Abusive family found me by tracking my phone
May 10, 2012 4:17 PM Subscribe
I moved into a new area, but then I didn't turn off my old cellphone (that my family got me) because my sister was sending me abusive messages and I wanted to collect them as proof just in case I use it in court, and now I got a message that said that I got tracked with the verizon Family Locator (since they were the owner of my old cellphone's account). I didn't even know such thing existed nor thought that my family would actually use that on me. I am terrified because now they know my location, they can just come down here. They were threatening to come over, hire a private cop and a private investigator, and etcetera for days. I am scared to go out the house. I feel messed up. It's already been a hectic week because I was moving my items (without my own car), going to job interviews, dragging groceries, etc... I don't want to burden my new roommates either.. what a shitty week. I tried so hard to find a safe place where no one can find me. I don't know what to do, feel so stupid. I know where the court is, should I just get the restraining order now? Even though my family knows my exact where about.
The tracking service they used was Verizon Family Locator.
I am stumped, just on my knees right now. What should I do... ):
The tracking service they used was Verizon Family Locator.
I am stumped, just on my knees right now. What should I do... ):
They have the previous info, obviously, but not anything new.
posted by rockindata at 4:20 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by rockindata at 4:20 PM on May 10, 2012
Response by poster: I turned off my phone, and will keep it off until I actually need it (like using it in the courthouse to show proof). The problem is, I think they already know my new location (because I got tracked at my new house). They're the kind who checks EVERYWHERE. For example, when my mom was searching for me after I ran from her, she went to my elementary school friend's house to see if I was there (and I wasn't even friends with him since young). I am scared to have my sister appearing at my door with a private investigator, or having a private investigator/cop take pictures of me without my knowing. My mother has hired a private investigator to stalk my dad, so I know this is totally possible. My sister texted me saying that mom gave her $2000 to find me.
posted by kopi at 4:25 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by kopi at 4:25 PM on May 10, 2012
Yes, get a restraining order. IANAL but, I think you would have had to list your address and some other information in the order anyway (like work address) since the people being restrained have to know where they aren't allowed to go.
And a new phone on your own plan.
posted by sbutler at 4:26 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
And a new phone on your own plan.
posted by sbutler at 4:26 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
What happens if they find you? How old are you?
posted by KogeLiz at 4:29 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by KogeLiz at 4:29 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
IANAL
1. Does tracking a family member via Verizon's service constitute an illegal act? You are using the cellphone your family provided you. Can that be construed as harassment?
2. If you wish to monitor your sister's abusive messages via that cellphone, It Is Simple: Bring the cell to a remote location. Plug it in there so it d/N lose power. You should be able to call from yet another remote location to retrieve your sister's messages. Cloak the # you're calling from if your family has access to your cellphone's call log.
All this sounds pretty bad for you. sorry.
posted by Twist at 4:31 PM on May 10, 2012
1. Does tracking a family member via Verizon's service constitute an illegal act? You are using the cellphone your family provided you. Can that be construed as harassment?
2. If you wish to monitor your sister's abusive messages via that cellphone, It Is Simple: Bring the cell to a remote location. Plug it in there so it d/N lose power. You should be able to call from yet another remote location to retrieve your sister's messages. Cloak the # you're calling from if your family has access to your cellphone's call log.
All this sounds pretty bad for you. sorry.
posted by Twist at 4:31 PM on May 10, 2012
Get the restraining order. I remember your previous questions, and thought of you when I saw an HBO documentary about girls kidnapped to their parents' country of origin and married off against their will. The restraining order would at least start a paper trail that there is a problem here.
One thing to think about - can you get your passport and other legal docs out of this location, now that they know about it?
Have you told your roommates at all about the situation? I don't think it's overly burdening to tell them at least some basic info. Maybe if someone came to the door, they could say that you are just a friend and you were visiting, but you don't live there.
I'm sorry about this. It sounds terrible.
posted by coupdefoudre at 4:33 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
One thing to think about - can you get your passport and other legal docs out of this location, now that they know about it?
Have you told your roommates at all about the situation? I don't think it's overly burdening to tell them at least some basic info. Maybe if someone came to the door, they could say that you are just a friend and you were visiting, but you don't live there.
I'm sorry about this. It sounds terrible.
posted by coupdefoudre at 4:33 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oh, I see you posted a similar question last year. Seems like this has been going on quite a while. Are you still a minor?
posted by KogeLiz at 4:34 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by KogeLiz at 4:34 PM on May 10, 2012
Response by poster: I am 19, has been living alone for a year now. If they find me, they will harass me and my roommates (in order to get back at me), and pretty much do anything they have been doing to me since long time ago. Send religious nuts to my house, send strange men I don't know to my house "to check on me", physically threaten me, gang up on me, hit me, all that shit if I don't do what they want. Harass my friends in order to have my friends leave me. Socially isolate me. At least, and many more that I didn't even think they would do to me yet, like send people to spy on me. They've been wanting me to go to a foreign country with them because they thought the apocalypse will happen, and they harassed my high school friends and their parents for helping me out during high school. I am terrified, I don't want the drama, blackmailing, and the physical threats happening all over again.
posted by kopi at 4:36 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by kopi at 4:36 PM on May 10, 2012
Response by poster: KogeLiz, I was a legally an adult when I wrote that question.
posted by kopi at 4:36 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by kopi at 4:36 PM on May 10, 2012
Response by poster: 1. Does tracking a family member via Verizon's service constitute an illegal act? You are using the cellphone your family provided you. Can that be construed as harassment?
I don't think it's illegal as THEY are the ones paying for it and it's under their name. I feel stupid for not throwing away the phone, but at the same time, if I threw away the phone, my family would've come here to get me a whole lot earlier. But, I am an adult and they did it without my permission or knowledge, and there's a lot of name calling and threats of accusing me as a drug addict even though they know I am not.
Oh, and I am scared of being kidnapped. That scenario is starting to sound more possible, especially since my family claims that they are doing it for my own good.
I told my roommate that if someone asks for me or claims to be my relative, never tell the stranger that I live here, and to say, "I don't know what you're talking about". I'll eventually have to tell my roommate how I got tracked, and that he can say that I was just a classmate who came to return his item or something (because if he says I am his friend or even a friend's friend, my family will harass him forever).
Yeah the "giving it to a friend who travels a lot" was the thing I was thinking about.
posted by kopi at 4:52 PM on May 10, 2012
I don't think it's illegal as THEY are the ones paying for it and it's under their name. I feel stupid for not throwing away the phone, but at the same time, if I threw away the phone, my family would've come here to get me a whole lot earlier. But, I am an adult and they did it without my permission or knowledge, and there's a lot of name calling and threats of accusing me as a drug addict even though they know I am not.
Oh, and I am scared of being kidnapped. That scenario is starting to sound more possible, especially since my family claims that they are doing it for my own good.
I told my roommate that if someone asks for me or claims to be my relative, never tell the stranger that I live here, and to say, "I don't know what you're talking about". I'll eventually have to tell my roommate how I got tracked, and that he can say that I was just a classmate who came to return his item or something (because if he says I am his friend or even a friend's friend, my family will harass him forever).
Yeah the "giving it to a friend who travels a lot" was the thing I was thinking about.
posted by kopi at 4:52 PM on May 10, 2012
They were threatening to come over, hire a private cop and a private investigator, and etcetera for days. I am scared to go out the house. I feel messed up. It's already been a hectic week because I was moving my items (without my own car), going to job interviews, dragging groceries, etc... I don't want to burden my new roommates either.. what a shitty week.
There are a hundred good reasons to tell your roommates what's going on. Here's a few:
They're going to be on your side. C'mon, look at the reaction you get when you've asked questions on Metafilter, people give advice and take you seriously and send supportive messages -- and we've never even met you, let alone shared a house with you.
They deserve to know for their own peace of mind in case suspicious people are lurking around. For all you know, one of them has an abusive ex and will be shared shitless thinking that they're the one being stalked.
What if you don't tell your roommates, and then your parents or your sister or gods-know-who shows up at the door and starts telling stories? Don't let your family make you look like the untrustworthy one.
They can help you with getting a handle on things, give you some perspective, and maybe hatch some plans to help circumvent the stalking. See what they come up with, like maybe if anyone comes to the door asking for you, they'll deny having ever heard of you.
posted by desuetude at 5:02 PM on May 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
There are a hundred good reasons to tell your roommates what's going on. Here's a few:
They're going to be on your side. C'mon, look at the reaction you get when you've asked questions on Metafilter, people give advice and take you seriously and send supportive messages -- and we've never even met you, let alone shared a house with you.
They deserve to know for their own peace of mind in case suspicious people are lurking around. For all you know, one of them has an abusive ex and will be shared shitless thinking that they're the one being stalked.
What if you don't tell your roommates, and then your parents or your sister or gods-know-who shows up at the door and starts telling stories? Don't let your family make you look like the untrustworthy one.
They can help you with getting a handle on things, give you some perspective, and maybe hatch some plans to help circumvent the stalking. See what they come up with, like maybe if anyone comes to the door asking for you, they'll deny having ever heard of you.
posted by desuetude at 5:02 PM on May 10, 2012 [5 favorites]
Give your housemates (or any trusted friend) as much information about your family as you can - full names, citizenship, where they have lived and worked, anything you can think of. Can you arrange to check in with them daily and have a fall-back plan (they call the cops, frex) if you aren't there? Can you call an abuse hotline? Obviously, you're not being abused by a partner, but they will have ideas for you. I'm sorry that this is happening!
Also, I'm just a random mefite but if you happen to be in Minnesota you can memail me if an adult with a large social circle can be of any help.
Good on you for getting out, though.
Thirding the restraining order, too. Especially since they apparently know where you are.
posted by Frowner at 5:02 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, I'm just a random mefite but if you happen to be in Minnesota you can memail me if an adult with a large social circle can be of any help.
Good on you for getting out, though.
Thirding the restraining order, too. Especially since they apparently know where you are.
posted by Frowner at 5:02 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Good point. Maybe I was scared to tell my roommates because as a minor, I used to be the one questioned all the time. I should tell him what's going on right away, because who knows when my family and their investigating people come. Is it even legal to hire a private investigator against a person who clearly stated that they want to be left alone, and isn't doing anything illegal?
posted by kopi at 5:07 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by kopi at 5:07 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're legally an adult? nth'ing a restraining order ASAP.
posted by tyllwin at 5:13 PM on May 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by tyllwin at 5:13 PM on May 10, 2012 [6 favorites]
Go to a cafe, and start using the same tracking service yourself so you know as much about it as possible, and get a good feel for how much info they may have obtained, how accurates locations are, how often it updates, stuff like that. You will feel better once this isn't a giant question mark. Basically, figure out if they have your neighborhood, or a list of twenty random locations you've been that they would need to send someone to.
Don't give the phone to a traveling friend unless you are ok making an arrangement that the trustworthy friend can maintain the illusion that you have the phone, ie pass incoming messages to you and enter replies that you send back - that would be ideal, but if you can't do that and if you are not going to move again, then you should let your family continue to know you use the phone, not let on you got a message about the service, and then use the phone to render that tracking info useless amidst a noise of false locations. Eg only switch it on when you're in random distant places, depending on how the app works. Send a lot of repeat locations from the same residential area as if you live there, etc.
Is it even legal to hire a private investigator against a person who clearly stated that they want to be left alone, and isn't doing anything illegal?
A PI can do anything that is legal for a regular person to do, but not more. Eg they can photograph you from across the street (that's legal for anyone), but they can't break into your apartment. (Well they can, but they're breaking the law as much as when anyone else does it).
If you had a restraining order against your family, then them using a PI may violate that, depending on the details.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:16 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't give the phone to a traveling friend unless you are ok making an arrangement that the trustworthy friend can maintain the illusion that you have the phone, ie pass incoming messages to you and enter replies that you send back - that would be ideal, but if you can't do that and if you are not going to move again, then you should let your family continue to know you use the phone, not let on you got a message about the service, and then use the phone to render that tracking info useless amidst a noise of false locations. Eg only switch it on when you're in random distant places, depending on how the app works. Send a lot of repeat locations from the same residential area as if you live there, etc.
Is it even legal to hire a private investigator against a person who clearly stated that they want to be left alone, and isn't doing anything illegal?
A PI can do anything that is legal for a regular person to do, but not more. Eg they can photograph you from across the street (that's legal for anyone), but they can't break into your apartment. (Well they can, but they're breaking the law as much as when anyone else does it).
If you had a restraining order against your family, then them using a PI may violate that, depending on the details.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:16 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is it even legal to hire a private investigator against a person who clearly stated that they want to be left alone, and isn't doing anything illegal?
IANL, but almost certainly. You could hire an investigator to look into their affairs, too.
On the other hand, while it's legal in and of itself, it could be used to show a pattern of stalking. So like it's legal to call or send a letter to someone who doesn't want it, it's not legal to do things that add up to harassment in combination.
It's also legal for you slam a door in the investigator's face, and then to call the cops to have the tresspasser removed from your property. The latter part is easier once you have the restraining order.
posted by tyllwin at 5:18 PM on May 10, 2012
IANL, but almost certainly. You could hire an investigator to look into their affairs, too.
On the other hand, while it's legal in and of itself, it could be used to show a pattern of stalking. So like it's legal to call or send a letter to someone who doesn't want it, it's not legal to do things that add up to harassment in combination.
It's also legal for you slam a door in the investigator's face, and then to call the cops to have the tresspasser removed from your property. The latter part is easier once you have the restraining order.
posted by tyllwin at 5:18 PM on May 10, 2012
There are also GPS-panic-beacon products made for kidnap-wary parents to give to their kids. It sounds like you might get some piece of mind from having a piece of jewellery that at the touch of a button, alerts someone you trust to call 911 and tells them where to find you.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:22 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by -harlequin- at 5:22 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
First, get another phone. Any cheap phone is better than this. Take snapshots of the texts and store them in a safe place.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:23 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by Ideefixe at 5:23 PM on May 10, 2012
I'll eventually have to tell my roommate how I got tracked, and that he can say that I was just a classmate who came to return his item or something (because if he says I am his friend or even a friend's friend, my family will harass him forever).
No, he doesn't say that you're a classmate, he just says "I have no idea what you're talking about." He has no obligation to be even sorta-kinda truthful, it's not illegal to refuse to talk to a stranger who comes to your door. And if your parents refuse to leave, he calls the cops.
You don't have to give your parents any more authority over you than any other random person. I know that's hard, no-one wants to get to the point where they treat their parents like they're menacing strangers in a dark alley, but you need to take care of yourself first.
Is there anything that they can accuse you of that could be understood as possibly technically true? Like, do you have anything valuable that they could rightfully claim as belonging them, like jewelry or electronics? If so, gather these things up, put them aside, and if they try to get the police involved, calmly explain that you're happy to give these things back, here they are, all boxed up, adios.
Don't let them make you feel ashamed of their abusive ways. Stay on the right side of the law, stay (outwardly) calm, be the one that acts rational.
They bought the phone and paid for the plan, that's not going to be stalking, or even help you get a restraining order. You're probably going to need to show some sort of threats (at least verbal) to your safety. Get help from someone in legal aid in your state to mount your case for an order of protection.
posted by desuetude at 5:24 PM on May 10, 2012 [10 favorites]
No, he doesn't say that you're a classmate, he just says "I have no idea what you're talking about." He has no obligation to be even sorta-kinda truthful, it's not illegal to refuse to talk to a stranger who comes to your door. And if your parents refuse to leave, he calls the cops.
You don't have to give your parents any more authority over you than any other random person. I know that's hard, no-one wants to get to the point where they treat their parents like they're menacing strangers in a dark alley, but you need to take care of yourself first.
Is there anything that they can accuse you of that could be understood as possibly technically true? Like, do you have anything valuable that they could rightfully claim as belonging them, like jewelry or electronics? If so, gather these things up, put them aside, and if they try to get the police involved, calmly explain that you're happy to give these things back, here they are, all boxed up, adios.
Don't let them make you feel ashamed of their abusive ways. Stay on the right side of the law, stay (outwardly) calm, be the one that acts rational.
They bought the phone and paid for the plan, that's not going to be stalking, or even help you get a restraining order. You're probably going to need to show some sort of threats (at least verbal) to your safety. Get help from someone in legal aid in your state to mount your case for an order of protection.
posted by desuetude at 5:24 PM on May 10, 2012 [10 favorites]
I'm not a lawyer but it seems to me like whether this is legal or not can't be a totally straightforward thing. It's even disputed how legitimate police doing this kind of surveillance is. At the very least, it might be material to any legal action you take involving restraining orders or to prevent stalking.
In Googling I came across an article entitled "Cell Phone Tracking: The Use of GPS Technology in Stalking" in this November 2010 issue (PDF) of a Florida government newsletter called "Domestic Violence Review".
posted by XMLicious at 5:26 PM on May 10, 2012
In Googling I came across an article entitled "Cell Phone Tracking: The Use of GPS Technology in Stalking" in this November 2010 issue (PDF) of a Florida government newsletter called "Domestic Violence Review".
posted by XMLicious at 5:26 PM on May 10, 2012
Take photos of the screen showing the SMS messages, put the phone in a box and post it somewhere far away. It will eventually go flat, but will leave a false trail leading away from you.
posted by dg at 5:33 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by dg at 5:33 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
So far this phone is their only connection to you. Get some physical distance between you and the phone (car idea is good or mail it to a friend in another state).
Don't let your roommate say that you're a classmate, that's too much of a connection. (If they think you go to school together, they'll know you live in that city). Your roommate doesn't know you, if anyone asks. (S/he could say there were a lot of people for the apartment showing there recently, so you've been one of those folks probably.)
Your family is trying to scare you, for the most part I think.
Can you move? Swap apartments with someone in a different neighborhood for 1-2 month?
Contact an organization and ask what (legal) advice they have. I found PEACE OVER VIOLENCE in L.A. (they have a stalking hotline, no idea if this is any good, but you need to start somewhere). Treat your family like a stalker? Cut off contact with your family? Restraining orders? (You say they could send several people so I am not sure that would help). Other options to report them?
Ask questions, inform yourself about your options.
Log & document threats.
Pack an emergency bag, put all your id's/documents/extra cash in there and prepare where you would/could go if your family showed up suddenly.
But most importantly seek help with an organization that can provide you real help, we are trying to help but guessing for the most part. Be well.
posted by travelwithcats at 5:36 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't let your roommate say that you're a classmate, that's too much of a connection. (If they think you go to school together, they'll know you live in that city). Your roommate doesn't know you, if anyone asks. (S/he could say there were a lot of people for the apartment showing there recently, so you've been one of those folks probably.)
Your family is trying to scare you, for the most part I think.
Can you move? Swap apartments with someone in a different neighborhood for 1-2 month?
Contact an organization and ask what (legal) advice they have. I found PEACE OVER VIOLENCE in L.A. (they have a stalking hotline, no idea if this is any good, but you need to start somewhere). Treat your family like a stalker? Cut off contact with your family? Restraining orders? (You say they could send several people so I am not sure that would help). Other options to report them?
Ask questions, inform yourself about your options.
Log & document threats.
Pack an emergency bag, put all your id's/documents/extra cash in there and prepare where you would/could go if your family showed up suddenly.
But most importantly seek help with an organization that can provide you real help, we are trying to help but guessing for the most part. Be well.
posted by travelwithcats at 5:36 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: There is NOTHING they can use against me. Yeah, my family used to call the cops (at my old state) and accuse me of talking with and visiting strange men online, claim that I am using drugs, or that I stole money/passport/whatever from my parents, things like that in order to make the cops side with them. There wasn't any proof of me doing those though (and I don't even do those, why is my family accusing me of all these outrageous things?). There was proof that I was roughed up by my family because the cops took pictures of my cuts and stuff, so I am the one with proof, not them.
If I can't use the text messages as proof then.. shit. I kept the phone on for nothing.
Hey, good idea. Maybe my roommate can say that he/she doesn't know me at all. He can say that there was a party or a yard sale in the neighborhood so that it can be anyone?
I can't move, this is the only place I can afford and it's pretty awesome here.
posted by kopi at 5:44 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
If I can't use the text messages as proof then.. shit. I kept the phone on for nothing.
Hey, good idea. Maybe my roommate can say that he/she doesn't know me at all. He can say that there was a party or a yard sale in the neighborhood so that it can be anyone?
I can't move, this is the only place I can afford and it's pretty awesome here.
posted by kopi at 5:44 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
If the Verizon Family Locator is the same one my boyfriend's (teenaged) son has, it's not very specific. It's not like "find my iphone" it can only triangulate location based on cell towers and not GPS if you just have a feature phone. So your family would get a loose circle in the area where you live, but not your home address. Not sure what this is like if you have a smart phone but you could call Verizon and ask them about it. My boyfriend had it installed on his son's phone when the kid would occasionally go awol for half a day at a time and it was not a useful "track the kid down" device.
I would still consider a restraining order but maybe don't give up on your place just yet. Tell your roommates you have family who are a little unhinged and to please not let them know you are there. No drama, just matter of fact "Sorry about this, but I can't have my mom or sister knowing where I am"
posted by jessamyn at 6:16 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
I would still consider a restraining order but maybe don't give up on your place just yet. Tell your roommates you have family who are a little unhinged and to please not let them know you are there. No drama, just matter of fact "Sorry about this, but I can't have my mom or sister knowing where I am"
posted by jessamyn at 6:16 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Take the phone to your nearest domestic abuse shelter and ask them what to do with it. Be prepared to tell them the whole story. If you don't have copies of the police reports from your previous incidents, at least get the jurisdiction name, dates, and times written down.
posted by SMPA at 6:41 PM on May 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
posted by SMPA at 6:41 PM on May 10, 2012 [14 favorites]
Lots of good advice but the biggest thing you need to do right now is cease all contact with them. Stop engaging with them over anything. Destroy the phone, stop taking messages, change your phone number(s) and email addresses. Block them on facebook (or disable your account altogether). Like the stuff with immigration and your sister. Why was she even able to contact you about this?
Also, read The Gift of Fear, if you have not yet done so. But first, stop all contact. You can't control what they do but you can control your response.
posted by 6550 at 6:44 PM on May 10, 2012
Also, read The Gift of Fear, if you have not yet done so. But first, stop all contact. You can't control what they do but you can control your response.
posted by 6550 at 6:44 PM on May 10, 2012
OMG !! I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Stay strong! Maybe they will move to another country. Can you tell them you'll join them soon?
You can forward the text messages to an email address, just type the email address instead of a phone number. I made a contact (made it start with a so it's first).
And, as other's have offered, if you need someone to hold the phone and be a decoy, I've got access to several dorms at a large university - that would keep any tracker baffled.
And if your not sure about a restraining order, at least go talk to the cops and/or an attorney, and/or possibly a women's shelter (because they have lots of experience with this type of thing).
Can you stay some place else short term, like two weeks? If they don't see you at your new place, and locate you some place else, and you do a cellphone decoy, your place will be safer.
posted by at at 6:47 PM on May 10, 2012
You can forward the text messages to an email address, just type the email address instead of a phone number. I made a contact (made it start with a so it's first).
And, as other's have offered, if you need someone to hold the phone and be a decoy, I've got access to several dorms at a large university - that would keep any tracker baffled.
And if your not sure about a restraining order, at least go talk to the cops and/or an attorney, and/or possibly a women's shelter (because they have lots of experience with this type of thing).
Can you stay some place else short term, like two weeks? If they don't see you at your new place, and locate you some place else, and you do a cellphone decoy, your place will be safer.
posted by at at 6:47 PM on May 10, 2012
A few things to do, from the perspective of doing something right away: take your name off of the mailbox for the time being, inform your roommates about what's going on, and ask them to deny that you live there if anyone shows up looking for you (in fact, they should deny that they know you, no "there was a party, there was a yard sale", just "I don't know who that is, and you're creeping me out, so I'm closing the door now.")
You can do these things today, right now, at this moment. After you've done them, you should follow the excellent advice that travelwithcats and others provide above.
posted by daveowenville at 6:52 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
You can do these things today, right now, at this moment. After you've done them, you should follow the excellent advice that travelwithcats and others provide above.
posted by daveowenville at 6:52 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Find a way to record or document those messages and get rid of that phone.
posted by Occula at 8:34 PM on May 10, 2012
posted by Occula at 8:34 PM on May 10, 2012
I haven't read through all the replies above, but I remember you from two weeks ago, Kopi. You absolutely have to get the authorities involved.
Start with SMPA's advice. Then go to the campus police, or perhaps student legal aid, or an anti-stalking or women's rights group on campus. If you have to go all the way to the Dean. You're not being a nuisance, you're afraid for your life, and you need allies at school.
What you need first and foremost is somebody that is on your side. You've been running from your family for a good long while now. You talk about worrying that they'll just snatch you off the street. That's no way to live. You've got to get somebody in your corner. That starts with the people at your school whose job it is to help students who are barely into adulthood and who are away from home for the first time. Talk to them. I'm absolutely certain they'd love to help.
I know they're your family. I truly understand how conflicted you have to be about the whole thing. However, normal and loving families don't threaten to kidnap their daughter. It's got to stop, but you have to take steps to make it stop. Go talk to somebody at school. Please.
posted by ob1quixote at 8:37 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Start with SMPA's advice. Then go to the campus police, or perhaps student legal aid, or an anti-stalking or women's rights group on campus. If you have to go all the way to the Dean. You're not being a nuisance, you're afraid for your life, and you need allies at school.
What you need first and foremost is somebody that is on your side. You've been running from your family for a good long while now. You talk about worrying that they'll just snatch you off the street. That's no way to live. You've got to get somebody in your corner. That starts with the people at your school whose job it is to help students who are barely into adulthood and who are away from home for the first time. Talk to them. I'm absolutely certain they'd love to help.
I know they're your family. I truly understand how conflicted you have to be about the whole thing. However, normal and loving families don't threaten to kidnap their daughter. It's got to stop, but you have to take steps to make it stop. Go talk to somebody at school. Please.
posted by ob1quixote at 8:37 PM on May 10, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I thought the family locator was specific (like the address). I don't have an iphone or smartphone nor does anyone else in the family.
"Family member ___-___-____requested your location at ___pm Eastern. To stop these messages, contact the account owner to activate this phone."
I don't know if this means they are already tracking me or not, because it says "activate this phone". But... to be on the safe side, I'll assume that now I am not getting any more texts like this, they probably already activated the tracker.
They didn't threaten to kidnap me, because they didn't write, "we're going to kidnap you". But I will assume the worst when my sister said, "I am going to come and find you, and I am going to hire a private investigator/cop".
They called my school and the housing people several times, so much that my school told them to stop calling. My housing people know, my friends and roommates know, and the head/faculty at school knows my situation. I didn't tell them about fearing being kidnapped though.
I am scared to even go back to the orthodontist back in my old place, because once they have their hands on me, they might as well bribe a mental institution to trap me there without warrant or proof. My family is not wealthy, but they have enough money (and lack of spending control) to use their money on stupid things like finding me.
posted by kopi at 8:49 PM on May 10, 2012
"Family member ___-___-____requested your location at ___pm Eastern. To stop these messages, contact the account owner to activate this phone."
I don't know if this means they are already tracking me or not, because it says "activate this phone". But... to be on the safe side, I'll assume that now I am not getting any more texts like this, they probably already activated the tracker.
They didn't threaten to kidnap me, because they didn't write, "we're going to kidnap you". But I will assume the worst when my sister said, "I am going to come and find you, and I am going to hire a private investigator/cop".
They called my school and the housing people several times, so much that my school told them to stop calling. My housing people know, my friends and roommates know, and the head/faculty at school knows my situation. I didn't tell them about fearing being kidnapped though.
I am scared to even go back to the orthodontist back in my old place, because once they have their hands on me, they might as well bribe a mental institution to trap me there without warrant or proof. My family is not wealthy, but they have enough money (and lack of spending control) to use their money on stupid things like finding me.
posted by kopi at 8:49 PM on May 10, 2012
As a former university administrator myself, let me assure you that there are people at your college or university who want to help you. Ask them for help.
Also, maybe connecting with a therapist would help you; having someone you can talk this stuff through with on a regular basis, and who can help connect you with resources and support might be another source of strength.
Best of luck to you. You will be in my thoughts.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:53 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also, maybe connecting with a therapist would help you; having someone you can talk this stuff through with on a regular basis, and who can help connect you with resources and support might be another source of strength.
Best of luck to you. You will be in my thoughts.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:53 PM on May 10, 2012 [3 favorites]
TAKE THE BATTERY OUT OF THE PHONE! Like now. Flash memory will keep even without a battery, and if you are indeed being stalked to this degree you should have no problem with evidence.
Did your family say anything to you about the place you're currently at or anything else that reveals how specifically they know your location? At least it would reveal that they're not bluffing (The citizenship question you asked two weeks ago suggests they might be doing some of that.)
Call Verizon and find out how precise the family tracker thing is. If you'd rather there not be more info out there don't reveal who you are, even make up a story about your psycho ex and got a text message and WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE TELL THEM!?!? Do it not from home on a land line if it makes you feel better. Don't give a name or any details, just say you believe you are being stalked.
Tell your roommates everything ASAP.
University and law enforcement. Like tomorrow.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 8:54 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Did your family say anything to you about the place you're currently at or anything else that reveals how specifically they know your location? At least it would reveal that they're not bluffing (The citizenship question you asked two weeks ago suggests they might be doing some of that.)
Call Verizon and find out how precise the family tracker thing is. If you'd rather there not be more info out there don't reveal who you are, even make up a story about your psycho ex and got a text message and WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE TELL THEM!?!? Do it not from home on a land line if it makes you feel better. Don't give a name or any details, just say you believe you are being stalked.
Tell your roommates everything ASAP.
University and law enforcement. Like tomorrow.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 8:54 PM on May 10, 2012 [4 favorites]
Tell whoever's in charge of helping students with problems at your school about your fear of being kidnapped. Ask that person if there is anyone at the school who could keep the phone safe for you until/if you need it as evidence.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:57 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:57 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have used Family Locator before. Aside from what jessamyn reports (which is accurate in my experience), I also don't think you can be accurately tracked unless your phone has had particular software uploaded and installed onto it. Again, this was with a non-smart phone (Samsung). That said, I would verify that with Verizon customer assistance, and ask about the feature and its use. (It also may be that they couldnt track you at all without that bit of software on your handset. Sorry, I can't recall the details, but a verizon customer service rep should be able to give you details.)
And yeah, nothing can track you if your phone is turned off, at least if you don't have GPS services turned on.
posted by not_on_display at 9:08 PM on May 10, 2012
And yeah, nothing can track you if your phone is turned off, at least if you don't have GPS services turned on.
posted by not_on_display at 9:08 PM on May 10, 2012
You can use the messages as proof of harassment, unless the messages are too vague. What's not illegal is them using the family locator. Turn the phone off and don't use it again unless you are in court and want to show the judge the messages. You should also mention to the judge that they used family locator to try and find you. Repeat - don't use the phone again unless you go well away from where you live to try and fool them. Otherwise, keep it turned off.
Tell your roommate not to talk about you to anyone who comes to the door or calls. They should act like they've never heard of you and ask the person to leave. "No one by that names lives here. I don't know who you're talking about. You're mistaken." If the person tries to insist on a conversation, your roommate should call the cops.
Contact the local battered women's shelter and legal aid or if your school has resources, start with them.
Consider self defense classes. Consider purchasing a weapon. At some point, you may want to change your name. Do what you have to to keep yourself safe.
posted by shoesietart at 10:20 PM on May 10, 2012
Tell your roommate not to talk about you to anyone who comes to the door or calls. They should act like they've never heard of you and ask the person to leave. "No one by that names lives here. I don't know who you're talking about. You're mistaken." If the person tries to insist on a conversation, your roommate should call the cops.
Contact the local battered women's shelter and legal aid or if your school has resources, start with them.
Consider self defense classes. Consider purchasing a weapon. At some point, you may want to change your name. Do what you have to to keep yourself safe.
posted by shoesietart at 10:20 PM on May 10, 2012
Response by poster: I rather get a restraining order and do everything to keep this place. My roommate's awesome, the place is awesome, and the price is cheap.
I went to the court and got a name change form. It's so confusing. Also, not sure if I get the restraining order and then change my name..
I will never use the phone around my place. I am having my friends turn the phone on while they travel (but not exactly when they're at home). I am thinking of giving it to a friend who is going out of state eventually. That should help.
I should stop contacting them anymore. Now that they're actually out trying to find me, there's no point in me trying to keep them at bay any further. For every 10 or 20 angry, name-calling text messages my sister gives me, I only reply with one "i made it clear leave me alone". It's no use talking to them. I am scared to answer anything, because they'll base their decisions on what I do or don't tell them. They pour insult after insult, calling me a bitch, selfish, ungrateful, socially and mentally unstable, emotional, immature, babyish, etc... She said that I am ruining everyone's lives by being selfish (I mean, what did I do?), that she is busy with work but that I AM the one who's ruining her summer by "forcing" her to find me, and that I "leave her with no choice" because I didn't tell her my specific location and my specific plan for the summer (though I said I am going out of state). She even said that I am killing mom by making her stress out from worrying about me. Ugh.
posted by kopi at 12:33 AM on May 11, 2012
I went to the court and got a name change form. It's so confusing. Also, not sure if I get the restraining order and then change my name..
I will never use the phone around my place. I am having my friends turn the phone on while they travel (but not exactly when they're at home). I am thinking of giving it to a friend who is going out of state eventually. That should help.
I should stop contacting them anymore. Now that they're actually out trying to find me, there's no point in me trying to keep them at bay any further. For every 10 or 20 angry, name-calling text messages my sister gives me, I only reply with one "i made it clear leave me alone". It's no use talking to them. I am scared to answer anything, because they'll base their decisions on what I do or don't tell them. They pour insult after insult, calling me a bitch, selfish, ungrateful, socially and mentally unstable, emotional, immature, babyish, etc... She said that I am ruining everyone's lives by being selfish (I mean, what did I do?), that she is busy with work but that I AM the one who's ruining her summer by "forcing" her to find me, and that I "leave her with no choice" because I didn't tell her my specific location and my specific plan for the summer (though I said I am going out of state). She even said that I am killing mom by making her stress out from worrying about me. Ugh.
posted by kopi at 12:33 AM on May 11, 2012
To be safe, I think you should take the battery out of the phone, not just turn it off.
posted by Daddy-O at 2:05 AM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Daddy-O at 2:05 AM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
kopi,
You need to go to school tomorrow, and talk to the campus police office.
They are there to help. Tell them your situation, that you have a non-emergency but ongoing situation with your family. Once you sketch that out, explaining that they've made previous physical threats and trying to find you, and show them the existing messages on the phone, they'll take it from there.
They'll talk to you and hook you up with your school's or community's domestic abuse shelter.
They're there to help you find the resources you need.
You can also talk to your school's housing office or student dean and they can help you.
So go talk to them, they won't judge you, and they'll help you.
I went to the court and got a name change form. It's so confusing. Also, not sure if I get the restraining order and then change my name.
There's a lot of stuff you're worrying about right now: your phone, restraining orders, getting your name changed, getting a personal alarm or maybe a weapon, getting your old orthodontist's records, and finally worrying what someone who's going on about Planet Nibiru thinks about you.
And that's a lot. So don't worry about it right now. Take the change of name form with you when you go to campus. And then once you're talking to the person at the domestic abuse shelter or women's shelter they can help you with it along with everything else.
Trying to figure out this while you're in a muddle juggling 12 different issues is too much for anyone.
Someone at the domestic abuse shelter or women's shelter will walk you through this.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:38 AM on May 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
You need to go to school tomorrow, and talk to the campus police office.
They are there to help. Tell them your situation, that you have a non-emergency but ongoing situation with your family. Once you sketch that out, explaining that they've made previous physical threats and trying to find you, and show them the existing messages on the phone, they'll take it from there.
They'll talk to you and hook you up with your school's or community's domestic abuse shelter.
They're there to help you find the resources you need.
You can also talk to your school's housing office or student dean and they can help you.
So go talk to them, they won't judge you, and they'll help you.
I went to the court and got a name change form. It's so confusing. Also, not sure if I get the restraining order and then change my name.
There's a lot of stuff you're worrying about right now: your phone, restraining orders, getting your name changed, getting a personal alarm or maybe a weapon, getting your old orthodontist's records, and finally worrying what someone who's going on about Planet Nibiru thinks about you.
And that's a lot. So don't worry about it right now. Take the change of name form with you when you go to campus. And then once you're talking to the person at the domestic abuse shelter or women's shelter they can help you with it along with everything else.
Trying to figure out this while you're in a muddle juggling 12 different issues is too much for anyone.
Someone at the domestic abuse shelter or women's shelter will walk you through this.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:38 AM on May 11, 2012 [11 favorites]
Okay, traveling friends are giving a false trail to the phone's locator; ask them to NEVER have it turned on within, say, 300 miles of your current home, and take out the battery to be extra-sure. (Hell, if one of your traveling friends can pass the phone on to someone else --- say you are currently in Iowa, but you hand the phone to a friend who travels to Maine, who passes it on to someone who's traveling to Florida, who passes it on to someone going to Oregon, who hands it to someone going to Bermuda.... could be fun! And frankly, who cares if you never see that phone again?!?)
Talk to the court and the cops, and get that protection order. When you're there, ask the judge about the name-change idea. Have all your mail sent to a PO Box, NOT your street address.
Tell your roommate about your crazy relatives; if you can, give him photographs of them, too. And there's absolutely no reason on earth that he has to even talk to strangers knocking on the door, let alone tell those strangers (your family, hired detectives or anyone else) the truth --- kopi? never heard of 'em.
And finally: STOP CHECKING MESSAGES FROM YOUR FAMILY. Don't check phone messages, and don''t check emails from them. You KNOW any messages from them will be harrassing and insulting, you don't need to upset yourself by reading them.
posted by easily confused at 3:16 AM on May 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Talk to the court and the cops, and get that protection order. When you're there, ask the judge about the name-change idea. Have all your mail sent to a PO Box, NOT your street address.
Tell your roommate about your crazy relatives; if you can, give him photographs of them, too. And there's absolutely no reason on earth that he has to even talk to strangers knocking on the door, let alone tell those strangers (your family, hired detectives or anyone else) the truth --- kopi? never heard of 'em.
And finally: STOP CHECKING MESSAGES FROM YOUR FAMILY. Don't check phone messages, and don''t check emails from them. You KNOW any messages from them will be harrassing and insulting, you don't need to upset yourself by reading them.
posted by easily confused at 3:16 AM on May 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Wow, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
First of all, you must stop responding to their messages. In The Gift of Fear, the author says when you respond to someone after however many messages, you are just teaching them that that amount of contact is what they need to get a response from you, so they will continue to harass you that much.
Second of all, you absolutely must read The Gift of Fear. Do it today. This is extremely relevant for your situation. Gavin DeBecker is the author of the book, and its available at most book stores.
Third of all, please reach out to your support network. Explain to your friends, your teachers, anyone else who touches your life in a significant way what is happening. You need all of the support and assistance you can get right now.
Fourth, please go to the police. Take documentation with you-- such as a copy of the harassing text messages. Explain your situation and find out what legal options are available to you.
Fifth, find a counselor or licensed clinical social worker. Your school should be able to help you find someone who you can work with for free or a reduced fee. Your family situation is pretty f'ed up, and you need someone who can walk you through this crisis and whatever will come after it.
Good luck-- and check back in with us soon.
posted by emilynoa at 4:51 AM on May 11, 2012
First of all, you must stop responding to their messages. In The Gift of Fear, the author says when you respond to someone after however many messages, you are just teaching them that that amount of contact is what they need to get a response from you, so they will continue to harass you that much.
Second of all, you absolutely must read The Gift of Fear. Do it today. This is extremely relevant for your situation. Gavin DeBecker is the author of the book, and its available at most book stores.
Third of all, please reach out to your support network. Explain to your friends, your teachers, anyone else who touches your life in a significant way what is happening. You need all of the support and assistance you can get right now.
Fourth, please go to the police. Take documentation with you-- such as a copy of the harassing text messages. Explain your situation and find out what legal options are available to you.
Fifth, find a counselor or licensed clinical social worker. Your school should be able to help you find someone who you can work with for free or a reduced fee. Your family situation is pretty f'ed up, and you need someone who can walk you through this crisis and whatever will come after it.
Good luck-- and check back in with us soon.
posted by emilynoa at 4:51 AM on May 11, 2012
Kid Charlemagne is correct that just having the phone "off" may not be enough to prevent tracking. You really do need to pull the battery to make sure the thing is totallty dead and nontrackable.
I like the idea of giving it to friends and stuff who are traveling around.
posted by Aizkolari at 6:31 AM on May 11, 2012
I like the idea of giving it to friends and stuff who are traveling around.
posted by Aizkolari at 6:31 AM on May 11, 2012
emilynoa is absolutely correct: you must stop responding to these people entirely. Entirely. If they were reasonable people, you telling them to leave you alone would have an effect--but of course they're not reasonable, otherwise they would've stopped a long time ago.
They'll keep trying to get a response, using whatever it takes--accusations you'll want to refute, threats you'll want to defy, implications that they know exactly where you are, etc. Even possibly, when they don't get a response over the years, they might suddenly sound like they're sorry, they want to make up, you owe them something, someone's sick and needs your help/to be visited, and other traps. You must resist. These people aren't family in any positive sense of the word, they're obsessive stalkers, and all they should get is complete silence.
I'd also add that The Gift of Fear is available in libraries--check your school's library, and if not there, then your local public library system.
posted by theatro at 6:33 AM on May 11, 2012
They'll keep trying to get a response, using whatever it takes--accusations you'll want to refute, threats you'll want to defy, implications that they know exactly where you are, etc. Even possibly, when they don't get a response over the years, they might suddenly sound like they're sorry, they want to make up, you owe them something, someone's sick and needs your help/to be visited, and other traps. You must resist. These people aren't family in any positive sense of the word, they're obsessive stalkers, and all they should get is complete silence.
I'd also add that The Gift of Fear is available in libraries--check your school's library, and if not there, then your local public library system.
posted by theatro at 6:33 AM on May 11, 2012
Yes, please please read The Gift of Fear and end all contact with your abusers. You are making this worse by interacting with them. Find a domestic abuse assistance organization and let them help you get the restraining order and deal with the name change and explain to you how to use trespassing laws to your advantage should you need to. Do not burden your roommate with a bunch of stories he has to keep up with, he should stick to "I don't know who that person is, and now you need to go away."
Stop letting them threaten that they will find you. Assume they will and plan for that. Carry a rape whistle, and if you are confronted by them in public make sure you say nothing but "I don't know you, leave me alone" because people won't call 911 for you if your mother is yelling at you in public, but they will if a crazy stranger is.
Eventually, you will be able to build up at least some moderate levels of security between them and you. In the meantime get the legal and emotional help that everyone has been telling you to get for a year.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on May 11, 2012
Stop letting them threaten that they will find you. Assume they will and plan for that. Carry a rape whistle, and if you are confronted by them in public make sure you say nothing but "I don't know you, leave me alone" because people won't call 911 for you if your mother is yelling at you in public, but they will if a crazy stranger is.
Eventually, you will be able to build up at least some moderate levels of security between them and you. In the meantime get the legal and emotional help that everyone has been telling you to get for a year.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:51 AM on May 11, 2012
Response by poster: Anyone who used the verizon tracking device, I want to ask if the the person being tracked is notified every time someone requests his location?
posted by kopi at 8:36 AM on May 11, 2012
posted by kopi at 8:36 AM on May 11, 2012
Please call Verizon support for help with this issue. For something as important as this it's essential that you know the specifics of your particular installation. With the system that we used, yes there was a notification every time.
posted by jessamyn at 8:47 AM on May 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by jessamyn at 8:47 AM on May 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
Thinking about this more, there may even be a small on board cell or super capacitor that makes it detectable for a short while even without a battery. In the short term, battery out, put it in a ziplock bag, wrap the whole mess in tin foil and put it in one of those drawers in your refrigerator where one normally puts lettuce to rot.
If you knew someone who was a delivery driver and had them leave the phone on in their car/van/truck that would be a great solution. On tracking they'd find that you were in a new city every day.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 9:16 AM on May 11, 2012
If you knew someone who was a delivery driver and had them leave the phone on in their car/van/truck that would be a great solution. On tracking they'd find that you were in a new city every day.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 9:16 AM on May 11, 2012
Hey, good idea. Maybe my roommate can say that he/she doesn't know me at all. He can say that there was a party or a yard sale in the neighborhood so that it can be anyone?
Darlin', he can say whatever he wants. He can stare them straight in the eye and say "dude, no idea" repeatedly, he can tell them that he's in a very important meeting right now, he can start evangelizing to them, he can lecture them on arcane details of the Roman monetary system. It's really hard to break the reflex of feeling like parents are allowed to demand explanations, but try to let go of that panicky "kid in trouble with the parents" feeling.
Don't contact them at all, don't respond, not for any reason. The stuff they're telling you is absolutely classic manipulative BS, it's like a top-ten list for the definition of emotional abuse.
posted by desuetude at 1:25 PM on May 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Darlin', he can say whatever he wants. He can stare them straight in the eye and say "dude, no idea" repeatedly, he can tell them that he's in a very important meeting right now, he can start evangelizing to them, he can lecture them on arcane details of the Roman monetary system. It's really hard to break the reflex of feeling like parents are allowed to demand explanations, but try to let go of that panicky "kid in trouble with the parents" feeling.
Don't contact them at all, don't respond, not for any reason. The stuff they're telling you is absolutely classic manipulative BS, it's like a top-ten list for the definition of emotional abuse.
posted by desuetude at 1:25 PM on May 11, 2012 [4 favorites]
Just to clarify - if you are giving the phone to friends as they travel around, be aware that traveling around WITHIN your same city is not doing you any good. Either take out the battery completely, or if you want to do a decoy, only have it turned on when it is hundreds of miles away, like if your friend flies to another state. Not in your town.
posted by CathyG at 1:26 PM on May 11, 2012
posted by CathyG at 1:26 PM on May 11, 2012
Response by poster: I went to a verizon retailer to ask, and the guy claimed that he didn't know much about the family locator and brushed me off, saying, "You're being tracked by mommy and daddy or something?" I asked to ask customer service, but he didn't give me their number, saying that customer service won't help me if I didn't know the password to main account. I could tell that he wasn't willing to help because he was laughing at me. He did, at least, say that the phone can be tracked while it's still turned off, but that he doubted that it would be trackable with the battery out. I am going to just leave the phone at school (my family knows I go here anyway).
I am hoping to give my phone to a friend who is going out of state. I just need to meet him first.
posted by kopi at 2:22 PM on May 11, 2012
I am hoping to give my phone to a friend who is going out of state. I just need to meet him first.
posted by kopi at 2:22 PM on May 11, 2012
I still think asking whoever's helping you at your school to keep the phone in their office is the best solution. As you say, your abusive family already knows you go there.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:36 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:36 PM on May 11, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can ask in the Verizon support forums or you can call them yourself directly. Here is their contact page. Sorry the guy at the store was a jerk.
posted by jessamyn at 2:37 PM on May 11, 2012
posted by jessamyn at 2:37 PM on May 11, 2012
Another solution to the phone tracking, since your mother already knows what city you're in, if she know what school you go to --- this is assuming mommy dearest is paying for the phone, of course! An easy way to confuse the tracking is to just let the phone be 'stolen'..... set it down on a library or coffee shop table, a parkbench or someplace, step away (go to the restroom, go example) and let the nearest dishonest type walk off with it.
posted by easily confused at 3:01 PM on May 11, 2012
posted by easily confused at 3:01 PM on May 11, 2012
I am hoping to give my phone to a friend who is going out of state. I just need to meet him first.
Don't ditch the phone until you've met with someone from your campus police office and gotten them to take down your details and had them check you in with your local domestic abuse shelter.
The recorded messages will establish the situation clearly for the judge/case worker/campus cop/student dean who will help you sort this out. It will, for example, make it extraordinarily easy to get a restraining order keeping them away from your school and 100 yards away from you at all times.
Until then, taking the battery out will certainly disable the tracking feature.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Remember, your campus police office has people to help you with a situation like this. They know where the resources are. And they can help you with this stuff. If they know you're being stalked and harassed in a domestic abuse situation, it will be a lot more straightforward if you have to summon them on campus for some messy situation: "Well, kopi, now that we know what's going on, if they show up on campus, let us know and they'll be warned off as trespassers (or arrested). Press one of the police call buttons scattered around campus, that's what they are there for. We've talked to Ms. Smith at the domestic abuse shelter and she's found a case worker that will help you get a restraining order."
They can do stuff like that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Your campus police office is probably the best place to store the phone until you leave it with an out of state friend. At some point get a copy of the messages off of it, and have those checked in with some legal/law enforcement/social work chain of custody before checking it in with an out of state friend, but let your campus police office or domestic abuse shelter worry about the details. You just need to be brave enough to walk through those doors, and that's a lot easier than the messy stuff you've dealt with before.
I still think asking whoever's helping you at your school to keep the phone in their office is the best solution. As you say, your abusive family already knows you go there.
Agreed.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:35 PM on May 11, 2012
Don't ditch the phone until you've met with someone from your campus police office and gotten them to take down your details and had them check you in with your local domestic abuse shelter.
The recorded messages will establish the situation clearly for the judge/case worker/campus cop/student dean who will help you sort this out. It will, for example, make it extraordinarily easy to get a restraining order keeping them away from your school and 100 yards away from you at all times.
Until then, taking the battery out will certainly disable the tracking feature.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Remember, your campus police office has people to help you with a situation like this. They know where the resources are. And they can help you with this stuff. If they know you're being stalked and harassed in a domestic abuse situation, it will be a lot more straightforward if you have to summon them on campus for some messy situation: "Well, kopi, now that we know what's going on, if they show up on campus, let us know and they'll be warned off as trespassers (or arrested). Press one of the police call buttons scattered around campus, that's what they are there for. We've talked to Ms. Smith at the domestic abuse shelter and she's found a case worker that will help you get a restraining order."
They can do stuff like that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Your campus police office is probably the best place to store the phone until you leave it with an out of state friend. At some point get a copy of the messages off of it, and have those checked in with some legal/law enforcement/social work chain of custody before checking it in with an out of state friend, but let your campus police office or domestic abuse shelter worry about the details. You just need to be brave enough to walk through those doors, and that's a lot easier than the messy stuff you've dealt with before.
I still think asking whoever's helping you at your school to keep the phone in their office is the best solution. As you say, your abusive family already knows you go there.
Agreed.
posted by sebastienbailard at 4:35 PM on May 11, 2012
Don't ditch the phone until you've met with someone from your campus police office and gotten them to take down your details and had them check you in with your local domestic abuse shelter.
The recorded messages will establish the situation clearly for the judge/case worker/campus cop/student dean who will help you sort this out. It will, for example, make it extraordinarily easy to get a restraining order keeping them away from your school and 100 yards away from you at all times.
Until then, taking the battery out will certainly disable the tracking feature.
I completely agree. Keeping all of the manipulative voice and text messages from your family is important. I don't think you should send the phone around with someone travelling. If campus police don't have a secure place to keep your phone, store it in a locker on campus.
posted by desuetude at 11:04 AM on May 12, 2012
The recorded messages will establish the situation clearly for the judge/case worker/campus cop/student dean who will help you sort this out. It will, for example, make it extraordinarily easy to get a restraining order keeping them away from your school and 100 yards away from you at all times.
Until then, taking the battery out will certainly disable the tracking feature.
I completely agree. Keeping all of the manipulative voice and text messages from your family is important. I don't think you should send the phone around with someone travelling. If campus police don't have a secure place to keep your phone, store it in a locker on campus.
posted by desuetude at 11:04 AM on May 12, 2012
Response by poster: I already sent the phone to a friend, it's probably going to track even though it's off, but he's going to turn the phone on once he's at the airport in the other state.
I am going to talk to the domestic hotline and ask how restraining orders work. Or just head to court today to find out.
posted by kopi at 12:53 PM on May 12, 2012
I am going to talk to the domestic hotline and ask how restraining orders work. Or just head to court today to find out.
posted by kopi at 12:53 PM on May 12, 2012
« Older How can I make my Raleigh play nice with all the... | Something goes thump in the night Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rockindata at 4:19 PM on May 10, 2012 [1 favorite]