What does (depressive) self-criticism sound like?
May 19, 2012 3:30 PM   Subscribe

What does (depressive) self-criticism sound like?

I'm having a little difficulty formulating this question exactly, so I'll include a little background to hopefully clarify.

I've had depressive symptoms, on and off, for years. Things have been on an upswing for a while now, largely due to more focus on health (eating, exercise), and some reorientation of thought patterns and tendencies.

For a long time, descriptions of depression didn't really resonate with me. This is because I'd hear people saying things like "I can't do X because Y", or "I'm terrible because X".

That was never the case with me, or at least very rarely. Instead, my self-critique was more of the form of imaging fictional situations where *other* people would have those reactions.

For example, if friends were going out for the evening and I wasn't coming, the thought might occur to me that someone would be criticizing me at the gathering. Or, if someone made an off-hand comment, I might imaginatively construct what they're thinking - either to deconstruct a compliment or amplify a (perceived) criticism.

For what it's worth, these aren't so much things that I sit and perseverate over, but idle thoughts while I'm, for example, washing dishes. Also, I've been diagnosed and treated for OCD, so that likely has some effect.

Things have gotten much better, for which I'm grateful. Still, I'd like to check in to see whether my experience is familiar, or whether it's more idiosyncratic.
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (14 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
I totally have thoughts about things people might say or think about me (positive, negative, and neutral). I also do the other thing you described (usually "oh my god, you're so fat. Fat fat fat.")
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 3:39 PM on May 19, 2012


I think what you describe sounds like pretty standard depressive thinking - I certainly have done it a lot. One of my favorite podcasts is at mentalpod.com - the Mental Illness Happy Hour. The host interviews people about depression, anxiety, etc, and he is a brilliant interviewer. People just open up and say exactly what's going on in their heads. It's fascinating. And it really makes you realize that you are not alone with your thoughts, because so many other people have them too.
posted by selfmedicating at 3:43 PM on May 19, 2012 [3 favorites]


My own depressive thinking (ANTs, or automatic negative thoughts, a term mefite brina pointed me to) tends to fall in one of two categories: 1) I am so stupid. I am such an idiot. etc, etc, or 2) They probably think I'm awful. They probably think I'm a horrible person. They probably think I'm an idiot.

So, yeah, I think you were/are experiencing negative thoughts in line with depression: just because you're thinking about someone else saying something negative about you doesn't change the fact that it's all coming from inside your head, like the kind of negative thinking you describe.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:03 PM on May 19, 2012 [4 favorites]


I am not a professional mind doc by any means but to me it sounds like your thoughts might lean a bit more towards Social Anxiety Disorder than depression. I have avoided many an outing in fear of the negativity of others and countless hours of self-critical thoughts based on what I felt other people thought of me. Finding out these were anxiety attacks and not depression was eye-opening for me and helped in approaching how I cope.
posted by M Edward at 4:12 PM on May 19, 2012


Due to many recommendations here on AskMe, I've picked up Feeling Good. I'm not done with it yet, but it offers plenty of examples of depressive thoughts and ways to counteract them and seems like a pretty good resource. It's worth flipping through to see if any of it sounds familiar.
posted by asperity at 4:16 PM on May 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


It varies. You *are* a special and unique snowflake.

Thing is, your inner dialogue isn't very far from what you describe as the usual case. When people think to themselves, "I'm not good enough"--well,not good enough for what? For [what we imagine to be] other people's standards.

Your brain is doing exactly the same thing; you're just articulating it differently.

That said, the way you describe it...

Instead, my self-critique was more of the form of imaging fictional situations where *other* people would have those reactions.

...is pretty much textbook social anxiety. Even if this sort of thinking doesn't apply to you in actual real-life social situations, maybe you'd find it more helpful if you looked at your depression from that angle.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:17 PM on May 19, 2012


People who are saying that the OP's experience is not depression are wrong.

If anonymous says depressive symptoms are associated with these imagined situations where she is being criticized, then let's take her at her word. These imagined scenarios can absolutely be linked to depression, particularly when a couple layers beneath the "social" criticism are feelings of rejection, abandonment, self-worth/value, etc., and these are triggered by real or imagined criticism. It's also interesting to think about what comes next; IF you're at a gathering and someone criticizes you, what are the consequences of that, and why?

To the OP: get therapy. There are some really good pros out there. Keep looking til you find one who's a good fit for you. Don't mess around when it comes to your happiness.

And it case somebody might find it useful or interesting in this context, the way I was able to deal with severely limiting thoughts of this nature was NOT to try to stop imagining people being critical of me, or try to replace the criticism with shallow, positive feel-good nonsense, but to 1) actively engage with the various critical people in my mind and 2) accept that all sorts of real or imagined people might be critical or judgmental of me and work on being able to handle that without affecting how I feel about myself.
posted by univac at 4:46 PM on May 19, 2012 [1 favorite]


Really, really standard depressive thoughts. Using imaginary others as a proxy for self-critique is one of the brain's little tricks. I SEE YOU, BRAIN! I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOUR LIPS MOVED AND EVERYTHING.

Seconding the recommendation of Feeling Good.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2012 [5 favorites]


try moodgym - it's pretty neat. it's a series of self-guided excercises that let you give yourself cognitive behavioural therapy. it's free, and well respected.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:25 PM on May 19, 2012


I have had two major depressions in the last 10 years, and a few more bumps along the way. Over the years, I've learned to distinguish between bad days and depressed days. Or, as I like to call it, Grumpy vs. Depressed:

Grumpy: I hate EVERYONE!
Depressed: Everyone HATES me!

I am quite critical of myself (though I'm improving) but I don't perk up and take note of it until my brain insists that everyone agrees with it about what a loser I am. Then it's time to slow down, take care of myself, maybe talk to my shrink, sleep more, meditate.
posted by heatherann at 7:27 PM on May 19, 2012


I'm not even going to go into the cocktail of mental illness I've got going on here inside me, but my depressive thoughts tend towards things like "I've let this person down" or "This person used to think so highly of me and now I've made this terrible mistake and now they think I'm a terrible person and they will never think better of me again" or "Everyone else knows all the terrible secret terrible things I've been keeping secret about myself."
posted by twiggy32 at 12:21 AM on May 20, 2012




IANAD or therapist, but I would like to try to help.

There's no "right" or "wrong" cookie-cutter negative thought type in depression per se - but the fact that you are having involuntary, persistent negative self-talk of any type makes your concern about it valid.

Depression is alienating by nature, and it's not uncommon for depressed people to want to question the validity of their condition, by trying to poke holes in the truth of their own experience, eg. "Do I really *deserve* a legitimate diagnosis, or am I just weak? My depression doesn't sound exactly like X's, so it might just be a personality defect."

If you're given examples of what your depression "should" feel like and the description (or even just part of it) doesn't resonate with you, your first thought may be that - rather than the description being inaccurate or representative of a different variation of depression - "I am not just like this, therefore I am not actually depressed." Those invalidating thoughts can be potentially self-destructive and lead people to do things like ceasing their treatment.

(Finally - Although I think Hyperbole and a Half is fantastic, the way Allie describes her experience is barely passingly similar to mine, and her emergence from her depression - by simply "breaking out of it" one day without medication or therapy, is not usual. My initial interpretation of this comic left me feeling guilty and self-conscious for quite some time.)
posted by gohabsgo at 2:46 AM on May 20, 2012 [1 favorite]


I always thought that self-criticism was not a calculable sign of depression because of the fact that you find fault in something means that you are emotionally invested in not performing poorly. Depression is more about hopelessness. If that type of critique leads to a conclusion of hopelessness, than that could probably be considered a depressive behavior. This sounds like an esteem thing.
posted by Bachsir at 1:08 PM on May 20, 2012


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