels for you or excited that a reliable bootycall will be moving to his city or anywhere in between.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 2:04 PM on June 7, 2012

It's as good a reason as any to pick a place to start out, assuming all other options are equal to you. Just don't pin all your hopes on things with this guy working out...which it sounds like you're not. Have fun!
posted by elizeh at 2:15 PM on June 7, 2012

Take him seriously as a person you know and like who is offering to be supportive if you choose to move to his city. Do not take him seriously (yet) as a romantic prospect, and do not move to his city until/unless you would move there even if he wasn't there.
posted by davejay at 2:43 PM on June 7, 2012

You are young and you should jump on adventures like this! Follow your heart, and don't be afraid to live!! You will only regret NOT doing it!!
posted by katypickle at 2:59 PM on June 7, 2012

Hell yeah! Just get your own place and make sure you develop some good platonic friendships.
posted by fshgrl at 3:07 PM on June 7, 2012 [1 favorite]

Move, sure! If it doesn't work out, you can pick up and move elsewhere (and seriously, tell yourself taking these chances is no big deal - you'll weather any potential disappointment easier). Can you see yourself moving to a different city joyfully at this point? No, I thought not. So, you're in.

Don't get wade into any relationship territory talks until you move there and get settled, though. Keep it light and flirty and fun now. Let this guy show you who he is when you get there. Don't set up a grand romantic hurdle course for you both to run before you even have your stuff packed in moving boxes.

(And like others say, don't take a job offer at his same office. Bad juju for a relationship, there.)
posted by griselda at 3:21 PM on June 7, 2012

I moved to a wholly new city at the relatively early stage of dating someone, though it was more explicitly called out as exclusive dating, and we'd been doing "long distance" for some months. We've been together for hmmm, 7 years now, and I'm so glad I did.

But I have moved all around for a variety of reasons. It sounds nice, you should move. If it doesn't work out, you can always move back right? I think there is a tendency in life for us to view big decisions as irrevocable and committing us evermore to a certain path, but generally it's not true at all. Worse case scenario, it doesn't work out, you will have learnt something, seen a great new city, etc. Go for it.
posted by smoke at 4:20 PM on June 7, 2012

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