Will this be a "Chasing Amy" sequel?

July 25, 2005 2:32 PM

I've been dating a wonderful guy for a month or so and have slowly come to the realization that while he has had relationships with women in the past, his social circle definitely views him as gay. I know each situation is unique, and I'm just going to have to keep the lines of communication open and see where this goes, but I'd like to hear what people's experience has been in other situations like this.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I'm not really understanding what your question is. Other situations like what, exactly?

Are you thinking that he's bisexual and this might be a problem for you? Are you thinking his friends are right and that he's in the closet and isn't really into you? What's the problem?
posted by Specklet at 2:43 PM on July 25, 2005

I agree the question doesn't give enough background information, so it's hard to be helpful.

Certainly find out his sexual history before becoming intimate. If you believe what he says and are comfortable, then proceed as normal.

A lot depends on why his social circle sees him as gay - first hand knowledge or simply based upon his mannerisms, etc.
posted by LadyBonita at 2:59 PM on July 25, 2005

I can only give you this perspective.

I have had a number of friends who thought they were straight, but our social circle quietly believed that they were gay... every time the social circle was proven correct.

These were men in their teens or just entering college - I haven't had that experience in adulthood.

All of these men dated women and had crushes on girls, but now exclusively identify as homosexual.

This of course has no bearing on you really. Just one person's experience.

I think your plan to stay open and communicative is vital. If he is questioning his orientation than it might make it easier for him to be truthful with you.

Also, how well do you know his friends? Did they come to you with this information with nothing to back it up? How fair was that? Perhaps you can ask them to elaborate.
posted by Julnyes at 3:16 PM on July 25, 2005

This is a perfect example of a question written so as to preclude helpful advice. The poster does not even specify if they are a man or a woman and within this context they could be either, though the context implies the poster is female.

It is also necessary to qualify statements such as "his social circle definitely views him as gay" with further information.

Finally, and this just keeps coming up in questions of this nature, the first and major question in almost any situation of relational ambiguity is have you spoken with your partner about it, and if so what was the outcome of the conversation, and if not why not.

When posting anonymously follow-up is not an option. Err on the side of more information.
posted by nanojath at 3:16 PM on July 25, 2005

I had a girlfriend that was convinced I was gay. No, I'm not making this up. I'm not and none of my friends think so. None of her gay roommates thought so, but she was sure. Her only previous serious boyfriend had turned out to be pinch hitting for the other side, her father had left her mother for a man, and her only other close male friends (thus the roommates) were gay, therefore, all men must be gay.

She constantly plotted and schemed to catch me in some sort of gay lie, but, being strait, I managed to foil her plans. Finally, I'd had enough. The relationship was most certainly over, even sex was by then no longer of any interest (of course adding fuel to the fictional flames).

Basically, my advice is, ask seriously, and be done with it. If you like him, please don't continue to harp on the issue, I know it doesn't make a strait guy feel especially manly to have his sexuality questioned by the one person that is supposed to know better than anyone else.
posted by Pollomacho at 3:21 PM on July 25, 2005

Ask the members of his circle why they think he's gay. If it turns out he once got drunk and made out with his roommate, well then, that raises a few questions. Or, he could be one of those guys that just really likes pro-wrestling.

Seriously, there's no reason to worry about little bullshit things like this. If you really like him, then ignore his friends and forget about it. If this really concerns you and it affects your feelings for him, then ask him directly: Say, why do all your friends think you're gay?

Whatever you do don't let little secret worries like this poison what could be a good thing.
posted by nixerman at 3:29 PM on July 25, 2005

What nanojath said.
There was a rather controversial study done of self-identifying bisexual men's physical responses to straight and gay porn, with the result claimed that they were "really" one or the other.
posted by Aknaton at 3:29 PM on July 25, 2005

It might also be helpful to know how old Anonymous and the wonderful guy are. In my high school experience, those who were socially whispered about as potentially gay did, in some cases, turn out to be. At that age, though, direct questions didn't always lead to helpful answers, because the suspected-gay people still needed to take the time to date a bunch of people they were attracted to, see if they fell in love, and just generally sort it out for themselves.

Personal experience: I am female and I dated four guys who were suspected of being gay by their social circles and/or families. Two of them eventually came out as gay, and two of them are straight.

As for what to do, I think that depends on to what degree you like to protect yourself in uncertain situations. It's really no different from dating a guy who is suspected of being a jerk, or who has applied for a school/job on the other side of the world. You can cut out early and only date really firm prospects in order to protect your heart, or you can be adventurous and see where it leads.
posted by xo at 4:20 PM on July 25, 2005

There's a good chance he's not. There's a good chance he is. Don't try to catch him in a lie about it... the best thing to do is just kind of ignore it and be a good girlfriend. If he's gay, he's gay ... not much you can do about it, really. But if you like him, just let things roll off.

A lot of people think I'm gay. I tend to be a moderately stylish dresser, I love victorian homes, I'm on the skinny side and don't have a lot of interest in being big and buff, I like talking things out instead of confrontations, I'm more logical than passionate, and I don't really enjoy sports that much. While I hate to spoil the rumors, I really don't have any love for the cock. Your guy could be the same way. His 'friends' might be doing him a great disservice in telling potential girlfriends of his that he might be gay... I think I'd be more concerned about his judgement call on friends than his sexuality. ;)
posted by SpecialK at 4:29 PM on July 25, 2005

You should really just ask. It's true that this is more common in adolescence (include the late adolescence known as "college age") but I've also seen it happen twice to men in their 40s. Sometimes even they are convinced that they're straight and just...have no sex drive. Or are depressed. Or are just falling out of love with the wifey. Or whatever.

Another person I know, this one a really good friend, is gay, and didn't come out until he was, oh, 28 or so. Dated women, had sex with them, everything. He just had some powerful family and cultural influences that simply did not allow him to come to terms with his inclinations for the longest time. Most of us (his social circle) gave a giant cumulative *yawn* when he had the big "coming out" conversation with us. We had seen it coming long before he did.
posted by Miko at 5:03 PM on July 25, 2005

As a semi-official gay man, my suggestion would be to politely ask his or your gay male friends for input. Our sixth and seventh senses rarely fail us. /seriousfilter
posted by Rothko at 6:07 PM on July 25, 2005

Is this the guy's friends -- people who actually know him well -- or the people he works with/drinks with that aren't really friends?

I've had workmates and associates think I'm gay but my friends know better. For better or worse, some people are still stuck in junior high, and think that the way a person dresses, music he listens to, or type of movie he likes to watch somehow define who he wants to fuck. Sorry to spoil the sport, people, but I could wear pink 24/7 and love musical theatre, and still be thoroughly (if probably unsuccessfully) heterosexual.

OTOH, friends know things that workmates do not.
posted by dreamsign at 11:00 PM on July 25, 2005

Maybe he is gay. It's not outside the realm of possibility that he's attracted to you despite your gender. One of my friends claimed to have a huge crush on me last year although he strongly identifies as a gay man. I thought it was a joke and ended up unintentionally hurting his feelings. If this is the case with your guy then I doubt it will end well, he isn't going to stop being attracted to men just because he's with you.

On the other hand, maybe his friends are just having a problem accepting his bisexuality. In that case, the two of you have as good a chance as any couple.
posted by cali at 12:13 AM on July 26, 2005

My first partner didn't come out (to himself!) 'til his late 30's. Part of his problem was a gay cousin in the pre-Stonewall days. He couldn't relate at all to his cousin, so felt he must be stra8. Oops. When he came out to his friends, their response was "We wondered when you'd figure it out!"

In my teens, I knew guys who thought they were stra8, but I knew better. I was right. I was just a VERY early bloomer. Frustrating as hell, for me!

If you think someone is gay, but they live stra8, check their religion. Mormons are the worse this way.
posted by Goofyy at 12:25 AM on July 26, 2005

OK, just speaking as someone who's been told he's gay a lot but ain't, the whole "the community is always right about what's going on in the subject's head" trend that this thread has started to take is really starting to both deeply disturb me and piss me off. (And don't get me started about using "Str8" ... if I ever wished for the power to call out an airstrike, it's now that I want it. Yes, Gooffyy, I'm looking at you.) Saying someone is gay but closeted and doesn't really know it themselves is a very poor type of stereotyping, and should've been left on the middle school playground.

Ever think the reason these people might be coming out of the closet 20 or 30 years later is that they've been questioned over the past 30 years? Sheesh. If you want to be a person's friend, don't call into question one of the most deeply seated parts of a person's psychology. Let them make up their mind on their own time and in their own way.

Chances are if they're really closeted, they're going to have enough questions in their own mind without you jumping up and down on their head shouting, "ARE YA GAY NOW? HUH? HUH? ARE YA? HUH? ARE YA GAY YET? HUH? HUH? WHAT ABOUT NOW? HUH?" ... and in the mean time, you're putting up what's probably the biggest cockblock known to mankind. Shut the fuck up already. I'm socially incompetent enough as it is, I don't need help.

You can 'know' it in your head, but this is one of those times when saying something -- especially to poor Anonymous up there, not to mention her beaux, is in poor taste at best, annoying most of the time, and is pretty fucking rediculous at it's worst. Gays have an excuse for pointing fingers, albiet a poor one; one of my lesbian friends said to me over drinks last week that she had felt bad for thining a particularly masculine coworker was gay, but after analyzing why she thought it she realized it was reflection of her own insecurity in her sexuality and having come out to her parents recently. That's the only excuse I'll accept. The rest of y'all need to stuff a giant sock in it.
posted by SpecialK at 1:21 AM on July 26, 2005

I second pollomancho's advice. For some reason, gay men have always been attracted to me. Several of my (now) wife's friends warned her that they thought I was gay when we started dating. She asked me (quite bluntly) on about our second date, and that was the end of it. I was kind of hurt that she'd asked, but I'd been dealing with some other peoples' suspicions for a while, so I got over it. We're both glad she asked early on so that we could get it out of the way and continue getting to know each other. I think the important thing was that she didn't ask it as though she assumed it was true...she just needed to know before she wasted several months of her life on someone with whom she didn't have a future.
posted by richmondparker at 6:43 AM on July 26, 2005

Special K, your point about stereotyping is taken -- that's why I said "ask him directly." But anonymous does need to look out for herself first.

As a friend, it's perfectly all right not to needle and push someone about whether or not they think they're gay yet. Friends can allow friends to figure things out in their own good time. And if you're just talking about a co-worker, well, it's none of your business at all unless you become friends.

But as a person in a dating relationship, anonymous has every right in the world to ask directly whether she should invest her time in a romantic/sexual future with this person. His answer really depends only on his own maturity. Sexual orientation (including any questioning stage) is never, ever an excuse to work out your identity questions on someone else. It's a simply integrity issue. If she asks, and he says "definitely not" with full integrity based on his present information, then that's all she can go on. At some later date, it's possible he might discover that he was wrong about that, but then the damage is done. That happens in life. But another scenario, a problem one, arises when the person does have a clue, is sexually active outside the relationship, and is not able or willing to be honest about it. That happens in life too. And when it does, it's not a political, respect, or privacy issue -- it's an issue of physical and mental health for the partner. So it's vital that the person be directly asked.

Questions for anonymous: Does he know his social circle looks at him as gay? Why has the social circle shared this with you and not with him? Is there any reason besides the social circle's opinion that you might think something is 'off' in your relationship? Is there a lack of comunication or a lack of chemistry? Are there unexplained or vague situations and relationships in his life? Is he unusually private or secretive about certain people, places, or times? Does he express ambivalence about your relationship? Think about these questions. There are no right or wrong answers, but they might help clarify whether or not this disconnect between the boyfriend and the friends is a problem for you.
posted by Miko at 7:30 AM on July 28, 2005