How to send a just friends email
May 16, 2012 11:56 AM   Subscribe

I slept with a guy, then found out he might want more of a relationship. How to be nice but make it clear I don't want one?

I spent the last few months on a trip with a really large group of people, but pretty isolated. A week or so before the end, friend told me that one of the guys was interested in me (I'm female). He didn't speak any English, I speak some Spanish (enough to get by, but not fluent by any means) but after thinking about it for a few days, I had sex with him. We didn't discuss anything until afterwards when he asked me where I saw this going and I told him that I'd like to come back the next night, but I was leaving the country after that and I didn't want a relationship. I had assumed this was a very short term thing, based on other interactions in the group.

The next morning, I got my period. Instead of being an adult and doing the mature thing and finding some way of explaining even though I didn't have the words for it, I very briefly told him I couldn't sleep with him and I avoided him for the two days. When I got back home, I regretted not explaining and facebooked him to apologize and explain that it hadn't been him. He responded and said that he was glad for the explanation, he'd felt sad about the situation and asked for an email or phone number if I wanted to communicate.

I am going to say no, because I don't want a relationship (even if I did, our interaction has been a few short conversations and that one night, so I don't know why he wants a relationship) and I don't want to lead him on anymore that I feel like I accidentally did. (I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to contact me if I hadn't contacted him first and he's pretty clear about leaving anything else up to me.)

I feel awkward just saying no, I won't give you my email, because I have no problem giving that out to anyone and I wouldn't mind practicing my spanish, but I'm assuming that it will suggest that I am interested in some sort of relationship. I've led someone on before because I avoided questions and didn't want to hurt their feelings and I am trying really hard to get better at being upfront and clear about stuff. Having to do this in a language I'm not fluent in make me feel like I'm being way too blunt and harsh, but I should probably jsut get over that. What's a polite, honest way to say no? Is accepting his friendship request on facebook a bad idea? Did I do the right thing in contacting him through facebook to explain?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Don't accept his friend request on Facebook. I think now that you've cleared it up with him, that you don't really need to correspond with him any more. So don't give him email or phone info. Just leave it alone.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:07 PM on May 16, 2012

Contacting him to explain was a mistake. He might be thinking the exact same thing as you. Just say "I don't have time to correspond, sorry, but I wish you all the best."
posted by the young rope-rider at 12:08 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

It doesn't sound like you really want to be his friend, aside from practicing Spanish. This might sound terribly heartless, but I just would ignore his friend request. He'll get the hint.
posted by kerning at 12:09 PM on May 16, 2012

This sounds like basically it's already settled for the most part and there isn't a pressing need to say more. Just don't respond to the friend request. You've already told him you don't want a relationship, he's been clear about leaving things up to you - so just let it drop.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:11 PM on May 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

You're done.

Saying anything more is extraneous.

If he asks, then you be completely honest and clear. But if not, you're out. No more.

So don't accept his request and don't give him your contact information.

And you don't have to feel guilty for not wanting things you don't want.
posted by inturnaround at 12:16 PM on May 16, 2012

Hate to say, your main blunder was looking him up and facebooking him to explain to him.. it implies that you may actually be interested. So, really sending mixed signals just to clear your conscious. Sorry, but, that's how'd I'd see it from the other side. So, just be "Yeah, just wanted to explain myself.. sorry to confuse you, I'm done." And leave it at that. Don't friend him or lead him on unintentially otherwise.
posted by rich at 12:25 PM on May 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Just drop it.
posted by empath at 12:26 PM on May 16, 2012

Yeah, you did a nice thing explaining yourself via Facebook. It is a little weird having these types of people as your friends, so it's not just your inability to explain yourself. I think a nice way to wrap this up is to ask for his email or give him yours.

You can control your exposure and get more information that way. And, you know, communicate if you want. People aren't bad because they want different things than you do. They don't deserve to be cut out of your life because you can't set boundaries. Be upfront and clear about stuff. This might be a good chance for you to start trying. It's not easy but I think it's worth it. Boundaries are good. He might be a gushing boy, and a polite no is pretty cool.
posted by phaedon at 1:08 PM on May 16, 2012

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