How can I counter backbiting in my colleagues?
April 18, 2012 2:32 AM Subscribe
Can anyone suggest a way I can be more respected by my colleagues?
Can anyone help here? I work in a University in the UK which relies primarily on teaching for income generation.
My problem is that despite having excellent feedback from students, good results and seeming reasonably popular my workplace is dominated by some dominant individuals who put me down behind my back to my employer and other employees. The effect this has is a drip drip of negative feedback that nearly drove me out of my job. Now I have countered that by sending positive feedback to my boss and pointing out that it doesnt match the negative things that my line manager has confided in me she hears from some of my peers. I have a temporary line manager who was bought in to trouble shoot but she is going in a couple of months and the line that is taken is to 'ignore it and work as a team'. The trouble is that this undermining is hard to combat as it is behind my back and management are reluctant have any more problems with the dynamics, so standing up for myself would simply reinforce the view that I am the one who is being difficult. It does however impact on how I am perceived by other colleagues outside the team and I find myself sidelined and find it hard to get my voice heard.
I am not normally regarded as an unassertive person, but any form of confrontation would be frowned upon as 'being difficult' by managment. Instead I try to respond in a non agressive way by countering any put down type comments but this just drove the comments underground. When I have bought the subject up to people it is just denied and colleagues who are also aware of this this are just keeping thier heads down and dont want any trouble themselves. So I am fighting shadows. I find the way I am being labelled upsetting as, if you throw enough dirt some of it always sticks. I hate a climate of backbiting and it tends to get me down. I am in partial retirement and the climate is one of redundancies, which doesnt help. By the way, I need the money and there is no other suitable work right now. Some people who left for similar reasons have not been able to find work at all and are desperate. We are overloaded with work right now due to the economic climate so can't volunteer to take on more functions. The working climate is perhaps less outgoing in terms of personal relationships in the UK than the US.
Can anyone help here? I work in a University in the UK which relies primarily on teaching for income generation.
My problem is that despite having excellent feedback from students, good results and seeming reasonably popular my workplace is dominated by some dominant individuals who put me down behind my back to my employer and other employees. The effect this has is a drip drip of negative feedback that nearly drove me out of my job. Now I have countered that by sending positive feedback to my boss and pointing out that it doesnt match the negative things that my line manager has confided in me she hears from some of my peers. I have a temporary line manager who was bought in to trouble shoot but she is going in a couple of months and the line that is taken is to 'ignore it and work as a team'. The trouble is that this undermining is hard to combat as it is behind my back and management are reluctant have any more problems with the dynamics, so standing up for myself would simply reinforce the view that I am the one who is being difficult. It does however impact on how I am perceived by other colleagues outside the team and I find myself sidelined and find it hard to get my voice heard.
I am not normally regarded as an unassertive person, but any form of confrontation would be frowned upon as 'being difficult' by managment. Instead I try to respond in a non agressive way by countering any put down type comments but this just drove the comments underground. When I have bought the subject up to people it is just denied and colleagues who are also aware of this this are just keeping thier heads down and dont want any trouble themselves. So I am fighting shadows. I find the way I am being labelled upsetting as, if you throw enough dirt some of it always sticks. I hate a climate of backbiting and it tends to get me down. I am in partial retirement and the climate is one of redundancies, which doesnt help. By the way, I need the money and there is no other suitable work right now. Some people who left for similar reasons have not been able to find work at all and are desperate. We are overloaded with work right now due to the economic climate so can't volunteer to take on more functions. The working climate is perhaps less outgoing in terms of personal relationships in the UK than the US.
I think it might help you get more constructive answers if you provided some examples.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:47 AM on April 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:47 AM on April 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
Consider the possibility that they have legitimate reasons to dislike or be unhappy with you, even if their ways of handling it are immature or otherwise problematic. Try and understand what's bothering them and address that, whatever it is, rather than constantly invalidating them. You're not going to get respect unless you're willing to give some.
posted by jon1270 at 3:07 AM on April 18, 2012
posted by jon1270 at 3:07 AM on April 18, 2012
Best answer: My spouse has the same complaints about his teaching-focused UK university employer. There is a nasty culture at the moment. Your colleagues might see you as an easy target to sideline so that they themselves do not become redundancy targets when the next round of cuts begin.
My spouse's only solution was to move to another university. As that's not an option for you, I would suggest to keep documenting as much as you can, keep sending positive reports to your line manager. How long until you fully retire?
posted by wingless_angel at 4:09 AM on April 18, 2012
My spouse's only solution was to move to another university. As that's not an option for you, I would suggest to keep documenting as much as you can, keep sending positive reports to your line manager. How long until you fully retire?
posted by wingless_angel at 4:09 AM on April 18, 2012
So, you're passing the good word to your line manager, but you also saying nice things about your colleagues? I'm not talking about just any generic "xxx does a good job and works hard," comments, but very personal comments that sound genuine and very specific to that person ("You know, I think xxx did a really good job writing up that proposal on asteroids, I think she really did justice by pointing out that electromanetics play a bigger role in the orbital patterns than most people think.").
Just as saying bad things behind someone's back tends to reflect a person's true feelings, saying something good behind someone's back will achieve the same effect. It sounds like you're probably in a very tightly-niched community, so saying good things about someone behind their back to another colleague is like complimenting their brother or sister, which goes a long way. Plus, in a competitive environment, co-workers need all the compliments they can get, so if they see you as a source of good compliments, then they are less likely to say bad things about you because they don't want to destroy their source of positive feedback.
Even if you don't have anything good to say about that person, or you are certain that they are spreading some lies about you behind your back, make up something nice. You're goal is to make yourself appear more positive light to everyone else.
posted by nikkorizz at 5:54 AM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just as saying bad things behind someone's back tends to reflect a person's true feelings, saying something good behind someone's back will achieve the same effect. It sounds like you're probably in a very tightly-niched community, so saying good things about someone behind their back to another colleague is like complimenting their brother or sister, which goes a long way. Plus, in a competitive environment, co-workers need all the compliments they can get, so if they see you as a source of good compliments, then they are less likely to say bad things about you because they don't want to destroy their source of positive feedback.
Even if you don't have anything good to say about that person, or you are certain that they are spreading some lies about you behind your back, make up something nice. You're goal is to make yourself appear more positive light to everyone else.
posted by nikkorizz at 5:54 AM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi, I am not able give specific examples because of issues around confidentiality. It is not good form to post too much detail up in case anyone can be recognised and I dont feel comfortable doing so. I must admit it is difficult to say nice things about people when they are being so distructive. It is true that the current climate is dreadful, which is one reason why I marked the above answers as best answers. Being too nice just doesnt work unfortunately, I have tried that. Of course I try to respond in a professional way, but others are not.
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2012
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:44 AM on April 18, 2012
Response by poster: PS I suspect the fact about reducing the competition in a redundancy situation is probably the most relevant. Noticaeably it is the younger staff who are making these comments, which leads me to believe that I am being subject to ageism and insecurity. Although chronological age is not guarentee of that of course. It is a very hypercritical working environment, highly unsupportive to each other, you dont tend to get any help with anything and are very much on your own, incredibly overburdened with workloads.
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:51 AM on April 18, 2012
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:51 AM on April 18, 2012
Response by poster: I have no idea how long until I fully retire. Technically 4 years but I doubt I will hold onto my job that long, these days all of us just go from month to month with no forward plans. I am just hanging on for as long as I can before getting chucked out or leaving beca
use I cant stand it any more. I dont know anyone who says they enjoy their work.
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:55 AM on April 18, 2012
use I cant stand it any more. I dont know anyone who says they enjoy their work.
posted by Chickenbrain at 6:55 AM on April 18, 2012
The management seems to be very team focused, thus, that should be your path to mediating this. In other words, instead of saying "thats not true!" or "look how good I actually am!", try saying "It is unfortunate that there is so much negativity in our team".
Basically, frame everything in terms of what management has specified is important to them. teamteamteamteam. "That was a very unprofessional thing to say. We are all on the same team. I would be welcome to constructive criticism to help us all work better together"
Just to be clear: standing up for yourself is going to make you look difficult only if it is perceived as "fighting". You can call these people out on their BS, you just have to do it in a way that makes it appear that you are extremely dedicated to team relations. Frame it so that it isn't about him/them or you but about improving upon management's stated concerns.
posted by Shouraku at 7:48 AM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Basically, frame everything in terms of what management has specified is important to them. teamteamteamteam. "That was a very unprofessional thing to say. We are all on the same team. I would be welcome to constructive criticism to help us all work better together"
Just to be clear: standing up for yourself is going to make you look difficult only if it is perceived as "fighting". You can call these people out on their BS, you just have to do it in a way that makes it appear that you are extremely dedicated to team relations. Frame it so that it isn't about him/them or you but about improving upon management's stated concerns.
posted by Shouraku at 7:48 AM on April 18, 2012 [5 favorites]
Shouraku has it right on - make it about the "team". You only want what's best for everyone.
If you can remove the emotion (very, very hard to do, they are attacking you) and go to the back stabbers with apparent sincerity and say something like:
"I understand there was an issue with XYZ report, and you picked up on it. Thanks for catching that! Do you have anything specific you would suggest for improvement?"
This puts them on the defensive - either they will deny, deny, deny (because they have been snipping behind your back) or you've put them on the spot about how to "fix" whatever problem they were whining about. Notice nothing in the above sentence is about you specifically, it's about the report/presentation/lunch order/whatever.
And you have to keep your chin up and be pleasant. No, it's not fair, but you don't want to have a bad "attitude" and give them the satisfaction. You can respectfully and strategically push back on this, but the key is to try and make it about the workplace and team dynamics, not you.
posted by lootie777 at 10:05 AM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you can remove the emotion (very, very hard to do, they are attacking you) and go to the back stabbers with apparent sincerity and say something like:
"I understand there was an issue with XYZ report, and you picked up on it. Thanks for catching that! Do you have anything specific you would suggest for improvement?"
This puts them on the defensive - either they will deny, deny, deny (because they have been snipping behind your back) or you've put them on the spot about how to "fix" whatever problem they were whining about. Notice nothing in the above sentence is about you specifically, it's about the report/presentation/lunch order/whatever.
And you have to keep your chin up and be pleasant. No, it's not fair, but you don't want to have a bad "attitude" and give them the satisfaction. You can respectfully and strategically push back on this, but the key is to try and make it about the workplace and team dynamics, not you.
posted by lootie777 at 10:05 AM on April 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by 1adam12 at 2:47 AM on April 18, 2012 [2 favorites]