Heartbreak support
May 20, 2012 11:32 AM Subscribe
Is there something like a 12-step program with meetings that I could attend that focuses on getting over a breakup?
The answer to this question turned out to be DUMPED. I'm heartbroken and wanting to both fill my head with other people's stories to drown out my own, and talk about my misery with people in similar straits. I'm talking to friends/my therapist etc already, but I could really use the structure and availability of a daily meeting. Does anything like this exist? I'm in San Francisco.
The answer to this question turned out to be DUMPED. I'm heartbroken and wanting to both fill my head with other people's stories to drown out my own, and talk about my misery with people in similar straits. I'm talking to friends/my therapist etc already, but I could really use the structure and availability of a daily meeting. Does anything like this exist? I'm in San Francisco.
Rather than focusing on your misery (which becomes a feedback loop after a while) what about joining a group of happy people in creating something positive (like Habitat for Humanity, or people preparing for a local parade etc)? I hope your therapist will be able to see you with a bit more frequency to get you over the initial hump in developing coping skills, but a four month relationship is not worth losing a lot of time dwelling on negativity or self-blame.
posted by saucysault at 11:55 AM on May 20, 2012
posted by saucysault at 11:55 AM on May 20, 2012
Are you open to online stuff? I've found breakup-related messageboards to be helpful for sharing stories and getting support (though best used in moderation, so that they don't keep you stuck in your misery).
Not a messageboard, but this blog is a wonderful tonic for the heartbroken soul. She really gets it, and is very funny to boot. Read through her posts on rejection, and on self-esteem, for a quick boost.
Some will say that a four-month relationship isn't something to suffer over, but in my experience, those short ones are actually quite hard to shake, because you haven't had enough time with the other person to grow annoyed with their human foibles, to see their flaws -- you were still in the honeymoon phase when it ended.
I think, though, it comes down to just allowing yourself time to grieve; to slog through the slough of despond; to not minimize or avoid the pain. How you choose to fill that time will ultimately effect how you come out the other side (e.g., choosing to take up a sport rather than take up the bottle), but you still gotta do that long march through.
posted by quivering_fantods at 12:24 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Not a messageboard, but this blog is a wonderful tonic for the heartbroken soul. She really gets it, and is very funny to boot. Read through her posts on rejection, and on self-esteem, for a quick boost.
Some will say that a four-month relationship isn't something to suffer over, but in my experience, those short ones are actually quite hard to shake, because you haven't had enough time with the other person to grow annoyed with their human foibles, to see their flaws -- you were still in the honeymoon phase when it ended.
I think, though, it comes down to just allowing yourself time to grieve; to slog through the slough of despond; to not minimize or avoid the pain. How you choose to fill that time will ultimately effect how you come out the other side (e.g., choosing to take up a sport rather than take up the bottle), but you still gotta do that long march through.
posted by quivering_fantods at 12:24 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You may also consider Codependents Anonymous: Here's the SF branch
posted by sibboleth at 12:56 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by sibboleth at 12:56 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Came here to mention that EA exists. I was in it a long time ago for a couple of years. A couple of issues I do have with it:
- as the first couple posters mentioned, there are some emotionally unhealthy people in it (surprise!). If you're in therapy and paying for that already, group therapy might be better. I made some friends in EA that turned out to be some of the most unhealthy people to be around, ever.
- there is a strange tendency, at least based on the limited sample of people I met in my association with it, to want to aspire toward the emotional issues of an alcoholic, or of "children of alcoholics," another branch of the 12-step family. I want to be careful how I put this, because I neither want to put down alcoholics or the 12-step philosophy, but it's almost like some of them felt they were in the farm leagues and that what they really wanted was the emotional issues of or to be recognized as an alcoholic. Example - I met one woman who drank seldom if ever, and I never knew of her getting drunk, and she started identifying herself as an alcoholic "by nature," or such like. Right about then, I decided I'd had enough "help."
I know it's a cliche, but time does heal, and you shouldn't consider yourself odd because it takes time to right the ship.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
- as the first couple posters mentioned, there are some emotionally unhealthy people in it (surprise!). If you're in therapy and paying for that already, group therapy might be better. I made some friends in EA that turned out to be some of the most unhealthy people to be around, ever.
- there is a strange tendency, at least based on the limited sample of people I met in my association with it, to want to aspire toward the emotional issues of an alcoholic, or of "children of alcoholics," another branch of the 12-step family. I want to be careful how I put this, because I neither want to put down alcoholics or the 12-step philosophy, but it's almost like some of them felt they were in the farm leagues and that what they really wanted was the emotional issues of or to be recognized as an alcoholic. Example - I met one woman who drank seldom if ever, and I never knew of her getting drunk, and she started identifying herself as an alcoholic "by nature," or such like. Right about then, I decided I'd had enough "help."
I know it's a cliche, but time does heal, and you shouldn't consider yourself odd because it takes time to right the ship.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd say don't go to AA, as suggested above. You said you want to find somewhere to talk about this, and AA isn't it. AA is for people who want to stop drinking and stay stopped. I'd suggest Emotions Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous or Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous instead.
posted by essexjan at 1:45 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by essexjan at 1:45 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for the suggestions and info everyone. I'm feeling a bit wobbly during this first week after the ka-blammo, and wanted to know all my available options for the initial short-term emotional terribleness period. This helps.
posted by Failure31 at 2:05 PM on May 20, 2012
posted by Failure31 at 2:05 PM on May 20, 2012
I will second randomkeystrike's thoughts on the potential pitfalls of trying to fit your support needs into the 12-step model. I would recommend instead a support group that includes a professionally-trained facilitator. The facilitator will keep the group on track, keep the interactions appropriate, and prevent you from being subjected to the sometimes not-so-healthy agendas others bring to unsupervised groups.
If you do choose to go to a 12-step-flavored group, please do not go to ones geared toward addictions that you yourself don't have. You'll be muddling the water for yourself, and I don't think it will be an efficient way to get the help you want.
posted by quivering_fantods at 8:15 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you do choose to go to a 12-step-flavored group, please do not go to ones geared toward addictions that you yourself don't have. You'll be muddling the water for yourself, and I don't think it will be an efficient way to get the help you want.
posted by quivering_fantods at 8:15 PM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
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You can also always go to AA meetings. While you aren't technically an alcoholic, no one is going to ask you or make you speak or even batan eye if you show up and quietly listen. Be sure to choose a meeting that is public and has speakers if you don't want to have to participate.
posted by mrfuga0 at 11:47 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]