How to make friends if you're not genuinely interested in them? :(
April 28, 2012 9:30 AM Subscribe
How to make friends if you're not genuinely interested in them? :(
People say that to have an interesting conversation, you have to be genuinely interested in others and listen well. However the problem for me is that i'm not interested in people.
I just... don't want to get to know anyone. unless it's someone that i think is really attractive.. but aside from the (very few) people i already know, i have a hard time making friends and it's because deep down, there's a big part of me that's just not interested in things like how somebody else's day or week is going.
so naturally i'll suck at small talk because i don't care, and i'll suck at a lot of conversations that don't involve my narrow interests because i don't care..
how do i change? i know what's wrong with me but i don't know how i can change this part of myself.. i've been this way for so long. I feel bad about being disinterested in other people because I want people to be interested in me. So this is one of the things that really bothers me.
People say that to have an interesting conversation, you have to be genuinely interested in others and listen well. However the problem for me is that i'm not interested in people.
I just... don't want to get to know anyone. unless it's someone that i think is really attractive.. but aside from the (very few) people i already know, i have a hard time making friends and it's because deep down, there's a big part of me that's just not interested in things like how somebody else's day or week is going.
so naturally i'll suck at small talk because i don't care, and i'll suck at a lot of conversations that don't involve my narrow interests because i don't care..
how do i change? i know what's wrong with me but i don't know how i can change this part of myself.. i've been this way for so long. I feel bad about being disinterested in other people because I want people to be interested in me. So this is one of the things that really bothers me.
Are you interested in who you really are? Because other people, once you get to know them better, will turn out to be a lot like that guy.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:43 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:43 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
The title and first line of this post, after reading the rest, seem to be misleading. I can't speak for anyone else, but I wouldn't want a friend who was not genuinely interested in me, and in fact it comes off rather obnoxious because the question seems to be asking how to be a false friend. However, I think the question you're actually asking is, how do I become more interested in people.
Speaking for myself, I swing wildly back and forth. Often, I hate everyone. Other days I see someone do one of those random acts of kindness, (or I do one myself and am rewarded with a genuine smile), and my faith in humanity is restored for a while. (Unless I read about politics.) Anyway, when my faith in humanity is on the upswing I realize that most people are not ALL bad or even ALL boring. You kind of have to be willing to have a chat with people who at the outset seem less interesting, to get to the interesting bits.
One way to do this is to make an effort to have a slightly deeper conversation with a current acquaintance. Perhaps someone you think is terribly boring. I think you will find that lots of people who initially seem boring are actually quite interesting. This will cause you to show interest! And this may lead to a new friend!
It takes time. Making new friends is harder the older you get. Settling into your pre-conceived notions of everyone being completely uninteresting is likely to get more entrenched as well. So, just give it a try. Do an experiment. Find a person who with whom you have spoken in only the most shallow terms, and attempt to suss out their interesting qualities. You may be surprised! Or maybe you won't. Or maybe they won't be interested in you, friendship being a two-way street and all. But don't give up. Try again.
posted by Glinn at 9:56 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
Speaking for myself, I swing wildly back and forth. Often, I hate everyone. Other days I see someone do one of those random acts of kindness, (or I do one myself and am rewarded with a genuine smile), and my faith in humanity is restored for a while. (Unless I read about politics.) Anyway, when my faith in humanity is on the upswing I realize that most people are not ALL bad or even ALL boring. You kind of have to be willing to have a chat with people who at the outset seem less interesting, to get to the interesting bits.
One way to do this is to make an effort to have a slightly deeper conversation with a current acquaintance. Perhaps someone you think is terribly boring. I think you will find that lots of people who initially seem boring are actually quite interesting. This will cause you to show interest! And this may lead to a new friend!
It takes time. Making new friends is harder the older you get. Settling into your pre-conceived notions of everyone being completely uninteresting is likely to get more entrenched as well. So, just give it a try. Do an experiment. Find a person who with whom you have spoken in only the most shallow terms, and attempt to suss out their interesting qualities. You may be surprised! Or maybe you won't. Or maybe they won't be interested in you, friendship being a two-way street and all. But don't give up. Try again.
posted by Glinn at 9:56 AM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're not interested in people but you're interested in things, right? As in, there are topics that interest you? Find groups of people that are also interested in these topics and things, and talk to them about your mutual interest. You may find that you are more interested in someone once you have something in common.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:57 AM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:57 AM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]
That's a shame, because I feel that deep down, most people are pretty damn interesting.
I just... don't want to get to know anyone. unless it's someone that i think is really attractive.. but aside from the (very few) people i already know, i have a hard time making friends and it's because deep down, there's a big part of me that's just not interested in things like how somebody else's day or week is going.
I'm not usually interested in someone's week either unless I already know them to some level.
so naturally i'll suck at small talk because i don't care, and i'll suck at a lot of conversations that don't involve my narrow interests because i don't care..
Here's a secret I've learned: most people don't like small talk. Small talk, however, is the standard segue into more interesting conversations. If you ask someone how their week went, or what the did over the weekend, you're not only asking about their general lives, you're also discovering what their hobbies are or what they like to do in their free time. Your problem, I feel, is your "narrow interests". You shouldn't disregard others because they have different interests. If you really want to befriend more people, the most direct way is to have some similar interests. Try expanding your own interest fields. Ask people why they like X, Y, or Z. You might find a developing interest in the subject over time. Then you might have something to connect with other people.
On the other hand, if you really don't care about other people's interests, but still want to be friends with them, you can always feign interest. Many people simply like to talk and share about their day.
I've been this way for so long. I feel bad about being disinterested in other people because I want people to be interested in me. So this is one of the things that really bothers me.
Another thing: Share something, even if you think the other person won't find your interests fascinating. When someone asks you how your week was, it's always better to hear "I did taxes and I had a blast" than "I didn't really do anything." That's a conversation killer.
posted by Qberting at 10:28 AM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]
I just... don't want to get to know anyone. unless it's someone that i think is really attractive.. but aside from the (very few) people i already know, i have a hard time making friends and it's because deep down, there's a big part of me that's just not interested in things like how somebody else's day or week is going.
I'm not usually interested in someone's week either unless I already know them to some level.
so naturally i'll suck at small talk because i don't care, and i'll suck at a lot of conversations that don't involve my narrow interests because i don't care..
Here's a secret I've learned: most people don't like small talk. Small talk, however, is the standard segue into more interesting conversations. If you ask someone how their week went, or what the did over the weekend, you're not only asking about their general lives, you're also discovering what their hobbies are or what they like to do in their free time. Your problem, I feel, is your "narrow interests". You shouldn't disregard others because they have different interests. If you really want to befriend more people, the most direct way is to have some similar interests. Try expanding your own interest fields. Ask people why they like X, Y, or Z. You might find a developing interest in the subject over time. Then you might have something to connect with other people.
On the other hand, if you really don't care about other people's interests, but still want to be friends with them, you can always feign interest. Many people simply like to talk and share about their day.
I've been this way for so long. I feel bad about being disinterested in other people because I want people to be interested in me. So this is one of the things that really bothers me.
Another thing: Share something, even if you think the other person won't find your interests fascinating. When someone asks you how your week was, it's always better to hear "I did taxes and I had a blast" than "I didn't really do anything." That's a conversation killer.
posted by Qberting at 10:28 AM on April 28, 2012 [4 favorites]
I can relate 100% with what you're saying, so I'm guessing you're also an introvert. Something I've realized about my own lack of interest in people is that it's not so much a genuine absence of interest -- most people, when you get to know them, reveal crazy, mixed-up, eccentric things about themselves that are actually pretty fascinating -- as it is the fact that most of us engage with each other on a superficial, bland level (small talk) that is stultifying, and trying to break through that bland, polite façade to the more interesting, quirky levels that we live our real lives in, is exhausting for introverts. We have to be incredibly curious about a person in order to muster the energy to get to that real level, and most of the time we just don't have enough curiosity to make that effort.
The only strategy I know of to cope with this is to learn ways to be more real with people, so you don't have to spend all your energy engaging on the level of the boring façade. I would advise not to be fake with people and pretend interest, because I think that just keeps you in that phony zone with people that is exhausting and unpleasant.
Maybe, the next time someone asks you how you're doing, don't just say "Good, thanks!" but share some detail of what's happening in your life, like "Well, I just read this fascinating book," or something interesting you experienced recently. Or relax your politeness filter and just say the odd/random things that happen in your mind around people. I think most people are willing to relate on whatever level you set for the conversation. If you're more genuine and un-self-conscious with them, they'll be the same with you, and that leads to more interesting interactions.
Usually our good friends in life are the ones we're most relaxed and uninhibited around, and you don't have to even have all that much in common with them to have that relationship. That's probably the reason why it's so much easier to make friends as children, because we haven't yet built up all those layers of social politeness, and we're still completely open and genuine. If you can relax your own guard, socially, and just be whatever weird, wacky person you really are, I think other people will respond to that by being more weird and wacky themselves, and it'll be easier to engage with them with real interest.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 11:15 AM on April 28, 2012 [17 favorites]
The only strategy I know of to cope with this is to learn ways to be more real with people, so you don't have to spend all your energy engaging on the level of the boring façade. I would advise not to be fake with people and pretend interest, because I think that just keeps you in that phony zone with people that is exhausting and unpleasant.
Maybe, the next time someone asks you how you're doing, don't just say "Good, thanks!" but share some detail of what's happening in your life, like "Well, I just read this fascinating book," or something interesting you experienced recently. Or relax your politeness filter and just say the odd/random things that happen in your mind around people. I think most people are willing to relate on whatever level you set for the conversation. If you're more genuine and un-self-conscious with them, they'll be the same with you, and that leads to more interesting interactions.
Usually our good friends in life are the ones we're most relaxed and uninhibited around, and you don't have to even have all that much in common with them to have that relationship. That's probably the reason why it's so much easier to make friends as children, because we haven't yet built up all those layers of social politeness, and we're still completely open and genuine. If you can relax your own guard, socially, and just be whatever weird, wacky person you really are, I think other people will respond to that by being more weird and wacky themselves, and it'll be easier to engage with them with real interest.
posted by El Sabor Asiatico at 11:15 AM on April 28, 2012 [17 favorites]
Find people who share the same interests. You don't have to bond over how someone's day or week is going, especially early on in a relationship. Meet and hang out with more people who dig 1950s graphic novels or whatever you're into. Have conversations about those things that you share, and not about mundane details about your lives.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:42 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 11:42 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Learn to ask interesting questions that get you past the small talk bullshit that most people bore you with.
posted by empath at 12:45 PM on April 28, 2012
posted by empath at 12:45 PM on April 28, 2012
I'm puzzled - what kind of friendship do you envision? I mean, what do you picture yourself and your friend/s doing together?
Possibly, there are different ways to be friends and maybe you are the kind of person who prefers to DO things with people instead of hanging around talking. Not all friendships have to be based on conversations.
But if you really want heart to heart conversations but nobody you find interests you enough to actually have them, then yeah, maybe it is the smalltalk barrier you have to bust through first (as mentioned by the other commenters).
posted by Omnomnom at 1:04 PM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Possibly, there are different ways to be friends and maybe you are the kind of person who prefers to DO things with people instead of hanging around talking. Not all friendships have to be based on conversations.
But if you really want heart to heart conversations but nobody you find interests you enough to actually have them, then yeah, maybe it is the smalltalk barrier you have to bust through first (as mentioned by the other commenters).
posted by Omnomnom at 1:04 PM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]
Develop empathy for people. Most of them are not what they are by choice, it is a diverse set of circumstances that made them bitter, uninteresting or mean. It happens. Many folks are going through a lot especially in these times. So if nothing else, you can mentally sympathize with them. You dont have to be their friend. They most likely dont need you and you dont need them as a friend but one link between many individuals is empathy.
posted by pakora1 at 2:09 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by pakora1 at 2:09 PM on April 28, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm introverted and I have issues with social anxiety. I often have the same problem with you... Or, rather, the problems I have present themselves to me as the problem you have.
I'll be in a "small talk appropriate" situation, and my mind is just screaming "WHO ARE YOU WHY DO I CARE JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DON'T MATTER YOU DON'T MATTER YOU DON'T MATTER."
That's a guise. That's how I cope with the extreme levels of discomfort I feel when I'm around Scary New People. Often times, I can't even feel the discomfort -- all I can feel is the "YOU DON'T MATTER TO ME" narrative going through my mind. It makes me feel awful and self-centered, and it makes it impossible for me to care at all about what the people around me are saying.
There are times, however, when I'm more comfortable. For some reason, the situation is just set up to make conversation easy for me. I'm calm, and I'm even close to happy. In those situations? People are fascinating. They have funny things to say. They have insight to bring up. They're not just Scary Entities That Scare Me but instead honest to goodness human beings with personalities. It's good.
I have no idea if your issue is the same as mine. But if this sounds like it could perhaps describe you, what you need to do is get therapy. A really important step for me was learning that I'm not just horribly mean and selfish and self-centered, but instead just so overwhelmed with stress when meeting people that I don't often have it in me to keep up a conversation. But after that realization, the hard, tricky work is combating the anxiety.
Again, I don't know if this is you. But, it's something I suggest you think about.
posted by meese at 3:11 PM on April 30, 2012
I'll be in a "small talk appropriate" situation, and my mind is just screaming "WHO ARE YOU WHY DO I CARE JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DON'T MATTER YOU DON'T MATTER YOU DON'T MATTER."
That's a guise. That's how I cope with the extreme levels of discomfort I feel when I'm around Scary New People. Often times, I can't even feel the discomfort -- all I can feel is the "YOU DON'T MATTER TO ME" narrative going through my mind. It makes me feel awful and self-centered, and it makes it impossible for me to care at all about what the people around me are saying.
There are times, however, when I'm more comfortable. For some reason, the situation is just set up to make conversation easy for me. I'm calm, and I'm even close to happy. In those situations? People are fascinating. They have funny things to say. They have insight to bring up. They're not just Scary Entities That Scare Me but instead honest to goodness human beings with personalities. It's good.
I have no idea if your issue is the same as mine. But if this sounds like it could perhaps describe you, what you need to do is get therapy. A really important step for me was learning that I'm not just horribly mean and selfish and self-centered, but instead just so overwhelmed with stress when meeting people that I don't often have it in me to keep up a conversation. But after that realization, the hard, tricky work is combating the anxiety.
Again, I don't know if this is you. But, it's something I suggest you think about.
posted by meese at 3:11 PM on April 30, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by parmanparman at 9:34 AM on April 28, 2012 [1 favorite]