Am I floundering? I'm at my wits' end.
May 10, 2012 5:13 PM   Subscribe

Am I floundering? I'm at my wits' end. Snowflaking details inside..

I'm very unhappy with my current work-life balance, to the point that it is making me unable to function during my off-time. My job is at an internet company working on web applications.

I've had two "real" jobs in web development (before that, some part-time work). The first one I stuck with despite general boredom for a few years due to the poor recession job market. The other is one I'm in right now, which has turned out to be a lot more like the first job than I had expected.

For the first few months, I loved the new job. I was working on new, exciting stuff and felt like I was really getting it. Then my role changed and it turned out to be a lot of the same problems from at my previous job that I was escaping by changing my course. A typical week involves fixing issues with the web application, estimating work, and explaining what went wrong when the estimations inevitably fail to work out. This last point is especially hard for me. I feel like I'm letting down my employer and doing a poor job, mainly because: a) I don't really understand a lot of the systems I'm using as it's my first time working with the chosen platforms (which were not chosen by me), b) there's a lot of pressure to get our project out the door from management and other ghostly threats from above, and c) my team is being assembled ad-hoc for this project and there's some required ramp-up time which is being ignored.

I'm probably neck-deep in stress about my current assignment, which makes it hard to keep perspective. But this is hardly a new feeling for me. I have this recurring feeling that I'm making a big mistake and I need to change direction soon. I can't imagine doing this a year from now. If I am, I will be disappointed in myself.

Part of this stress comes from the fact that I feel I'm approaching the age at which I can no longer get away with saying this is my "day job". That it's becoming a de-facto career, whether I like it or not. Many of my co-workers are very ambitious and are extremely serious about their careers. They work long hours and study up over the weekend, go to conferences, spend their lunch break working, etc. I don't have the same commitment. I absolutely need a healthy work-life balance. 50-70 hour work weeks kill me. I have an anxiety disorder and stress management is really crucial to keeping myself healthy and functional. I'm becoming convinced that I can't be healthy in this career.

I have no particular attachment to my current position. I also have no debt. No student loans. No children. No mortgage. I have low rent and don't spend much outside necessities. I have money in the bank, enough to live off for more than six months. I am in my mid-20s. I have no health issues. There are no extenuating circumstances that would force me to stay in on my current track; I am held back only by my own indecision and fear.

There are a hundred other fields I might enjoy. But I have no idea how to get to any of them, or how to filter down the list of hundreds into two or three. Most of them will require investing in further education. Some of them are more realistic than others.

I know that I'm young enough not to be "stuck". I know that people change careers. I just can't convince myself that I can change careers, that it's not going to bankrupt me or put me in a position where I can't find work anymore. I'm really having a hard time just grappling with the concept of doing something else and still paying my rent.

Are there career counselors who specialize in just this type of problem? Or any online or print resources that might help? How do I keep perspective and still do a decent job at work while thinking about jumping ship?
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (9 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
My answer to the part of your question about surviving your current job with less stress:

A typical week involves fixing issues with the web application, estimating work, and explaining what went wrong when the estimations inevitably fail to work out.

Are you under pressure to underestimate? You've got to start giving realistic estimates. Trust me, it looks worse to underestimate and fail to deliver. Start doubling your estimates and see how that goes. Keep logs so you can show people how long it takes to do things if there's pressure to give unrealistic estimates.

Along the lines of keeping logs: I am guessing your group doesn't do anything like development sprints. If you can, get them to start using a formal estimation system that helps to correct the problem. It sounds like your co-workers are ambitious so they should be into that stuff. If they aren't, at least set up your own personal agile development system so you can help yourself be realistic. There are probably even better systems than agile but it's a start.

I don't really understand a lot of the systems I'm using as it's my first time working with the chosen platforms (which were not chosen by me)

Many of my co-workers are very ambitious and are extremely serious about their careers. They work long hours and study up over the weekend, go to conferences, spend their lunch break working, etc. I don't have the same commitment.

You are not going to win this contradiction by not understanding what you do. You work somewhere that wants people to put in lots of time to understand these systems. They probably understand you're new and green but they want you to get to where you're good faster than you want to. This would put stress on anybody. You are going to have to make the case for becoming proficient in 40 hours per week if you want to keep your job, stress-free, and also have your co-workers' approval. As you lower your stress by giving realistic estimates, you'll bank time and energy you previously spent worrying and explaining things. Use that to learn these systems. Look for other ways to save time. If you can push back against office chatter and pointless meetings, you might upset a few people but it's better than the stress of not understanding your work and having an upset boss. I believe you can find the time.

You should strategically plan a couple weeks a year/couple evenings a month for conferences and the other extra things your co-workers do. Make a time budget and spend the time on the best things, and try to choose the fun ones if you have a choice. You will learn and you'll benefit from meeting lots of other normal people in your industry. Yes, this will put you over 40 hours per week, but if you choose when and where it happens, you'll be a lot happier about it and it's better to strategically compromise than spend 50-70 hours over which you feel you have no control. You might even get back the old enjoyment of the job.
posted by michaelh at 5:47 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


For the first few months, I loved the new job. I was working on new, exciting stuff and felt like I was really getting it. Then my role changed...

This, I think, is the key point.

You were initially quite happy in your job, and then the game changed on you. This suggests to me that you don't need to radically re-think your career, but instead, simply find a position and company that will provide what you originally experienced.

There is a huge variation in the way web dev companies and positions are structured. There are positions that don't involve those long hours, or constant stress (though those types of gigs are all too common).

You are really at the beginning stages of your career, and have had limited exposure to what's out there in your area of specialization. I wouldn't throw in the towel quite yet, since you know that it is possible for you to love your work.

You may want to think about doing more exploratory, short-term gigs to find a good match. Contracting (through an agency, or on your own) might expose you to more of the field.

Don't be discouraged by your current stress-fest. Consider it a learning experience that most devs go through early on. It takes a while to learn how to construct a work life that is more balanced. My first real dev job kicked my ass, for many of the reasons yours is kicking yours. I later realized how the structure of the place was such that stress was inevitable (a sick system, if you will).
posted by quivering_fantods at 6:01 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes, honestly have a look at whether you're in a sick system first, not whether you're the one with the actual problem.

If the system is sick, get a new one. At the very least you should be trying that. If that doesn't work, then look for a new career.
posted by mleigh at 6:09 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


The smartest project manager I ever worked for had a simple rule for dealing with programmers' time estimates: take the number the developer gives you, then double it, then go up to the next time unit. So "six hours" actually means twelve days; "two weeks" actually means four months and so on.

If your manager isn't that smart, and is taking your estimates at face value, you will have to do this for him.

The immediate reaction will be a demand to see the task breakdown that could possibly justify such a ridiculously blown-out overall estimate. So you should prepare for that: spend half an hour (that is to day, one working day) breaking down the task you've been asked to estimate into plausible-sounding subtasks; pull an estimate out of your arse for each of those, just as you would have done for the overall task; then apply the reality-scaling rule to each of those sub-estimates. You'll almost certainly end up close to your original wild guess realistic estimate, which only goes to show that the whole process of breaking tasks down into subtasks for the purpose of generating estimates is a pointless waste of time.

But you knew that, and if you think about it, it's exactly why the reality-scaling rule works. Every software project involves vast amounts of wasted time. If you're working on your own, there will be time wasted in procrastination. If you're part of a team, there will be about the same amount of time wasted on doomed attempts to keep everybody on the same page (the bigger the team, the worse this gets).

All software, everywhere, without exception, is either ready when it's been given enough time to get ready, or shipped before it's ready. If you can find your way into a shop that leans more toward the former, you will be working with smarter developers, smarter management and much less stress.
posted by flabdablet at 6:21 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


Are they doing the thing where you say, "It'll take two weeks" and they go "TWO WEEKS?! This better be done by Wednesday!" and you sort of have to suck it up and try to make it to Wednesday only it's impossible to get out by Wednesday so everyone freaks out and yells at you but the cycle repeats endlessly forever...If it's that, it's probably the company you work for. And having worked in one of those shops, let me tell you, it doesn't end. Nothing you do is ever good enough because they thrive on the chaos, panic, and dysfunction. They have no idea how to cope with what most people would be consider normal because the entire operation functions based on the chaos and panic and yelling and flailing around.

The thing you need to think about is do you actually enjoy the actual work? Like excise all the bullshit and politics and the management and the team crap, do you enjoy what you actually *do*?

Let me give you an example. I have done and still do some freelance PR stuff, right? And one of my contracts was like the king of ridiculous expectations, like he wanted...let me use movies, like he wanted Obscure Independent Flick to get Avengers-level press on an OIF budget even if OIF was terrible, you know? And let me tell you, that doesn't happen when the product is terrible and the budget is nonexistent. So there were regular freakouts about said client not getting enough press when he was using The Avengers as a baseline when we had 1/100th of their budget and quality, and that sucked and I really hated dealing with endless amounts of crap for something based entirely on ridiculous expectations and unreasonable goals. But if I cut all that crap out to the actual work, the talking to people and setting up features and coordinating things and writing and executing great plans, all that I enjoyed (and still enjoy). It was the organization, or the lack thereof, that I disliked.

So are you just dealing with an expectations and/or management mismatch or do you genuinely not like the work?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:26 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]


As for books to help you untangle the problem, a classic is:

What Color Is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers, by Richard Bolles. Your library will have it.

It's been around forever, and is popular for good reason -- it can be quite helpful in figuring out what really matters to you. Not only in terms of workaday stuff, but the bigger picture of your life, and how work fits into it.

(He gets a little woo-woo with the god stuff at times, but as a happy heathen, I just skipped over that stuff.)
posted by quivering_fantods at 6:41 PM on May 10, 2012


Ambivalent about replying because I'm not in your field but I've changed job fields/careers many times in my life, so I can give you some things to think about at least.

Rather than go to career whisperers and coaches, I would recommend finding people who do what you want to do. I would sit back and make a list, first, about what you like/dislike about this job and other jobs in the past. What do you want at your new job? Put that on your list too.

I do wonder if it is your current work environment or what you do. In your field, what would be the dream project or job? Can you find people work there or who have worked there? I would talk to them about hours, how they got what they are and ...see if it hits things on your list. I would bet your coworkers would even be good resources for this (convince one or two to go out for lunch....let them know that you want to find out more about job X (and stress that it is curiosity, so you don't give the wrong impression.

If instead you do want to switch fields, well, you can do everything from post your background to get wild replies (I did it and it was helpful) or look at books about your current field/undergrad major whatever...just to brainstorm. Then do info interviews. Seriously. The goal is not to get them to hire you (when I do them) ,but to find out if ...new job X would be a good fit, how can I get there in the least amount of time, does it meet the things on my job list, etc. Then when you want to jump once again the info interviews are essential ...you will know the hot HR words to have on your CV/resume, you will find shortcuts to get to the job (internship or test vs. going to school again,etc.).

Now about the outside hours people spend towards their careers. That is very unusual to see but I think it is a good thing. My philosophy has been that I am investing in myself ....I will put in extra hours if I learn how to do X or have a sample of X. It can turn into a career that you want or job that you want down the road...but if they offer free training, seminars, or you can pick someone's brain there....do it, there are free resources that you can use to invest in yourself.


Now the hours. Just to put a seed in your head. It may be where you live, it may be your industry (I have friends in IT....most work 50 hours/week minimum...and they may be on call on the weekend, evenings, 2 in the morning. But I agree with you - question the culture in your head. You don't have to do that or buy into it but have some sort of plan as to how you are not and what you are willing to accept not to do it (i.e. lower salary? boring job? No idea what the solution is but no decide what your limits are).

One more thing that I will mention may or may not be relevant to you. I was really not satisfied with most jobs from your age ....for the next 15 years. There were many reasons for this but one thing on my list was also the hours/the uncontrolled schedule (work like a maniac for a few weeks, then need to twiddle your thumbs for 20 hours another week but stay at work for 40 hours, whatever). For me, the eventual answer was that I was never going to find a workplace that gave me the things on my list or had the same values (work 50 hours a week all the time is not what I value...for short time periods or if I learn what I want/okay, but not all the time). Anywho, the answer was that I had to work for myself so I can decide if working X hours is acceptable or not or if I want to go on vacation for a month. So when I did those info interviews, I also researched as to whether a person could work independently in the field, what the rate/pay would be to do so, etc. It was a plan when I moved into the next job field. Mentioning this because I suspect for many fields right now...the only way to achieve the work life balance is if you work for yourself or take another compromise.

posted by Wolfster at 9:52 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Are they doing the thing where you say, "It'll take two weeks" and they go "TWO WEEKS?! This better be done by Wednesday!" and you sort of have to suck it up

If that's what they're doing, here's a reality check.
posted by flabdablet at 10:22 PM on May 10, 2012


I was working in a call center at the Phone Company and one of the union deals was a course where we got all of those aptitude and personality tests. I took the course and sat down with the counselor.

I, a literature loving, English major, was told that my skills, aptitude and interests lay in Accounting.

After laughing myself into an incredulous puddle, I was offered the opportunity to get my M.B.A. at the company's expense. They twisted my arm, but I actually went ahead and did it.

What's my point? I had no idea that I would enjoy Accounting, it never even entered my mind. You may have a hidden talent or aptitude.

Spend a couple of bucks and get tested. See what it turns up.

I also agree with what was said above, your current job started out being great for you, and now it isn't.

So look for another job, be honest with any prospective employers, interview THEM. Isolate what you want in a job:

1. The opportunity to learn new stuff.

2. A 40 hour a week schedule.

3. A relaxed environment.

I'm not sure extra education and a complete career change will result in what you really want. It might, and it will pay to explore it, but don't fall into "the grass is always greener".
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:50 AM on May 11, 2012


« Older How comfortably can a family of four live in...   |   A day late and a note short? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.